The State of the Armpit

Posted on by sexyarmpit

Promises, Promises. I’m usually the kind of guy who won’t make a promise unless I can keep it. In this case it’s about the website “TheSexyArmpit.com”. I kept saying I would update and throw up some new podcasts. Alot of you are probably wondering what the hell happened to all of that. Well – here it is: I don’t have the time. I know it sounds lame but I really don’t. It’s unfortunate but the “real world” has kinda snuck up on me. I’m still the whacked out guy I’ve always been, but now I just have lots of bills to pay. So unless I get my next 400 paychecks by tomorrow afternoon the website form of “TheSexyArmpit.com” will cease to exist.

I know you’re all bummed. But think about it, what’s more friggin’ hip than a blog? lol. I don’t know about you but I’m so sick of MySpace so this is the way I’ll be doing it from now on. At least until some huge company comes to me and says we want to sponsor your site and make it the most visited sight on the internet. Well that ain’t happening any time soon so I decided to go with a blog. It’s nice and easy and it’ll concentrate on any warped thoughts that I have that desperately need to escape from my brain.

As for the podcast – I’d still like to do it and I haven’t counted it out. But it seems that I won’t have a way to present it without a website unless I use ITunes. SO that’s not impossible.

Another thing stacked against the site was the fact that we (Steve and Myself) couldn’t get any loyal staff members to be part of the team. It was like we were the black plague. I see plenty of sites that have staff of 11 or 12 people who take on different jobs such as reviewer/advertiser. We couldn’t get ANYONE let alone someone who could take on a specific job. Even Steve crapped out. I guess life just gets in the way. But I’m still committed to having something up on the internet. So that’s where I’m at now. The lone blogger. Fuck off…I carry silver bullets.

www.SexyArmpit.com

SOUND OFF ON SILENT BALL!!!

Posted on by sexyarmpit

ARE YOU READY?
I SAID ARE YOU READY?
FOR THE THOUSANDS OF CRAZY BLOODY BLOGGING FUCKERS OUT THERE……
LET’S GET READY TO READ JAY’S BLOG!!!

Here’s some of that pre-blog…the stuff that the clinic warns you about so you better rubber up now…
First- is Myspace a province of Cyberspace? Or are they totally different territories? Is it fair to say that if The Sexy Armpit invaded Myspace that they invaded your space, and his space, and even her space? Or did we just invade our own space? What about that crawl space? I think we missed that one. Now there’s a fucking mind boggler. Does the information superhighway run through Myspace and Cyberspace? I hope it’s nothing like 287.
——————————————
If you watched Dancing with the Stars last night: Who does the mambo to a weak rendition of a Kriss Kross song?? That was beyond awful. And it’s obvious Shanna is banging her dancer partner and that is why Travis left her. He found condoms from her bang-tango session with her friggin dance partner. Good for Travis…he’s a killer drummer and now he was caught making out with Paris Hilton. Good for him. At least we know what happened when they went back to the hotel room. They practiced calculus equations just cause she felt like brushing up….
——————————————-
The good people here at The Sexy Armpit.com have uncovered a mystery of sorts. Do you know how much of the population is not familiar with Silent Ball? Fucking SILENT BALL!! We’re not talking about the friggin’ Necronomicon or Sal’s pet Cthulu here…we’re friggin talking about SILENT BALL. After an extensive poll of a cross section of male and female participants whose ages ranged from 20 – 27, we have deduced that a large percentage of people, some legal citizens, some not….have not had the pleasure of playing in a game of SILENT BALL nor are they acquainted with the joys of what this stellar game is all about. C’MON PEOPLE!
After this extensive poll we were told that SILENT BALL was only for losers from Central Jersey. To them I say F-OFF! These are probably the same people who didn’t take part in hacky sack or quarter basketball/hockey during lunch. What about making a football out of folded paper and doing the old field goal kicking practice? Not down with that either? Bumper pool? What did you people do? 7up? Red Rover?
And now, the grand finale: PUNCH BALL KICK BALL. IF you never played that you are out of your f’n minds and I don’t want to talk to any of you anymore. Excuse me ….I’m going to listen to Cinderella…

www.SexyArmpit.com

Don’t bite your fork! and other gripes

Posted on by sexyarmpit

I can’t stand when people say “LITCHerally” instead of “LITerally.” That bothers the shit out of me.

Oh yeah, and don’t bite your fork when you’re eating…it’s like nails on a chalkboard.

And don’t slurp your coffee or soup…wait til it’s cooled off a bit.

How come grapefruits are so different than grapes?

I need answers.

And why do I have to work on Monday? That friggin sucks…as long as I have Debarge to rock me to work…

www.SexyArmpit.com

An ashel after breakfast

Posted on by sexyarmpit

Turning to more 80’s news…
Most of the local people have been to The Breakfast Club. It’s an 80’s club where the music that pumps usually leans toward the 90’s for some reason. I figured out a way to make this place way cooler – 1) Stop playing shit like the Counting Crows and Dave Matthews Band and 2) Make the dance floor tiles light up like in the Billie Jean video. Then the place would rock. You know what? If you really want to live in the 80’s for a few hours, skip the BC altogether and just watch American Psycho.

And now turning to the “I don’t care that I’m in my mid twenties and still watch professional wrestling…and if you ain’t down with that…I got 2 words for ya…SUCK IT” news
Finally the WWE is bringing back their original WWE magazine. I was damn sick of the seperate RAW, and Smackdown versions of the publication. Streamlining makes me happy. I don’t give a rats ass that Vince McMahon made up the word “ashel.” I personally think it’s one of the best words ever invented. In fact I’ve actually had 4 or 5 ashels already since I heard the word.

The latest in Jay’s morning Breakfast cereal news…
I’ve purchased EGGO waffle cereal…mainly because I could get the cool Pirates of the Caribbean SKULL STROBE. That sounds so badass. I think I gave my girlfriend the SKULL STROBE the other night. Anyway – the cereal is kind of disappointing. Not as Eggo waffley as I thought. Kinda reminds me of Honey Comb but with a maple syrup flava. I would stick to the Superman Crunch this month.

CORRECTION 6/30/06
I have to append my spelling of “Ashel”….Steve has just informed me that it would be spelled “Asscial” instead. I really don’t give a rat’s ass what he thinks but he’s probably right.

www.SexyArmpit.com

I like my milk BLUE, bitch…

Posted on by sexyarmpit

How come I seem to be the only person on earth totally pumped that there exists Superman Capn’ Crunch? I bought it about a week ago without hesitation. It’s awesome. It turns the milk blue. Anything that will give me blue milk like Aunt Beru was pouring in A New Hope is definitely for me. While I’m at it, I have to commend the Capn’ Crunch line of breakfast cereal, it’s always came through for me. Having a Superman tie-in makes it even cooler. With all the early feedback surrounding the movie being positive it just freakin’ pumps me up.

www.SexyArmpit.com

Fruit Loop Award Ceremony

Posted on by sexyarmpit

I’ve consumed 10 bowls of Fruit Loops this week. For this I will be awarded an actual Loop of Golden Fruit in a “New Hope-like” ceremony. This prestigious award is made of real fruit that have been glazed in pure 24 karat gold and it will be placed around my neck by the Grandmaster Toucan Sam before a live studio audience. How much do I rock? I was as surprised to hear the news as you are. I didn’t know I was eligible for such a great honor like this. Now I’m thinking I can start downing Fruity Pebbles (like I used to binge on) then I’ll be able to just chill in Bedrock all day. I’m sure Pebbles is all growns up by now…

www.SexyArmpit.com

Earring Discrimination

Posted on by sexyarmpit

I was firing everyone up in the “office” yesterday with my Farrakhan-like rant. But it wasn’t about anything religous. It was about guys being aloud to wear earrings in the workplace. I was told that I couldn’t wear earrings to work and I think it’s bullshit. My point is that all the women are aloud to wear them. Gay guys are aloud to wear them. Somehow, I can’t get away with it.

It’s not like I wear big-ass pirate earrings or big round circles seperating my earlobes. I wear f’n normal earrings. I don’t have the top or sides of my ears pierced, only the lobes. I made a big contraversey about it. Everyone seemed to agree. But that may only be because there was fire and brimstone swirling around me as the veins bulged out of my neck and head. What would be the difference if a women felt like dressing in a man’s clothes for the day? People might talk about her, but I doubt they would tell her to never wear men’s clothes again. Bitches can get away with anything. I guess if you complain enough that you don’t have any rights then you get all the rights and then some. I can’t even wear earrings and I think that is sexist.

Regardless of looking professional it’s obvious that if a woman can wear earrings then a man should be able to as well. Earrings on a guy is not like makeup on a guy. If I came in with eyeliner and lipstick, then it would prove to be a distraction and I think it would be necessary for the bosses to tell me to shape up. But earrings? Guys have been wearing earrings for the entire time I’ve lived on the planet. (Not to mention the pirate times of course)

www.SexyArmpit.com

A bird shit on my jalopy

Posted on by sexyarmpit

First- My word of the week: JALOPY

You know that some car company is gonna come out with one. Some sarcastic car company will
use it in their “too clever for words” advertising scheme. I could see a company using against another. Why go out and buy the ’06 Buick Jalopy when you can afford a trendy new Infinity XG88TK421 special edition model that starts only at around $147,000. Jalopy is a cool mf’n word.

What a resounding response frome the G-String Blog!
Not only were those responses plenty but great in substance. It makes a man proud! I’m realizing that many girls I’ve asked actually have them and wear them alot. I guess some of the girls that I have been in contact with just didn’t seem to wear them and many said they were uncomfortable/annoying. I still think it’s open to debate.

A week or two ago I was about to get my clothes on for work. I put my pants on and realized that the button above the zipper was gone. This is an instance where I was in a state of total disbelief. These few moments were full of worry, anger, and skepticism. It’s funny how for those few seconds my mind was saying “This can’t possibly happen.” I was focusing more on the fact that a button has never came off any pair of pants that I’ve owned EVER. So I figured the chances of this happening were slim. I was wrong. My mind was in shock as to why nature would do something this cruel to me as I was about to leave for work. I was unprepared for an event of such diabolical proportions. What if I didn’t have another pair of pants on hand? What if I had a pair and they weren’t cleaned? I’d be up the creek. I would need to go to the pants store. Honestly, how many times have you slipped into your old ratty jeans that you’ve had for a million years only to notice that the button was missing? That never happens. I have a better chance of being sprayed by a skunk while jogging in a lime green spandex jumpsuit and listening to “Escape (The Pina Colada Song)” by Rupert Holmes on my Ipod. That shit never comes up on shuffle mode.

—-I forgot to mention this. I figured I’d throw it in like a DVD special feature. Christmas morning I was getting gifts out of my car in my girlfriend’s driveway and after I pulled a bag out and a few packages I turned my head for a second and heard SPLAT! I looked back at my car and there was HUGE dumping of bird shit on my car window. I have never been so close to a bird shitting site ever. It always seems so distant. I was so close to being shit on by a bird. This bird must have been to China Buffet before he pinched that one out. My God. Thankfully it didn’t get on me or I would cry like a little girl and then throw myself in the creek and roll around until I drowned myself. That is another thing – how come almost everyone I know has been shit on by a bird? Guys and girls that I’ve spoken to claim that it’s happened to them. WTF? I’m not saying I want to join the bird shittees club or anything but I do feel that perhaps what they say is right. “IT’S GOOD LUCK.” How many times have I heard that? Is that just them rationalizing their horribly gross experience? Who knows. All I know is that I’m going to the bathroom to vomit right now. No no…I’ll hold it in and then when I see a bird outside I’ll blow my chunks all over it. How would they like it? Dumb birds.

www.SexyArmpit.com

The Case of the Perplexing G-String

Posted on by sexyarmpit

This one is “just a quickie” (no pun intended) Yeah right, that is impossible. As I sit in front of the computer I have a tissue stuck up my nose and I’m smoking my fake cigarette. This has been perplexing me for a while now so I needed to get in the mood. Since I started school this past semester in September of ’05 and ended a couple of weeks ago, I realized something about the girls at Kean. There seem to be many girls on that campus who wear G-Strings. I would sit in class and certain girls would waltz in and sit down in the rows in front of me and as they sat down I couldn’t help but see their backside where their G-strings would rise out of their pants and way up to their lower back. These weren’t normal G-Strings either. These had rhinestones, some had frilly doily patterns. Where the hell have I been? Personally, I’ve never been with a girl sexually who ever wore a G-string in my prescence.

I find this contradictory to what I had previously believed. I was under the impression that the majority of girls especially those in college wore THONGS. Am I living in the past? Are the days of Sisquo gone? To be honest – HBO comes to mind…”G-String Divas.” Is this show still on? Do they still make new episodes? I have never even seen it, I just know that they always used to show commercials for it relentlessly. Do you think that this show has anything to do with the upsurge in G-String wearing? Obviously our TV habits have an effect on our lifestyle. But I’m not sure in this case.

TO THE FEMALES READING THIS:

DO YOU OWN A G-STRING?

WOULD YOU WEAR IT ON A NORMAL DAY TO CLASS?

Would you wear it on an everyday basis? Like going to the bank? Is this a little odd? This may be a small percentage of girls. Perhaps I’m losing touch with the youth. After all, girls are having sex waay early at like…age 8 now. Personally, I just think a thong or regular underwear is fine young or old. I think jumping to the G-String definitely means SEX. Once you have that on you are hiking it up a few octaves. I just don’t think its necessary especially when a few of the G-Strings in question were seen popping up from girls jeans. Why do you need to wear one with jeans? I can see if it was a tight skirt, dress, spandex pants…whatever. I can see if you are on a beach in Brazil and everyone has one on. I can see you wearing one if you are Paul Stanley. I can see you wearing one if your butt crack needs a good flossing.

I just don’t know that if I was a girl if I would wear one to a school or work environment unless there was a reason. I can see if you are trying to turn on a co-worker or boss. I can see it if you slept at a boyfriends house and you dressed really sexy for him and then you realized you were late for class and had no time to put regular underwear on or even a thong then you just hightailed it to Kean for your Global History of Skankiness 101 class that you never study for cause you’ve aced all the tests. Maybe it’s extra points for the G-String. I sometimes sat there believing that these girls had a pole in their house and they would wake up twirl around it a few times in their G-String and slide down it and then once they hit the botttom floor their clothes would miraculously appear on them like Batman in the 60’s TV series. They slid down as Bruce and Dick (that sounded so dirty) and then appeared in the Batcave at the end of their poles (dirty again) as Batman and Robin. Frankly that was amazing. Who gives a fuck about G-Strings. I want a fucking Batpole so I don’t have to actually get changed in the morning. And what the hell does the G stand for in G-String? Am I missing something? Gyno? Gash?

www.SexyArmpit.com