garden state playmates Archives - Page 3 of 4

Jane Krakowski is March’s Garden State Playmate

Posted on April 1, 2010 by sexyarmpit

In my world, before her success as Jenna Maroney on 30 Rock, Jane Krakowski’s most notable role was in National Lampoon’s Vacation. The amount of times myself or someone I was speaking to has quoted Cousin Vicki’s notorious line has reached infinity by now. Say it with me:

COUSIN VICKI: “I’m going steady…and I french kiss…”
AUDREY: “So, everybody does that…”
COUSIN VICKI: “Yeah, but daddy says I’m the best at it…”

Match that little sliver of dialogue with Jane Krakowski’s superb white trash delivery and it solidified her as one of the most talented comedic actresses. Sure, her list of films since Vacation in 1983 has not been spectacular, but she has done steady work, especially in television. Her roles in shows like Ally McBeal and 30 Rock have gained her Golden Globes, SAG awards, and Primetime Emmys.

Presently, Krakowski’s star status is credible and has made mostly everyone forget about how she had to play Betty O’Shale in the prequel, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas. And, if you are a horror buff like me, IMDB lets us in on the tidbit that Krakowski was originally cast in the original Sleepaway Camp as Judy, but dropped out because she felt her death scene was too violent. I don’t think that role would have swayed the direction of her career either way, but if she had been offered the role of Angela, now that decision would have made an impact. Some of Krakowski’s other film roles include Fatal Attraction, Go, Ice Age, Surf’s Up, The Rocker, and Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant.

In addition to her TV and film credits, Krakowski is a singer and has appeared in several Broadway productions such as Grand Hotel, Once Upon a Mattress, and won a Tony Award for her performance in Nine. She also appeared in the 2005 version of Guys and Dolls in London starring Ewan McGregor.

The Parsippany, New Jersey born actress receives extra points for starring in A Muppets Christmas: Letters to Santa, which is one of the better Muppets TV movies, as well as an episode of…The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles!

Taryn Thomas is January’s Garden State Playmate!

Posted on January 31, 2010 by sexyarmpit

Porn mirrors pop culture. Porn doesn’t just provide a diversion for legions of horny people, and dictates what home video format we’ll be purchasing for the next 10 years, but also grabs its influences from what’s hot on TV and in the movies. Joining the ranks of porn parodies like Casabangca, Edward Penishands, and Muffy the Vampire Layer, is Jersey Shore XXX starring Jersey born adult film actress Taryn Thomas.

Taryn Thomas, the dirtiest girl in porn, will be playing Snooki in the upcoming adult version of MTV’s New Jersey based reality show. Even though it may be a departure from her role in Evil Angels Vault of Whores and The Cream Team 2, Taryn’s bountiful skills will easily make any guy she’s in a scene with rise to the occasion.

Seeking to have more creative control over her projects, Taryn grabbed the shaft by the balls and started her own production company called Taryn It Up Entertainment. I admire her gusto and of course…her busto. Rimshot! In addition to her extensive work in the adult film industry, Taryn has studied cosmetology, has a pharmacy technician license, and even went to real estate school! That is what I call versatile. After she bangs you six ways from Sunday she’ll do your guyliner, prescribe you some allergy meds, and then bring you to a snazzy open house. What a girl!

After discussing her Jersey roots at the eXXXotica convention in Edison, NJ

If you’re like Paul Rudd’s character, David, in 40 Year Old Virgin, and you have a compilation like Boner Jamz ’03, adding Jersey Shore XXX to Boner Jamz 2010 is a must! Check out the trailer:

http://twitter.com/TarynThomas

http://www.myspace.com/tarynthomas

http://jerseyshorexxx.com

Brittany Murphy is December’s Garden State Playmate

Posted on December 31, 2009 by sexyarmpit

The Sexy Armpit was extremely saddened by the recent death of actress Brittany Murphy. Although she was born in Georgia, she grew up in Edison, New Jersey. Murphy attended Herbert Hoover School in Edison, NJ and the Verne Fowler School of Dance in Colonia, NJ. At only 32 years old, Murphy was too young to die, but thankfully she left us with many memorable performances which may only receive the credit they deserve now that she’s not with us anymore. Life is kind of f-cked up isn’t it?

Many of us remember Brittany Murphy as Tai in 1995’s Clueless, but prior to that she appeared in Drexell’s Class, an episode of Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, as well as an appearance on Kids Incorporated among many other shows. Standout performances in Don’t Say a Word, 8 Mile, and Sin City finally helped garner Brittany Murphy some much deserved credit. You can say what you will about Just Married, but I saw it in the theater when it came out just based on her starring in it and I actually enjoyed it. She was dating her co-star Ashton Kutcher at the time and it definitely showed on screen. (Upon learning of her death, Kutcher tweeted “2day the world lost a little piece of sunshine…” and “see you on the other side kid.”) Since then Murphy continued acting in addition to lending her voice to Happy Feet, King of the Hill, and Futurama.

If you happened to see Abby Elliot do an impression of her on Saturday Night Live about a week before she passed away, then you know that Murphy was one of a kind and quirky. In many of her roles, Murphy evoked an innocent, loveable quality similar to Drew Barrymore’s demeanor while still being undeniably sexy. What’s most disappointing about her death, is that she won’t be able to celebrate the premiere of The Expendables, one of the most anticipated films of 2010, starring a who’s who of action stars. If the film is a success, her stock in Hollywood may have went up.

Back in 2005, everyone I knew was buzzing about how Brittany Murphy came back to Edison for the tree lighting ceremony and was given the key to the town. The NJ.com article reporting her death also mentions this event.

Chelsea Handler is November’s Garden State Playmate!

Posted on December 1, 2009 by sexyarmpit

Seriously, the last time I watched E! network was when Hal Sparks was doing his short stint on Talk Soup. Usually I’m nauseated by the E! channel and all their newfangled shows they throw on the tube to see if they stick. Hey you there…aren’t you that dumbass show that we all know is going to be cancelled after 6 episodes? A swift thumb up the ass of the channel button on my remote will make you disappear real quick. Personally, I’d rather watch Vipers starring Tara Reid, Corbin Bernsen, and a bunch of mutated snakes than anything on E! That’s how I felt until a few months ago when I first caught an episode of Chelsea Lately on E! and it was actually funny.

When I saw the promos for Chelsea Lately before its premiere a couple of years ago, I just figured Chelsea Handler was another schmucky female TV personality like Meredith Vieira, Dayna Devon, or Mario Lopez. Yeah, you read that right. I’m not going overboard or anything, and I won’t write it in the sky, but I did find Chelsea Handler to be mildly to even moderately entertaining. Now, it’s nothing sexist, so don’t get your panties in a bunch, but statistically speaking, only a select harem of women can make me laugh. Here are a few ladies that I find particularly funny: Kristen Wiig, Ellen Degeneres, Phyllis Diller, Suzy Soro, Abby Elliot, Kerri Kenney-Silver, Anna Lefler, Jane Curtain, Rita Rudner, Michaela Watkins (…bitch please!), Nasim Pedrad, and Rachel Dratch. I’m sure there’s more, but how many of these women can say they have spent time on the NY Times Best Seller list? In March, Handler will release her third book called Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang. Damn that’s a killer title.

To elevate her career that much more, and to make her stock soar with Google Image Search, Handler just recently showed up in Playboy Magazine. As I suspected, she didn’t have the meat curtains to take it all off. Ahh well, all that matters to me is that she’s vocal about hailing from Jersey. Yep, Chelsea Handler’s bio on her official Myspace page confirms that she is the runt of 6 kids and she was “born in Livingston, NJ, to a Jewish father and a Mormon mother.” So a big congrats to Chelsea Handler for attaining the elite distinction of being this month’s Garden State Playmate, it is a title that I don’t throw around nonchalantly. Anyone who can, at the very least, make me smirk, hang out with a mischievous little person (Chuy Bravo), and thwart me from shoving my thumb up the ass of the channel button is tops in my book.

Monica Keena is October’s Garden State Playmate!

Posted on October 29, 2009 by sexyarmpit

I first saw Monica Keena on Dawson’s Creek. Ah crap, I guess that means that I actually watched that show. Yup, I did, but only the first few seasons, I swear! A few years later she also starred in one of my favorite shows ever, Judd Apatow’s Undeclared. Undeclared was another show that suffered from low ratings, but I was a staunch believer and was sad to see it go. Luckily, Keena didn’t disappear with the cancellation of Undeclared. The girl who would soon be known for chopping Freddy Krueger’s head off was born in New Jersey and raised in Brooklyn, NY.

Keena also has another Jersey connection. She provided the voice of Trishelle in The Sopranos: Road to Respect video game. The game was released for PS2 in 2006. Several people have told me that the game sucked, but I’ve yet to play it. I’ve also yet to play with Keenas boobs but that’s a whole other post. I can see it now “The Sexy Armpit: Road to Monica Keena’s Boobies.”

For a while, before she apparently had a botched plastic surgery, I thought Keena was stunning in every film or TV show I saw her in. Dammit! I even sat through the abysmal Man of the House because of her! On the other hand, Fifty Pills is still an underrated film. I also can’t forget her hot little stint on Entourage either. Unless she has some sort of miraculous resurgence, or Tarantino tweezes her ass out of Hollywood limbo, it seems like Monica Keena’s most memorable role will always be as Lori Campbell in 2003’s Freddy vs. Jason. Next up, Keena will star in the remake of Night of the Demons along with Shannon Elizabeth, Eddie Furlong, and Diora Baird.

This is one of many Keena quotes printed on her IMDB page:

“I’ve only seen two horror movies in my life, and one of them was Nightmare on Elm Street, when I was about eight years old. And it scared me so much that I couldn’t sleep for two or three months. So I always swore I would never do a horror movie. It was very cathartic to be working with Freddy and to realize he’s not a real person. Robert Englund is a really sweet guy under all the make-up.”

Kerri Green is September’s Garden State Playmate!

Posted on October 1, 2009 by sexyarmpit

“ANDI…YOU GOONIE!” is a quote permanently etched into our brains thanks to that cheap guy Troy, but you may not be as familiar with the actress who played our favorite cheerleader, Andi Carmichael, Kerri Green. Green is best known for a handful of classic ’80s films such as Lucas, Summer Rental, and her signature role in The Goonies. As September’s Garden State Playmate, Green has prime eligibility since she was born in Fort Lee, NJ and went to high school in Montvale, NJ.

Green’s IMDB will tell you that she’s starred in episodes of Mad About You, ER, and Law and Order, but does any of that matter? She could’ve quit acting after The Goonies because she made a lasting impression as the sweet cheerleader next door who made me wish it was me accidentally kissing her in that cave instead of Mikey. At the time The Goonies came out, I was a little kid and Andi was the typical older high school girl who may have hung around with my older sister.

Green didn’t just portray Andi as the cute teenaged cheerleader. She was innocent, yet tough at the same time. One second she’s screaming and scared shitless, and the next she’s scolding Troy that she’ll smack him in the face and later bragging about how she elbowed his lip. Also, in a subtle nod to Judy Garland’s Dorothy, vulnerable Andi whined that she wasn’t a Goonie and she wanted to go home, but she can still organize the shit out of a victory pyramid. Kerri Green can play my bones any day.

**On a side note, a big thank you to Troy for planting the idea in my young male brain that you need not be perverse to see some crotch, you just need to be crafty. So, thank you Troy Perkins for teaching us, NAY, the WORLD, the old Rear View Mirror Upskirt Move.

Tawny Cypress is August’s Garden State Playmate

Posted on August 21, 2009 by sexyarmpit

heroes,tawny cypress,new jersey,point pleasant

When I first noticed Tawny Cypress on Heroes a few years ago, all I could think of was “There’s ANOTHER Tawny out there besides Tawny Kitaen?” Yes, it’s unfortunate, but I seriously thought that. Why should we all become more acquainted with Tawny Cypress? Unlike Kitaen, a typical California girl, Cypress hails from Point Pleasant, New Jersey and she’s appeared in an episode of one of the funniest shows ever, Stella. Perhaps she’s not as well known as Kitaen, but Cypress is exceedingly more sophisticated than a glorified hair metal groupie who made a habit of dancing on hoods of cars.

Cypress has built up a strong TV background starring in All My Children, Third Watch, Law & Order: SVU, and recently Rescue Me, while Kitaen has had a publicized cocaine habit and an affinity for domestic violence. Possibly working against Cypress is the fact that she doesn’t have an ’80s classic starring Tom Hanks on her list of credits, (Bachelor Party!) Now raise your hands if you remember The NEW WKRP in Cincinnati? Great! All 2 of you remember that show! Ironically, Tawny Kitaen played Mona, the smarty pants nighttime DJ. Cypress may not be a future Nobel Prize nominee like Kitaen, but she can back up her habit of snagging intellectual roles since she’s studied at Boston University, Westminster Choir College in Princeton, and Mason Gross at Rutgers University.

Tawny Cypress’ character Simone did her damnedest to get her boyfriend Isaac Mendez into rehab for his heroin addiction in the first season of Heroes while Tawny Kitaen appeared on the 2nd season of VH1’s Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. And once again, The Sexy Armpit poses the age old question to you, which are the more appealing qualities: class, sensuousness, and talent or starring in a RATT video and being a former love interest of O.J Simpson? You decide!

The Sexy Armpit appreciates Tawny Cypress for representing New Jersey! Not to take anything away from the lovely actress, but her brother is an accomplished comic book artist who has worked on Image Comics’ Jersey Gods! You can view his art right here at his blogspot page: http://tobycypress.blogspot.com

Sandra Dee is June’s Garden State Playmate

Posted on June 30, 2009 by sexyarmpit

We’re officially in the midst of summer so I’ve chosen a girl who exudes the qualities of the season. This month, I’ve named the original Gidget, Sandra Dee, as June’s GSP! I guess I never told you the little loophole I have in the Garden State Playmate stipulations: I never said they had to be living!!!

Before she became a pop culture icon, Sandra Dee was born Alexandra Cymboliak Zuck in Bayonne NJ. As a child, Dee began modeling and appearing in commercials, and in the late ’50s she became a household name thanks to starring in movies like Gidget, A Summer Place, and Imitation of Life.

Dee was married to singer/actor Bobby Darin from 1960 – 1967. They wed in a spur of the moment ceremony at the home of music mogul Don Kirshner in Elizabeth NJ. In Beyond the Sea, Kevin Spacey’s 2004 biographical film about Bobby Darin, Dee is portrayed by Kate Bosworth.

To many younger folks, Dee’s perhaps best known for the song named after her in the stage production and film Grease. In the film, Betty Rizzo (Stockard Channing) choreographs a whole performance of “Look at me, I’m Sandra Dee,” for her friends at a slumber party, only to have the unassuming Sandy (Olivia Newton John) walk in to see them making fun of her prude behavior.

In a very different role, Dee starred in The Dunwich Horror based on an H.P Lovecraft story. For more, there’s a phenomenal write up on the film at Teleport City!

Zoe Saldana is May’s Garden State Playmate!

Posted on May 22, 2009 by sexyarmpit

I admit it, I first came across New Jersey born actress Zoe Saldana in the Britney Spears movie Crossroads. I have no reason to lie to you, I didn’t think it was that bad! The film wasn’t as predictable as I thought it would be, in fact, it was pretty shlocky and had a few unexpected twists. They were almost as unexpected as reading that Zoe likes to wear men’s clothing occasionally. Who doesn’t dig a girl in a man’s business shirt wearing nothing else? That’s always a WIN if you ask me, since she’ll probably feel obligated to take it to get dry cleaned afterwards. You know how girls are, always concerned about returning your clothes in a fragrantly clean condition. For a second there it made me think “Damn, Zoe must smell really good…” then I remembered that’s an impossibility, because she’s from New Jersey!

In 2003, Zoe scored a pretty sizeable role as Anamaria in one of my favorite movies of all time, Pirates of the Caribbean. Out of the 8 times I saw it in the theater, I was, without a doubt, the ONLY person male or female to announce fairly loudly “HEY, THAT’S THE GIRL FROM CROSSROADS!” I then continued to ogle her and sip my cold, refreshing, $5 dollar cherry ICEE.

Uhura’s hotness quotient has risen, among other things. Casting Zoe in the new Trek film was a power move since it made watching the film a lot easier for those who weren’t previously fans of Star Trek. Hey now! That’s one Sexy Armpit! Something just beamed up in my trousers! Coming soon, look out for Zoe starring in James Cameron’s Avatar!

Ali Larter is April’s Garden State Playmate!

Posted on April 30, 2009 by sexyarmpit

Don’t read this post and start thinking that ALL Jersey girls look like Ali Larter, because unfortunately that just isn’t true. What IS true is that many of the characters she plays possess traits of a Jersey girl. For Larter, a native of Cherry Hill, NJ, acting like a badass seems to come naturally.

Her resume has caused many a geek to cream their pants. Back around ’99, those same geeks might have also asked their girlfriends to wear whip cream underwear. If you weren’t aware of the spray on bra and panties that Larter redi-whipped onto herself in Varsity Blues, then you must’ve been buried under falling rocks in the Batcave during a cataclysmic earthquake. You’re forgiven if you have that clause in your movie watching contract that prohibits your eyelids from opening if there’s a movie or TV show with James Van Der Beek on. I don’t expect anyone to cop to knowing that the name of her Dawson’s Creek character was Kristy Livingstone, but I bet all the loose change in my BK ROTJ glass that you know Niki Sanders, her split personality psycho bitch from Heroes. If you missed her other roles that have made fanboys’ dreams come true all over the world, here’s some of the other films she’s starred in: Final Destination 1 and 2, Resident Evil: Vegas Vacation (Extinction), and my personal favorite Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

It’s a good sign that Larter is already into her 30s and still looking sexy. Hollywood usually kicks you out of town when you hit 27. Is hotness enough to help Larter’s career continue to thrive? Recently, Larter starred in Obsessed, a film in the vein of Fatal Attraction. For an indication on how good this movie is, just try to comprehend that even Peter Travers of Rolling Stone gave the film a zero. I’m sure the reviews aren’t any worse than those for her magnum opus National Lampoon’s The Stoned Age a.k.a Homo Erectus.

No bad reviews for Ali Larter here at The Sexy Armpit, only adulation. Not only does she freely admit she’s from New Jersey, but Larter is also quoted on her profile on IMDB as saying, “I hate pretty-looking boys. I’d rather have a guy with a potbelly than one who’s in the gym all the time and watches what he eats.” Who cares if she’s made some stinkers, her stock just skyrocketed!