Classic WWF/WWE Event Cards from New Jersey #2

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For the 2nd installment of Classic WWF Cards we go back to July 7th, 1988. I didn’t expect much this time since the event took place at a local high school. For those of you not from around here, Perth Amboy isn’t necessarily the ritziest town, but then again it’s not that much better than the swamp the Meadowlands is built on.

Nearly one year later from our last installment of Classic WWF cards, Dangerous Danny Davis is still feuding with George “The Animal” Steele. It goes to show how long feuds used to last and how the WWF would squeeze every drop of excitement out of them that they could. I believe George Steele consumed 433 lbs. of turnbuckle padding during this feud.

Our local son Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Haku is one of those matches that doesn’t sound spectacular at first, but turned out to be one of the more exciting on the card. Those two wrestlers always managed to exceed expectations. When Haku went out on his own I thought, “O h g r e a t h e’ll t a k e t h e w r e stling w o r l d b y st o rm for s u r e.” in my most dry, sarcastic inner tone. I didn’t care much about Haku unless he was tag-teaming with Tama in The Islanders. On the other hand, the late Bam Bam always intrigued me since he carried a lot of weight, but was super quick and agile. Seeing him come down to the ring, menacing, with flames on his outfit and his bald head all tattooed up was quite a sight. His cartwheels and diving headbutts made for an entertaining attraction, although he remained underrated throughout his career.

I never caught one of Leaping Lanny Poffo’s frisbees, and as gay as it sounds, I always wanted to. I don’t know if it was because I just wanted to catch something thrown from a wrestler in the ring, or if it was really because I thought it was a cool concept. Printing a poem he wrote on a frisbee and throwing it out to the crowd: cool or uncool? Nowadays it seems like an insanely silly idea, but at the time it was fun for the kids. Poffo’s later turn as The Genius seemed to have been more successful, but nowhere near the caliber of success that his brother “Macho Man” Randy Savage attained.

The card is finalized with a statement that throws salt in the wound: All NON-Title Matches! Regardless of the lack of headlining WWF superstars, I fondly recall my dad taking me to this event and having an awesome time. We sat only a few rows from the ring with a seat near the entrance, so I got to slap some of the wrestler’s hands. Be quiet…it’s thrilling for a young wrestling fan.

Best Posts of 2008

The hustle and bustle of the Christmas season impaired my blog consistency. Between Christmas shopping and work I nearly wanted to vomit when I thought of creating quality posts in the last few weeks. I don’t know how some bloggers can post up to 6 times a day when I feel like it’s a fairly big deal to create just ONE well put together post. Well, here’s another classic copout of a blog post: THE BEST POSTS OF 2008! The following is an exhaustively egotistical look at all of my favorite posts I wrote throughout the year, which somehow translates to the “Best Posts.” If you enjoy coming to this site, I appreciate it very much! For new visitors and long time friends, New Jersey is still a mess of swamps, toxic waste, and a ton of pop culture garbage, so have no fear, 2009 will not let you down! 































Classic WWF/WWE Event Cards from New Jersey #1

Welcome to ringside folks! It’s a slobberknocker here at The Sexy Armpit where we’re taking a look at the FIRST in a series of Classic WWF/WWE Event cards. An event card is the rundown of all the matches that take place at a house show, Live TV taping, or a Pay Per View. These cards are from events that I actually attended, and as we get into later posts in this series you’ll notice the quality of the cards diminish greatly. Nowadays you don’t see these match listings as much, since so many storylines change at the last minute, and occasionally a wrestler slated to appear gets replaced due to injury. But for now, let’s enjoy the classic days of the WWF as we take you down to Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse “The Body” Ventura!

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It’s Monday June 8th, 1987 and the WWF Superstars have come to the arena formerly known as The Brendan Byrne, what is now known as The Izod Center. In possibly the shittiest main event in WWF history, former referee “Dangerous” Danny Davis took on George “The Animal” Steele as their feud continued. Could you imagine if it went the full hour time limit? George would have devoured all 4 turnbuckles by that time! Looking back, I have difficulty categorizing this as even a mid-card bout. It didn’t bother me because the excitement of being able to go to a live WWF event was overwhelming. When I was a kid I’d be happy watching two jobbers wrestle in the main event just as long as I was at an actual WWF show. I don’t think I realized I was getting ripped off, but I was still upset that I wasn’t able to see some of my favorites like Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage. Not all the matches were specifically detailed but there was sure to be “other all star bouts” happening that night. It’s possible even they didn’t know what else was going to happen. “Who’s around? Do we have Hacksaw Jim Duggan? Throw him out there against Barry Horowitz STAT!”

“New Pepsi Logo is an Atrocity!” says The Sexy Armpit.com

Last night, I had the genius plan of going to Walmart. Going there is like getting ass from a girl who you know you really don’t want ass from but you convince yourself that you need it and it might not be that bad. Then the minute you leave her house you realize it was a huuuge mistake and the whole ordeal took much longer than it should have. The only good thing that comes out of the situation is that you realize you didn’t catch anything, HOORAY! Even though I probably would’ve rather caught something than waited on the check out line for 45 minutes to buy a can of soda.

As my silly “not based on real life” analogy comes to an abrupt halt, take a gander to the left and peep out this cool retro Pepsi can I found at Walmart last night. Out of all the cool cans that are part of Pepsi’s aluminum retro collection, this is closest to the one I grew up with. “Take the Pepsi Challenge” appears on a banner at the bottom. It brought back memories, especially considering the atrocity that is the latest Pepsi logo…if you can call it a logo. Why is it in this country we constantly feel the need to unnecessarily change things?

Finding this can at the bottom of the shelf in the soda aisle reminded me that I took some pictures of vintage soda art when I was in Las Vegas recently. In the waiting area of the New York, New York Roller Coaster, the walls feature some awesome murals of retro soft drinks. I was easily more enthralled by this artwork than I was the actual roller coaster, which completely sucked ass. It wasn’t a fun time at all and the wait time didn’t justify how shitty the ride was. Perhaps I’m just spoiled living right up the NJ Turnpike from Six Flags Great Adventure.

These murals are from the “soft drink renaissance” of art history. You may recall studying that period in college. Upon careful scrutiny, do you notice anything strange about this one? The messed up thing is that the Mountain Dew cup has the modern day logo rather than it’s retro look.
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This mural features the Pepsi challenger race car and 3 classic soft drinks that have been lost to the ages: Pepsi Free, Pepsi Light, and Slice!
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When The Sexy Armpit opens “The Soft Drink Hall of Fame,” these 2 pieces will surely be prime exhibits!

DC Infinite Heroes Crisis 3-Pack: Superman, Supergirl, & Wonder Girl!

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The recent climate in the world of toys is all about capitalizing on the older, harder to please collector. Toy companies such as Mattel and Hasbro blatantly pander to hardcore collectors. I do appreciate the recent innovations, but I don’t believe that toy aisles should be filled with such expensive, delicately crafted action figures that belong in the Smithsonian rather than a milk crate in my ’80s den. I stick to the basics and would be more apt to buy something that looks fun to own rather than a dust collector. I am interested in collectible statues and busts, but they have no place in toy aisles.

One of the prime culprits is DC Comics whose action figures really stepped up their game and their prices. Not to sound like an old fogey, but I recall days as a kid when I could literally buy 6 action figures on clearance for $2 or $3 bucks. Nowadays ONE Star Wars Clone Wars /Legacy action figure costs OVER $6 bucks! Regardless of inflation, is this tiny piece of plastic worth that kind of money? I say HELL NO, It’s a toy for fuck’s sake! If I was a kid right now and had some money saved from birthdays or allowance cash, I’d break the bank if I had to pay $7 bucks for ONE action figure. This is a shitty time for toys if you ask me. Sure us geeky dudes get all wet in the pants when we see a really cool rare character get a highly detailed treatment, but what do we actually do with it? The minority of us are actually using them to act out a storyline, and if you are, I commend you because at least you’re getting your money’s worth.

Even with my efforts of keeping up with the latest toy and collectible news, these new DCU Infinite Heroes Crisis 3- packs somehow zoomed passed my radar. I’m glad I got a hold of this set at Target this weekend. Here’s the 3-pack which includes Powergirl, Superman, and Supergirl:

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It’s pretty sickening that I spent $16 bucks this set. That price breaks down to about $5 bucks per figure, which is far from a bargain especially in the dismal economic climate. What caught my eye about this set is the figure’s smaller size. Too many figures today are being made too big. My first action figure memories come from Star Wars and Super Powers figures, both small in size, and both made by Kenner. My taste in toys has been influenced by those two toy lines in a major way. This set brought me back to those days. Even though they’re small in size, they’re detailed, colorful, and seem more collectible than a 6 inch figure. In addition, buying smaller figures in 3-packs is more exciting than just buying them seperately.

My only gripe with this series is that this is the only 3-pack that I NEED to have among the ones available because Superman looks awesome and Powergirl and Supergirl look super sexy fine. In the other sets, Black Canary, Starfire, and Raven could stand to look way hotter. This is the problem with dating action figures, they don’t slut it up enough.

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Even though I’m not an anal toy collector, I do keep up on the latest action figures and toy trends by reading these sites (among others) so check them out when you get a chance:

Toyriffic

Eclectorama

Poe Ghostal

Did Elisabeth Shue Bankrupt New Jersey?

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It’s been almost 25 years since Elisabeth Shue played Ali “give me back my radio” Mills, Danny Larusso’s love interest in The Karate Kid, so it’s about damn time she made some headlines again. This time, instead of playing the girlfriend of an Italian Jersey boy who learned how to wax on and off, she was actually instrumental in New Jersey losing a bunch of cash. For NJ to lose more money than it already has seems impossible.

Gracie, a film about a Jersey girl who wanted to play competitive soccer, did not make enough revenue to turn a profit. Almost 4 years ago, NJ’s Economic Development Authority wrote off a $2 million dollar loan to the film’s producers to pay the tab for Jerseyites Andrew Shue (a co-writer on the film) and his sister Elisabeth to star in Gracie. The loan was granted by state lawmakers in hopes of boosting movie production in New Jersey. The filmmakers also have to pay back the film’s lead financial backers Goldman Sachs, who shelled out $7 million dollars to make the film.

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NJ.com’s story about the $2 million dollar loss, garnered numerous comments that ranged from infuriated people who criticized the state’s lack of fiscal responsibility to others who had the idea of re-shooting the film with gratuitous frontal nudity and sex scenes and then re-releasing it. Oh you wacky Jersey folks! There may be a lack of moolah here, but there’s never a shortage of PORN!

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Regardless of NJ being “in the hole,” Elisabeth Shue could probably afford to send me a kickback from her residual check because I keep her entire filmography in rotation. Just the other day I checked my brain at my front door and popped Hollow Man into the antique “DVD player.” Let’s talk about that one scene where Josh Brolin is about to get his bang on with her. We would’ve had a nice fleeting ass cheek shot, but her granny thong is in the way. That was the most ginormous whale tale in the history of the existence of the term “whale tale.”

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Even though Shue is no spring chicken, she’s still a hot and seasoned actress who has starred in a bunch of other films close to my heart. You are all beasts for condemning her turn as Jennifer Parker in Back To The Future II and III. Leave her alone, she was in a catch 22 situation! She had to fill the “shues” of Claudia Wells who had a sexy appealing sex appeal. And no…that wasn’t a typo. Wells was not only sexy, but supportive as her character Jennifer rooted Marty on: “You’re good Marty, you’re really good!” I love that kind of encouragement, especially when she’s being “encouraging” in the back of my black Toyota 4×4 down at the lake.

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For all her years of service to horny men out there, The Sexy Armpit gives Elisabeth a bye this time. Perhaps we could all demand that her brother Andrew refund the money to the state via his windfall that came through after Melrose Place made it to DVD?

They Live Starring John Cena?

io9.com has an exclusive interview with WWE’s John Cena regarding the possibility of him starring in a remake of 1988’s They Live. Will he step into Rowdy Roddy Piper’s role for the modern day take on the film?

I’m glad to read that io9 is referring to Cena positively. All you Cena haters aren’t being forced to watch RAW last I checked. Go watch TNA, UFC, or Hulkster’s Celebrity Wrestling!

BetaMaxmas brings you Holiday Specials Retro Style!

My friend Steve alerted me to this awesome site called Betamaxmas. As you can see from the screenshot, it’s a late ’70s or early ’80s living room fully equipped with a Christmas tree decorated with BIG BULBS, a TV set with rabbit ears and a remote control, and a Betamax player. On the TV set you can watch all different vintage holiday specials. If they come in a little fuzzy…just click the rabbit ears to adjust the reception! It’s amazing how fast technology has been “museumified.” A bonus is the classic TV guide listing on the top right.

Notes on an ’80s Scandal: “Mr. Mom” Jack Butler’s Shocking Secret!

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How many times have you heard the statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce? I for one have heard it so many times that it makes me wonder why people get married in the first place. I take Gene Simmons stance on the subject, he remains “happily unmarried.” One of the most prominent reasons for rampant divorce is infidelity. Even the model husband is still not exempt from having his will power melted by some hot lingerie clad minx who’s bent on bedding him down.

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Take the sexily milfish Joan (Ann Jillian) from Mr. Mom for instance. Her character was a divorcee whose main excitement consisted of grocery shopping, male revues, playing poker for coupons, and gossipping about daytime soaps. She didn’t fly into fiery jealous fits of rage and she never tried to make Jack’s wife Caroline’s life a living hell. She was slick and subtly made herself an accessible part of Jack’s life. Caroline wasn’t present that often in the household while she was pursuing her career, so Joan took advantage of a perfect opportunity to steal Jack’s affections away from her. She planned to be everything Caroline wasn’t. Unlike Caroline, Joan was enticed by Jack for who he was. She liked his beard, his old flannel shirt, and the fact that he gained a little bit of weight: “I like a man with a little meat on his bones.”

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It wasn’t long before Jack had a dream involving Joan seducing him. We all know that’s the first step in realizing you want to bang someone. Let’s face it though, considering how thick she laid on the seduction sauce, it would’ve been pretty damn easy for Jack to fall into her clam trap. Alas, in the film Jack wakes up and the viewers can rest assured that it was only a dream. Don’t worry, our male-mom hero hasn’t cheated on his loyal wife. But has he?

The FBI agents here at The Sexy Armpit took a trip to the archives to view footage from the cutting room floor of Mr. Mom, and we found some interesting evidence. Actually, what we came across was more of a sex tape. Believe it or not folks, long before the days of Pam and Tommy, and Paris and Rick, Jack and Joan made a sex tape. Unfortunately, I do not have lawful clearance to show the footage to you, but I can clue those in who have an insatiable lust for the juicy tidbits: There was tons of anal.

Would you have been able to resist Ann Jillian knocking at your door, then opening her trench coat to reveal some sexy lingerie? Are you sure? She was ready to tend to Jack’s every want and need. I’m sure whatever fantasy he conjured up in his head she would’ve made it happen, after all, she was the original desperate housewife.

It wasn’t until recently when I made the connection and started gathering evidence to make my case. I realized that a few years later, in the 1989 film The ‘Burbs we have living, breathing proof of the Jack and Joan liaison in the headbanging neighbor, Ricky Butler. Ricky lived in Mayfield Place and relished in watching the hijinks his neighbors got themselves into. Just by his physical appearance I noticed the similarities Ricky had to Jack and Joan.

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Ultimately, Jack Butler stayed with his wife Caroline but never admitted to her that he had actually bumped uglies with Joan. His sons Alex and Kenny grew up and were never aware they had a stepbrother. Listen up guys, your dad is a rotten cheating mr. man-whore! Joan never told anyone about her and Jack’s baby. Upon learning she was pregnant, Joan relocated to Mayfield Place when she realized she would never have Jack all to herself. (Incidentally, the set of The ‘Burbs is now used as the set for Desperate Housewives.) In her new neighborhood, she went on to become the town’s happy drunk and earned her title of town floozy. She decided that she wanted little Ricky to keep Jack’s last name in honor of her love for him. Little Ricky did not grow up to build cars like his dad, but he did become a skater/metalhead who obviously inherited ladies man status from his father: “Hey uhh Mrs. Rumsfield…no tan lines this morning…looks nice!”
Is it curious that we never actually see Ricky Butler’s parents in The ‘Burbs? In 1989, Michael Keaton was most likely too busy being Batman to make a cameo as Ricky’s estranged father. Let this be a lesson to all those bored homewrecking housewives out there: stop seducing your girlfriend’s hardworking husbands! Their almost non existent will power is no match for your shrewd womanly ways. A word to the wise: If you are going to pull a “Jack and Joan,” always keep in mind that you may just wind up with your own little mistake. Then again, who wouldn’t want a scraggly poster child for Vision Street Wear like Ricky Butler running around?