A Septic Spiel of Spooky Scares, Super Heroes, and Strange Stories from Miles Beneath the Crud of New Jersey!
The incomparable artist Mike Bock is actually one of us. According to his bio, his interests include MOTU, GI Joe, TMNT, Thundercats and Wrestling! Among the various He-Man and Thundercats pieces that he has done, his brilliant creative powers also discharged The Toxic Avenger, New Jersey’s only Super Hero!
It’s a good thing we’ve got Springsteen, because the New York Giants sure as hell didn’t come through for us this season. Couldn’t they have at least won their last game in Giants Stadium? And while I’m at it, are the G-Men really moving on to greener pastures? I’d say that playing in “The New Meadowlands Stadium” is a step down in comparison to having an entire stadium named after the Giants franchise for over 30 years. From now on, the Giants and Jets will have to share a stadium that’s generically named so it won’t offend Jets fans. Big Blue couldn’t end it all on a high note? Nope, instead they let the Carolina Panthers trounce them. It’s a good thing my woman got us tickets to see Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street band put on the last concert ever in Giants Stadium back on October 9th, 2009.
Have Yourself a Meaty Little Christmas ($9.99) holiday/comedy – The Aqua Teen Hunger Force Christmas Album was released in November ’09 and it’s already a Christmas classic on my iPod. Meatwad makes me laugh my ass off! Meat Navi-wad!!! Highly recommended if you’re a fan of the Aqua Teen crew from South Jersey.
“Lonely on the Streets Jersey City” – The Casualties – ” track #11 on We Are All We Have ($0.99)
“Being From Jersey Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry” – Cobra Starship – track #1 on While the City Sleeps, We Rule the Streets – what is it with the convoluted song and album titles on the Fueled by Ramen record label? ($0.99)
“Better Off in Jersey” – Crash Romeo – track #11 on Gave Me the Clap ($0.99)
Hometown Tales ($2.99) app
“Hotel NJ” Starfucker – track #1 on For Crying Out Loud! ($0.99)
Living on the Edge of the World: New Jersey Writers Take On the Garden State by Irina Reyn app/book ($13.99)
NJ Devils by Alan Braun (FREE)
Weird NJ ($2.99) and Weird NJ Hauntings (FREE) app
“The 12 Days of Christmas…Jersey Style” – Cast of Jersey Boys track #9 on Broadway’s Carols for a Cure Vol.11 ($0.99)
Vanity – American Angel – ($9.99)
“Surfin’ the Jersey Shore” – The Giraffes – track #6 on franksquilt ($0.99)
If you were on board The Polar Express, would you really want to stop in New Jersey? Can you believe that Santa Claus (aka Schlatter Claus) actually has to bring presents to the kids in the toxic waste dump known as New Jersey? Santa would risk the chance of becoming a fat, red, radioactive, hairy beast. As you can see in this clip from 2004’s The Polar Express, Santa’s elves almost shitcan the idea of stopping in Maplewood, NJ, but the “big man” ultimately pusses out because he’s the nicest guy in the world.
This little punk bitch Steven from Maplewood put gum in his sisters hair and then acted like the lying brat that he is and couldn’t even own up to it. Steven repeated “I didn’t do it” over and over again. Whether I should be pissed at the creators and editors of The Polar Express, or if I should direct my anger toward the little annoying kid is irrelevant. Either way, this kid royally pisses me off. Why, why, why did they have to show that clip of “I didn’t do it” 5 times?? Are they serious? 5 f-cking times? Completely uncessary! I got the point after the first one, thanks. “I didnt do it” oh but you DID do it. You annoyed the Mumm-Ra ever living shit out of me. I want to smack this kid in the mouth with a spatula. Please cue Kool and the Gang’s latest track that they recorded just for me “Interrogation Time,” because if Steven didn’t do then I need some f’n answers. Hey Steven, who put the f’n gum in your sisters hair if you two were the only ones in the room at the time? You are the biggest f-cking liar! Stop blatantly denying that shit!
What’s with the elves sounding like they are from New Joisey? Apparently, Santa Claus is their Godfather figure or Tony Soprano take your pick. If there’s any truth to this then that means all of the wishes of all of the children around the world get filtered through the Garden state and then sent up to the North pole. Whether you are naughty or nice, the elves either say yay or “nah, f-ck that kid.” Remember when you wanted the Castle Grayskull playset for Christmas back in ’83? Remember how disappointed you were when you realized that it wasn’t under the Christmas tree? You can blame that on one of those made elves who ratted you out to Santa Claus about how you stole that little jerkoffs grape fruit roll-up at lunch time. Don’t even get me started on my Millennium Falcon fiasco! Let’s just say I was never able to recreate any of Han and Chewie’s space adventures all because of an incident involving artificial fruit and a cute little blonde girl. I’ll say no more. So, if you don’t get what you want from Santa Claus this year, blame it on the elves who run organized rat outs of naughty kids in NJ under the guise of waste management.
**There’s a lot more to be said about Maplewood, NJ’s place pop culture so stay tuned for future Armpit posts featuring this town!
I had myself a Christmas candy bonanza. As if I don’t eat enough junk during the holidays, there was still more to be consumed and reviewed. Unlike Easter, Christmas isn’t known for it’s superb candy as much as it is cookies, but there are a few items worth inhaling. Read on as I make a marshmallow world of my kitchen.
I kicked off this holiday taste test with the Russell Stover’s Maple Cream Santa since it was the most enticing to me. I can’t remember if I’ve ever actually had this flavor before, but after one bite I was immediately seduced by it’s heavenly consistency and luscious flavor. If you dig maple flavor anything, then mark my words, you will fall in love with this. If you missed out on Russell Stover Christmas candy, then make sure get one of these suckers next year.
At first glance, this basic run of the mill Russell Stover marshmallow Santa Claus might seem like “schwag,” (underworld marshmallow slang term for low grade marshamallow) but as always it was completely satisfying. The marshamallow center was moist and more like a whipped marshmallow, not that odd styrofoam type marshmallow like in mallomars or moon pies. This was like eating chocoate with fluff in the center. What’s most apparent is that this basic version is the only one that features an actual mold of Santa Claus, and in comparison to the other pear shaped shit nuggets, this one is actually fairly accurate.
The strawberry cream version was next on the agenda. If you’re a fan of strawberry flavor then this will exceed your expectations. The pink filling is moist and the strawberry flavor doesn’t taste too artificial, but it’s still very sweet of course. Russell Stover seems to have the Christmas candy title all locked up. I’m looking also forward to trying these in dark chocolate, which is my preference, as well as their varieties of mint chocolates.
In a fierce contrast to the aforementioned Russell Stovers chocolates, Melster’s Cherry Cordial marshmallow reindeer was an gigantic fail. I’ve read a few other reviews of Melster marshmallow candy and they haven’t been favorable either. What are you trying to pull here Melster? This is an outrage. The mold is terrible, it looks like a siamese cat instead of a reindeer! The cherry flavor goes overboard on sweetness, and the marshmallow is way too fluffy and lacking the creaminess of Russell Stovers. You better step up your game Melster or the elves will stage an intervention!
Recently, I came across one of the most amazing websites that has conjured up so many memories from my childhood. Blowmoldsrus.webs.com features a history of illuminated blow mold Christmas decorations as well as a ton of amazing photos. To say that “everyone had these figures” is an understatement, especially because people are still putting out the same lighted Santa Claus and Frosty the Snowman figures that that have been putting out for the last 20 – 30 years. Ride around your neighborhood and I bet you’ll find at least a couple of houses with lawn decorations that are pictured over at Blow Molds R Us. According to the sites disclaimer, these figures aren’t made anymore and it’s a shame because they are probably considered antiques at this point. Man, I feel old!
That jolly old elf sure as hell ain’t bringing them many more wins, that’s for sure. I’m about to become an official Nets fan just out of pity. With 2 wins and 26 losses so far this season, the Nets are so unpopular at this point and when things become unpopular, that’s when I pounce, what can I say? When only a quarter of the Izod Center is filled for games, maybe it’s high time that I stand up and become a proud New Jersey Nets fan? I’m a glutton for punishment so I’m a perfect candidate to enter into this no-win situation. Think of it this way, there are fine folks out there who adopt children who have been deserted by their parents, and I’d be adopting a team whose fans deserted them! It looks like the only way that the New Jersey Nets won’t get coal in their stockings this year is if they get their act together and start playing like a full fledged professional basketball team.
Just when you thought you saw it all on Thisiswhyyourefat.com, it’s gotten even more extreme on Insanewiches.com. Thanks to @PaxtonHolley from the awesome nostalgia and pop culture blog Cavalcade of Awesome for finding this one. If you haven’t paid him a visit yet, now is a fine time to do so because he’s got a snow machine pumping on his blog! That’s so frigging cool. Can I get a fog machine for The Sexy Armpit? Hmm, that’s my mission in 2010. A Fogmaster 5000 for The Sexy Armpit and I’ll need to find out who the hell actually ate the Insanewich pictured above! Hopefully they have not gone into cardiac arrest just yet.