As far as trips to the bathroom go, if you are the in and out type you probably don’t have time to do any extensive reading while on the can. And if that’s the case, you are definitely not aware of the cutthroat business of publishing Bathroom Readers. A bathroom reader is a book which is often made up of random facts and information that provides a temporary diversion to help you relax while you’re on the john. There’s many to choose from, but one of my great Christmas gifts this year was a bathroom reader printed in New Jersey: The Bathroom Trivia Digest: Fascinating Facts for People on the Go by Russ Edwards and Jack Kriesmer. If you’re unloading for less than a few minutes, let’s face it, that’s probably not enough time to memorize the periodic table of elements or the Magna Carta, but just like that little penny holder at the checkout counter, you can take a few nuggets while you leave a few nuggets.
6 Last Minute Gift Ideas from Paul Blart: Mall Cop
Enough of the minutia, if you’re looking for some last minute gift ideas and you don’t feel like kidnapping your cousin-in-law’s boss, here’s a few ideas plucked straight from the DVD of Paul Blart: Mall Cop.
6) A PINK PUSH UP BRA FROM VICTORIA’S SECRET – Victoria’s Secret has risen to the level of Tiffany’s in that every girl loves to get something from either store. You could buy the sluttiest little lingerie ensemble, but when they see the tag that says Victoria’s Secret, they’ll be anxious to try it on for you.
5) A WIG – Jayma Mays looks great in all kinds of wigs and I’m sure your girl will too. Cosplay is more popular than ever so why not play dress up once in a while? A Pink wig works wonders, and hell…what about a Blue Katy Perry type wig? It’ll transform your lady into an enticing celebrity in no time.
4) A SEGWAY HUMAN TRANSPORTER – You’re already in debt so what’s another $6,000 to $11,000 bucks? You can ride girls around the mall on the ol’ seg and then their phone numbers will seamlessly find their way into your pocket in no time. It’ll be a piece of cake…or pie with peanut butter slathered on it!
3) CELL PHONE BLING – jewels for a cell phone are a cheap and easy stocking stuffer. Although extremely gaudy, many girls like these peel and stick rhinestone phone accessories.
2) A REALLY EXPENSIVE PEN – Even in this digital age, everyone still has to sign their name once in a while so why not shock the kid behind the counter with your pretentious taste in pens? More specifically the Summit 5280 Fountain Pen that the douchebag Stuart (Stephen Rannazzisi) is pushing. It makes you feel like you have a little piece of heaven between your fingers.
1) ROCK BAND – Whether it’s 1, 2, or 3, it really doesn’t matter. They are all awesome and fun, especially when playing and singing along to KISS’ “Detroit Rock City,” like Paul Blart does while all alone in the mall arcade.
SNL Gets Cookie Monster, Sexy Armpit Gets Johnny Fiama
Thanks to Muppet Wikia‘s vast amount of Muppet minutia, we now know that Johnny Fiama hails from Camden, New Jersey, a fact he revealed during his appearance on an episode of Family Feud. Now that we know he’s a Jersey guy, it’s not surprising that his last name is actually an anagram for Mafia!
In 2002’s It’s a Very Merry Muppets Christmas Movie, Johnny Fiama sings a hilarious “Jingle Bells” accompanied by Rowlf on piano. Soon he gets interrupted by his loyal monkey sidekick, Sal Minella, who has a Christmas gift for him.
The Muppet character Johnny Fiama didn’t show up to the party until the short lived prime time TV show Muppets Tonight, but he’s been a welcome addition the gang ever since. Johnny seems to be stereotypically Italian, and inspired by the great crooners such as Tony Bennet, Dean Martin, and Frank Sinatra. He even hosted “The Johnny Fiama Show” on Muppets Tonight.
New Jersey Day is TODAY!!!
Today is New Jersey Day. On this day 223 years ago, New Jersey officially became the 3rd state of the United States. A lot of people have been asking me, Jay, how does one celebrate New Jersey Day? Here’s a few things you can do…
1) Start your day off right, with a greasy sandwich: pork roll egg and cheese on a roll!
2) Fill up your gas tank! Breathe in the fumes and enjoy the fact that you don’t have to lift a finger to pump your gas.
3) Have for some good ‘ol fashioned road rage. Stick your middle finger up proudly. Throw your head out the car window and shout “F*ck You Motherf*cker!” Followed by a barrage of annoying HONKING. Be thankful for living in Jersey because we don’t get fined or ticketed for honking our horns like in New York City.
4) Get in front of a mirror and continue to practice your impression of Silvio Dante (Little Steven) from in The Sopranos.
5) Flick through the channels to see what’s on TV. Forget 57 channels and there’s nothing on…more like 857 channels and nothing on!
6) Marvel at the fact that Jon Bon Jovi has horned his way into the White House.
7) Go back into the Sexy Armpit archives and pick an old post that haven’t read. I will write you and I.O.U. Or, take a look at one of the many entries of NJ T-Shirt Tuesday and buy a tee to wear NEXT year on NJ Day!
8) Take a trip down to Atlantic City and gaze at tons and tons of people pissing their money away. Don’t believe the stories for a second that nobody is going to A.C. Where there’s a vice there’s people and New Jersey has an overabundance of both.
9) Go to the mall, our sales tax is a little bit cheaper, but our people are still a-holes. As you drive there you’ll have a lot of time to reflect on life because, chances are, on any one of our fabulous roads or highways you’ll probably be sitting in a ridiculous amount of traffic. Once in the parking lot, you will get into a fight for a spot. Then, inside the mall, people will walk into you because they don’t pay attention. Don’t even mention those annoying kiosk people. No, I don’t want you to slather your exotic facial cream culled from the dead sea onto my face in the middle of the mall. Get out of my face!
10) Pretend you’re DJ Pauly D and crank up your iPod! We have plenty of offerings for today. From Old Blue Eyes to Bon Jovi, and The Four Seasons to The Fugees and Springsteen to The Smithereens there’s an endless array of artists who have spawned from The Garden State.
When Glam Rock and Wrestling Ruled: THE WRESTLER (2008)
The world of a professional wrestler, with the outfits, the personas, and the fans will always be a myriad of truths and fictions. Yes, the outcomes are preordained and the storylines scripted, but no it isn’t fake; they really get hit and injured (sometimes permanently) and do things that should only be tried on Jackass!. But underneath this world, for the ones that have left the limelight behind, it’s only one of memories and disappointments. And to look closer, it is also a mirror into the career of Mickey Rourke. Once considered the next Robert De Niro with legendary roles in such 80’s classics as Diner, 9 ½ Weeks, and The Pope of Greenwich Village, Rourke’s star soon faded in the 90’s along with his career, which led him to briefly take up professional boxing. But after a small resurgence in bit parts, Rourke slowly found himself in demand which lead to a breakout of sorts in the 2000’s, with prominent roles in Once Upon a Time in Mexico and Sin City which brings us to The Wrestler. Upon first look, it’s easy to dismiss the movie as Rocky with wrestling in place of boxing. But after numerous viewings, it is an example of Rourke’s power as an actor as well as an excellent portrait of New Jersey in all its truth and grittiness.
Randy “The Ram” Robinson (Rourke, who trained with real life wrestler Afa Anoai) is an ’80s wrestling star that has long since been out of the spotlight. Working on the independent circuit in gymnasiums and schools, Randy is a broken man in every aspect. His muscled body cannot stand the abuse anymore, and he keeps himself going with pain pills and steroids. Outside the ring, he makes ends meet as a stock clerk at a supermarket, constantly bullied by his boss, while trying to coax Cassidy, a stripper (Marissa Tomei, who bares everything and looks damn better than women half her age), to see him outside her work. He has long since lost contact with his daughter (Evan Rachel Wood) and longs to be back on top, which may happen by a chance rematch with his old nemesis The Ayatollah (Ernest “The Cat” Miller). But his wrestling career is put in jeopardy after an extremely violent “hardcore” match leads to a heart attack that nearly kills him. Now Randy must decide if a last chance shot at fame is worth everything, including his very life.
Director Darren Aronofsky perfectly captures the balance of a person and wrestler. One minute, Randy is larger than life in the ring, playing to the crowd and basking in the attention; the next, he is sad and pathetic at his work, doing menial labor and swallowing his pride to work the deli counter. Rourke disappears into the role from beginning to end. In addition to performing some of the wrestling scenes, Aronofsky filmed him waiting on real customers at the deli counter in order to keep the scenes as realistic as possible. Apart from Rourke, Marissa Tomei also scored an Oscar nomination as a woman who is much like the Ram; well past her prime to be working in a strip club (Cheeques, located in Linden if you’re interested), she struggles night after night, and well aware that she is being passed over for the younger entertainers. Both Randy and Cassidy live in an era that has long since passed; the ’80s, celebrating the music and clothing, trying to deny the current times around them. An excellent example is summed up during their meeting at a bar while RATT plays in the background: “Yeah, the ’90s really sucked.”
Along with Rourke and Tomei, another star is the state of New Jersey. With a short shooting schedule, Aronofsky filmed on location in Linden, Bayonne, Rahway, Roselle Park, Hasbrouck Heights, Garfield, Elizabeth, and Asbury Park while other scenes where filmed in Pennsylvania and New York. What really captures the spirit of the film is a scene in Asbury Park, where Randy has a brief reunion with his daughter. Asbury has undergone a complete renovation and transformed into a more glitzy, trendy affair of clubs, restaurants, and hotels. But at the time of filming, it was a forgotten, dilapidated boardwalk of empty venues and boarded up businesses. But New Jersey is kinda like that; most of the industries that populated Newark, Passaic, and Paterson (to name a few) had been outsourced and left the Garden State high and dry. Much like Randy, time has not been too kind to the state, but still everyone (me included) still remembers when good times were to be had and hope was not a lost word.
The Wrestler won numerous awards from every film festival from here to Toronto and, following two wins at the Golden Globes including best actor and best original song (courtesy of original NJ’er Bruce Springsteen) was expected to win big at the Academy Awards. But sadly, it came up short with Rourke losing out to Sean Penn and Tomei to Penelope Cruz, but it gave people around the world a new reason to consider Mickey Rourke a major talent again as well as showing New Jersey in a non-Jersey Shore light. Subtle, funny, and moving, The Wrestler is definitely one of the best films in the past decade.
New Jersey Christmas Tree Ornament
Facebook status updates rarely yield anything significant. Most of the time it’s a report on how crappy someone’s day is going, what they are eating, that they are completely shitfaced at a bar, or that they are now listed as “single.” Boo-hoo. In contrast, an exceptional status update may even inspire someone who blogs to write a post about it, which is what is happening right now.
My friend Tara on Facebook took some pictures of a few ornaments on her Christmas tree recently and posted them on her page. Her status update displayed these pictures and one of them was a New Jersey Christmas ornament. I’m sure that at some point in my life I’ve been in a random chotchkie store and passed right by an NJ Christmas ornament, not even giving it a second thought.
Even though Tara said the ornament was a gift and she didn’t buy it herself, I think it’s cool that someone is proud enough of their state to hang an ornament of it’s likeness on a branch of their Christmas tree. Right on, Tara, and thanks for sending the pictures! Now, I’m off to the North Pole to convince Santa’s elves to make up those Sexy Armpit Christmas ornaments!
A Twisted Christmas at The Starland Ballroom in Sayreville
In my cavernous vault of Christmas tunes, one facet of my collection that has never been properly represented was hard rock and metal. Before 2006, I never would have pegged Twisted Sister as a band to record a Christmas album. Although, after A Twisted Christmas was released in 2006, it was an immediate classic. There’s obviously been many hard rock bands through the years who have released holiday songs but how many actually withstand the test of time? We’re covered from a Jersey perspective with songs from Bon Jovi and American Angel, but overall we’re hard pressed for good hard rock and heavy metal Christmas songs.
In 2007 we saw Monster Ballads Xmas released, and a year later We Wish You a Metal Xmas, but none of them had the potential that A Twisted Christmas did to become a classic. The Twisted Sister formula combined with these perennial holiday songs was a success. A Christmas album might seem like a strange move for rockers who wear costumes and makeup, but they followed through with an annual Christmas concert where the band performs Christmas tunes, and a slew of their other big songs as well. Unfortunately, the Twisted Christmas concert did not take place this year (2010) but if you would still like to experience it anyway, I suggest getting your hands on a copy of the very first Twisted Christmas Live DVD which took place at The Starland Ballroom in Sayreville, New Jersey and released in 2007.
With the stage doused in red spotlights, bows, and silver tinsel garland, Dee Snider stormed the stage wearing a Santa Claus costume. TS then ripped into “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” which also incorporates a Ramones-esque “Ho, Ho, Ho, Let’s Go!” Their version of “White Christmas” is the quintessential hard rock version of the immortal song and “Oh Come all ye Faithful,” merges with “We’re Not Gonna Take It” to create the ultimate metal Christmas song.
The Starland concert was a fast paced onslaught of holiday hard rock. Dee Snider had a blast throughout the show, especially on “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” At times the rest of the band looks like they’d rather be knitting or doing a crossword puzzle, but they come alive when it’s time for Twisted songs like “The Fire Still Burns and “You Can’t Stop Rock and Roll.” Dee, who really has a way with words, thanked the troops overseas before kicking off “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” followed by a heartwarming rendition of “Burn in Hell.”
We get to see an awesome drum solo from A.J which leads into “Silver Bells” where Jay Jay French shreds as artifical snow fell from the rafters. You’ll also see plenty of Mark slapping the bass and Eddie electrifying his guitar. Dee tells a funny, yet long winded story about getting socks for Christmas which ultimately introduces “I Wanna Rock” as they completely annihilate the audience. Finally, the band comes back out for an encore of “Heavy Metal Christmas.” It wasn’t all holiday tunes either, mixed into the setlist were Twisted Sister tracks like “Shoot ’em Down” and “The Price.”
The DVD is well put together. Visually, you’ll feel like you are actually in the venue. The Starland Ballroom is small, but the film crew did a superb job with the limited space. When watching this concert you will quickly notice how the creative crew makes the ballroom look huge as they shoot from all different perspectives, many of which I’ve never seen done before at a Starland concert. There are also several extras including music videos for “Oh Come all ye Faithful” and “Heavy Metal Christmas” as well as an interview with the band and more. I only have one gripe with the DVD itself. They decided to delete the word “motherf*cker” all throughout the show, which I assume was to not get a parental advisory warning slapped on there.
If you’re one of those humbugs who hates holiday tunes, then this DVD is your kryptonite. But if you’re the type who can’t wait to break out the holiday music after Thanksgiving, and if you’re a Twisted Sister fanatic, then this DVD is a must own! It’s also a collectible for those fans of New Jersey popular culture, since New York’s Twisted Sister chose our little Starland Ballroom to do their first ever Christmas concert! I recommend getting this DVD before it goes out of print and you have to buy it on ebay for $80 bucks!
New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.50: Miracle on 34th Street
In the above scene, the Newark location Macy mentions is actually a Bamberger’s, which was one of the premiere department stores in New Jersey. It was founded way back in 1893 and their flagship store was built in Newark in 1912. In 1929, Macy’s bought Bamberger’s, but it wasn’t until 1986 that they were officially rebranded as Macy’s. In addition to malls across The Garden State, Bamberger’s operated stores in Morristown, Plainfield, and Princeton as well as in New York, Pennsylvania, Delaware, and Maryland. An anonymous comment posted at The Department Store Museum blog summarizes exactly what Bamberger’s was: “Jersey’s version of Macy’s…”
Check out the Bamberger’s post at The Department Store Museum which offers pictures and info on many of their New Jersey locations. Also, several facts in this post were taken from the Bamberger’s Wikipedia entry.
New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.49: RANSOM – When Mel Still Had His Marbles…
It’s easy to dismiss a person by what is printed and said, even if that person was, at one point or another, decent. For an example, Chris Benoit was regarded as one of the finest technical wrestlers to have ever graced a mat, but after the tragedy with him and his ill-fated family, all of his achievements have been forgotten, almost as if they have never existed. To look at Mel Gibson now, after all the tabloids and rumors, one would see him as an out of his mind, racist, misogynistic narcissist with way too much money and too much ego. But at some point, Mel, before he blew a fuse, visited the Garden State (briefly) in the caper film Ransom, and while it didn’t reinvent the wheel or increase NJ’s tourist trade (at least not to my knowledge), it’s nice to look back on the Garden State before it was forever changed by some guy named Tony Soprano.
Tom Mullen (Gibson) is a self-made millionaire airline owner who finds himself out of his depth when his son Sean (Brawny Nolte, Nick’s son) is kidnapped and held for ransom. Now, the rational thing to do would be to pay the captors (which include a pre-Sex and the City Evan Handler) the money and be done with it. It should also be noted that, through a subplot, Tom was investigated by the FBI for possibly paying off a mob guy to keep his airline going. But after a disastrous turn of events in Jersey (where the ransom was supposed to be paid – holla Fair Lawn!), Tom turns the tables on the captors and uses the ransom as a bounty that he places on the captors, hoping that they will crumble under the pressure and turn on one another. In doing so, Tom not only draws scorn from his wife (Rene Russo) and the FBI agent (Delroy Lindo) on the case, but also become a pariah in the media for such a risky tactic. From then on, the suspense builds as both Tom and the captors begin to lose patience with one another, building in a climax that puts both Tom and captors on a collision course. Not necessarily with each other, but a course that is sure to spell doom for some.
The movie, directed by Ron Howard, does a great job with the cast. Especially good is Mel, who is kept at a feverish pace. In his eyes, you can see the hopelessness and desperation, but also a man who is not afraid to cross the line to save his son. Also doing fine is Gary Sinse as the ruthless mastermind of the kidnapping who slowly becomes unglued and Lindo as the veteran agent who is confounded by the change of events. Unfortunately, what is seen of Jersey is very little, happening at nighttime at a stone quarry, but is pivotal in the storyline, so I guess we can forgive Howard for setting up an important scene in my home state. It was nice to see Route 4 without traffic for a change.
Ransom is a taut, well-acted cracker of a film that reminds you that Mel was once a good actor. It got him a Golden Globe nomination, so if you want to see Mel Gibson as a hero without a suicide fixation or dressed in a leather suit, give this one a whirl, otherwise you can just smile and blow him.
eXXXotica 2010 Report
Here’s my report on eXXXotica 2010. Watch with the volume up and in high definition!