Knockoffs in Disguise

With the hysteria of the new Transformers movie and living in a world of constant nostalgia, I wanted to share a revelation that I came to recently. It had nothing to do with the meaning of life, or the fact that I feel I was meant to finally bring Dingbat and the Creeps to the Broadway stage. This is one of those little mysteries that I was bent on solving.

I got into a conversation at work about Transformers. Believe it or not, it was about the fact that I didn’t have too many Transformer toys as a kid and rarely watched the show that much. I did catch the show on occasion and I did have the original, awesome Optimus Prime figure/truck. It was a killer toy. For my taste, I was never too intrigued by the Transformers. I was more of a fan of the Go-Bots for some reason even though robots in general never did it for me unless it was C3PO, R2D2, or Vicki from Small Wonder.

The Go-bots were basically a knock-off of Transformers. They road the wave of popularity that transforming robots created in the ’80s. I mentioned in this nostalgic powwow that I had one Go-bot figure whose name escaped me but I remembered what it looked like. It was then my mission to scour the Internet for the exact figure I had. Luckily I found this site that had a list of every Transformer and Go-Bot toy ever made. I checked each and every one of them twice with no luck finding my old toy. It was frustrating to think that the mighty Internet couldn’t solve this mystery for me. It shows how reliant I am on the net, but there really isn’t any other way to find this kind of thing out easily. I figured if it wasn’t a Transformer and it wasn’t that specific Go-Bot that I thought then what the hell was it?

My friend Steve sent me a link to check out in hopes that I may get to the bottom of this.
http://www.toyarchive.com/Gobots/StoreDisplayShellConvert.html

I’m sure it was my birthday or Christmastime and an Aunt, Uncle, or cousin actually drove up to get gas at Shell and remembered that they didn’t by little Jay a gift! Oh crap! Luckily they are selling these knockoff Go-Bots aptly named CONVERTIBLE ROBOTS, and you can get one when you buy some gas. I can honestly say that I had alot of knockoff toys in my childhood because the real ones were always more expensive and sometimes harder to find. This knockoff, even though generic, was more convincing as it took me over 20 years to figure out that it was a ripoff and not a real Go-Bot or Transformer. It was perfect for kid who wasn’t a huge fan of either of the shows because I had no idea that it wasn’t even a real character. It truly was a robot in disguise.

There aren’t many things in life that are worse than knowing you had a knockoff of Go-Bo figure as a child. What a sad memory to hold in my heart! I owned a knockoff of a knockoff. I think falling into the toilet and getting your ass all wet just after you took a shit might be the only thing worse.

From Bat-Bots to Bat-Pods

With the latest picture released of Batman’s new modified costume in next summer’s The Dark Knight, I figured I’d weigh in on something Batman related. If you aren’t aware I’m a Bat-freak and have been since the Super-Friends. The latest animated incarnation that debuted a few years ago called “The Batman” has it’s pros and cons. After 4 seasons I’m not completely sold on the show although I do enjoy it.

First, the CONS: The way the show portrays classic characters like The Joker, Penguin, and The Riddler doesn’t really live up to my expectations of what they should be like. When I say “what they should be like” is of course a matter of opinion. Batgirl was introduced in the 3rd season (before Robin???) and I don’t know if I like her costume too much, it’s kind of odd. I also can’t stand the show’s new theme song (not the original one by Edge, the newer one) it sounds so much like a mix of James Bond and Hawaii Five-O. Like Carlito says: It’s not cool. It’s upbeat but not Batman-esque. Lastly, I can’t say enough awful things about the Bat-Bot suit that Batman used in a couple of episodes.

Onto the Pros. The plots are interesting, pacing is fast, and the dialouge is well written. Other than that the animation quality, voice acting, and the Batmobile are all top notch.

I can’t wait for The Dark Knight next summer but I was a little put off by seeing pictures of the “Bat-Pod” as if the Bat-Bot wasn’t bad enough! Can’t we just give this guy his classic Batcycle? All vehicle modifications aside, with Anthony Michael Hall, and Eric Roberts part of the cast this movie is shaping up to be the best Batman yet.

F–K You Nielsen ratings!

I just finished watching the 2nd episode of Hidden Palms on the CW. You can say what you want about that, I really don’t care! I’m enjoying the show and many of it’s details. For one thing Kevin Williamson is responsible for it and he’s the guy that wrote Scream and Dawson’s Creek among others. The teaser trailers that were released on TV and online really caught my attention because of the frightening shots and the talk of “people come here to die.” I thought it was a horror show but I figured it couldn’t be since they already have Supernatural which isn’t a bad show either! The setting appeals to me since Palm Springs is one of the best places in California for its architecture which I appreciate. There’s definitely something original about Hidden Palms though. The show definitely has a dark side and the plot takes twists and turns as it almost veers on being a thriller at times. I wish it would go more in that direction because I think that’s where it will find it’s niche audience. I’d rather not see a mystery but it never hurts to throw in some tense buildups to a climax that might even be scary. As for the cast, I already knew Cliff (Michael Cassidy) from the O.C as well as Taylor Handley who plays the lead character Johnny. Cassidy’s Cliff character is very reminiscent of James Spader’s roles in the ’80s. Amber Heard plays the love interest, Greta, and she’s just freakin hot. Johnny’s mother is played by Gail O’Grady who isn’t so bad either if you’re into milfs.

It’ll bother the shit out of me if this show gets cancelled. After all, it IS a summer replacement shows and I’ve read that only 8 episodes were originally ordered. The first episode had pretty poor Nielsen ratings. Why do we as viewers allow this to be the only way that ratings for shows are calculated? It’s bullshit! Now, who the hell actually has a Nielsen box anyway?No one I know or ever have known in my entire life has had a Nielsen box. There’s only one box that dictates anything to me and it isn’t named Nielsen. We’re letting good shows get cancelled, we need to get Nielsen the f— out! Their process is not a good one. They have no idea who is really watching which shows. While I’m on the subject, Arbitron has no idea who is listening to which radio station at certain hours of the day. It’s crap! The viewers with a Nielsen box know that their habits count and they can watch a certain show religiously to keep it on the air. What about the voices of the millions AND MILLIONS of TV fans that DON’T have a Nielsen box? Their favorite shows get cancelled. Let’s take the upper hand and collectively give Nielsen a big F-U!

Night Walk

I went for a long walk downtown on Saturday night. It was a pretty nice night out considering how hot it was in the daytime. I figured I’d walk to the Quick Check to see if they had the new Monster Energy Coffee drink that I wanted to try. I began my trip with a glance at the New York City skyline. Far in the distance it glows like a majestic Oz. New York is no Oz, and neither is where I‘m about to go. As I walked down Main Street I thought about how I used to want to move out to California and live in San Diego. In fact, it didn’t seem like an option, I was set on moving once I finished college. Some of my friends always said they wanted to pack up and just move the hell out of here. I never thought of moving away to a different state as an escape, I felt there would be more job opportunities there. I never felt like I needed to “get out of this damn town.” I believed that it was pretty lame to stay in the same place my whole life. I never wanted to be “that guy.” You know, the middle aged guy who works jobs around town gathering shopping carts at the store and cutting grass all while reminiscing with the people in town about the old days. That same guy could tell you every one of his teachers names from High School and the score to every football game he played in. Or possibly a more realistic scenario, he wears a Metallica T-shirt and can tell you the in-s and outs of his Pontiac Firebird that he bought junior year of high school that he still drives. Thankfully, I’m not them but it is scary to think that it’s possible to become that way. Is it because they get trapped in their hometown forever? I don’t think so because I know many people who have strong familial ties to the town and the surrounding towns. My family isn’t from this town, in fact they’ve collectively lived in so many different towns that I can’t keep track. I thought about how time passed and that money and a realistic career kept me from ever moving so far away. I don’t feel that making the decision to not move away has made me any worse off though.

As I made my way under the route 9 overpass I noticed how much garbage decorated the dirt sidewalk. I thought “Why do we even have stretches of dirt sidewalk in a town with 100,000 people in it?” I quickly forgot about the garbage on the ground. Some low hanging tree branches presented my face with the always annoying spider web, and another, and even one more a few hundred feet further to get me pissed just enough. With the spider webs and the humidity I feel like I need to take 17 showers at this point.

I think I live in the only town that has convenience stores every 300 feet. 7-11didn’t have the drink I wanted so I moved along. The stores and restaraunts were closed and it seemed like a ghost town except for the cars. I looked into the windows of some of the places in the center of town and wondered “How do some of these places stay in business?” I rarely see anyone ever going into some of them. Next stop was Quick Check and again, no luck with the Monster coffee. I kept walking and noticed two Latina ladies passing me on the left. One of the girls said quietly “Hiii Papi” in a friendly fashion. I was surprised because I don’t think anyone has ever said that to me and inside, I was laughing. I walked about 200 feet away this time and stopped into, YES, ANOTHER QUICK CHECK! No luck again. I’m not kidding here people, there ARE that many convenience stores in our area. Watch the tram car please, Next Stop: Walgreen’s open til’ midnight! No Monster Coffee beverage. Bummer.

My journey was unsuccessful and it was time to make my way back home. I walked back down Main Street as a tall guy passed me on the right. He nodded his head and said “What’s up?” in a pretty upbeat manner. I said “what’s up” back and kept on my way. Shitty me was about to ignore him. It was an oddly good feeling to have people say hello to me at 11:30 at night when the streets are pretty empty. The idea I have when walking the streets aimlessly at night (or at any time or place for that matter) is that this person is going to mug me so please walk past me as quickly as possible. Does their friendliness make me feel like things are “getting better in the world?” Not really judging by the garbage all over the ground and that there are psychos that decide to shoot people like at Virginia Tech. Life isn’t so peachy keen, but for that hour and a half that I was walking the streets on a cool but humid night, I felt like things were good and it was my town. I felt like throwing a party in the middle of main street. This vibe of positivity didn’t end there. Not 2 minutes after the tall guy said what’s up to me the cars in the street stopped for a red light at the intersection. “YO JAY!” I heard a guys voice yell from a car that was waiting at the light. An old friend from high school recognized me and we started talking a bit. He asked if I needed a ride. I definitely looked like I was homeless or something. You can’t walk around late at night in cargo shorts and a Hanes T-shirt anymore and have people NOT think you are homeless. It’s a crime! I told him I was actually intentionally out walking and enjoying the night. He was telling me how he had National Guard duty early the next morning. We ended the conversation and I continued home. It crossed my mind how different it is walking through Times Square than where I just was. There was no hustle and bustle, no horns honking, no nasty odors, but I did have 3 people say hello to me. There were no flashy lights which I do enjoy, but I didn’t have someone hastling me for money or standing on a bucket preaching their good word to me. That’s pretty damn good if you ask me. I was able to take a leisurely stroll with no worries. I’m sure I’d be able to do that in say, San Diego, or Orlando, or anywhere else for that matter, but why? I’m already here. I’ve always been here. And, there’s like 6 convenience stores within walking distance! Let’s face it maybe I was embellishing but I in no way feel like shouting “I love this town!” like Ernie Hudson did in Ghostbusters, but I guess it’s a pretty damn good place.

American Gladiators re-runs!

Maybe I’m about a month behind, but this morning I discovered that American Gladiators is re-running on ESPN Classic. If there was ever a momentous occasion this is one of them. I used to watch that show religiously until the point that I realized maybe I should get my lazy ass up and stop watching these ultra athletic people and actually whip myself into shape. That didn’t last long until I found out about the American Gladiators video game for Sega. That game was as much fun as watching the show! During the hot summer vacation one year I must’ve played that game every day. I always felt that it would be awesome to take part in that show because the events are so cool. They are obviously more challenging than they seem on TV but those guys made it look easy. Why not re-build Gladiator arena at Universal Studios where it was fillmed? People can go in and watch like it was a real show sort of how they do Who Wants to be a Millionaire in MGM. I’m down for it…and I’m sure Nitro and Laser aren’t busy!

Memorial Day Recap

Many of you had big plans for Memorial Day weekend. I know alot of you were getting obliterated, barbecuing, and socializing. My weekend didn’t involve any of that but I’ll run down some of the high points for you.

I’ve been waiting in great anticipation for Thursday at 8:00 pm to go to see Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. I was so excited for it that I had my advance tickets on Tuesday! I headed over to the AMC theater in New Brunswick without even eating dinner. I was too pumped. I could care less about bad reviews or box office take, this movie was awesome. Some say it’s too long or too confusing but if you’re a fan of the series and you love the characters then you will be treated to an exciting, epic adventure.

Saturday I had a beer with a friend at Hooters of Union, N.J. and then watched the Spurs game.

Sunday was a trip down to Atlantic City to see Gwen Stefani at the Borgata. Just as we were approaching the end of the A.C expressway there was a 10-car accident that was blocking all of the lanes. I wasn’t about to sit and wait three hours for the cops and the ambulances to come and get it squared away. Some of the crafty drivers who were stopped in traffic realized that they could creep through a tight spot on the right shoulder and pass through the mess. Only five or six cars were brave enough to sneak through and I was one of them. Shit, Gwen Stefani was only a mile away!

I was hungry as hell and I knew that they opened a Fatbuger at the downstairs food court at the Borgata. I never tasted a Fatbuger before and I was curious to see what all the hype was about. Eve since I was 6 years old I wondered what the Beastie Boys were referring to in their song “The New Style,” and now I know. I ordered the original Fatburger (w/no onions) with Fries and a Coke which is the way a burger should be served! It was definitely a “tasty burger” as Jules said in Pulp Fiction but it wasn’t too different than a burger from Johnny Rockets. It was definitely enjoyable though.

Before heading to the event center for the show I made a stop at one of the Borgata’s luxurious bathrooms. If you ever have to take a trip to the bathroom and you are like me and you hate shitting in a public restroom – the BORGATA is the place to do it. The best part is that there are literally 30 urinals and like 20 stalls. This isn’t normal by any means. With the amount of bathrooms in the place I don’t think any one bathroom would ever be filled to the max. That means a helluva lot of people need to shit at the same time, that would be uncanny. This is a bathroom sent from Heaven. This is most likely the way the public restrooms are up there after you enter the gates and you have to pee really bad you make a right and there you are at the Borgata bathroom. Who would’ve thunk that a bathroom in New Jersey would be so awesome!

I spent some time at the TOP GUN SLOT MACHINE! While this may not be as cool as the Star Wars slots it’s a very close second. The seat your in vibrates and makes noise while the F-14 does a fly-by onscreen. The bonus game is pretty cool because it lets you attempt to fly into the
bonus number you would like. The only downside is that it plays a cheesy cover version of “Danger Zone” instead of the original by Kenny Loggins.

Gwen Stefani put on a fantastic show as usual. The wait time and standing through the horrid Lady Sovereign was tough but I made it through.

Choke on this:

Some crazy fat woman in the audience on RAW just yelled “I hope you choke on your own asshole” to Carlito after he annihilated Ric Flair. How does one choke on his or her own asshole? She must’ve felt very passionate about Ric Flair not getting his ass kicked. McMahon should just let this crazy fat woman fight Carlito in the next PPV. I think that would be way better than the stuff they’ve been doing. It’s pretty sad when getting a peek at Mickie James’ thong that’s 3 sizes too small is the highlight of their show. Hey, Melina’s thong ain’t so bad either! They’ve come a long way from Bertha Faye vs. Bull Nakano. On the other hand, not much has changed since Cena beat Khali at Judgement day on Sunday in a very similar manner to his win against Umaga a few months ago. You know what would be a great match? The Great Khali vs. Giant Gonzalez and you might as well throw Bastion Booger into the fray come to think of it. He could be the special guest referee.

To Your Health!

An article I read yesterday claims that taking multi-vitamins can cause prostate cancer. Well whaddya know? A supplement that was supposedly meant to improve our health is now detrimental to us? Next thing you know we’ll probably be told to immediately cease the ingestion of water into our bodies because it’s toxic or something. “This just in, STOP DRINKING WATER!” NO WAIT…DRINK MORE WATER! It’s the healthiest thing for your body! All of these contradictory health reports are enough to make your eyes cross. Everyday in the news there is another claim about what you should or shouldn’t do in order to maintain your health. With all of these conflicting stories there seems to be no right or wrong answer. The best bet is to keep a good balance and not to drive yourself crazy reading and watching every bit of news regarding your health. While you might save yourself in one way by learning about something you should cut back on, you’ll be making yourself paranoid in the process and deteioriorating the one thing that you need more than anything…YOUR MIND!
As an example, I was always curious about the health benefits of beer. Some articles will tell you it’s excellent for your body to have beer occasionally because of the B vitamins and the positive effect it has on your blood pressure and heart. Another article will tell you that the alcohol will help trigger cancer and the carbohydrates will give you a big fat pot belly. Wine has always been touted for it’s antioxidants although it’s extremely high in sugar. What’s the deal? Can we live? I don’t even want to hear what they say about Kool-Aid. Are there no pleasures in life anymore? There is a light at the end of the tunnel! Frequent masturbation may ward off prostate cancer, although I hear it also causes vision impairment.

The Soprano’s Score a Soda

I have to admit I’m almost getting that same feeling as I had leading up to the release of Revenge of the Sith. For a Star Wars fan to disclose that kind of info to the public is pretty huge because that feeling doesn’t come around that many times in life. It’s the same type of excitement anyone can experience for something they are really looking forward to beyond description. Usually when I’m anticipating an event I feel pretty good vibes leading up to it. So having this cold bottle of amaretto flavored Soprano’s Italian Soda only creates more fervor inside of me.
I don’t think marketing “Italian” Sodas with the Soprano’s logo is extreme at all. I think it came at a perfect time. If items like this came during an earlier season of the show the novelty would have watered down the shows quality. Just this past year we saw the release of the Soprano’s video game and a slew of other stuff. These things really just make me more anxious and make the year long wait time in between seasons more grueling when it should be whetting my palate. Even though I’m super excited, I’m still very sad to see it go. For six seasons The Soprano’s has been the most well done show out of any program on broadcast television or cable.
Even though it shows a darker side of the state I feel that The Sopranos is proud of the great state of New Jersey and embraces it much like we do here at The Sexy Armpit. Make fun of N.J all you want, but we can say this classic show belongs to us!

Butch + Stone Pony = Good Time

After having minor surgery to my lower back on Monday April 2nd I hopped onto the Garden State Parkway and headed south. It was time to go to the Stone Pony for the Butch Walker and the Let’s-Go-Out-Tonites show. It was a cold, foggy night down the shore but I had a feeling what was in store for me in the next few hours. That special Asbury feeling was present although it’s weird to see half the town under construction. I actually prefer the dilapidated buildings and ruins because it reminds me of Jersey’s version of ancient Rome. I admit that I do look forward to the day that Asbury Park regains it’s prominence.
As always there were annoying people I overheard on line who were discussing that Butch somehow has done special shows only for them and how much they love Butch because they liked him for X amount of years, and they saw him X amount of times. Oh man, it kills me to be on line with some of these people. They complained that the doors weren’t opened yet and it was too cold out. They even asked Butch if he can get them to open the doors as he stepped out of his tourbus for a minute to get a water. Leave the freakin‘ guy alone, Jeez! Is he the f’n doorman? Through the utter disgust I was experiencing, I kept in mind that Butch puts on an awesome show so I kept freezing my ass off waiting in line, being pelted with sporadic drops of rain, and standing through 2 opening acts…yeah that was all great.
The first opening act, Rocket, from L.A were actually pretty enjoyable. They are an all girl band that seemed like a mixture of The Go-Go’s, The Ramones, and The New York Dolls. They appear very youthful and had tons of energy. The lead singer, Lauren Rocket (all their last names are Rocket), equipped with a red keytar, seemed like a Lindsay Lohan on Courtney Love’s crack. Pretty cool stuff. The next band up was The Honorary Title who merely deserve the title of “honorary,” rather than an actual title. It took them like 9 hours to setup their equipment and do their sound check. They were bland and their music did not leave an impression on me. You can hear some emo, The Killers, and U2 influences in their music. Most of their set list was pretty slow and somber but I prefer upbeat.
Butch blasted through a ton of fan favorites from his Marvelous 3 days as well as a bunch of songs from his latest album, “The Rise and Fall of Butch Walker and the Let’s Go-Out-Tonites.” Butch apologized to the Stone Pony staff and to anyone else for seeming too cliche before ripping into a big mother cover of Bruce’s Born to Run. The place exploded for Butch and his ballistic assault of “Light’s Out” during the finale. Then he ran into the crowd and sparked the audience into a frenzy. Butch Walker turned a dreary, cold Monday in the ruins of Asbury Park, feel like a Friday night in a legendary shore town.