The Rahway Redemption #1: Arrested Development

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Welcome to a new recurring column here at The Sexy Armpit called The Rahway Redemption. The legendary Rahway Prison, a.k.a East Jersey State Prison has quite a menacing look about it. Whenever I drive by the monstrous institution, I definitely get a little creeped out. Thanks in part to it’s unsympathetic and raw reputation, this slammer is a star in it’s own right. Well, at least a star enough to get a column dedicated to it here at The Armpit! I’m attempting to break out of the prison but I need your help! In this column I need you to read on as I present Rahway Prison’s most notable appearances in pop culture. 

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In Season One, Episode 6 (12/7/03) of one of the funniest TV shows of all time, Arrested Development, Michael Bluth (Jason Bateman) attempts to get his father George Senior (Jeff Tambor) out of prison. First, Michael tried to get to the bottom of some of his father’s shady transactions. Michael decided to get some answers while visiting him at Orange County Prison. George Sr. was too busy to talk about anything important since he was practicing softball with other inmates.

Michael: 
I hate to be buzzkill, but I’m trying to get you out of here.

George Sr.: 
Yeah well, I’m trying to get us out of last place Michael! 
We’re playing Rahway next week…word has it that they’re getting Jose Canseco!

Michael: 
I’m starting to wonder why I even bother coming.

<inmate softball player>
BLUTH…RIGHT FIELD!

George Sr.
That is ridiculous!

Michael:
You won’t even talk to me?!?!

George Sr.
I’M CATCHER OR I’M NOTHING!

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Why You Need Kevin Smith’s Zack and Miri Make a Porno on DVD & Blu-ray

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Kevin Smith’s Zack and Miri Make a Porno is available today on DVD and Blu-Ray. I fought the treacherously slippery roads and 3-4 inches of snow and headed to Best Buy to pick up my copy. It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard about this film, if you read The Sexy Armpit, and even somewhat enjoy it, then I’m positive you’ll like this film. If for some insane reason you haven’t seen it and still need to be convinced, see it for these reasons:
5) Katie Morgan is nude. Very nude. Oh and Traci Lords is C3PO! (see above)
4) Craig Robinson is hysterical. “Han Solo ain’t never had no sex with Princess Leia in the Star War!”
3) Elizabeth Banks is hot. If you don’t believe me…watch Wet Hot American Summer.
2) See what happens when Brandon Routh (Superman) and Justin Long drink one too many cosmos. Together they provide one of the most classic pieces of banter out of all of Kevin Smith’s films. That’s quite a remark considering such classic quotable competition from the likes of Clerks, Mallrats, and Chasing Amy.
1) The moment depicted in the screen shot above. They plan on making a Star Wars PORN! If you’re sick and tired of the ridiculously delayed homage to Star Wars, Fanboys, then these Star Wars porn scenes will more than tide you over.
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Ashley Tisdale is January’s Garden State Playmate!

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No these ladies haven’t been featured in Playboy, but if they are a) hot, and b) from New Jersey, live in the state, or have lived in the state at one time, then they’ll be featured in this new column here at The Armpit called “Garden State Playmates.” GSP spotlights well known female personalities including actresses, musicians, models, porn stars, and whoever else I deem deserving of this exalted honor. 

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Congratulations to the first ever GSP, Ashley Tisdale! Considering the fact that many of my readers have children who like Ashley Tisdale, let’s not make this weird O.K? Here’s some facts about Ashley thanks to the assist from Wikipedia:
– Ashley was born in Monmouth County, NJ and grew up in a ritzy part of Ocean Township.
– Her Grandfather created Ginsu knives and she’s also related to “Set it, and forget it!” Ron Popeil. That’s most likely where they had the money to live in Ocean Township.
– She appeared in over 100 commercials as a child. Can you say “showbiz mom” ???

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– In the High School Musical series, the name of Tisdale’s character is Sharpay Evans. I don’t know about you but that name makes me want to puke.
– Had a small role in Richard Kelly’s awesome film, Donnie Darko.
– She is the face of Degree Girl deodorant, and hopefully she uses it liberally. She’s got to keep those armpits sexy if she wants to keep her title of GSP.
– Has her own “Ashley Doll” made by Huckleberry Toys:

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– Claimed that her nose job was a necessary health precaution due to a deviated septum that was interfering with her breathing. Ashley told People magazine that she wanted to be honest with her fans. If she really was being honest she could’ve said that she hated her nose and she would be more successful if she had her nose fixed.
– In ’08, Tisdale ranked #6 on Forbes list of the “10 Top Paid Tweens” with $5.5 million earned. She also ranked #17 on Forbes list of “Highest Earners under 30” which is a list that, shockingly, I was left off of.
– As far as I know, Tisdale has not followed in the footsteps of her High School Musical co-star Vanessa Hudgens, who snapped naked photos of herself in a cheap stunt to boost her career. Perhaps a strategic career move like that would benefit her? What do you think? Would dirty pics of Ashley Tisdale sink Vanessa Hudgens battleship? Does anyone even care about Vanessa Hudgens?
www.SexyArmpit.com

Monster Mini Golf vs. Monster Cable Lawsuit Dropped

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Monster Cable, the company that’s quite possibly responsible for manufacturing the HDMI cable running to your flatscreen in your living room, has dropped it’s ridiculous lawsuit against Monster Mini Golf. I had such a fun time at Monster Mini Golf that I uploaded some video I shot when I was there, did a write up, and they sent me some passes for a giveaway here on the Armpit. I know it seems like they’re paying me, but they aren’t!
This was a dispute where Monster Cable felt that the name “Monster Mini Golf” was infringing on their trademark. Check out the Engadget post about it here. What strikes me about this whole dispute is that they never went after Monster Beverages who manufactures energy drinks. Anyone who isn’t high off his ass from a speedball right now can realize that Monster Mini Golf would NEVER be confused with a company that makes super high priced audio/visual cables. Why didn’t they also pick on Monster Ballads while they were at it? For anyone interested, Monster Mini Golf locations can be found all over the country. For a list of them, go here. Meanwhile, if you still have no idea what they are all about, then check out my little Monster montage:

www.SexyArmpit.com

Best Posts of 2008

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The hustle and bustle of the Christmas season impaired my blog consistency. Between Christmas shopping and work I nearly wanted to vomit when I thought of creating quality posts in the last few weeks. I don’t know how some bloggers can post up to 6 times a day when I feel like it’s a fairly big deal to create just ONE well put together post. Well, here’s another classic copout of a blog post: THE BEST POSTS OF 2008! The following is an exhaustively egotistical look at all of my favorite posts I wrote throughout the year, which somehow translates to the “Best Posts.” If you enjoy coming to this site, I appreciate it very much! For new visitors and long time friends, New Jersey is still a mess of swamps, toxic waste, and a ton of pop culture garbage, so have no fear, 2009 will not let you down! 































www.SexyArmpit.com

Congrats to NEW WWE Champion Jeff Hardy!

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Despite his erratic record, tonight’s WWE Pay Per View Armageddon finally saw Jeff Hardy come away with the WWE Championship. Jeff is known to put his body on the line with risky aerial assaults and daredevil ring tactics which makes attaining such an accomplishment worthwhile. Hardy began his career as a “jobber” like many others, but he continuously left fans in awe by risking his career in the name of sports entertainment. Screw his drug problem, Hardy is the real deal. The Sexy Armpit congratulates Jeff on 15 years of hard work! WWE Smackdown comes to The Sovereign Bank Arena in Trenton on 12/27 and The Izod Center in East Rutherford on 12/30 and The Sexy Armpit.com will be there!

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“Name The Sexy Armpit Girl” Contest Winner!

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A big THANK YOU to everyone who entered the contest and came up with such great names! I was excited to see how many responses I received. it was difficult, but after a painstaking elimination process I’ve chosen a winner! Even though I’ve chosen a name, (thanks Corinne!) I will be keeping the names on hand for possible use in other aspects of the site. I’ll announce the name of The Sexy Armpit girl in an upcoming post!

I find it funny that the He-Man T-Shirt contest hasn’t been anywhere near as successful as the Monstrous Halloween Prize pack giveaway was. It just goes to show, people would rather wear a shirt with an image of an unnamed hot chick leaning on a slimy N.J Turnpike sign than a Battle Armor He-Man Ringer T-Shirt. I suppose the action figure it’s inspired by has a real niche fan base. What am I saying? I nearly exploded with amazement when I saw that such an awesome shirt existed! That contest will be over at the end of the month if you’d still like to enter.

I can’t say I have any parting gifts to be announced by Johnny Gilbert or anything, but all of the names and ideas were very creative and made me laugh. If I had enough resources (money) you’d all get prize packs and then I can also save my house from being foreclosed on and having Troy’s father build a golf course over it. Trash the Goondocks.

Here’s some of the best entries:

Pitricia submitted by Richard

Obnoxia Grimm or get different chicks and number them after their TPK exits – submitted by Sal

Pike-slut Penny, The Jersey Swirl, Waxed Winona, Road Rash Roxy, Barbie Beefeater, Sin Sational, Janet “Slow Hand ” Jones, Siena Swallows, Sexy’s Squeeze, Connie Lingus, TeaBag Terry, Lolly Gagger – submitted by John from N.J

Felony Turnpike, Camden Bristol, or just…Jersey – submitted by Joe Sherlock aka Dr. Squid http://www.drsquid.net/ http://fandcproductions.blogspot.com/

Josey T. Urnpike submitted by Ace Johnson

There were several more but these were some of the most memorable. Based on creativity, number of ideas, and sheer determination of the contestant, the Monstrous Prize Pack goes to…

John from N.J! Congratulations! Thanks for being a part of The Sexy Armpit!

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The Sexy Armpit Turns 4!

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At the 11th hour, on the 11th day of the 11th month (there’s that number again!) World War 1 came to an end. 11/11 is now celebrated as Veterans Day, and in a completely unrelated coincidence…The Sexy Armpit’s birthday! Woooo-hoooo! The Big 0-4! I’ve taken the liberty to have Chef Allen of the Royal Palace whip up a special treat for all of us to enjoy. I figured it would help us celebrate such a momentous occasion!  

Jay: Yo, Chef Allen! Why don’t you have your guys roll that big mofo out here…

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King Randor: Um, Jay?
Jay: Yes, King Randor?
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King Randor: Don’t you think this ridiculously sized cake is a little much for only a 4 year anniversary?
Jay: Awww yeah! That’s the way we do it sucka! Hey Adora…are you impressed by it’s size? They say the size of a man’s cake is an indication of…
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Jay: WTF? 
(all of a sudden there’s a blinding flash of light and a cool beaming sound effect)
Holy Shit! What the hell was that? Damn, I was just trying to enjoy The Sexy Armpit’s 4-year anniversary and you had to make it an exploding cake didn’t you Chef Allen? You mutha-
 

Jay: DID SKELETOR AND HORDAK JUST JUMP OUT OF MY CAKE? Oh man, I can’t think of a better present, thank you all so much! They were my favorites growing up. Hey guys…when’s your little strip dance? You are here for that aren’t you? That’s usually what happens when people pop out of a cake, especially gigantic pink frilly ones! Now I think you’re obligated, you owe it to these fine people. You can’t let them down now! At least Kobra Khan cause he’s probably got some trouser snake…umm, OK…I guess I’ll shut up now…

…gulp…
Hey Hordak, I bet you’re going to spray confetti or party streamers out of that thing right? Maybe bubbles or something to that effect? That’s such a nice gesture, you fellas are tops!
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Upstate Farms Intense Mint Chip and Orange Scream Milk

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I don’t scream for ice cream, I sort of give a half-assed whimper. Considering all the junk food and candy that I talk about here at the Armpit, I’m actually not a big fan dessert or candy. If I have to choose a dessert, I enjoy simple stuff like milk and cookies. Not surprisingly, chocolate chip cookies are one of my favorites, and if they’re homemade I like them even more. But when you’re dealing with a strange guy like me, it can never be that easy. Milk and cookies aren’t much work to whip up, but not in my case. I like my chocolate chip cookies homemade, and WITHOUT the chocolate chips! To me they just interfere with my favorite part of the cookie.

Amongst my profusion of hangups, quirks, and pet peeves, I also loathe the chips of chocolate in Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream. The funny part is, I’m not a chocolate hater, it’s just that the chips ultimately get in the way of my enjoyment of the dessert. The chips in mint chocolate chip ice cream always get stuck in my teeth and it’s super annoying. I’d like to enjoy the chocolate but I can’t because it makes a pit stop in my molars and doesn’t come out until I brush my teeth. If I could just get the pastel green mint ice cream sans the chocolate chips, I’d be a pig in shit. The only way I could take it to the next level is if I had mint (remember: no chocolate chips) in “soft ice cream” form rather than “hard.” 
When I was a kid I remember telling my sister that I liked letting my ice cream turn into “soup.” Once my ice cream liquefied I would just drink it right out of the bowl. Drinkable ice cream was my favorite, and still is. I even like to let my ICEE’s and Slurpee’s melt so I could get the prime flavor of the syrup without the minuscule ice pellets getting in the way and freezing my brain. To sum up what you’ve just read: I like my Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream melted and without chocolate chips in it.

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On my weekly trip to Wegman’s, I was waiting in line to check out but got distracted by a plastic bottle of green liquid in a refrigerated section near the exit. Wegman’s has an extra dairy section at the front of the store for convenience, in case you don’t feel like running all the way to the back of the store just to grab a gallon of milk. I grabbed the “Intense” Mint Chip flavor by Upstate Farms immediately as if I was the only person who knew this treasure was on the shelf! 

Aside from name dropping their own brand name about 62 times, (Intense!) the label on the back of the bottle describes the drink as “…a creamy and indulgent drink…” Then the label goes on to say “This is the drink of choice for the mint chip ice cream lover on the go.” It’s fairly awesome that they’re actually marketing a drink to a group of people known as “mint chip ice cream lovers.” I never realized I was part of that demographic, but I like it! The Intense Mint Chip contains the typical benefits of milk such as vitamins and protein, but unfortunately has 35 MG’s of cholesterol in case you’d rather not have a heart attack.

Intense Mint Chip is the type of drink you want to sip on a crisp moonlit night while you’re rolling down the highway as the street lights are streaking past you like your in light speed and the stereo is blasting Laura Branigan’s “Self Control.” It doesn’t matter that you’re sipping milk…you still feel really cool. Trust me.

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Considering how exalted the Mint Chip flavor is, the Orange Scream can’t come close to its greatness. Think of the Intense Orange Scream as the sub par sequel, or the redheaded stepchild of the Intense milk family. Upstate Farms falls short with their Orange Scream, which is yet another failed attempt at creating the classic orange cream flavor. (Sunkist also failed recently with their miserable orange cream float.) One of the major strikes against Orange Scream is that it substitutes what’s supposed to be a nondescript “cream” flavor for a strong vanilla flavor. The cream shouldn’t necessarily be defined as “vanilla” because then it has the chance to overpower the orange flavor. The vanilla flavor may be forgiven if it isn’t a true “vanilla bean” flavor since a regular “no frills” vanilla would work better. There’s an exact balance of orange and cream flavor that needs to be perfected to achieve orange cream paradise. On a positive note, unlike the mint chip, the orange scream is creamy yet still low fat. Its label is pretty exciting or should I say…INTENSE! Even though I didn’t enjoy their Orange Scream formula, I have to hand it to Upstate Farms just for their sheer variety of offerings such as Chocolate, Strawberry, Vanilla, Cookies and Cream, and Mocha Java. Now all us Star Wars fans need is an “Intense Blue: A New Hope Special Edition Milk.” I hear it’s going to be high in midichlorians. Come on, where’s the freakin marketing people now? Can I get some kickbacks for that?

www.SexyArmpit.com