Earring Discrimination

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I was firing everyone up in the “office” yesterday with my Farrakhan-like rant. But it wasn’t about anything religous. It was about guys being aloud to wear earrings in the workplace. I was told that I couldn’t wear earrings to work and I think it’s bullshit. My point is that all the women are aloud to wear them. Gay guys are aloud to wear them. Somehow, I can’t get away with it.

It’s not like I wear big-ass pirate earrings or big round circles seperating my earlobes. I wear f’n normal earrings. I don’t have the top or sides of my ears pierced, only the lobes. I made a big contraversey about it. Everyone seemed to agree. But that may only be because there was fire and brimstone swirling around me as the veins bulged out of my neck and head. What would be the difference if a women felt like dressing in a man’s clothes for the day? People might talk about her, but I doubt they would tell her to never wear men’s clothes again. Bitches can get away with anything. I guess if you complain enough that you don’t have any rights then you get all the rights and then some. I can’t even wear earrings and I think that is sexist.

Regardless of looking professional it’s obvious that if a woman can wear earrings then a man should be able to as well. Earrings on a guy is not like makeup on a guy. If I came in with eyeliner and lipstick, then it would prove to be a distraction and I think it would be necessary for the bosses to tell me to shape up. But earrings? Guys have been wearing earrings for the entire time I’ve lived on the planet. (Not to mention the pirate times of course)

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A bird shit on my jalopy

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First- My word of the week: JALOPY

You know that some car company is gonna come out with one. Some sarcastic car company will
use it in their “too clever for words” advertising scheme. I could see a company using against another. Why go out and buy the ’06 Buick Jalopy when you can afford a trendy new Infinity XG88TK421 special edition model that starts only at around $147,000. Jalopy is a cool mf’n word.

What a resounding response frome the G-String Blog!
Not only were those responses plenty but great in substance. It makes a man proud! I’m realizing that many girls I’ve asked actually have them and wear them alot. I guess some of the girls that I have been in contact with just didn’t seem to wear them and many said they were uncomfortable/annoying. I still think it’s open to debate.

A week or two ago I was about to get my clothes on for work. I put my pants on and realized that the button above the zipper was gone. This is an instance where I was in a state of total disbelief. These few moments were full of worry, anger, and skepticism. It’s funny how for those few seconds my mind was saying “This can’t possibly happen.” I was focusing more on the fact that a button has never came off any pair of pants that I’ve owned EVER. So I figured the chances of this happening were slim. I was wrong. My mind was in shock as to why nature would do something this cruel to me as I was about to leave for work. I was unprepared for an event of such diabolical proportions. What if I didn’t have another pair of pants on hand? What if I had a pair and they weren’t cleaned? I’d be up the creek. I would need to go to the pants store. Honestly, how many times have you slipped into your old ratty jeans that you’ve had for a million years only to notice that the button was missing? That never happens. I have a better chance of being sprayed by a skunk while jogging in a lime green spandex jumpsuit and listening to “Escape (The Pina Colada Song)” by Rupert Holmes on my Ipod. That shit never comes up on shuffle mode.

—-I forgot to mention this. I figured I’d throw it in like a DVD special feature. Christmas morning I was getting gifts out of my car in my girlfriend’s driveway and after I pulled a bag out and a few packages I turned my head for a second and heard SPLAT! I looked back at my car and there was HUGE dumping of bird shit on my car window. I have never been so close to a bird shitting site ever. It always seems so distant. I was so close to being shit on by a bird. This bird must have been to China Buffet before he pinched that one out. My God. Thankfully it didn’t get on me or I would cry like a little girl and then throw myself in the creek and roll around until I drowned myself. That is another thing – how come almost everyone I know has been shit on by a bird? Guys and girls that I’ve spoken to claim that it’s happened to them. WTF? I’m not saying I want to join the bird shittees club or anything but I do feel that perhaps what they say is right. “IT’S GOOD LUCK.” How many times have I heard that? Is that just them rationalizing their horribly gross experience? Who knows. All I know is that I’m going to the bathroom to vomit right now. No no…I’ll hold it in and then when I see a bird outside I’ll blow my chunks all over it. How would they like it? Dumb birds.

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The Case of the Perplexing G-String

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This one is “just a quickie” (no pun intended) Yeah right, that is impossible. As I sit in front of the computer I have a tissue stuck up my nose and I’m smoking my fake cigarette. This has been perplexing me for a while now so I needed to get in the mood. Since I started school this past semester in September of ’05 and ended a couple of weeks ago, I realized something about the girls at Kean. There seem to be many girls on that campus who wear G-Strings. I would sit in class and certain girls would waltz in and sit down in the rows in front of me and as they sat down I couldn’t help but see their backside where their G-strings would rise out of their pants and way up to their lower back. These weren’t normal G-Strings either. These had rhinestones, some had frilly doily patterns. Where the hell have I been? Personally, I’ve never been with a girl sexually who ever wore a G-string in my prescence.

I find this contradictory to what I had previously believed. I was under the impression that the majority of girls especially those in college wore THONGS. Am I living in the past? Are the days of Sisquo gone? To be honest – HBO comes to mind…”G-String Divas.” Is this show still on? Do they still make new episodes? I have never even seen it, I just know that they always used to show commercials for it relentlessly. Do you think that this show has anything to do with the upsurge in G-String wearing? Obviously our TV habits have an effect on our lifestyle. But I’m not sure in this case.

TO THE FEMALES READING THIS:

DO YOU OWN A G-STRING?

WOULD YOU WEAR IT ON A NORMAL DAY TO CLASS?

Would you wear it on an everyday basis? Like going to the bank? Is this a little odd? This may be a small percentage of girls. Perhaps I’m losing touch with the youth. After all, girls are having sex waay early at like…age 8 now. Personally, I just think a thong or regular underwear is fine young or old. I think jumping to the G-String definitely means SEX. Once you have that on you are hiking it up a few octaves. I just don’t think its necessary especially when a few of the G-Strings in question were seen popping up from girls jeans. Why do you need to wear one with jeans? I can see if it was a tight skirt, dress, spandex pants…whatever. I can see if you are on a beach in Brazil and everyone has one on. I can see you wearing one if you are Paul Stanley. I can see you wearing one if your butt crack needs a good flossing.

I just don’t know that if I was a girl if I would wear one to a school or work environment unless there was a reason. I can see if you are trying to turn on a co-worker or boss. I can see it if you slept at a boyfriends house and you dressed really sexy for him and then you realized you were late for class and had no time to put regular underwear on or even a thong then you just hightailed it to Kean for your Global History of Skankiness 101 class that you never study for cause you’ve aced all the tests. Maybe it’s extra points for the G-String. I sometimes sat there believing that these girls had a pole in their house and they would wake up twirl around it a few times in their G-String and slide down it and then once they hit the botttom floor their clothes would miraculously appear on them like Batman in the 60’s TV series. They slid down as Bruce and Dick (that sounded so dirty) and then appeared in the Batcave at the end of their poles (dirty again) as Batman and Robin. Frankly that was amazing. Who gives a fuck about G-Strings. I want a fucking Batpole so I don’t have to actually get changed in the morning. And what the hell does the G stand for in G-String? Am I missing something? Gyno? Gash?

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We’re sold out of Mir, sir…

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Did u realize that the word “old” is in the word “mold?” That is awesome. I was enthralled when I realized it. It came to me after I told my Dad not to eat a sub that has been in the refrigerator for several weeks. Personally I can’t eat things once they are past a week or two. Also – F Kean University. Had to get that in because they have morons who work there.
***
People need to stop going to malls and stores and go the fuck home and be with their families. Christmas happens once a year and they will shop til the last minute. They will appreciate the moments for about an hour. If you waited til Christmas Eve to shop then you are fucking retarded. You can quote me on that. I will say it to your face. You back up traffic. You are annoying. You smell. Your breath stinks. You are cheap. You think the world revolves around you. You have no patience. You have an attitude. You have a dirty mouth. You have no respect. You can’t drive. I pretty much despise you all. If you waited til Christmas Eve to buy a nice gift for someone you love and you have no excuse then you SUCK!!! If you are destitute, unemployed, having a hard time in your life, or whatever…then it’s obvious you can’t do it. I get it. But who says you have to get the $400 dollar item? This world is way too into “things.” Hell, I love getting things too, but I like things that are free, like sex. Nah, seriously I would be happy with something small. It’s the people in your life that are important. And of course, Gwen Stefani. And www.TheSexyArmpit.com. And the fact that my friend Steve can draw. Because without him, we’d have no kick-ass online comic book.

But remember all you fuckers who are backing up traffic and cutting people’s throats for a toy like an Idog or an Ipod or whatever…This is is Jesus’ b-day so break out your fucking party hats, balloons, streamers, and we gotta big cake with a stripper popping out of later. Good Ol’ J.C is gonna be pumped this year. We got him a home theater system with surround sound for his cave. Last year we could only afford a GPS tracking system for his SAAB. Needless to say he was a little upset. He grants us things all year and we get him a fucking GPS for his car. The thing wound up conking out on him in only a few weeks. It was a damn good idea we got the service plan on that. Instead of Frankinscence and Mir buy the man something from your heart, give him a lapdance or something. What the hell IS Frankincense? Was it like ancient Frankenberry? If it was a breakfast cereal, I think they should have brought him something better like Crunchberries. From the internet: “Mir, described by Bishop Spong as Jewish deodorant.” It’s also known as a space station, a village in Russia, and it means Peace. Regardless of Mir being a spice or a scent or whatever, we’ll have to substitute that with a Glade Plug-in this year and he’ll have to like it. We’re not going all over town to find Mir on Christmas Eve. All the stores are probably gonna be sold out of it anyway. There’s tons of traffic and I doubt the stripper would even know how to incorporate “Mir” into her routine. Anyway – Happy Birthday big guy!!!

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A dumptruck driving through a Nitroglycerine Plant

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a few things…

School is over. F-school, F-all my classes

BON JOVI at CAA – amazing. As good as the Garden in November. They threw in some awesome songs that were unexpected. And how ’bout the shout out to WOODBRIDGE!! yeah baby.

A guy with a dumb mustache. At work the other day I literally couldn’t believe my eyes. This guy’s mustache was normal above his lip, but then on each side of his mouth it was made to look as thin as a string and it protruded out on each side of his face about 6 inches. I am not kidding! This might get lost in translation but you should have seen this douchbag. I wanted to punch him. I’m not even a violent person! What possesses people to grow dumb mustaches? I really want a reason. Especially from that ASS.

A gripe. Ever download illegally from Kazaa or Limewire? Of course you have. Here’s a funny one. How many times does a track spark your interest on there because it seems like an artist and song that you didn’t even know existed? Like Elton John singing “In Da Club” or some crap like that. I once saw C&C Music Factory doing “Rock and Roll All Night” No joke! Regardless, there are so many morons who mislabel tracks on there. Sometimes it’s awful because it will get you excited thinking it’s a rare track or something. It never is. I always see SAVE FERRIS as the artist when it’s usually another female fronted band like No Doubt. Are people living in the past? Save Ferris had ONE hit, and a minor one at that! A remake of “Come on Eileen!” Now apparently they are engraved in people’s memories. Do people think they are the only band with a female lead singer? What brings me to mentioning this is that I was listening to The Waitresses “Christmas Wrapping.” I was thinking of how their singer past away and how the surviving members could get the Save Ferris singer Monique Powell to be the new singer. Then it would prove all the little limewire fucks right. Or even better, Save Ferris could get back together and make a fucking CD of all the songs that the limewire fucks mistake for being them. SAVE FERRIS’ GREATEST HITS THAT AREN’T EVEN THEIRS BUT ARE NOW !!! Maybe even some Joan Jett, who knows?

And contrary to popular belief, Gwen Stefani is not pregnant with MY child…it is Gavin Rossdale’s – that bloke from BUSH…just to debunk the rumors…

Also, a few people have been asking me what “JAM” is…well that is all up to your wild sick perverted imaginations. And with Christmas cumming, you shouldn’t be thinking naughty thoughts because Santa won’t bring you anything!!!

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Jay’s Christmas Playlist 2005

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It’s been a while. School’s been kicking my ass. Finals are coming up next week. Can’t wait to be done with this semester. I have 3 finals to go! After my computer crashed AGAIN yesterday I am fuming, but I have my wonderful girlfriend and my f’n amazing collection of Christmas songs to ease my sorrow. If you’re sick of hearing Mariah Carey’s All I want for Christmas is Poo, then here is my guide to Holiday Audio Enjoyment. With the YULE LOGS getting bigger and bigger with each passing day I figured I would mention a few Christmas songs that I HIGHLY recommend downloading these “podtastic” songs if you already don’t own them:

Things I Want by Sum 41 & Tenacious D
Christmas Is All Around Us – Love Actually soundtrack
Yellin’ At the Christmas Tree – Billy Idol
Back Door Santa – Bon Jovi
This Christmas – Christina Aguilera
I Wanna Rock You Hard This Christmas – The Dan Band (Old School)
Father Christmas – Lit
R2 D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas – Meco
Oi To The World – NO DOUBT
Punk Rock Christmas – The Ravers
My Christmas List – Simple Plan
Rockin’ Christmas Time – 40 Foot Ringo
Mele Kalikimaka – Bing Crosby
Merry Christmas – Marvelous 3
Christmas Vacation – Mavis Staples
Merry Christmas Everybody – Rooney
Last Christmas – George Michael
The Phil Spector Album
Merry Christmas Baby – Springsteen
Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow! – Dean Martin
Wonderful Christmastime – Paul McCartney
Christmas Wrapping – The Waitresses
Christmas in Hollis – Run DMC
and one of my all time FAVORITES: All Alone On Christmas – Darlene Love – ONE OF THE BEST!!!
Merry Christmas and post any others that are your favorites or you think I should have listed!!! This is not a complete list by any means!

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Sunglass

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The following is something that has been bothering me for a long time. When I decide to buy a pair of sunglasses I go to “Sunglass Hut” in the mall. I’m always perplexed by the name of that store. Why is it called “Sunglass Hut?” It’s my belief that many pairs of any type of glasses including that of sunglasses would have an “es” on the end. In sum, I RE-NAME the store “SUNGLASSES HUT” in order to serve my grammatical needs. If they carried “Sunglass“, I highly doubt I would even think to shop there for a pair of sunglasses. For all I know, “Sunglass” could be something completely different from “Sunglasses.” They should go F themselves for having such a stupid name.

WORD OF THE DAY THAT SHOULD BE USED WAY MORE OFTEN: Rigamarole
Confused, rambling, or incoherent discourse; nonsense.
A complicated, petty set of procedures.

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Bathrooms Rock

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Lately when I sit on the toilet and take a crap, I am overwhelmed by a sense of appreciation for modern plumbing and bathrooms. Recently I was on the NJ transit train heading toward NY Penn Station. I had to pee really bad. I forgot that there was a bathroom on the train so I took the chance.

Even though if I would have peed myself it wouldnt have mattered cause it looked like a lot of the people on the train had done the same thing. Suddenly, my nostrils were struck by the foulest odor. It was impervious. I could not handle the odor. My mission was to urinate as fast as possible while trying not to inhale the mixture of all the previous visitors shit/fart/piss/puke smells. I peed while holding my shirt over my nose and avoiding making eye contact with all of the stuff that missed the aluminum bowl. I got more nauseated as my liquid fell into some sort of brownish orange goo that resided there. My regurgitation was really close to joining the rest of the crew to hang out. Luckily i was finished. I got the hell out of there.

It’s always funny when you come out of public bathroom and you think that the next person that goes in there is gonna think that YOU made the stench, or the mess. Not true. Always give them the benefit of the doubt. An example is the bathrooms at college. In between English classes I have to take leaks. I look down past my junk to the urinal and see on the sides of the bowl part – long ass pubes. WHO THE HELL are these morons whose pubes fall off and decide to perch themselves on the bowl of the urinal. Mind you that they dont fall in the water, its the part above it, like the ledge. Most important – we are in a technologically advanced 21st century…why do guys have huge bushes? Guys shouldnt have pubes that are as long as my middle finger. That is fucking disgusting. Shave your fucking bush down you fucking psychos. And stop yanking your pubes while using the urinal.

Finally, modern day bathrooms RULE. They are amazing. They are the “shit.” We don’t realize how good we have it. Ever use a Johnny on the spot? Or a Portosan? It’s like the outhouses people had in the old days. There was odors, flies, and other people’s excrement. Let’s be thankful that we can shit in a peaceful, nurturing environment. We even have spray to wipe out the odors. It’s grand.

So, it’s all good. Thank God for modern bathrooms, cause without them I wouldnt be able to laugh so much when my shit is too big to flush down the shoot. It acts like its holding on for dear life, fighting the supreme suction. It just does not want to get devoured by the abyss. I don’t blame the shit. The shit finally gets out into the open and then gets sucked away. Shit doesnt have a very long life. It’s kinda like Boba Fett and the great Pit of Carkoon from Return of the Jedi.

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