Movie Review: Don’t Go To Sleep

“Don’t Go To Sleep” (1982) is a pretty cheesy made for TV thriller that conjures up all kinds of great memories for me. When I was a kid I would watch ANYTHING that was promoted as remotely frightening. As a kid from suburbia there wasn’t much excitement going on so basing my entire night around a movie that was showing on TV wasn’t unheard of. Luckily my big sis was usually as motivated as I was to watch something scary so it made it more fun. Don’t get me wrong I was completely obsessed with horror icons from Frankenstein to Freddy, but I took what I could get if my mother hadn’t taken me to the video store to rent a tape that weekend. Local stations like WPIX 11 and others would show horror movies all throughout October. (See Matt at X-E for a great article on this) Other times even when it wasn’t “Shocktober” they would have Saturday Night Cinema or something to that effect. As a kid television played a much bigger role for me as “must see TV” than it did at any other point in my life. Damn, my whole family gathered for shows and movies and even Married With Children!

It was time for my sister and I to check out this thriller they were promoting for a week. Don’t Go To Sleep starred Valerie Harper who many know from Rhoda and Valerie’s Family and Ruth Gordon from Rosemary’s Baby. The synopsis goes like this: After the death of one of their daughters, Jennifer, a family moves into a new home (what was the house #? = 13666, I swear!) now joined by Valerie’s cranky mother. We’re not seeing gory blood and guts or SFX monsters here, this one’s all psychological. It’s cliche’s galore including bad dreams, shadows, moving dolls, and sinister voices. In her dreams, Valerie’s (I’ll call her Valerie from now on) daughter Mary is haunted by her sister that was killed in a car accident. Her dreams continue and she’s even caught talking out loud to her. Mary’s parents send her to a psychiatrist to see if they could stop these dreams. The shrink doesn’t do much good because Mary’s certified nutso and her dead sister Jennifer is basically telling her to eradicate the entire family.

To get revenge on her grandmother for loving Jennifer more than her, Mary steals her brother Kevin’s iguana Ed. We then see the the camera follow Ed and it looks as if it’s floating, but we know it’s being carried by Mary. She then puts Ed under grandmother’s sheets as she’s sleeping. As she wakes up, poor Ruth Gordon was literally scared to DEATH! It was now time to get rid of that imp Kevin. While playing a fun, non-threatening, opposite of murdering someone game of Frisbee, Mary “accidentally” threw the Frisbee with so much force that it landed on top of the roof near Mary’s window. Oops! Kevin, trying to be the macho, zabkaesque hot-shot of the family didn’t want to wait for dad to get home to get it so he climbs up on the roof himself. Next thing you know the windows mysteriously open up while Kevin’s standing up there and he loses his balance causing him to plummet to his death. Now, Jennifer, the grandmother, and Kevin are all dead. Then, in possibly the creepiest scene in the film that has nothing to do with horror, Mary is in the bathroom while her father is drinking martinis in the bathtub! Yes, you read that correctly. The father (Dennis Weaver) couldn’t hear the ballgame over Mary’s blow dryer so she moves it closer to the tub filled with water. Who can guess what happens next? Mary pushes the radio into the bathtub and electrocutes poor ol‘ Dad who works hard so they can live in a nice huuuge house and have nice things. That ungrateful little bitch! At the very least she could’ve let the man hear the end of his ballgame!

What this movie is really known for is Mary’s attempt on her mother Valerie’s life. It is by no means an average attempt at murder. Mary wigs out and ravages the pizza that was ordered with a pizza cutter. Did Mary get a chance to have a slice or did she just leave it to get cold? Obviously the director didn’t think that was important because the camera then follows the pizza cutter as if the utensil was floating up the stairs and rolling it’s blade on the railing. Clearly the pizza cutter had a mind of it’s own. They loved that shot! What do you expect from a movie co-produced by Aaron Spelling? Back to the pulse pounding conclusion: Trying to call 911, Valerie was mortified to find her daughter holding…A PIZZA CUTTER. The line was disconnected because Mary cut the phone line! The havoc this Mary has wreaked merely with a pizza cutter! Can we send her over to the middle east with that pizza cutter? No one would even try fucking with her!

I’ll leave the rest to you since I know I’ve scared you out of your gourds already. That’s enough scary for one night. I don’t want to send you into cardiac arrest. If this masterpiece doesn’t make it’s way to your must see list I don’t know what will! haha. I must say that there are some decently frightening scenes but you won’t be disappointed in the eerie final scene. Check it out and you’ll see why Valerie shrieks and possibly soils the bed.

Elvis Reese’s and Jeff’s Orange Dream Soda

During this spooky time of year I feel right at home having a blog. When I check out all of my favorite blogs and websites many of them such as X-Entertainment and Brandedinthe80s.com feature countdowns where most of the posts throughout the month of October are Halloween related. This kicks alot of ass if you’re a fan of the holiday which I most definitely am. I’ve always been a huge fan of horror movies and thrillers and I’ve already started playing the Halloween playlist on my iPod which I spend all year tweaking because I’m a super geek. Unfortunately I’m not writing this to inform you that I’ll have a Halloween related post every day this month, but I’ll do my best. First you’ll notice that I’ve changed the header on the site. This is a classic scene from one of my favorite movies of all time, Ghostbusters. I don’t consider it a “Halloween” movie but Slimer and The Sexy Armpit are “perfect together.”

I usually associate the color orange with Halloween, most likely because of Pumpkins. So here we’ll take a look at 2 products that I’ve had within the last week or so that had orange packaging. I don’t care that they have nothing to do with Halloween, just go with it ok?

First we’ll take a look at the candy category with the limited edition Elvis Reese’s Peanut Butter and Banana Cups. A few months back I was really excited to hear that these were coming out. When my girl finally found them by chance at the local Wal-Mart I immediately tore into them. The miniature size had an effect on the taste because the difference in taste is obvious when you bight into a regular size peanut butter cup from a 2-pack. I think the peanut butter’s flavor and consistency tastes completley different than the miniature versions. Only the bottom of the cups have a banana flavor which wasn’t anything to write home about. It would’ve been better if they eliminated the chocolate altogether from these limited editions. Reese’s PB covered in all banana would’ve been a winner since it’s a more definitive flavor. Elvis didn’t have chocolate on his Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwiches so why’d they mess with a good thing?

The second product we’ll take a look at is Jeff’s New York Egg Cream in it’s special Orange Dream flavor. This is a creamy style soda that tastes like a Creamsicle. If you’ve never tasted an Egg Cream you’re really missing out. If you’re lactose intolerant then I feel sorry for you because these sodas are so unbelievably delicious. Jeff’s egg creams precisely replicates these old school sodas. If an “Egg Cream” sounds disgusting, it really isn’t since according to Wikipedia, they don’t contain egg or cream and they were basically described as a “poor man’s ice cream soda.Think Seltzer mixed with orange and vanilla cream and you have Jeff’s Orange Dream. I’ve also been a big fan of their plain vanilla flavor as well.

Fruit Snacks Freakout: Shark Bites!

Until recently it never occurred to me just how huge of a hit fruit snacks became when I was a kid. There are more varieties and movie tie-ins than ever before but the fruit snack boom seemed to have happened in the ‘80s. There were a few types of fruit snacks that I still yearn for today.

Today the chewy, gummy bear-type fruit snack has flooded the marketplace. It’s rare to find my all time favorite fruit snack that wasn’t gummyish at all. It was the type that you would smoosh down onto the tip of your finger to make it look like you had long nails (don’t ask). They were in the shape of a half circle and I’m pretty sure they were made by Sunkist (Fruit Wrinkles I believe?). Cherry and Grape were the best since they actually tasted like their fruit counterparts. I haven’t found them in stores unless I‘m not looking hard enough.

Following a close second would be the formidable Shark Bites Fruit Snacks. They were in the shape of various sharks. Just a few months ago I performed many strategic Google searches to find as much information as I possibly can about these luscious streamlined snacks. With all the nostalgia sites available to scour, I still had a hard time finding anything on Shark Bites. Surprisingly there wasn’t too much out there but I did find a few blog comments, including one of mine here. It seemed that Shark Bites were discontinued and I didn’t see them making a comeback, especially since there was no petition page in the Google search that said “Bring Shark Bites Back!”

All it took was going to several different stores and I wound up doing the berzerker attack in the aisles of Shop-Rite when I saw them staring at me from the very bottom shelf where all bastard fruit snacks go when they are too badass and anti-social to be with the rest of the faggety fruit snacks. They still exist! I bought 2 boxes, not one. You never know when the government might deem Sharks too scary for kids and too fierce to be a frickin’ fruit snack. I’m serious! You never know when they’ll pull some dumb shit like that. I rationalize having shark bites as getting back at these creatures for all the years of attacks and scaring the crap out of us after Jaws. None of us could go in our own pools! Damn you Great White! Ahh yes, the Great White is in the pouch…in all of his non-artificially colored glory. Just for that it was well worth the hunt. The commercials would make it seem like it was a rare event when you got the Great White. When I ripped into my first bag I was immediately catapulted back to when I was a kid during lunch time.

Finally, the one fruit snack I can’t dig up much of anything on are the ones that were shaped like fighter planes. If you were lucky, instead of getting the Great White Shark, you got the sleek, black Stealth Fighter in the pouch. I can’t remember the name of these, but they kicked a lot of ass too.

*Update – the fighter plane version was called THUNDER JETS FRUIT SNACKS! Hooray!

Gross Observations #1

Allow me to introduce you to a new column here on TheSexyArmpit.com. It’s one I’ve been waiting to unveil and now I finally can. It’s a post where I can shoot off all of my random ponderings from the outright stupid to the strange and bizarre. I hope you enjoy it.

Why does it seem that girls always love bread?

Have you ever been watching a movie that had lightning and thunder in it and the weather outside is the same and you can’t differentiate which one is real?

I’d like to establish a museum of artifacts and set pieces from Kristy Swanson’s catalog of films, known as the Swansonian. The first additions will be the bra she wore in Zebra Lounge, and her cheerleader uniform from Buffy.

If you’re egotistical and a huge fan of Lo-mein…does that make you a MegaLoMeiniac?

Ever since I started driving, if I’m on the parkway or turnpike and I pass and exit or an overhead sign I pretend that they’re checkpoints and I’m in the Sega game OUT RUN.

When I was in elementary school there was a game we played in computer class on the Macintosh where you solved math problems and each time you got one right you got to add another part to an alien you were building. It was pretty radical. I can’t remember the name of it though…anyone know it?
I was heading to the mall not to long ago and I had to walk through Macy’s to get there. While walking through there I heard a techno remix version of “I Can’t Go For That” by Hall and Oates! Is there anything that isn’t sacred nowadays? Every song gets a pulsing bassline put behind it and it becomes a club banger. What’s happened to the world? Next thing you know the National Anthem will have a club mix. Shit please don’t get any ideas!

If a crazy person begins to go insane while using dental floss would it be proper to call it mental floss? If so, then a Dental institution a place to house for crazy insane dentists?

If Sara Lee made “Ass flavored pie” and you actually wanted some…you’d say “Can I have a piece of ass?”

A memory only exists in the human mind, right? So this very second isn’t even really happening at all because by definition this very second is stored as a memory and therefore only exists in our minds.

I got weirded out the other day. As I was driving home I passed the local gun shop and I saw 2 attractive but fidgety girls walk in. Nothing sexist, but I couldn’t help but wonder about it. You don’t always see attractive girls go into gun shops. I’m not saying that they were buying firearms to shoot their cheating boyfriend or anything but I’m not going to say they weren’t. I don’t see alot of attractive girls going skeet shooting or anyone for that matter.

I’m always eating poppy seed bagels and so many people comment that poppy seeds don’t have a taste…and I totally think they do.

People who say “expecially” instead of especially piss me off.

Too many girls paint their eyebrows on.

You must’ve heard people say “THEY don’t make ’em like THEY used to.” Who are THEY? I’d like to visit the place where they DO make them like they used to. If I go there I wonder if they’ll rebut and say “Hey WE DO make them like we used to dammit!” Maybe they live on Planet Pronoun one of the planets that hasn’t been discovered yet. It’s a glorious place where cars and TV sets last 25 years. “THEY say it’s not good for you.” Over there, guess what? It’s all good for you! You can eat all the cheeseburgers you want but THEY also say it’s not O.K to use pronouns all the time.

Tomes and Talismans

For me, elementary school kicked ass. Besides being in a constant dream world at the time, I got introduced to alot of cool things. Much of this coolness was because of our librarian, Mrs. Gnadinger. Librarians are pretty much underrated as school personalities go. They don’t get much credit but in this case our librarian went above and beyond and genuinely enjoyed enlightening us.

Mrs. Gnadinger was an exciting storyteller and responsible for introducing me to books like Where the Wild Things Are, The Giving Tree, and The Polar Express. The combination of the many great children’s books that came out at that time and her excitement over reading them to us made for alot of fun. When she read these books she helped make them play out in our heads with ease. At that age most of us were fidgety and acted like we had A.D.D. but Mrs. Gnadinger made us all listen and snatched us up and brought us to another world.

 

Occasionally we would watch videos or films of the books that we were reading for that time period. One day during a library session around 1986 Ms. Gnadinger opened up a box in front of us that came in the mail for her. Judging by her glowing apperance I thought she might’ve recieved the Holy Grail or something. We were all curious.

 

She took out a VHS tape and popped it in the VCR. After the lowbudget apocalyptic Star Trek type intro the title Tomes & Talismans appeared on the screen. What followed was a serialized sci-fi fantasy about “Wipers,” a group of terrorists trying to wipe the knowledge from the people on earth. The swerve here was that the show incorporated library lessons on everything from the dewey decimal system all the way to microfiche. It even prominently featured a bookmobile. Remember those coming to school every once in a while?

 

When I was a kid I was fascinated by Tomes and Talismans and it stuck with me ever since. I went on a wild goose chase for years and finally got a hold of it through the actual cable station that produced it. To my dismay, after I got the videos in the mail, the entire series was already uploaded on You Tube! I never thought to check there. I could have saved some moolah but at least I have the entire set in my hands. Re-watching this series was a total timewarp. I must say, as bad as it was, it was actually enjoyable to relive. It’s sort of like watching old episodes of Today’s Special or Pinwheel. The nostalgia factor is definitely in full effect but the series did have some cheesy merit. If anyone saw this as a kid or if you were a fan of this show, please leave a comment! Those people who have ever heard about this show are few and far between.

Shittiest Songs of All Time

I’m undoubtedly going to piss some people off with this one. But what’s the sense of writing a blog if you can’t offend at least a few people, right? This entry compiles as many songs that I loathe as I could think of in no particular order. I’m sure there are a million more but who says I can’t do a Shittiest Songs part II? Please feel free to comment with songs that you can’t stand either. At that point I’m sure Diddy or some other rapper will sample all of them and have huge hits.

Hocus Pocus by Focus – I never even heard of this one until I worked as a D.J at a rock station. This has got to be the most annoying song of all time. Oh wait, I have 19 more. With lyrics you can’t even understand and even some yodeling thrown in there, this takes the cake for making you want to punch your stereo speakers in the groin. Dutch rock sucks and has always sucked. According to Wikipedia, Helloween and Iron Maiden covered this song. To have 2 of the most well respected metal bands ever giving this song props, it must have some merit i just can’t hear it.

Afternoon Delight by Starland Vocal Band – To believe this was a #1 hit in 1976 blows my mind. It’s amazing how much music has changed. A country artist Johnny Carver also had a hit with his cover of the song the same year. I’m am damn happy that I wasn’t around for that. What’s more surprising is the amount of TV shows and movies this song has been featured in. I have to admit that it’s cameo in Anchorman was classic. Back when I worked at the local movie theater it grated on my nerves every time the credits of Good Will Hunting rolled.

Down in the Boondocks by Billy Joe Royal – If you’ve ever walked around oh…say…the produce section of Shop Rite and you stop and realize that you’re head feels like exploding into pieces and your ears feel like there’s spiders crawling around in them it’s because they’re satellite radio is taking you back to 1965 with a ton of awful music including this one.
Frere Jacques – A song from my childhood that has always disgusted me. In school I never minded music class too much, especially during Halloween and Christmas. Except, this song was the one that I never wanted any part of for some reason.

From Wikipedia: It’s as if it was the devil’s song. Another piece of evidence
that appears to support a dark interpretation of this song is the fact that in
some places such as Austria, it was at one time commonly sung in a minor key, rather than a major key, giving the song the quality of a funeral dirge.

Also from Wikipedia: In this vein, some have suggested that this verse might not refer to sleep, but to the death of a friar or monk, or perhaps a member of one of the religious military orders. For example, it is widely believed in France that the renowned Frère Jacques de Molay of the Templar Knights, who was
executed in 1314, is the subject of the Frère Jacques song.

Fly by Night by Rush – I know I’m gonna get a ton of crap for this one. Admittedly, I was never a Rush fan, but that’s not to say that I don’t have a huge amount of respect for their longevity as well as their musical talent. It’s just that Geddy Lee’s voice is like nails on a chalkboard for me. He always struck me as a little guy who might’ve starred in a Lord of the Rings film. Even though I’m not a fan, this is really the only song from them that I can’t stand.
Black Horse and the Cherry Tree – KT Tunstall Did anyone ever hear of KT Tunstall before this song? I didn’t know what the hell a KT Tunstall was and then I realized she was a singer who was destined to make a song that would eventually be honored in my list of worst songs.
After the Gold Rush by Neil Young – I’d rather have my eyeballs removed with a corkscrew than listen to Neil Young. He’s in his most whiny form in this one.
Public Warning by Lady Sovereign – I had to sit through her performances twice after seeing her open for Gwen Stefani. They werent times in my life that I’d like to relive at any point. Sovereign is British girl who reminds you of a poor man’s sporty spice except with a more vulgar mouth. She’s trying to be a rapper and occasionally mix some punk in there also but it doesn’t work at all. Believe it or not, this piece of crap is actually one of the more catchy of her tunes but it’s still really bad.
Freebird by Lynrd Skynrd – This one’s expected since people generally love it or hate it. I’m definitely not a Skynrd fan but I’d rather listen to them than anyone else on this list.
Don’t drink the Water by Dave Matthews Band – For some people, Listening to the Dave Mathews band brings them utter joy. For me I’d rather be steamrolled over like Ricardo Montalban in the Naked Gun.
Amy Winehouse – Rehab I really can’t think of any song that’s more annoying. How come it’s so popular and doing well even thought every person I speak to wishes it never existed? The people making decisions on what should “make it big” should be beaten by Ivan Drago.
Some other horrid songs:
Leavin on a Jet Plane by The Mitchell Trio
The Snickers song ad campaign song: “Happy peanuts soar over chocolate covered mountaintops and waterfalls of caramel. Prancing nougat in a meadow sings a song of satisfaction to the world.”
Send me On My Way – Rusted Root
The Chicken Dance by Werner Thomas – DAMN YOU WERNER THOMAS!
I’ve Seen All Good People by Yes – What can I say, I’m not into prog rock.
Arms of an angel – Sarah Mclaughlin because it makes me feel like I might be dead. It’s so damn depressing. I’m not one of those people who confuses depressing with uplifting like every woman who watches Oprah.
Cotton Eyed Joe by the Rednex – This one had to make the list because for some reason it was played at every dance, or school function I ever attended. This has got to be worse on your ears than having a sabretooth tiger tear them off.
Also various songs by 3 Doors Down and Clay aiken.

What’s in a Blog Name?

It’s important to be honest with your audience. This is precisely why I’m going to share with you an idea that I’ve been wrestling with in my head for a while now. I’ve been torn as to whether or not I should change the name of this blog. It’s a month or so shy of being THREE years that I’ve owned and operated some form of TheSexyArmpit.com. As a guy who enjoys the peculiar and offensive, I thought it was a perfect name for the website that I was running. Following an egotistical name like “jayontherocks.com” I had to rebound with something original but not as focused on myself or my former radio career.

I’m pretty definite that I’m sick of explaining the meaning of “TheSexyArmpit.com.” Even though it’s always made perfect sense to me, people just don’t get it. Once I got smart and jumped on blogger, I wrote a quick synopsis in my profile. New Jersey or several towns in N.J have always been referred to as “The Armpit of America,” or “…of the Universe.” It just sounded funny to call a place that’s relentlessy dissed for being so filthy and grimy, SEXY!

Unfortunately ArmpitofAmerica.com was already taken. What the hell does that address link to anyway? NOTHING GOOD THAT’S FO SHO!! I could have done so much more damage with that name. I would’ve been inducted to the blogging hall of fame, I would’ve had rip away shirts with the name on it, I would’ve thrown frisbees out to the crowd with blog entries printed on them. In fact, ArmpitofAmerica’s satirical nature would’ve even tickled President Bush’s fancy and I would’ve already dined at the freakin’ White House wit ‘dem dare Bush folks. Now, of course, I will eat happily at White Castle instead of the White House. As you know there are many White Castles in the Armpit of America, that’s what’s so great about America. We can eat Burgers in a Castle in the middle of an Armpit. It’s pretty damn amazing. But when you have even your own father telling you to change the name of the blog, it kind of makes you wonder.

If you’ve read this far into the blog, I am basically in love with you regardless of your sex. As the British electro-pop icon extrordinaire D.J Shanks describes it “My small cult of underground fans.”

Rescued Marshmallows Swim to Freedom

If last weekend’s kitchen disaster was any indication, I can’t imagine what’s going to happen this weekend. Let’s recap. Saturday morning I was still on a high from seeing Halloween, and the sun was shining. I woke up and took a few half full cereal boxes out to see if I could make some room. I broke out some Crunchberries and a box of Franken Berry.

I really despise Frankenberry. I know, I know, its sacrilegious. It’s just one of those cereals that always enticed me in the store and when I actually bring them home and start eating them I wonder why I keep buying them every year. The same thing happens with Boo Berry except with a deeper level of abhorrence. I’m just mesmerized by the packaging and the art on the box. The characters from that particular General Mills line of cereals are the best but the taste of Count Chocula is the only one that actually lives up to it’s reputation.

Right now I’m just thinking of how cool it is that we have a classic line of cereal that’s based on monsters. I’m very character oriented and I appreciate silly advertising mascots such as the Burger King, Noid, and of course Mrs. Butterworth’s especially when she’s coming alive informing me of how thick she is and telling me that I should pour her on my waffles. Breakfast food mascots have always rocked and they were a major part of my childhood. But all praise aside I need to get back to bashing the awful Frankeberry. How can a cereal that looks so cool taste so horrible? I suppose it’s a bit suspect that even as a child I was attracted to a cereal that was pink. That can’t be the reason for it sucking so much because Strawberry Shortcake Cereal was undeniably the greatest cereal ever invented and it was awarded the medal of honor for cereals by God. After he tasted it he personally spat in Purple Pie Man’s face and said to him that if he didn’t rebut Strawberry Shortcake’s cereal supremacy with a grape version of his own then his Pie Tin Palace would be foreclosed on and the land would be used as a golf course. But that’s just particulars, I heard it was messy trial – Pie EVERYWHERE.

To conclude this bumper car crash of an entry, I wound up rummaging through the box of Frankeberry extracting every luscious dried marshmallow that was left in the box and dropping them into my happy bowl of Crunchberries. It was a sensational breakfast event for me. I broke all breakfast rules and had my awesome little marshmallows swim to freedom. This moment would only be trumped if I saw the return of one of the following:

1) Strawberry Shortcake Cereal
2) Oops! All Berries
2) Smurfberry Crunch
3) C3Po’s
4) E.T cereal
5) Pac-Man Cereal
6) Rocky Road Cereal

Apparently this site sells boxes of Cereal Marshmallows only…not Cereal with Marshmallows…just the cereal-style marshmallows in a box. That’s pretty awesome. Hmm…tomorrow’s pay day. Just Got Paid…Friday Night…Marshmallow Huntin‘…Feelin‘ Right.

Film Review: Rob Zombie’s Halloween

I thought Rob Zombie might have overplayed his hand. Halloween hit theaters today and I was excited and intrigued by getting the chance to learn about Michael Myers back-story. Was the decision to delve into this killers past too risky? Would giving away too much of his early life make him less scary? At first, I thought it might have taken away from the big question mark that was Michael Myers. After all, Myer’s largely undefined past helps make him the ominous character he is. In this film it’s the realism of the character that makes him terrifying.

As I watched the plot develop it made so much sense when I understood where director Rob Zombie decided to go with the character. You may be a little bewildered by the mannerisms and unmanly behavior on the young Myers because he’s a character we know to be such a monster. All I can say is…have some patience. Early in the film we get to see so much striking footage of a young and messed up Michael Myers. I don’t want to give too much away, but he does some deranged things as a child and winds up in the mental institution where he’s cared for by Dr. Loomis (Malcolm McDowell). Loomis starts out long haired and youthful and as the film progresses we see Loomis in a more modern sense. (On a side note I left the theater and hopped in my car, only to have a white van with the company name of LOOMIS slapped right on the side of it!) The film advances periodically by one year and 10 year increments and then to the present. I enjoyed the jumps as it added not only to the sense of the plot but also the pacing.

Zombie used his “starting lineup.” You’ll see everyone from Sid Haig to Police Academy’s Sgt. Debbie Callahan! Bill Moseley turns up again and there’s even a cameo from The Monkee’s Micky Dolenz! Zombie’s wife Sherri Moon, who’s not playing Baby Firefly this time, turns in a potent performance as Michael Myers mother. For the past few months I’ve also been anticipating seeing Danielle Harris since she played Jamie in Halloween 4 & 5. Harris plays Laurie’s friend Annie. Annie’s a hot little number who has the honor of uttering one of the best lines an actress can ever say…“Ya wanna fuck me?” Harris’ delivery of that line will be ingrained in my head forever now. What is it with Zombie’s stuff that sticks in my head? I always have Baby’s line from House of 1,000 Corpses in my head: “You know we like to get fucked up?” And in White Zombie’s Thunderkiss ‘65 “I never try anything, I just do it. Want to try me?” Don’t be surprised if Harris’ “Ya wanna fuck me” sound byte turns up in one of Zombie’s songs. Hell I’d purposely write a song just as an excuse to use that sound byte. Ahh, Harris was such an innocent little girl. Now she’s topless and skanking it up for the majority of her performance. I love it. My one gripe is that all of the rumors lead me to believe that Sheri Moon was going to get naked but it didn’t happen. She does a stripping scene so I’m assuming there’s going to be an unrated DVD coming out with that scene extended for horn dogs like me. I had to settle for all the rest of the girls getting naked. It wasn’t so bad.

One of my favorite scenes that I think you should look out for is when Laurie and her friends are discussing the babysitting plan in order for Annie to be able to see her boyfriend. At that point Laurie sees Michael Myers standing by a tree staring at them for a moment. This scene is very reminiscent of a scene in the original film. Very creepy. Not to sound cliché but the finale is pretty damn pulse pounding. I was genuinely on the edge of my seat. Zombie did a fantastic job at reinventing Myers as a scary dude again.
If you didn’t enjoy House of 1,000 Corpses or The Devil’s Rejects and you’re worried about Zombie slashing the Halloween franchise to pieces don’t be scared! Zombie superbly captures the essence of the Halloween series while making it relevant again. The only thing I dread more than hiding from Michael Myers in an abandoned house is the thought of what producers are going to do with the franchise next. Zombie claims that he will not be part of any sequel or continuation, so this is a one time thing for him. Other horror films like Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Omen have been “re-imagined” but there’s no comparison. This version of Halloween is freakin’ phenomenal.