New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.1

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Referred to in the film Mallrats as “The Dirt Mall,” the defunct US1 Flea Market was a notorious local landmark. Why is footage of a plain old indoor Flea Market such a great pop culture moment? Well, if you’re from the central part of New Jersey you’ve probably shopped there many times. Jersey boy Kevin Smith proudly or perhaps not so proudly displayed this
flea market. Now, not only New Jersey nostalgia buffs but all moviegoers can see it. Thankfully, I’ll never forget how this place looked because the US1 Flea Market in New Brunswick, New Jersey will forever be emblazoned on DVD! Thanks Silent Bob, Snootchie Bootchies! (berzerker attack)

When I was a kid in the ’80s (gosh such a long time ago! lol) it was a big treat to come shopping at the US1 Flea Market because I knew I would most likely get some sort of collectible, or “way out there” addition to my collection. It was possible to go in there with the $10 allowance money I had saved up and leave with a bag of random stuff. I remember one time I came home with a Samantha Fox poster, and a 3-D G.I Joe comic book among other cool schwag. Not too bad for a kid about 7 years old. Bless my parents for having such a libidinous, well read boy…well at least in 3-D.

Maybe Smith was making a statement about the shift in consumerism? In contrast to the beautiful sparkling malls that began to emerge in the late ’80s and early ’90s, this old flea market seems almost archaic. Better or worse, indoor malls changed shopping for all of us! No longer was I able to pick up comic books, rock music pins for my jean jacket, and KISS t-shirts all for $10 bucks or less in the same building. Since then, malls in my area have always failed to impress me. Throughout the years it’s been an uphill battle to keep a comic store in business in our local malls. It always seemed like they weren’t able to pay the high rent. Immediately, children’s clothing stores and nail salons would snatch up the empty space. What other way were we supposed to buy vintage collectibles, toys, and posters of Susanna Hoffs? What if my Real Ghostbusters pencil with the Slimer pencil topper broke and I needed a new one? Malls by us didn’t always carry obscure stuff, so without the flea market we had to look out for a garage sale or an ad in a newspaper. That was too much work! Boy am I glad the Internet decided to weasel its way into our lives!

The site of the old US1 Flea Market is now an AMC 18-plex Movie Theater that I’ve gone to frequently since it opened. I actually worked there a few times too since it owned the Menlo Park Mall theater which I worked at for several years. It’s a nice place if you could get past the corpse buried in the parking lot.

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Interview with Iron-Cow Productions’ Matt Cauley

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I cannot believe you actually have something this cool in your house!

– Mouth from The Goonies

I was fortunate enough to snag this amazing customized Batcave last year from the Iron-Cow Productions store on eBay. The Batcave playset utilizes a custom version of the ’89 Batcave playset from Toy Biz and also features a custom Joker card and giant penny from Batman’s Trophy Room. Naturally, this custom Batcave is one of the highlights of my Batman collection. And YES, it takes center stage in my bedroom! You could imagine how many “40-Year Old Virgin” jokes I get even though I’ve got a while to go before I reach 40!
The man behind Iron-Cow Productions is Matt Cauley, who has grabbed the attention of the industry by showcasing his amazing custom action figures, and illustrations. Matt is a featured contributer to ToyFare Magazine, and he also designed various DC Direct, Battlestar Galactica, and Marvel Comics Minimate action figures. In honor of the Dark Knight countdown Matt “Iron-Cow” Cauley granted me an interview to talk a little bit about what’s going on with his company and how he feels about the premiere of The Dark Knight.

The Batcave playset pictured here was created by Iron-Cow Productions, after all the different properties from Marvel, DC and other companies you’ve customized for do you have a favorite universe or character to work on?

Well, I’ve been a Batman fan all my life, so I’m naturally drawn to him. He’s what got me into comic books and since I drew him so many times as a kid, he’s the character on whom I really developed my art skills. In fact, the earliest surviving piece of Matt-art is a picture of Batman. Batman is easily the character that I’ve customized the most. Black, blue, animated, artist-specific, stylized… no version of the character seems too obscure for me to purchase for my collection, or for me to customize one of my own. You’d think I might get tired of customizing Batman over and over again, but I really have a blast with the character and love all the various interpretations.At least by staying primarily with one character, it gives me a lot of focus. This might explain why all my Doctor Who projects never get finished. With that line there are simply SO many characters I want to make, I’ll start on a new one before finishing up any already started project.

Whether it be illustrations or customizations, do you have any dream projects you’d like to work on?

It’s funny you say that. With the DC Minimates line, I was able to combine both my love of toys and illustrating. The S.T.R.I.P.E. Minimate was based off not only my control art, but if you remove the chest piece, you can see my illustration as well, in the form of his inner cockpit. That was definitely a fun project, creatively speaking. And, since I’m *such* a Batman fan, getting to help design a DC line really was a dream come true! Hopefully the Doctor Who Minimates will see the light of day. Ever since I was a kid, Batman and Doctor Who were my two biggest passions, and to have the opportunity to design toys for both lines? Seriously, that is my dream come true.

Are you looking forward to The Dark Knight?

That opens soon, right? I might catch it at some point. In reality, my wife and I are checking it out Friday night. Can’t wait! Obviously, I don’t know more than anyone else out there, but I have such ridiculous high hopes for this movie. I seem to remember the website TheOneRing.net having a countdown clock for when “Fellowship of the Ring” was to be released. I found myself obsessively checking that, and then unintentionally counting down the days in my head. 12 months, 6 months… 25 days, etc. The website Batman-on-Film.com has a similar countdown clock, and it feels like I’ve been counting down the days to Dark Knight for as long as I can remember. After this Saturday, though, it’ll be interesting to see what is next in line to obsess over. Sure, there’s Iron Man 2 and the Avengers, but for me I need to know when Batman 3 is in the works!

What are some projects Iron-Cow is working on right now?

Most of what I’m doing these days isn’t toy-related at all. I’ve been contributing art to the GREENDOG and EPIC THREADS fashion line that’s exclusive to Macy’s. That’s definitely been an interesting project, as they allow me so much creative freedom. Walking into a store and seeing my art hanging there on the rack gets me grinning from ear to ear. I’ve also been putting together a huge series of portrait paintings for an art show later this year. One of these should be appearing in the upcoming ‘Eye Candy for Strangers’ coffee table book, so look for a sneak peek this summer!

If someone was insulting New Jersey would you go along with them and come up with zingers of your own or would you defend the honor of Jersey and explain all the reasons why it’s great? Either way we won’t hold it against you!

Now WHY would anyone insult Jersey? Now, Texas, on the other hand… you do NOT mess with!

Thank you Matt! I appreciate it!

Wow, Matt is even designing art for clothing lines! And he’s comical too. He was obviously being funny when I asked about The Dark Knight and he replied “That’s opens soon right?” Haha! You can check out Matt’s work at http://www.ironcowprod.com/! He’s got a great Michael Keaton/Batman customization posted there among a TON of other great stuff. Be sure to look out for his customized figures, illustrations, and free downloads to help with your own customizations!
www.SexyArmpit.com

Bon Jovi: Free Concert in Central Park Review

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Bon Jovi has done pretty much everything a band can do but they didn’t play Central Park until Saturday July 12th. In honor of the MLB’s all-star week Bon Jovi decided to put on a free concert on the Great Lawn in New York City’s Central Park. It was rumored that there’d be close to 60,000 fans in attendance so I knew we’d have a hell of a time getting into the park. I’m not one who enjoys hassle or complications. I enjoy being laid back rather than rushing from Penn Station to hop on the subway to Central Park. Then from there we had to get checked, scanned, and frisked several times and wait in numerous lines. By the time we got into the audience area there weren’t too many people there but the ones that were there were relaxing on towels they brought. I didn’t think to bring a towel or a blanket and neither did anyone I went with. That was the least of my problems. It was only 3:00 pm, so we had another 5 hours to wait until Bon Jovi took the stage. I was betting on them not starting on time but they were in a public park so the rules were a little bit more tight. Go on at 8 and get off the stage at 10 pm you New Jersey rebel rousers!

By 7:45 the place was mobbed with people and the towels were getting rolled up and people started sneaking closer and closer to the barricades. After hearing representatives from Central Park, Major League Baseball, and Bank of America there was another short wait and then Bon Jovi took the stage on this beautiful summer night in NYC. Bank of America had such a damn presence at the show that they may as well have set up portable teller stands where people could do their banking. Their logo was all over the place, I really thought Jon would have worn a Bank of America jersey. Thankfully he didn’t and nor did he wear a Philadelphia Soul jersey either. And gee…all this talk of “jerseys” where the hell is New Jersey in this picture? He’s an owner of a Philadelphia Arena Football team, he’s doing concerts in Central Park and MSG so where does his home state of N.J fit in? They’re always singing “Who Says You Can’t Go Home?” so I guess apparently Jon himself is saying they can’t.

As for the setlist for the night, you can’t expect much of a departure when you go to see Bon Jovi. They kicked things off with “Livin’ on a Prayer” and “You Give Love a Bad Name.” After “Born to Be My Baby” they rocked with “I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead” which ended with their version of “Twist and Shout” which is always a fun song. Of course, I prefer it when Matthew Broderick is singing it on a float in a parade. “Whole Lotta Leavin’ Goin’ On” their latest single, made me realize that they should just change the title of the song to “Not a Whole Lot of Rock Going On” because the song makes people want to go country line dancing. Aside from “..Whole Lotta Leavin” they also performed “Lost Highway,” and “We Got it Goin On” from Lost Highway. While still managing to wow the massive audience with his guitar riffs, Richie stirred the crowd with his rendition of “I’ll Be There for You.” We also got to hear (not in this order) “It’s My Life,” “In These Arms,” “Have a Nice Day,” “Keep The Faith,” and “Bad Medicine.”

The band said goodnight but came back for an encore of “Always,” “Wanted Dead or Alive,” and “I Love This Town.” For a full set list check out my friend Anthony at The Screen Door. From there it was time to hop back on the subway and then find out what NJ Transit track we’d be on. Isn’t the train ride home always the best? Lots of obnoxious people, you get whipped around, and you’re just trying to sleep for a minute since you’ve been on a 9 hour Bon Jovi retreat.

I’m looking forward to the Madison Square Garden shows because the sound seemed to get lost in such an enormous outdoor area. There was a good amount of delay between the sound way up in front and the sound coming out of the speakers that were in the middle of the audience. That was natural, it just got annoying at times. I kept thinking “what song is Tico drumming to?…that isn’t part of the song.” Actually it WAS part of the song…just 3 seconds before. Regardless of those minor details it was a welcome feeling to have attended a Bon Jovi concert where they sounded excellent as usual and I didn’t pay $200 to get in.
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Stone Temple Pilots at the PNC Bank Arts Center Review 5/31/08

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With all his Jagger-esque strutting, and hair streaked glowing pink, you would never have guessed that Scott Weiland was a high school football player. On the other hand, when you hear him slur incoherent song introductions it’s easy to guess that this man has had and possibly still has a drug problem. Fresh off his ousting as lead singer of Velvet Revolver, Scott Weiland joined his former band mates for a Stone Temple Pilots reunion tour. Tonight, their show stopped here in Holmdel N.J at the PNC Bank Arts Center, a dreaded venue for us locals. Parking is free, although you need to hop on a school bus that takes you all the way up the hill and through the woods to the venue. Want to take a leak? Good luck. Should’ve pissed in the woods while you were tailgating! There’s 2 sets of bathrooms and a couple of porto-johns, and each of the lines are a quarter of a mile long.

Managing to look past all the negatives about the amphitheater, it was sort of a homecoming for brothers Dean DeLeo (guitarist) and Robert DeLeo (bassist) who hail from N.J (Glen Ridge to be exact, which is still about an hour north of the PNC Bank Arts Center.) The crowd was getting anxious after the band took an hour and a half to come on stage and start their set. Trust me, you get a little stir crazy when the only entertainment you have is watching people’s inane text messages scroll across the screens. (“I brought my bong in and didn’t get caught,” “Does anyone have papers?” “Scream if you want Metallica to tour the United States,” “There is water at the bottom of the ocean,” it seemed that one person texted the entire Talking Heads Once in a Lifetime song, “Splitcase,” a band reviewed here at the Sexy Armpit and last but not least “The Sexy Armpit loves you” of course I have no idea who sent that one in…)

The concert seemed to build up steam the longer it went on. I can’t understand why they opened this show with “Big Empty.” It’s one of my favorite tracks, but it’s fairly mellow and not a good way to kick off a show. Maybe it was their plan to start off slow and ease into it. Come to think of it, that’s not a bad idea…I’ll keep that in mind. The band sounded great, albeit a little sluggish perhaps. Ever since their appearance on Jimmy Kimmel it seemed they were playing some of the tracks a bit slower. It’s possible they’re doing it to accommodate Weiland if his singing hasn’t been up to snuff.

Long time fans of STP would not be disappointed with their song choice. They performed all of their hits and a handful of lesser heard tracks. The set list is ever changing since their website is letting fans vote for songs they would like to hear at the specific show they’re attending. We got to hear it all from “Down,” to “Trippin’ on a Hole in a Paper Heart.” I would’ve liked to have heard some of my favorites like “Hollywood Bitch,” and “Silvergun Superman,” but no such luck. Highlights for me included their classic songs like “Vasoline” and “Creep.” Not just because it’s a huge song of theirs but I think “Plush” sounded the tightest and most crisp out of all the songs performed. It was played in the middle of the setlist so it really seemed like the pinnacle of the show. I enjoyed the DeLeo brothers cover of the O’Jays “For the Love of Money.” but only wished Scott would’ve jumped in and started singing. It’s the type of song you wouldn’t expect them to play and that’s exactly why I dug it. All the shows on the tour have been wrapping with “Dead and Bloated.” Another odd choice for their only encore and last song.

Weiland is a dynamic front man but I must say, he seemed way more amped up when he was onstage with Velvet Revolver. He seemed like he was having a blast with Slash and all the rock riffs. Maybe it was the drugs? Now during this STP reunion he’s in some kind of a funk. Aside from a few steps of his Jagger dancing he seemed like he was on ambien.

There’s no question that STP made a big impact on rock music. They’ll always own their chunk of rock history but the amplifications of their reunion haven’t reached the magnitude I thought they might have. There’s a lot of fans out there, myself included, who are still pissed off about Weiland leaving Velvet Revolver. I don’t have much doubt that VR will continue on successfully but will STP? They’re working on a new CD, but shouldn’t they have released a new single to coincide with their reunion tour?

www.SexyArmpit.com

New Jersey has the Worst Drivers in the Country!

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At least we don’t have to wonder anymore if we were being needlessly persecuted. It’s for real. New Jersey has the WORST DRIVERS in the United States! According to a GMAC Insurance survey, which by the way was unscientific, New Jersey came in LAST PLACE with a mind boggling score of 69.9! With a score like that it’s no wonder what people are thinking of while driving of instead of the road. I feel like this epiphany has added to the solidification of New Jersey as possibly the most retarded state in the country. Thanks to all the morons on the roads in N.J, we all have to pay the highest car insurance rates in the country. A word to the mutants who took this incriminating survey: STOP taking these damn surveys because it’ll only show your stupidity and make NJ look worse! And for the honor of Grayskull please stop driving like an ass or take the f’n train! 69.9…leave it to N.J!

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Six Flags Dark Knight Coaster: A HUGE LETDOWN

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If you’re into the whole brevity thing and you simply can’t stand my never-ending tangents, then here’s the short version: I’ve had more exciting rides on a compact John Deere Gator. Better yet…I’ve taken my life in my hands on numerous occasions reaching speeds 30 to 40 times faster than the Dark Knight Coaster on my Mongoose BMX bike. And yes, you CAN ride on my pegs.

A new ride at a local amusement park is usually pretty damn exciting. It gives us even more motivation to flock to the park and shell out zillions on season passes, parking passes, hopper passes, etc. This season, Six Flags Great Adventure in N.J capitalized on the popularity of the Batman Begins sequel, The Dark Knight, and threw up a dark ride in it’s honor. Naturally, like any die hard insane Bat-Fan, I needed to ride it.

I got there before the park opened because I knew I wasn’t going to want to stay in line for an hour and a half to ride it. Even though it was the Dark Knight, I don’t have the patience that I used to. Waiting for Kingda Ka was the biggest letdown because we must’ve waited 2 hours for a ride that seemed to last 7 seconds. The anticipation was high judging by how fast everyone sprinted to the Dark Knight as soon as the security guards let down the rope to get into the rest of the park. Don’t you hate it when you’re in a holding pattern in an amusement park waiting for it to open and you realize people actually work there and it isn’t just a fantasy world? There’s guys filling cold cases with soda and iced tea, opening up the doors to the various memorabilia and candy stores, and others are sweeping up. I always thought that stuff was done by the amusement park fairies that live in the old Victorian house at the front gate.

For young park visitors, the Dark Knight is a fun attraction but for the majority of people expecting a thrill ride similar to the Aerosmith Rock n Roller Coaster, they’ll surely be disappointed. It’s the most boring, lame, and uneventful ride in the park. I didn’t have to wait on line, but if you do you’ll wait in what they are trying to make us believe is the Gotham City transit system. The lights are dim and the big screen is showing a press conference with Harvey Dent (actually played by Aaron Eckhart) answering questions about crime in Gotham. Then the lights get even dimmer and the Joker’s catchphrase WHY SO SERIOUS comes on the screen while random Jokeresque quotes scrawled on the walls illuminate. There was a short montage with jolts of James Cagney and melting celluloid that for some reason got me so pumped. We boarded the ride, and not soon after I was deflated. I realized that we rode the majority of the ride and I kept saying “I’m sure it hasn’t even kicked in yet.” Was I wrong! The ride was over and nothing happened.

The Dark Knight “coaster” as it’s called is far from a coaster. It felt like it went about 5 mph!! There’s nothing even going on inside while you’re in you’re little 4 person train. You see some blacklit/florescent markings on the walls to make you think Joker is around, and you hear someone who sounds like Heath Ledger trying to spook you out, but other than that there’s really nothing to the ride.

Leave it to Six Flags to make a shitty ride. They can work wonders with their roller coasters but when it comes to other rides and attractions they suck. They rarely show any creativity and it usually seems like they don’t want to offer a variety of attractions. If they wanted to create a throwback dark ride, why didn’t they make a haunted house? At one time Great Adventure had a haunted house but it burned down in ’84. Check out this great article at Dark in the Park about the old Six Flags haunted castle. I haven’t been to a good haunted house since Castle Dracula.

It seemed like they whipped up the Dark Knight coaster in 6 weeks so I’m sure Six Flags has the means to make the most kickass, scariest haunted house on the east coast. You’ll always hear them bragging on TV with their annoying ads about how much bigger Great Adventure is than Disneyland, and how they feature a safari. Who cares how much land they own? How about concentrating on making Great Adventure an awesome amusement park with awe inspiring rides? Isn’t that the point? Their coasters are kickass but they are seriously lacking when it comes to creating atmosphere. I want to escape when I go to a theme park. I want to be pulled into Metropolis when I wait for the Superman ride, I DON’T want to feel like I’m waiting an hour in the sweltering Jackson, N.J sun by the greasy haired kid dressed all in black, yellow converse, who’s blasting some metal song from his ruby red Razr phone.

With Six Flags association with the WB and DC characters, it’s a shame that they can’t get a grasp on the rides in their parks. How about a Marvin the Martian Space Mission? A Gossamer Funhouse? A Wonder Woman Invisible Jet ride? C’mon people…this is off the cuff here! Imagine what I could do if I really put my mind to it!

I love going on rides like Nitro (my favorite), El Toro, Superman, and The Scream Machine, but they don’t offer much personality. The rides themselves are awesome but what I value is the atmosphere. Six Flags chinces out and they don’t take the opportunity to sweep you into a different world as you’re waiting to go on the ride. That long wait is sometimes excruciating and could be made a lot more interesting. You know what I mean if you’ve been on any ride in Disney World and Universal like Spider Man, and Star Tours in MGM. I want to be transported and be so distracted that the greasy haired kid won’t even make it into my brain because I‘m seriously convincing myself into thinking that I‘m about to rocket into space. Maybe the people who run Great Adventure could go take a ride on Space Mountain, Tower of Terror, or even one of the awesome rides in Universal’s Islands of Adventure. They could learn a thing or two.

Have you gone on any terrible rides? If so, tell us about it!

www.SexyArmpit.com

The Dark Knight Roller Coaster at Six Flags

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Even though since my trip to Hollywood I’ve bashed the hell out of New Jersey, one cool thing we have that I’m looking forward to is the new indoor Dark Knight Roller Coaster at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, NJ. I get a season pass each summer and I’m usually disappointed at the new attractions they feature each year. Hopefully this time around I’ll be in awe of all it’s batty goodness. For all you haters of the first Batman coaster aptly named “Batman: The Ride,” I actually enjoy it. Of course it’s no Superman the Ride, and it can’t hold a candle to my favorite coaster ever, NITRO. I’ll give my thoughts on The Dark Knight Coaster after I ride it but in the meantime, GEEKS OF DOOM, a site I enjoy, has an excellent post on the ride with video.

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Goin’ Hollywood

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From the swamps, fumes, toxic sludge, and the congestion of New Jersey, The Sexy Armpit flew all the way across the country to Los Angeles, California. Like alot of other kids I knew, I grew up with a bit of an inflated idea of Hollywood. As a kid, I pictured famous people everywhere, hot girls galore, and bright sunny days. Regardless of my love for the state I was born and raised in, Hollywood sits on a gold encrusted throne high above any other city I’ve ever visited. There’s a slew of reasons why this town offers so much more than just the random celebrity sightings. (Mena Suvari, Ian Ziering, and Rebecca Gayheart just to name a few) If you’re trying to keep up with “the scene,” then you know that everything in Hollywood IS based on you’re look. It seems like the only people there who aren’t beautiful are some of the tourists, excluding myself of course…ahem. joke. I looked like a mutant compared to some of the natives. Those hot, hot, natives. Even the f’n mannequins are hotter there.

The most minuscule details of life in Hollywood seem to make everything about my life in New Jersey seem meaningless. I’ve always complained that “nothing cool ever happens in Jersey.” Of course that’s a generalization but it’s mostly true. It’s a disservice to say that the only thing cool about Hollywood is that there are celebrities all over the place. Actually, celebrity sightings just added to the amazing times I had there. In fact I don’t know if I can say I’ve ever had that much fun doing anything in New Jersey. If I stood on one leg eating a leftover bowl of macaroni in the middle of a street in Jersey and then did the same thing on the Sunset Strip…something tells me that it would be about 250,000 times more fun on the Strip. Maybe it’s because it’s called “The Strip?” It’s no coincidence that The Strip is home to the illustrious gentleman’s clubs that Motley Crue’s Vince Neil shouted out in “Girls, Girls, Girls” like the Seventh Veil, and The Body Shop. I couldn’t believe I was walking past places that are mentioned in a song that I’ve sang along to about 4,000 times! Screw you, that was exciting to me.

North Jersey guido’s or Jocks who are still re-living their high school football memories need not even visit Hollywood because they won’t fit in. The freaks, the flamboyant, and the filthy rich create the city’s aura and keep it’s blood pumping. New York was always said to be the city that never sleeps but Hollywood is way more of a constant party. There’s always an after party, and you’re never at a loss to find somewhere else to go. The people of the town are way more sociable than the angry, uptight NY/NJ people. Being a lifelong Jersey native and a person whose hung out in New York more times than you can imagine, it’s a fact that we’re a cold, aggressive bunch of folks. Even with smog blocking the sun on some days, Hollywood keeps it’s positive, go getting, adventurous atmosphere. That atmosphere may be what fuels people to go there to follow their dreams. Whether it was playing in a band, or acting, everyone seemed to have talent and ambition to “make it.” Believe it or not, just going out and showing your face consistently gives you your own “fun size” sample of star power.

Going to New York to follow your dreams may only land you a job on Wall Street or at a corner store selling fruit, energy drinks, and flowers. New York City in comparison to Hollywood is nothing but business. Not too much fun to be had there in Manhattan. You like Opera? Show tunes? Working your ass off? Traffic and honking? Getting lost? Then Manhattan is the place for you. Hollywood is all about a laid back, party atmosphere and it looks like not much has changed there in quite a long time. We even stayed in the Hyatt, West Hollywood because of it’s rich rock history. Click the link for a great rundown of facts about the hotel at Wikipedia.

In any local establishment in NJ all you hear over their sound system is Rhianna, Leona Lewis, John Mayer etc. All I had to do was travel 3,000 miles and in every establishment, EVEN MEXICAN RESTAURANTS, you can hear a whole slew of ’80s rock. Everywhere I was I heard Motley, Guns, Van Halen, Poison, and Bon Jovi. Even though it was only a few days, it gave me hope that at least some place in the world still likes to ROCK! Jersey sure as hell doesn’t remember that one of it’s own stereotypes was BIG HAIR!

The rock music scene is still alive and flourishing. While there seems to be no place for rock in New Jersey, Hollywood wears their rock rags proudly. Whether you wear eyeliner or high heel boots, everything rock is accepted. In fact, all kinds of music get their fair share of stage time on the strip. New York and New Jersey are famous for certain venues but I guess I missed their golden age. Music venues in Asbury Park, Atlantic City, and Hoboken have become historic because of the artists that would frequently play there. Heck, even the Izod Center in East Rutherford and The Starland Ballroom in Sayreville constantly has huge concerts with all the big names. The problem is, they aren’t the type of places you go to just hang out and coincidentally catch an awesome band who might hit it huge in a few years. Regardless of the fact that Manhattan is home to the most famous arena, Madison Square Garden, as well as places like Roseland, Hammerstein, and the defunct CBGB’s, the good stuff takes a while to travel over to the East Coast. Perhaps it’s the vastness of the metropolitan area that hinders it from being as great as Hollywood. You can’t walk down a street and choose between 3 concert venues all featuring several solid acts. I can’t imagine how far it would be to walk from Starland Ballroom in Sayreville all the way to the Izod Center in East Rutherford. (According to mapquest it’s about 36 miles and it would take about 50 minutes depending on traffic…bummer) In Hollywood I can walk from the Viper Room to the Key Club, to the Roxy all in a matter of a few minutes. Venues like the Whiskey-a-Go-Go and all the clubs on the strip are legendary for the great bands and artists that have played there. When you visit the Jersey Shore, you can hit up Jenkinson’s and check out a cover band, and then also check out Martell’s Tiki Bar and then…check out a cover band! Now don’t get me wrong I love cover bands but after you had the time in Hollywood that I did, Jersey pales in comparison.

In about 4 days here’s the rundown of all the bands I got to see, and it wasn’t even a festival! Check this out:
The Donnas 15th Anniversary show, a very intimate gathering for the Donnas hardcore fans, and family members. Wow, these girls have worked hard for 15 years already and they’re music and performances just keep getting stronger. Back in ’01 I got to interview Torry, (The Donnas drummer) for my radio show and finally got to meet her in person at this show. Their latest album Bitchin‘ is a kick ass rock party album and is in stores now.

Vains of Jenna – I first heard about these Swedish guys a few years ago on Stevie Rachelle’s Metal Sludge site and I picked up their CD (which was released on Bam Margera’s record label) as soon as it came out. I’ve always been a fan of Swedish rock bands (like Dogpound) because the folks in Sweden eat, sleep, and bathe in rock and roll. They are so obsessed with it that they study rock music that was popular in the ’70s and ’80s in the U.S. You might ask, for a bunch of guys so serious about their craft how can they be bad? Unfortunately I was actually disappointed in the recording quality of “Lit Up, Let Down,” and there wasn’t that many tracks that blew me away. It just seemed like a bunch of guys doing throwback sleaze rock from the ’80s. WAS I WRONG! Have you ever heard the old adage that you have to experience a band live to make an accurate opinion on them? Remember how the first few KISS albums weren’t big sellers but after people started seeing their explosive, loud, rocking live show the band started to blow up. This is exactly how Veins of Jenna is going to do it. They played one blistering set of tunes that sounded almost completely separate from the tracks on the album. Their CD does not do them justice. They also threw in a cover of Tom Petty’s Refugee which was heavy and friggin‘ amazing.

I also got to check out The Atomic Punks – The Tribute to Early Van Halen with lead singer Ralph Saenz, who coincidentally is also the lead singer of STEEL PANTHER. For those who have been under a rock for the last 8 years or so, Steel Panther (formerly Danger Kitty, Metal Shop and Metal Skool) are rock’s reigning kings of the sunset strip. Their original brand of Hair Band Parody sells out every Monday night. They play ’80s hair metal from Bon Jovi to Poison and always throw in one of their original comedy rock songs like “Death to All But Metal” or “Fat Girl.” Celebs are known to show up and sing with them from time to time like Kelly Clarkson, Jessica Simpson, and Pink. I was lucky to see Matt Sorum introduce the band, Scott Ian from Anthrax join them onstage, Corey Taylor of Slipknot, and Whitfield Crane formerly of Ugly Kid Joe/Another Animal.

Some of the other amazing bands I saw during my stay in Hollywood: Franki’s Broken Toys (Franki Doll=great frontwoman), Mack Winston and the Reflections,(original, pretty damn mesmerizing music) The Binges (BEST band I’ve heard in years) and the hard driving Bullets and Octane. And more! I don’t think a feat this cool could ever be accomplished in NY/NJ or for that matter, anywhere on the east coast. There’s always a band to discover there before it makes it’s way east. I originally intended the name of this site to embrace the good stuff Jersey offered but, man, I’m not far away from making it all about how it’s so not as cool as Hollywood. But really…not many places are.

www.SexyArmpit.com

Miss Sexy Armpit 2008

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The Sexy Armpit T-Shirt Contest Official Rules: Miss Sexy Armpit 2008

The winner’s picture will be featured on the site logo at The Sexy Armpit.com. The winner will be the prestigious, first ever Miss Sexy Armpit! The winner will also receive a $50 gift card to Ticketmaster. I’m pretty sure that the card will be used to purchase tickets to the NKOTB reunion tour. Don’t even lie.

1) Yes I know I’m being sexist…GIRLS ONLY! Why? Because who the fuck wants to look at guys especially those wearing a black t-shirt? You can go to any Hot Topic to see that. Girls are just nicer to look at. TAKE THAT all you debonair male models.

2) Must be sexy! Don’t worry about some nipple slippage…we’ll edit it out or you can cover them with your hands. BTW, pants are not required but thongs, g-strings, and any type of lingerie are always effective. Although, if you decide to wear underwear in the pictures, don’t even think of wearing granny panties or no one will vote for you.

3) What’s encouraged? Creativity! Be creative while trying to remain as close to the concept of the girl in the website artwork as possible. Maybe you want to be punked out or look rock n’ roll like a Suicide Girl…It’s up to you! The point is to get the feel of the name of the site. The whole idea that “NJ is disgusting and filled with sewage but still sexy.” You can take your photo by a NJ turnpike sign on the road thumbing for a ride. Perhaps you can prove that Jersey isn’t as trashy as people think it is? Or maybe being trashy is sexy? Points for originality. There’s attractive backgrounds all over New Jersey if you choose to take your picture outside. There’s landfills, highways, fuel refineries, dumpsters, garbage cans etc. You might want to take the picture in a bathtub filled with green slime. You have the freedom to be serious, or tongue in cheek. PHOTOS ARE ALLOWED TO BE MANIPULATED AND MODIFIED in programs like Photoshop. Feel free to add stuff to your photo or make it black and white.

4) Keep in mind you DON’T have to WEAR the shirt. If you want to use it in other ways that is fine too. Draping it over select body parts also may score you some votes. You can tie the shirt in front like you’re a really feminine male or you can go totally ’80s style with a half tee. I was asked if you can rip or cut the shirt, and if you feel like ripping out my heart then by all means you can do it, but if you’re going to deface the shirt I’d prefer if you bedazzle it. But then again, if you’re soo voluptuous that you’re boobs rip the shirt open by themselves then it’s no fault of your own. In fact, God Bless. Cut carefully though, we only have a limited supply of shirts.

5) You’re allowed to send in up to 5 photo entries per person. The best 2 will make the competition. All photos sent may not make the competition but the ones that are chosen will be published on the Internet for visitors to vote on and become property of The Sexy Armpit.com. If you are not comfortable with this then please do not enter.

6) If you cannot get pictures taken or if you feel that you won’t be able to for some reason then we’ll arrange for our professional photographer to take them at The Sexy Armpit Headquarters.

7) If you’re DIY, then send us your address in order for us to send you the shirt. After you take your photos please send all entries to sexyarmpit@comcast.net

  • the name/nickname you want to enter as & what size shirt

  • the town you were born and raised, and a sentence or two bio of what you’re about and what you like to do. You can include bands you like, links to your website, etc. Provide some interesting attention grabbing facts about yourself.

  • up to 5 photos, in .jpg, .bmp, .png, etc. (Please keep pictures original size)

8) The contestant with the MOST votes after the voting is over will be the winner.

HOW DO I WIN?

Tell everyone you know to vote. You’ll be notified where you can view the contestants pictures and how you can vote. Tell everyone on MySpace or Facebook. VOTE! You don’t have to sing for this competition, you just have to look good.

WHAT HAPPENS IF I WIN?

The prize police will knock down your door…eh…no they won’t. We’ll let you know if you win. You’ll become the first ever Miss Sexy Armpit and take home a fine gift card for Ticketmaster.

www.SexyArmpit.com

The Sexy Armpit’s “We Can Make a Difference” Campaign Phase 1

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You know something…F–K politics! Aren’t you fed up with this country’s total lack of focus on what’s really important? This is why I’ve decided to lay out my plan which is a complete overhaul of this country. My plan will put this country on a spin cycle, and I can assure you I WILL NOT FORGET THE FABRIC SOFTENER!

Are you at all surprised by McGreevy’s 3-ways, rest stop romps, or “Friday night specials”??? Think about it, Spitzer’s so desperate he needs to hire a prostitute to get a BJ? Wait, desperate isn’t even the proper word, he spent over $4,000 to get some action! Not to mention that the action was from a Jersey girl, talk about a waste of funds! That’s a fortune to some people and he spent it on something the majority of us halfway decent looking guys with average brain power could get after spending the night in any dive bar around the country (especially in Jersey!) His successor Patterson is such a scared pansy that he spilled all so they don’t catch him in a lie. What more can come out in the media each day? Each story released spurs further dirt on candidates and politicians that truly have nothing to do with the war in Iraq, health care, or the apparent recession. All these smutty stories do is divert our attention from examining the true problems this country has.

I’m so fed up with the direction this country is going. I’m angry that our media decides to focus on everything BUT the important issues at hand. Why do we care if Bill Clinton had a side piece? Are we that gullible to believe he was the first politician to do that? How come the guys only get called out on it? Talk about a sexist world! It would really make my day if Spitzer announced he was divorcing his wife for being a dried up old hag with no sexual interest in favor of running off with his 22 year old, 105 lb prostitute…that little hot bitch. All men want is to have a woman who brings some lust and excitement to the bedroom department. For some reason, the guys that go into politics aren’t typically Ambercrombie models. Most of these guys grew up with a chip on their shoulders because they couldn’t get laid, and now that they have some notoriety they use it to their advantage whether gay or straight.

This country is in denial! It needs to sit down on a couch with a therapist just like Tony Soprano did. If the rough, tough, and macho mob boss Tony Soprano could sit down with a therapist then why the hell can’t the United States? America has lost it’s focus, it’s ignoring the real issues, and frankly it’s got a real addiction to Hollywood gossip. That’s gotta stop!

As for my grassroots campaign, my candidate will use Jem and the Holograms “We Can Make a Difference” as his campaign song. My candidate will fight every battle with fierce patriotism and the values the country was founded on. Where the hell did our pride go? Remember all that Red, White, and Blue that was splattered all over your town about 6 or 7 years ago? That 9/11 rallying seemed to disappear not too long afterward. Jem will assure the country that our new candidate can and WILL make a difference!

Let me go over a few of the Policies of the the ideal candidate. The first policy my candidate ratifies will be replacing the House of Representatives with “The Secretaries of State.” The Secretaries of State will comprise of women, celebrities or well known female personalities who will serve as the spokesperson for each state. For instance, Eva Longoria will be the representative for Texas since she is from Texas. Each secretary would obviously have no responsibilities since they would merely be figureheads associated with tourism and sports teams. People will automatically think of the representative of the state when they think of that specific state. Most likely you’ll see them on T-shirts in airport gift shops. As an example, the Texas shirt features Eva Longoria all sweaty and dirty in a camouflage bikini, a machine gun and a bandanna. The shirt reads “Don’t Mess With Texas.” That’ll definitely be a top seller.

My new Secretarial program will also integrate political commentary into shows like Extra and Access Hollywood. It will in turn give us all a reason to watch those boring ass political shows on Sunday morning. Featured each week as guest hosts will be different Secretaries of state wowing us with their comprehensive, educated, answers and lightning fast responses to hard pressing, hot button issues. How will that miracle of modern science be accomplished? Easy! A small microchip implanted in their ears will send them transmissions from Washington D.C feeding them exactly what to say! Only Jack Bauer is in on the secret. This measure will prevent stuff like THIS from happening:

“I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help
the US, uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian
countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us.”

There will be hott calendars featuring the secretaries on sale in gift shops and Spencer’s everywhere. Half the proceeds of all “Secretaries” merch will go to the government, in order to offset the ass rape of taxes we receive all year long. I won’t rule out action figures, playsets, and thongs either. Think of how easy for us guys to remember…oh ok, “Angelina Jolie” represents California! “What’s the capital of California? Who gives a fuck! I know who the secretary is, and I can name all the films she appeared nude in! Isn’t that enough dammit! That’s enough politics for one day!” Even young students will find it advantageous to memorize each states representative. Many young boys will have their first wet dream thanks to California. “Mommy, I can’t seem to remember the representative of California, can we discuss her more thoroughly and purchasing her complete filmography on iTunes might jog my memory”
The sexy Secretaries would meet in the House of Representatives when they have their bi-annual (its not called “bi” for nothing (wink, nudge) lingerie pillow fight. Lots of important issues will be voted on afterward like who looked the hottest, who can get the most applause, and who should take their top off. There’s also the much anticipated annual Chili competition. No, it’s not what you think! The girls don’t put on chefs hats and cook up their own spicy, beany, meat stew. They all get put in a room in hot string bikinis where air jets are blasting ice cold frosty air. Whoever can stay in the room the longest without grabbing for stuff to keep them warm like a fur coat or thigh highs, will win the competition. Whoever has the most meat on her bones will have the edge. Just think…Hard Nipples for EVERYONE! Even though I’m not a necrophiliac, I’ve always thought blue lips were superhot.
Please join us tomorrow for the outline of Phase II of The Sexy Armpit’s “We Can Make a Difference” campaign 2008!

www.SexyArmpit.com