The Sexy Armpit’s Guide To The BEST KISS Songs You Should Download Part 1

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Welcome to Part 1 of The Sexy Armpit’s Guide to the BEST KISS songs. While “best Kiss songs” is an oxymoron to some naysayers out there, it IS the premise of this article because Kiss is one of the most iconic and influential rock bands in history. Out of the “long and distinguished” KISS catalog of music, how were these songs chosen? Well, I’ve painstakingly hand picked tracks from each album that I think have withstood the test of time. Is there any personal bias involved? Yes of course. You would think Gene Simmons paid me off to write this entry, but actually, I had to pay him. I’m wiring him the royalties right now. When I finish handing over my bank account to The Demon, I will present you with the BEST KISS tracks in the most fair manner possible.

BUT JAY, there’s not enough Ace and Peter, what’s the deal yo? OK, let me get this out of the way right now: We all know Ace had the best solo album, so I won’t list any tracks from the solo albums here. And I enjoy Peter’s work especially Getaway, Hooligan, and various others. The fact that I’m not gushing about their “underrated” contributions to the KISS albums is just a personal preference. Believe it or not, there’s too many Gene/Paul songs that generally went unnoticed. Trust me…when you’re done amassing your new Kiss collection you’ll be pretending you’re Paul Stanley in front of your mirror pouting your lips and fluffing your hair. Step aside Starchild, it’s time for the countdown…

KISS’ self titled debut from 1974 captures the essence of the band the way they were originally intended. It’s sort of like the first installment of Nightmare on Elm Street, although it didn’t make nearly as much of an impact. 34 years later I can proudly say that you should buy, download, or borrow this album because it will seduce you into the world of KISS. When people hear the band for the first time they are often surprised at some of the melodies, sing along choruses, and hooks. The first album features a lot of that, but also some plain old grungy New York Rock and Roll. Some of the greatest KISS songs of all time are on this album. BEST TRACKS: Deuce, Strutter, Black Diamond

The same year KISS followed up their hard rocking debut with Hotter than Hell. If there was such a thing as “alternative” music in 1974 this album would be considered just that. The music on this album is dark and grungy while still keeping that rock star flair. If you know Gene Simmons from his Family Jewels reality show, you would barely recognize him from listening to him sing on Parasite. This guy sounds so guttural it’s like he’s a crooning werewolf. It’s awesome. Sure, maybe he doesn’t have the greatest “singing” voice, but he’s got a great ROCK voice. He makes you feel the music. Trust me, there are much worse singers out there. The truth is, his voice matches their type of music. It went well with their hard driving, sexual tunes. Paul’s voice went better with the fluffier, pop geared tracks. BEST TRACKS: Hotter Than Hell, Parasite, Got To Choose

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1975’s Dressed to Kill features one of the most offbeat Kiss album covers. After seeing the band flaunt their out of this world costumes on the cover of Hotter Than Hell, here the band is dressed up in suits and standing on a street corner. Dressed to Kill presents Kiss in a much bigger light. It shows a bit of a departure as they seem to go for a trumped up rock star sound. Maybe the album doesn’t have the most thought provoking lyrics, but hey…it’s KISS: “She’s a dancer, a romancer, I’m a Capricorn and she’s a Cancer” need I say more? Personally I love the euphemistic language on “Room Service.” Paul Stanley even helped Anthrax cover “Love Her All I Can.” You also might try to dig up Sebastian Bach’s cover of “Rock Bottom.” BEST TRACKS: Ladies in Waiting, Rock and Roll All Nite (c’mon, it’s a classic!)

Even though KISS ALIVE! was the album that really put them over the top popularity wise, I’m going to skip it since there’s no new material on the album. Although it’s a must have if you’re a fan of live music.
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Destroyer, (1976) showed that KISS could truly create fine pop oriented rock songs. There’s plenty of upbeat, hard driving music on this album which was produced by the late Bob Ezrin. ***(BOB EZRIN is not dead, he let me know that in the comments. Sorry Bob! I confused you with Bruce Fairbairn) With Destroyer, Kiss was solidified as larger than life superheroes. This album also introduced a couple of KISS concert mainstays. BEST TRACKS: Detroit Rock City, King of the Night Time World, God of Thunder, Beth
Also in 1976, Rock and Roll Over, contains the most genius lyric in any song ever created at the start of “Take Me.” We hear Paul Stanley commanding a girl (hopefully) “Put your hand in my pocket, grab onto my rocket.” If I could write stuff like that I wouldn’t be on blogger blogging…I’d be a gazillionaire rock star. BEST TRACKS: Calling Dr. Love, and Mr. Speed (which could easily be covered by Big and Rich or Toby Keith nowadays.)
Come back to The Sexy Armpit tomorrow for the next installment of our Guide to The Best Kiss Songs!
www.SexyArmpit.com

Evel Knievel Roller Coaster at Six Flags – Just Not OUR Six Flags!

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Six Flags in St. Louis unveiled their Evel Knievel roller coaster to the public a little over a month ago. I’m nowhere near St. Louis so when I need my thrill ride fix I head down to Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, New Jersey. At Six Flags in NJ, we have a super fast and smooth wooden coaster called El Toro that opened a couple of years ago. Why couldn’t they just go the St. Louis route and name it after the legendary motorcycle stuntman Evel Knievel? That would’ve been too rad for New Jersey. Last week, Greg from our friends at Half-Assed Productions published an awesome review of the Evel Knievel roller coaster! Check it out here! After reading Greg’s review, boy am I jealous! I want to go to St. Louis just to ride the damn thing!

www.SexyArmpit.com

The Sexy Armpit Has Joined The WWE Fan Nation!

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Sunday was the 20th edition of WWE’s Summerslam Pay Per View. I can’t believe that the first ever Summerslam event is already 20 years old! Damn, I may as well check myself into an old age home! Summerslam ’88 was an awesome event packed with classic WWE moments. Most notably, when Miss Elizabeth ripped away her skirt to leave Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase, and everyone else in the arena stunned. This made way for the Mega Powers to score the victory at Madison Square Garden in New York City. The Mega Powers, the greatest force known to man, paired “The Madness with The Mania.” When Hulk Hogan and Macho Man Randy Savage were together on-screen sparks always flew. They always put on great matches together and cut even better promos. ‘Til this day, no WWE superstar has come close to exuding the outrageous amount of charisma that these two superstars did.

20 years later, after watching Summerslam ’08, I can’t say that the WWE talent quality is at the exact same level but the WWE is still putting on top notch entertainment. The enthralling and dramatic montages WWE creates grab you right off of your couch and suck you right into the story lines. Today’s WWE climate is different, it’s less of a traveling carnival and more of an actual late night soap for guys AND girls, but mostly for kids. The themes WWE hits on are bold, topical, and often times…actually groundbreaking. For example, Chris Jericho is really gonna get his ass beat after accidentally popping Shawn Michaels’ pretty wife right in the mouth. But Shawn didn’t retaliate!?!?!? Now we’re dealing with psyche and morals, not just piledrivers and atomic drops. You might go through your days thinking “Damn, I forgot to pay the electric bill!” while I go through my day thinking “I can’t wait to see Shawn lose his shit and go ballistic on Jericho!” I’m pretty sure that means they’re doing a great job.

You won’t hear many TV critics or pop culture gurus giving any props to Vince McMahon and the WWE. It’ll probably continue like that until Vince McMahon kicks the bucket, and I mean for real this time! Not like the time he got into his limo and it exploded. They struck that from the record, so you should too! Just go with it, don’t ask too many questions. Let yourself be entertained. Stop being so pretentious. We’re all very similar in our makeup and WWE puts on a show that everyone can enjoy. Well, maybe not through the entire RAW broadcast, but at least when Santino Marella is out there. And Cody Rhodes! And if you can’t enjoy the hot looking WWE Divas, you’re out of your mind.

WWE has had some exciting developments. Recently they welcomed actor Freddie Prinze Jr. to their writing staff and they also unveiled their new social networking site called THE WWE FAN NATION. For a few months I’ve been hearing about this site during RAW and SMACKDOWN. Like all new Internet gimmicks my first instinct was to ignore it, but like the thought of Miss Elizabeth tearing away her skirt for my 8 year old eyes to see, it enticed me. If you’re a WWE fan, F–K Twitter, why not join the WWE Fan Nation? It’s basically WWE’s answer to MySpace. Click here to check out The Sexy Armpit’s slice of it.

Don’t feel like joining the Fan Nation? Well then, here’s a choose your own Sexy Armpit Adventure:

My “coverage” of last year’s Summerslam blogging from my cell phone live from the Continental Airlines Arena (now the Izod Center) in East Rutherford, New Jersey.

Here’s the Main Event from Summerslam ’88 which I found on You Tube. For all of you impatient, horny Miss Elizabeth fans out there, fast forward to 6:42!

www.SexyArmpit.com

Phucked Up iPhone Phlub

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I guess me and iPhone were not meant to be, at least for now.

On Friday I was feeling a little wacky, perhaps impulsive. I was overcome with an urge to get an iPhone. When the original iPhone came out I didn’t feel like being my usual pretentious “early adopter” self. I exhibited restraint, took a deep breath, and calmed my impatience. I told myself to wait it out, especially since the prices were extremely high. Another reason why I held off was because I had just taken advantage of my upgrade offer from AT&T and purchased the Samsung Blackjack. I wasn’t too fond of it, but to me it was the best of the worst. That Blackjack has since bit the dust and now resides in the great cell site in the sky. Actually, I jumped in the pool at Harrah’s Atlantic City, forgetting that I had it in my pocket! That really sucked. Considering I had to replace it for close to $300 bucks!
Traditionally, I hate all phones that are released from every company. Bitter is a nice way of describing my feelings toward all cell phones in existence so I was hoping that the iPhone would finally be the Christmas spirit to my Skeletor. I could list 500 reasons why all cell phones suck but that would get repetitive and just plain silly toward the end. The hope, the light at the end of the tunnel for me will be the iPhone. If not, I’ll be doomed to have shitty phones for the rest of my life and I’ll continue to hate on all cell phone manufacturers for distributing such crap.

Friday was going to be my day. I was pumped. I knew I wasn’t eligible for an upgrade until November 1st but after spending a lifetime on the phone with ATT customer service, I swindled an early upgrade. Once I got to the store they said “Sorry sir, your early upgrade doesn’t qualify for the iPhone.” Well gee I wish they would’ve freakin’ told me that while I was waiting on hold for an eternity to get a customer service rep to grant me an early upgrade. They basically cockblocked me. How does it make sense for AT&T NOT to sell me the iPhone? My upgrade date was modified so it was actually NOW and they wouldn’t sell me the iPhone!

Here’s how their stupidity breaks down: My plan right now is $39.99 and once all the taxes, and extra charges for text messaging factor in, my bill is about $60 – $65 dollars a month.
If I got the iPhone the plans for phone and text messaging and internet would run me at the very least $100 a month. That’s 40 extra dollars a month that I’d be giving to AT&T! $480 in a year is way more than I’d even spend on any phone. They were going to let me upgrade to a different phone which could’ve been as expensive as the iphone such as a Blackberry or another top of the line smartphone. Don’t you think that they should just sell me the iPhone at $200 instead of plain flat out letting me walk out of the store without shelling out any money?

They really wanted me to buy the iPhone at regular price which is still in my opinion too expensive. No, scratch that…the iPhone is probably worth spending all that money. But all the times I paid full price for shitty phones cancels out my desire for shelling out loads of cash for phones in the future. Let’s hope they don’t give me any shit in November when I’m “officially” eligible for an upgrade. If not, someone’s gonna get upgraded to a nice, sleek, punch in the face.
www.SexyArmpit.com

Harrah’s Phone Sex Customer Service Center

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I experienced another strange moment in Atlantic City recently. I was attempting to cancel a reservation I had at one of the hotels so I got my card, glanced at the phone number, and dialed.
What I was expecting to hear was “Thank you for calling Harrah’s Entertainment reservation services” in an overly exuberant female voice. This is basically the one stop phone call you need to make if you need some customer service regarding the various Harrah’s owned hotels. To prove that this isn’t made up, that number is 1(800)473-9273. Being the inebriated guy that I was was that night I lackadaisically punched in 1(800) 473-9277 into my phone instead.

“mmmm get it hot and wet with the naughtiest girls around…ooooh just sit back relax and whip it out baby!”

I had quite a few Amstel Lights at that point and I lacked the proper amount of brain capacity to realize that I dialed the wrong number. Naturally, my mind had wandered a little bit.

“mmm uhhh all calls $1.99 – $5.99 per minute!”

Are they freaking out of their minds? Once the sexy voice elaborated on the pricing options “$7.99 for all one on one and virtual chat sessions,” that is when I felt like I was hit in the head with one of the phone sex operator’s giant dildos. But I actually wasn’t hit with it. It was actually the realization that I needed to be on the phone with Harrah’s, not some overpriced phone sex line. Harrah’s didn’t mention anything in their F.A.Q to beware of similiar phone numbers. It’s kind of like the guy who buys similiar domain names to the popular ones and hordes all of the erroneous traffic.

Is this sex line trying to prey on drunken Atlantic City goers? Are they assuming that they’ll misdial and fall into the trap of the $5.99 per minute phone sex line? Well, I didn’t fall for it, I snapped out of the “Dream Weaver” sequence that was going on in the cloud to the left of my head and immediately hung up. It’s common practice for me to scratch my head and say “What the hell?” when stuff like this happens. Most times when you dial the wrong number you wind up just getting some unsuspecting common person. This obviously is not the case when dialing the wrong number to a gambling establishment! They’ll suck you right in. There’s a lot of shmucky guys that would totally buy into that. Personally, I don’t need a phone sex line to assist me in my quest, especially when their charging such astronomical amounts of money! Up to $5.99 per minute? WTF? Gas per gallon isn’t even that much!

I bet every combination (look they got me..I just said “I bet”) of wrong #s to that service center will lead to 1) get yourself out of debt schemes, 2) timeshare sales 3) and more phone sex lines. Take my advice, don’t be weak and get sucked in. Go get sucked for real. If you don’t, you might wind up on the line with the woman at the end of the Aerosmith video!!!

I’ll have you know, this is not the first time this happened either! Click here to read about the last time this happened to me!

www.SexyArmpit.com

Poison, Dokken, and Sebastian Bach at The PNC Bank Arts Center Review 8/12/2008

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There’s only one band who puts on a live show that successfully transports you back to 1988, and that’s Poison. Their tour has been a summer tradition for years now and they take along other bands of the genre. I wasn’t even planning on going to the Poison show in Holmdel, N.J, because I’ve seen them so many times and their show doesn’t change much. As the date the got closer I knew it was going to be a blast so I caved and wound up getting tickets anyway.

Truthfully, Poison never fails to launch the audience far into the stratosphere. They give us what we expect and it’s both a pro and a con that Poison plays songs that everyone knows. There isn’t one song that people go to the bathroom for. Fallen Angel..check…Ride The Wind…check…etc. It’s worth mentioning that Poison doesn’t have many “bathroom songs” unlike when I’m watching a WWE pay per view and there’s almost always a “bathroom match.” I would like to hear some of the lesser heard songs from their best album “Look What the Cat Dragged In,” but that never happens because Poison wants you to be familiar, on your feet, and rocking out for their entire performance. From my favorite song of theirs “Look What The Cat Dragged In,” all the way to “Unskinny Bop” they rocked the PNC bank Arts Center six ways from Sunday.

What happened to the sleazy, sexual, L.A party rock Poison used to be known for? Well, as they showed last night, they still play it proudly. Unlike most bands from the ’80s hairband era, Poison’s sound hasn’t diminished one bit. Critics have always shit on Poison and other bands from that time, and it’s unfair. Who’s selling out amphitheaters every summer? Who’s gaining new fans young and old every day? “Hey Poison, Nintendo called and they want to use ‘Nothin’ But a Good Time’ for their Wii commercial…how’d ya like several million dollars for that deal?” This band is no joke and the naysayers need to realize it. How long does it take exactly to start respecting a hard working band? Pretty damn long I guess. Kiss has been rocking since 1974 and they still get no respect. It doesn’t matter, snobby critics will kneel to the God of Thunder in due time!

The Arts Center was jammed when Poison hit the stage and ripped into their set. They played all their big songs and even The Romantics “What I like About You” from their their latest album of covers called Poison’d. During the show Bret Michaels dedicated “Something To Believe In” to the troops overseas. After the song, he complimented the crowd on how in sync our hand sways were. At least we’re good for something here in Jersey! And SOLOS, we can’t forget the solos! CC’s a shredder there’s no doubt and his solo proved it, but Rikki Rockett needs to be commended for his incredible drum solo. Rikki began at his kit bashing away and then ended doing a New York street corner style beat fest while sitting on a wooden box that he tapped with his hands. The legion of people were totally into it.

A mark of Poison’s enduring popularity is the fact that Poison packed the house while openers Sebastian Bach and Dokken both played to half of the fans. Sebastian Bach is not only a local guy (who lives literally 5 minutes from the venue) but he’s also a Rock Icon in his own right. Alot of rock fans lost respect for him over the years but I like him because he’s original and he doesn’t give a fuck what people think. Serious metal fans from that time would consider Sebastian Bach more of a formidable rock force than Poison will ever be. With classic songs like “Monkey Business,” and “Youth Gone Wild,” Bach has solidified himself in rock history as one of the greatest frontmen of all rock bands. Trust me, you’d want Baz to be the lead singer of your band! Sure Bret Michaels has a pretty face, but Baz has pipes that will clothesline the shit out of any other singer in existence. Even though years have passed, he still has one of the strongest sets of vocal cords ever. If Sebastian Bach was trying out for American Idol other contestants may as well walk home because he’d annihilate them with his powerful, dominant voice.

I waltzed in and got to hear Bach’s cover of “Back in the Saddle” and kickass rendition of Skid Row’s “Here I Am.” Unfortunately, the Jersey crowd sucked for Bach! What an embarrassment, we’re in Jersey! It’s his home town and the lame crowd isn’t into it. Unless the laymen aren’t hearing the huge hits like 18 and life, and Youth Gone Wild they sit there like humps. “C’mon get your fat asses outta those seats!” Bach yelled. This guy is pouring his heart and lungs out for us to be entertained and these uptight Jersey folks are there because they think Bret Michaels is hot…you know, “That guy from Rock of Love.” (What a shame that he’s now more popular for being on a cheesy reality show on VH1 no less.) One of the highlights of Baz’s performance was “Love is a Bitchslap” from hist latest album Angel Down. Oh yeah, and when gave a big FUCK YOU to all the people who were still in the parking lot!!!

Dokken, who was bestowed with the honor of actually opening for Poison, showed that they need some motivation juice. That Red Bull can that Don Dokken was sipping from didn’t prove to be enough to make Dokken play with the gall that Sebastian Bach did. I was looking forward to Rokken with Dokken, and they didn’t blow me away at all. Don Dokken couldn’t hit those high notes especially in Dream Warriors. Overall though, they were decent. I don’t think people realize just how many great songs Dokken has. They played so many of them last night including “In My Dreams,” “Tooth and Nail,” and “Kiss of Death.” Let’s be fair though, Dokken has been rokken for over 30 years! Give them credit that there still making new material. Or should I say Don Dokken, since he’s the only original member. I’ll definitely tell you that it was fun as hell getting to say Bach and Dokken, Bachen with Dokken, Dokken with Bachen…etc. I find I say all kinds of wacky things when I’m loaded!

You can call it a throwback or nostalgia but Poison still rocks, I just wish they’d release some new music because they’re more than capable of scoring a modern hit. If you ever have the opportunity to see a Poison show and you’re having second thoughts…by all means GO! If you were around since the days of the Glam Slam Metal Jam then you know what I’m talking about!

**Be sure to check out my friend and blogger Hell On High Heels who passionately reports on hairbands, rock shows, and reviews music HERE. Join her on her quest to bring back guitar solos!

www.SexyArmpit.com

Bruce Springsteen & The E-Street Band Playing Super Bowl Halftime Show?

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Ok so I’m a little behind keeping up with the rumor mill. A couple of days ago, The New York Post reported that Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band will be playing this year’s Super Bowl halftime show. This sounds like a great idea but I don’t think anyone can surpass last year’s performance by Prince. So many of the halftime shows get so hyped up and then turn out to be less than mediocre.

In other music news:
I’ll have a review of last night’s Poison/Dokken/Sebastian Bach show later tonight.

www.SexyArmpit.com

Two-Face Cameo In Dead Heat?

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While checking out the archives at Nightchillers Rare Music blog, I saw a movie mentioned that jogged my memory. Dead Heat, (1988) is a buddy cop movie in the vein of 48 hours and Lethal Weapon, but done ZOMBIE STYLE! The film stars cult hero Treat Williams, an actor who I’m surprised hasn’t had a book written about him similar to The Truth About Chuck Norris. We also get to see Jersey boy Joe Piscopo star as Treat Williams partner, Doug Bigelow. Sure, some of the SFX are dated but that’s part of the charm. It’s the type of comedy/shocker that we really don’t see made anymore. If you want to relive some great ’80s late night cable memories then definitely pick up a copy of Dead Heat. Cheesy jokes, reanimated corpses, and Joe Piscopo…how can you go wrong? I haven’t watched this movie since I was a kid so I popped it in the other day and had a moderate revelation. Treat Williams was the first on-screen Two-Face!


It’s undeniable if you ask me! Of course Treat Williams didn’t actually play Harvey Dent, he played Detective Roger Mortis, but I’ll be damned if the makeup artist wasn’t a huge Batman fan! Be sure to look out for appearances by Darren McGavin, Toru Tanaka, Martha Quinn, and VINCENT PRICE!

www.SexyArmpit.com

Our Trip to Monster Miniature Golf

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As sports go, I’ve never been truly good at any of them. I have my moments in basketball but my talents are better suited for thinking of outlandish ideas and growing slimy Captain America’s in my kitchen.

I always thought I was above “par” at miniature golf, but that one got shot down the other night when The Sexy Armpit took a trip to Monster Mini Golf in Fairfield New Jersey. I discovered this place on a Google search with my boss during lunch at work. We were thinking out loud and wondered if any indoor miniature golf places existed in New Jersey. What if it was raining one night and we just had an urge to go mini golfing? Damn, we’d be shit out of luck! So, as Google always does, it came back with plenty of helpful search results.

To my surprise, one of the results lead to Monster Mini Golf which looked awesome. I couldn’t believe I never heard of it before. Apparently it’s a chain across the country. Monster Mini Golf is basically the miniature golf version of a dark ride. I don’t see how anyone could not think that is one of the coolest things ever invented. It’s right up there with the advent of Peanut Butter and Jelly.

Not enough places take the time and effort into making their establishment original. Remember the quirky places you loved as a kid? Between the Showbiz Pizza places and Razmatazz, they all had charm. After a while there wasn’t one place that was brave enough to stand out. What happened to the “show,” and the “spectacle?” I think all people, especially kids need to escape the real world and be reminded that life is fun, not all business. I love the over the top animatronics and spooky displays that you see in dark rides and in amusement parks. It’s a mystery to me how we don’t have a place inspired by Magic Kingdom in the tri-state area. Besides Great Adventure, Sesame Place, and Chuck E. Cheese there’s nowhere to bring your kids for a fun time. Until now.

Finally there’s a place that reminds me of the type of place I loved to go to as a kid. Monster Mini Golf is the kind of place that makes a kid’s jaw hang open in awe for a while. I’ve posted a few pictures of some of the phantasmic displays you’ll see as you’re trying to put the ball in the hole in under 5 attempts. (Something I occasionally had difficulty with.) I’m usually easily amused by glow in the dark stuff and blacklights, so perhaps I was distracted?

When you’re finished with the game you can head over to the game room and play some air hockey, shoot hoops, and even get a taste of the boardwalk with some ski-ball. All the games will spit out some tickets that you can cash in for some creepy little monster toys. We all opted for the Goblin rings. We were a few points shy, but the the guy at the desk was nice enough to give us all rings anyway.

This trip was a lot of fun and if you live far from Fairfield, N.J, I recommend you plan a little trip to Route 46. You won’t be disappointed, and afterward there’s no shortage of restaurants and malls in the surrounding area. Go with a group or bring your kids and you’re sure to have a good time without spending a lot of money. If you’re apprehensive to take a far ride, then at the very least you should plan to go before Halloween. It’s one of those places that definitely has personality, and I commend the owners for being brave enough to open one in New Jersey and for having such a courteous, helpful staff.

Also, you may want to stop by Jose Tejas after the big game for some Tejas Chicken. They are the best Tex-Mex restaurant in existence and it’s authentic atmosphere will make you feel like you’re in From Dusk Til’ Dawn or something. Ever wonder about the “meat on a stick” conversation in There’s Something About Mary? Well, Jose Tejas listened and created boneless chicken on a stick with a semi-hot buffalo type sauce. After a knock down, drag out game of Monster mini-golf, they were a perfect way to end the night.
With my silly little Sony Cybershot camera I took some video and edited it up real nice for you! Take a look and leave a comment if you enjoy it! Perhaps next time I’ll take a crack at Women’s Beach Volleyball?

 

www.SexyArmpit.com

NJ to the World: “We Apologize for Breeding the Jonas Brothers”

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Throughout time the world has seen a shitload of carnage, but none of it is comparable to the fact that The Jonas Brothers exist.

These dumb-haired, overly preppy, Miley Cyrus bangers could possibly be the most pretentious trio ever to exist. Even though they appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone, they’re the antithesis of Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll. The world needs some danger and these guys are not helping the cause. Shame on Rolling Stone for selling out! Sure I get it, R.S wanted all the parents to make a mad run to the news stand to horde several copies for each of their tweens.

The Jonas Brothers are from Wykoff, N.J (median income: $103,614) which is one of the ritzier towns in New Jersey. For this I apologize. It’s probable that these guys lived a sheltered, spoon fed upbringing. These guys lack edge now but when they get a little older and realize that Hollywood is treating them like yesterdays garbage then the drugs and depression will set in. We’ll see how cheerful, positive, and family friendly they remain after they can’t even get into certain restaurants that even Andy Dick gets rez’s at. Some people thought The Two Corey’s were down and out but A&E still gave them a reality show so the Jonas Brothers shouldn’t lose all hope. Oh wait I forgot, The Two Corey’s was cancelled. Let’s face it, NKOTB seem dark and brooding compared to the Jonas brothers.
The Jonas Brothers are an absolutely awful representation of what it means to be from New Jersey. In fact, these guys may as well have been born in Virginia because they’re rich, spoiled kids who didn’t even attend public school. The Jonas Brothers were home schooled. I’ve always found that the home schooled kids have parents who are so egotistical that they think they could do a better job teaching their children than an entire staff of qualified, intelligent, professional educators. Something tells me the reason why towns and cities employ a full staff of administrators and teachers is so parents don’t have to take on the huge burden themselves.

Were the Jon”ass” brothers parents so afraid of what is out there? Did they think their soft, effeminate, blessed Brothers Jonass were going to get made fun of or be mauled by the Jersey Devil? I sure as hell know that these 3 would’ve been eaten alive if they went to my middle school or high school. Something tells me that the Jonas family thought that the outside world would lead the Jonas brothers down the wrong path. In actuality, it’s the rich, overly religious folks that WE need to be scared of. Want evidence? Just look at their offspring!

Read the following interesting tidbits from the Jonas Brothers’ WIKIPEDIA entry:

Personal lives
The Jonas’s are known for their wholesome, family-friendly image. The brothers are all committed Evangelical Christians, their father is a former pastor, and they were homeschooled by their mother. In addition, they all famously wear purity rings on
their left-hand ring finger and have vowed not to have premarital sex. Joe has said that the rings symbolize “a promise to ourselves and to God that we’ll stay pure ’till marriage,” and Nick had stated that “it’s [purity rings] pretty awesome, and the rings are just one of our ways of kind of like being different than everybody else out there.” They started wearing the rings when their parents, Denise and Kevin Sr., asked them if they wanted to.[60]
They also abstain from alcohol, tobacco, and drugs.[61]

Philanthropy
The Jonas Brothers earned about $12 million in 2007, and have donated 10% of their
earnings to their charity, Change for the Children Foundation.[62][63]

Purity Rings? Puh-lease! I can almost see it, years from now they’ll be bribing paparazzi to take pictures of them. The Sexy Armpit to the Jonas Brothers: “Grow some f–king balls, you’re from NEW JERSEY you pansies!” How do you expect us to uphold our reputation when you’re putting on “prom themed” concerts? I wonder if these guys have ever experienced anything real? My prescription to them is to sit in 3 hours of gridlock N.J traffic and then get into a fight just because you feel like it. After I give you all swift kicks in the stomach, then perhaps you could steal a 40, shave your heads, and stop being so freaking lame.

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