Sludge Central

Honeymooning with Tomkat and Taco Bell Cuisine

Posted on November 19, 2006 by sexyarmpit

As Tom and Katie (I refuse to call them Tomkat) get ready for their honeymoon, I am getting ready to straighten up my room. It’s nowhere near as exciting as what they’ll probably be doing. Hell, maybe just to spice my day up I’ll hop up on my bed and start clenching my fists in a manner of sheer joy. I’ll pretend I’m on a talk show and I need to let everyone know how happy I am that I have to do laundry and organize all the shit in my room. That’s reason to celebrate.

Last night I had Taco Bell for dinner. And NO, I didn’t “run for the border,” I just went to Taco Bell. I’m sure Tomkat (ok, it’s easier) would laugh at the fact that a peon like me would eat trash like Taco Bell for a meal. I’ll tell you something, it was really fucking good. It was abnormally good as a matter of fact. I had a chalupa and bunch of other nonsense. What brought it all together was the Mountain Dew Baja Blast. I’ve had this many times before but this time it was so refreshing and I’m not sure why it seemed so much better. It tingled my senses. I hope I don’t get addicted to Taco Bell because then I’ll get fat and I’ll need to start going to Subway to lose weight.

What NOT to EAT for Breakfast at ANY time especially when you’re at WORK!!!

Posted on November 18, 2006 by sexyarmpit

Yesterday at work we clearly established that there is one food that you should NEVER eat for breakfast. It’s gone unsaid until now, but it’s a food that is not considered a breakfast food by any means. There’s never been Fish flavored Pop-Tarts, Fish flavored breakfast cereals, or Fish Frosty’s. Perhaps there may have been Fish danishes, I’m not sure. But to my knowledge no one eats it for breakfast nor has anyone ever attempted it, until now of course. As I sat checking my e-mail I noticed a peculiar odor wafting my way. Other people smelled it as well. Eventually our financial analyst, who was sitting in the back of the room, (almost as if she didn’t want anyone realizing what she was doing) admitted to eating leftover fish that she brought in for breakfast in a little tupperware. That’s where today’s story ends.

Please don’t eat fish for breakfast.

Pilgrimage to the store on the Black Friday before Survivor Series

Posted on November 17, 2006 by sexyarmpit

It’s pretty crazy that Thanksgiving is just about a week away. I know it’s been said a million times before but Thanksgiving is really just an afterthought. I feel bad for the Holiday. When I was a kid there was so much more meaning to Thanksgiving. It stood on its own more than it does now. It had more personality. Nowadays it seems that the capitalism and the Christmas holiday have stole some of Thanksgiving’s thunder. What a shame! I’ve been seeing Christmas commercials for weeks now. The day after Thanksgiving we are officially in the Christmas season, they won’t let you wait til you digest your freakin 20 lb. turkey! I remember the days of making pilgrim hats out of cardboard in school, and learning about crops that Native Americans cultivated, and of course WATCHING SURVIVOR SERIES!!!

Yes, the WWE (then WWF) and Thanksgiving used to go hand in hand. They had a steady relationship for many years when I was growing up. The Survivor Series was known as the “Thanksgiving Tradition.” It was pretty cool because none of the Pay Per View events were associated with a Holiday on a consistent basis. This gave us fans double the reason to look forward to November. To build up the excitement, each week they ran the Survivor Series Report which kept us updated on the card and what new matches would take place. The anticipation was ridiculous especially when you are young kid. It was so much fun to have the WWE event and the big family gathering to look forward to each year. They just don’t do it like they used to. This year Thanksgiving is on Thursday and Survivor Series isn’t until Sunday. I can’t stand that the PPV’s are on Sundays, I’d much rather Friday or Saturday. I guess they figure people are more apt to watch TV then go out on a Sunday night. Regardless, the Thanksgiving Holiday needs to MAN UP! I’m looking forward to the event either way.

Remember people – you have 24 hours on November 23rd to give thanks. Once it hits the 24th your window of opportunity to offer your thanks is done so make it count. If you really want to thank Beyonce for being your inspirational leader then by all means do so but don’t forget that if you keep wasting time thanking people you might not be able to make it to the stores on Black Friday at 3 AM for the crazy insane sales. Don’t be shutout.

I mean these savings are out of this world. Forget 3 AM, be there at midnight. You’ll get $3 DVD players and it’ll come with a free couch. You’ll wait on line for 7 hours and 2 people will get their hands on the coveted PS3 even though everyone on line had a ticket. Somewhere when you lost feeling in your face because of the frigid cold you missed the store associate yelling out that they only had 2 PS3 units to sell. Then of course you need to buy that new ironing board because they’re throwing in a free meat and cheese set and Aunty Helen really loves that shit. At one of the stores you can get an entertainment center with a free surround sound system AND they’ll pay off the rest of your mortgage. I hear even Quick Check and Hess Express are blowing out boxes of cigarettes for half off so you can stuff people’s stockings. This year the bigger stores are even setting up a ring in the middle of the stores so the customers can solve all of their fighting and bickering about who got the last dinosapien. Fran from Old Bridge said she had her pinky on the box before Lee-Ann from Staten Island ripped it from her clutches so little Giacomo can have a swell Christmas this year.
FRAN: “My son loves the robo dinasours, he’s crazy about them.”
Lee-Ann: “Fuck him, yaw a fuckin’ whooore… the DINOSAPIEN IS MINE BITCH, let’s solve this in the ring, matta a fact it’s now the fuckin’ Surviva Series.”
Fuck all these stores and the freaks that go out on Black Friday. Stay home and sleep you idiots!!!

SPECIAL EDITION: Dreaming of Death on 287

Posted on November 16, 2006 by sexyarmpit

Last night I had a dream where I died. It wasn’t the typical “death dream” where you see yourself in a coffin at your own funeral. In this one I was still living here on earth as a spirit watching over how the situations of my life were changing without me. It was morbid and bizarre, but strangely cool. Today I thought of reasons why I might have had this type of dream. I’m sure it’s possible that I’m looking for ways out of certain facets of my life. But it’s more probable that my daily commute on 287 is to blame.

I think I must have a death wish. It’s purely a miracle I’m still alive. When I’m in that big 287 in the sky, (which is actually known as 280-Heaven) I know for a fact I won’t be driving a PT Cruiser or a Taurus. I actually drove in front of a PT Cruiser today that was labeled TOURING EDITION? WTF makes it a “Touring Edition?” If I’m about to tour the great highways of the United States I sure as hell ain’t gonna be choosing a PT Cruiser Touring Edition for my ride and I don’t care how much you pimp it. I also won’t be picking the defunct Taurus which for some reason I’ve seen the occasional black souped up Ford Taurus driving on 287 as of late. I can’t fathom this. Perhaps you’ve inherited your grandfather’s old beat up Taurus and you wanted to be Xhibit for the day. You soup it up and slap a paint job on it, but the fact of the matter is: You’re driving around in a mid 90’s low ridin’ FORD TAURUS!!! Oh yeah I forgot to throw in the 2 most special letters to the owner, SE. Special Edition, bitch! They will not let you live down that they own a special edition vehicle because it makes THEM feel special. For instance this conversation that I had at work the other day:

JAY: So Wally, what kind of car are you driving around lately?
TAURUS OWNER: A fuckin’ pimped out 1992 Ford Muthafuckin’ Taurus yo…Special Edition!
JAY: Ohhh fuck here we go with the friggin’ Special Edition bullshit. Does your Taurus come with a ton of extras and a ‘making of’ documentary? You know what Wally? Go fuck yourself and your Special Edition cause I know some guy Gary who has a mad phat TOURING EDITION PT CRUISER!!! Top that you freakin’ whacko.
TAURUS OWNER: Oh daaaammmn son, I don’t think I can top it. That’s pretty fucking killer shit, yo. I heard they are super rare! They are like mad dough son! Something like 14 g’s! Even if I sold my sleek special edition ride, I doubt I would have that kinda scratch!

SO back to the matter at hand. Occasionally a song comes on the Ipod in my car that even I might get embarrassed of having. I always wondered if I was to die in a car accident on 287 what song would be playing? I hope for some reason that it’s not NKOTB, but Hangin’ Tough is pretty badass to die to. They really put me in a trance with that Funky song. In all seriousness, here is a list of songs from my Ipod that I wouldn’t want to die to because
with the Ipod’s shuffle feature you never know what’s gonna pop up next. Fate could play a cruel joke. You never know when Gwen Stefani will decide to become a New Jersey State Trooper patrolling 287. Think of how turned off she might be if she found me all bloodied with my car smashed up and the ipod/radio still intact blasting Debarge’s “Rhythm of the Night”?? I wouldn’t want her thoughts of me to be that of a pansy ass guy who has Johnny Gill’s “Rub You the Right Way” on his Ipod.

Songs that I hope aren’t playing on my ipod if I ever die in a car accident on 287:
Among others… in no specific order

1) Out for the Count – Winger
2) Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go – Wham!
3) The Hustle – Van McCoy
4) Burn in Hell – Twisted Sister
5) Escape (The Pina Colada Song) – Rupert Holmes
6) Dancing in Heaven – Q- Feel (From the Girl’s Just Want to Have Fun Soundtrack)
7) Point of No Return – Nu Shooz
8) I’ll be There – Jimi Jamison (the Baywatch theme)
9) Candy – Mandy Moore
10) She Works Hard for the Money – Donna Summer
11) Butterfly – Crazy Town
12) Kyrie – Mr. Mister
13) Good Vibrations – Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch
14) The Neutron Dance – The Pointer Sisters
15) According to Our New Arrivals (Mr. Belvedere Theme) – Leon Redbone

Which songs would you NOT want playing during your 287 demise?

The State of the Armpit

Posted on November 12, 2006 by sexyarmpit

Promises, Promises. I’m usually the kind of guy who won’t make a promise unless I can keep it. In this case it’s about the website “TheSexyArmpit.com”. I kept saying I would update and throw up some new podcasts. Alot of you are probably wondering what the hell happened to all of that. Well – here it is: I don’t have the time. I know it sounds lame but I really don’t. It’s unfortunate but the “real world” has kinda snuck up on me. I’m still the whacked out guy I’ve always been, but now I just have lots of bills to pay. So unless I get my next 400 paychecks by tomorrow afternoon the website form of “TheSexyArmpit.com” will cease to exist.

I know you’re all bummed. But think about it, what’s more friggin’ hip than a blog? lol. I don’t know about you but I’m so sick of MySpace so this is the way I’ll be doing it from now on. At least until some huge company comes to me and says we want to sponsor your site and make it the most visited sight on the internet. Well that ain’t happening any time soon so I decided to go with a blog. It’s nice and easy and it’ll concentrate on any warped thoughts that I have that desperately need to escape from my brain.

As for the podcast – I’d still like to do it and I haven’t counted it out. But it seems that I won’t have a way to present it without a website unless I use ITunes. SO that’s not impossible.

Another thing stacked against the site was the fact that we (Steve and Myself) couldn’t get any loyal staff members to be part of the team. It was like we were the black plague. I see plenty of sites that have staff of 11 or 12 people who take on different jobs such as reviewer/advertiser. We couldn’t get ANYONE let alone someone who could take on a specific job. Even Steve crapped out. I guess life just gets in the way. But I’m still committed to having something up on the internet. So that’s where I’m at now. The lone blogger. Fuck off…I carry silver bullets.

SOUND OFF ON SILENT BALL!!!

Posted on September 21, 2006 by sexyarmpit

ARE YOU READY?
I SAID ARE YOU READY?
FOR THE THOUSANDS OF CRAZY BLOODY BLOGGING FUCKERS OUT THERE……
LET’S GET READY TO READ JAY’S BLOG!!!

Here’s some of that pre-blog…the stuff that the clinic warns you about so you better rubber up now…
First- is Myspace a province of Cyberspace? Or are they totally different territories? Is it fair to say that if The Sexy Armpit invaded Myspace that they invaded your space, and his space, and even her space? Or did we just invade our own space? What about that crawl space? I think we missed that one. Now there’s a fucking mind boggler. Does the information superhighway run through Myspace and Cyberspace? I hope it’s nothing like 287.
——————————————
If you watched Dancing with the Stars last night: Who does the mambo to a weak rendition of a Kriss Kross song?? That was beyond awful. And it’s obvious Shanna is banging her dancer partner and that is why Travis left her. He found condoms from her bang-tango session with her friggin dance partner. Good for Travis…he’s a killer drummer and now he was caught making out with Paris Hilton. Good for him. At least we know what happened when they went back to the hotel room. They practiced calculus equations just cause she felt like brushing up….
——————————————-
The good people here at The Sexy Armpit.com have uncovered a mystery of sorts. Do you know how much of the population is not familiar with Silent Ball? Fucking SILENT BALL!! We’re not talking about the friggin’ Necronomicon or Sal’s pet Cthulu here…we’re friggin talking about SILENT BALL. After an extensive poll of a cross section of male and female participants whose ages ranged from 20 – 27, we have deduced that a large percentage of people, some legal citizens, some not….have not had the pleasure of playing in a game of SILENT BALL nor are they acquainted with the joys of what this stellar game is all about. C’MON PEOPLE!
After this extensive poll we were told that SILENT BALL was only for losers from Central Jersey. To them I say F-OFF! These are probably the same people who didn’t take part in hacky sack or quarter basketball/hockey during lunch. What about making a football out of folded paper and doing the old field goal kicking practice? Not down with that either? Bumper pool? What did you people do? 7up? Red Rover?
And now, the grand finale: PUNCH BALL KICK BALL. IF you never played that you are out of your f’n minds and I don’t want to talk to any of you anymore. Excuse me ….I’m going to listen to Cinderella…

Don’t bite your fork! and other gripes

Posted on June 30, 2006 by sexyarmpit

I can’t stand when people say “LITCHerally” instead of “LITerally.” That bothers the shit out of me.

Oh yeah, and don’t bite your fork when you’re eating…it’s like nails on a chalkboard.

And don’t slurp your coffee or soup…wait til it’s cooled off a bit.

How come grapefruits are so different than grapes?

I need answers.

And why do I have to work on Monday? That friggin sucks…as long as I have Debarge to rock me to work…

An ashel after breakfast

Posted on June 28, 2006 by sexyarmpit

Turning to more 80’s news…
Most of the local people have been to The Breakfast Club. It’s an 80’s club where the music that pumps usually leans toward the 90’s for some reason. I figured out a way to make this place way cooler – 1) Stop playing shit like the Counting Crows and Dave Matthews Band and 2) Make the dance floor tiles light up like in the Billie Jean video. Then the place would rock. You know what? If you really want to live in the 80’s for a few hours, skip the BC altogether and just watch American Psycho.

And now turning to the “I don’t care that I’m in my mid twenties and still watch professional wrestling…and if you ain’t down with that…I got 2 words for ya…SUCK IT” news
Finally the WWE is bringing back their original WWE magazine. I was damn sick of the seperate RAW, and Smackdown versions of the publication. Streamlining makes me happy. I don’t give a rats ass that Vince McMahon made up the word “ashel.” I personally think it’s one of the best words ever invented. In fact I’ve actually had 4 or 5 ashels already since I heard the word.

The latest in Jay’s morning Breakfast cereal news…
I’ve purchased EGGO waffle cereal…mainly because I could get the cool Pirates of the Caribbean SKULL STROBE. That sounds so badass. I think I gave my girlfriend the SKULL STROBE the other night. Anyway – the cereal is kind of disappointing. Not as Eggo waffley as I thought. Kinda reminds me of Honey Comb but with a maple syrup flava. I would stick to the Superman Crunch this month.

CORRECTION 6/30/06
I have to append my spelling of “Ashel”….Steve has just informed me that it would be spelled “Asscial” instead. I really don’t give a rat’s ass what he thinks but he’s probably right.

I like my milk BLUE, bitch…

Posted on June 23, 2006 by sexyarmpit

How come I seem to be the only person on earth totally pumped that there exists Superman Capn’ Crunch? I bought it about a week ago without hesitation. It’s awesome. It turns the milk blue. Anything that will give me blue milk like Aunt Beru was pouring in A New Hope is definitely for me. While I’m at it, I have to commend the Capn’ Crunch line of breakfast cereal, it’s always came through for me. Having a Superman tie-in makes it even cooler. With all the early feedback surrounding the movie being positive it just freakin’ pumps me up.

Fruit Loop Award Ceremony

Posted on June 9, 2006 by sexyarmpit

I’ve consumed 10 bowls of Fruit Loops this week. For this I will be awarded an actual Loop of Golden Fruit in a “New Hope-like” ceremony. This prestigious award is made of real fruit that have been glazed in pure 24 karat gold and it will be placed around my neck by the Grandmaster Toucan Sam before a live studio audience. How much do I rock? I was as surprised to hear the news as you are. I didn’t know I was eligible for such a great honor like this. Now I’m thinking I can start downing Fruity Pebbles (like I used to binge on) then I’ll be able to just chill in Bedrock all day. I’m sure Pebbles is all growns up by now…