Blue lights on the trees?

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There was a great commercial that aired during the kickass episode of Heroes on Monday. I must give props to Cingular and Motorola who produced an homage of A Christmas Story to promote their latest phone deal.

I find it quite amazing that A Charlie Brown Christmas is already airing on television right at this second on ABC. What’s even nuttier is that the Christmas Tree lighting in Rockefeller Center seems like it’s being scheduled earlier and earlier each year. Next thing you know, Halloween will be cancelled and replaced by a new holiday called “Countdown to Christmas.”

Tomorrow is the tree lighting and to me it’s pretty exciting. I’m looking forward to going to see the tree because it’s one of the last real traditions we have in the tri-state area. Traditions are awesome and make Christmas one of the most highly anticipated holidays. From the holiday music to the classic movies, it’s fun to relive them each year. Even though the holiday season has the most anticipation of any tradition, (next to the Super Bowl of course!) the more miniscule ones are still important. To many people, watching Monday Night Football (or Raw in my case) is one of the feelings that makes living life so awesome. If you don’t have traditions in your life, I recommend starting a brand new one up and then see if you can make it catch on with other people. Oh wait, George Costanza’s father tried that on Seinfeld (fesitvus) and Seth tried to on The O.C (Chrismakuh) and they both didn’t work out. It’s worth a shot anyway. I’ve always wanted to make a horror movie night with some friends where we all got together and watched a different horror movie every week or so. To me that is a great tradition.

Finally, it’s important to note that the town has decorated the trees on Main St. They put these weird blueish/purple lights on the trees! Usually red and green is more festive, or even colorless lights are better. I can’t get into lavendar, it’s not traditional enough dammit! Even silver and gold would be better.

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A Very Vital Billy Idol Christmas

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How the Pam Anderson/Kid Rock split is at the top of all the news updates is beyond me. At this point I’m curious to know who still cares about that storyline unless you are a hardcore Kid Rock or Pam Anderson fan. (who are you people???)

Now onto what should be at the forefront of the news, my recent purchases.

First, I was in the grocery store to get a cold beverage because I was parched. There I found the always satisfying Vitamin Water. Keep in mind that I have tasted every flavor that has existed except the one that I found on Friday. Vital-T is supposed to taste like Lemon Iced Tea, but it unfortunately tastes like Pledge, or Pine Sol. It’s really awful in comparison with the other flavors. The great part of Vitamin Water is that unlike other beverages it’s low in sugar, has vitamins, and a light feel to it. This Vital-T had a syrupy aftertaste and it just wasn’t all that refreshing. You can try it for yourself and let me know what you think.

My second purchase was the pièce de resistance. And no, it wasn’t a portable DVD player for $13 dollars. Why are they still such a hot commodity? While some people were clamoring for the sales on the big ticket items and the sought after stuff like PS3 and Wii, I’m always keeping an eye out for that little known gem of an item. One that will make my eyes glow and make me belt out Fah who for-aze! Dah who dor-aze! Welcome Christmas, Come this way! Ok well, I didn’t quite sing in the middle of Best Buy but I pretty much geeked out when my eyes locked on this cd like Maverick can lock a mig 28. The cover of the CD had a picture of a very familiar bleach blonde rocker. And no, I didn’t geek out for “Poison your Egg Nogg: A VERY Bret Michaelsy Christmas.” It was one of the most badass rockers from my childhood…BILLY IDOL! It was none other than the “Billy Idol, Happy Holidays” CD! I couldn’t believe what I saw because I usually never let stuff like that slip by my radar but for some reason I hadn’t heard about this one. I’m sure it will become a perennial favorite like his “Yellin’ at the Christmas Tree” track from Devil’s Playground. On New Year’s Eve if you listen closely you may be able to hear the faint tones of “Auld Lang Syne” coming from my Ipod sung by the one and only BILLY IDOL!

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Black Friday Parking Lot Brawl

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Black Friday was completely insane. If you never gone out to shop on Black Friday, everything you’ve ever heard about the shopping blitz is true. There’s the sales, the lines forming at 2am, and the crowds rushing into the stores at 5am, but you rarely hear about the battles for parking spaces. I walked over to Woodbridge Center just for shits and giggles and I made my way through the parking lot of Dick’s Sporting Goods. As I weaved through the cars, I overheard what could have become an all out parking lot brawl just a few feet to my left.

GUY #1: “I can’t believe you just cut right in front of me!”
GUY #2: “Oh go fuck yourself!”

No joke, I started to laugh at these two guys because of the preposterous situation that they were in. The Woodbridge Center Mall has about 3,500 EXTRA parking spaces that never get used unless it’s Black Friday. Any other day these two guys would have had their choice but because everyone decides to rush out all at once so they could get their hands on a heavily discounted cutlery set at Macy’s they get into a fight because of a parking spot. This is so lame. I am the first guy to admit that I have a short fuse but America has to check itself into this new 12-step program called CALM THE FUCK DOWN. Really, I attribute my short temper to the fact that we all need one as a defense mechanism nowadays. You never know when someone around you will snap and go ballistic. These two guys need to take a deep breath, step out of the situation and realize that they’ll probably be in the ground in no time if they keep getting so up in arms about stupid shit like shopping. But nothing ever changes during the Holidays, which is the exact time of year that people are supposed to be nice to one another. Isn’t that ironic? I’m going to make it a point to start calming down so I don’t contribute to the ticking time bomb that is our country. It is interesting to note that they both were in their cars. The way I see it, cars and driving give this world a lot of unnecessary stress.

On the stress free side of this Thanksgiving weekend, I managed to make a couple of purchases that were worth noting. More on that next time…

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Bringin’ Barbarian Back…

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I hope everyone’s Thanksgiving was awesome.

Usually I’m not a big fan of the types of food that Thanksgiving offers. This year though I was really overwhelmed by how great the food was. This is nothing against any of the cooks of the households, it’s due to my lack of love for the typical fare such as turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes, etc. I wound up eating a whole lot of food this year unlike previous years. Eating Thanksgiving dinner at 2 different places is definitely challenging. If you don’t pace yourself properly you can wind up on the floor with mashed potatoes drooling out of your mouth. I didn’t even have room for much dessert save for the excellent cream cheese squares. The highlight of the day was watching my girlfriend’s brother-in-law eat about 37 lbs. of turkey and the bones to go with it. I guess he likes to bring back the barbarian times.

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Jumping the Purple Turkey

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The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is supposed to feature Prince this year. Is this ok with everyone? I’m sure not all of you are as big a Prince fan as I am but don’t you think this is a bit odd? After he performed on American Idol last season I thought it was just a cool thing he did. Prince knocked Idol saying he hated the show and had no intention of ever being on it. Then he shows up at the last minute, performs his latest single and gets the hell off the show.

Perhaps Prince is “Jumping the Turkey” instead of the shark. Will Prince be performing on a float with a bunch of dancers dressed as Purple Pilgrims? I’m not sure that “Black Sweat” his latest track is made for the Thanksgiving morning tradition. Prince might wind up actually fucking a Turkey on the float. I’m interested in watching this because his appearance seems kinda weird unless he performs a remake of the Golden Girls theme song. We’ll see what happens in just a few short days. Typically I get bored out of my mind watching all the silly bands and other nonsense that doesn’t hold my attention. Just bring out Santa already!

I think this year they should have a float of Satan’s Little Helper and an actual Root Beer Float sponsored by A & W. That would kick ass. It could be interactive if you are lined up on the street because then it would spray random squirts of Root Beer at everyone. Once again, that’s kickass.

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Honeymooning with Tomkat and Taco Bell Cuisine

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As Tom and Katie (I refuse to call them Tomkat) get ready for their honeymoon, I am getting ready to straighten up my room. It’s nowhere near as exciting as what they’ll probably be doing. Hell, maybe just to spice my day up I’ll hop up on my bed and start clenching my fists in a manner of sheer joy. I’ll pretend I’m on a talk show and I need to let everyone know how happy I am that I have to do laundry and organize all the shit in my room. That’s reason to celebrate.

Last night I had Taco Bell for dinner. And NO, I didn’t “run for the border,” I just went to Taco Bell. I’m sure Tomkat (ok, it’s easier) would laugh at the fact that a peon like me would eat trash like Taco Bell for a meal. I’ll tell you something, it was really fucking good. It was abnormally good as a matter of fact. I had a chalupa and bunch of other nonsense. What brought it all together was the Mountain Dew Baja Blast. I’ve had this many times before but this time it was so refreshing and I’m not sure why it seemed so much better. It tingled my senses. I hope I don’t get addicted to Taco Bell because then I’ll get fat and I’ll need to start going to Subway to lose weight.

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What NOT to EAT for Breakfast at ANY time especially when you’re at WORK!!!

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Yesterday at work we clearly established that there is one food that you should NEVER eat for breakfast. It’s gone unsaid until now, but it’s a food that is not considered a breakfast food by any means. There’s never been Fish flavored Pop-Tarts, Fish flavored breakfast cereals, or Fish Frosty’s. Perhaps there may have been Fish danishes, I’m not sure. But to my knowledge no one eats it for breakfast nor has anyone ever attempted it, until now of course. As I sat checking my e-mail I noticed a peculiar odor wafting my way. Other people smelled it as well. Eventually our financial analyst, who was sitting in the back of the room, (almost as if she didn’t want anyone realizing what she was doing) admitted to eating leftover fish that she brought in for breakfast in a little tupperware. That’s where today’s story ends.

Please don’t eat fish for breakfast.

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Pilgrimage to the store on the Black Friday before Survivor Series

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It’s pretty crazy that Thanksgiving is just about a week away. I know it’s been said a million times before but Thanksgiving is really just an afterthought. I feel bad for the Holiday. When I was a kid there was so much more meaning to Thanksgiving. It stood on its own more than it does now. It had more personality. Nowadays it seems that the capitalism and the Christmas holiday have stole some of Thanksgiving’s thunder. What a shame! I’ve been seeing Christmas commercials for weeks now. The day after Thanksgiving we are officially in the Christmas season, they won’t let you wait til you digest your freakin 20 lb. turkey! I remember the days of making pilgrim hats out of cardboard in school, and learning about crops that Native Americans cultivated, and of course WATCHING SURVIVOR SERIES!!!

Yes, the WWE (then WWF) and Thanksgiving used to go hand in hand. They had a steady relationship for many years when I was growing up. The Survivor Series was known as the “Thanksgiving Tradition.” It was pretty cool because none of the Pay Per View events were associated with a Holiday on a consistent basis. This gave us fans double the reason to look forward to November. To build up the excitement, each week they ran the Survivor Series Report which kept us updated on the card and what new matches would take place. The anticipation was ridiculous especially when you are young kid. It was so much fun to have the WWE event and the big family gathering to look forward to each year. They just don’t do it like they used to. This year Thanksgiving is on Thursday and Survivor Series isn’t until Sunday. I can’t stand that the PPV’s are on Sundays, I’d much rather Friday or Saturday. I guess they figure people are more apt to watch TV then go out on a Sunday night. Regardless, the Thanksgiving Holiday needs to MAN UP! I’m looking forward to the event either way.

Remember people – you have 24 hours on November 23rd to give thanks. Once it hits the 24th your window of opportunity to offer your thanks is done so make it count. If you really want to thank Beyonce for being your inspirational leader then by all means do so but don’t forget that if you keep wasting time thanking people you might not be able to make it to the stores on Black Friday at 3 AM for the crazy insane sales. Don’t be shutout.

I mean these savings are out of this world. Forget 3 AM, be there at midnight. You’ll get $3 DVD players and it’ll come with a free couch. You’ll wait on line for 7 hours and 2 people will get their hands on the coveted PS3 even though everyone on line had a ticket. Somewhere when you lost feeling in your face because of the frigid cold you missed the store associate yelling out that they only had 2 PS3 units to sell. Then of course you need to buy that new ironing board because they’re throwing in a free meat and cheese set and Aunty Helen really loves that shit. At one of the stores you can get an entertainment center with a free surround sound system AND they’ll pay off the rest of your mortgage. I hear even Quick Check and Hess Express are blowing out boxes of cigarettes for half off so you can stuff people’s stockings. This year the bigger stores are even setting up a ring in the middle of the stores so the customers can solve all of their fighting and bickering about who got the last dinosapien. Fran from Old Bridge said she had her pinky on the box before Lee-Ann from Staten Island ripped it from her clutches so little Giacomo can have a swell Christmas this year.
FRAN: “My son loves the robo dinasours, he’s crazy about them.”
Lee-Ann: “Fuck him, yaw a fuckin’ whooore… the DINOSAPIEN IS MINE BITCH, let’s solve this in the ring, matta a fact it’s now the fuckin’ Surviva Series.”
Fuck all these stores and the freaks that go out on Black Friday. Stay home and sleep you idiots!!!

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SPECIAL EDITION: Dreaming of Death on 287

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Last night I had a dream where I died. It wasn’t the typical “death dream” where you see yourself in a coffin at your own funeral. In this one I was still living here on earth as a spirit watching over how the situations of my life were changing without me. It was morbid and bizarre, but strangely cool. Today I thought of reasons why I might have had this type of dream. I’m sure it’s possible that I’m looking for ways out of certain facets of my life. But it’s more probable that my daily commute on 287 is to blame.

I think I must have a death wish. It’s purely a miracle I’m still alive. When I’m in that big 287 in the sky, (which is actually known as 280-Heaven) I know for a fact I won’t be driving a PT Cruiser or a Taurus. I actually drove in front of a PT Cruiser today that was labeled TOURING EDITION? WTF makes it a “Touring Edition?” If I’m about to tour the great highways of the United States I sure as hell ain’t gonna be choosing a PT Cruiser Touring Edition for my ride and I don’t care how much you pimp it. I also won’t be picking the defunct Taurus which for some reason I’ve seen the occasional black souped up Ford Taurus driving on 287 as of late. I can’t fathom this. Perhaps you’ve inherited your grandfather’s old beat up Taurus and you wanted to be Xhibit for the day. You soup it up and slap a paint job on it, but the fact of the matter is: You’re driving around in a mid 90’s low ridin’ FORD TAURUS!!! Oh yeah I forgot to throw in the 2 most special letters to the owner, SE. Special Edition, bitch! They will not let you live down that they own a special edition vehicle because it makes THEM feel special. For instance this conversation that I had at work the other day:

JAY: So Wally, what kind of car are you driving around lately?
TAURUS OWNER: A fuckin’ pimped out 1992 Ford Muthafuckin’ Taurus yo…Special Edition!
JAY: Ohhh fuck here we go with the friggin’ Special Edition bullshit. Does your Taurus come with a ton of extras and a ‘making of’ documentary? You know what Wally? Go fuck yourself and your Special Edition cause I know some guy Gary who has a mad phat TOURING EDITION PT CRUISER!!! Top that you freakin’ whacko.
TAURUS OWNER: Oh daaaammmn son, I don’t think I can top it. That’s pretty fucking killer shit, yo. I heard they are super rare! They are like mad dough son! Something like 14 g’s! Even if I sold my sleek special edition ride, I doubt I would have that kinda scratch!

SO back to the matter at hand. Occasionally a song comes on the Ipod in my car that even I might get embarrassed of having. I always wondered if I was to die in a car accident on 287 what song would be playing? I hope for some reason that it’s not NKOTB, but Hangin’ Tough is pretty badass to die to. They really put me in a trance with that Funky song. In all seriousness, here is a list of songs from my Ipod that I wouldn’t want to die to because
with the Ipod’s shuffle feature you never know what’s gonna pop up next. Fate could play a cruel joke. You never know when Gwen Stefani will decide to become a New Jersey State Trooper patrolling 287. Think of how turned off she might be if she found me all bloodied with my car smashed up and the ipod/radio still intact blasting Debarge’s “Rhythm of the Night”?? I wouldn’t want her thoughts of me to be that of a pansy ass guy who has Johnny Gill’s “Rub You the Right Way” on his Ipod.

Songs that I hope aren’t playing on my ipod if I ever die in a car accident on 287:
Among others… in no specific order

1) Out for the Count – Winger
2) Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go – Wham!
3) The Hustle – Van McCoy
4) Burn in Hell – Twisted Sister
5) Escape (The Pina Colada Song) – Rupert Holmes
6) Dancing in Heaven – Q- Feel (From the Girl’s Just Want to Have Fun Soundtrack)
7) Point of No Return – Nu Shooz
8) I’ll be There – Jimi Jamison (the Baywatch theme)
9) Candy – Mandy Moore
10) She Works Hard for the Money – Donna Summer
11) Butterfly – Crazy Town
12) Kyrie – Mr. Mister
13) Good Vibrations – Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch
14) The Neutron Dance – The Pointer Sisters
15) According to Our New Arrivals (Mr. Belvedere Theme) – Leon Redbone

Which songs would you NOT want playing during your 287 demise?

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