If Back to the Future’s Twin Pines Mall and Lyon Estates got together and f-cked, the result would be Lyons Mall in Basking Ridge, NJ.
I Love You Meatwad, but not for $80 bucks!
If this thing actually talked like Meatwad and said “Fudge You, Butthole!” every time I plopped my ass down on it, then it would immediately be on the floor in my living room. If I gave into my deepest desires, I would own this Meatwad Bean Bag Chair.
There are 2 reasons why I won’t blow the steep $80 dollars on it though. First, I might use it for 2 or 3 weeks, then I’d probably wind up right back on my couch, the same couch that has the indentation of my ass cheeks in it from constantly sitting in the same spot all the time (their ad describes this phenomenon as “butt deformation” lol). You must have a couch like that. I saw my couch on Sesame Street one time: “One of Jay’s couch cushions is flatter than the other, do you know which one it is? Oh yeah, the second reason is all about the price. I have been known to spend wads of cash on unnecessary crap, but I just can’t justify this one. Perhaps a Meatwad plush toy or pillow will be more cost effective.
Scarfin’ It with The Armpit
Blitzburgers in North Brunswick
Regardless of America’s obesity epidemic, hamburgers seem to be more popular than ever. Blitzburgers is capitalizing on this popularity with their own eclectic array of burgers, along with chicken burgers, hot dogs, salads, sandwiches, and paninis. Perusing the Blitzburgers menu will give you a case of the old momentary “decisions, decisions” disease. You’ll really have to use process of elimination to determine which burger you’ll order since the menu, specifically their burger repertoire, is so huge. I ordered #21, The All American Burger with American Cheese, pickles, tomatoes, onion, ketchup and mustard, although I was secretly fantasizing about #19, the Jersey Shore Burger which includes pork roll, fried egg, and american cheese, mmm…aka The Burger that WON’T get you abs like The Situation’s. The burger was awesome, but the only aspect of it that disappointed me was that it had two patties in it. I was only expecting one and two slabs of meat not only make the burger sloppier, but I also felt kind of disgusting after eating such a gigantic burger. Blitzburgers also has another location in New Brunwick.
468 Renaissance Blvd. East
North Brunswick, NJ
Sliders Bar and Grill in New Brunswick
The Tex Mex Chicken Slider with avocado and monterey jack cheese was a perfect sized portion so I didn’t feel stuffed before heading to The Stress Factory later that night. The chicken patty was cooked just right and was very flavorful, but my only gripe with this slider was that the bun was too small for the patty. I understand the concept of a mini burger, but the roll did not cover the circumference of the patty, which bothered me. As you can see, the presentation is trendy and more upscale but the prices are very reasonable. The decor at Sliders is very cool, equipped with TV’s all around, they boast an awesome bar, and bubbly waitresses who aim to please.
378 George Street
New Brunswick, NJ 08901
My Cuban Rose in Kenilworth
We started with a couple of empanadas and then what was delivered to me was the most massive, gigantic piece of breaded chicken I’ve ever seen in my life. I originally wanted a pork dish but they were out of the breaded pork entree so I played it safe. The chicken was brought to the table and my girlfriend noticed that it looked like the shape of the United States. At first I wasn’t sold, but when you really look at it, it does bare a resemblance, although conspicuous by its absence is Texas. The chicken was crispy, delicious, and very thin. On the side they give the option of black beans and rice, but I recommend the option of the black beans and rice mixed together. I wound up taking much of the dinner home because there was so much food. I think I got another 2 meals out of the leftovers! There’s a laid back atmosphere at My Cuban Rose, although the waitresses seemed like they were too busy to pay proper attention to each table. I also had a hard time understanding our waitress since she had a very thick accent. My Cuban Rose also offers catering, takeout, and hand rolled cigars.
625 North Michigan Avenue
Kenilworth, NJ 07033
Thai Thai Cuisine in Edison
Thai Thai Cuisine’s service was top notch and the food was right on par with the best Thai food that I’ve had. My girlfriend and I started off with an awesome appetizer of Chicken Satay with peanut sauce. For our meals we ordered the Pad Thai, and I requested mine HOT. It was an exceptional meal and did indeed provide a good amount of heat, but of course I had a gripe. All of the shrimp pieces still had their tails, and that pissed me off because if the tails were removed I could’ve scarfed down the whole meal without having to pinch out the shrimp meat. I like when that stuff is taken care of by the restaurant before I dig in. It was a minor annoyance but it grew worse when I realized that I ate a piece of shrimp with its tail and I didn’t care much for that at all. Overall, Thai Thai Cuisine is a definite winner if you’re fan of Thai food. You can also visit their other location in Old Bridge.
Thai Thai Cuisine
Shop Rite Strip Mall
Route 1 and Old Post Road
Edison, NJ 08817
Card Subject to Change: Coming Soon from Iron River Films
Watch the trailer for this upcoming wrestling documentary from Iron River Films, based out of New Jersey:
Card Subject To Change from Iron River Films on Vimeo.
Ad Jerseum 3: Corona “This Island Jersey”
“Bundle up!” not cheery. pissed. have to walk outside in 19 degree weather. shovel. scoop. toss. shovel. brush snow off car. get into car. residual snow falls onto seat. sit down, ass gets wet. turn car on. crank up defroster. get out of car. scrape ice off windshield. spray de-icer on windshield. begin to drive even though glass still fogged up. “Can’t be late for work!” obviously not smiling. roll down window. more snow falls into car. stick head out so I can see where I’m going. wonder why I don’t live here:
Believe it or not, I’ve been trying to track down a picture of this awesome billboard for a long time, but to no avail, until now. A few years back while on a train ride to New York City, I saw the same billboard as pictured above in Newark and thought it was one of the coolest beer ads ever. Corona ads have always taken a different approach from other beer brands. I praise Corona’s ad campaigns for making abundantly clear that they are a different breed than your average brew. This is cerveza. Sure, it’s easy to sell beer to frat boys. Bud, Miller Lite and Coors Light ads, all seem to say “I’m a masculine guy who loves sports and sexy women who love sports, now let’s get wasted!” Listen up, I’m not giving Corona props just because they were brazen enough to feature the Garden State in one of their ads, but they actually do present themselves in a more sophisticated light.
The regional aspect of this billboard accomplished more than what an average ad could. Back on that train ride, I took a glimpse of the billboard for a fleeting second but the image stuck with me. Momentarily, my mind was whisked away to the alluring, mysterious, and deserted island of New Jersey where beer runs from bathroom faucets and the warm ocean water is blue and the sand is soft and white. This visual only works for a few seconds until I abruptly flashback to what I actually have to deal with on a daily basis. In the winter, I wait about a minute and a half for my faucet water to become luke warm, so let me verify that no beer comes out. Then of course, our ocean water is usually frigid, which is more scary than refreshing even on sweltering days, and it’s dirty, nay, probably contaminated. The sand? Fuggedaboutit. Broken shells, cigarette butts, garbage, mashed up jellyfish, crab carcasses, used condoms; It’s all displayed for you like an unexpected putrid potpourri. You thought a vacation at the Jersey Shore was supposed to be all fried Oreos and Snookie? Ha. It’s a tough call but I’m going to say that Corona’s imaginary Jersey Island is intensely more appealing. I can envision myself right now relaxing on the beach, with my feet massaged into the soft white sand and the only thing I might have to defog is my sunglasses.
*A big thanks goes out to Michael William Sullivan for taking this perfect shot of the Corona Billboard. I’ve gone to several lengths to get a hold of this ad directly from Corona and the ad agency who created it, but neither were helpful. It would seem that presenting an ad on a blog could only mean free advertising for the product, right? Maybe next time when The Sexy Armpit knocks on their door they’ll give up the goods. Check out all of Michael William Sullivan’s excellent photography here at his Deviant Art page.
New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 34: Brewster’s Millions
“C’mon, this is Hackensack, New Jersey, no scout comes here you understand that? A train’s going through the outfield right now…” – Spike Nolan, Brewster’s Millions
It’s only a matter of days before pitchers and catchers will be reporting to spring training. To get you geared up for baseball season, today’s entry features 1985’s Brewster’s Millions starring Richard Pryor. If you are a baseball fan and you haven’t seen this, it’s worth adding to your Netflix queue. The film is actually based on George Barr McCutcheon’s 1902 novel which spawned several movies, but this incarnation is the most well known. In addition to it’s baseball backdrop, New Jersey also plays a significant role in the film.
We first see Brewster (Pryor) as the pitcher on the minor league Hackensack Bulls. At first the film is reminiscent of 2000’s The Replacements, and it’s possible that this low rent, rag tag baseball team might get a shot at the big leagues later in the movie. Once the plot is exposed as fairly un-baseball related, the story becomes a bit cockamamy. Brewster stands to inherit $300 million dollars from his deceased great uncle, but only if he’s able to spend $30 million in 30 days. Brewster does everything he can to spend the dough, including running for Mayor of New York City and hiring the New York Yankees to take on the Hackensack Bulls in a 3-inning exhibition game.
Brewster’s Millions is one of those ’80s films that seems to get lost in the shuffle. The film is mildy humorous, thanks mostly to John Candy as Brewster’s friend, Spike Nolan. Candy was clearly not given the best material to work with but was still amusing as always. As the main character, Monty Brewster, even Pryor’s performance was mediocre at best. The storyline isn’t meant to be hysterical, but one would think that combining the comedic powers of Pryor and Candy on screen would equal gold, but it’s unfortunately not the case. I’m in no way implying that there are no funny parts in this film, but just not as many as I had hoped.
According to IMDB, Jennifer Beals was up for the role of Brewster’s love interest and financial advisor, Angela Drake, but the role ultimately went to Lonette McKee. McKee’s performance was dull and the film could’ve used a female lead with some sort of spark. McKee and Pryor didn’t have much chemistry at all and just the idea of Beals playing the role of Drake is much more enticing. I’m not sure why Beal didn’t get the role, but after reading more about Beals’ career, it seems to be a trend. She passed up the role of Appolonia in Purple Rain, and she was apparently the first choice to play Andie in Pretty in Pink, but lost out to Molly Ringwald.
Friday the 13th Part III’s Gloria Charles in a Camden Braves Jersey
Billboards at Pulaski Field: National Bank of Bergen County and Hasbrouck Dairy
Also thanks to IMDB, the exterior shot of Torchy’s Bar is also seen in 1979’s When a Stranger Calls:
“…he was out drinking ’til 3:30 at a bar in Plainfield last night…”
Brewster’s Millions offers various other mentions of New Jersey, Newark, and the fictional Hackensack Bulls baseball team. Look out for a hysterical cameo by Rick Moranis as Morty King King of the Mimics and Yakov Smirnoff as Vladimir the driver.
Great Gorge: Vagina Euphemism or Playboy’s Enchanting NJ Getaway?
Believe it or not, there was a point in time when Hugh Hefner actually believed New Jersey was desirable enough to have a Playboy Resort! Back in the ’70s, as part of Playboy’s plan for world domination, they set up shop at Great Gorge in McAfee, NJ. Maybe I should start up a petition to get a Playboy Club back in New Jersey! Who’s with me? Think of the reality show that could be. New Jersey and Playboy Bunnies, it’s got E! channel and VH1 written all over it. To hold you over until that happens, I’ve scanned this vintage postcard from the now defunct Playboy Resort, and colored over the original message because some hornball just couldn’t resist sending out a stupid joke about Bunnies while on a business trip. If you know me, I never joke about The Bunnies!
The Bunnies!
The card is postmarked August 20th, 1975, and check out that 10 cent stamp!
The Sexy Armpit with The Bunnies at the Playboy Club at the Palms in Las Vegas
Imported From Jersey
The store owner in this commercial makes me laugh.
New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 32: The Secret of the Ooze
If you’re looking for toxic sludge in order to transform a wolf and a turtle into two monstrous mutants, then look no further than Bayonne, NJ! There’s plenty of ooze here thanks to the work of Techno Global Research Industries, or TGRI, a company who, for 15 years, has been dumping their noxious waste in Jersey no less. I guess they figured, “Why not dump it in Jersey? Oh sure, the state is filled with garbage anyway, so bury it over there!”
This wasn’t just any ordinary waste, it was chemical ooze that could mutate anything into a jumbo version of itself. Unlike all the spam e-mails you get, this stuff could actually work miracles for a certain male appendage or even females with negative A cups. The only drawback is that after you lather up in it, you’d probably have to live the rest of your life ridiculously ripped and grow to 10 or 11 feet tall. If you’re cool with that and you have some sort of Guiness Book of World Records freak fetish, then by all means, go to Bayonne and find yourself some ooze! Just a warning though, you may have to dig through some of the alien carcasses that appeared in 2005’s War of the Worlds.
In an attempt to improve the company’s public image, TGRI tries to clean up much of the waste they have buried through the years of ecological incompetence. This ruise is not much different than some campaigns rolled out by many high profile companies in the last several years to “go green.” It’s common for companies to exploit the angle that they are being conscious of the environment to cover up a lot of their other shady operations. Just think, without this ooze, yeah maybe we wouldn’t have the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but more importantly, we wouldn’t have Tokka and Rahzar!
At one point, as he’s being in interviewed by April O’Neil, Professor Jordan Perry (David Warner) even claims the sludge was non toxic! Oh yeah…of course. It was as non toxic as Crayola crayons! I don’t think so! Can you ever trust the man known as the voice of Ra’s al Ghul? I think not Detective…
Mutated giant dandelions, now do you understand why we’re called The Garden State?
Classic WWF/WWE Event Cards from New Jersey #5
Have you ever seen an interrogation scene? You know that sort of scene where the hard edged, no nonsense detective won’t let up and shines that excessively bright dangling light down at the suspects face? Well, that would be the serious method of finding out whodunit. The other way to find the culprit would be to hire Leslie Nielsen, no, not Frank Drebin, but the actor who starred in Police Squad, and Naked Gun and about 200 other movies and TV shows. What kind of missing person would warrant a Vince McMahon making a phone call to Leslie Nielsen? The Undertaker, of course! (BTW, Nielsen is also available for finding lost astromech droids)
Back in 1994, one the WWF writers thought it would be cute to have various fans and celebrities claim that they spotted The Undertaker. Taker had been out since the Royal Rumble earlier that year when Yokozuna beat him at his own game, a casket match. After getting sealed into a double wide, double deep casket meant for the the 640 lb. Yokozuna, Taker soared up through the rafters to WWF heaven, or, vacation time as it’s commonly known to the nation’s work force. The Undertaker wound up facing The Undertaker at Summerslam 1994, and it wasn’t as bad as it sounds, and it’s nothing compared the shit the WWE regurgitates nowadays.
The Summer Sizzler Tour made a stop at the Meadowlands Arena on August 27, 1994, a couple of days before the biggest Pay Per View of the summer. Considering the climate in the wrestling world right now, it’s definitely interesting to look back on this card.
Bret “Hitman” Hart, who recently made a return to the WWE, tagged up with Razor Ramon, a.k.a Scott Hall, who is in TNA now, and in desperate need of some of that ICOPRO that they were always promoting back then, even on this list of matches! They took on the late Owen Hart and Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart, Bret’s former partner whose daughter Natalya presently manages the Hart Dynasty in WWE. You getting all this so far? This match was set to amp up the interest in the Bret/Owen feud and get the audience to buy the PPV. One of half of the main event at Summerslam 1994 was Bret facing his brother Owen in a steel cage. Hitman won the match and afterward he got beat up by Owen and Anvil.
I missed Two Dudes with Attitudes (Diesel (Kevin Nash) and Shawn Michaels) win the tag titles by one night. The night after this NJ house show they won the tag belts from The Headshrinkers and went into Summerslam with the gold.
Not much has changed in the WWF’s women’s division. It wasn’t as exciting as the Wendi Richter days after they brought it back in 1993. Around this time, WWF pushed the hell out of Alundra Blayze and they threw every female that was willing to compete at her. The freaky and formidable Japanese wrestler Bull Nakano challenged Blayze here. Apparently Nakano is a professional golfer now. It was just a natural progression I suppose.
There’s no question that the WWF pulls some atrocious crap out of their asses and this house show was no exception. Mabel aka Viscera teamed with Doink the Clown to take on Jeff Jarrett and the late great Jersey icon Bam Bam Bigelow. Talk about burying talent! Did they really have to embarrass Jarrett and Bigelow like this? I’ve been trying to erase the memory of Mabel’s purple and gold jumpsuit every since Men on a Mission first debuted in WWF.
As for the other garbage on this card, Bob Holly took on one half of the Quebecers, Pierre, who also wrestled as a pirate named Jean Pierre LaFitte. The only thing that could be said about this match is that The Bushwackers vs. The Heavenly Bodies was more entertaining. The opening match featured Adam Bomb vs. Kwang, the green mist spitting masked ninja or otherwise known as Savio Vega. I’ve said it plenty of times here on The Sexy Armpit, and that is that Adam Bomb was cool. I don’t care. He hailed from Three Mile Island!!! If only I had one of those little bomb squad football missiles he used to throw out to his Bomb Squad Members. That would’ve made The Summer Sizzler Tour a worthwhile outing.