NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 44: New Jersey RUN DMC Style

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If you want to look like a pioneer of hip-hop music then you may want to buy a classic Run DMC t-shirt and slip on a pair of shell top Adidas sneakers. Then pick yourself up a ridiculously over sized gold chain and some sunglasses, prop your ghetto blaster up on your shoulder and you’ll be good to go. Or, if you’re aiming much lower and you want to look like a complete dork from New Jersey, then sub out the Run DMC tee for this NEW JRZ tee, get your hair blown out, and whammo…you be illin’! You’re on your way to the anals of NJ dorkdom. That’s right, I typed anals. All you need now is to have The Sexy Armpit loaded up on Safari on your iPhone and you’ll be official.

Run DMC has made a huge impact on not only hip hop, but rock music as well. There’s a film about Run DMC’s career in production, and one half of the group stars in his own cable TV series. The reality show about Joseph Simmons, aka Reverend Run, has aired on VH1 since 2005. Parts of VH1’s Run’s House is filmed at his actual house in Saddle River, New Jersey. Merely a 20 minute drive from there, Darryl “DMC” McDaniels resides in Wayne, NJ.

*Greg Epstein’s store on Zazzle also features this t-shirt design in New York, Boston, and Chi-Town variants.

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New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.36: Superhero League of Hoboken

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More info on Superhero League of Hoboken at Moby Games

If it’s got adventure, New Jersey, and a sexy blonde bimbo who clearly cares more about posing for the camera than she does saving the Tri-State area, then I’m all about it! OK, so the dude on the cover looks like Thor’s mentally challenged younger step brother, but that doesn’t keep me from being utterly intrigued by the 1994 video game Superhero League of Hoboken, which I discovered while perusing the Moby Games website. The game was released in CD-Rom format and on an archaic 3.5 Diskette! Compared to PS3 and XBox games, this one is laughable, but as I found out, that’s exactly how it was intended.

This satirical RPG is set in a “post apocalyptic wasteland,” aka the Tri-State Area. The game features several New Jersey locales in addition to other points of interest in New York and Pennsylvania. The game map depicts The NJ Turnpike, Newark, Edison’s Laboratory, a Radioactive Wasteland, The East Orange Marketplace, Newark Airport, and Atlantic City. 

The heroes in Superhero League of Hoboken sound more like The Mystery Men rather than The Super Friends. Check out some of these character descriptions listed at Moby Games: Captain Excitement “his aura of lethargy and dullness can put opponents to sleep instantly,” Iron Tummy “capable of eating spicy foods without any distress,” and Mademoiselle Pepperoni “capable of seeing inside a pizza box without even opening it.” If anyone decides to dress up as this valiant crew at Comic Con or for Halloween, then you have no choice but to forward me some pics. One thing is for sure, NOBODY will have the same costume as you! Your welcome. Leave a comment if you’ve played this game! Is it a Troma Production in the making? Should I get on the horn with Lloyd Kaufman? If Walt Disney can transform Prince of Persia into a movie than why not let Troma have a crack at Superhero Leauge of Hoboken?

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Ad Jerseum 5: Absolut Jersey

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Ad Jerseum: So much Jersey advertising it’ll make you vomit!

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For many people, diners are immediately associated with the state of New Jersey. This Absolut ad depicts the Vodka bottle in the shape of an old fashioned stainless steel Jersey Diner. You can hit up this diner next time you are hungover from too many Vodka tonics. I’m sure you can order a pork roll, egg, and cheese sandwich there. You can find pretty much every Absolut Vodka advertisement ever created over at www.absolutad.com.
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NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 43: St. Patrick’s Day in Hoboken

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Limited Edition St. Patty’s Day in Hoboken 2010 T-Shirt available at Solid Threads

Every day in Hoboken is a big drunkfest, so I bet Hoboken will transform into one big geyser of puke on St. Patrick’s Day. It was that exact reason why I did not attend The St. Patrick’s Parade in Hoboken on March 6th. There’s too many people acting like idiots and I have a feeling I would have wound up getting angry and turning green like The Incredible Hulk. Where do you think we are, Cancun? Join me as I suck the life out of St.Patrick’s Day.

The St. Patty’s day parade in Hoboken and St.Patrick’s Day in general is another excuse to drink heavily and wear my least favorite color. I don’t care if I sound like a party pooper, but the holiday never appealed to me. When I was a kid I was fond of the Main Street Electrical Parade in Disneyland, but, for the most part, I’m not really a fan of parades unless they involve The Joker and free money. Maybe if Lucky the Leprechaun personally knocked on my door with a few of his green string bikini clad leperhoe’s bearing gifts such as a lifetime supply of Lucky Charms awaiting me in an 18 wheeler outside then perhaps I would have more of an affinity towards the 17th of March. By the way, did I mention that a 16 oz. Shamrock Shake at McDonald’s contains 550 calories and 50 milligrams of cholesterol? When they concoct a healthier version maybe I’ll get excited for the perennial frozen treat.

It seems that the St. Patty’s parade in Hoboken is held just so the city can collect money. It’s another occasion for buzzkillers, err, I mean cops to hand out tons of tickets. An NJ.com article, 555 ticketed in Hoboken, 25 arrested St.Pat’s Day, was published a week after the parade took place and details the huge monetary loss from hosting the event. According to the story written by Mark G.Maurer, the cost of the parade “exceeded $125,000.”

Sure, public safety is paramount, but recouping at least a percentage of the wads of cash was also high on the city’s priority list. The entire police force was on duty as they awarded 476 summonses, some for open containers, jaywalking, disorderly house parties, and 41 of the instances were for public urination! Why do I even want to go to a parade where the streets are filled with walking disasters who are puking and pissing all over the streets? No wonder New Jersey gets made fun of all the time.

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NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 42: Jersey Girl Corona Logo

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The Corona Style Jersey Girl T-Shirt 
can be found at finer Shop-Rite locations throughout the Central Jersey Area
You will discover that many females indigenous to New Jersey (aka Jersey Girls) have an unabashed infatuation with alcoholic beverages. Don’t twist my words around, I don’t mean that all Jersey girls are alcoholics, I just mean that many species (i.e cougars) of Jersey Girl are just as attached to a bottle of Corona (don’t you dare forget the lime) or a cold can of Coors Light as they were to their little plush unicorn named Harriet that they held firmly by their side every night as their parents tucked them in.

Poor little Harriet was such a cute little unicorn. She had white fur and a lavender mane. Her horn sparkled pink and yellow. She was there for Jersey Girl throughout her young, vulnerable years. As time went on and Jersey Girl had her first beer, Harriet the Unicorn grew lonely and felt shunned. Jersey Girl’s world, which was once full of wonder and amazement, was now composed of 50 cent drafts and endless happy hours. Calling her a whore would be out of line, even though her mouth’s favorite pastime was chugging $2 dollar long necks. Instead of playing beauty parlor with her little girlfriends, Jersey Girl’s friends grew up to be in charge of holding her hair back when she had to make a routine trip to the vomitorium. 

When she was just a little Jersey Girl, she was unaware that when she got older, Harriet the cuddly little Unicorn would have to go into years of therapy because she was ignored by her owner. Just so you know, Unicorns can grow very depressed when they are cursed at with slurred speech. Listen up ladies, remember who brought you to the party. It wasn’t a bottle of malt beverage that you rode on in your daydreams, it wasn’t cerveza that jumped over rainbows for you. Even though Harriet the Unicorn didn’t help Jersey Girl pick up that hot, tanned, juiced up Guido at Headliner last summer, she can still inflict a major puncture wound on him with her magical horn and deflate his pump after she gets wind of how he backhands you in drunken arguments about how you don’t like his stupid dancing and full body stubble.

This parody of the classic Corona logo is odd for a few reasons. First, there is a Jersey Shore reference. Think about how the marketability of anything “Jersey Shore” related has skyrocketed ten fold thanks to the MTV reality show. I also find it odd that this tee was not created in a baby tee style for a girl, as opposed to a regular male t-shirt style. I doubt a guy would walk around wearing this, unless he does all his clothes shopping in Shop-Rite. Would you wear this?

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Saturday Nightmares Horror Convention at Loew’s Jersey Theater

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The Saturday Nightmares Horror Convention comes to the Loew’s Jersey Theater in Jersey City March 19th through the 21st. The event will include autograph signings, a premiere of Document of the Dead, Twilight Zone marathon, Screenings of Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, and Creepshow, Q and A sessions, and a costume contest. If you’re a horror freak and live in the Tri-State area, you NEED to attend! Guests include George A. Romero, Ken Foree, Adrienne Barbeau, Tom Savini, and more.

For more info and a full list of guests go to their official site: www.saturdaynightmares.com
or their blogspot: http://saturdaynightmaresexpo.blogspot.com/

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Ad Jerseum 4: AT&T on the GSP

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Ad Jerseum: So much Jersey advertising it’ll make you vomit!

new jersey,cell phones,at&t

I really don’t care if you can or can’t hear me now. I don’t give a crap that you think Luke Wilson got fat. Who’s the biggest, who’s the best, 4G or 35G, who has the iPhone killer; the answers to all of these questions are meaningless. If only our brain power went into important things rather than worrying about how to swindle your way out of your cell contract and bypassing termination fees so you can switch and get that phone you really wanted. 

After seeing ads like the one pictured above, ATT may have convinced you to switch over to their service despite incessant complaints about it’s poor coverage. Perhaps seeing your future swayed your thinking a little bit. Millions of people drive the Garden State Parkway to head to the Jersey Shore in the summer, and God forbid you don’t have a cellphone! Do people forget the severe legal penalties that exist for talking on a cell phone while driving? I see about half of the people on the road yapping away without a care in the world. Ahh, who cares, right? In this advertisement, those cars are lined up in “full bars formation,” so as long as we have coverage to talk to our friend Melissa with the whiny Staten Island accent and the 4 foot long fingernails then all is right with the world.

Whether you’re using an iPhone, a Droid, a Blackberry, 2 tin cans with a string, or mental telepathy to communicate, it’s all B.S. The fact that I hear people on a daily basis engaging in heated debates about what cell phone carrier has the best service is complete idiocy. The bottom line is that all of the companies suck ass because they all provide mediocre service, atrocious customer service, and are ridiculously overpriced. You can buy the cheapest voice plan, but when you want a smartphone they tell you that you can’t have one unless you buy an unlimited or high priced data plan. You started out thinking you would save some cash by getting a cheap voice plan and then you wind up paying more than double thanks to the data plan and the various extra charges and fees. Who knows what those are for. At that point, you realize you’re paying $100 bucks a month so you can download one stupid ESPN app. What’s more important is the fact that many of us actually are paying over $100 bucks monthly for a single cell phone plan.

Please stop buying into all the hype. ATT vs. Verizon is like McDonald’s vs. Burger King and Pepsi vs. Coca Cola. We’ll never see the end of it, but can’t we stop with all the nonsense about coverage and if you can hear me know, and reliability, and missed calls? I personally don’t give a crap. IT’S A CELL PHONE FOR F-CKS SAKE! We’re not deciding the fate of the world here people! There are so many more important things that I’d prefer my mind get bombarded with during the duration of a day than having to listen to the public girl fighting between two ridiculously rich and greedy cell phone companies. 

Wireless providers should have learned long ago that lobbing lame insults at each other only makes them look weak, and it’s NOT what I call advertising. Bitching about each other is what happens in high school. Get the f-ck over yourselves. So to all the cell phone providers out there, Verizon, ATT, T-Mobile, Sprint, etc, you all need to MAN UP and learn how to make a convincing case for your product without acting like little immature children. And obvious New Jersey puns are off limits as well.
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I Love You Meatwad, but not for $80 bucks!

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Meatwad Beanbag chair available at The Adult Swim Shop

If this thing actually talked like Meatwad and said “Fudge You, Butthole!” every time I plopped my ass down on it, then it would immediately be on the floor in my living room. If I gave into my deepest desires, I would own this Meatwad Bean Bag Chair.

There are 2 reasons why I won’t blow the steep $80 dollars on it though. First, I might use it for 2 or 3 weeks, then I’d probably wind up right back on my couch, the same couch that has the indentation of my ass cheeks in it from constantly sitting in the same spot all the time (their ad describes this phenomenon as “butt deformation” lol). You must have a couch like that. I saw my couch on Sesame Street one time: “One of Jay’s couch cushions is flatter than the other, do you know which one it is? Oh yeah, the second reason is all about the price. I have been known to spend wads of cash on unnecessary crap, but I just can’t justify this one. Perhaps a Meatwad plush toy or pillow will be more cost effective.

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NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 41: Four Horsemen Studios

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The Four Horsemen Studios T-Shirts

Are you basking in the detailed glory of your latest action figure issued from your Club Eternia subscription? You better kneel down and give a resounding “We’re not worthy!” to the design team of The Four Horsemen (That’s Chris, Jim, Cornboy, and Eric, NOT Ric, Arn, Ole and Tully). They are responsible for designing amazing figures for the Masters of the Universe Classics and DC Universe Classics line of figures as well as many other toys, busts, statues, and figures that run the gamut of fanboy properties. You name it, they’ve designed figures from it; Batman, The Crow, Ghostbusters, Hellboy, Harry Potter, Fantastic Four, Betty Boop, and Star Wars. Chances are, you have many figures in your collection that were designed by Four Horsemen Studios. Last year, they celebrated their 10th year of redefining the concept of an action figure.

The Four Horsemen revolutionized toy collecting for us “big kids,” and for you guys reading this they gave us ammunition to throw back at stupid people who call action figures dolls. You know there’s some idiot in your life who will not stop calling them that insidious term, occasionally just to piss you off. Do me a favor, the next time they pull such an egregious stunt, grab them forcefully by both ears and make them take a look at one of the Horsemen’s figures and the amount of painstaking effort that went into transforming a hunk of plastic into a striking likeness bearing minute aspects of the character.

The figures and busts created by the Four Horsemen should be considered “toy art” rather than just “toys.” For example, the new Masters of the Universe Classics line has helped evolve the concept of what an action figure is. They went from tiny hunks of assembly line molds to actually embodying each characters specific traits, authentic attire, and accessories.  If you took a handful of He-Man figures in the early ’80s and popped their heads off, you’d have a bunch of the same exact plastic molds, save for a few with different skin colors. It’s a totally different game now. Now these figures look so damn good you just want to display them in a glass case rather than put them into battle. But, if the day does arrive that the good people of Eternia decide they must engage in an all out battle with the Evil Warriors, they full articulation will help them to kick even more ass. Those old figures couldn’t even bend their knees or elbows! How can He-Man defeat Skeletor when all he can do is rotate his torso?

Today, you can be proud to show off your action figure collection because these figures are worthy of admiring. I was actually able to show my appreciation to at least one of the members of the Four Horsemen, Eric “Cornboy” Mayse. When I worked in radio, I played tunes for Cornboy and the other Horsemen as they often tuned in during late nights at their design studio. You can check out more of The Four Horsemen’s unrivaled designs at their official site: www.fourhorsemen.biz.
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