The Sexy Armpit Archives - Page 9 of 10

NAME THE SEXY ARMPIT GIRL CONTEST!!!

Posted on October 15, 2008 by sexyarmpit

The Sexy Armpit’s MONSTROUS HALLOWEEN PRIZE PACK is now up for grabs!!!

This is all you have to do:

1) Help me come up with a NAME for the hot chick on the top left of this screen, you know, the one wearing The Sexy Armpit T-Shirt, the one leaning up against a Turnpike sign covered in sludge, YES that one! I need to come with a name for her. It could be anything from Anastasia to Suzie, or from Margath to Mercedes. If you’re the winner, I can’t say that I will definitely wind up using the name you submit, but it will definitely help narrow my choices! The sexier and skankier, the better!! Remember, this is the type of girl you want to receive a lapdance from. That is…after she cleans off all that Jersey gunk. Or she can keep it on if that’s your bag. I don’t want to read any names like Mary, Kate, or Ashley. Try to give me some that even my outlandish mind wouldn’t think of! If you feel like throwing in some that will make me chuckle, feel free! Have some fun with it! REMEMBER, she’s a Jersey Girl!

2) E-mail your choice/choices to sexyarmpit@comcast.net

3) One winner will be selected and they’ll take home THE SEXY ARMPIT’S MONSTROUS HALLOWEEN PRIZE PACK!!!

The prize pack consists of:

– A Very Limited Edition Sexy Armpit T-Shirt!!! Very few were printed up since I literally had to take out a second mortgage just to pay for them.

– TWO (count ’em 2!) FREE PASSES to MONSTER MINI GOLF! The folks at Monster Golf were nice enough to send over some giveaways after they saw my review and You Tube montage that I made! Monster Mini Golf is an indoor glow in the dark 18-hole mini golf course with locations all over the country. The passes are good at all locations.

– Jack O’Lantern DVD – The worst movie of all time. Perfect watch with your friends while you’re drinking. DVD is brand new, bought specifically for this contest so some unsuspecting soul could be dragged into the depths of MOVIE HELL just like I was when I watched this piece of crap.

***The He-Man T-Shirt Contest is still going on! Click HERE for more info!

My First Nocturna Mission!

Posted on October 7, 2008 by sexyarmpit

There’s not enough Nocturna on the Internet! I’ve expressed my passion for Nocturna and my desire to see her appear in the next Batman film on this site before, even though my efforts will no doubt be futile.

Now that Autumn is here, the sun has started to go down earlier each day. What better way to greet the night than with the sensual and gothic Batman villain and sexpot, Nocturna, Mistress of the Night? While she’s not the comedic sort like Elvira, they definitely evoke similar qualities in appearance. I’d imagine Nocturna is lighter on her feet than Elvira because she doesn’t have big hair. They’re both ultra pale. Elvira just likes to cake on the makeup, but Nocturna has a legitimate lack of skin pigment. I can’t really say if Nocturna ever wears nipple tassels that she spins around when flailing her boobs during dance numbers, but she does carry herself with quite a Dark Shadows type flair.

Noctura’s sexier than Poison Ivy, especially if you don’t like when Pam makes vines grow up your legs and then tries to hold you captive in her room full of killer cactus and Venus flytraps. (Not that she’s tried that kind of kinky thing on me or anything…) Now, goth chicks on the other hand are a lot of fun and unlike Poison Ivy, they don’t need to shoot you with darts full of love serum to turn you on. All it takes is some pale cleavage and jet black hair, and they’ve got you hooked…much like Bruce Wayne was when in the presence of Nocturna!

Today The Sexy Armpit will take a look at the covers and some panels from Detective Comics #530 and Batman #363. Please, all of you creatures of the night, join me in my Nocturna Mission! We’ll have more Nocturna to follow within the Halloween Countdown!

Welcome to The Sexy Armpit’s Halloween Hang Out

Posted on October 1, 2008 by sexyarmpit

Starting this week:

1) The Sexy Armpit Halloween Countdown beginning with our review of New York City’s Blood Manor!

2) We’ll also have yet another Sexy Armpit Contest going on! This one will be going on all month long. More info within the next few days.

3) The He-Man Battle Armor T-Shirt contest is still going on! The deadline will be announced soon, most likely in the beginning of November. Enter by clicking the “CLICK HERE” link on the right side of the page.

4) Voting for The Sexy Armpit reader survey is going on now! Please take a minute to tell us what you’d like to see more of if you haven’t already voted.

As always, thank you for visiting The Sexy Armpit and in case you missed them here’s a few posts from last year’s Halloween Countdown!

Halloween 1981

Movie Review: Don’t Go To Sleep

Mike Spade’s Haunted House

Trick or Treating with Mr. Mom

Haunted Hayride of Terror

Skull Shot Glasses

Rob Zombie’s Hellbilly Halloween!

and reaching further back is a Sexy Armpit Classic:

15 Things that Scared the Shit out of Me as a Kid

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.7: Who Watches The Watchmen? New Jersey Does!

Posted on September 18, 2008 by sexyarmpit

If you’re worth your weight in geek, you can’t wait for The Watchmen movie to be released. It’s sure to be an excruciating 6 months, and even the slightest Watchmen reference doesn’t calm my anxious anticipation. Hopefully the court will rule in favor of allowing Watchmen to be released on schedule that way we won’t have to continue pulling our hair out and re-watching the first chapter of the motion comic on iTunes for the fifty-thousandth time! In the meantime, you’re in luck you Sexy Armpiters! You can temporarily calm those nerves because there are a few references to New Jersey in the pages of the classic Watchmen comic book series! Don’t worry, there’s no spoilers here, so if you haven’t read Watchmen you can still enjoy this post! Shame on you…READ WATCHMEN NOW!

Chapter IV: Watchmaker centers around the most interesting and cool looking character in Watchmen, Dr. Manhattan. Jon Osterman a.k.a Dr. Manhattan holds a PH.D in Atomic Physics from Princeton University, in New Jersey. An Ivy League school, Princeton boasts graduates ranging from U.S presidents to dropouts such as Bruce Wayne, as well as serving as the location for several scenes in the upcoming Transformers 2 Revenge of the Fallen.

According to Wikipedia here’s what Osterman DIDN’T learn while matriculating at Princeton: “Manhattan’s powers include superhuman strength, the ability to teleport himself or others, the manipulation of matter at a subatomic level, and near total clairvoyance.” Oh yeah, Manhattan can also fix watches which isn’t traditionally that cool but proves to be a gift that gets him laid!
In this chapter, we also find out that the mother of Manhattan’s former flame Janey Slater lives in New Jersey. Janey and Jon decide to kill some time at an amusement park while waiting for Janey’s mother to get home.
Dr. Manhattan reflects on an old photo of himself with his past girlfriend taken at Palisades Amusement Park in N.J. You may remember Freddy Cannon singing about falling in love at “Palisades Park,” a song he recorded that was written by Chuck Barris and later covered by The Ramones. Palisades Amusement park featured the largest salt water wave pool in the country, thanks to water pumping in from the Hudson River. (ewwww! what were they thinking? lol) Presently there’s a high rise luxury apartment complex built on it’s property, but in it’s day the wildly popular Palisades Park was the place to be. Dr. Manhattan wasn’t reminiscing about Coney Island now was he? How ’bout that, huh?

The Good Old Balls and Computer Comparison

Posted on August 30, 2008 by sexyarmpit

I’ve always tried to take note of all the times I see something ridiculous on the Internet. Realistically, you and I know that’s a near impossible task since you probably see something completely off the wall every time you go online. Many times the advertisements are the culprits. Who’s writing these attention grabbing masterpieces? They’re definitely getting the job done since this ad pulled me in like a tractor beam. Accomplish it’s task it did, but click on the link I didn’t. Personally, I use this phrase in real life frequently, although not referring to my pc. More like “It’s hot as BALLS in here!” What do you think…are these ads fashioned by SNL writers? Next time you’re online remember to look out for these over the top ads. At the very least you’ll get a chuckle, or a faster PC! lol. I wonder if “Slow as Balls” is a technical term in computer lingo?

Speaking of a PC that’s “slow as balls,” you may notice that The Sexy Armpit may be taking a bit longer to load since the new header is bigger and more bad ass than it used to be. What do you think?

Our Trip to Monster Miniature Golf

Posted on August 11, 2008October 26, 2020 by sexyarmpit

As sports go, I’ve never been truly good at any of them. I have my moments in basketball but my talents are better suited for thinking of outlandish ideas and growing slimy Captain America’s in my kitchen.

I always thought I was above “par” at miniature golf, but that one got shot down the other night when The Sexy Armpit took a trip to Monster Mini Golf in Fairfield New Jersey. I discovered this place on a Google search with my boss during lunch at work. We were thinking out loud and wondered if any indoor miniature golf places existed in New Jersey. What if it was raining one night and we just had an urge to go mini golfing? Damn, we’d be shit out of luck! So, as Google always does, it came back with plenty of helpful search results.

To my surprise, one of the results lead to Monster Mini Golf which looked awesome. I couldn’t believe I never heard of it before. Apparently it’s a chain across the country. Monster Mini Golf is basically the miniature golf version of a dark ride. I don’t see how anyone could not think that is one of the coolest things ever invented. It’s right up there with the advent of Peanut Butter and Jelly.

Not enough places take the time and effort into making their establishment original. Remember the quirky places you loved as a kid? Between the Showbiz Pizza places and Razmatazz, they all had charm. After a while there wasn’t one place that was brave enough to stand out. What happened to the “show,” and the “spectacle?” I think all people, especially kids need to escape the real world and be reminded that life is fun, not all business. I love the over the top animatronics and spooky displays that you see in dark rides and in amusement parks. It’s a mystery to me how we don’t have a place inspired by Magic Kingdom in the tri-state area. Besides Great Adventure, Sesame Place, and Chuck E. Cheese there’s nowhere to bring your kids for a fun time. Until now.

Finally there’s a place that reminds me of the type of place I loved to go to as a kid. Monster Mini Golf is the kind of place that makes a kid’s jaw hang open in awe for a while. I’ve posted a few pictures of some of the phantasmic displays you’ll see as you’re trying to put the ball in the hole in under 5 attempts. (Something I occasionally had difficulty with.) I’m usually easily amused by glow in the dark stuff and blacklights, so perhaps I was distracted?

When you’re finished with the game you can head over to the game room and play some air hockey, shoot hoops, and even get a taste of the boardwalk with some ski-ball. All the games will spit out some tickets that you can cash in for some creepy little monster toys. We all opted for the Goblin rings. We were a few points shy, but the the guy at the desk was nice enough to give us all rings anyway.

This trip was a lot of fun and if you live far from Fairfield, N.J, I recommend you plan a little trip to Route 46. You won’t be disappointed, and afterward there’s no shortage of restaurants and malls in the surrounding area. Go with a group or bring your kids and you’re sure to have a good time without spending a lot of money. If you’re apprehensive to take a far ride, then at the very least you should plan to go before Halloween. It’s one of those places that definitely has personality, and I commend the owners for being brave enough to open one in New Jersey and for having such a courteous, helpful staff.

Also, you may want to stop by Jose Tejas after the big game for some Tejas Chicken. They are the best Tex-Mex restaurant in existence and it’s authentic atmosphere will make you feel like you’re in From Dusk Til’ Dawn or something. Ever wonder about the “meat on a stick” conversation in There’s Something About Mary? Well, Jose Tejas listened and created boneless chicken on a stick with a semi-hot buffalo type sauce. After a knock down, drag out game of Monster mini-golf, they were a perfect way to end the night.
With my silly little Sony Cybershot camera I took some video and edited it up real nice for you! Take a look and leave a comment if you enjoy it! Perhaps next time I’ll take a crack at Women’s Beach Volleyball?

NJ to the World: “We Apologize for Breeding the Jonas Brothers”

Posted on August 10, 2008 by sexyarmpit

Throughout time the world has seen a shitload of carnage, but none of it is comparable to the fact that The Jonas Brothers exist.

These dumb-haired, overly preppy, Miley Cyrus bangers could possibly be the most pretentious trio ever to exist. Even though they appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone, they’re the antithesis of Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll. The world needs some danger and these guys are not helping the cause. Shame on Rolling Stone for selling out! Sure I get it, R.S wanted all the parents to make a mad run to the news stand to horde several copies for each of their tweens.

The Jonas Brothers are from Wykoff, N.J (median income: $103,614) which is one of the ritzier towns in New Jersey. For this I apologize. It’s probable that these guys lived a sheltered, spoon fed upbringing. These guys lack edge now but when they get a little older and realize that Hollywood is treating them like yesterdays garbage then the drugs and depression will set in. We’ll see how cheerful, positive, and family friendly they remain after they can’t even get into certain restaurants that even Andy Dick gets rez’s at. Some people thought The Two Corey’s were down and out but A&E still gave them a reality show so the Jonas Brothers shouldn’t lose all hope. Oh wait I forgot, The Two Corey’s was cancelled. Let’s face it, NKOTB seem dark and brooding compared to the Jonas brothers.

The Jonas Brothers are an absolutely awful representation of what it means to be from New Jersey. In fact, these guys may as well have been born in Virginia because they’re rich, spoiled kids who didn’t even attend public school. The Jonas Brothers were home schooled. I’ve always found that the home schooled kids have parents who are so egotistical that they think they could do a better job teaching their children than an entire staff of qualified, intelligent, professional educators. Something tells me the reason why towns and cities employ a full staff of administrators and teachers is so parents don’t have to take on the huge burden themselves.

Were the Jon”ass” brothers parents so afraid of what is out there? Did they think their soft, effeminate, blessed Brothers Jonass were going to get made fun of or be mauled by the Jersey Devil? I sure as hell know that these 3 would’ve been eaten alive if they went to my middle school or high school. Something tells me that the Jonas family thought that the outside world would lead the Jonas brothers down the wrong path. In actuality, it’s the rich, overly religious folks that WE need to be scared of. Want evidence? Just look at their offspring!

Read the following interesting tidbits from the Jonas Brothers’ WIKIPEDIA entry:

Personal lives
The Jonas’s are known for their wholesome, family-friendly image. The brothers are all committed Evangelical Christians, their father is a former pastor, and they were homeschooled by their mother. In addition, they all famously wear purity rings on
their left-hand ring finger and have vowed not to have premarital sex. Joe has said that the rings symbolize “a promise to ourselves and to God that we’ll stay pure ’till marriage,” and Nick had stated that “it’s [purity rings] pretty awesome, and the rings are just one of our ways of kind of like being different than everybody else out there.” They started wearing the rings when their parents, Denise and Kevin Sr., asked them if they wanted to.[60]
They also abstain from alcohol, tobacco, and drugs.[61]

Philanthropy
The Jonas Brothers earned about $12 million in 2007, and have donated 10% of their
earnings to their charity, Change for the Children Foundation.[62][63]

Purity Rings? Puh-lease! I can almost see it, years from now they’ll be bribing paparazzi to take pictures of them. The Sexy Armpit to the Jonas Brothers: “Grow some f–king balls, you’re from NEW JERSEY you pansies!” How do you expect us to uphold our reputation when you’re putting on “prom themed” concerts? I wonder if these guys have ever experienced anything real? My prescription to them is to sit in 3 hours of gridlock N.J traffic and then get into a fight just because you feel like it. After I give you all swift kicks in the stomach, then perhaps you could steal a 40, shave your heads, and stop being so freaking lame.

Are You Wet Yet?

Posted on August 6, 2008 by sexyarmpit

Don’t ask what company this truck belongs to because I have no idea. All I know is, they have a very eye catching motto on the back of their truck. “Are You Wet Yet.” I got the impression that they mean business because there’s no question mark at the end of that shit. After I saw this I guess my mind veered off for a second because I found myself about to answer the question, and then I realized I wasn’t able to get in on that type of action unless I had some surgery. Whatever company it is, I give them credit for having the balls to put this tag line on the back of their trucks! Leave it to the hornballs in New Jersey! I guess it wouldn’t be much worse if I had “The Sexy Armpit” written on the back of my car. The license plate has been censored to protect the innocent.

Bubba Shelby: Artist by Day, Toy Collector by Night!

Posted on July 28, 2008 by sexyarmpit

Yeah, I knew you would like that one! The illustration above shows the awe and anticipation most of us felt for the Batman movies! This piece was done by friend and fellow blogger extraordinaire Bubba Shelby. He maintains several blogs such as my personal favorite, Toyriffic! and he also displays his art at bubbashelby.blogspot.com. His sketches and illustrations are bright, fun to look at, and filled with personality. Go there and you’ll see his Supergirl/Batgirl hybrid, his take on the ’60s Batmobile, and even Zatanna! If you’re not much of a fanboy then don’t worry! His subject matter doesn’t only include superheroes, you’ll also see some of his original characters and sketches as well. In the last couple of years he’s posted so many awesome illustrations that you’ll want to go through his entire archive! So pay him a visit Sexy Armpit style! Here’s 2 of my favorites:

What’s In My Cart at Wal-Mart?

Posted on July 23, 2008 by sexyarmpit

I usually hesitate before I write a post about a Dorito flavor. I know everyone and their father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate’s going to post about it. I try my best not to write about what everyone else is writing about (excluding The Dark Knight of course!) even if that means I won’t be getting as many hits. You can ignore all that though because I’m about to contradict myself.
PIZZA and RANCH? Holy crap. This was another instance of me walking through the aisles at Wal-Mart and actually having my eyes bulge out of my sockets like Roger Rabbit. What’s my policy when first noticing a new Doritos flavor? BUY 2. I’m better off because with my luck I’ll love them and go back to the store to buy more and find out that the “limited editionness” of them wasn’t actually a ploy. There’s always a chance they may become extinct from shelves so always buy 2!!! Unless they’re Mountain Dew flavor, then you may as well feed both packages to the Pigeons and let them have their Epiphany day where their messiah is scattered all over the ground. To them, all they’ll see is a a luscious, glowing, triangular nacho chip speckled with radioactive dust.

I’m definitely one of those people who considers themselves a Doritos connoisseur. Believe it or not I know a few people who despise Doritos. I don’t know how you can’t like them! Personally, I don’t enjoy regular, greasy potato chips. They don’t turn me into one of those wild and crazay guys like the Doritos do.

I’d say these are my definite favorite out of the Doritos Collisions Line. Zesty Taco/Chipotle Ranch come in a close second and 3rd place would be the Hot Wings and Blue Cheese. In the Pizza Cravers/Ranch scenario the pizza flavor tastes much like the last time they showed up in the late ‘90s. If you never tasted them the seasoning is very similar to Pizzarias! Remember them? Now they kicked ass! Do they actually taste like pizza? Well maybe if you think really hard, close your eyes…oh and it may work better if you’re under the influence of a hallucinogen. The Ranch flavor actually tasted more appealing to me than the classic Cool Ranch. They’re Cool Ranch minus the COOL, because they’re just so smooth. They’re like a blanket made of ranch flavored velvet. Pizza Cravers and Ranch make a great combination of flavors. Apparently there’s a cult of people who dip their pizza crust in ranch dressing. I don’t have a membership card to that crew but hey, go for it! I’ll stick to the Doritos! BUY 2!

What did I conquer next? A couple of hot chicks on a cereal box. OK, so I admitted to playing with Barbie’s when I was a kid…but it was only ONCE OK? I figured since I did write about the piece of ass Barbie dolls that are on store shelves, then it’s almost a requirement that I pick these up:

I really couldn’t resist. I’m still on a quest to find a cereal that tastes like Oops! All Berries, which are quite possibly the best cereal ever made since Smurfberry Crunch. Since those 2 Godsends disappeared, I’ve never tasted anything so good. In the back of my head I can only hope they taste halfway decent. That will make up for me having a box of “limited edition” Barbie cereal in my shopping cart. I “manned” up my cart though, don’t worry. I threw in some Mach 3 Turbo razors, and Salsa. That’s a man’s pickup! I also had some night lights so mixed with the Barbie cereal that could either mean I’m a total pussy and afraid of the dark, or I have a little daughter who’s been having nightmares and I’m showing concern for her by buying her limited edition multi grain breakfast cereal. Neither one is true, I just yearned for a good cereal that would bring me back to…yeah…I’m gonna say it: Yesteryear. lol.

I JUST OPENED THE BOX…

Like the Target lady played by Kristen Wiig on SNL says HOORAY! My deduction was correct, this Barbie cereal is amazing! If you were a fan of Oops! all Berries then you will enjoy this because it has a very similar taste, PLUS marshmallows and two hot chicks on the front of the box! You can’t go wrong so THANK YOU BARBIE LIMITED EDITION MULTI GRAIN CEREAL WITH MARSHMALLOWS! You saved us! The Sexy Armpit says BUY 2!

So, have you had any whacked out purchases lately?