food Archives - Page 5 of 5

Supreme Snack Serenity

Posted on November 7, 2008 by sexyarmpit

Some people consider inhaling the cold, crisp, fresh air after hiking up a mountain invigorating. Others find a day at the spa for a deep tissue massage rejuvenating. When you’re dealing with a low expectations motherf–ker such as myself, a bag of Combos squirted with a new flavor is quite a magnificent experience. The odds of actually enjoying the new flavor variety joining the Combo ranks was 3,720 to 1. Usually with any new flavor of any type of food, i’m left disappointed after realizing that it’s nowhere near as good as the hype lead me to believe. In this case, new Combos Zesty Salsa Tortilla flavor left me salivating for more.

I bought them to snack on while waiting for my flight to Orlando to board. I killed almost the entire bag! It seems pretty disgusting, I know, but I didn’t eat breakfast or lunch that day so it’s all good. The typical pretzel is replaced with a crunchy stone ground corn shell which surrounds an accurate and super tasty salsa filling. This new variety really expands on the idea of the traditional Combos and it’s sooo the right move. I guess what I’m trying to say is…if I can change, and Combos can change, everybody can change!

The festive special edition holiday versions of candy and other snacks have been hitting shelves for the past few weeks. Just last night at the local Wegman’s, I found these Giant Size JOLLY NERDS and they are ridiculously and phenomenally awesome. As if GIANT, and CHEWY didn’t sum it up adequately, JOLLY puts it over the top like Lincoln Hawk. I hope I sound like a cliched commercial when I say that these luscious, chewy, and jolly Nerds really burst with flavor. (understatement) The magic of this Wonka offering is that the crunchy outer NERD shell contrasts perfectly with the chewy center. Out of the holiday colors, I preferred the red NERD’s, but after you eat a bunch of them, it’s almost impossible to discern any differences between the red and green.

Here is my work of modern art which I call “NERDY Napkin Face.” He’s really that happy. There’s no signs of party pooper Pagliacci reflected in this piece of art. He’s not downtrodden because he’s being called a NERD! This piece of candy is clearly 100% JOLLY.

OK, so I’ll admit that I didn’t really make this piece of art myself. The NERDS came right out of the bag and danced around forming a smiley face on my napkin. They are that damn good. The only candy comparable to these are those gummy blackberries and raspberries. Now those are one of the few candies that I can overdose on! These NERDS are light years beyond them though. If only life was like the Jetsons and I could get an entire nutritious meal out of ONE CHEWY, JOLLY NERD! That would be some amazing feat! People would be dancing in the streets if they found out they only needed to eat a pellet of chewy, jolly NERDS in order to stay healthy. When it comes to the blissful, elated feeling that overcomes me after eating them, the chewy, Jolly NERDS are basically unparalleled.

Reese’s Special Edition Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter Bat

Posted on October 31, 2008 by sexyarmpit

This dark chocolate Reese’s was a leftover from July when cereal, snacks, and candy were proudly and temporarily branded with BATMAN. All Bat-fans snatched up their preferred bat-snacks at grocery store. I grabbed some fruit snacks and fruit roll ups among other stuff. Although, one item I never got a chance to write about during the Dark Knight Countdown, was the Special Edition Reese’s Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter Bat. During July, every blogger who’s worth reading was posting about Dark Knight related candy and other bat-junk. I didn’t feel too motivated to bring it up, but on Halloween kids will be dragging home 400+ lb bags of candy so it’s definitely appropriate. Hopefully they won’t be ripping into 4 month old candy like I’m about to do!

This Reese’s offering let me down. It’s touted as being shaped like a bat, but it’s a piss poor bat if you ask me. I’m sure they’re gunning for a Star Wars “special edition” Reese’s because they’ll already have the mold for the TIE fighter. I shouldn’t complain because I’m happy with anything Batman related. Except that insane gummy bat that was released! Who the hell wants to eat an anatomically correct gummy bat?

If there was an election between milk choclate and dark chocolate, I’d be a staunch dark chocolate supporter. With that said, I was surprised at how indifferent I felt after taking my first bite of this “Special Edition” Reese’s bat. The “dark” chocolate tasted merely like milk chocolate infused with a dark chocolate flavoring. When one part of the Reese’s doesn’t taste exactly like the original reeses peanut butter cup (full size…not the bite size ones, they suck) then the entire taste of it will be a little off. I had a similar complaint back when I tried the Reese’s Elvis peanut butter cups. The banana outer shell did not jive well with the cup’s filling. The Reese’s bat is an awesome idea that deserves high marks, but the outer shell lacked a true dark chocolate flavor.

There’s still a load of Bat candy on the shelves, but I’m glad I put this in my kitchen cabinet because the Reese’s Dark Chocolate Bat seems to have done a disappearing act. If I was a kid trick or treating this year, any candy with Batman on the wrapper would be bumped up to my “best candy” pile.

Pumpkin Orgasm, I’m Not Faking It!

Posted on October 16, 2008 by sexyarmpit

Eating this Russell Stover milk chocolate orange marshmallow pumpkin was a strange moment in my life.

A close friend of mine codename: Ace Johnson recently posted a comment on my MySpace page that said “Jay loves pumpkin orgasms in his mouth.” I can’t deny it. I’m in a marshmallow pumpkin state of mind. This marshmallow happens to have used spray on tan. So what?

Occasionally a certain food or drink does something in your mouth that’s unexpected. Unless you try new food and beverages every day, it’s nearly impossible to be surprised by foods or feel like your presence has been altered by them in some way. A cheeseburger tastes like a cheesburger every time you enjoy one. Each time you eat a burger you know what to expect unless it’s on a different type of roll, has fruit roll-ups on it instead of lettuce, or it’s slathered in some special sauce that you have never tasted. The experience is usually pretty similar to the previous.

If you can say that your mouth has engaged in a sexual experience with a marshmallow pumpkin on more than one occasion, then that’s definitely something you’d want to Twitter.

I’m sure you hear about a lot of new products hitting the shelves. There’s new sodas that have lime infusions, or vanilla flavoring. There’s even new potato chips that taste like baby back ribs, while others have guacamole flavoring. In my time on earth I don’t recall ever hearing about a chocolate covered pumpkin that featured orange flavored marshmallow filling. Someone on LSD must’ve thought this combo up. It makes sense though…a pumpkin is orange, hence the marshmallow inside the choclate pumpkin should taste…ORANGEY! I found my previous interaction with a chocolate marshmallow pumpkin to be quite enjoyable regardless of the fact that the actual pumpkin looked more like a shit dumpling than a pumpkin. Rest assured, Russell Stover has presented a more accurate choco-pumpkin than the non-orange Hershey’s counterpart. They should be proud!

I sliced into the well formed choco-pumpkin with a semi sharp knife, as not to bruise the dainty treat. BEHOLD! Inside lies the most ooey-gooey bright orange marshmallow filling EVER!

It was time to do what I always do when I come in close contact with a chocolate pumpkin that has orange marshmallow filling, why that would be lick it up and down to make sure I can capture the flavor properly…of course!

I can’t believe what you’re thinking right now, you sick fuck!

Doesn’t it just SCREAM: EAT ME, BITCH!

I follow that up with a circular motion and then I do some fancy moves that Gene Simmons taught me. The pumpkin was so into it. I said to my little orange pumpkin “I know you like that you’re a little nasty choco pumpkin aren’t you? Naturally, it was delighted and begged and pleaded for me to insert itself further into my mouth.

Sinking my teeth into the soft, wet, mushy, orange center was a delight. Having the chocolate crumble into and mash together with the fluffy orangeshmallow while it was being chomped about felt like a flavor mushroom cloud exploding right inside my mouth.

Chocolate…
Pumpkin…
Wet…

orangeshmallow…

Oooohhhhh….

BOOM!
Explosion…

It was a strange moment in my life.

And I didn’t fake it.

Grocery Store Gluttony

Posted on September 29, 2008 by sexyarmpit

I often go on “kicks.” Occasionally it’s a Dorito kick, other times its a certain energy drink. Whatever the ingestable item is, it’s usually way overloaded with carbs and calories and it isn’t vital to maintaining my body’s daily functions. But what’s life without it’s little treats, right? I really just think I have a “Hi My Name is Sucker” sticker tattooed above my left pectoral. I feel myself blowing up into a fat blubbery mess rapidly as I write this post; the calories are even making the words gain weight. Remember how Audrey engorged herself in National Lampoon’s European Vacation? Well, call me Audrey Griswold and today I’ll show you what I’ve been stuffing my face with.

After my recent flight to Vegas, I immediately found myself a new early morning obsession. And NO…it’s not New Multi-Grain Masturbate-O’s so get that out of your head! Airplane food is supposed to suck, but on this trip a breakfast epiphany came in the shape of a neat travel sized package of Honey Nut Chex. It was one of those plastic packages where I peeled back the plastic covering, poured the milk right in and I was ready to go. The only time I ever eat Chex is when I’m at a family gathering and my aunt has Chex mix in a bowl. These Honey Nut Chex were a whole different facet of the Chex experience. They made my morning and from that moment I knew had to go on one of my obsession bent shopping sprees to obtain as many varieties of Chex as I could. Since then, my mouth has been enjoying my morning mistress named Honey Nut Chex. Where have they been all my life? Screw Multi-Grain Masturbate-O’s I hear they make you go blind!

Pringles are highly addictive. It’s my theory that their texture has much to do with their popularity. They are crunchy, yet soft at the same time. The variety of flavors offered by Pringles is also another one of their strong points. You might walk into your chip aisle in the store and find up to 6 versions of Pringles. Just the fact that I have that type of choice turns me on. I could hate their product but I would still be completely in love with the idea that I could choose from Chili Cheese, Jalepeno, or Loaded Baked Potato. I don’t fuck with any of those even though they’re no doubt luscious.

While in Vegas I spent $10 for a side of guacamole with my tortilla chips at The Border Grill at Mandalay Bay. Upon my return to the armpit I bought a whole canister of pringles that combined chips and the flavor of guacamole all for around 2 bucks. These chips are a light green color and taste just like guacamole. So forget about having your wallet raped at some Mexican restaraunt when you can go to the store and buy a can of Pringles. I should go back and mention this to them when they offer me guacamole and don’t bother to tell me that they’re going to charge me $10 bucks for it! Rat bastards.

The Soda Wars are an eternal discussion between my friends, family, and I. I don’t know what it is but Soda always incites such a debate. People feel so passionate about their bubbly beverages that they’ll fight to the deaths for them! You’d think Coca-Cola was some sort of messiah. Don’t fuck with fervent fans of Coke and Pepsi because the argument will get you nowhere. For some reason people just get confused when you tell them you’re favorite soda is Dr. Pepper. The DP has always been my favorite soda, even though I did commit a few adulteries with Mountain Dew when I couldn’t stay up studying for those exams back in college. I remember when I was very young and I first had my taste of Soda, Coca-Cola was the only brand I knew of. Naturally that was the only one I asked for until I was finally able to taste Dr. Pepper. As I got older and started shying away from such sugary, syrupy concoctions, I began to prefer Pepsi over Coke if I was forced to make the decision.

Nowadays I try not to drink soda unless it’s the only thing available, Pepsi has released a soda that may very well be exactly what I needed in a soft drink. I’ve tried to end my reliance on energy drinks, and I feel guilty downing regular soda so Diet Pepsi Max has filled the void. It’s taste is so close to real Pepsi that I couldn’t believe it! The fact that the drink also features a jolt of caffeine and ginseng is just an added bonus. If the prescenece of caffeine doesn’t bother you then consider that Diet Pepsi Max is the way Diet Pepsi should taste. As for the jolt of energy, and even with all of the double shots of Amp and Monster that I’ve gulped down, Diet Pepsi Max leaves you off with a slight euphoric feeling. I’m not saying you’re going to run around hugging people, but there’s a definite nice low key buzz without the jitters.

Fuze has a refreshing line of beverages including my preference the Green Tea with honey and ginseng. Somehow it contains 2 servings of vegetables the all important yerba mate. I’ve never heard of yerba mate but it seems to be the latest in trendy foreign plants that may yeild possible health benefits such as stress relief and colon cleansing. Fuze Green Tea also all throws in all that fancy stuff like polyphenols, antioxidants, folic acid, and a plethora of vitamins which may or may not have any effect on me but sound important. In another amazin feat, Fuze also markets versions that claim to help you lose weight, give you energy, refresh your sorry ass, balance your check book, and help you win at poker.

Recently, I was on an Ice Breakers Lemon Iced Tea kick, and I still am, although I found a new variety (pictured above) that are also enjoyable. Watermelon was the grabber for me in this variety pack but I also enjoy the Pink Lemonade flavor. These Ice Breakers turn sour in your mouth so if you’re into that kind of thing then give them a try.

The act of stealing food from a child may be called despicable, but swiping a child’s Scooby Snacks is just plain wrong. I’m kidding, I didn’t steal them, I was bestowed an entire box of individual packages of Scooby Snacks! My mom bought them for my niece and nephew and they didn’t like them so I hit the jackpot. I’ve always been a big fan of Scooby and graham crackers so baking them in the shape of a dog bone and selling them as Scooby snacks is a smooth move on Keebler’s part. There’s been a few different versions of Scooby Snacks on the market but these are the best.

If there’s any other items you’d think I should add to my grocery shopping list please let me know in the comments!

What’s In My Cart at Wal-Mart?

Posted on July 23, 2008 by sexyarmpit

I usually hesitate before I write a post about a Dorito flavor. I know everyone and their father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate’s going to post about it. I try my best not to write about what everyone else is writing about (excluding The Dark Knight of course!) even if that means I won’t be getting as many hits. You can ignore all that though because I’m about to contradict myself.
PIZZA and RANCH? Holy crap. This was another instance of me walking through the aisles at Wal-Mart and actually having my eyes bulge out of my sockets like Roger Rabbit. What’s my policy when first noticing a new Doritos flavor? BUY 2. I’m better off because with my luck I’ll love them and go back to the store to buy more and find out that the “limited editionness” of them wasn’t actually a ploy. There’s always a chance they may become extinct from shelves so always buy 2!!! Unless they’re Mountain Dew flavor, then you may as well feed both packages to the Pigeons and let them have their Epiphany day where their messiah is scattered all over the ground. To them, all they’ll see is a a luscious, glowing, triangular nacho chip speckled with radioactive dust.

I’m definitely one of those people who considers themselves a Doritos connoisseur. Believe it or not I know a few people who despise Doritos. I don’t know how you can’t like them! Personally, I don’t enjoy regular, greasy potato chips. They don’t turn me into one of those wild and crazay guys like the Doritos do.

I’d say these are my definite favorite out of the Doritos Collisions Line. Zesty Taco/Chipotle Ranch come in a close second and 3rd place would be the Hot Wings and Blue Cheese. In the Pizza Cravers/Ranch scenario the pizza flavor tastes much like the last time they showed up in the late ‘90s. If you never tasted them the seasoning is very similar to Pizzarias! Remember them? Now they kicked ass! Do they actually taste like pizza? Well maybe if you think really hard, close your eyes…oh and it may work better if you’re under the influence of a hallucinogen. The Ranch flavor actually tasted more appealing to me than the classic Cool Ranch. They’re Cool Ranch minus the COOL, because they’re just so smooth. They’re like a blanket made of ranch flavored velvet. Pizza Cravers and Ranch make a great combination of flavors. Apparently there’s a cult of people who dip their pizza crust in ranch dressing. I don’t have a membership card to that crew but hey, go for it! I’ll stick to the Doritos! BUY 2!

What did I conquer next? A couple of hot chicks on a cereal box. OK, so I admitted to playing with Barbie’s when I was a kid…but it was only ONCE OK? I figured since I did write about the piece of ass Barbie dolls that are on store shelves, then it’s almost a requirement that I pick these up:

I really couldn’t resist. I’m still on a quest to find a cereal that tastes like Oops! All Berries, which are quite possibly the best cereal ever made since Smurfberry Crunch. Since those 2 Godsends disappeared, I’ve never tasted anything so good. In the back of my head I can only hope they taste halfway decent. That will make up for me having a box of “limited edition” Barbie cereal in my shopping cart. I “manned” up my cart though, don’t worry. I threw in some Mach 3 Turbo razors, and Salsa. That’s a man’s pickup! I also had some night lights so mixed with the Barbie cereal that could either mean I’m a total pussy and afraid of the dark, or I have a little daughter who’s been having nightmares and I’m showing concern for her by buying her limited edition multi grain breakfast cereal. Neither one is true, I just yearned for a good cereal that would bring me back to…yeah…I’m gonna say it: Yesteryear. lol.

I JUST OPENED THE BOX…

Like the Target lady played by Kristen Wiig on SNL says HOORAY! My deduction was correct, this Barbie cereal is amazing! If you were a fan of Oops! all Berries then you will enjoy this because it has a very similar taste, PLUS marshmallows and two hot chicks on the front of the box! You can’t go wrong so THANK YOU BARBIE LIMITED EDITION MULTI GRAIN CEREAL WITH MARSHMALLOWS! You saved us! The Sexy Armpit says BUY 2!

So, have you had any whacked out purchases lately?

The Chronicles of the Jersey Shore: The Boss, The Boardwalk, and the Batman Poster

Posted on July 8, 2008 by sexyarmpit

Despite rumors you might have heard around the country, there’s nothing really great about the Jersey Shore. Except for a few sections of extreme wealth, the Jersey shore has always been pretty shitty truth be told. Now don’t all you Jersey Shore Enthusiasts get all upset now, admit it…in the back of your saltwater-logged heads you know I have a point.

One of the main attractions for families to head “down the shore” has always been the boardwalk and the amusements. I’ll cut the crap, you’ve never seen shittier rides. You might as well dangle your kid from the landing of your 3rd floor walk up because that’s about as exciting as it gets. Not to sound like a PSA, but often it does get as dangerous. I’m being overly critical mind you, since I’ve been lucky enough to experience Disneyland, Disney World and all the related parks, Universal Orlando and Hollywood, etc. The list is long and distinguished and I don’t doubt that most of you reading this are able to say the same and then some. Once you’ve been to IMAX movies, mountain climbing, and met Nikki Sixx you’ll have no chance of rousing your spirits at the Jersey Shore. But you can clog your arteries with plenty of funnel cake and sausage sanwhiches, and fried oreos. (When did Satan buy stock in the Jersey Shore?)

Sure go ahead, call me a Jersey Snob. I live here, I work here, so why am I going against the legendary iconic Jersey Shore? Because of how I was berated by Linda the middle aged, overly tan, overly fat, heavy, heavy smoker, who owns a small one bedroom plastic monopoly game sized house in Belmar, with the gigundo gold necklaces, wreaks of tanning oil and sounds like Donald Duck.

LINDA: Hey Yooh! (like she was a husky butch lesbian mafia member) Wasn’t ’da great Bruce Springsteen sprung to stahdom heeah (here)? Wasn’t the first Gweedo spotted heeah (here)?

So talk to da hand!

ME: Yeah, but does that really matter? I mean you can look at pictures of the Stone Pony on the internet.”

LINDA: Oh no you didn’t you sunavabitch! You think yaw funny don’t yooh? Well you know who ain’t think yaw funny? The Chairmen of the Bawd that’s who. Now what? You wanna say sumthin? I didn’t think so you scumbag, I was in ‘Nam, why do you think I’ve gotta an aircast on my right ankle and I walk with a limp? But that won’t stop me frhum kickin yaw ass ya sunavabitch!

Back to your regularly scheduled program,

put the needle on the record…

…The board walk and rides were nowhere near as cool as the big boardwalk in The Lost Boys, which seemed so grand almost like a carnival type atmosphere. I used to want to visit the city of “Santa Carla” just because I secretly wished we had a setup as cool as theirs. But I doubt I’d be able to stomach all the damn vampires. How great was the comic store Sam (Haim) was browsing at? There’s no comic book stores on our Boardwalk! Just a ton of lame gift shops and the occasional pizza, and ice cream joints. Not even a good haunted house!

What we do have a ton of are the games of chance like the spinning wheel and the water gun/balloon game. Those are the games that you rarely win anything that cool. At the corner there’s always a spinning wheel game that for some reason gives away full cases of candy and snacks. It’s like the folks who run the game just went to Costco to buy there giveaway prizes for the night, and they were so damn lazy to open the cases of candy that they just figured they’d give each winner a full case. I can say that I’ve won way cooler stuff from those same games in Six Flags then I have at the Jersey Shore. Actually the Batman poster pictured above is the only great thing I’ve ever won at the Jersey shore.

Almost 15 years this Batman poster hung in my room. I can’t remember if a family member won it for me or I won it myself, but either way I was thankful to get this poster. It originally came in a wooden frame that I still have housing a collage of photos. There were a ton of Batman posters to choose from at that Boardwalk game, but I zeroed in on this one. I loved the colors of the background and the building. The artwork is well done and I appreciate the fact that Batman is wearing the blue and gray, since everywhere you looked that summer had Batman in his new black costume.

Birthday Cakes and Batman

Posted on July 7, 2008 by sexyarmpit

Birthday cakes have always been a bit of a sore subject for me. Every year since I could remember I wanted Cookie Puss for my birthday. It took about 8 years or so but I finally got him and he was the most enjoyable puss I ever had. For some reason, I never got big birthday shindigs or elaborate specialty birthday cakes. I guess it wasn’t in the cards for me. Dionne Warwick told me that when I called her up as a kid. She said almost exactly that: “Jay you’ll never have a great big party or a personalized character cake for your birthday.” I used to ask my mother why I didn’t (“How come ma?”) and it seemed there was no reason. “How come ma?”

Birthdays, especially in March, (like mine) seem to just creep up on people and then disappear like they never happened. In like a lion, out like a lamb as they say. Even though that doesn’t really pertain to this scenario, it sounded good. So I never really had a kickass cake until cookie Puss and that only happened once. About a year later my mother pulled a few slick moves and got Batman put on my cake. My father and I have birthdays that fall within 2 days of each other so both of our names were on the cake. I didn’t mind that at all since I was reasonable. I’ll share the sugary icing of a spotlight with my dad as long as Bats is on my cake. That definitely surprised me because it showed that someone was finally listening! A small part of me really wanted some little Batman and Robin figurines running on the icing backdrop of Gotham City, bat-signal and all, but I would take what I could get at that point! More than 10 years later, my girlfriend at the time created an amazing Batman cake for my 20th birthday. Cutting it up and eating it was the hardest part. Who would want to cut up Batman? Besides, The Joker!

I think birthdays in general should be fun and different than any other day. If your own birthday isn’t somewhat different from the norm that would suck. I’m not the type to ask for people to make a fuss over me but it’s sure nice when they do it on their own! I know if I was a kid right now, I’d be begging to have Batman parties, Pirates of the Caribbean parties, Hulk parties etc. When I was a kid I had everything from Super Friends plates (pictured) to WWF napkins but ne’er a Hulkster cake.
I think Birthday cakes should be personalized, although I understand the painstaking work that goes into them. A couple of years ago I took a crack at it and made my girl a Marvin the Martian birthday cake. For a guy who’s the opposite of Julia Childs I think I did a pretty damn good job. For a look at another cool cake related post check out Geektarded who has a really cool look at a MOTU birthday he had when he was a kid. How many bat-cakes have you guys had? Did you have any other cool cakes we should know about?

Batman Fruit Snacks and Fruit Roll-Ups

Posted on July 5, 2008 by sexyarmpit

The good ol’ Dark Knight must be tight on cash lately because it seems as if he sold his soul to Betty Crocker. Not only has there recently been Batman fruit snacks but now there are Batman The Dark Knight Fruit Roll-ups on the grocery store shelves. Something about fruit roll ups changed throughout the years. It’s like the Jello-O pudding pops conspiracy where the pops that are available now taste almost exactly the same as the old ones except for a minor detail that I can’t pinpoint. When I was a kid fruit roll-ups seemed like they had more of a real fruit consistency and they were less plasticy and chewy than they are now. It’s like eating a slab of strawberry flavored vinyl. On the fruit roll ups themselves are faces of all the characters from the new Dark Knight movie. The pictures that are stamped on really suck. It’s not as easy as it would seem to figure out what the hell you’re looking at. It’s almost like looking at one of those Rorschach tests. (an ink blot…remember that in Batman Forever?!) The roll-ups come in strawberry and berry cool, both tasted sickeningly sweet to me.

As for the fruit snacks, personally I think you can never go wrong with fruit snacks even though I have my reservations about them also. Out of the fruit snacks and fruit roll-ups, the fruit snacks are the clear winner because of they taste better than the roll up and they are more fun to eat.

Doritos: The Quest for a Better Flavor!

Posted on May 28, 2008 by sexyarmpit

When I’m in the snack aisle, I never pass up a new flavor of Doritos. It’s a wonder how a shiny bag of tortilla chips can give me tunnel vision. I dread making trips to the grocery store so I welcome any glimpse of a product never before seen by my eyes. If it’s a new character that has it’s own fruit snack or a new kids cereal, either way I usually get all wrapped up in the moment.

After stockpiling boxes of Wheatables, my latest obsession, I was stopped in my tracks like I was in quicksand (or quickmud if you’ve seen Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull!) I scanned the shelves of chips and came to a mysterious black bag. This was a variety of Doritos that I’ve never seen before. The front of the bag read “The Quest: Guessing the Flavor is just the Beginning.” As soon as I got home I had to rip into the bag. I couldn’t help myself. Every time I buy something new at the store I feel like I wish I could just open up my stomach and put the stuff inside rather than having to go through all the work of chewing and swallowing. Sometimes all those steps waste valuable time.

After the official first sniff, I threw the first chip in my mouth. They had a fairly sweet, but semi-radioactive odor. When the chip first hit my mouth I thought they were trying to replicate the taste I get in my mouth when I drive on the N.J Turnpike, which is pretty much what raw sewage and toxic chemicals would taste like. I’m exaggerating a little bit of course, but they didn’t taste good at all. What did I do? Did I throw the entire bag away? Heck no, I did what we all do…I kept shoveling them down even though they sucked ass. I’m pretty sure they’re supposed to be a Spicy Lime chip, which in my mind is completely off the wall. I’m a huge fan of Lime Gatorade Rain but it stops there. Perhaps a lime in my Gin and Tonic but anything further than that is unnecessary. Bud Light Lime? C’mon! Nowadays it seems everything but my toothpaste is lime flavored. I can’t say I enjoy my Dorito chips with a dusting of Lime powder. Not a fan. I blame Corona for putting Limes over big time.

This whole gimmick reminded me of last year when Doritos came out with a mystery flavor that tasted like Cheeseburgers in a similar black bag. What the heck are they thinking? You’re supposed to wager a guess at their site Snack Strong Productions. Come to think of it, I don’t even know if they announced that the last flavor was actually Cheeseburger but it sure as hell tasted like it. (Ok..I just checked Wikipedia, and I WAS F’n RIGHT!) Why should we have to guess the shitty flavor their food flavoring geniuses came up with if they don’t even plan on giving us the answer. I wasted time logging onto their lame site to play the game but I couldn’t figure it out. Then again, contrary to popular belief, I have a life. Rather than sitting there trying to type in random flavor guesses I opted to write an entry about how crappy the mystery flavor was. Now that’s productive! Are they too scared to come up with a definitive flavor and put it out on shelves? Is it just me or were there better Dorito flavors in the ’80s? I’m sure these silly “guess the flavor” limited editions will last as long as the Salsa Rio flavor. RIP Salsa Rio! I Miss you!