Film Review: The Last Kiss 2 1/2 stars

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Have you ever wanted to hammer a few nails into your eyelids so they would stop opening? I figured if I did that I wouldn’t have to watch the rest of the The Last Kiss starring Zach Braff. It was Saturday night and my girlfriend and I just wanted to relax and see what was On Demand. We came to The Last Kiss, and we both said we wanted to see it when it was in the theaters. The minute I clicked “watch” I was having second thoughts.

Upon seeing the trailer for this a month or so before it opened, I actually thought it looked pretty good. I didn’t really like Garden State, but I thought Braff turned in a good performance. The trailer was Rachel Bilson heavy, unlike the movie. The trailer also seemed like it might have been a romantic comedy, which is more tolerable than just a romance. What the movie turned out to be was completely different.

The Last Kiss was a film that explored Michael’s (Braff) feelings of apprehension about spending the rest of his life with the same woman. In the film, he described marriage as being “final.” His girlfriend Jenna (Jacinda Barrett) was pregnant with his child but they weren’t married yet. All of Michael’s friends were having issues with their girlfriends also. One of them, Kenny had a romp with a new girl he met and then bounced when she was about to introduce him to her parents. Naturally that’s the knee jerk reaction. Chris (Casey Affleck) couldn’t deal with the pressure of fighting with his girlfriend and taking care of their baby so he decided to leave her. I couldn’t stop thinking “what a downer this is!”

Michael needed to explore life away from his girlfriend and Kim (Rachel Bilson) was very cute, in college, and ready to slip her panties off. They meet at a wedding and they hit it off. Michael visits her at college and they eventually wind up having sex. (*To make matters worse Bilson doesn’t even get naked) Of course, Kim gets clingy for a moment. Michael claims he needed to be with someone else to realize how much he loved his girlfriend who caught him in a lie. After Jenna found out Michael was banging Bilson, she wouldn’t let him in the house as he pleaded her forgiveness. What a pansy. The End.

Who wants to watch a movie about a guy who gets caught cheating and gives up on life to sleep at her doorstop until she lets him back in? That’s the suckiest idea for a movie ever! The subplot was even worse. You have Jenna’s mom Anna played by Blythe Danner who is depressed about something. We find out that it’s because she thinks her husband is cold and uncaring. She’s also wrestling with the fact that she cheated on him with Egon Spengler a few years prior.

I can’t stand this trend of people cheating on each other in movies. There’s so much divorce and infidelity in real life I don’t care to watch it on screen. Movies are supposed to be escapism! It’s pretty sad. With all the negative stuff in life, wouldn’t you think people would want to watch a strong relationship depicted rather than have the burden of watching a couple with problems? The Last Kiss isn’t about infidelity, it’s about Michael’s struggle dealing with the status quo. Michael was scared of the long haul, but sleeping with another girl isn’t going to make Michael figure out what he really wants in life. Even if he marries Jenna he’ll still have those random urges to sleep with that piece of ass college girl who’s flirting with him.

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EZ-Pass Thief on the loose!

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From The Sexy Armpit Police blogger: Occasional cruddy, toxic waste infested locales aren’t the only thing New Jersey is known for. Many of you aren’t aware of a more prevalent problem plaguing N.J than garbage and radioactivity. It’s the fruitless thievery committed by inept, third-rate criminals.
Around 12:36 am this morning in the vicinity of a suburban N.J community (which will remain nameless) an innocent woman’s car was viciously broken into. The neighborhood was
serene as it’s citizens were in repose awaiting another hard, honest day of work.
After the ruckus occurred dogs at the residence of the victim began to bark, waking the family up. The thief left the car door and trunk open and must’ve ran away. After notifying authorities and thoroughly examining the car inside and out, it was discovered that the only item stolen was an EZ–pass tag. There are still several states that don’t have EZ-Pass. For those that aren’t familiar, EZ-Pass is a transponder you put in your car that lets you glide through tolls on highways without stopping to pay. You receive a bill in the mail detailing your account activity. What the thief didn’t think of is that the owner can easily report the EZ-Pass tag stolen and order a new tag. If the pass still works after that then I’d be surprised. Come to think of it, there’s really nothing lucrative or beneficial to gain from stealing one of these tags. If the thief raced to their nearby car they might have hopped onto the Garden State Parkway or N.J Turnpike and scammed the poor woman out of at most, a few dollars, if that. A typical parkway toll is $0.35!

So far I have failed to mention that there was a Sirius satellite radio system in the car and one of those nifty spring-loaded telescoping umbrellas. Wouldn’t you have snatched the Sirius and the cool umbrella? Bet your ass! Maybe even the whole entire car? The EZ-pass would be the last thing anyone would want to steal, right? In it’s defense, EZ-Pass is a great invention and it allows you to coast through tolls while others are waiting from Joe P. Nocoins to find the change he dropped while ordering that Big Mac he was inhaling while driving. What self respecting thief steals an EZ-pass? One from Jersey, obviously.
Surprisingly, Blue Jersey.com actually had a short post about EZ-Pass crime:
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Funny: Ms. Kelly Clearasil Commercial

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Have you seen this Clearasil ad? I think it’s hysterical. “I’m really good company” the kid says, trying to put the moves on his friend’s mother, Ms. Kelly. He proceeds to take a bit of whatever the mother is mixing on his finger and licks it seductively. Clearasil’s tag in this ad is “Clearasil may cause confidence.” It’s pretty damn clever although I don’t think it would give a guy the cajones to hit on his friend’s mom. Unless of course the friend was Bill S. Preston Esq.

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Too Hard on The Two Coreys

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I sacrificed watching Entourage last night to check out A&E’s The Two Coreys. In sum, Haim is really dysfunctional and Feldman is totally whipped by his raspy voiced, domineering, vegetarian girlfriend. Watching them at a total opposite point in life than they were in the ‘80s actually makes me hope for the best for them. Haim talked to the audience about their “comeback” and sadly their second coming probably isn’t happening anytime soon. Hold on a second though, none of us thought Rocky could come back and stand a chance against Mason The Line Dixon now did we? Stranger things have happened in Hollywood especially from one half of the Frog Brothers and the guy with frosted hair who had a risqué Rob Lowe poster on his wall.

As I watched Transformers in the new AMC theaters in Linden, NJ I couldn’t help but feel like it reminded me of an ’80s movie. Not for any glaring reason but for a subtle vibe running through the film, after all it’s based off of an ’80s toy line. It definitely wasn’t blatant but consider the mainstream schlock that Michael Bay is typically responsible for. When making such generic blockbusters it’s not hard to make a movie that gives the impression that it could have been made in a different decade. The main reason why I got that ’80s vibe was surprisingly Shia LaBeouf’s kick-ass performance. You could pick up on his versatility and his comedic timing was dead on. Here’s where you’re all going to abruptly jerk your steering wheel to the right to dodge the oncoming unexpected comparison to yes…Corey Haim and Corey Feldman: the two guys that the entire world may tie back to. I’m in no way saying that we can compare a rising star like Shia LaBeouf, the guy who’s already starring in Indiana Jones 4, to “washed up” guys like the Two Coreys. What I am saying is that people should think twice before completely lambasting them.

So what, they got caught up with drugs and bad reality shows. They are human, and they just so happen to have been the same guys who probably would have been cast in Transformers if it was made into a live action movie in 1987. It might pain you to think about it, but it’s true. Nothing that LaBeouf did was new. We could have easily taken either of the Coreys circa 1987 and inserted them in that role and they would have been equally as comedic and considering inflation, equally as successful at the box office.

Perhaps they’ve had a run of bad luck, but America is never satisfied with the abundant amount of nostalgia that gets spat back out at them. Once you think you had it to the gills with the Surreal Life, Flavor of Love, and Scott Baio programming it’s time for more! Knock the Coreys all you want but clearly there is a demand for them. You might try to consider the impression that movies like License to Drive and The Lost Boys left on you. Let’s not forget movies like The Goonies, The Burbs, and Dream a little Dream. The Coreys were on magazines and wallpapered every girls bedroom at the time. And to the guys: don’t act like you didn’t think Corey Feldman was friggin‘ hysterical in every movie he did. He was definitely a guy who we could all relate to. Think of him in Friday the 13th part 4. How many of us were exactly like that when we were young? How about Haim in License to Drive? It’s his best role and evokes very similar feelings we all had when we hit 17 and were about to hit the road with our new licenses. All I’m saying is back off already! The Two Coreys contribution to the world has been solidified a long time ago. If producers, advertisers, and public demand deem it necessary to supply us with another dose of the Coreys, then so be it!

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Knockoffs in Disguise

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With the hysteria of the new Transformers movie and living in a world of constant nostalgia, I wanted to share a revelation that I came to recently. It had nothing to do with the meaning of life, or the fact that I feel I was meant to finally bring Dingbat and the Creeps to the Broadway stage. This is one of those little mysteries that I was bent on solving.

I got into a conversation at work about Transformers. Believe it or not, it was about the fact that I didn’t have too many Transformer toys as a kid and rarely watched the show that much. I did catch the show on occasion and I did have the original, awesome Optimus Prime figure/truck. It was a killer toy. For my taste, I was never too intrigued by the Transformers. I was more of a fan of the Go-Bots for some reason even though robots in general never did it for me unless it was C3PO, R2D2, or Vicki from Small Wonder.

The Go-bots were basically a knock-off of Transformers. They road the wave of popularity that transforming robots created in the ’80s. I mentioned in this nostalgic powwow that I had one Go-bot figure whose name escaped me but I remembered what it looked like. It was then my mission to scour the Internet for the exact figure I had. Luckily I found this site that had a list of every Transformer and Go-Bot toy ever made. I checked each and every one of them twice with no luck finding my old toy. It was frustrating to think that the mighty Internet couldn’t solve this mystery for me. It shows how reliant I am on the net, but there really isn’t any other way to find this kind of thing out easily. I figured if it wasn’t a Transformer and it wasn’t that specific Go-Bot that I thought then what the hell was it?

My friend Steve sent me a link to check out in hopes that I may get to the bottom of this.
http://www.toyarchive.com/Gobots/StoreDisplayShellConvert.html

I’m sure it was my birthday or Christmastime and an Aunt, Uncle, or cousin actually drove up to get gas at Shell and remembered that they didn’t by little Jay a gift! Oh crap! Luckily they are selling these knockoff Go-Bots aptly named CONVERTIBLE ROBOTS, and you can get one when you buy some gas. I can honestly say that I had alot of knockoff toys in my childhood because the real ones were always more expensive and sometimes harder to find. This knockoff, even though generic, was more convincing as it took me over 20 years to figure out that it was a ripoff and not a real Go-Bot or Transformer. It was perfect for kid who wasn’t a huge fan of either of the shows because I had no idea that it wasn’t even a real character. It truly was a robot in disguise.

There aren’t many things in life that are worse than knowing you had a knockoff of Go-Bo figure as a child. What a sad memory to hold in my heart! I owned a knockoff of a knockoff. I think falling into the toilet and getting your ass all wet just after you took a shit might be the only thing worse.

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From Bat-Bots to Bat-Pods

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With the latest picture released of Batman’s new modified costume in next summer’s The Dark Knight, I figured I’d weigh in on something Batman related. If you aren’t aware I’m a Bat-freak and have been since the Super-Friends. The latest animated incarnation that debuted a few years ago called “The Batman” has it’s pros and cons. After 4 seasons I’m not completely sold on the show although I do enjoy it.

First, the CONS: The way the show portrays classic characters like The Joker, Penguin, and The Riddler doesn’t really live up to my expectations of what they should be like. When I say “what they should be like” is of course a matter of opinion. Batgirl was introduced in the 3rd season (before Robin???) and I don’t know if I like her costume too much, it’s kind of odd. I also can’t stand the show’s new theme song (not the original one by Edge, the newer one) it sounds so much like a mix of James Bond and Hawaii Five-O. Like Carlito says: It’s not cool. It’s upbeat but not Batman-esque. Lastly, I can’t say enough awful things about the Bat-Bot suit that Batman used in a couple of episodes.

Onto the Pros. The plots are interesting, pacing is fast, and the dialouge is well written. Other than that the animation quality, voice acting, and the Batmobile are all top notch.

I can’t wait for The Dark Knight next summer but I was a little put off by seeing pictures of the “Bat-Pod” as if the Bat-Bot wasn’t bad enough! Can’t we just give this guy his classic Batcycle? All vehicle modifications aside, with Anthony Michael Hall, and Eric Roberts part of the cast this movie is shaping up to be the best Batman yet.
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F–K You Nielsen ratings!

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I just finished watching the 2nd episode of Hidden Palms on the CW. You can say what you want about that, I really don’t care! I’m enjoying the show and many of it’s details. For one thing Kevin Williamson is responsible for it and he’s the guy that wrote Scream and Dawson’s Creek among others. The teaser trailers that were released on TV and online really caught my attention because of the frightening shots and the talk of “people come here to die.” I thought it was a horror show but I figured it couldn’t be since they already have Supernatural which isn’t a bad show either! The setting appeals to me since Palm Springs is one of the best places in California for its architecture which I appreciate. There’s definitely something original about Hidden Palms though. The show definitely has a dark side and the plot takes twists and turns as it almost veers on being a thriller at times. I wish it would go more in that direction because I think that’s where it will find it’s niche audience. I’d rather not see a mystery but it never hurts to throw in some tense buildups to a climax that might even be scary. As for the cast, I already knew Cliff (Michael Cassidy) from the O.C as well as Taylor Handley who plays the lead character Johnny. Cassidy’s Cliff character is very reminiscent of James Spader’s roles in the ’80s. Amber Heard plays the love interest, Greta, and she’s just freakin hot. Johnny’s mother is played by Gail O’Grady who isn’t so bad either if you’re into milfs.

It’ll bother the shit out of me if this show gets cancelled. After all, it IS a summer replacement shows and I’ve read that only 8 episodes were originally ordered. The first episode had pretty poor Nielsen ratings. Why do we as viewers allow this to be the only way that ratings for shows are calculated? It’s bullshit! Now, who the hell actually has a Nielsen box anyway?No one I know or ever have known in my entire life has had a Nielsen box. There’s only one box that dictates anything to me and it isn’t named Nielsen. We’re letting good shows get cancelled, we need to get Nielsen the f— out! Their process is not a good one. They have no idea who is really watching which shows. While I’m on the subject, Arbitron has no idea who is listening to which radio station at certain hours of the day. It’s crap! The viewers with a Nielsen box know that their habits count and they can watch a certain show religiously to keep it on the air. What about the voices of the millions AND MILLIONS of TV fans that DON’T have a Nielsen box? Their favorite shows get cancelled. Let’s take the upper hand and collectively give Nielsen a big F-U!

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Night Walk

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I went for a long walk downtown on Saturday night. It was a pretty nice night out considering how hot it was in the daytime. I figured I’d walk to the Quick Check to see if they had the new Monster Energy Coffee drink that I wanted to try. I began my trip with a glance at the New York City skyline. Far in the distance it glows like a majestic Oz. New York is no Oz, and neither is where I‘m about to go. As I walked down Main Street I thought about how I used to want to move out to California and live in San Diego. In fact, it didn’t seem like an option, I was set on moving once I finished college. Some of my friends always said they wanted to pack up and just move the hell out of here. I never thought of moving away to a different state as an escape, I felt there would be more job opportunities there. I never felt like I needed to “get out of this damn town.” I believed that it was pretty lame to stay in the same place my whole life. I never wanted to be “that guy.” You know, the middle aged guy who works jobs around town gathering shopping carts at the store and cutting grass all while reminiscing with the people in town about the old days. That same guy could tell you every one of his teachers names from High School and the score to every football game he played in. Or possibly a more realistic scenario, he wears a Metallica T-shirt and can tell you the in-s and outs of his Pontiac Firebird that he bought junior year of high school that he still drives. Thankfully, I’m not them but it is scary to think that it’s possible to become that way. Is it because they get trapped in their hometown forever? I don’t think so because I know many people who have strong familial ties to the town and the surrounding towns. My family isn’t from this town, in fact they’ve collectively lived in so many different towns that I can’t keep track. I thought about how time passed and that money and a realistic career kept me from ever moving so far away. I don’t feel that making the decision to not move away has made me any worse off though.

As I made my way under the route 9 overpass I noticed how much garbage decorated the dirt sidewalk. I thought “Why do we even have stretches of dirt sidewalk in a town with 100,000 people in it?” I quickly forgot about the garbage on the ground. Some low hanging tree branches presented my face with the always annoying spider web, and another, and even one more a few hundred feet further to get me pissed just enough. With the spider webs and the humidity I feel like I need to take 17 showers at this point.

I think I live in the only town that has convenience stores every 300 feet. 7-11didn’t have the drink I wanted so I moved along. The stores and restaraunts were closed and it seemed like a ghost town except for the cars. I looked into the windows of some of the places in the center of town and wondered “How do some of these places stay in business?” I rarely see anyone ever going into some of them. Next stop was Quick Check and again, no luck with the Monster coffee. I kept walking and noticed two Latina ladies passing me on the left. One of the girls said quietly “Hiii Papi” in a friendly fashion. I was surprised because I don’t think anyone has ever said that to me and inside, I was laughing. I walked about 200 feet away this time and stopped into, YES, ANOTHER QUICK CHECK! No luck again. I’m not kidding here people, there ARE that many convenience stores in our area. Watch the tram car please, Next Stop: Walgreen’s open til’ midnight! No Monster Coffee beverage. Bummer.

My journey was unsuccessful and it was time to make my way back home. I walked back down Main Street as a tall guy passed me on the right. He nodded his head and said “What’s up?” in a pretty upbeat manner. I said “what’s up” back and kept on my way. Shitty me was about to ignore him. It was an oddly good feeling to have people say hello to me at 11:30 at night when the streets are pretty empty. The idea I have when walking the streets aimlessly at night (or at any time or place for that matter) is that this person is going to mug me so please walk past me as quickly as possible. Does their friendliness make me feel like things are “getting better in the world?” Not really judging by the garbage all over the ground and that there are psychos that decide to shoot people like at Virginia Tech. Life isn’t so peachy keen, but for that hour and a half that I was walking the streets on a cool but humid night, I felt like things were good and it was my town. I felt like throwing a party in the middle of main street. This vibe of positivity didn’t end there. Not 2 minutes after the tall guy said what’s up to me the cars in the street stopped for a red light at the intersection. “YO JAY!” I heard a guys voice yell from a car that was waiting at the light. An old friend from high school recognized me and we started talking a bit. He asked if I needed a ride. I definitely looked like I was homeless or something. You can’t walk around late at night in cargo shorts and a Hanes T-shirt anymore and have people NOT think you are homeless. It’s a crime! I told him I was actually intentionally out walking and enjoying the night. He was telling me how he had National Guard duty early the next morning. We ended the conversation and I continued home. It crossed my mind how different it is walking through Times Square than where I just was. There was no hustle and bustle, no horns honking, no nasty odors, but I did have 3 people say hello to me. There were no flashy lights which I do enjoy, but I didn’t have someone hastling me for money or standing on a bucket preaching their good word to me. That’s pretty damn good if you ask me. I was able to take a leisurely stroll with no worries. I’m sure I’d be able to do that in say, San Diego, or Orlando, or anywhere else for that matter, but why? I’m already here. I’ve always been here. And, there’s like 6 convenience stores within walking distance! Let’s face it maybe I was embellishing but I in no way feel like shouting “I love this town!” like Ernie Hudson did in Ghostbusters, but I guess it’s a pretty damn good place.

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American Gladiators re-runs!

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Maybe I’m about a month behind, but this morning I discovered that American Gladiators is re-running on ESPN Classic. If there was ever a momentous occasion this is one of them. I used to watch that show religiously until the point that I realized maybe I should get my lazy ass up and stop watching these ultra athletic people and actually whip myself into shape. That didn’t last long until I found out about the American Gladiators video game for Sega. That game was as much fun as watching the show! During the hot summer vacation one year I must’ve played that game every day. I always felt that it would be awesome to take part in that show because the events are so cool. They are obviously more challenging than they seem on TV but those guys made it look easy. Why not re-build Gladiator arena at Universal Studios where it was fillmed? People can go in and watch like it was a real show sort of how they do Who Wants to be a Millionaire in MGM. I’m down for it…and I’m sure Nitro and Laser aren’t busy!

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Memorial Day Recap

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Many of you had big plans for Memorial Day weekend. I know alot of you were getting obliterated, barbecuing, and socializing. My weekend didn’t involve any of that but I’ll run down some of the high points for you.

I’ve been waiting in great anticipation for Thursday at 8:00 pm to go to see Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. I was so excited for it that I had my advance tickets on Tuesday! I headed over to the AMC theater in New Brunswick without even eating dinner. I was too pumped. I could care less about bad reviews or box office take, this movie was awesome. Some say it’s too long or too confusing but if you’re a fan of the series and you love the characters then you will be treated to an exciting, epic adventure.

Saturday I had a beer with a friend at Hooters of Union, N.J. and then watched the Spurs game.

Sunday was a trip down to Atlantic City to see Gwen Stefani at the Borgata. Just as we were approaching the end of the A.C expressway there was a 10-car accident that was blocking all of the lanes. I wasn’t about to sit and wait three hours for the cops and the ambulances to come and get it squared away. Some of the crafty drivers who were stopped in traffic realized that they could creep through a tight spot on the right shoulder and pass through the mess. Only five or six cars were brave enough to sneak through and I was one of them. Shit, Gwen Stefani was only a mile away!

I was hungry as hell and I knew that they opened a Fatbuger at the downstairs food court at the Borgata. I never tasted a Fatbuger before and I was curious to see what all the hype was about. Eve since I was 6 years old I wondered what the Beastie Boys were referring to in their song “The New Style,” and now I know. I ordered the original Fatburger (w/no onions) with Fries and a Coke which is the way a burger should be served! It was definitely a “tasty burger” as Jules said in Pulp Fiction but it wasn’t too different than a burger from Johnny Rockets. It was definitely enjoyable though.

Before heading to the event center for the show I made a stop at one of the Borgata’s luxurious bathrooms. If you ever have to take a trip to the bathroom and you are like me and you hate shitting in a public restroom – the BORGATA is the place to do it. The best part is that there are literally 30 urinals and like 20 stalls. This isn’t normal by any means. With the amount of bathrooms in the place I don’t think any one bathroom would ever be filled to the max. That means a helluva lot of people need to shit at the same time, that would be uncanny. This is a bathroom sent from Heaven. This is most likely the way the public restrooms are up there after you enter the gates and you have to pee really bad you make a right and there you are at the Borgata bathroom. Who would’ve thunk that a bathroom in New Jersey would be so awesome!

I spent some time at the TOP GUN SLOT MACHINE! While this may not be as cool as the Star Wars slots it’s a very close second. The seat your in vibrates and makes noise while the F-14 does a fly-by onscreen. The bonus game is pretty cool because it lets you attempt to fly into the
bonus number you would like. The only downside is that it plays a cheesy cover version of “Danger Zone” instead of the original by Kenny Loggins.

Gwen Stefani put on a fantastic show as usual. The wait time and standing through the horrid Lady Sovereign was tough but I made it through.

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