Miss Sexy Armpit 2008

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The Sexy Armpit T-Shirt Contest Official Rules: Miss Sexy Armpit 2008

The winner’s picture will be featured on the site logo at The Sexy Armpit.com. The winner will be the prestigious, first ever Miss Sexy Armpit! The winner will also receive a $50 gift card to Ticketmaster. I’m pretty sure that the card will be used to purchase tickets to the NKOTB reunion tour. Don’t even lie.

1) Yes I know I’m being sexist…GIRLS ONLY! Why? Because who the fuck wants to look at guys especially those wearing a black t-shirt? You can go to any Hot Topic to see that. Girls are just nicer to look at. TAKE THAT all you debonair male models.

2) Must be sexy! Don’t worry about some nipple slippage…we’ll edit it out or you can cover them with your hands. BTW, pants are not required but thongs, g-strings, and any type of lingerie are always effective. Although, if you decide to wear underwear in the pictures, don’t even think of wearing granny panties or no one will vote for you.

3) What’s encouraged? Creativity! Be creative while trying to remain as close to the concept of the girl in the website artwork as possible. Maybe you want to be punked out or look rock n’ roll like a Suicide Girl…It’s up to you! The point is to get the feel of the name of the site. The whole idea that “NJ is disgusting and filled with sewage but still sexy.” You can take your photo by a NJ turnpike sign on the road thumbing for a ride. Perhaps you can prove that Jersey isn’t as trashy as people think it is? Or maybe being trashy is sexy? Points for originality. There’s attractive backgrounds all over New Jersey if you choose to take your picture outside. There’s landfills, highways, fuel refineries, dumpsters, garbage cans etc. You might want to take the picture in a bathtub filled with green slime. You have the freedom to be serious, or tongue in cheek. PHOTOS ARE ALLOWED TO BE MANIPULATED AND MODIFIED in programs like Photoshop. Feel free to add stuff to your photo or make it black and white.

4) Keep in mind you DON’T have to WEAR the shirt. If you want to use it in other ways that is fine too. Draping it over select body parts also may score you some votes. You can tie the shirt in front like you’re a really feminine male or you can go totally ’80s style with a half tee. I was asked if you can rip or cut the shirt, and if you feel like ripping out my heart then by all means you can do it, but if you’re going to deface the shirt I’d prefer if you bedazzle it. But then again, if you’re soo voluptuous that you’re boobs rip the shirt open by themselves then it’s no fault of your own. In fact, God Bless. Cut carefully though, we only have a limited supply of shirts.

5) You’re allowed to send in up to 5 photo entries per person. The best 2 will make the competition. All photos sent may not make the competition but the ones that are chosen will be published on the Internet for visitors to vote on and become property of The Sexy Armpit.com. If you are not comfortable with this then please do not enter.

6) If you cannot get pictures taken or if you feel that you won’t be able to for some reason then we’ll arrange for our professional photographer to take them at The Sexy Armpit Headquarters.

7) If you’re DIY, then send us your address in order for us to send you the shirt. After you take your photos please send all entries to sexyarmpit@comcast.net

  • the name/nickname you want to enter as & what size shirt

  • the town you were born and raised, and a sentence or two bio of what you’re about and what you like to do. You can include bands you like, links to your website, etc. Provide some interesting attention grabbing facts about yourself.

  • up to 5 photos, in .jpg, .bmp, .png, etc. (Please keep pictures original size)

8) The contestant with the MOST votes after the voting is over will be the winner.

HOW DO I WIN?

Tell everyone you know to vote. You’ll be notified where you can view the contestants pictures and how you can vote. Tell everyone on MySpace or Facebook. VOTE! You don’t have to sing for this competition, you just have to look good.

WHAT HAPPENS IF I WIN?

The prize police will knock down your door…eh…no they won’t. We’ll let you know if you win. You’ll become the first ever Miss Sexy Armpit and take home a fine gift card for Ticketmaster.

www.SexyArmpit.com

Kicking Ass with Vintage Glass

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After reading some random posts here at The Sexy Armpit, my boss grew concerned about my mental health. I informed him that I was absolutely fine and in my right mind. I assured him that my often inane compositions were no indication of my prowess as his employee. “Don’t worry, ALL guys in their late 20’s are obsessed with Lori Loughlin, Janine Melnitz, and Clamp Champ.” He didn’t buy my testimony.

The next day a copy of the latest issue of Men’s Health magazine was on my desk when I got to work. My bosses little secret mission to cure my crazy failed! It only got me more fired up! My rage blew steam out of my ears as I thumbed over to an article under the column “MALEGRAMS: GUY LIST 18 Things a Grown Man Should Never Have.” Here’s a list with only one entry…One thing a men’s magazine should never do: INSULT THEIR AUDIENCE. I guess they overlooked the fact that a huge percentage of their readership comes from the behemothic amount of males in this country who collect vintage glasses. F–K YOU MEN’S HEALTH! THE SEXY ARMPIT SAYS SUCK IT!
Hamburglar glasses have made millions of mouths happy, including mine. Think back to when you were a kid and you were at your friend’s house and you got to choose which glass you wanted to drink your Kool-Aid out of, He-Man or Return of the Jedi. Tough choice, but those were the types of decisions I took pride in making as a child. That was alot more fun than home improvements, car repairs, doctors appointments, etc. My collection of vintage glasses and mugs include everything from Super Heroes to The Flintstones and ALL of them bring back memories for me. Do you have a favorite glass or mug? Do you think just because you’re older you need to part with it? Is a glass like a woobie? Should Men’s Health be deciding what kind of crap we keep on our bedroom shelves?
www.SexyArmpit.com

You Want It, But You Don’t NEED It!

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I’m being a real slacker lately so I’ve put together a post that will highlight some cool shit that I’ve found while clicking around the Internet. I’m sure you’ve heard of some of these, while others maybe not. There will be more posts on the way from The Sexy Armpit.com, and the very first, limited edition, SEXY ARMPIT T-Shirts are COMING SOON!

For years I have been trying to invent a robot that wheeled itself around asking “Do you want ketchup on that” And if you said yes then it’s crazy robot hands would flip up and start squirting ketchup at you…or if you’re lucky…on your fries or burger. Once I figured out that I had no skills in science in any way I put that idea to rest, probably for the better. It was just a chance discovery to find this item, it’s no robot, but at least it attempts to bring condiments up to the FUN level that they should always be at. Introducing: THE CONDIMENT GUN!

The price of this collectible has jettisoned through the entire space time continuum and came BACK and it’s still ridiculously expensive. Even cowboy hats and Mary Steenburgen couldn’t make this baby affordable. Great Scott! It’s your very own Flux Capacitor!

If you ever aspired to be Jack Burton from Big Trouble in Little China, like I did after I saw the movie when I was a kid then you need the shirt he wore in the film. Found Item Clothing has one of the best replicas of the shirt I’ve seen yet.

When I was a young Masters of the Universe freak, I was never too happy wielding a half a toy power sword while I forced my dad to carry the other half which belonged to Skeletor. It was a great gimmick to put the two halves together but one side was silver and the other was florescent yellow. I always hoped to get a power sword of my own, I even contemplated getting one tattooed on me but I figured I’d get a huge RED “G” (for geek) burned into my arm by the townspeople. That brings us to just a few years ago when the new Masters of the Universe cartoon came on Cartoon Network. The resurgence of the He-Man toy line and collectibles soared, (or ZOARED! lol) but the power sword changed and got all mechanical on us. I couldn’t stand the look of it since it was pretty far from the sleek and simple design of the original sword. To my dismay, Kingdom of Swords carried the replica of the new complicated power sword, but they also carry THE LIGHT UP SWORD OF OMENS from THUNDERCATS! This is CRAZY COOL, PEOPLE! I don’t think you understand the magnitude….just click the link and you will!

I heard about this next link on Attack of the Show. Just in case you missed it, I’ll repeat it here: GH Skinz is a skins site for your Guitar Hero guitar and drum kits. These skins will spruce up your guitar if you already haven’t plastered stickers and other foreign objects all over it already.

If you’re imaginary intergalactic adventures aren’t quite up to par lately, why don’t you buck up some dataries (try almost 6,000) and splurge on your very own life size protocol and astromech droids? Fuck yeah!

This last one is purely for those who enjoy a constant state of regression, like I do. When you grow frustrated with your life, job, wife, etc. Make a SNO-CONE from the Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine! I had one when I was a little kid and I remember making the Sno-Cones with my mom and sister and they never lived up to the hype that you got watching the ads for it. I think the process was more fun, and the anticipation of how good I thought it was going to be. Ahh, what the hell, let’s get one for the condo!

www.SexyArmpit.com

The BEST posts of 2007

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I hope you all enjoyed your holidays! I’m back from a fairly long hiatus from blogging. I can’t say it was a nice restful break either because the holidays usually stress me out. The traffic and people’s shitty attitudes really piss me off, but heck…they’re over! Now that it’s the last day of 2007, I figured I’d throw up a list of what I consider THE SEXY ARMPIT’S BEST OF 2007 as voted by Scarlett Johannson….nah shit I wish! As voted by ME! Thank you for reading and commenting. Happy New Year! There’s way more to come in ’08 and I look forward to putting up some of the most whacked out stuff yet. And now heeeere’s my top 10 posts of ’07.

10. Questionable Best Buy Ad – this is one of the “Must Read” posts from this site. Even if you don’t find it funny it really shows how ridiculous store ads sometimes are.

9. The Joe Francis Complex 

8. Night Walk – a long, but inspired account of thoughts running through my head during a walk through town at night.

7. Too Hard on the Two Coreys – in defense of the ’80s duo.

6. Knockoffs in Disguise – A sorry excuse for a Transformer.

5. CRUSH! A Sexy Armpit tribute – dedicated to the late pro wrestler Crush.

4. Illustrious Art found at Hooters? – It wasn’t a Picasso, I can tell you that much.

3. Tomes and Talismans – Turned out to be one of the most popular posts on this blog.

2. Getting High With Mr. Sketch – My love letter to scents.

1. Janine, She’s My Queen! – A risque love poem to fine ass Janine Melnitz.

www.SexyArmpit.com

The Sexy Armpit ‘s 3-year Anniversary…SPEECH…SPEECH!

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I’ve never celebrated an anniversary for this site so I figured why not indulge in a grand Internet tradition? I’ve prepared a little speech…

The great Paul Stanley of KISS once said that they originally created KISS because they wanted to be a band that they would enjoy watching live themselves. In 2004, I set out to create a website that was original and reflected my personality. It turned out to be more difficult than I imagined. The look was there, but the content wasn’t. I realized that the things that I felt compelled to write about were already written about and even when I came up with new ideas, I would log on to sites like X-E, Progressive Boink, and other sites only to see that it was already written about promptly and gloriously. If there’s a new food or drink, or the return of an old toy line from the ’80s like Masters of the Universe, it’s published on the Internet instantly.

The Sexy Armpit exists not to break the news on popular culture, or even report, it but merely to give it’s perspective. The market for pop culture blogs is already saturated. Hopefully you’ll see that our mission isn’t to be quick on the mark, or the MOST nostalgic…but one that doesn’t follow the crowd.

For me, the desire to keep writing will always be there because I enjoy it. It’s obviously not about the money. The hard part is coming up with ideas that haven’t really been done too much on the Internet. If I were to write a piece on the reasons why I’d want to bang Teela, that might be humorous, but I bet some lonely guy has a running list on some site that’s been on a server since ‘94. (apparently the #1 reason is that “She loves Anal“)

www.SexyArmpit.com

Bon Jovi at The Prudential Center in Newark, N.J 10/25/07

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Other media outlets and blogs were on this story like a cheap suit, so I’ll do it up Sexy Armpit style. If you know me in “real life,” then you know I’m a huge Bon Jovi fan. There’s Bon Jovi fans all over the world, but if you grew up a couple of miles away from Jon’s hometown and went to the same high school Richie Sambora did, there’s a special connection. Everyone all over town has a Bon Jovi story for you.

Here’s one: Opening night of the Prudential Center was pretty exciting. It took about 10 minutes to walk from Newark Penn Station to the new venue “The Rock” as they’re calling it. This wasn’t a fun journey because I had to pee so bad and people were walking very leisurely, like when they’re at the mall on a weekday. I briskly walked past everyone not giving a f–k about huge piles of horse shit in the streets. Horse shit? Oh yeah, there were police on horseback in addition to the 35,000 other cops and security strewn about the area. You’d think the President was coming. (I doubt Bush would last 3 seconds in Newark. I also doubt he’d be able to bypass all the piles of horse shit.)
TV crews and radio stations were setup and, once we got there, thousands of people were waiting in lines to actually get in the building! There was a big holdup because everyone had to get patted down, scanned, and then you had to do the hokey pokey. As I held out my ticket to give to the ticket taker, she said “I need your ticket.” I was a bit confused because that’s exactly what I was shoving in her face at that moment. They really trained these folks well! We made our way up the spiral staircase that brought us to the top that overlooked the foyer with the N.J Devils logo on the floor.
“The Rock,” is a brand new facility with the most up to date amenities. The center also features a bar/restaurant that’s open on the area side so you can watch whatever’s going on while your getting trashed and eating a $5.00 slice of pizza. I would say the place was fairly impressive, but I really didn’t think there was anything wrong with the Meadowlands Arena aka the Izod Center. I questioned how cutting edge the facility was when people were leaving after the show and the escalator stopped dead with a bunch of people on it. If we didn’t grab hold of each other we would have went flying into that disastrous place called “let’s cover this up by giving them comped Bon Jovi tickets for the next 10 nights so it doesn’t make the papers.”

Oh yeah, you probably want to know how the show was! Let’s put it this way, Bon Jovi NEVER puts on a bad show. Every time I’ve seen them they’ve been on point and I always leave saying how great the show was. It gets harder to top themselves but this show had a more laid back vibe, like on their latest album “Lost Highway.” The album is less rocking, and more reflective, with a country aspect to sound. That didn’t deter the band from kicking off the Prudential center and their world tour in a grand fashion: “I’m a New Jersey Devil and this is my new house,” Jon declared.

Highlights of the show: The opener “Lost Highway,” “We’ve Got it Goin‘ On” (What’s with all the the commercial jingles lately?), A spectacular rendition of “These Days” sung by Richie Sambora with Violinist Lorenza Ponce. How many times have you seen a violinist rocking out a solo? Then there was the middle aged guy who’s pissed drunk and thinks he’s giving his own concert to the people around him. I can’t forget the crazy people in front of us who thought they were filming a B-52’s video. (see above) They were dancing like they were at a Prince concert. The best moment as always was the finale of their anthem, “Wanted Dead or Alive.”
www.SexyArmpit.com

What’s in a Blog Name?

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It’s important to be honest with your audience. This is precisely why I’m going to share with you an idea that I’ve been wrestling with in my head for a while now. I’ve been torn as to whether or not I should change the name of this blog. It’s a month or so shy of being THREE years that I’ve owned and operated some form of TheSexyArmpit.com. As a guy who enjoys the peculiar and offensive, I thought it was a perfect name for the website that I was running. Following an egotistical name like “jayontherocks.com” I had to rebound with something original but not as focused on myself or my former radio career.

I’m pretty definite that I’m sick of explaining the meaning of “TheSexyArmpit.com.” Even though it’s always made perfect sense to me, people just don’t get it. Once I got smart and jumped on blogger, I wrote a quick synopsis in my profile. New Jersey or several towns in N.J have always been referred to as “The Armpit of America,” or “…of the Universe.” It just sounded funny to call a place that’s relentlessy dissed for being so filthy and grimy, SEXY!

Unfortunately ArmpitofAmerica.com was already taken. What the hell does that address link to anyway? NOTHING GOOD THAT’S FO SHO!! I could have done so much more damage with that name. I would’ve been inducted to the blogging hall of fame, I would’ve had rip away shirts with the name on it, I would’ve thrown frisbees out to the crowd with blog entries printed on them. In fact, ArmpitofAmerica’s satirical nature would’ve even tickled President Bush’s fancy and I would’ve already dined at the freakin’ White House wit ‘dem dare Bush folks. Now, of course, I will eat happily at White Castle instead of the White House. As you know there are many White Castles in the Armpit of America, that’s what’s so great about America. We can eat Burgers in a Castle in the middle of an Armpit. It’s pretty damn amazing. But when you have even your own father telling you to change the name of the blog, it kind of makes you wonder.

If you’ve read this far into the blog, I am basically in love with you regardless of your sex. As the British electro-pop icon extrordinaire D.J Shanks describes it “My small cult of underground fans.”

www.SexyArmpit.com

The Soprano’s Score a Soda

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I have to admit I’m almost getting that same feeling as I had leading up to the release of Revenge of the Sith. For a Star Wars fan to disclose that kind of info to the public is pretty huge because that feeling doesn’t come around that many times in life. It’s the same type of excitement anyone can experience for something they are really looking forward to beyond description. Usually when I’m anticipating an event I feel pretty good vibes leading up to it. So having this cold bottle of amaretto flavored Soprano’s Italian Soda only creates more fervor inside of me.
I don’t think marketing “Italian” Sodas with the Soprano’s logo is extreme at all. I think it came at a perfect time. If items like this came during an earlier season of the show the novelty would have watered down the shows quality. Just this past year we saw the release of the Soprano’s video game and a slew of other stuff. These things really just make me more anxious and make the year long wait time in between seasons more grueling when it should be whetting my palate. Even though I’m super excited, I’m still very sad to see it go. For six seasons The Soprano’s has been the most well done show out of any program on broadcast television or cable.
Even though it shows a darker side of the state I feel that The Sopranos is proud of the great state of New Jersey and embraces it much like we do here at The Sexy Armpit. Make fun of N.J all you want, but we can say this classic show belongs to us!

www.SexyArmpit.com

The State of the Armpit

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Promises, Promises. I’m usually the kind of guy who won’t make a promise unless I can keep it. In this case it’s about the website “TheSexyArmpit.com”. I kept saying I would update and throw up some new podcasts. Alot of you are probably wondering what the hell happened to all of that. Well – here it is: I don’t have the time. I know it sounds lame but I really don’t. It’s unfortunate but the “real world” has kinda snuck up on me. I’m still the whacked out guy I’ve always been, but now I just have lots of bills to pay. So unless I get my next 400 paychecks by tomorrow afternoon the website form of “TheSexyArmpit.com” will cease to exist.

I know you’re all bummed. But think about it, what’s more friggin’ hip than a blog? lol. I don’t know about you but I’m so sick of MySpace so this is the way I’ll be doing it from now on. At least until some huge company comes to me and says we want to sponsor your site and make it the most visited sight on the internet. Well that ain’t happening any time soon so I decided to go with a blog. It’s nice and easy and it’ll concentrate on any warped thoughts that I have that desperately need to escape from my brain.

As for the podcast – I’d still like to do it and I haven’t counted it out. But it seems that I won’t have a way to present it without a website unless I use ITunes. SO that’s not impossible.

Another thing stacked against the site was the fact that we (Steve and Myself) couldn’t get any loyal staff members to be part of the team. It was like we were the black plague. I see plenty of sites that have staff of 11 or 12 people who take on different jobs such as reviewer/advertiser. We couldn’t get ANYONE let alone someone who could take on a specific job. Even Steve crapped out. I guess life just gets in the way. But I’m still committed to having something up on the internet. So that’s where I’m at now. The lone blogger. Fuck off…I carry silver bullets.

www.SexyArmpit.com