Captain America: Back to Life and in My Kitchen

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Don’t ask me what the fuck Marvel did with the Captain America storyline. For those who aren’t aware, Marvel comics decided to kill off Captain America and bring him back with a new alter ego. What can I say, I’m a purist. I felt like I needed to resurrect the original Captain America so I attempted a “Weird Science-like” experiment. Even with the advent of miniature super heroes that grow six times their size when you throw them in water, I never thought Captain America would actually be in my condo. After it was all said and done, I was grateful for his visit.
If I can reincarnate a super hero on my kitchen counter, think of the host of other possibilities that my kitchen counter can be used for! I might actually cook something one of these days, except probably not in the bowl that Captain America was incubating in so you have nothing to worry about.
I was once told that if I ever had a seed I should definitely plant the seed, nurture the seed, till the soil, and give it encouragement, attention and love. Instead of all that crap, I used the same enhancing serum that the U.S government used on the original Captain America: Steve Rogers himself. I came into a shitload of it when it fell off a truck in near Lyndhurst, NJ. Actually, I’m totally lying to you, I really copped out on this one. I used plain New Jersey tap water…I figured that was radioactive enough to make him grow and give him super powers.

In case you weren’t aware, when you want to grow your own Super Hero, all you need to do is take it out of the package and toss it in a bowl of water and leave it alone for 72 hours. What kind of a children’s amusement toy is this? My father actually wondered how a kid would even enjoy this. There’s no immediate satisfaction! “Here ya go kid, throw this in water…then come back in 3 days…this is FUN isn’t it!?!?!” Damn I know when I was a kid I had more fun taking out my mother’s pots and pans from the kitchen cabinet.

His legend precedes him, but Captain America was much smaller than I first thought. He might’ve been smaller than a freakin‘ Smurf, but his eyes were similar. In fact, he looked like a retarded Claymation figure. This is not what I was expecting from an American Hero.
Captain grew nicely, and when I took him out after 3 days, he was all gross and slimy. To confess, I really didn’t want to touch him at all. He looked and felt like a really nasty sea creature. I did drink the water after I took him out of his little mineral bath though. It was delicious. This water serum that I concocted proved just as effective as Ra’s al Ghul’s Lazarus pit, but of course, he lost his power after a while. Judging by his appearance in the last picture…Cap is shrunken, shriveled, and apparently doesn’t have much staying power. Maybe I shouldn’t have messed with Mother Nature?

www.SexyArmpit.com

Bon Jovi at The Prudential Center in Newark, N.J 10/25/07

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Other media outlets and blogs were on this story like a cheap suit, so I’ll do it up Sexy Armpit style. If you know me in “real life,” then you know I’m a huge Bon Jovi fan. There’s Bon Jovi fans all over the world, but if you grew up a couple of miles away from Jon’s hometown and went to the same high school Richie Sambora did, there’s a special connection. Everyone all over town has a Bon Jovi story for you.

Here’s one: Opening night of the Prudential Center was pretty exciting. It took about 10 minutes to walk from Newark Penn Station to the new venue “The Rock” as they’re calling it. This wasn’t a fun journey because I had to pee so bad and people were walking very leisurely, like when they’re at the mall on a weekday. I briskly walked past everyone not giving a f–k about huge piles of horse shit in the streets. Horse shit? Oh yeah, there were police on horseback in addition to the 35,000 other cops and security strewn about the area. You’d think the President was coming. (I doubt Bush would last 3 seconds in Newark. I also doubt he’d be able to bypass all the piles of horse shit.)
TV crews and radio stations were setup and, once we got there, thousands of people were waiting in lines to actually get in the building! There was a big holdup because everyone had to get patted down, scanned, and then you had to do the hokey pokey. As I held out my ticket to give to the ticket taker, she said “I need your ticket.” I was a bit confused because that’s exactly what I was shoving in her face at that moment. They really trained these folks well! We made our way up the spiral staircase that brought us to the top that overlooked the foyer with the N.J Devils logo on the floor.
“The Rock,” is a brand new facility with the most up to date amenities. The center also features a bar/restaurant that’s open on the area side so you can watch whatever’s going on while your getting trashed and eating a $5.00 slice of pizza. I would say the place was fairly impressive, but I really didn’t think there was anything wrong with the Meadowlands Arena aka the Izod Center. I questioned how cutting edge the facility was when people were leaving after the show and the escalator stopped dead with a bunch of people on it. If we didn’t grab hold of each other we would have went flying into that disastrous place called “let’s cover this up by giving them comped Bon Jovi tickets for the next 10 nights so it doesn’t make the papers.”

Oh yeah, you probably want to know how the show was! Let’s put it this way, Bon Jovi NEVER puts on a bad show. Every time I’ve seen them they’ve been on point and I always leave saying how great the show was. It gets harder to top themselves but this show had a more laid back vibe, like on their latest album “Lost Highway.” The album is less rocking, and more reflective, with a country aspect to sound. That didn’t deter the band from kicking off the Prudential center and their world tour in a grand fashion: “I’m a New Jersey Devil and this is my new house,” Jon declared.

Highlights of the show: The opener “Lost Highway,” “We’ve Got it Goin‘ On” (What’s with all the the commercial jingles lately?), A spectacular rendition of “These Days” sung by Richie Sambora with Violinist Lorenza Ponce. How many times have you seen a violinist rocking out a solo? Then there was the middle aged guy who’s pissed drunk and thinks he’s giving his own concert to the people around him. I can’t forget the crazy people in front of us who thought they were filming a B-52’s video. (see above) They were dancing like they were at a Prince concert. The best moment as always was the finale of their anthem, “Wanted Dead or Alive.”
www.SexyArmpit.com

Haunted Hayride of Terror

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With Halloween approaching I realized that I’ve never been on a haunted hayride before and that needed to change. On Friday night we headed down to Marlboro N.J to check out the “Haunted Hayride of Terror” and the Haunted barn. It was a cool autumn night and there were a lot of people showing up to get scared which reminded me of how Halloween should be!

If you think to yourself “How is a barn going to be scary?” There were no slaughtered hens or pigs scattered all over the place, but they did the place up nice. It was no Castle Dracula or the Haunted Houses you remember from your youth, but it had a spooky atmosphere. We wandered through the dark “barn” and finally came to a spinning tunnel through which we walked across a swaying catwalk. The spinning tunnel was a great effect and I enjoyed the feeling although if I stayed in there I felt the small glass of Jim Beam I had earlier in the night might’ve came up. We saw the usual setups, like the exorcist, and the crypt keeper. We also passed by skeleton pirates and at the end there was a real masked midget that jumped out at us who was doing a grand job of keeping still so we didn’t know he was real. There was no feeling of impending danger but the different animatronic setups were a throwback. It’s a little much when your walking through a local haunted attraction and all you encounter around corners are teenage kids donning various horror movie masks. To me that’s never scary. We did witness those exact kids when we went on the hayride.

After the barn a mess of people hopped on a big tractor that sat everyone on bails of hay which were actually comfortable. There were torches to light the way of the tractor driver as he slowly drove us through the woods. Scattered about the woods were various scary setups, some with live actors and some with fake bodies or skeletons. The live costumed actors would actually jump up onto the tractor and come try and scare each of us. One of the guys had a chainsaw, while another dressed like Michael Myers. At the end of the ride we stopped to take some “wacky” pictures of ourselves in the cardboard stand ups of Frankenstein and the Phantom of the Opera etc.
www.SexyArmpit.com

A Summer Excursion

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It’s the end of the summer and I figured I’d recap all that happened but then I realized, not all that much happened. At one point during the summer I got fed up with typical outings like movies and restaurants and sought out some off the wall things to occupy our rare free time. I picked one place to write about in particular that my girlfriend and I visited called Grounds for Sculpture in Hamilton N.J.

Grounds for Sculpture is basically an enormous sculpture park. It wasn’t a trip to Six Flags but it was original to say the least. It was a deadly hot day as we walked around the fields and paths looking for objects that might have been a sculpture that we were supposed to be on the lookout for. Occasionally we would be discussing the finer points of a large tree only to find out that it was actually only just a tree and not a sculpture. I can’t tell you how many times I uttered the phrase “Is this a sculpture?” It was probably more times than I’ll ever say that phrase again in my life. Every time my girlfriend saw a flower she had to examine it to see if it was real and each time it was. What kind of nickle an dime operation is this? They called this a sculpture park? The amount of actual sculptures paled in comparison to the ones that weren’t!

I felt kind of uncomfortable at times because of the random nude sculptures complete with bush and all. These sculptors have no shame! Most of the time we were looking at sculpts that reminded me of something Delia Deetz from Beetlejuice made. There was even one sculpture of a human form that paralyzed me for a moment. I walked around a corner and looked straight ahead down a walkway to see this human sculpture. I felt like I was in the Shining when Torrance walked into room #237 and saw the lady rising up from the bathtub. It was pretty frightening for a moment. Being in such surreal surrounding, it made me think I was in an alternate dimension or the Overlook for a second.

Of course, there were no shortage of silly “Hey look I’m part of the sculpture” photo ops to lighten the mood. It was a fun and odd excursion and if you’re ever just feel in the mood to see some freakin‘ sculptures then definitely pay them a visit. You never know, you might see that clay UFO that you made in pre-school!

What the World needs now is Comic Book Stores, Sweet Comic Book Stores

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I’m not a big fan of shopping but I’m a sucker for a good comic book store. Growing up, going to a comic book store was one of the main things that I looked forward to. Aside from new comics, you could find boxes of 10 cent comics, random junk, posters, and the newest collectibles. Unfortunately there aren’t many decent comic stores around anymore. I think it has more to do with the personal connection that many of us had with the store owners and employees back then.

I was immersed in comic book collecting from a very young age. It all started with a back issue my sister picked up for me, Batman #349. It was 1985 and she bought it at the store that occupied the future spot of Heroes World in Woodbridge Center, I believe it was called The Paper Tiger. The cover is still etched in my mind and the style of Batman and Robin is still a favorite cover of mine ’til this day. I prefer Bronze Age Batman which is reflected in the ’70s and early ’80s comics books. For a better idea of these you can take a look at this site where you can find comic book covers of all kinds. I began collecting several Batman titles, some Superman, Supergirl, The Outsiders, and The Green Hornet to name a few. It was pretty difficult to find a comic book store before the Batman movie in ’89 created Batmania all over the place. Luckily, I started collecting before the Batman movie was on the horizon. At that time comics were getting more and more popular but they were still bought by a relatively small fan base.

My favorite shop, Comic Relief in Colonia, was where my father would take me every week. They had some really good people working there who would remember me and hold my “pull list” of comics for me back when I didn’t even know what a pull list was. For those that don’t know – they always remembered what titles I collected and which issues I was looking out for. Stores aren’t as personal anymore now that eBay and online shops exist. You don’t even have to go searching anymore, you can type in the issue and order it in a few seconds! Not to sound like an old fogey, but it was more fun back when you actually went to the shop and searched for a specific issue in the back issues boxes. It was a great feeling of excitement when you first walked in and saw all the new issues on display. What wasn’t fun was the point you realized you had a stack of 10 books and you were about to pay close to 40 bucks for them! Occasionally for a change of pace we’d go to Tommy’s Cards and Comics in Metuchen. Tommy, the owner, always acted real cocky and wore odd fishing hats. Not necessarily the kind of guy you want to buy your comics from.

Comic Relief in Colonia and Heroes World closed and I was constantly being jerked back and forth like I was on a bumper car. An avid comic collector such as myself was left without a store to get comics at. Heroes World became my destination for comic, collectibles, and action figures for several years. Later, Comic Attitudes in Menlo Park Mall was close to me and a decent enough replacement for a while. The people working there were kind of snotty and they were also overpriced probably due to Mall overhead. Eventually, out of the several locations of Jim Hanley’s Universe, the most convenient for me was the one in Fords near Vintage Vinyl. I liked Jim Hanley’s a lot more than Comic Attitudes since it catered more to the fanboy, not the mall shopper.

It wasn’t until I was about 13 years old that I discovered what I consider the mecca of comic book stores, Midtown Comics in Manhattan. I had an sensory overload when I realized all of the comics, shirts, toys, and hard to find bootleg videos they had. The only problem was that I only had the time and money to get to Manhattan maybe once a month. I started heading into Manhattan once a month to load up on comics. That was before I even had a license! NJ Transit back and forth. After the demise of Jim Hanley’s in Fords and Comic Attitudes, I started giving Adventure Planet in Edison a try. They had a great selection of books without all the glitz of other places like Comic Attitudes. It reminded me most of Comic Relief. In fact, I believe their store was originally a location of another Comic Relief. They also had a killer selection of used and new toys and figures. I used to sell a lot of my stuff to them.

I began this post basically saying there are no more comic book stores around here. That’s not really accurate, because they are around, they just aren’t the same. Or is it that I’m just older? Or is it that the personal touch and rapport that a frequent comic buyer and a store owner/employee used to have with each other?

We still have hope. I visited Little Shop of Comics in Scotch Plains and it’s a pretty decent little store. They have lots of collectibles and a wide selection of new and indy comics. Thanks to Miss Sexy Armpit, another store I visited about a year ago is actually called The Record Store in Howell. It’s pretty awesome and has a large selection of figures, comics, collectibles, and music. My buddy Rebecca reminded me that there was also Rogue Comics in Cranford, which is also a good stop.  Classic Comics in Rahway is OK, but it feels like they’re watching you when you’re browsing. I hate that. Finally, I can’t leave out Jay and Silent Bob’s Secret Stash which is a fun stop at anytime I’m in Red Bank. If you know of any great comic shops please post/link them. Thanks!

www.SexyArmpit.com

The Soprano’s Score a Soda

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I have to admit I’m almost getting that same feeling as I had leading up to the release of Revenge of the Sith. For a Star Wars fan to disclose that kind of info to the public is pretty huge because that feeling doesn’t come around that many times in life. It’s the same type of excitement anyone can experience for something they are really looking forward to beyond description. Usually when I’m anticipating an event I feel pretty good vibes leading up to it. So having this cold bottle of amaretto flavored Soprano’s Italian Soda only creates more fervor inside of me.
I don’t think marketing “Italian” Sodas with the Soprano’s logo is extreme at all. I think it came at a perfect time. If items like this came during an earlier season of the show the novelty would have watered down the shows quality. Just this past year we saw the release of the Soprano’s video game and a slew of other stuff. These things really just make me more anxious and make the year long wait time in between seasons more grueling when it should be whetting my palate. Even though I’m super excited, I’m still very sad to see it go. For six seasons The Soprano’s has been the most well done show out of any program on broadcast television or cable.
Even though it shows a darker side of the state I feel that The Sopranos is proud of the great state of New Jersey and embraces it much like we do here at The Sexy Armpit. Make fun of N.J all you want, but we can say this classic show belongs to us!

www.SexyArmpit.com

So Long, Burger Express

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Was it the giant sign protruding out of the parking lot that says Cheese Fries emblazoned in yellow and black that made it so special? Perhaps it was the fact that sitting inside made you feel like you were back in another era? Even though it was known as Burger Express, one of the most famous items on the menu was their Chicken Sandwich with Cheese Fries. Of course, when you’re drunk at 2 am, any type of food ain’t too shabby. You’re 17 years old and the only place you can really drive to with your friends when everything else is closed is a 24 hour burger joint. For 30 years, Burger Express was just that for many of us. B.E. in Carteret, NJ has been a fast food staple, and a local legend of sorts for the entire local area. Recently we got wind that B.E was being forced to close it’s doors. (Something about the NJ Turnpike authority making Exit 12 bigger.) Last weekend we had our last taste of B.E., at least for a while. The lines were literally out the door. It’s said that the classic Cheese Fries sign will rise up from the ground like that missile in Wyatt’s house and once again rule the fast food cravings of many.

In a similar sense, Sciortino’s Pizzeria (the greatest pizza in history) in Perth Amboy, N.J showed the state that they couldn’t keep a good restaurant down. They were forced to close their doors by the city, they re-opened in South Amboy, and now they’re doing better than ever. I think it has something to do with the obligatory newspaper article hanging on the wall commending the unique cuisine and vintage atmosphere. If an eatery has one of those hanging it might give them the extra fortitude to survive amongst all of the chain restaurants that pop up all over the place which no one bothers to actually ever write about. It’s probably cause they’ve got no personality.

www.SexyArmpit.com

Plans for ’07

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I don’t really have any mind blowing plans for ‘07. I’m not gonna be like all the trendy people and say “world domination” is on my list of things to do. I never aim that high.

I thought about writing some really off the wall stuff describing my plans for ’07 but in all honesty I never think of a new year as any different than a few days from now. Let’s be honest how much do things really change? We get older, more cranky. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna keep doing the same things I’ve been doing.

New Jersey will still be known as a shithole. I bet I’ll still watch lame Nicole Eggert movies, usually starring Corey Haim as well. Most likely Gwen Stefani will still be on my iPod. I’ll still be reading comics, eating eggplant parm., and being claustrophobic. WWE, 30 Rock, and Heroes will still be on the top of my list of shows to watch. The wait time for the next Batman movie will dwindle down to 1 year. As you can see, things won’t drastically change. I do wish for MTV to become as cool as they were when I was a kid, minus the reality crap.

Other than the previously stated items, I’ve been having quite a hard time pronouncing the word “brewery.” I don’t know that I have much of a necessity to say “brewery” all that often but I’ll need to get better at saying it anyway.

There’s also no doubt that I’ll keep berating all of you with my blog because I have such a good time doing it. Even if the new year doesn’t bring much change I’m still looking forward it. Happy New Year everyone!

www.SexyArmpit.com

Saturday Night with ECPW

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A friend of mine invited me to go to a local wrestling event on Saturday. I can’t say that I was apprehensive because I am a big wrestling fan and I haven’t seen him in a while. We drove to the ECPW headquarters in Lake Hiawatha, N.J. Upon arrival we entered into the “backstage area” which houses a practice ring and all the guys are warming up there. I first thought that the ring I saw was the one we’d be witnessing the event in, and thankfully I was wrong. As we made our way to the actual event area, I noticed that it looked like a basement from the 70’s where random Kenner Star Wars toys should be strewn about. The concrete walls were painted black and one wall was spray painted with the word ADRENALINE in green. Spotlights were shining on the ring and there were families and girlfriends of the wrestlers in the audience. After seeing the guy with the DV cam, and being reminded by my friend, I realized it was a TV taping. This event was to air as several separate shows on public access. The show was introduced by Dave Cunningham, the capable ring announcer.

The wrestlers that came out were, of course, no match for the guys you see on WWE every Monday night, but they were on the right track. Some of the characterization needs more originality considering that they have a Canadian faction that appears frequently. The Canadian Outlaws are decent in the ring, but I think it’s an overdone gimmick. Kevin Apollo is the all American baby face who definitely needs to improve his mic skills but he kept my attention and he has good in ring ability. Surprisingly, the crowd roots for him even though he’s shameless about being “the nice guy.” I’m a fan even though he’d get eaten alive in WWE. Same goes for Jay Santana although his top notch ring skills overshadow his “Ariba” screams. Gil Quest is a stellar athlete with a great theme song : “You’re the Best” from the Karate Kid. It’s painfully obvious that Playboy Marcus Shields stole his gimmick from the Rock. It’s also pretty apparent that Vincent Valentine is one of the more talented on the roster. He’s a great talker and he’s definitely effective as a heel in the Army of Darkness. I kept calling the other member of the army Maxx Payne and Man Mountain Rock because that’s how he looked regardless that his name is Legion. The Hot Shot Mike Reed looks like a cross between Kip James (The Ass Man) and as my friend Steve said former Chicago Bear, Jim McMahon.

The tag champs The Owens were getting some negative feedback from the crowd, but they are a hard hitting tag team who remind of a young Hart Foundation minus the great technical skill of Bret. I really enjoyed the Jedi tag team (The Next Generation) who come to the ring wielding light sabers and when in need of a tag simply tell their partner to “use the force.” I’m not sure if they are being serious or not because it comes off hysterical.

The managers of ECPW are quite memorable. Padrone is an stereotypical Italian manager of the probably un-Italian Dan Mandini who’s no relation to the Mortal

Kombat/WuTang/Marijuana mark the Great Blazini. The Creeper, is just that, a little creepy guy who carries around a rubber rat. Leaving the building I even saw the pompous and arrogant manager Doug Devito get into his Cadillac while still puffing on his cigar.

Considering the production qualities aren’t the best the show was still fun. Watching a show like this brings me back to the basics. The focus isn’t on the owners daughter, or necrophilia, or running someone over with a Bigfoot truck. The focus is on wrestling, and the spectacle of having many different personalities team up in the squared circle to put on a show. The competitors showed that they were dedicated to the sport, they got most of their spots right, and they stayed in character. Run by wrestling veteran Gino Caruso, this wrestling organization reminds me of how WWE was when I was growing up. With time, and with their public access show, the ECPW is bound to take off like ECW did. Check them out at www.ECPW1.com, it’s a chance to see some future wrestling stars while they’re still accessible.

www.SexyArmpit.com

I heard of Coal for Christmas, but E. Coli?

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Where are the stoners, slackers, and lovers of artificial Mexican cuisine going to get their sustenance? The outbreak of E. Coli in the Tri-State area specifically New Jersey has sparked a major media reaction. The news has been all over this story and with good reason. Not too long ago in this very blog I was raving about how heavenly Taco Bell food is. And if it weren’t for a few bad scallions I’d probably still tell you the same thing. Hell, a couple of diseased vegetables can’t kill such a great fast food chain. Taco Bell shall overcome.

As I continute to desperately sprint for the border and grasp onto what little piece of glory is left of the Taco Bell legacy, let me tell you about the Secret Santa swap we’re doing at work. It’s imperative that you know how I despise Secret Santa swaps. They are insipid. Fortunately this year, a woman at work decided to tweak the tradition ever so slightly so we can all enjoy it a bit more. She came up with writing not only our name, but also 3 things we would like for $20 on our little secret ballot. I think that’s a lot better than getting some dumbass gift you would never ask for or want in your entire life. So, I wrote down an Amazon gift card, followed by…(drum roll) $20 bucks in Taco Bell gift certificates! Mind you, this was only about a week before the E.Coli outbreak hit the news. I was so pumped to get the oddest, most white trash Secret Santa gift in history. In an effort to save myself from shitting blood I decided (against my better wishes) to take good ol’ Taco Bell off my Secret Santa ballot. I didn’t want the punch line of this story to go down like this:

Jay: Hey Suzy, what did you get from the Secret Santa swap?
Suzy: Bob got me a great flashlight/umbrella hybrid, what did you get?
Jay: I got E.Coli. I never wanted it to end this way.
Suzy: Oh stop, your life isn’t over…yet! You still haven’t finished your Extreme Supreme Chalupa with extra scallions.
Jay: Death by Chalupa. I guess the bell tolls for me.

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