Some crazy fat woman in the audience on RAW just yelled “I hope you choke on your own asshole” to Carlito after he annihilated Ric Flair. How does one choke on his or her own asshole? She must’ve felt very passionate about Ric Flair not getting his ass kicked. McMahon should just let this crazy fat woman fight Carlito in the next PPV. I think that would be way better than the stuff they’ve been doing. It’s pretty sad when getting a peek at Mickie James’ thong that’s 3 sizes too small is the highlight of their show. Hey, Melina’s thong ain’t so bad either! They’ve come a long way from Bertha Faye vs. Bull Nakano. On the other hand, not much has changed since Cena beat Khali at Judgement day on Sunday in a very similar manner to his win against Umaga a few months ago. You know what would be a great match? The Great Khali vs. Giant Gonzalez and you might as well throw Bastion Booger into the fray come to think of it. He could be the special guest referee.
To Your Health!
An article I read yesterday claims that taking multi-vitamins can cause prostate cancer. Well whaddya know? A supplement that was supposedly meant to improve our health is now detrimental to us? Next thing you know we’ll probably be told to immediately cease the ingestion of water into our bodies because it’s toxic or something. “This just in, STOP DRINKING WATER!” NO WAIT…DRINK MORE WATER! It’s the healthiest thing for your body! All of these contradictory health reports are enough to make your eyes cross. Everyday in the news there is another claim about what you should or shouldn’t do in order to maintain your health. With all of these conflicting stories there seems to be no right or wrong answer. The best bet is to keep a good balance and not to drive yourself crazy reading and watching every bit of news regarding your health. While you might save yourself in one way by learning about something you should cut back on, you’ll be making yourself paranoid in the process and deteioriorating the one thing that you need more than anything…YOUR MIND!
As an example, I was always curious about the health benefits of beer. Some articles will tell you it’s excellent for your body to have beer occasionally because of the B vitamins and the positive effect it has on your blood pressure and heart. Another article will tell you that the alcohol will help trigger cancer and the carbohydrates will give you a big fat pot belly. Wine has always been touted for it’s antioxidants although it’s extremely high in sugar. What’s the deal? Can we live? I don’t even want to hear what they say about Kool-Aid. Are there no pleasures in life anymore? There is a light at the end of the tunnel! Frequent masturbation may ward off prostate cancer, although I hear it also causes vision impairment.
The Soprano’s Score a Soda
I have to admit I’m almost getting that same feeling as I had leading up to the release of Revenge of the Sith. For a Star Wars fan to disclose that kind of info to the public is pretty huge because that feeling doesn’t come around that many times in life. It’s the same type of excitement anyone can experience for something they are really looking forward to beyond description. Usually when I’m anticipating an event I feel pretty good vibes leading up to it. So having this cold bottle of amaretto flavored Soprano’s Italian Soda only creates more fervor inside of me.
I don’t think marketing “Italian” Sodas with the Soprano’s logo is extreme at all. I think it came at a perfect time. If items like this came during an earlier season of the show the novelty would have watered down the shows quality. Just this past year we saw the release of the Soprano’s video game and a slew of other stuff. These things really just make me more anxious and make the year long wait time in between seasons more grueling when it should be whetting my palate. Even though I’m super excited, I’m still very sad to see it go. For six seasons The Soprano’s has been the most well done show out of any program on broadcast television or cable.
Even though it shows a darker side of the state I feel that The Sopranos is proud of the great state of New Jersey and embraces it much like we do here at The Sexy Armpit. Make fun of N.J all you want, but we can say this classic show belongs to us!
Butch + Stone Pony = Good Time
After having minor surgery to my lower back on Monday April 2nd I hopped onto the Garden State Parkway and headed south. It was time to go to the Stone Pony for the Butch Walker and the Let’s-Go-Out-Tonites show. It was a cold, foggy night down the shore but I had a feeling what was in store for me in the next few hours. That special Asbury feeling was present although it’s weird to see half the town under construction. I actually prefer the dilapidated buildings and ruins because it reminds me of Jersey’s version of ancient Rome. I admit that I do look forward to the day that Asbury Park regains it’s prominence.
As always there were annoying people I overheard on line who were discussing that Butch somehow has done special shows only for them and how much they love Butch because they liked him for X amount of years, and they saw him X amount of times. Oh man, it kills me to be on line with some of these people. They complained that the doors weren’t opened yet and it was too cold out. They even asked Butch if he can get them to open the doors as he stepped out of his tourbus for a minute to get a water. Leave the freakin‘ guy alone, Jeez! Is he the f’n doorman? Through the utter disgust I was experiencing, I kept in mind that Butch puts on an awesome show so I kept freezing my ass off waiting in line, being pelted with sporadic drops of rain, and standing through 2 opening acts…yeah that was all great.
The first opening act, Rocket, from L.A were actually pretty enjoyable. They are an all girl band that seemed like a mixture of The Go-Go’s, The Ramones, and The New York Dolls. They appear very youthful and had tons of energy. The lead singer, Lauren Rocket (all their last names are Rocket), equipped with a red keytar, seemed like a Lindsay Lohan on Courtney Love’s crack. Pretty cool stuff. The next band up was The Honorary Title who merely deserve the title of “honorary,” rather than an actual title. It took them like 9 hours to setup their equipment and do their sound check. They were bland and their music did not leave an impression on me. You can hear some emo, The Killers, and U2 influences in their music. Most of their set list was pretty slow and somber but I prefer upbeat.
Butch blasted through a ton of fan favorites from his Marvelous 3 days as well as a bunch of songs from his latest album, “The Rise and Fall of Butch Walker and the Let’s Go-Out-Tonites.” Butch apologized to the Stone Pony staff and to anyone else for seeming too cliche before ripping into a big mother cover of Bruce’s Born to Run. The place exploded for Butch and his ballistic assault of “Light’s Out” during the finale. Then he ran into the crowd and sparked the audience into a frenzy. Butch Walker turned a dreary, cold Monday in the ruins of Asbury Park, feel like a Friday night in a legendary shore town.
Well isn’t that just f—ing Comcastic!
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out how to connect a friggin‘ cable box. Why is that when you want to get a brand new cable subscription they want a cable guy to come to your house and hook it up for you? The installation charges, $9.95, were minimal and didn’t bother me. What I find ridiculous is that they shouldn’t make it mandatory that someone comes to your home. It should be a service that’s offered if you’re a total doofus when it comes to anything even remotely technical. I thought they had self install kits but after asking about it, they claim they only offer that for High Speed Internet and not cable.
When you schedule the cable guy to come to your home they’re nice enough to give you a window of time that he’s supposed to come. That estimate is about as accurate as saying “Well sir, he possibly might come at some point during the day.” “He’ll be there between 1 and 3 PM” said the woman on the other end of the phone at Comcast. As the time neared 2:30 I was on the phone in no time asking where this motherf’er is. I had to be in my condo at 1 and stay until 3, and when it was 3 he was nowhere to be found. I get a call at around 3:30 from the cable guy who will be coming. He’s completely lost and he barely speaks English. I gathered from my keen observation skills that he was asking me to help him get to my condo so I needed to stay on the phone. Well wasn’t he a little lost, pushy bastard! There I was waiting in the empty condo trying to explain to this guy who had marbles in his mouth how to get to my condo from a neighboring town less than 2 miles away. As I clearly explained what route to take he still asked me to stay on the phone with him. Shouldn’t DIRECTIONS be something that these guys leave their building with? Perhaps a brain might come in handy as well. How are these guys going to get their jobs done without a Mapquest printout or a freakin‘ GPS system in their truck? What if they send Fedex guys out to drop off packages without giving them the addresses of the places they need to go?
The guy finally gets to the condo at 4:30 pm and obviously goes to the wrong building as I stand in my window and throw my forehead into my hand in disgust. I call him to tell him he’s going into the wrong building. (Numbers are blatantly marked on the windows of the building lobbies.) Once he comes in he hands me the cable box and asks ME if I knew how to hook it up! I felt like telling him, we could have avoided this mess if they would have just let me do it on my own. That’s why I asked if I could do it on my own to begin with. After he basically asked if I could do his job for him and still pay Comcast $9.95, I began hooking it up in mere seconds while he went outside to make sure the switch to my unit was turned on. When he came back he asked me if I had a drink for him. I said “Sure what would you like, I have soda, water, iced tea?”” He asked if I had Sprite. Well aren’t we picky now! He should have been thankful that I was so agreeable with his request. I said “I have Mountain Dew.” He said he wanted that and he gulped it down like his body depended on this dew to keep him alive. What’s wrong with these guys? They have no drinks for them either? A vending machine? Once he started on the internet he had to call in my mac address because I have my own modem. His call on his cell phone kept dropping and he had to keep calling back in. (He called back in 3 times because every time he read the mac address she couldn’t hear it.)
And the moral of the story: I was impatient. If I had waited just a few days after this fiasco I saw a Comcast commercial on TV advertising their latest promotion: Cable self install kits. FUUUCK!
Kick Out the Jams, Bennigan’s!
Even though it was a cold, bitter Saturday night, my girl and I were up for going out. We agreed on going to see “The Hitcher.” She had some passes to a theater chain that I’ve only been to once but we figured we’d give it a shot. We hopped on 287 to South Plainfield and drove into the parking lot of the theater. I immediately saw a line forming at the box office which was situated OUTSIDE the theater. How many thousands of years ago was this place built that you need Eskimo gear to actually purchase tickets? After declaring this as definite CRAP, my girlfriend decided to nonchalantly drop in the fact that they DIDN’T have stadium seating! This was an afterthought to her because she doesn’t understand that my viewing experience is paramount to me actually venturing outside my domain to go see a movie. The surrounding must be pretty damn good for me to go see a new movie considering it’ll probably be on cable in a matter of months. Add all of that to the fact that there wasn’t a parking spot in sight because the lot only had 43 spots. Needless to say I vetoed the movie theater idea as fast as you can say “What a shitty remake!”
The lady was hungry so Bennigan’s it was. I swear nowadays you cannot go in there without thinking of the movie Waiting. As we pushed through the entrance doors we were greeted by the Bennigan’s guy and he informed us that “they’re running about a 15-20 minute wait.” I though this was completely insane because there couldn’t have been more than 20 people in the entire establishment at that moment. We opted to sit at the bar and tough it out there. As we hung out with our drinks served by the bald, scary, stare a hole through you, pierced, bartender I tried to listen to the nostalgic tunes on coming out of the ceiling speakers.
The variety of music was mostly from the ’90s. There were some memory jogging songs that came on, but it was one in particular that blew my mind. I immediately recognized the first few seconds but I brushed it off as my mind playing tricks on me. As a few more seconds passed, a familiar voice raps “Im back and Im ringin‘ the bell rockin on the mic while the fly girls yell…” It was none other than Vanilla Ice’s “Play that Funky Music White Boy.” Dumbfounded is a word that doesn’t properly describe my feeling at the time. I never thought I would hear this song again since the days of Vanilla Ice on MTV. Perhaps there’s a renewed interest in Rob Van Winkle since he keeps showing up on VH1. Whatever it may be, I’m proud of Bennigan’s for not just playing typical crap. It’s official, the only two places that you can hear Vanilla Ice: Bennigan’s and my iPod.
So Long, Burger Express
Was it the giant sign protruding out of the parking lot that says Cheese Fries emblazoned in yellow and black that made it so special? Perhaps it was the fact that sitting inside made you feel like you were back in another era? Even though it was known as Burger Express, one of the most famous items on the menu was their Chicken Sandwich with Cheese Fries. Of course, when you’re drunk at 2 am, any type of food ain’t too shabby. You’re 17 years old and the only place you can really drive to with your friends when everything else is closed is a 24 hour burger joint. For 30 years, Burger Express was just that for many of us. B.E. in Carteret, NJ has been a fast food staple, and a local legend of sorts for the entire local area. Recently we got wind that B.E was being forced to close it’s doors. (Something about the NJ Turnpike authority making Exit 12 bigger.) Last weekend we had our last taste of B.E., at least for a while. The lines were literally out the door. It’s said that the classic Cheese Fries sign will rise up from the ground like that missile in Wyatt’s house and once again rule the fast food cravings of many.
In a similar sense, Sciortino’s Pizzeria (the greatest pizza in history) in Perth Amboy, N.J showed the state that they couldn’t keep a good restaurant down. They were forced to close their doors by the city, they re-opened in South Amboy, and now they’re doing better than ever. I think it has something to do with the obligatory newspaper article hanging on the wall commending the unique cuisine and vintage atmosphere. If an eatery has one of those hanging it might give them the extra fortitude to survive amongst all of the chain restaurants that pop up all over the place which no one bothers to actually ever write about. It’s probably cause they’ve got no personality.
Film Review: Invitation to Hell!
Typically I love terrible, shlocky movies. I do have my standards though. I’m not into stuff that’s beyond bad. Some people run websites honoring the worst movies of all time and there are about 93 million entries. Occasionally I like films that are on the brink of being great. That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy great films, because I do. Fortunately, if we’re talking Wes Craven movies then we’ll get the best of both worlds with this review.
I am a fan of certain directors and I’m the type of person who tries to see the entire filmography of a director or actor if I enjoyed at least more than one of their films. Ever since my early childhood I thought Wes Craven was the king. Boy was I dead wrong – pun intended. After Scream, Wes put his name on almost any movie that came out in the theater or direct to video if it had one remotely gory scene in it. In reality it was Wes Craven Presents: a truly shitty film made by someone who’s not Wes Craven.
He kind of shot himself in the foot by lending his name to these pieces of garbage. Some of the films that he didn’t actually direct were abysmal. Attaching his name only brought his credibility down. When people see the video box WES CRAVEN PRESENTS – THE PIECE OF SHIT THAT YOU’RE HOLDING IN YOUR HAND. But it’s a clever marketing gimmick because I would be more inclined to see it with his name on it even though I know full well it’s gonna blow Oprah turds. Some of the films that he actually is responsible for blow even worse!
If I may turn your attention to a movie called INVITATION TO HELL. One of the shittiest movies I’ve seen. Of course, it’s no NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET but it did have Susan Lucci playing a whacked out Spa owner who‘s trying to lure Robert Urich to join her mysterious club. When I say whacked out Spa owner I mean a character that they are trying to depict as Satan incarnate. Of course Satan would own a Spa/Country Club. I guess we just figured out where all the golf balls go when they fall into those bodies of water randomly placed in golf courses….STRAIGHT TO F’N HHHELL!
For Zabka’s sake, If Susan Lucci never won an Emmy she should have won a friggin’ Oscar for her portrayal in this movie. And give Robert Urich a fucking lifetime achievement award for being brave enough to play his dumbass role in this film. He’s created a spacesuit that can decipher what species the person is that the helmet zooms in on. What a great idea the writers came up with to OVERLY EXPLAIN that some of the people in the films were demons!
Urich’s kids were played by Punky Brewster and the kid from D.A.R.Y.L. Punky was definitely not in top form, she didn‘t seem punky enough. It’s now a scar on her spectubular resume. FYI I just coined that, I get royalties.
It’s only a rumor so I don’t want you to get excited but I’ve heard through the grapevine that the Weinstein company has the rights to the hot commodity known as “The Script for the Invitation to Hell.” Paris Hilton will take on Susan Lucci’s role. And, it’s a no brainer and I shouldn’t even have to tell you because you probably could have guessed but I’ll tell you anyway: BEN AFFLECK is the obvious frontrunner for Urich’s role. Can Affleck offer anything to a role that was so masterfully played the first time around? Is there a point? I’m actually pulling for Affleck to accept his invitation to hell, then we could be rid of him.
Imagine buying a ticket for this? “can I have one invitation to hell?”
Supermarket Sweep
I was walking around Wegman’s last night and decided to pick up a few things that caught my eye. I’m always on the lookout for obscure food products and I definitely found some. My first aquisition was Saranac’s Shirley Temple Flavored Soft Drink. With 50 carbs, 50 grams of sugar, and not alot of carbonation, this soda is super sweet and will undoubtedly give you Hyperglycemia. It tastes truly amazingly like a Shirley Temple, and it goes down really smooth. I used to get crap as a kid for ordering Shirley Temples and I never understood why until someone told me that I was supposed to be ordering a Roy Roger. I only knew Roy Roger’s as a western style fast food chain. Who cares if I ordered Shirley Temples wherever there was a bar, they tasted awesome. I even got a little older and started concocting my own at home with grenadine and soda. Now I can have my own pre-made ST in a neat glass bottle and worship at the Temple of Shirley.
Second pickup on my Supermarket Sweep was Wegman’s Peanut Butter and Jelly Ice Cream. It’s awful for you, but it’s smooth and delicious for my tummy. There were other brands that made this ice cream flavor but this was the only one I found locally. Ben and Jerry has this listed in their flavor graveyard. Apparently is was only around for a spell and died sometime in the late ’90s. I guess I’m pretty late on the mark. According to Blue Bell Ice Cream’s website, they make the flavor as well. Either way, the combo of the peanut butter ice cream with swirled grape jelly is awesome and worth trying.
The Day the Candy Died
At work the other day we came into a windfall of Smarties. It was fun, it was like Halloween. I don’t eat candy a lot now that I’m all “grown up,” but I was a loyal fan of the candy when I was a kid. Smarties were a favorite of mine and I can’t count how many occasions Smarties wound up in my hands. We would get them in birthday party goody bags, on Halloween, and sometimes in a big-ass variety pack mom bought that was filled with candy. Smarties never changed the formula and always stayed true to themselves. The packaging, flavor, and consistency have stayed the same as long as I can remember. This means a lot in comparison with all the rest of the candy out there.
We stuffed our pockets with as much would fit. My coworker and I had lumpy asses. I haven’t had them in so long so I ripped into them immediately and they tasted awesome. There was actually different varieties like Tropical, which didn’t taste too much different than the original, and Bubble Gum! Now, I’m a big fan of the flavor bubble gum as in “Maglione’s Italian Ice Bubble Gum,” and I was hoping that the Smarties would taste similar. After I popped a bunch in my mouth and started chewing I realized that they actually turned into gum. A pretty BAD gum if I must say. It tasted like apples instead of bubble gum. Even worse, was that it was the type of weak gum that seems like your chewing a pansy ass gum that wears frilly violet shirts. I spit the damn gum out immediately. I couldn’t stand it.
It’s such a shame that Smarties has bowed to the pressures of society and started making all these different varieties. That’s the downfall of quality. Why make Reese’s with caramel, Reese’s with white chocolate, Reese’s with pudding, Reese’s cookies, Reese’s with pesto sauce, Reese’s with neon yellow peanut butter, Reese’s with her spoon, the list goes on and on. To all the candy companies: Start concentrating on the original and quit worrying about offshoots! Stop trying to spin-off your candy! Are you trying to make candy or jump the shark?
After checking out their website, I read that they’re a family owned company and they are made right in Union, New Jersey! Not that this makes me forget how awful their Smarties gum is, but it definitely puts them back in my good graces. But that didn’t last long as I continued to peruse their site and saw so many different kinds of Smarties to chose from. There’s even Smarties candy money! Let this be a lesson, stick to the basics. Once you start manufacturing X-Treme Sour Smarties, it’s disastrous!
And what’s with Nestle Chocolate Smarties clogging up search engines when I search for the REAL Smarties? F-them! Does anyone even like them?