Doritos Collisions: Cheesy Enchilada & Sour Cream

Posted on by sexyarmpit
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I got the chance to inhale a bag of these suckers today!

These may be old news to you, but the appearance of a different variety of Doritos Collisions at the nearest Hess Express store got me all pumped up. Obviously, Captain Lou Albano didn’t have to put me in an arm ringer to get me to try a new Doritos offering. After completing my bag rip/savor smell technique, I enjoyed this new flavor mash-up immensely, even though they don’t beat the original Nacho Cheese flavor.

Flavor accuracy on these Doritos are mediocre at best, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t phenomenal. Not many artificially flavored foods successfully replicate the taste of Enchiladas and Sour Cream, but if we needed at least one to meet a quota, that’s where these Collisions come in.

How does the Cheesy Enchilada and Sour Cream combination fare against the competition? They have easily edged out the frat fav. Hot Wings/Blue Cheese variety and they manage to tie it up with Zesty Nacho/Chipotle Ranch. The Enchilada flavored chips have a really nice kick to them, and the Sour Cream provides a creamier balance, so in that respect they are similar to the Hot Wings/Blue Cheese Collisions.

The title of best Collisions flavor still belongs to the Pizza Cravers/Ranch, but I’ve yet to test out the Habanero/Guacamole. Have you tried them? If so, let me know how they rate! You might as well weep for The Last Call Jalapeno Popper and Tacos at Midnight because they’d never be asked to appear in a shameless product placement moment in the upcoming, imaginary Wayne’s World 3.

www.SexyArmpit.com

The Atlantic City Food & Wine Festival

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Atlantic City Food & Wine Festival 2009

Do you enjoy watching Guy Fieri, Tom Colicchio, and Ingrid Hoffman? Then you should have been at the Atlantic City Food and Wine Festival that took place all weekend at Harrah’s, Bally’s, Showboat, and Caesar’s. If you couldn’t make it, The Sexy Armpit was there to experience it for you. Oh and some guy named Emeril Lagasse was there too. Now, I’m no Tommy Salami (he’s my Guy Fieri), but allow me to recount the trip, from breakfast through dinner.

Our attempt at a nights sleep at Harrah’s was interrupted by some maniac screaming at his girlfriend in a nearby room at 2 a.m and trying to break a door down, while we were also graced by having a troop of guidos staying in the connecting room who never learned how to speak at normal decibel levels. By some miracle, my girlfriend and I did manage to get some rest in between all the Riff Raff. If only Riff Raff was in an adjacent room maybe we’d actually be invited to get up in the middle of the night to do the time warp with him again.

I was opposed to eating breakfast because I knew we’d be in for a day of engorging ourselves with a variety of different kinds of food and liquor. My girlfriend convinced me that we would need some breakfast because we wouldn’t be eating for a while. I caved in. We went downstairs to the Sack O’ Subs in Harrah’s and placed our order for breakfast. I was excited to find out that they offer wheat wraps as an alternative to regular sub rolls. It’s become a standing joke with my friends at work that I ask if they have “wheat wraps,” everywhere we go, as in “Yo, you got wheat wraps?” in my best, albeit unintentional, Nick Moore from Family Ties impression. “Ay, yo Mallory, you got some wheat wraps?” Roasted peppers and eggs on a wheat wrap was my breakfast of choice and damn it was delicious. It was cooked up perfectly, and I dabbed on what tasted like hot pepper relish that was in little clear containers stacked by the pickup counter. Sack O’Subs’ lineage can be traced back to the legendary White House Sub Shop in A.C which opened in 1947.

It was on to Bally’s where Sunday’s chapter of the Food and Wine Festival was happening. The line to get in was intimidating at first, but it went quickly. Before we knew it we had our wristbands and wine glasses and we were about to wreck house. An interesting tidbit about me is that when I go into these trade show type events, I tend to pretend that I’m in a first person shooter. I want to annihilate each table and leave dust in my path. I have no time for dilly dallying. If mofos want to linger around and ask silly questions then I’m taking my sample and moving on! To make the whole event go quicker, why don’t they just sit me down somewhere and bring me all the samples? That would be a cool overload, which is rare.

From Pinot Noir samples to Magic Hat brews, I downed it. I don’t even drink that much, but we were there and it was free. As I walked through the aisles I wondered how it was possible that people weren’t aware of some of these brands. For instance, does Blue Moon beer really need to advertise and give out free samples? It doesn’t seem like they’re hurting considering every girl and every girly man I know LOVES sipping it. To me, I don’t care if your drinking gourmet beer, strawberry flavored beer, milk stout, or Mr. Fancy Pants Oatmeal Brew…it’s still f–king beer. Beer’s been around for an eon without having all these exotic additives, so let’s cut the crap OK? Of course, I’m joking if you love Blue Moon, you’re NOT a girly man, but on the other hand, I may very well be. Perhaps the best drink I tasted all day was a Pina Colada from Bally’s Bikini Beach bar which was graciously served to me by a young girl in a teenie weenie bikini. Those are the best kind. It was possibly the greatest Pina Colada I’ve ever had.

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As for the actual food, there were only a few products that left a big impression on me. All you need to do to get my attention is put “Jersey” in your ad or sign and I’ll stop in my tracks and squint my eyes like Batman does in the intro to Batman the Animated Series after targeting some thugs. And coincidentally, “weed” is also a grabber, so when I saw the sign that said “Get Your WEED at the Jersey Shore” I naturally stopped in my tracks for a taste test of southern style Jeremiah Weed’s Flavored Iced Tea Vodka on the rocks (nothin’ to do with the pigtailed cowgirl with the bare midriff, of course). The flavor I tasted combined two of my favorite drinks, Iced Tea and Bourbon. Scarily easy to drink, it’ll probably sneak up on you and make you sick without even realizing it because it tastes so good. Go easy on it!

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The award for best chili ever goes to Pistol Pete’s Steakhouse and Saloon in Pleasantville, NJ. I gulped down a sample cup of chili that the guys at the their table handed to me, and I was immediately sold. Just by that tiny portion I was able to savor the chunkiness and intense flavors their Chili had. Literally amazing. The next time I’m in A.C, that’s where I’m going for dinner.

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Unfortunately we weren’t able to get into the show Guy Fieri was running, but we were able to sit in on Aaron Song’s demo. I’m like a 5 year old, aside from cartoons and pro wrestling, I actually don’t watch much TV, so I had no idea who “The Asian Guy” from Hell’s Kitchen was. Sweating profusely, Song was entertaining as he cooked, when he wasn’t being buried by fellow chef Guy Mitchell who was clearly trying to live out his dreams of being the next David Letterman. Regardless of his culinary accomplishments, Mitchell had no business with a microphone, especially considering the extremely racist Chinese and Japanese jabs he continuously took at Song (he didn’t even know the difference between Chinese and Japanese). Damn Emeril for making these cooks think they’re all entertaining! This wacky chef routine is getting old! Next thing you know we’ll be heading to the Stress Factory where they feature Stand-Up Chefs. Instead of one liners, he’ll throw appetizers at you. In between his shtick, Song whipped up macadamia encrusted scallops drizzled with wasabi verblanc sauce and asparagus rolled in Italian pancetta. Champagne was also handed out like it was gatorade on the sidelines of a New York Giants game.

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Ketchup has always been my favorite condiment, even to the extent of finding it in my stocking on Christmas morning, but barbecue sauce is in my top 3. You can’t really lose when it comes to barbecue sauce because they all have strong points. There aren’t many BAD barbecue sauces out there, some are serviceable and do the trick, while others bowl your mouth over and make you want to jump into the bottle and bathe in the sauce. Upon sampling two pieces of meat dunked in the sweet and spicy versions of Funni Bonz barbecue sauce, it made me want to grab a basting brush and start lathering myself up with it. The only thing that comes close to comparing the feeling I got when I came in contact with this sauce is when Saul first introduces Dale to the Pineapple Express weed in Pineapple Express. Saul hands Dale the bag of bud and tells him to smell it:

DALE: Ohhhhh!
SAUL: what do you want to bathe in it?
DALE: I just want to live in here
SAUL: Yes, you want to BE it?
DALE: Oh my God! I just want to shove it up my nose and have that smell all day! That’s amazing…
SAUL: Shove it anywhere you’d like.

Later, after trudging through torrential downpours on our drive home, we dunked some delicious breaded chicken in both the spicy and sweet sauces that I bought. I was literally licking the spoon as if we had just made chocolate chip cookies. Do your damndest to get your hands on several jars of Funni Bonz BBQ sauce! The company was founded by 2 best friends from New Jersey. For more visit http://www.blogger.com/www.funnibonz.com or http://funnibonz.blogspot.com/

I left this event with one complaint. If you’re an exhibitor or salesman for a company at this festival, you need to step up your game. When it comes to food and alcohol, you need to be smooth. People want free stuff when they go to these events, not to be given the hard sell. When they get samples and free swag, they’re more apt to recommend your product to friends. So if I hear you utter the phrase “You want to buy some?” it’s probable that I won’t. I want to hear information as to why I want your product in or around my mouth. Fill my ear with the subtle nuances that make your product better than its competitors. Does it have natural ingredients? Damn, do I have to do your jobs for ya?

The Atlantic City Food and Wine Festival has been going on since 2007, and judging by this years expansive event, it will only get bigger. If you find yourself watching Food Network constantly and you have an appreciation for fine cuisine and liquor, then make it a point to be a part of it next year!

www.SexyArmpit.com

Orange Cream Pop Tarts Limited Edition

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Reviewing every odd flavor of Pop Tarts takes its toll. When my girlfriend picked up this box of Orange Cream Pop Tarts for me I was stricken with dejavu. Not a fatal condition by any means, but damn, after having too many obscure Pop Tart flavors infiltrate my body, they all seem to flow together. I’m now referring to my blood as “filling” and telling people that I’m not in the mood for their mouth because I haven’t been “toasted” yet. Fortunately, I’ve had the foresight not to let the “frosted” part come into play, especially on my hair.

If you’re a long time reader of the Armpit, you know that Orange Cream is a flavor that excites me. My hopes remain high for Orange Cream, even though many times they are shat on miserably. Sometimes you get a lemon, right? Not this time. These limited run Pop-Tarts basically scored an uppercut and said “AIN’T NO F’N LEMONS HERE!” They are a triumph for the orange cream genre. If there were an Orange Cream Emmy Awards show, these suckers would clean up big time.

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If you’re a fan of the flavor you’ll enjoy the nice, mellow balance of orange and cream. Too often companies release some zany in your face limited edition flavor, whether it’s a soda or Fruit by the Foot, and it tastes terrible. Usually to blame for a bad tasting orange cream flavored snack or drink is its lack of flavor balance. If you’re bowled over by the offensive amount of orange in your first bite or sip, then you know it’s not going to be an orange cream dream. Subtlety is key.

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The packaging is a bit curious. Would it make me happier to see a typical graphic depicting oranges and vanilla ice cream in a ’50s motif? Not really, since that’s been done to death already. I suppose I can live with the bizarre dragonflys, frogs, and birds, even though they have absolutely nothing to do with Orange Cream flavoring at all. Maybe Kellog’s is trying to say that these suckers are so delicious that they’ll make you feel like you’re floating around above some grassy meadow that has a garden that grow creamsicles? The packages intention was most likely designed so the super special flavor will greet you during those spring and summer mornings when you just can’t look at another bowl of Fiber One.

Orange Cream Pop Tarts obliterate the trendy/wacky flavors like Dulce Du Leche and Guava Mango (wha?). Regardless of their status as greatest limited edition Pop Tart flavor ever, to me, they are still just a “once in a while” treat. Even though they’re nearly perfect, they won’t be ones I’ll crave constantly which is probably why they were banished to the limited edition abyss. Frosted Cherry and Frosted Brown Sugar Cinnamon remain the pillars of the Pop-Tart fleet.

www.SexyArmpit.com

Doritos: Late Night – For Those With The Munchies

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Blissful moments are rarities in life depending on how you look at things. To some, a blissful moment might be watching their child blow a dandelion into the wind or taking a deep breath of fresh air on a sunny day while walking around the park. For the inner couch potato such as myself, that same wonderful feeling is captured when a crunchy, seasoned, triangle of corn gets placed on my tongue like communion. This triangle of corn I speak of is more commonly referred to as the Dorito. It’s pungent odor infiltrates my nostrils and it’s taste ignites my senses. No, you’re not reading a Dorito advertisement, but this is one of life’s grand moments and it should be described with proper sentiments. Hell, I don’t mind telling the world how much I love eating Doritos and they aren’t even paying me! But what I’d rather discuss is the lack of advertising for these 2 new additions to the Dorito lineup.

I found 2 flavors from the new Doritos line, “Late Night,” at the local Target store in NJ. When I saw them on the shelf, as always, my heart skipped a beat. It was as if I was running through a meadow and the bags had arms and legs and were valiantly dashing toward me. I didn’t just see 2 bags of Doritos, no way, we found each other and we didn’t even need Plenty of Fish. I gently placed the bags into the top of my shopping cart as if they were sexy twin Playboy playmates. I’m not gonna lie, I may have caressed the bags at one point or another throughout my 3-hour Target tour. I don’t want to hear about how weird you think it is…not even for a second! You would need some attention also if you had to wait for me to wander into the toy section, the DVD aisle, and try on all the lame hats.

In an attempt to grab the attention of late night munchie maniacs, the lettering on these bags glow in neon lights. It was difficult, but I was fairly positive that I was staring at a bag of chips, not at a drive-thru like Taco Bell. Close but no Chalupa said the chiuaua. Are you one of those people who get excited at knowing Taco Bell and White Castle are open late so you can soak up all the alcohol you just downed? Then these tortilla chips may just be perfect for you.

Tacos at Midnight: I’d say the flavor accuracy is dead on in these chips. Heavily dusted, they truly give off an immediate taste of eating classic crunchy tacos. It brought me back to when I was a kid and we had taco night at my house. It was fun because my mom would set out bowls of toppings and we’d jam pack the crunchy shells. As soon as we took the first bite everything would fall out. From that moment it was only soft tacos for me. I give Doritos credit for engineering a truly genuine taco flavor, I can’t say I really enjoy them though. They didn’t taste zesty at all and lacked the punch I was hoping for. I can only consider these to be a mediocre addition to the Dorito line.

Last Call Jalapeno Popper: All I have to say is thank the LORD that these weren’t called “Last Call with Carson Daly Poppers.” That would be theeeee worst TV show tie-in in the history of the world. What the f–k kind of flavor would they give Carson Daly? Probably “ass” flavored Doritos, but if we’re lucky it would be NyQuil flavored so we’d fall asleep soundly before his show even went on! Jalapeno Poppers as an appetizer always sound great in theory, but after you have a bunch of them, you realize they weren’t such a good idea. I can handle hot food, especially Jalapenos, but there’s something about mixing them with various rich cheeses that gets me queasy after forcing down Jalapeno Popper #11. I try to stick to small doses of J.P’s, but when it comes to Doritos, as I’ve stated numerous times, I can typically eat a half bag of Doritos without even thinking. That didn’t bode so well considering that after eating a bunch of these I was left feeling really gross. With Nacho Cheese Doritos I always finish feeling like I could easily annihilate 16 more bags. If your eating something called “Last Call Jalapeno Poppers,” it’s probably because there were 3 or 4 poppers left on a baking sheet that fell on the floor in the kitchen of Bennigan’s and they figured it would be a nice gesture to bring out some FREE SNACKS! Obviously people drink more when they’ve just eaten a bunch of hot, salty balls. More beer please! Unfortunately, I can only rate the Last Call Jalapeno Popper a half a step above the Tacos at Midnight variation.

I don’t see a proclamation on their bags stating these new Doritos are for a “limited time only,” or a “special edition.” That’s usually just another way of stating, “this is just a test.” Even though they aren’t anywhere near as good as Doritos Collisions, why not exploit these bad boys?

www.SexyArmpit.com

Pop Tarts: Vanilla Milkshake

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Boy, am I relieved that Kellogs has infused CALCIUM into their morning toaster pastries. Never before has eating a Pop Tart been this exciting! Even before adding their new ingredient, Pop Tarts weren’t the worst choice for a fast breakfast. With the latest info that calcium may ward off colon cancer, you have the perfect excuse to eat these babies 3-4 times a day at a minimum. When you see what all the people at my job are eating at the cafeteria in the morning, these Pop Tarts don’t seem all that bad in comparison.

I’ve always been a fan of Pop Tarts, but more specifically, untoasted Frosted Cherry or Frosted Brown Sugar Pop Tarts. I feel ancient when I stroll through the aisle at the grocery store and see all these crazy variations of Pop Tarts considering I remember the days when Kellogs only offered about 4 different flavors. Now you name it, they offer it. I wouldn’t be surprised if they release Creme Brule Pop Tarts, or even Tiramisu. (I was just kidding but I found out they actually make Dulce De Leche) Clearly, Kellogs is taking this a little overboard, but the big push for exotic varieties in toaster pastries really makes the brand name Pop Tarts stand out on the shelves.

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As a cousin to their Strawberry Milkshake version, Kellogs has released Vanilla Milkshake Pop Tarts. Whenever I go to White Castle, I have to order a vanilla milkshake. I’m not sure why but it’s just something about their shakes. I enjoy vanilla milkshakes so I was banking on these Tarts being pretty damn awesome. As soon as I got home, I poured a highball of ice cold milk, grabbed a paper plate, and ripped open the foil wrapping. Colored sprinkles were sparse, but the fact that they were there made me happy. I cut the first tart in two pieces and noticed the filling was pretty gooey and moist which was an immediate difference from the other varieties. The fruit filling is usually more of a paste-like consistency.

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The flavor was dead-on-balls accurate! These things taste just like a vanilla milkshake! The milkshake flavor is authentic and the sweetness isn’t overpowering. I recommend them if you are a fan of vanilla milkshakes. Next I’m hoping to try Orange Cream, whole grain, and their Fiberrific versions.
www.SexyArmpit.com

Best Posts of 2008

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The hustle and bustle of the Christmas season impaired my blog consistency. Between Christmas shopping and work I nearly wanted to vomit when I thought of creating quality posts in the last few weeks. I don’t know how some bloggers can post up to 6 times a day when I feel like it’s a fairly big deal to create just ONE well put together post. Well, here’s another classic copout of a blog post: THE BEST POSTS OF 2008! The following is an exhaustively egotistical look at all of my favorite posts I wrote throughout the year, which somehow translates to the “Best Posts.” If you enjoy coming to this site, I appreciate it very much! For new visitors and long time friends, New Jersey is still a mess of swamps, toxic waste, and a ton of pop culture garbage, so have no fear, 2009 will not let you down! 































www.SexyArmpit.com

Peculiar Food Habits

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Most of us have our little food quirks. What better a day to discuss these eccentricities than on Thanksgiving? After you’re finished jamming the various courses into your stomach, please share with us some of your favorite weird, wacky food combos!
Some people I know can’t eat a meal if the food on their plate touches the other food. For instance if the broccoli hits the mashed potatoes in even the slightest way, or the potatoes got onto the steak they’ll freak the F out. Might as well throw the entire plate of food out! C’MON! I don’t mind if the food on my plate gets intermingled because of that old cliche “It all goes to the same place.” 
There’s also the folks that are obsessed with certain combinations of food. It’s not like they are just throwing different food or drinks together for the hell of it either. These are the type of people who have been creating these specific concoctions for their entire lives. Look at how popular Iced Tea & Lemonade has become! Shit, my Dad even created his own drink in the ’80s called Pep-Tea. Of course it sounded like some sort of gastric medication but I laughed my ass off after he purposely poured the remaining liquid at the bottom of a Pepsi bottle into his half full glass of iced tea. “Hey Jay, It’s Pep-Tea!” It was a one of a kind moment because he was genuinely proud of his comical creation. If it wasn’t violating tons of copyrights and infringing on trademarks, he would’ve marketed that shit. When I was a kid, while eating lunch at his house, my friend Greg dipped pretzels into strawberry ice cream. He asked if I wanted to try it and I can’t say I didn’t enjoy it, it just came completely out of left field to me. That reminds me of the outrageous practice of dipping french fries into a Wendy’s Frosty. That just seems like the work of Satan to me. Have you ever done that? As gross as I can get, I still won’t cross that line.
I have an abundant amount of food habits as well, but most of them consist of combining my food into a sort of witches brew. If I happen to be eating meatloaf and mashed potatoes I usually just mash the meat and some ketchup into the mashed potatoes into something similar to what KFC now sells as a “Famous Bowl.” In this instance, I feel like they’re pulling the old “let’s put water in bottles and sell it!” scheme. If someone ever told me that my cauldron of ketchup infused meaty mashed potatoes actually looked good, then I may have had a great idea on my hands. Of course, not one person ever said “Hey, that looks good!” or “I do that with meatloaf too!” I do the same thing if I’m eating Oreos which is super rare. I think it just seems more efficient rather than twisting the Oreo open and wasting time licking the creme. After that I’d have to dunk and wait until the cookie gets mushy, so I bypass all that and go for the gusto.  I’ll get a glass or a bowl of milk and just let the Oreos chill in there for a bit and then just eat them all soggy with a spoon as if it’s Oreo soup. Uh-oh…Oreo soup, get on it Nabisco!
There are also people that eat stuff that I just think is totally weird. Recently at work, I overheard a guy talking about how he enjoys eating pigs feet. He claims they taste “just like a juicy piece of steak.” The same guy says pickled eggs are great also. To me, these are fairly disgusting things to be putting in or around my mouth. Today especially, you’ll notice some of your friends or relatives eating the actual bones of turkey or chicken, and eating the marrow. Total barbarians!
Another whacked out concoction I’ve dabbled in occasionally when I was younger is Milk and Pepsi. At the time I had no idea that it was a favorite of Laverne’s from Laverne & Shirley. I used to watch reruns of it when I was very young but I never made the connection. My mother pointed it out one day and she got a kick out of it. Years later this lead me to try making a creamsicle type drink by mixing orange soda with milk. It may sound disgusting to some, but it’s actually pretty good. I’m actually not a straight milk drinker unless there’s some sort of dessert involved. I’ll never understand the Milk with Dinner abomination. Forget about coffee with lunch or dinner, that’s out of the question. Coffee is for breakfast or after a meal only!
It’s possible that I’m just lazy when it comes to food or I actually like tasting all the leftovers together at the same time. Sometimes I’ll take 3 different leftovers and throw them into one bowl, mix it all up, microwave it, and then throw some sauce on it (BBQ, ketchup, honey mustard etc). The less work I have to do to eat the better. I’m not passed throwing everything into a blender and drinking my meal either. My friend Steve used to make fun of my odd blending obsession by asking me “What are you drinking…a Meat smoothie?” I would never take part in ingesting something that disgusting, but if we can get closer to becoming the Jetsons in this world I’d be happy. I’d like to pop a “lunch” pill with all the important nutrients, vitamins, and protein my body needs to be operating at an optimum level. Think of how easy food shopping would become! We could probably just have a few bottles of tablets shipped to us.
Happy Thanksgiving! Let us know some of your weird food habits:
www.SexyArmpit.com

Novelty Nosh: Ninja New York Japanese Restaurant

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If being served sushi by a waiter dressed as a Ninja is on your list of things to do before you die, then you need to visit Ninja New York. No, Ninja New York is NOT a ninjutsu academy that trains you to be part of the Foot Clan, but it IS a Japanese restaurant in downtown Manhattan. It’s unique atmosphere makes you feel like you’re walking through dark, ninja infested alleyways in Japan. Keep your eyes peeled and always look over your shoulder because you never know when a stealth Ninja will sneak up on you.

Japanese music, dim lighting, and cavernous walls help create the ambiance. Upon entering the restaurant you’re welcomed into a descending elevator with gradually dimming lights. After a ninja surprise, you must choose whether to take the normal path or the shortcut. From there, each group or couple is seated at a table in their own little cove where they are greeted by a Ninja waiter who tends to your every whim. Be careful though, because those whims are pretty damn expensive! The prices are fairly steep but you’ll most likely be going for the experience rather than the food. Do you go to Medieval Times for the food? Hell no! You go to root on your knight, get your hands greasy, and drink some beer.

Even though from a culinary aspect, the food is masterfully prepared, beautifully presented, and very flavorful, I still left unimpressed with the cuisine considering the prices. If you choose to order one of their multi-course, price fixed meals, then you could be spending anywhere from $50 – $200. Compared to some other ritzy places in Manhattan, that’s actually getting off cheap. Ordering one of the price fixed meals will provoke a ninja to come to your table and do some sort of trick. We had one ninja create a spark that lit one of our friend’s dinner on fire. In fear of having my face burned off, I opted for a few selections from the ala carte menu.

Here’s what I ordered:

The Spicy Tuna Roll consisted of “tuna and tobiko mixed in a spicy sauce and cucumber rolled in rice cubes.” The rolls were not traditional spicy tuna rolls, which disappointed me. Certain foods can be “reimagined” or modified, but please don’t f–k with spicy tuna rolls. If they look and taste different, give them a new name! I give the chefs credit for creativity but, unlike Barack Obama, spicy tuna rolls are not ready for change. Don’t mess with a successful formula. Your local sushi place most likely has better tasting, less fancy, and surely less expensive sushi. That’s the way to go if you’re just out to grab sushi.

The Creamy Shrimp is a “Chinese style battered fried shrimp mixed with a creamy mayonnaise sauce combined with condensed milk and dry gin, sprinkled with cashew nuts and coriander leaves.” The sauce that the shrimp was drenched in was delicious, but the texture of the shrimp was kind of creepy. It seemed as if the shrimp was only halfway cooked, so it had a very soft, mushy texture. This entree would’ve been perfect if the shrimp was more firm.

Choco Wasabi Salmon was “grilled salmon served with wasabi honey sauce decorated with basils.” Just like my shrimp, I enjoy my salmon to have some firmness. In firmness levels, the salmon was like a bean bag chair when it should’ve been a Tempur-Pedic mattress. This salmon could’ve taken some lessons from a Tuna Steak. MAN UP YOU STUPID LIMP SALMON! The sauce that it was bathing in had a very deep flavor but was overpowered by struggling sweet and salty flavors. There wasn’t much trace of the wasabi flavor either.

Ninja New York is an excellent novelty restaurant, and perfect for a night out with a group of friends. It offers a superior atmosphere and great service. Pay a visit for the experience rather than it’s Japanese fare. I would’ve enjoyed my selections more if they weren’t as fancy schmancy. I could also do without the cameo from the magician before dessert. I despise that almost as much as having a girl come over to my table to make balloon animals.

ninjanewyork.com
25 Hudson Street
New York, NY 10013

www.SexyArmpit.com

Upstate Farms Intense Mint Chip and Orange Scream Milk

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I don’t scream for ice cream, I sort of give a half-assed whimper. Considering all the junk food and candy that I talk about here at the Armpit, I’m actually not a big fan dessert or candy. If I have to choose a dessert, I enjoy simple stuff like milk and cookies. Not surprisingly, chocolate chip cookies are one of my favorites, and if they’re homemade I like them even more. But when you’re dealing with a strange guy like me, it can never be that easy. Milk and cookies aren’t much work to whip up, but not in my case. I like my chocolate chip cookies homemade, and WITHOUT the chocolate chips! To me they just interfere with my favorite part of the cookie.

Amongst my profusion of hangups, quirks, and pet peeves, I also loathe the chips of chocolate in Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream. The funny part is, I’m not a chocolate hater, it’s just that the chips ultimately get in the way of my enjoyment of the dessert. The chips in mint chocolate chip ice cream always get stuck in my teeth and it’s super annoying. I’d like to enjoy the chocolate but I can’t because it makes a pit stop in my molars and doesn’t come out until I brush my teeth. If I could just get the pastel green mint ice cream sans the chocolate chips, I’d be a pig in shit. The only way I could take it to the next level is if I had mint (remember: no chocolate chips) in “soft ice cream” form rather than “hard.” 
When I was a kid I remember telling my sister that I liked letting my ice cream turn into “soup.” Once my ice cream liquefied I would just drink it right out of the bowl. Drinkable ice cream was my favorite, and still is. I even like to let my ICEE’s and Slurpee’s melt so I could get the prime flavor of the syrup without the minuscule ice pellets getting in the way and freezing my brain. To sum up what you’ve just read: I like my Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream melted and without chocolate chips in it.

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On my weekly trip to Wegman’s, I was waiting in line to check out but got distracted by a plastic bottle of green liquid in a refrigerated section near the exit. Wegman’s has an extra dairy section at the front of the store for convenience, in case you don’t feel like running all the way to the back of the store just to grab a gallon of milk. I grabbed the “Intense” Mint Chip flavor by Upstate Farms immediately as if I was the only person who knew this treasure was on the shelf! 

Aside from name dropping their own brand name about 62 times, (Intense!) the label on the back of the bottle describes the drink as “…a creamy and indulgent drink…” Then the label goes on to say “This is the drink of choice for the mint chip ice cream lover on the go.” It’s fairly awesome that they’re actually marketing a drink to a group of people known as “mint chip ice cream lovers.” I never realized I was part of that demographic, but I like it! The Intense Mint Chip contains the typical benefits of milk such as vitamins and protein, but unfortunately has 35 MG’s of cholesterol in case you’d rather not have a heart attack.

Intense Mint Chip is the type of drink you want to sip on a crisp moonlit night while you’re rolling down the highway as the street lights are streaking past you like your in light speed and the stereo is blasting Laura Branigan’s “Self Control.” It doesn’t matter that you’re sipping milk…you still feel really cool. Trust me.

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Considering how exalted the Mint Chip flavor is, the Orange Scream can’t come close to its greatness. Think of the Intense Orange Scream as the sub par sequel, or the redheaded stepchild of the Intense milk family. Upstate Farms falls short with their Orange Scream, which is yet another failed attempt at creating the classic orange cream flavor. (Sunkist also failed recently with their miserable orange cream float.) One of the major strikes against Orange Scream is that it substitutes what’s supposed to be a nondescript “cream” flavor for a strong vanilla flavor. The cream shouldn’t necessarily be defined as “vanilla” because then it has the chance to overpower the orange flavor. The vanilla flavor may be forgiven if it isn’t a true “vanilla bean” flavor since a regular “no frills” vanilla would work better. There’s an exact balance of orange and cream flavor that needs to be perfected to achieve orange cream paradise. On a positive note, unlike the mint chip, the orange scream is creamy yet still low fat. Its label is pretty exciting or should I say…INTENSE! Even though I didn’t enjoy their Orange Scream formula, I have to hand it to Upstate Farms just for their sheer variety of offerings such as Chocolate, Strawberry, Vanilla, Cookies and Cream, and Mocha Java. Now all us Star Wars fans need is an “Intense Blue: A New Hope Special Edition Milk.” I hear it’s going to be high in midichlorians. Come on, where’s the freakin marketing people now? Can I get some kickbacks for that?

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Atomic Food Containers – Perfect for Leftover Eaters in New Jersey

Posted on by sexyarmpit
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You know those catalogs that come in the mail that feature every variation of the leg lamp from A Christmas Story? It turns out that the What On Earth catalog is one of them. They also feature a whole lot of other junk you’ll probably never use, but sure looks damn cool while you’re thumbing through the catalog. Doesn’t everyone need a silky Rocky Balboa robe just like the one he walked to the ring in? You can recreate his bout against Clubber Lang only in a much crappier way. Your bed can be the ring and your pillow can be Clubber Lang. (Not that I’ve ever had any experiences similar to that or anything, I’m just saying) I don’t think “boxing buddies” ever existed to compete with “wrestling buddies,” but if they did I would buy up an army of Clubber Lang’s. I like my pillow replicas of boxers to be pretty badass what can I say? He pillows the fool.
After that arduous exhibition bout against Clubber Lang, you’re sure to work up a fierce appetite. Time to make a masculine, easy to prepare, yet satisfying meal such as chili. What should you do with the huge 20 gallon vat of chili sitting on the stove that you don’t want to throw away? Well, if you happen to live in New Jersey then these Atomic Food Containers are perfect to store your leftovers while managing to be tongue in cheek at the same time. How many Tupperware do you own at this second that you can say have a sense of humor? I know for a fact that none of my containers have any personality whatsoever. If you really want to let your wife know that her cooking sucks more than Peg Bundy’s, then these may just be the way to go. Although you might want to present her with them BEFORE the holidays that way you don’t have to experience her “raisin liverwurst surprise upside down cake.”
What On Earth doesn’t sponsor this site, but I thought these were bizarre and appropriate enough to mention regardless. The set of 3 containers feature these labels: Nuclear Waste – Eat and Glow. Biodangerous – Yesterday’s Leftovers. Experimental Meal – Consume at Own Risk.
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