Hark the Hair Bands Sing!

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A friend of mine, Steve, once said that everything in my life ties back to Hair Bands. While my hair is the furthest thing from being “hair band” status, the hair band flavor runs deep within my soul. I don’t have much of a choice either because it’s something I grew up with. Hair Metal was all over MTV and on the radio when I was a kid. It just seemed like the culmination of pop and metal was a perfect mix. It was only an added bonus when they threw in the spandex, leather tassels, HUGE hair, and the uncomfortable closeups of the guys in the band creepily smiling at you through the television.

After years of being glued to MTV watching videos for hours, I’ve come to despise videos that have been made within the last ten years. The hair band video mentality was that of a party and the escapist themes sucked you right into the plot. Was Tawny Kitaen dancing for us? As far as I knew she was. Who cares if she was porking Coverdale. Was Bret Michaels a complete woman in the “I Want Action” video? Hell yes, but the guys weren’t paying attention to that because we actually rocked out to it. The women ate it up because for some reason women seem to be attracted to guys that look like women. Alas, it was a great time for music videos.

Nowadays I’d be hard pressed to find you a video that I actually enjoy unless its some wacky homage to the hair band era. The ones that are actually cool aren’t even shown on TV. If you have VH1 Classics you can catch alot of these bands, but I don’t have the time to watch for 18 hours to see the new Quiet Riot video. Luckily with the existence of official band websites, we can now enjoy great Hair Band videos online including the ones that are made TODAY!

If you like to dabble in the hair band scene, you must check out “Oh Come Oh ye Faithful,” the latest video from Twisted Sister which appears on their Christmas album. It hearkens back to the golden days of Hair Metal videos when no one gave a shit about anything but having a good time and checking out some hot ass. Whether you love the genre or not, the videos are completely over the top and much more entertaining than the majority of videos made in recent times.

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I heard of Coal for Christmas, but E. Coli?

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Where are the stoners, slackers, and lovers of artificial Mexican cuisine going to get their sustenance? The outbreak of E. Coli in the Tri-State area specifically New Jersey has sparked a major media reaction. The news has been all over this story and with good reason. Not too long ago in this very blog I was raving about how heavenly Taco Bell food is. And if it weren’t for a few bad scallions I’d probably still tell you the same thing. Hell, a couple of diseased vegetables can’t kill such a great fast food chain. Taco Bell shall overcome.

As I continute to desperately sprint for the border and grasp onto what little piece of glory is left of the Taco Bell legacy, let me tell you about the Secret Santa swap we’re doing at work. It’s imperative that you know how I despise Secret Santa swaps. They are insipid. Fortunately this year, a woman at work decided to tweak the tradition ever so slightly so we can all enjoy it a bit more. She came up with writing not only our name, but also 3 things we would like for $20 on our little secret ballot. I think that’s a lot better than getting some dumbass gift you would never ask for or want in your entire life. So, I wrote down an Amazon gift card, followed by…(drum roll) $20 bucks in Taco Bell gift certificates! Mind you, this was only about a week before the E.Coli outbreak hit the news. I was so pumped to get the oddest, most white trash Secret Santa gift in history. In an effort to save myself from shitting blood I decided (against my better wishes) to take good ol’ Taco Bell off my Secret Santa ballot. I didn’t want the punch line of this story to go down like this:

Jay: Hey Suzy, what did you get from the Secret Santa swap?
Suzy: Bob got me a great flashlight/umbrella hybrid, what did you get?
Jay: I got E.Coli. I never wanted it to end this way.
Suzy: Oh stop, your life isn’t over…yet! You still haven’t finished your Extreme Supreme Chalupa with extra scallions.
Jay: Death by Chalupa. I guess the bell tolls for me.

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“Yesterday”: An Unexplained Occurence

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As I write this, it’s technically Sunday morning but the incidents I will describe happened in the afternoon of Saturday 12/9/06. Please keep in mind I’m not the type of person who thinks everything is freaky. Some people think everything that happens to them is freaky and only happened because of some greater or mystical power. This isn’t me. I do have to write that I am a person who believes in fate, as well as the unexplained. Ghosts and the paranormal have always fascinated me but not to the point where I tell people that I see ghosts and my condo is haunted by a spirit of an evil great, great grandfather.

When incidents that happen in everyday life seem coincidental some people really blow them out of proportion and think there was some magical reason for it happening. Scientifically, lots of things happen because there’s a good chance that they CAN happen that way. It becomes simply a numbers game. Sometimes, though there’s occurrences that can’t be explained by an equation much like what happened to me today.

My mother has a vintage doll that my father or uncle bought for my sister when she was a baby. This isn’t like a Cabbage Patch Doll or anything, it almost has a China doll type face and an ornate maroon dress. It’s on a stand and it’s eyelids open and close. On its back it has a key that you wind up to make it play music. The song it plays is the Beatles “Yesterday.” There’s a name of the line of dolls but I don’t recall what it is, all I know is that they go for a lot of money on eBay.

My mom keeps this doll on the top of her dresser and it’s immediately noticeable when you walk into the room. I stood in the hallway by her door to her bedroom and she was laying down on the couch in the living room. No one else was home and the television was on very low playing “Only You” starring Robert Downey Jr. and Marisa Tomei. I called for my mom but she was in and out of sleep trying to relax from her head cold. I called for her but heard nothing. “Mom?…” At that very second I heard the chimes of a music box playing the Beatles’ “Yesterday.” I attempted for a moment to figure out what I was hearing and where it was coming from. To be honest, I didn’t even remember that my mother had this doll in her room let alone what song it even played.

Jay: “Mom, do you have a music box?” I asked.
Mom: “No, but the doll on my dresser plays music.” she admitted
Jay: “Did you just turn it on?”
Mom: “No, I haven’t moved off the couch.”
Jay: What song does that doll play?
Mom: The Beatles’ Yesterday
Jay: That doll was just playing the song, did you put it on?
Mom: No, I didn’t. Where’s your father, maybe he did.

Needless to say, my father wasn’t home and he didn’t get home for a few hours afterward. My mother reminded me that it was YESTERDAY 12/8 in 1980 that John Lennon was shot in New York City.

**People, this is 100% true, no exaggeration. I also went into NYC Saturday night to celebrate my girlfriend’s birthday which was Friday 12/8.

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Wanted: Shopping Cart Gatherers – 8 BUCKS AN HOUR!!!

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I was impressed by something I saw the other night when it was freezing outside. There was a guy in the grocery store parking lot whose shopping cart was pushed by the wind and about to crash into a parked car. This guy had the decency to run at full speed to try to catch up to it and at the very last second he saved the car from getting a dent in it. This might not seem like much, but to me it’s what all of us should be doing. Show some damn concern for others, not only during the holidays but all the time. If there’s one thing that makes me want to scream it’s the thought of a friggin’ shopping cart crashing into my car at full speed because some asshole didn’t care to put it back in the shopping cart hangar. Doesn’t it piss you off when you see someone unload their goods into their trunk, leave the cart where it is, then pull out and drive away?

These kids who get paid 8 bucks an hour trying to herd carts together like they’re cattle have to do it in freezing temperatures but what’s their motivation? There’s rarely a sense of accomplishment because there’s people messing your shit up all day. Let’s be more considerate people, at least for the shopping cart kids who have dreams too. I’ve never heard any kindergarten student tell their teacher that they want to be a shopping cart gatherer when they grow up.

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Blue lights on the trees?

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There was a great commercial that aired during the kickass episode of Heroes on Monday. I must give props to Cingular and Motorola who produced an homage of A Christmas Story to promote their latest phone deal.

I find it quite amazing that A Charlie Brown Christmas is already airing on television right at this second on ABC. What’s even nuttier is that the Christmas Tree lighting in Rockefeller Center seems like it’s being scheduled earlier and earlier each year. Next thing you know, Halloween will be cancelled and replaced by a new holiday called “Countdown to Christmas.”

Tomorrow is the tree lighting and to me it’s pretty exciting. I’m looking forward to going to see the tree because it’s one of the last real traditions we have in the tri-state area. Traditions are awesome and make Christmas one of the most highly anticipated holidays. From the holiday music to the classic movies, it’s fun to relive them each year. Even though the holiday season has the most anticipation of any tradition, (next to the Super Bowl of course!) the more miniscule ones are still important. To many people, watching Monday Night Football (or Raw in my case) is one of the feelings that makes living life so awesome. If you don’t have traditions in your life, I recommend starting a brand new one up and then see if you can make it catch on with other people. Oh wait, George Costanza’s father tried that on Seinfeld (fesitvus) and Seth tried to on The O.C (Chrismakuh) and they both didn’t work out. It’s worth a shot anyway. I’ve always wanted to make a horror movie night with some friends where we all got together and watched a different horror movie every week or so. To me that is a great tradition.

Finally, it’s important to note that the town has decorated the trees on Main St. They put these weird blueish/purple lights on the trees! Usually red and green is more festive, or even colorless lights are better. I can’t get into lavendar, it’s not traditional enough dammit! Even silver and gold would be better.

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A Very Vital Billy Idol Christmas

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How the Pam Anderson/Kid Rock split is at the top of all the news updates is beyond me. At this point I’m curious to know who still cares about that storyline unless you are a hardcore Kid Rock or Pam Anderson fan. (who are you people???)

Now onto what should be at the forefront of the news, my recent purchases.

First, I was in the grocery store to get a cold beverage because I was parched. There I found the always satisfying Vitamin Water. Keep in mind that I have tasted every flavor that has existed except the one that I found on Friday. Vital-T is supposed to taste like Lemon Iced Tea, but it unfortunately tastes like Pledge, or Pine Sol. It’s really awful in comparison with the other flavors. The great part of Vitamin Water is that unlike other beverages it’s low in sugar, has vitamins, and a light feel to it. This Vital-T had a syrupy aftertaste and it just wasn’t all that refreshing. You can try it for yourself and let me know what you think.

My second purchase was the pièce de resistance. And no, it wasn’t a portable DVD player for $13 dollars. Why are they still such a hot commodity? While some people were clamoring for the sales on the big ticket items and the sought after stuff like PS3 and Wii, I’m always keeping an eye out for that little known gem of an item. One that will make my eyes glow and make me belt out Fah who for-aze! Dah who dor-aze! Welcome Christmas, Come this way! Ok well, I didn’t quite sing in the middle of Best Buy but I pretty much geeked out when my eyes locked on this cd like Maverick can lock a mig 28. The cover of the CD had a picture of a very familiar bleach blonde rocker. And no, I didn’t geek out for “Poison your Egg Nogg: A VERY Bret Michaelsy Christmas.” It was one of the most badass rockers from my childhood…BILLY IDOL! It was none other than the “Billy Idol, Happy Holidays” CD! I couldn’t believe what I saw because I usually never let stuff like that slip by my radar but for some reason I hadn’t heard about this one. I’m sure it will become a perennial favorite like his “Yellin’ at the Christmas Tree” track from Devil’s Playground. On New Year’s Eve if you listen closely you may be able to hear the faint tones of “Auld Lang Syne” coming from my Ipod sung by the one and only BILLY IDOL!

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Black Friday Parking Lot Brawl

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Black Friday was completely insane. If you never gone out to shop on Black Friday, everything you’ve ever heard about the shopping blitz is true. There’s the sales, the lines forming at 2am, and the crowds rushing into the stores at 5am, but you rarely hear about the battles for parking spaces. I walked over to Woodbridge Center just for shits and giggles and I made my way through the parking lot of Dick’s Sporting Goods. As I weaved through the cars, I overheard what could have become an all out parking lot brawl just a few feet to my left.

GUY #1: “I can’t believe you just cut right in front of me!”
GUY #2: “Oh go fuck yourself!”

No joke, I started to laugh at these two guys because of the preposterous situation that they were in. The Woodbridge Center Mall has about 3,500 EXTRA parking spaces that never get used unless it’s Black Friday. Any other day these two guys would have had their choice but because everyone decides to rush out all at once so they could get their hands on a heavily discounted cutlery set at Macy’s they get into a fight because of a parking spot. This is so lame. I am the first guy to admit that I have a short fuse but America has to check itself into this new 12-step program called CALM THE FUCK DOWN. Really, I attribute my short temper to the fact that we all need one as a defense mechanism nowadays. You never know when someone around you will snap and go ballistic. These two guys need to take a deep breath, step out of the situation and realize that they’ll probably be in the ground in no time if they keep getting so up in arms about stupid shit like shopping. But nothing ever changes during the Holidays, which is the exact time of year that people are supposed to be nice to one another. Isn’t that ironic? I’m going to make it a point to start calming down so I don’t contribute to the ticking time bomb that is our country. It is interesting to note that they both were in their cars. The way I see it, cars and driving give this world a lot of unnecessary stress.

On the stress free side of this Thanksgiving weekend, I managed to make a couple of purchases that were worth noting. More on that next time…

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Bringin’ Barbarian Back…

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I hope everyone’s Thanksgiving was awesome.

Usually I’m not a big fan of the types of food that Thanksgiving offers. This year though I was really overwhelmed by how great the food was. This is nothing against any of the cooks of the households, it’s due to my lack of love for the typical fare such as turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes, etc. I wound up eating a whole lot of food this year unlike previous years. Eating Thanksgiving dinner at 2 different places is definitely challenging. If you don’t pace yourself properly you can wind up on the floor with mashed potatoes drooling out of your mouth. I didn’t even have room for much dessert save for the excellent cream cheese squares. The highlight of the day was watching my girlfriend’s brother-in-law eat about 37 lbs. of turkey and the bones to go with it. I guess he likes to bring back the barbarian times.

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Jumping the Purple Turkey

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The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is supposed to feature Prince this year. Is this ok with everyone? I’m sure not all of you are as big a Prince fan as I am but don’t you think this is a bit odd? After he performed on American Idol last season I thought it was just a cool thing he did. Prince knocked Idol saying he hated the show and had no intention of ever being on it. Then he shows up at the last minute, performs his latest single and gets the hell off the show.

Perhaps Prince is “Jumping the Turkey” instead of the shark. Will Prince be performing on a float with a bunch of dancers dressed as Purple Pilgrims? I’m not sure that “Black Sweat” his latest track is made for the Thanksgiving morning tradition. Prince might wind up actually fucking a Turkey on the float. I’m interested in watching this because his appearance seems kinda weird unless he performs a remake of the Golden Girls theme song. We’ll see what happens in just a few short days. Typically I get bored out of my mind watching all the silly bands and other nonsense that doesn’t hold my attention. Just bring out Santa already!

I think this year they should have a float of Satan’s Little Helper and an actual Root Beer Float sponsored by A & W. That would kick ass. It could be interactive if you are lined up on the street because then it would spray random squirts of Root Beer at everyone. Once again, that’s kickass.

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