Gross Observations 3: Perverted, Sex, Porn Edition

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Not since the dark times…not since the Empire have I done an installment of Gross Observations. It’s been a while so here’s a brand new one for you! If you didn’t get to read the the first 2 installments then by all means click on these links to be magically transported right to them! Gross Observations 1, Gross Observations 2: Holiday Edition ’07.

What I want to know is…who’s the guy who’s getting a girl off using veggies? It’s just not a turn on for me. Either way, is it HIS turn on or HERS? Like George Carlin used to say, “these are the kinds of things that kept me out of the really good schools.”

CREEP: “Hey sweetie, I’m going to do something extra special for you tonight!”

SKANK: “Oh yeah, well then you better mean that you’re taking me straight to the produce department.”
CREEP: Sure honey, cucumbers, zucchini, whatever you want! it’s your night!

If you wind up scoring with a girl who’s a whore wouldn’t that be considered “Scwhoring?”

Is it just me, or do you find it a little uncomfortable when another guy decides to strike up a conversation in the john? You know, the kind of conversation that doesn’t end with a one word answer! These assholes really want to get in-depth! Talk about an inopportune time.

I’m sick of hearing from other guys how abnormal it is that I don’t like girls who have overinflated basketballs for boobs. I’ll take the A cup over the D+ cup any day. I’m fairly sure that there’s a report card correlation there as well. I keed, I keed. All women with big boobs are smart, you know that!

I’m always eating poppy seed bagels and so many people comment to me that poppy seeds don’t have a taste, but I totally think they do so F off. In addition to their mellow taste, among other uses, the poppy was considered an aphrodisiac.

One time while on an image search for “The Hole,” a movie starring the girl who’s unaware she’s my fiance, Keira Knightley, I saw a picture of a girl sans pants and underwear with her legs up. This usually is par for the course in an image search but this pic was different. I looked closer and noticed that the chick had a black jagged circle design tattooed around her anus. What possesses these people to do such stupid crap? Aside from having a tattoo artist handle your rear entrance for an extended period of time, you would think that it might hurt…just a little?!?! Ya think?

Another time as I was navigating the interweb, not doing anything abnormal, I actually saw a headline on a video site that read “Young hottie forced to chop firewood naked.” What the hell? Is this a scenario that you look for in your online porn? Chopping is not an action that I think about when I’m fantasizing. CHOPPING WOOD? That isn’t the best choice of words when you’re trying to enjoy yourself. “Young hottie” is a good way to end that sentence. Chopping firewood naked? Way to set the stage. That doesn’t even make sense. Why would she have to do that anyway? I don’t find that arousing. It kinda makes me feel bad that this girl is going through all that work just because one guy, Walter, in Montana has a firewood chopping fetish. Or he’s out of firewood and after he banged his girlfriend she offered to go chop some wood for the fire. She forgot to put her clothes on. She better chop the shit out of that wood. She’s freezing her ass off and wants to get inside by the fire.

Ever notice how these sex sites refer to some skanky ass, gross, makeup smeared girl as alluring?? She looks like she just vomited up the Titanic. Not the DVD, the actual SHIP itself. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then think Courntey Love after she was mauled by pitbulls and had an aluminum bat shoved down her throat.

You know when you’ve got to pee really bad but for some reason you can’t undo your pants button or zipper? You begin to panic because you’re really preparing to piss yourself. Usually the zipper will finally work at the very last millisecond. How can a grown man have this problem? I really believe that our bladders have GPS and sense where toilets are and just release. When we’re all filled up I don’t think our brain has much say in the matter.

This is a question for any male SexyArmpit.com visitors. Who gets aroused looking at a woman trying to shove a bowling pin up her snatch? Really, who seeks this kind of thing out? It would make sense if it was a guy who was bowling obsessed but otherwise I don’t know who the hell would want to look at that crap. In the immortal words of Al Bundy: “Steeee-Rike!”

www.SexyArmpit.com

Are You Wet Yet?

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Don’t ask what company this truck belongs to because I have no idea. All I know is, they have a very eye catching motto on the back of their truck. “Are You Wet Yet.” I got the impression that they mean business because there’s no question mark at the end of that shit. After I saw this I guess my mind veered off for a second because I found myself about to answer the question, and then I realized I wasn’t able to get in on that type of action unless I had some surgery. Whatever company it is, I give them credit for having the balls to put this tag line on the back of their trucks! Leave it to the hornballs in New Jersey! I guess it wouldn’t be much worse if I had “The Sexy Armpit” written on the back of my car. The license plate has been censored to protect the innocent.

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New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.1

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Referred to in the film Mallrats as “The Dirt Mall,” the defunct US1 Flea Market was a notorious local landmark. Why is footage of a plain old indoor Flea Market such a great pop culture moment? Well, if you’re from the central part of New Jersey you’ve probably shopped there many times. Jersey boy Kevin Smith proudly or perhaps not so proudly displayed this
flea market. Now, not only New Jersey nostalgia buffs but all moviegoers can see it. Thankfully, I’ll never forget how this place looked because the US1 Flea Market in New Brunswick, New Jersey will forever be emblazoned on DVD! Thanks Silent Bob, Snootchie Bootchies! (berzerker attack)

When I was a kid in the ’80s (gosh such a long time ago! lol) it was a big treat to come shopping at the US1 Flea Market because I knew I would most likely get some sort of collectible, or “way out there” addition to my collection. It was possible to go in there with the $10 allowance money I had saved up and leave with a bag of random stuff. I remember one time I came home with a Samantha Fox poster, and a 3-D G.I Joe comic book among other cool schwag. Not too bad for a kid about 7 years old. Bless my parents for having such a libidinous, well read boy…well at least in 3-D.

Maybe Smith was making a statement about the shift in consumerism? In contrast to the beautiful sparkling malls that began to emerge in the late ’80s and early ’90s, this old flea market seems almost archaic. Better or worse, indoor malls changed shopping for all of us! No longer was I able to pick up comic books, rock music pins for my jean jacket, and KISS t-shirts all for $10 bucks or less in the same building. Since then, malls in my area have always failed to impress me. Throughout the years it’s been an uphill battle to keep a comic store in business in our local malls. It always seemed like they weren’t able to pay the high rent. Immediately, children’s clothing stores and nail salons would snatch up the empty space. What other way were we supposed to buy vintage collectibles, toys, and posters of Susanna Hoffs? What if my Real Ghostbusters pencil with the Slimer pencil topper broke and I needed a new one? Malls by us didn’t always carry obscure stuff, so without the flea market we had to look out for a garage sale or an ad in a newspaper. That was too much work! Boy am I glad the Internet decided to weasel its way into our lives!

The site of the old US1 Flea Market is now an AMC 18-plex Movie Theater that I’ve gone to frequently since it opened. I actually worked there a few times too since it owned the Menlo Park Mall theater which I worked at for several years. It’s a nice place if you could get past the corpse buried in the parking lot.

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RIFF The Music Trivia DVD Game Review

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It’s possible you might spend up to 3 hours intensely debating which singers left their bands to become actors. It could seem mind blowing to find out that Tupac was murdered before the advent of Napster. Did the lyric to that song contain the word BLEED or BREATHE? It all seems inconsequential, but not if you’re a hard core music fiend or just an avid trivia buff. I consider myself both and if you’re anything like me then I totally recommend purchasing RIFF, The Music Trivia DVD game.

Unfortunately they aren’t paying me or giving me a kickback to promote their game but it’s one of the better games that has been released in the past few years. I’ve had this game for a couple of years already and each time I play it debates and heated discussions take place. Music trivia games tend not to have a high re-playability factor and usually DVD games get old quick. With DVD games it’s typical to get repeat questions and play the game once or twice and never play it again. If you’re playing with a group or your significant other RIFF will surprise you by how fun it is. Depending on the level of useless knowledge you retain, some of the questions may seem excruciatingly hard while others may seem so easy that Vince Clortho could blow through them without any prodding from Egon. You’ll be put to the test with all different kinds of questions dealing with everything from Heavy Metal and Gospel, to album covers and song lyrics.

One reviewer on the Target site complained that the game repeats itself, but that isn’t always accurate. I’ve played the game a ton of times and only had a handful of repeat questions. When you’re working with a DVD game you’re bound to have a repeat. After your hard fought victory you can walk the halls of Hard Rock Café’s ROCK VAULT which is a cool feature that displays pictures and trivia from Hard Rock’s collection of memorabilia. I find Riff to be as engaging as Scene It and it can definitely stand up with the big boys like Trivial Pursuit. Riff is a must have for music fans so track it down if you can and let me know what you think!

www.SexyArmpit.com

Lost Boys: The Tribe: Movie Sucks, Corey Feldman Wins, and Film References Galore!

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“Better late than never” movie sequels seem to be the latest trend in Hollywood. In the past couple of years we’ve had to deal with sequels to movies like Rocky, and Indiana Jones, both of which were 15 years tardy. It’s not to say these films aren’t without merit. Personally I get excited when a film gets released after its franchise has been missing from theaters for close to a score. You can imagine the hefty amount of anticipation that builds up. What if the movie sucks after this huge gap of time? All that anticipation morphs together into one huge glowing energy ball and launches itself out of my stomach and rips right through the movie screen. Well, not exactly but it would actually be better if the ball traveled to the movie studios and knocked these stupid film producers right on their asses. They have no sense sometimes.

Did you ever think you were going to see a sequel to Better off Dead? Probably not, right? Well 23 years after the film was in theaters is a better time than any I’d say. Why not a sequel to The Secret of My Success (1987) while we’re at it? Or Real Genius? Any movie is fair game. The big wigs in Hollywood are so asinine that they think a lame unrelated sequel to an old school franchise is automatically going to be successful. That unfortunately isn’t the case and I’ll speak for the greater population while I say that we’d all like some new and refreshing plots and engaging films. Did you ever think of how scared movie producers are to invest their money? A smart way to sell them an original script is by saying they could package their movie as “Wes Craven Presents” or as “The Lost Boys: The Tribe” like today’s shameful example. The film was 21 years too late but lucky for us it only sucked about 90 minutes of our time away from our lives. Shit, I almost became a vampire by watching it because it sucked so much life out of me. Oh yeah…and it just sucked in general.

I’m a loyal fan of the first Lost Boys, and seeing it in theaters when it was released really had an impact on me. I would say that regardless of how many Universal horror films and Dracula movies I watched as a kid, that The Lost Boys started my fascination with vampires. That’s a heavy load to carry…a load that smells like Frog juice (for those of you with a wet bar: mix raw egg, garlic, and holy water).

Lost Boys: The Tribe was a lame excuse for a sequel. It basically just used the name “Lost Boys” and the character of Edgar Frog played by Corey Feldman. The rest of it is “The O.C meets The Lost Boys.” The characters, especially the villains, get killed off quickly and we don’t even get much of a chance to love them or hate them. The introduction of Edgar Frog seems uneven in the film. Personally I think the script was written as a typical vampire film and then reworked after the producers lured The Feldster back in the mix. Well who cares, as long as Corey Feldman is back! He’s the man in this film and the highlight of the entire movie. He looks like he’s having a lot of fun playing Edgar Frog again and it’s a damn shame that he doesn’t have, at the very least, the success of his Goonies counterpart Sean Astin.

Speaking of The Goonies, utter suckyness aside, Lost Boys the Tribe spent a lot of time referencing a bunch of films. The blatant references became ridiculous at times. It seemed like the filmmakers wanted to name drop movies to be cool with the hipsters. You know those people…the ones who latch onto things way too late but they think they discovered something new.

Here’s a list of movie references from Lost Boys: The Tribe

10:12 Yes, The Tribe references…wait for it…The Lost Boys! There’s a short montage reminiscent of one in the original where various “strange” people around town are shown. This guy is clearly supposed to represent how Tim Cappello’s (greased up sax player singing “I Still Believe”) character would look 20 years later. The Tribe only wishes they had something as cool as a greased up WWE looking sax player singing that badass song. It would’ve worked wonders. If The Tribe is a hideous zit, then greasy Tim Cappello is the Clearasil.

13:23 “…Yes leave our address at the creepy Texas Chainsaw Massacre trailer, it’s a good plan”
17:11 Besides Corey Feldman’s flawless performance, this reference is the films only saving grace: “You mean to say the two of you have never heard of The Goonies? You are in for a very serious treat.” Truer words were never spoken! Maybe 17 minutes into the film the DVD player actually just starts playing The Goonies instead and Lost Boys The Tribe was actually all a big joke! That’s marketing genius. Let’s sell more copies of The Goonies! I wonder if the same people who made Vice Versa and Trading Places feel like making “Edgar Frog meets Clark “Mouth” Devereaux?” If so then I’m offering to direct it.
18:48 “…ties the whole room together kinda like that rug in The Big Lebowski”
1:00:39 You don’t get much more blatant than this: “Warriors! Come out to Play-ay!”
1:10:12 While it’s not really a movie, I had to throw it in: “That’s still something I can see on my Girls Gone Wild Box Set…”

All the movie references in the world wouldn’t have saved this piece of trash, even Haim’s bizarre appearance in an alternate ending. Please, someone important hire Corey Feldman so he can finally get his due! And get all of us who watched Lost Boys: The Tribe a mind wipe from that Haitian guy on Heroes so we won’t have to remember sitting through it.

www.SexyArmpit.com

Bubba Shelby: Artist by Day, Toy Collector by Night!

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Yeah, I knew you would like that one! The illustration above shows the awe and anticipation most of us felt for the Batman movies! This piece was done by friend and fellow blogger extraordinaire Bubba Shelby. He maintains several blogs such as my personal favorite, Toyriffic! and he also displays his art at bubbashelby.blogspot.com. His sketches and illustrations are bright, fun to look at, and filled with personality. Go there and you’ll see his Supergirl/Batgirl hybrid, his take on the ’60s Batmobile, and even Zatanna! If you’re not much of a fanboy then don’t worry! His subject matter doesn’t only include superheroes, you’ll also see some of his original characters and sketches as well. In the last couple of years he’s posted so many awesome illustrations that you’ll want to go through his entire archive! So pay him a visit Sexy Armpit style! Here’s 2 of my favorites:

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Anthony Michael Hall Should Play The Creeper

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I went to see The Dark Knight for a second time last night. It was every bit as engrossing as the first time I saw it, although it couldn’t hold a candle to the Imax Experience! As I walked out of the theater I thought that with all the fervor surrounding The Dark Knight there’s not as much speculation on the internet as I thought about who will be the next Batman villains.

I’m pulling for Ra’s Al Ghul to use Talia to lead Batman back to him for revenge. Hopefully this time around he’ll have discovered the Lazarus Pit and he’ll be more demonic. Aside from the source material, Ra’s was never portrayed better than in the animated series. If that doesn’t pan out I went through all of the Batman rogues gallery and have come up with a few characters to add to my want list. The most probable would be Dr. Hugo Strange, Anarky, and coming out of left field is the hot piece of pale ass, Nocturna.

Who would I like to see make an appearance the most? The Creeper! Jack Ryder WAS a talk show host much like Mike Engel from The Dark Knight. The name Mike Engel definitely doesn’t sound like Jack Ryder. It’s not spelled like Jack Ryder either, but perhaps Engel goes into hiding because he’s so scared of the Joker and goes so far as to change his name to keep the Joker from finding him. Stranger things have happened in comic books. All I know is, The Creeper would be an outstanding choice for a Batman film as well as a perfect role for Anthony Michael Hall. It’s an understatement to say that The Creeper has a huge cult following. I doubt it will happen, but a guy could dream right?

Even though the appearance of Robin seems to be pretty much squashed, Devon Lohan has some great speculation on a possible future Robin. Who do you want to see in the villain role in the next Bat-Film? Any other characters you would like to see appear in the future Bat-film?

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The Wonderful Parking Garage of Oz

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Many people dislike stories that sound too “coincidental” because they seem preposterous. There’s been a few times that I got pegged for making up stories like Chunk in the Goonies but I assure you that I wouldn’t waste my time writing about these instances unless they were entirely 100% true.

“Who would make up a story like that?” – Dana Barrett (Sigourney Weaver) in Ghostbusters.

It was a almost a month ago when I decided to relax, have some dinner, and watch a dvd. That night I was in the mood for Scorcese’s After Hours since I hadn’t watched it since I was young. That’s the kind of movie I like. It’s a film that doesn’t really have too much of a plot, it’s more about the string of events that happen to the main character. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in it. It’s similar to Desperately Seeking Susan (also starring Arquette!) where the bored housewife inadvertently gets tangled up in another woman’s life. Being in these bizarre situations always turns out to be entertaining, but I wish my life occasionally took on excitement like that. In the past I’ve often written about how nothing exciting ever happened where I grew up. I’ve even had dreams of having exciting things happen in my neighborhood because my subconscious must’ve been so starved for excitement! I guess watching After Hours appeals to my desire to have more personal excitement.

The following photo doesn’t really elude to having something “exciting” happen to me, but it can definitely be classified as weird!

Either the person who did this was a huge Wizard of Oz fan or this is a piss poor attempt at graffiti. The building I work in has a massive amount of underground parking. For the most part it’s kept clean, and there’s not much to worry about when you head to your car. There’s not a lot of shady stuff going since the security is super high. About 2 days after I watched After Hours I walked through an area of the parking garage that I rarely ever traverse. I had to escort a visitor to a section of the lot that isn’t as jam packed with cars. Out of nowhere I looked over at one of the concrete columns and I squinted my eyes in disbelief. I was momentarily shocked at what I saw scrawled on this column: “Surrender Dorothy” was written in an extremely random fashion. There must’ve been a hundred columns in this bi-level parking garage and none of the other columns had any graffiti or markings on them.

I immediately told my friend Steve about this weird coincidence. “OK, what’s the big deal Jay?…It’s from Wizard of Oz!” I knew full well that the wicked witch wrote that in the sky to freak Dorothy out. “No man! I just watched After Hours!” Steve didn’t quite grasp my correlation, so I almost spelled it out for him in the sky. “You see Steve….” Marcy, Rosanna Arquette’s character, told a story about her husband. He was obsessed with Wizard of Oz and when they had sex on their wedding night he would scream Surrender Dorothy every time he came. “Instead of saying something normal like, “Oh, God,” or something normal like that.” – Marcy

What does this all mean? Well if I knew the answer to that then I wouldn’t have posted this entry. Out of all the thought provoking stuff you could tag on a concrete column! Off the top of my head “Dan was here ’87” was always popular. Oh, and I can’t leave out the Slayer logo. It’s very possible this person was simply a hardcore Wizard of Oz fanatic or they worked for the Wicked Witch and they were just letting us all know that her spirit is still hunting Dorothy. Another scenario is that the person could’ve been a huge After Hours fan and it’s been there since the movie came out in 1985. Perhaps it was a guy and he had just seen the film. He was getting some oral action while leaning against the column and decided to carve Surrender Dorothy into the pole as he completed his mission. Maybe back in ’85 there were some people who actually started yelling that as they reached their moment of bliss?

Here’s a couple of other entries relating to my weird but true “coincidental” stories.

“Yesterday”: An Unexplained Occurence

and

That Fence Has a HUGE Bush!

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What’s In My Cart at Wal-Mart?

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I usually hesitate before I write a post about a Dorito flavor. I know everyone and their father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate’s going to post about it. I try my best not to write about what everyone else is writing about (excluding The Dark Knight of course!) even if that means I won’t be getting as many hits. You can ignore all that though because I’m about to contradict myself.
PIZZA and RANCH? Holy crap. This was another instance of me walking through the aisles at Wal-Mart and actually having my eyes bulge out of my sockets like Roger Rabbit. What’s my policy when first noticing a new Doritos flavor? BUY 2. I’m better off because with my luck I’ll love them and go back to the store to buy more and find out that the “limited editionness” of them wasn’t actually a ploy. There’s always a chance they may become extinct from shelves so always buy 2!!! Unless they’re Mountain Dew flavor, then you may as well feed both packages to the Pigeons and let them have their Epiphany day where their messiah is scattered all over the ground. To them, all they’ll see is a a luscious, glowing, triangular nacho chip speckled with radioactive dust.

I’m definitely one of those people who considers themselves a Doritos connoisseur. Believe it or not I know a few people who despise Doritos. I don’t know how you can’t like them! Personally, I don’t enjoy regular, greasy potato chips. They don’t turn me into one of those wild and crazay guys like the Doritos do.

I’d say these are my definite favorite out of the Doritos Collisions Line. Zesty Taco/Chipotle Ranch come in a close second and 3rd place would be the Hot Wings and Blue Cheese. In the Pizza Cravers/Ranch scenario the pizza flavor tastes much like the last time they showed up in the late ‘90s. If you never tasted them the seasoning is very similar to Pizzarias! Remember them? Now they kicked ass! Do they actually taste like pizza? Well maybe if you think really hard, close your eyes…oh and it may work better if you’re under the influence of a hallucinogen. The Ranch flavor actually tasted more appealing to me than the classic Cool Ranch. They’re Cool Ranch minus the COOL, because they’re just so smooth. They’re like a blanket made of ranch flavored velvet. Pizza Cravers and Ranch make a great combination of flavors. Apparently there’s a cult of people who dip their pizza crust in ranch dressing. I don’t have a membership card to that crew but hey, go for it! I’ll stick to the Doritos! BUY 2!

What did I conquer next? A couple of hot chicks on a cereal box. OK, so I admitted to playing with Barbie’s when I was a kid…but it was only ONCE OK? I figured since I did write about the piece of ass Barbie dolls that are on store shelves, then it’s almost a requirement that I pick these up:

I really couldn’t resist. I’m still on a quest to find a cereal that tastes like Oops! All Berries, which are quite possibly the best cereal ever made since Smurfberry Crunch. Since those 2 Godsends disappeared, I’ve never tasted anything so good. In the back of my head I can only hope they taste halfway decent. That will make up for me having a box of “limited edition” Barbie cereal in my shopping cart. I “manned” up my cart though, don’t worry. I threw in some Mach 3 Turbo razors, and Salsa. That’s a man’s pickup! I also had some night lights so mixed with the Barbie cereal that could either mean I’m a total pussy and afraid of the dark, or I have a little daughter who’s been having nightmares and I’m showing concern for her by buying her limited edition multi grain breakfast cereal. Neither one is true, I just yearned for a good cereal that would bring me back to…yeah…I’m gonna say it: Yesteryear. lol.

I JUST OPENED THE BOX…

Like the Target lady played by Kristen Wiig on SNL says HOORAY! My deduction was correct, this Barbie cereal is amazing! If you were a fan of Oops! all Berries then you will enjoy this because it has a very similar taste, PLUS marshmallows and two hot chicks on the front of the box! You can’t go wrong so THANK YOU BARBIE LIMITED EDITION MULTI GRAIN CEREAL WITH MARSHMALLOWS! You saved us! The Sexy Armpit says BUY 2!

So, have you had any whacked out purchases lately?

www.SexyArmpit.com

Batman Blu-Ray Winner!

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The Dark Knight countdown has come to an official close until the next Bat-Film!

Congrats to the winner of the Batman Blu-Ray Giveaway:

John F. of Midlothian, Texas!

Several new articles are in the works, so keep an eye out for a couple of them this week!
As always, thanks for visiting The Sexy Armpit.com!

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