I’ve been meaning to get to this one but I’ve been so behind since the holidays rolled around. This picture was on the back cover of a Best Buy catalog a month or two before Christmas. When I first thumbed through the catalog and looked at the back, I had to squint and take a closer look. At first glance, it’s a picture of a family playing the new Playstation 3 on their flat screen TV. The father is all frustrated because of his apparent humiliating loss to his pre-historic son who just happens to be good at video games. It looked to me as if the people in the picture are actually wax statues ripped out of a museum display. What’s with the kid? It looks like he was created by Sid and Marty Krofft! Where the hell is Cha-Ka? What kid has hair like that? Who was his stylist Captain Caveman? Considering he’s from the Stone Age, how the heck did he get so damn good at video games? AND why is he wearing the boys winter wardrobe from K-Mart circa 1976? I haven’t seen a haircut like this since the Paleolithic era. The mother looks like she should be weaving a basket or gathering corn. The father looks like he just got knocked upside the head by a dinosaur fossil.
Some strange things are happening in this picture. Take a look at the kid’s right hand, he clearly cannot make a full fist. This is the direct opposite of his mother who seems to be hailing a taxi that’s passing across the living room. It’s gotta be chilly in the room as well because she’s got a scarf on. You have to wonder what’s on the kid’s mind now that the father has been rendered unconscious from the nasty blow to his head from that huge brontosaurus fossil. You can’t tell if he wants to chomp down on his mother or totally try to bang her. Maybe the kid is bowing to her and she’s the almighty ruler of the Gelflings.
I urge you to ask yourselves, is this the type of picture that makes you want to run right out and buy a Playstation 3? Personally I feel my thoughts are distracted far away from the what was supposed to be the PS3 phenom. I find myself being more concerned with knowing if the kid is related to Teen Wolf in any way. Is this ad the reason why PS3 failed to hit as big as it was supposed to? To quote SNL “Who are the Ad Wizards that came up with this one?” I think the true burning question that arises from viewing this picture is: IS THIS THE MODERN STONE AGE FAMILY?
Plans for ’07
I don’t really have any mind blowing plans for ‘07. I’m not gonna be like all the trendy people and say “world domination” is on my list of things to do. I never aim that high.
I thought about writing some really off the wall stuff describing my plans for ’07 but in all honesty I never think of a new year as any different than a few days from now. Let’s be honest how much do things really change? We get older, more cranky. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna keep doing the same things I’ve been doing.
New Jersey will still be known as a shithole. I bet I’ll still watch lame Nicole Eggert movies, usually starring Corey Haim as well. Most likely Gwen Stefani will still be on my iPod. I’ll still be reading comics, eating eggplant parm., and being claustrophobic. WWE, 30 Rock, and Heroes will still be on the top of my list of shows to watch. The wait time for the next Batman movie will dwindle down to 1 year. As you can see, things won’t drastically change. I do wish for MTV to become as cool as they were when I was a kid, minus the reality crap.
Other than the previously stated items, I’ve been having quite a hard time pronouncing the word “brewery.” I don’t know that I have much of a necessity to say “brewery” all that often but I’ll need to get better at saying it anyway.
There’s also no doubt that I’ll keep berating all of you with my blog because I have such a good time doing it. Even if the new year doesn’t bring much change I’m still looking forward it. Happy New Year everyone!
MOVE Bitch, Get Out the Gym!
Today I was working out at the gym on my break and close by was a middle aged woman lifting some heavy free weights. She was a very masculine woman and she was really going at it with the weights. She was also curling a straight bar with like 100 lbs. on it. I noticed that she had her mp3 player on and earbuds in her ears. She was singing to each rap song that came on. What really brought her to my attention was when she was rapping “Move BITCH get out tha way!” along with Ludacris while grunting and pushing dumbells up and down. I found this to be quite amusing.
It helped me realize just how much I hate when people sing along (out loud) to whatever is playing through their mp3 player. I so want to tell them to shut their traps. At least this lady was occupying herself while singing. It’s even worse when people are just wandering around a store or a college singing or rapping along for no reason. Listen to the music and keep the singing in your head!
Back to this lady. She also made me realize just how insanely annoying it is when people are working out and they make these grunting and sighing noises. Some people have their very own patented sound that they make. One guy I knew always used his trademark “sssss” sound everytime he put a weight up, no matter how much the weight was! It could have been 4 lbs. and the guy was like “SSSSSSSS.” Does this help them get the job done? Does grunting make it easier? Why is everyone so fucking dramatic? Maybe they are showing off? Occasionally if your doing alot of weight I know that our bodies force out some noises but these people with all their various grunts, sighs, and snake sounds are completely obnoxious. It sounds like their hurling. Come to think of it, I’d probably rather hear the manly, middle aged woman rap along with Ludacris.
Ladies and their Luxurious Restrooms
I’m no stranger to bathroom humor. Nor am I a stranger to humor involving actual bathrooms. Like you, I’m pretty familiar with being in a bathroom. We spend so much time relieving ourselves during our lifetime that most of us are bound to come out feeling refreshed and are inclined to tell some great stories about what happened. So far, in my life I’ve spent about 2,056 hours in the can. I’m not sure if that’s including Portsans, Johnny on the Spots, and random places like Grocery Store parking lots, but it’s probably a pretty accurate count. (# comes Courtesy of The Toilet Calculator) Being the creator and proprietor of the delicious, refreshing, FĒC-ALE, (the country’s leading brown ale) I feel I’m qualified to break some new ground in Scatology.
I hereby DEMAND equality when it comes to men’s and women’s bathrooms! Women need to realize that their bathrooms are usually a much higher quality than your average men’s room. When I was a kid I was out at a restaurant with my family and for the first time I realized that men were gypped. Women’s bathroom’s are more like a spa and feature ornate décor, couches, lots of velvet, etc. Men’s bathrooms have urinals and toilets. One thing that ladies bathrooms lack, for the most part, is the intense stench.
A guys trip to the bathroom becomes a challenge to see how long he can hold his breath. Believe me, we whip it out and unleash as fast as humanly possible while cutting off all oxygen to the brain in attempts to save ourselves from instant odor annihilation. I’m not the culprit here because I won’t go take a shit in a public place unless it is a complete emergency. Let’s face it, who is getting all comfy and taking a huge dump in the bathroom of a Target shopping center? Not I! I reserve this offense for a place that I can be completely relaxed, either my home, or whenever I’m in a Tibetan monastery. To blame are the guys that are so proud of their shits that they don’t care if they violate moral codes of decency by smelling up an entire 10 stall bathroom.
Women have had a long, challenging journey to arrive at the point they’re at now. They’ve gained the right to vote and they have demanded opportunity for themselves in politics and the workplace. One thing that they are definitely ungrateful for: Their bathrooms. Women need to appreciate what wondrous, mystical, Holy lands their bathrooms really are. I’ve never spoke to a girl who raved about the ladies room that they just peed in. Why? Because they are so used to it. They take it for granted that they can actually “rest” on a couch in their restroom. Men do not have this luxury. We might as well use the public sewers or potholes in the street to do our #2’s. Everyone wants a haven to desecrate and I DEMAND that everyone should have that luxury!
Jay’s Top 5 Christmas Gifts of 2006
Merry Christmas To All!
This Christmas has come to an end but while I still have a couple of hours left let me give you the rundown of the top 5 gifts that I received this Christmas. Money and gift certificates were plentiful this year but allow me to tell you about the gifts that were a bit more interesting. There’s no doubt that I got a ton of awesome gifts, but these are just the most worthy of writing about.
Harvey Walden Exercise Video – What better way to get motivated to lose weight than from the guy who kicks people’s ass in Celebrity Fit club?
20 Questions Pop/Rock game – This is a handheld electronic game that tries to guess the artist, song, or album that you are thinking of by asking 20 questions. I beat it on the first try because I was thinking of Butch Walker. Apparently they forgot to add in the lead singer of “Freak of the Week.” Who are the programmers of this thing? Their answer was Jeff Tweedy, and to that we exclaimed “WHO THE HELL IS JEFF TWEEDY???!!!” I don’t know but I guess someone thinks he’s more popular than Butch. Fuck them!
Kiss Trivia Game – It comes in a cool Kiss collector tin. You know with a collector tin you can’t go wrong because even if the game sucks I can get rid of the game and keep shit in the tin.
DX window cling – Now my car can be adorned with the same DX logo that HBK and Triple H sprayed onto Titan Tower.
Captain Lou Albano Shirt – Yeah, I said it…a Captain Lou Albano Shirt. The original was impossible to find unless you want to spend over $100 on eBay. My girlfriend got her artistic sister to draw the sketch of the shirt and then had a t-shirt made of it. It was definitely the best, most creative gift I got this year. Who in all of Whoville got a Captain Lou Albano shirt for Christmas this year? That’s right – no one, and I’m sure it would’ve been easier for my gf to get me a box of rubber bands to tape to my cheek, but she had to go and get all creative!
Honorable mention goes to Raw Vs. Smack down ‘07 and Marvel Ultimate Alliance, this would be a tie because I’m equally as pumped for both. I competed against my girlfriend in Raw vs. Smackdown earlier this evening. I havent played any wrestling games for play station since about 2001and let me say that they’ve come a long way! The game play is easier and the graphics are amazing. (I wound up losing the match because I couldn’t figure out how to get back in the ring!)
I also wanted to take the opportunity to mention James Brown. I don’t know anyone who wasn’t a fan of the Godfather of Soul. He was performing all the way to the end. I got to see him last year when he was invited out to perform with the Black Eyed Peas at Madison Square Garden. The Garden went wild for him, and he turned in a kick-ass cameo. To say he will be missed by all is an understatement, R.I.P James Brown.
Saturday Night with ECPW
A friend of mine invited me to go to a local wrestling event on Saturday. I can’t say that I was apprehensive because I am a big wrestling fan and I haven’t seen him in a while. We drove to the ECPW headquarters in Lake Hiawatha, N.J. Upon arrival we entered into the “backstage area” which houses a practice ring and all the guys are warming up there. I first thought that the ring I saw was the one we’d be witnessing the event in, and thankfully I was wrong. As we made our way to the actual event area, I noticed that it looked like a basement from the 70’s where random Kenner Star Wars toys should be strewn about. The concrete walls were painted black and one wall was spray painted with the word ADRENALINE in green. Spotlights were shining on the ring and there were families and girlfriends of the wrestlers in the audience. After seeing the guy with the DV cam, and being reminded by my friend, I realized it was a TV taping. This event was to air as several separate shows on public access. The show was introduced by Dave Cunningham, the capable ring announcer.
The wrestlers that came out were, of course, no match for the guys you see on WWE every Monday night, but they were on the right track. Some of the characterization needs more originality considering that they have a Canadian faction that appears frequently. The Canadian Outlaws are decent in the ring, but I think it’s an overdone gimmick. Kevin Apollo is the all American baby face who definitely needs to improve his mic skills but he kept my attention and he has good in ring ability. Surprisingly, the crowd roots for him even though he’s shameless about being “the nice guy.” I’m a fan even though he’d get eaten alive in WWE. Same goes for Jay Santana although his top notch ring skills overshadow his “Ariba” screams. Gil Quest is a stellar athlete with a great theme song : “You’re the Best” from the Karate Kid. It’s painfully obvious that Playboy Marcus Shields stole his gimmick from the Rock. It’s also pretty apparent that Vincent Valentine is one of the more talented on the roster. He’s a great talker and he’s definitely effective as a heel in the Army of Darkness. I kept calling the other member of the army Maxx Payne and Man Mountain Rock because that’s how he looked regardless that his name is Legion. The Hot Shot Mike Reed looks like a cross between Kip James (The Ass Man) and as my friend Steve said former Chicago Bear, Jim McMahon.
The tag champs The Owens were getting some negative feedback from the crowd, but they are a hard hitting tag team who remind of a young Hart Foundation minus the great technical skill of Bret. I really enjoyed the Jedi tag team (The Next Generation) who come to the ring wielding light sabers and when in need of a tag simply tell their partner to “use the force.” I’m not sure if they are being serious or not because it comes off hysterical.
The managers of ECPW are quite memorable. Padrone is an stereotypical Italian manager of the probably un-Italian Dan Mandini who’s no relation to the Mortal
Kombat/WuTang/Marijuana mark the Great Blazini. The Creeper, is just that, a little creepy guy who carries around a rubber rat. Leaving the building I even saw the pompous and arrogant manager Doug Devito get into his Cadillac while still puffing on his cigar.
Considering the production qualities aren’t the best the show was still fun. Watching a show like this brings me back to the basics. The focus isn’t on the owners daughter, or necrophilia, or running someone over with a Bigfoot truck. The focus is on wrestling, and the spectacle of having many different personalities team up in the squared circle to put on a show. The competitors showed that they were dedicated to the sport, they got most of their spots right, and they stayed in character. Run by wrestling veteran Gino Caruso, this wrestling organization reminds me of how WWE was when I was growing up. With time, and with their public access show, the ECPW is bound to take off like ECW did. Check them out at www.ECPW1.com, it’s a chance to see some future wrestling stars while they’re still accessible.
www.SexyArmpit.com
Walk of Shame
I just received these questions in an anonymous e-mail so I figured I would answer them and be a little interactive:
1) Jay, is this really your entry for the day?
I’m not kidding, this really is my blog update
2) There’s no way that this picture is real.
Scout’s honor…this isn’t photoshopped.
2) There’s no way that this picture is real.
Scout’s honor…this isn’t photoshopped.
3) Cut the crap, who’s the graphics wizard who made this ridiculous picture?
I actually took this photo myself at the Hard Rock in Las Vegas.
4) Jay, I just watched the commercial for it, do you think one
would really need rush delivery of Monster Ballads?
No, I don’t think anyone would ever need rush delivery of Monster Ballads
No, I don’t think anyone would ever need rush delivery of Monster Ballads
Film Review: Rocky Balboa: 3 ½ armpits!
Going into the theater to see Rocky Balboa, I had a feeling that I wasn’t going to be disappointed. There are so many people I know who have expressed their discontent with Stallone making another installment in his boxing saga. Call me crazy but how can you not like Rocky? I think people need to lighten the fuck up. There isn’t much to hold onto in this world so there’s nothing wrong with going to a movie that will choke you up, make you laugh, and inspire you all at the same time. In his Rocky films, Stallone has had a knack for taking the audience on an emotional journey that culminates with a nail biting, feel-good finale. It’s definitely a formula that works, but some people think that there’s no reason to do another one and that’s the exact theme that runs through this Rocky installment. What’s the point of going back if you’ve proven everything? There’s always something to prove and Rocky VI proves it!
If you’re a fan of even one of these films you’ll enjoy Rocky VI because of its realism. In it, a sports show on TV simulates an exhibition match between Rocky and Mason “The Line” Dixon, the current Heavyweight champion. The thoughts are mixed as to whether Rocky would win or Dixon, so A.J Benza (yes! He plays Dixon’s manager) gets the wheels in motion to get these two in the ring for a Las Vegas Pay Per View extravaganza. I was extremely pleased with how they carried this out in the film because it’s a scenario that might play out in real life. All the events leading up to the match were well done except for one. I left the movie feeling that we should have seen a scene where Dixon finally breaks down and commits to the fight with Rocky. Up until the press conference, we only see Dixon get frustrated with his manager and leave his gym and say he’s going back to his old gym. What made him finally decide to fight Rocky when he was completely against it? I guess A.J Benza is quite a persuader, or it was the big payday.
Adrian has passed from cancer and Rocky now owns a restaurant called Adrian’s in South Philly. This isn’t too far fetched when you think about how many former sports stars own restaurants. He’s got Spider Rico hanging out there reading the bible and washing dishes like a wacky old man. Paulie’s even back and he’s got the funniest lines of the film. It wasn’t a huge role, but Rocky’s son is played by Milo Ventigmilia (Hereos). We can surmise that Rocky has a new love interest and for the creative minds, her son might be the next guy that Rocky trains to be a boxer.
It was nice to see that they bring up all the great boxers such as Muhammed Ali, and Rocky Marciano. This brings Rocky into the real world even though he’s a fictional character but it works wonders to revitalize the story for a newer audience. It makes Rocky more of a legend. I cannot say that I was disappointed in the film in any way. It was entertaining, inspiring, and as always it had an awesome match at the end. The audience clapped for the Mike Tyson cameo, so keep an eye out for it.
One of the parallels in the film was priceless. Punchy, Rocky’s new but truly old dog was written into the script to represent Rocky being an old dog who still has life in him. Who woulda thunk it? Symbolism in a Rocky movie? Totally true. Rocky runs with the dog during the training sequences and it works. Earlier in the movie Rocky explains to “Steps” that even though Punchy is an old dog, if he is treated right, eats right, and has some friendship, he’ll have a lot of good years left in him. This is the crux of the movie. Rocky thought it was over after Adrian died but it wasn’t. He kept fighting and realized that he had a lot of life left in him as well. Great movie.
www.SexyArmpit.com
WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE: CLAMP CHAMP
This just in… The Eternian Royal Guard has just released new information about another so-called “Master of the Universe” who has come under police scrutiny at the moment. Known previously to the masses as simply Clamp Champ, this dangerous sex offender has been a wanted criminal for 20 years. As if it needs to be said, his calling card is his superior clamping abilities. Through public Eternian documents it’s been discovered that Clamp Champ dropped his first name which was originally “nipple.” Nipple Clamp Champ, as he was known, was regularly found in the seedy sex clubs of Eternia.
His perverse habits of clamping onto Eternian women’s nipples and not letting go gave him a reputation for being quite the ladies man. Here’s where the story goes south. Nipple went off the deep end and began to clamp onto women’s buttcheeks, and even whole entire breasts. His death grip would leave nasty indentations on the women’s private areas which made them extremely perturbed. This landed him in hot water with the Eternian Royal guard. In 1986, they red flagged Nipple and put out an APB for him and since then he’s been wanted by the government. A recent investigation claims Clamp Champ makes replicas of his mechanical clamper and sells them on fetish websites. If you are compelled to buy a nipple clamping mechanism for whatever reason, please think twice as you may be buying from an unsavory fellow.
WARNING: Clamp Champ has also been known as “Nip the clamper”, “Reginald”, and “Silly Bitch.”
WARNING: If he does come in contact with you, he WILL attempt to clamp onto your nipples or put a deathlock on your buttocks with his clamper. If you see this man of hear of his whereabouts please contact your local police.
Every town should have a comic store, even…ELM STREET!
I’m a little late on the mark when it comes to getting my comics. There’s a lack of any cool comic stores in our local area. There’s only a few and they pretty much suck. I feel uncomfortable going into these stores because you don’t know what to expect from the clerk. Either it seems like they are really depending on you to buy something or they couldn’t give a fuck if you’re even in their shop or not. I like to ask questions if I’m not sure if I’m buying the right book or if I need a certain issue. I’m not the guy who goes into the store and buys 40 comics either. I’ll buy a few here and there and I don’t read/collect one specific line. Although I was excited recently when I found out about Wildstorm’s line of Nightmare on Elm Street comics. There have been many different companies handling Elm Street comics in the past but I was confident Wildstorm would do it justice. I was a month or so late but I finally got around to Secret Stash this past weekend and picked up issues #1 and #2.
While reading the comic it was easy to picture its events actually happening in a film installment. There was nothing that was too far from the typical Elm Street saga and unfortunately it doesn’t attempt to further the mythology of the series in any way. I’m sure in the upcoming issues the writers will stretch out creatively. Chuck Dixon reintroduces Freddy into the comic world with a solid plot. The characters are similar to ones you’ve seen in the films and segues to dream sequences are well done. The art by Kevin West is vibrant and colorful and it’s especially enhanced by the high quality paper. West has done quite a memorable job translating the Nightmare series from the screen to the page. It’s far fetched but I’d love to see it become a mature animated series on HBO in the vein of Spawn, but much scarier. It’s good to know a company finally got it right with such an iconic series.