According to this statistical breakdown I clipped from the pages of Playboy Magazine, New Jersey has the purest heroin out of the cities listed. You know…just in case you were wondering. Come to New Jersey where you can sit in traffic, nearly vomit as you inhale the Turnpike stench, and be sure to enjoy our high quality South American smack. Our shit is not only good, but cheap too! NJ: The Heroin State!
Starland Ballroom Food Drive ’09
This release was taken from the Starland Ballroom Newsletter:
The Middlesex County Food Organization and Outreach Distribution Services (M.C.F.O.O.D.S) is in desperate need of food donations, and Starland fans are asked to lend a hand by bringing a canned food item to any Starland show in November and December. And we’re not looking for decade old Sloppy Joe mix either: The present economic woes are affecting those in need harder than ever. Please help us help others this holiday season and bring a can to your next Starland show. For more info on how you can help M.C.F.O.O.D.S visit their official website: www.mciauth.com/mcfoods.htm
For more information on food donation centers throughout New Jersey, visit the Food Bank of New Jersey website: www.njfoodbank.org
Check out StarlandBallroom.com for their concert listing.
The Headbangers: Lazer Tag Champions!
This late night WWE program aired from 1997-1999
Unlike today, WWE had quite an array of tag teams in the late ’90s. One of those teams hailed from New Jersey and comprised Glen Ruth (Thrasher) of Camden and Charles Warrington (Mosh) of Cherry Hill. Before they were heavy metal punks, The Headbangers (Mosh and Thrasher) were first introduced as “The Flying Nuns” on WWE Shotgun Saturday Night. They lacked the cuteness of Sally Field so naturally that gimmick didn’t last.
Nowadays, for some reason, the WWE tries to pretend the former tag team champions never existed. I don’t see why. Maybe it was because they wore kilts and sports bras over their shirts? The Headbangers weren’t on par with say…The Hart Foundation in the ring or anything, but they had a great deal of presence and a cool gimmick in my book. It was good to see a couple of guys whose entire shtick was tailored to the fact that they were into metal and punk music. Whether they actually listened to Wayne Newton or Pantera on their own time was their business.
If you were a WWF/WWE fan up until that point you’d know that the company barely acknowledged any type of outside entertainment unless it was an artist or band that was appearing to sing the national anthem at Wrestlemania. It seemed to me as a young kid that the WWE writers took us all for shut in morons who didn’t know what was going on in the world around us. They came a long way from the Rock N Wrestling connection that was ushered in by Hulk Hogan, Cyndi Lauper, and Captain Lou. Thankfully, WWE realized their mistake and now uses music to their full advantage in advertising and in the wrestlers theme songs.
It just seemed like The Headbangers didn’t get a fair shake. If their gimmick was tweaked a bit they may have been taken more seriously. At least they’ll always have this kick ass Lazer Tag advertisement they starred in to hang on the wall in their dining room forever.
The Sexy Armpit is 5 Years Old!
This NJ cake, posted at New Jersey Scoop, was created by
the 4th grade students at JFK Elementary School in Raritan, NJ
The cake depicts all 21 counties and various points of interest in The Garden State
Yep, The Sexy Armpit has been around for 5 years! Recently, Geocities, the birthplace of The Sexy Armpit, was put out of its misery. I don’t think anyone was sad to see it go, but several of my earliest websites were made using Pagebuilder and published on my free Geocities account. I created all the graphics for the original incarnation and it didn’t appear to be your typical shabby free web page. The original Armpit looked like it came out of the intro of You Can’t Do That On Television, one of my favorite shows ever. Once I realized that Blogger was a better platform for me, I began transcribing my writing over to blogger. What you see in the first year of the archive is only a sampling of what was offered at the original Sexy Armpit site. I’ll continue to post some of the classic articles and reviews that appeared on the site. As always, I greatly appreciate you dropping in and reading about all the NJ pop culture minutiae that I delve into. You can be sure that The Sexy Armpit will be around to celebrate many more birthdays! Thanks again!
NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 26: The Proprietary House
Got Ghosts? The Proprietary House Ghost Tour T-Shirt
The Royal Governor’s mansion in Perth Amboy NJ, also known as The Proprietary House, is the only original Governor’s mansion of the original 13 colonies that is still standing today. New Jersey’s last Royal Governor, William Franklin and his wife, lived there from 1774 – 1776. The mansion was built in 1762, and since that time the Proprietary House has taken on different owners who used the mansion for various purposes. After being home to the Governor, it was a hotel, a resort, a home for disabled ministers, their wives and children of deceased ministers. The building also served as apartments, and a public restaurant, until ownership went to the State of New Jersey. The building is on the National Register of Historic Places, and is maintained by the non-profit Proprietary House Association. www.proprietaryhouse.org
As with many historic buildings like this, an abundance of ghostly activity has been reported throughout the years. Thanks to the concentration of paranormal activity there, every Halloween the Proprietary House and many gracious volunteers put on a Ghost Tour through the spooky old mansion. When I say “old mansion,” I’m not talking about a classic haunted mansion you’d see in a classic horror movie, this is a REAL haunted mansion.
Your average volunteer probably couldn’t handle hosting a group of nearly 40 people on a tour through this rickety old mansion, they’d probably launch themselves out the window mid tour out of fear. Naturally, I’m embellishing a bit, but what makes a tour like this more memorable than running like mad through an insane haunted attraction that employs actors wielding fake chainsaws and breathing down your neck, is that you’ll be in the same spots where actual ghosts have walked. After having so many owners and inhabitants, The Proprietary House has no shortage of spirits materializing in it’s haggard halls.
Many prominent paranormal investigators have visited The Proprietary House. The Ghost Hunters have investigated the building on the SyFy Channel and The Halloween Ghost Tour that I took was hosted by psychic Jane Doherty. Jane’s expanding stomach is her trademark on ghost investigations. When she passes through the path of where the spirit has walked, her stomach expands widely. Doherty informed us that the phenomenon still goes unexplained by her Doctors. Currently, she’s working on a reality TV show called Ghost Chicks, a group of female paranormal investigators. For more info on the show click here: www.ghostchicks.com
Game Night Candy
Recently, Mrs. Sexy Armpit came across quite a unique item while on a routine shopping spree at Target. I was amazed that she found these “Classic Hasbro Games Game Night Candy,” considering I was just thinking how we could really use some candy in the shape of board game pieces for our candy dishes that coincidentally are in the shape of board game pieces as well. Needless to say, it was a brilliant find on her part.
I realize that most of the children consuming this candy won’t be critiquing the companies choice in naming their product, but damn, couldn’t they have shortened the name? How about just Board Game Candy? It’s obvious that the mini cardboard boxes made to look like board games, which are clearly visible through the CLEAR cellophane wrapper, didn’t make their point abundantly clear so they deemed it necessary to have an inordinately descriptive name. Let’s just say they definitely overcompensated on the name to make up for the products shortcomings.
Inside these mini versions of Clue, Monopoly, Life, and Operation, are tiny Pez-like candies in the shape of board game pieces. Comparing this candy to Pez is way too kind, it’s more accurate to say these candies can be used as soap for you action figure’s bathtub. They very badly want to be a Sweet Tart, but the novelty aspect is far superior than the low grade candy itself. As far as this candy being a good choice to snack on during board game night, that’s a definitive NO. If you’re at the store, you’re better off buying a gigantic 34 lb bag of Skittles and hightail it out of there.
I got a little weirded out when I opened the Operation box. The last time I played Operation was nearly 10 years ago during an all night nostalgic board game frenzy. All I know is that there were bones involved, as well as a few other foreign objects, but there was NO frogs or birds that I had to fetch out of the dude’s body. I always felt bad for that creepy guy we’ve been operating on. All us kids have been poking into his body for years and years. If I were him, I’m pretty sure I would have gotten fed up by this point and said “This isn’t what I signed up for,” while my boss at Hasbro replies “actually, this is exactly what you signed up for, I have your 2- stipulation contract right here, 1) eternally nude 2) constantly probed, tweezed, and judged…so you lose!”
As you can see here, the Operation candy included
blue birds and only 2 green frogs, but no bones anywhere!
The Operation Game History at Hasbro.com offered some insight. Unbeknownst to me, Operation was updated in 2008 to add “funatomy” parts. This means nothing to me. Changing anything about a classic game like Operation is like changing the formula to our beloved breakfast cereals. When are these companies going to learn not to f-ck with Trix, Fruit Loops, Fruity Pebbles, and they sure as hell shouldn’t mess with our board games. I can handle the breadbox, butterflies, and whatever other silly objects are in the original game, but birds and frogs? That’s exactly what our youth needs, a game informing them that when people get older and need Operations, all they have to do is remove the birds and frogs that are fluttering and leaping around in the persons body.
Sesame Street’s Linda the Librarian
Sesame Street turns 40 this year and The Sexy Armpit is joining the celebration! Sesame Street’s stake as “must see TV” for young children can be attributed to its fun, furry, and colorful Henson creations, but educational value, continuous innovation and a cast spanning all races has ascended the show to the highest level of quality children’s programming. I’m almost certain that YOU, yes I’m referring to YOU, watched Sesame Street as a child. Some kids were too scared of Muppets like Snuffleupagus or Oscar the Grouch, while others aspired to one day be Super Grover. I guess I was on a lower level of intellect since my sister and I were always more amused by the Yip Yip Martians than anything else on the show. Sesame Street’s educational clips featuring math problems and numbers were actually entertaining to me, but I can’t affirm their effectiveness since I’m miserable at Algebra and anything involving fractions.
Linda Bove and The Fonz
from the Happy Days episode “Allison,” aired in 1980
Sure, we have to praise the Muppets that live on Sesame Street, but we can’t forget the actors who have starred on the show. Thanks to her Wikipedia entry and The Muppet Wiki, I learned more about Linda Bove who played Linda the Librarian. Bove has been one of the most recognized personalities who has brought national attention to the hearing impaired. Linda’s role as the Librarian is the longest recurring deaf character in the history of TV, appearing from 1972-2003. What’s even better is the fact that her Jersey roots are strong, she was born in Garfield, NJ and attended The Marie Katenbach School for the Deaf in Trenton, NJ. In a quote from Muppet Wiki, Linda mentioned that she tried to incorporate other facets of how a deaf person acts into her character instead of the mundane behaviors that the writers were concentrating on. The Sexy Armpit commends Bove for advancing the country’s often stereotypical perception of a deaf person.
NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 25: Asbury Lanes
Pictured above is the official Asbury Lanes T-Shirt, which is available for an affordable $15 bucks at this link: http://www.asburylanes.com/merch.htm
There were a few requirements I had when determining what to do on Halloween night. New Jersey offers an endless amount of options from costume parties to haunted houses, and like Clark Griswold I wanted to ensure the optimum amount of fun for The Sexy Armpit crew.
What were my stipulations? I didn’t want to spend $10 per drink, I didn’t want to drive too far, but I did want to be in a place where I would be recognized for who I dressed up as: the early ’80s version of Macho Man Randy Savage and my girlfriend was Miss Elizabeth. If I went to some snotty upscale place, and believe me, there’s many of those to choose from in Jersey, I would be looked down upon. I like to go places where I feel like I fit in. I narrowed my search down to The Berkeley Oceanfront Hotel which was offering The Shining: Red Rum, Red Rum Party, which would have soaked me $50 bucks at the door. My budget was basically non-existent, so I scratched that one off real quick. The hefty entrance fee was justified though, since winners of their costume contest would win big prize money: Best costume won $1,000 cash! Still, I opted for something more affordable, and more my style. Ultimately, I wound up merely a few blocks away.
In association with Paranormal Books, Asbury Lanes held The Bloodlust Ball. The masquerade’s cover charge was only $15, which included entertainment, snacks, and Halloween candy. For those who haven’t been there, you also have the option to bowl some balls. The vibe was very cool and I knew we were in for a great time as soon as we sat down at the bar. The drinks were priced very reasonably so you wouldn’t have broken your bank if you were out to get tanked. We caught a few minutes of the Yankees game and then I was recognized, “Hey look, that guy is Macho Man!” Throughout the night we received compliments on our costumes and praised other awesome ones as well! We ran into Emma Frost/White Queen, Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride, and even Charles Manson and Sharon Tate. We had a blast and I definitely made the right choice!
Two aspects of The Bloodlust Ball set it apart from the rest of the parties I could have attended. First, DJ Jack the Ripper spun hours of retro ’80s tunes and cranked out tracks that I also have on my iPod like Prince’s “Sexy M.F,” and Whodini’s “The Freaks Come out and Night.” Did I mention the burlesque performers? Our host for the evening was the wickedly entertaining Weirdee Girl, who usually performs in Brooklyn and other venues in New York. Every hour she introduced other burlesque performers, all of whom presented their own unique show. The second performer, Justina Flash of The Gyronauts, put on quite a spectacle. Take a peek at what she does with a flaming hula hoop in this video:
Asbury Lanes
209 4th Avenue
Asbury Park, NJ 07712
Macho Man Randy Savage & Elizabeth: Halloween ’09
For Halloween this year, my girlfriend and I dressed up as Macho Man Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth. We wound up winning 3rd prize in the costume contest at Paranormal Books‘ Bloodlust Ball at Asbury Lanes in Asbury Park, NJ. Photos were taken by Mike McLaughlin and the vintage WWF Superstars logo are property of WWE.
Nocturna Mission #6: The Wandering Bert Collective
The Wandering Bert Collective encompasses the genius works of New Zealand’s David Creighton-Pester. Through the wonders of a Google search and Flickr, I came upon this fantastic illustration of Nocturna! You’ll easily find a million pictures of Wonder Woman or Emma Frost strewn about the Interwebs, but you’ll be hard pressed to find anywhere near that amount of Nocturna, and if you do find some, they’ve most likely been scanned and uploaded by me. Naturally I was excited to find this cool illustration of Nocturna, but I was even more pumped to discover all of David Creighton-Pester’s other work! If you consider yourself a Batman fan you NEED to check out his work because he’s drawn nearly every villain in Batman’s rogues gallery. Check out his Batman Villain Project where you’ll see funky illustrations of everyone from Simon the Pieman to Zebra-Man. While you’re there take a look at all of his original art, photography, and graphic design.
Take a look at his Batman Villain Project on Flickr
and on
The Wandering Bert Collective official site www.wanderingbert.com