He-Man and the Masters of the Universe Archives - Page 3 of 3

Seduced by Barbie

Posted on June 30, 2008 by sexyarmpit

Throughout my life there’s been many reasons why people have questioned my sexuality. Perhaps it was my pink bandanna phase. I swore that it was inspired by Jesse “the Body” Ventura but no one ever believed me. “Yeah right Jay, sure…Jesse the Body…that‘s it!” Even during backyard wrestling matches I’d come out dressed up like the androgynous Goldust, face paint and all freaking everyone out. My lifelong obsessions with Madonna and Prince didn’t help the cause either. Hell, I’ve even been on the receiving end of a massage and a pedicure! Go ahead, call me metro sexual. Luckily though, in my defense, there’s never been any concrete evidence against me on the subject of questioning my sexuality. Until now that is…

You see, as a child growing up with an older sister it was extremely difficult to get her to do “boy things” with me. Somehow when my sister finally caved in on those random occasions, I found myself unfulfilled when she would play as the Princess Leia action figure. Of course if it was He-Man time, she would be Teela. She wasn’t the worst action figure player but she wasn’t quite in tune with the “scene” if you catch my drift. She didn’t know Eternia from Ecuador. Ram Man could’ve been a mythological creature who was half ram and half man for all she knew. But alas she gave it her best effort. My sister’s finest skills weren’t in the creating of an original storyline to have the action figures take part in but they were in merely setting up the figures as if they were going to be in some sort of photo shoot. She would say things like “Let’s put all the good guys over here and the bad guys over here.” She was very organizational with these plastic heroes of mine. I guess I didn’t mind either because at least she was paying attention to me. There’d be times when she actually would play with her Barbie dolls and do their hair and make sure they all had the right outfits on and then set them up against the wall to show them off. To my sister it seemed like the details were more important than what adventures her dolls would be partaking in.

When my sister was in her Barbie doll playing mood, she’d be on one side of the room while I’d be on the other with my action figures. At first I detested these Barbies but then after I watched her through the open mouth of castle gray skull I realized she was having a fabulous time. (There’s another strike against me, I just used the word FABULOUS!) It wasn’t that my figures and playsets weren’t fulfilling me it was just that she seemed like she was accomplishing something with her Barbie Dolls while I sat with a bunch of hunks of plastic and Moss Man. There was a lot more pressure on me to create my own little stories to act out with the Universe of He-Man, GI Joe, WWF, etc. She could sit there and throw Skipper on a horse and have a super good time while Barbie and Ken made out on a park bench. It was that easy. Dammit, you could have anything happen in the ginormous Barbie Dream house she had. Fuck, it was called a DREAM HOUSE! Anything could happen in it! My sister even had the Barbie yacht that floated around in the pool! Talk about a cool invention! She had the Barbie corvette and everything you could possibly think of. This was the early ‘80s when Barbie was expanding her hobbies and accessories beyond your wildest dreams. Barbie’s family and group of friends suddenly grew extensively as if she just found out that she had another entire family in a parallel universe.

With her Barbie collection there was so much to be enticed by. Meanwhile I had already planned Skeletor to invade Grayskull and rule Eternia about a bazillion times. Buzz Off was getting a little boring and Duke, Shipwreck, and Zartan were already fed up with my unoriginal plots that I’d been casting them in. Let’s just say one day we all had a little falling out and I defected to the OTHER side of the room…my SISTERS side of the room.

If you’ve ever seen the episode of That ‘70s show where Kelso lets Jackie do his hair and makeup and then puts him in a dress, that’s the way I felt that day but I had fun. This move was voluntary and purely for investigative purposes. Naturally as a young healthy boy I would never think of playing with Barbie dolls, unless Cobra was plotting a terrorist attack on Barbie’s Dream house. Nah, I didn’t have anything elaborate like that planned but it just looked like fun. After my sister showed me how to primp these bitches then I set off hot-rodding in her corvette and chillin’ out in the DREAM HOUSE. It was that day that I fell in love with a hot little piece of plastic and her name was Skipper.

To be continued…

You Want It, But You Don’t NEED It!

Posted on April 10, 2008 by sexyarmpit

I’m being a real slacker lately so I’ve put together a post that will highlight some cool shit that I’ve found while clicking around the Internet. I’m sure you’ve heard of some of these, while others maybe not. There will be more posts on the way from The Sexy Armpit.com, and the very first, limited edition, SEXY ARMPIT T-Shirts are COMING SOON!

For years I have been trying to invent a robot that wheeled itself around asking “Do you want ketchup on that” And if you said yes then it’s crazy robot hands would flip up and start squirting ketchup at you…or if you’re lucky…on your fries or burger. Once I figured out that I had no skills in science in any way I put that idea to rest, probably for the better. It was just a chance discovery to find this item, it’s no robot, but at least it attempts to bring condiments up to the FUN level that they should always be at. Introducing: THE CONDIMENT GUN!

The price of this collectible has jettisoned through the entire space time continuum and came BACK and it’s still ridiculously expensive. Even cowboy hats and Mary Steenburgen couldn’t make this baby affordable. Great Scott! It’s your very own Flux Capacitor!

If you ever aspired to be Jack Burton from Big Trouble in Little China, like I did after I saw the movie when I was a kid then you need the shirt he wore in the film. Found Item Clothing has one of the best replicas of the shirt I’ve seen yet.

When I was a young Masters of the Universe freak, I was never too happy wielding a half a toy power sword while I forced my dad to carry the other half which belonged to Skeletor. It was a great gimmick to put the two halves together but one side was silver and the other was florescent yellow. I always hoped to get a power sword of my own, I even contemplated getting one tattooed on me but I figured I’d get a huge RED “G” (for geek) burned into my arm by the townspeople. That brings us to just a few years ago when the new Masters of the Universe cartoon came on Cartoon Network. The resurgence of the He-Man toy line and collectibles soared, (or ZOARED! lol) but the power sword changed and got all mechanical on us. I couldn’t stand the look of it since it was pretty far from the sleek and simple design of the original sword. To my dismay, Kingdom of Swords carried the replica of the new complicated power sword, but they also carry THE LIGHT UP SWORD OF OMENS from THUNDERCATS! This is CRAZY COOL, PEOPLE! I don’t think you understand the magnitude….just click the link and you will!

I heard about this next link on Attack of the Show. Just in case you missed it, I’ll repeat it here: GH Skinz is a skins site for your Guitar Hero guitar and drum kits. These skins will spruce up your guitar if you already haven’t plastered stickers and other foreign objects all over it already.

If you’re imaginary intergalactic adventures aren’t quite up to par lately, why don’t you buck up some dataries (try almost 6,000) and splurge on your very own life size protocol and astromech droids? Fuck yeah!

This last one is purely for those who enjoy a constant state of regression, like I do. When you grow frustrated with your life, job, wife, etc. Make a SNO-CONE from the Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine! I had one when I was a little kid and I remember making the Sno-Cones with my mom and sister and they never lived up to the hype that you got watching the ads for it. I think the process was more fun, and the anticipation of how good I thought it was going to be. Ahh, what the hell, let’s get one for the condo!

Transformation Fascination

Posted on March 28, 2008 by sexyarmpit

The other day I had a revelation. I realized that since I was a kid I always enjoyed watching the transformation of a character in TV or movies. I can’t say for sure which transformation I witnessed the earliest but I know that it’s all derived from the Jekyll & Hyde theme. There’s always been cartoons like Looney Tunes, O.G Readmore, and others that have featured characters transforming into and evil one. In other instances a hero would transform from a normal everyday person into a Superhero like Clark Kent running into a phone booth to come out as Superman. Those montages always had great appeal to me so I searched You Tube to feature some of the best transformations right here. There’s many more so feel free to leave a comment with some of your favorites!

Probably one of the most memorable transformations belongs to the Incredible Hulk:

Here’s what happens when Barbara Gordon opens her secret revolving wall…

I can’t leave out Michael J. Fox’s “changes” in Teen Wolf. Also, Michael Jackson’s transformation into the werewolf in Thriller is classic.

The forming of Voltron!

Prince Adam becomes He-Man:

Mumm-Ra, The EVER LIVING!

Getting High with Mr. Sketch

Posted on November 27, 2007 by sexyarmpit

Earlier, I was taking a shower and the air creeping over the curtain and down into my nostrils smelt like Woolworth’s in Menlo Park mall circa ’84. Sometimes I get the whiff of Cheese Nips, other times it’s the scent of hotel pools or convenience stores. I’m a scent connoisseur. Usually I perceive and recognize smells extremely fast. I may not be able to run a 7 minute mile, but I can definitely tell if the odor that’s wafting our way reminds me of Bugles. Bugles might not even be in the vicinity but there’s a definite Bugle-esque bouquet in the air. Through the years several factors have helped shape my keen ability to identify the spectrum of scents.
I don’t think I would’ve grown up to be as well adjusted as I am if it wasn’t for spending my youth sniffing the purple pie man. Strawberry Shortcake action figures were known for luring young girls in the toy aisle using their enchanting aroma. If I was over a friends house that happened to be a girl, I would sneak sniffs of the purple pie man like it was an asthma inhaler. He made such an impression on me that I’ve made “Sniffing the purple pie man” into an everyday phrase. Sometimes you need to stop and sniff the purple pie man. It’ll relax you when you’re stressed and it brings you back to the fun times when all you had to do was play with toys.
My childhood also wouldn’t have been the same if Stinkor and Moss Man didn’t smell the way they did. It’s similar to hearing a story from a senior citizen about how simple life was when they were young. Life was easier and there wasn’t much technology to keep you working at home on your laptop and getting calls and emails on your blackberry 47 times when you’re tyring to relax. Sure, we had technology and stress, but we also had smelly action figures to counteract it all. Every once in a while after a really stressful day you might catch my dad digging through my Masters of the Universe action figure box to snatch up Moss Man for just 5 seconds to nervously inhale his calming mossy aroma. No one forgets Moss Man and Stinkor, while guys like f—ing Clamp Champ are all but forgotten (except here). I bet you can still smell them if you think a little bit. People who weren’t even alive at the time remember Stinkor and Moss Man, EVERYONE knows them. I’m pretty sure Moss Man is now the President of Timor–Leste.

Remember how much fun it was to come across scratch and sniff stickers in your sticker album? Even if you could barely see the freakin‘ banana because it was scratched 865 times, you still scratched it to bring out the last faint sigh of it’s banana breath. Many times, the artificial scents on the stickers smelled way better than the real thing. Imagine if the real thing started to smell as good as the artificial version? Imagine if virgin vagina’s actually smelled like cherries? What if Grape Nuts actually smelled like grapes? That would’ve been a surefire way to get me to eat loads of them as a kid.

Not only do I have a keen sniffer but I can think up some smelly new products. Life would be grand if everything that existed had fun scents. For instance, if you walked up to your car in the morning as its glistening with morning dew and you carefully move your nose close to the paint job and your forest green Jetta smells faintly like a pine tree. As you fall asleep at night embracing your warm blue comforter you become totally relaxed and the subtle smell of blueberry muffins wafts up your nose.

I know you’ve heard of Pot stickers. The thing is that they aren’t actual stickers. They are a kind of Chinese dumpling. But while eating one in Buddakan in A.C, I came up with a great idea. A scratch and sniff sticker of a marijuana bud that smells like pot. Also, why doesn’t Yankee Candle produce a candle that smells like the dead of summer and the hot pavement just got soaked by a sprinkler. That would be a hot seller. I’d pay 29.95 for that. It would be fantastic if they had a vintage Bowling Alley scent vintage ’83. Or even Library ’78.

Awaiting you at the top of Mount Smellanai is a whiff of possibly the greatest scent ever created. The scent of a Mr. Sketch marker. How come no one has come up with Aromatherapy with Mr.Sketch? To me, this would be the pinnacle of Holistic healing since their scents arouse those warm fuzzy feeling inside. It reminds me of when I first used them in school as a kid. Everyone would argue over which scent was the best or which one was their favorite. If Oxygen bars exist, then why not Mr. Sketch bars? With “fragrances” such as Wild Cherry (always my favorite) and Mint, there’s no end to the variety of scents you can take in.

Smells and memories go hand in hand. I had this Darth Vader eraser that smelled phenomenal. I kept it my entire childhood and never used it, I just sat there and sniffed it all the time. There’s also that wondrous smell that you detect anytime you used to walk in the house and your mom was cooking up a delicious meal. Think of all of the scents that jog your memory like bubble gum, or a newly painted room. The plastic scent that invades your nostrils every time you open up a brand new action figure. How about the tickling scent that comes at you after you unscrew a bottle of Pepsi? Maybe you have fond memories of your uncle who smelt like English Leather, or my old hallway closet that smelled like mothballs. So whatever it is you enjoy smelling, relax, sniff, and enjoy. Let your fragrant fantasies run wild and you’ll be climbing the peak of nostril enjoyment.

Oh yeah, if you need some conversation pieces or a stocking stuffer this year I found this whacked out website that sells sells weird perfume. This is for those of you who want to smell like Egg Nogg, Gin and Tonics, Play-Doh, and Crayola Crayons. Where’s the Pepsi perfume, or Cabbage Patch Kids Perfume?

The Sexy Armpit ‘s 3-year Anniversary…SPEECH…SPEECH!

Posted on November 11, 2007 by sexyarmpit

I’ve never celebrated an anniversary for this site so I figured why not indulge in a grand Internet tradition? I’ve prepared a little speech…

The great Paul Stanley of KISS once said that they originally created KISS because they wanted to be a band that they would enjoy watching live themselves. In 2004, I set out to create a website that was original and reflected my personality. It turned out to be more difficult than I imagined. The look was there, but the content wasn’t. I realized that the things that I felt compelled to write about were already written about and even when I came up with new ideas, I would log on to sites like X-E, Progressive Boink, and other sites only to see that it was already written about promptly and gloriously. If there’s a new food or drink, or the return of an old toy line from the ’80s like Masters of the Universe, it’s published on the Internet instantly.

The Sexy Armpit exists not to break the news on popular culture, or even report, it but merely to give it’s perspective. The market for pop culture blogs is already saturated. Hopefully you’ll see that our mission isn’t to be quick on the mark, or the MOST nostalgic…but one that doesn’t follow the crowd.

For me, the desire to keep writing will always be there because I enjoy it. It’s obviously not about the money. The hard part is coming up with ideas that haven’t really been done too much on the Internet. If I were to write a piece on the reasons why I’d want to bang Teela, that might be humorous, but I bet some lonely guy has a running list on some site that’s been on a server since ‘94. (apparently the #1 reason is that “She loves Anal“)

WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE: CLAMP CHAMP

Posted on December 18, 2006 by sexyarmpit

This just in… The Eternian Royal Guard has just released new information about another so-called “Master of the Universe” who has come under police scrutiny at the moment. Known previously to the masses as simply Clamp Champ, this dangerous sex offender has been a wanted criminal for 20 years. As if it needs to be said, his calling card is his superior clamping abilities. Through public Eternian documents it’s been discovered that Clamp Champ dropped his first name which was originally “nipple.” Nipple Clamp Champ, as he was known, was regularly found in the seedy sex clubs of Eternia.

His perverse habits of clamping onto Eternian women’s nipples and not letting go gave him a reputation for being quite the ladies man. Here’s where the story goes south. Nipple went off the deep end and began to clamp onto women’s buttcheeks, and even whole entire breasts. His death grip would leave nasty indentations on the women’s private areas which made them extremely perturbed. This landed him in hot water with the Eternian Royal guard. In 1986, they red flagged Nipple and put out an APB for him and since then he’s been wanted by the government. A recent investigation claims Clamp Champ makes replicas of his mechanical clamper and sells them on fetish websites. If you are compelled to buy a nipple clamping mechanism for whatever reason, please think twice as you may be buying from an unsavory fellow.

WARNING: Clamp Champ has also been known as “Nip the clamper”, “Reginald”, and “Silly Bitch.”

WARNING: If he does come in contact with you, he WILL attempt to clamp onto your nipples or put a deathlock on your buttocks with his clamper. If you see this man of hear of his whereabouts please contact your local police.