Jay’s Top 5 Christmas Gifts of 2006

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Merry Christmas To All!
This Christmas has come to an end but while I still have a couple of hours left let me give you the rundown of the top 5 gifts that I received this Christmas. Money and gift certificates were plentiful this year but allow me to tell you about the gifts that were a bit more interesting. There’s no doubt that I got a ton of awesome gifts, but these are just the most worthy of writing about.
Harvey Walden Exercise Video – What better way to get motivated to lose weight than from the guy who kicks people’s ass in Celebrity Fit club?
20 Questions Pop/Rock game – This is a handheld electronic game that tries to guess the artist, song, or album that you are thinking of by asking 20 questions. I beat it on the first try because I was thinking of Butch Walker. Apparently they forgot to add in the lead singer of “Freak of the Week.” Who are the programmers of this thing? Their answer was Jeff Tweedy, and to that we exclaimed “WHO THE HELL IS JEFF TWEEDY???!!!” I don’t know but I guess someone thinks he’s more popular than Butch. Fuck them!
Kiss Trivia Game – It comes in a cool Kiss collector tin. You know with a collector tin you can’t go wrong because even if the game sucks I can get rid of the game and keep shit in the tin.
DX window cling – Now my car can be adorned with the same DX logo that HBK and Triple H sprayed onto Titan Tower.
Captain Lou Albano Shirt – Yeah, I said it…a Captain Lou Albano Shirt. The original was impossible to find unless you want to spend over $100 on eBay. My girlfriend got her artistic sister to draw the sketch of the shirt and then had a t-shirt made of it. It was definitely the best, most creative gift I got this year. Who in all of Whoville got a Captain Lou Albano shirt for Christmas this year? That’s right – no one, and I’m sure it would’ve been easier for my gf to get me a box of rubber bands to tape to my cheek, but she had to go and get all creative!

Honorable mention goes to Raw Vs. Smack down ‘07 and Marvel Ultimate Alliance, this would be a tie because I’m equally as pumped for both. I competed against my girlfriend in Raw vs. Smackdown earlier this evening. I havent played any wrestling games for play station since about 2001and let me say that they’ve come a long way! The game play is easier and the graphics are amazing. (I wound up losing the match because I couldn’t figure out how to get back in the ring!)

I also wanted to take the opportunity to mention James Brown. I don’t know anyone who wasn’t a fan of the Godfather of Soul. He was performing all the way to the end. I got to see him last year when he was invited out to perform with the Black Eyed Peas at Madison Square Garden. The Garden went wild for him, and he turned in a kick-ass cameo. To say he will be missed by all is an understatement, R.I.P James Brown.

www.SexyArmpit.com

Saturday Night with ECPW

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A friend of mine invited me to go to a local wrestling event on Saturday. I can’t say that I was apprehensive because I am a big wrestling fan and I haven’t seen him in a while. We drove to the ECPW headquarters in Lake Hiawatha, N.J. Upon arrival we entered into the “backstage area” which houses a practice ring and all the guys are warming up there. I first thought that the ring I saw was the one we’d be witnessing the event in, and thankfully I was wrong. As we made our way to the actual event area, I noticed that it looked like a basement from the 70’s where random Kenner Star Wars toys should be strewn about. The concrete walls were painted black and one wall was spray painted with the word ADRENALINE in green. Spotlights were shining on the ring and there were families and girlfriends of the wrestlers in the audience. After seeing the guy with the DV cam, and being reminded by my friend, I realized it was a TV taping. This event was to air as several separate shows on public access. The show was introduced by Dave Cunningham, the capable ring announcer.

The wrestlers that came out were, of course, no match for the guys you see on WWE every Monday night, but they were on the right track. Some of the characterization needs more originality considering that they have a Canadian faction that appears frequently. The Canadian Outlaws are decent in the ring, but I think it’s an overdone gimmick. Kevin Apollo is the all American baby face who definitely needs to improve his mic skills but he kept my attention and he has good in ring ability. Surprisingly, the crowd roots for him even though he’s shameless about being “the nice guy.” I’m a fan even though he’d get eaten alive in WWE. Same goes for Jay Santana although his top notch ring skills overshadow his “Ariba” screams. Gil Quest is a stellar athlete with a great theme song : “You’re the Best” from the Karate Kid. It’s painfully obvious that Playboy Marcus Shields stole his gimmick from the Rock. It’s also pretty apparent that Vincent Valentine is one of the more talented on the roster. He’s a great talker and he’s definitely effective as a heel in the Army of Darkness. I kept calling the other member of the army Maxx Payne and Man Mountain Rock because that’s how he looked regardless that his name is Legion. The Hot Shot Mike Reed looks like a cross between Kip James (The Ass Man) and as my friend Steve said former Chicago Bear, Jim McMahon.

The tag champs The Owens were getting some negative feedback from the crowd, but they are a hard hitting tag team who remind of a young Hart Foundation minus the great technical skill of Bret. I really enjoyed the Jedi tag team (The Next Generation) who come to the ring wielding light sabers and when in need of a tag simply tell their partner to “use the force.” I’m not sure if they are being serious or not because it comes off hysterical.

The managers of ECPW are quite memorable. Padrone is an stereotypical Italian manager of the probably un-Italian Dan Mandini who’s no relation to the Mortal

Kombat/WuTang/Marijuana mark the Great Blazini. The Creeper, is just that, a little creepy guy who carries around a rubber rat. Leaving the building I even saw the pompous and arrogant manager Doug Devito get into his Cadillac while still puffing on his cigar.

Considering the production qualities aren’t the best the show was still fun. Watching a show like this brings me back to the basics. The focus isn’t on the owners daughter, or necrophilia, or running someone over with a Bigfoot truck. The focus is on wrestling, and the spectacle of having many different personalities team up in the squared circle to put on a show. The competitors showed that they were dedicated to the sport, they got most of their spots right, and they stayed in character. Run by wrestling veteran Gino Caruso, this wrestling organization reminds me of how WWE was when I was growing up. With time, and with their public access show, the ECPW is bound to take off like ECW did. Check them out at www.ECPW1.com, it’s a chance to see some future wrestling stars while they’re still accessible.

www.SexyArmpit.com

Walk of Shame

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I just received these questions in an anonymous e-mail so I figured I would answer them and be a little interactive:

1) Jay, is this really your entry for the day?
I’m not kidding, this really is my blog update
2) There’s no way that this picture is real.
Scout’s honor…this isn’t photoshopped.
3) Cut the crap, who’s the graphics wizard who made this ridiculous picture?
I actually took this photo myself at the Hard Rock in Las Vegas.
4) Jay, I just watched the commercial for it, do you think one
would really need rush delivery of Monster Ballads?
No, I don’t think anyone would ever need rush delivery of Monster Ballads
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Film Review: Rocky Balboa: 3 ½ armpits!

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Going into the theater to see Rocky Balboa, I had a feeling that I wasn’t going to be disappointed. There are so many people I know who have expressed their discontent with Stallone making another installment in his boxing saga. Call me crazy but how can you not like Rocky? I think people need to lighten the fuck up. There isn’t much to hold onto in this world so there’s nothing wrong with going to a movie that will choke you up, make you laugh, and inspire you all at the same time. In his Rocky films, Stallone has had a knack for taking the audience on an emotional journey that culminates with a nail biting, feel-good finale. It’s definitely a formula that works, but some people think that there’s no reason to do another one and that’s the exact theme that runs through this Rocky installment. What’s the point of going back if you’ve proven everything? There’s always something to prove and Rocky VI proves it!

If you’re a fan of even one of these films you’ll enjoy Rocky VI because of its realism. In it, a sports show on TV simulates an exhibition match between Rocky and Mason “The Line” Dixon, the current Heavyweight champion. The thoughts are mixed as to whether Rocky would win or Dixon, so A.J Benza (yes! He plays Dixon’s manager) gets the wheels in motion to get these two in the ring for a Las Vegas Pay Per View extravaganza. I was extremely pleased with how they carried this out in the film because it’s a scenario that might play out in real life. All the events leading up to the match were well done except for one. I left the movie feeling that we should have seen a scene where Dixon finally breaks down and commits to the fight with Rocky. Up until the press conference, we only see Dixon get frustrated with his manager and leave his gym and say he’s going back to his old gym. What made him finally decide to fight Rocky when he was completely against it? I guess A.J Benza is quite a persuader, or it was the big payday.

Adrian has passed from cancer and Rocky now owns a restaurant called Adrian’s in South Philly. This isn’t too far fetched when you think about how many former sports stars own restaurants. He’s got Spider Rico hanging out there reading the bible and washing dishes like a wacky old man. Paulie’s even back and he’s got the funniest lines of the film. It wasn’t a huge role, but Rocky’s son is played by Milo Ventigmilia (Hereos). We can surmise that Rocky has a new love interest and for the creative minds, her son might be the next guy that Rocky trains to be a boxer.

It was nice to see that they bring up all the great boxers such as Muhammed Ali, and Rocky Marciano. This brings Rocky into the real world even though he’s a fictional character but it works wonders to revitalize the story for a newer audience. It makes Rocky more of a legend. I cannot say that I was disappointed in the film in any way. It was entertaining, inspiring, and as always it had an awesome match at the end. The audience clapped for the Mike Tyson cameo, so keep an eye out for it.

One of the parallels in the film was priceless. Punchy, Rocky’s new but truly old dog was written into the script to represent Rocky being an old dog who still has life in him. Who woulda thunk it? Symbolism in a Rocky movie? Totally true. Rocky runs with the dog during the training sequences and it works. Earlier in the movie Rocky explains to “Steps” that even though Punchy is an old dog, if he is treated right, eats right, and has some friendship, he’ll have a lot of good years left in him. This is the crux of the movie. Rocky thought it was over after Adrian died but it wasn’t. He kept fighting and realized that he had a lot of life left in him as well. Great movie.

www.SexyArmpit.com

 

WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE: CLAMP CHAMP

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This just in… The Eternian Royal Guard has just released new information about another so-called “Master of the Universe” who has come under police scrutiny at the moment. Known previously to the masses as simply Clamp Champ, this dangerous sex offender has been a wanted criminal for 20 years. As if it needs to be said, his calling card is his superior clamping abilities. Through public Eternian documents it’s been discovered that Clamp Champ dropped his first name which was originally “nipple.” Nipple Clamp Champ, as he was known, was regularly found in the seedy sex clubs of Eternia.

His perverse habits of clamping onto Eternian women’s nipples and not letting go gave him a reputation for being quite the ladies man. Here’s where the story goes south. Nipple went off the deep end and began to clamp onto women’s buttcheeks, and even whole entire breasts. His death grip would leave nasty indentations on the women’s private areas which made them extremely perturbed. This landed him in hot water with the Eternian Royal guard. In 1986, they red flagged Nipple and put out an APB for him and since then he’s been wanted by the government. A recent investigation claims Clamp Champ makes replicas of his mechanical clamper and sells them on fetish websites. If you are compelled to buy a nipple clamping mechanism for whatever reason, please think twice as you may be buying from an unsavory fellow.

WARNING: Clamp Champ has also been known as “Nip the clamper”, “Reginald”, and “Silly Bitch.”
WARNING: If he does come in contact with you, he WILL attempt to clamp onto your nipples or put a deathlock on your buttocks with his clamper. If you see this man of hear of his whereabouts please contact your local police.
www.SexyArmpit.com

Every town should have a comic store, even…ELM STREET!

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I’m a little late on the mark when it comes to getting my comics. There’s a lack of any cool comic stores in our local area. There’s only a few and they pretty much suck. I feel uncomfortable going into these stores because you don’t know what to expect from the clerk. Either it seems like they are really depending on you to buy something or they couldn’t give a fuck if you’re even in their shop or not. I like to ask questions if I’m not sure if I’m buying the right book or if I need a certain issue. I’m not the guy who goes into the store and buys 40 comics either. I’ll buy a few here and there and I don’t read/collect one specific line. Although I was excited recently when I found out about Wildstorm’s line of Nightmare on Elm Street comics. There have been many different companies handling Elm Street comics in the past but I was confident Wildstorm would do it justice. I was a month or so late but I finally got around to Secret Stash this past weekend and picked up issues #1 and #2.

While reading the comic it was easy to picture its events actually happening in a film installment. There was nothing that was too far from the typical Elm Street saga and unfortunately it doesn’t attempt to further the mythology of the series in any way. I’m sure in the upcoming issues the writers will stretch out creatively. Chuck Dixon reintroduces Freddy into the comic world with a solid plot. The characters are similar to ones you’ve seen in the films and segues to dream sequences are well done. The art by Kevin West is vibrant and colorful and it’s especially enhanced by the high quality paper. West has done quite a memorable job translating the Nightmare series from the screen to the page. It’s far fetched but I’d love to see it become a mature animated series on HBO in the vein of Spawn, but much scarier. It’s good to know a company finally got it right with such an iconic series.

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Hark the Hair Bands Sing!

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A friend of mine, Steve, once said that everything in my life ties back to Hair Bands. While my hair is the furthest thing from being “hair band” status, the hair band flavor runs deep within my soul. I don’t have much of a choice either because it’s something I grew up with. Hair Metal was all over MTV and on the radio when I was a kid. It just seemed like the culmination of pop and metal was a perfect mix. It was only an added bonus when they threw in the spandex, leather tassels, HUGE hair, and the uncomfortable closeups of the guys in the band creepily smiling at you through the television.

After years of being glued to MTV watching videos for hours, I’ve come to despise videos that have been made within the last ten years. The hair band video mentality was that of a party and the escapist themes sucked you right into the plot. Was Tawny Kitaen dancing for us? As far as I knew she was. Who cares if she was porking Coverdale. Was Bret Michaels a complete woman in the “I Want Action” video? Hell yes, but the guys weren’t paying attention to that because we actually rocked out to it. The women ate it up because for some reason women seem to be attracted to guys that look like women. Alas, it was a great time for music videos.

Nowadays I’d be hard pressed to find you a video that I actually enjoy unless its some wacky homage to the hair band era. The ones that are actually cool aren’t even shown on TV. If you have VH1 Classics you can catch alot of these bands, but I don’t have the time to watch for 18 hours to see the new Quiet Riot video. Luckily with the existence of official band websites, we can now enjoy great Hair Band videos online including the ones that are made TODAY!

If you like to dabble in the hair band scene, you must check out “Oh Come Oh ye Faithful,” the latest video from Twisted Sister which appears on their Christmas album. It hearkens back to the golden days of Hair Metal videos when no one gave a shit about anything but having a good time and checking out some hot ass. Whether you love the genre or not, the videos are completely over the top and much more entertaining than the majority of videos made in recent times.

www.SexyArmpit.com

I heard of Coal for Christmas, but E. Coli?

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Where are the stoners, slackers, and lovers of artificial Mexican cuisine going to get their sustenance? The outbreak of E. Coli in the Tri-State area specifically New Jersey has sparked a major media reaction. The news has been all over this story and with good reason. Not too long ago in this very blog I was raving about how heavenly Taco Bell food is. And if it weren’t for a few bad scallions I’d probably still tell you the same thing. Hell, a couple of diseased vegetables can’t kill such a great fast food chain. Taco Bell shall overcome.

As I continute to desperately sprint for the border and grasp onto what little piece of glory is left of the Taco Bell legacy, let me tell you about the Secret Santa swap we’re doing at work. It’s imperative that you know how I despise Secret Santa swaps. They are insipid. Fortunately this year, a woman at work decided to tweak the tradition ever so slightly so we can all enjoy it a bit more. She came up with writing not only our name, but also 3 things we would like for $20 on our little secret ballot. I think that’s a lot better than getting some dumbass gift you would never ask for or want in your entire life. So, I wrote down an Amazon gift card, followed by…(drum roll) $20 bucks in Taco Bell gift certificates! Mind you, this was only about a week before the E.Coli outbreak hit the news. I was so pumped to get the oddest, most white trash Secret Santa gift in history. In an effort to save myself from shitting blood I decided (against my better wishes) to take good ol’ Taco Bell off my Secret Santa ballot. I didn’t want the punch line of this story to go down like this:

Jay: Hey Suzy, what did you get from the Secret Santa swap?
Suzy: Bob got me a great flashlight/umbrella hybrid, what did you get?
Jay: I got E.Coli. I never wanted it to end this way.
Suzy: Oh stop, your life isn’t over…yet! You still haven’t finished your Extreme Supreme Chalupa with extra scallions.
Jay: Death by Chalupa. I guess the bell tolls for me.

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“Yesterday”: An Unexplained Occurence

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As I write this, it’s technically Sunday morning but the incidents I will describe happened in the afternoon of Saturday 12/9/06. Please keep in mind I’m not the type of person who thinks everything is freaky. Some people think everything that happens to them is freaky and only happened because of some greater or mystical power. This isn’t me. I do have to write that I am a person who believes in fate, as well as the unexplained. Ghosts and the paranormal have always fascinated me but not to the point where I tell people that I see ghosts and my condo is haunted by a spirit of an evil great, great grandfather.

When incidents that happen in everyday life seem coincidental some people really blow them out of proportion and think there was some magical reason for it happening. Scientifically, lots of things happen because there’s a good chance that they CAN happen that way. It becomes simply a numbers game. Sometimes, though there’s occurrences that can’t be explained by an equation much like what happened to me today.

My mother has a vintage doll that my father or uncle bought for my sister when she was a baby. This isn’t like a Cabbage Patch Doll or anything, it almost has a China doll type face and an ornate maroon dress. It’s on a stand and it’s eyelids open and close. On its back it has a key that you wind up to make it play music. The song it plays is the Beatles “Yesterday.” There’s a name of the line of dolls but I don’t recall what it is, all I know is that they go for a lot of money on eBay.

My mom keeps this doll on the top of her dresser and it’s immediately noticeable when you walk into the room. I stood in the hallway by her door to her bedroom and she was laying down on the couch in the living room. No one else was home and the television was on very low playing “Only You” starring Robert Downey Jr. and Marisa Tomei. I called for my mom but she was in and out of sleep trying to relax from her head cold. I called for her but heard nothing. “Mom?…” At that very second I heard the chimes of a music box playing the Beatles’ “Yesterday.” I attempted for a moment to figure out what I was hearing and where it was coming from. To be honest, I didn’t even remember that my mother had this doll in her room let alone what song it even played.

Jay: “Mom, do you have a music box?” I asked.
Mom: “No, but the doll on my dresser plays music.” she admitted
Jay: “Did you just turn it on?”
Mom: “No, I haven’t moved off the couch.”
Jay: What song does that doll play?
Mom: The Beatles’ Yesterday
Jay: That doll was just playing the song, did you put it on?
Mom: No, I didn’t. Where’s your father, maybe he did.

Needless to say, my father wasn’t home and he didn’t get home for a few hours afterward. My mother reminded me that it was YESTERDAY 12/8 in 1980 that John Lennon was shot in New York City.

**People, this is 100% true, no exaggeration. I also went into NYC Saturday night to celebrate my girlfriend’s birthday which was Friday 12/8.

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Wanted: Shopping Cart Gatherers – 8 BUCKS AN HOUR!!!

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I was impressed by something I saw the other night when it was freezing outside. There was a guy in the grocery store parking lot whose shopping cart was pushed by the wind and about to crash into a parked car. This guy had the decency to run at full speed to try to catch up to it and at the very last second he saved the car from getting a dent in it. This might not seem like much, but to me it’s what all of us should be doing. Show some damn concern for others, not only during the holidays but all the time. If there’s one thing that makes me want to scream it’s the thought of a friggin’ shopping cart crashing into my car at full speed because some asshole didn’t care to put it back in the shopping cart hangar. Doesn’t it piss you off when you see someone unload their goods into their trunk, leave the cart where it is, then pull out and drive away?

These kids who get paid 8 bucks an hour trying to herd carts together like they’re cattle have to do it in freezing temperatures but what’s their motivation? There’s rarely a sense of accomplishment because there’s people messing your shit up all day. Let’s be more considerate people, at least for the shopping cart kids who have dreams too. I’ve never heard any kindergarten student tell their teacher that they want to be a shopping cart gatherer when they grow up.

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