New Jersey Archives - Page 42 of 59

Sprung Through Cages Out On Highway 9

Posted on January 15, 2010 by sexyarmpit

Bruce Springsteen didn’t just pull a random New Jersey road out of the back pocket of his jeans to name drop in “Born to Run.” Much like the escalator in Kevin Smith’s Mallrats, Route 9 should be feared and respected. Not only is the road filled with potholes in many stretches of it’s Garden State sprawl, but it’s also known for it’s fast, furious, and f-cked up drivers. If you have the choice, you’re better off staying away and re-routing your GPS. And whatever you do, don’t walk on the side of the highway, or as Dr. Evazan said in the cantina scene in Star Wars… “You’ll be DEAD!” Or to one up myself…as Admiral Bruce Ackbarsteen said “It’s a DEATH TRAP!”

This article from Jackson NJ Online News featured a report on New Jersey’s Most Dangerous Roads for Pedestrians. If you live in Jersey, reading this information is vital to your survival! Route 9 comes in at number 2 on the list, but then again, Bruce Springsteen didn’t mention US-130 in one of his immortal songs now did he?

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 35: “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal

Posted on January 12, 2010 by sexyarmpit

Black Machismo Foil T-Shirt available at shopTNA.com

Since there’s virtually no chance of seeing The Macho Man Randy Savage return to the ring, “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal is even better than the next best thing. Hailing from Elizabeth, New Jersey, Jamar Shipman began wrestling as Jay Lethal in Jersey All Pro Wrestling. Lethal won the JAPW Heavyweight title twice and has also been JAPW Light Heavyweight, Tag Team, and Television champion. Among other companies, Lethal has also appeared in Ring of Honor, and AWA.

Lethal has been doing his Savage shtick for several years now and it’s so faithful that it’s almost eerie at times. Obviously, many people, especially wrestling fans, can imitate the Macho Man, but Lethal literally becomes Savage! If you were there to experience the original wave of Macho Madness back in the day, then you’ll easily get sucked into the latest craze of Black Machismo Madness!

While Jay Lethal’s Macho Man impression might bring him attention, he also thrills inside the ring as well. You can check out Black Machismo on TNA Wrestling which airs on Spike TV on Thursday nights, but perhaps not for very long. Thanks in part to the addition of Hulk Hogan, TNA has positioned itself as a competitor against WWE so you may very well see Jay Lethal on Monday nights instead! Lethal also appears in a small role in 2008’s The Wrestler.

Happy Milk Day!

Posted on January 12, 2010 by sexyarmpit

Milk is definitely not the beverage it used to be. As a kid, I would cringe watching my friends drink milk with dinner while eating over their houses. How could you possibly enjoy a fine feast of spaghetti and meatballs with a tall glass of…milk? No way, that was against the law in my house. It was iced tea or drink your own f’n saliva. This doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy a cold glass of milk with dessert or drenching my cereal in the morning. But things were a little different back on January 11th, in 1878, when the first bottles of milk were delivered to people’s homes. To celebrate that momentous occasion, The Sexy Armpit has dunked itself into a carton of milky trivia.

In 1991’s Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead, Sue Ellen (Christina Applegate) has to look after her brothers and sister. Sue Ellen is no Bobby Flay, so for breakfast it was Cap’n Crunch in a gigantic family style bowl doused with Jerseymaid milk.

If you’re the type of person who compulsively reads the container of the food that you’re eating, then you may have wondered why so many milk cartons say “Jersey” on them. Not to bring down this celebratory mood or anything, but it has nothing to do with the Garden State. Jersey cows are actually a well known breed of cow from the British Channel Isle of Jersey. This breed is small, well mannered, and economical for dairy companies. But if you delve further into milk lore, you will find, like mostly everything else in this world, that it somehow ties back to New Jersey. Man, am I a one trick pony or what?

It turns out that New Jersey is home to our fair share of popular dairy companies. Tuscan Dairy which began delivering in Union and Essex counties in 1918 and Cream-O-Land started distributing in the New Brunswick, NJ area in 1943.

Whymilk.com is the official Got Milk? website and you can also check out Facebook.com/milkmustache to keep updated on the milk mustache ad campaign. Here are links to other milk related posts from The Sexy Armpit:

Upstate Farms Intense Mint Chip and Orange Scream Milk Review

Blue Milk and the Technicolor Twilight Zone

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 30: Movie Madness!

Posted on January 4, 2010 by sexyarmpit

National Lampoon’s Movie Madness – wow, what a crapfest. I originally began my mission to see this film because I noticed that Diane Lane had a bit part in it. Luckily, a few years back, the film also known as National Lampoon’s Goes to the Movies aired on cable, so I checked it out. I’m sure there’s other bloggers and reviewers on the internet who consider this film to be a forgotten gem, but it doesn’t have many redeeming qualities, so before you search it out I warn you not to even bother. I’m sure the parody aspect of the film was much more effective back in 1982, but looking back it’s weak. Even Diane Lane’s role is easily forgotten. I’m usually a fan of weird, dry, and absurd humor, but this film didn’t even elicit a chuckle from me.

Ann Dusenberry as Dominique Corsaire, or…Miss Dairy Doll

In the “Success Wanters” segment of the film, the young and attractive Dominique Corsaire (Ann Dusenberry), recently graduated college and is determined to be successful. Corsaire was desperate after failing to find a job within days of graduating, so she becomes a stripper. One night Corsaire has a gig to dance at the National Conference of Presidents of Dairy Companies. She’s introduced as Miss Dairy Doll and the presidents heckle her to “show us your tits!” The lords of dairy got so charged up as she was dancing that they rushed the stage with sticks of butter. I’m pretty sure the “butter bang” is not in the kama sutra. Ahh, old dairy moguls and their weird sexual fetishes. (guys, don’t get any ideas OK? you’re wife probably won’t be into that) Corsaire wasn’t going to let the incident get her down. Corsaire vowed revenge on the butter industry. She wound up sleeping her way to the top of the Everest Margarine Company, then got busy with a wealthy Greek tycoon and his son, and eventually scored with the President of the United States.

In a slimeball attempt to make Butter and Margarine coexist, Jeff Steele, butter rep, sleeps with Corsaire. His vision for years was that “butter and milk could merge with margarine and other non-dairy creamers.” It sounded like a grand scheme, but little does he know that Corsaire’s actually using him to take his father, Walter Steele, a supreme overlord of butter, out of the picture. Sounds like the plot of a terrible soap opera, right? Well, not until you find out where Steele took her for a seductive rendezvous…

you’ll be hard pressed to find a Lake Interlude in New Jersey.

If you’re thinking of pulling a Jeff Steele style merger, then you’re better off making a rez at The Loop Inn Motel, in beautiful Avenel, NJ.

Brittany Murphy is December’s Garden State Playmate

Posted on December 31, 2009 by sexyarmpit

The Sexy Armpit was extremely saddened by the recent death of actress Brittany Murphy. Although she was born in Georgia, she grew up in Edison, New Jersey. Murphy attended Herbert Hoover School in Edison, NJ and the Verne Fowler School of Dance in Colonia, NJ. At only 32 years old, Murphy was too young to die, but thankfully she left us with many memorable performances which may only receive the credit they deserve now that she’s not with us anymore. Life is kind of f-cked up isn’t it?

Many of us remember Brittany Murphy as Tai in 1995’s Clueless, but prior to that she appeared in Drexell’s Class, an episode of Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, as well as an appearance on Kids Incorporated among many other shows. Standout performances in Don’t Say a Word, 8 Mile, and Sin City finally helped garner Brittany Murphy some much deserved credit. You can say what you will about Just Married, but I saw it in the theater when it came out just based on her starring in it and I actually enjoyed it. She was dating her co-star Ashton Kutcher at the time and it definitely showed on screen. (Upon learning of her death, Kutcher tweeted “2day the world lost a little piece of sunshine…” and “see you on the other side kid.”) Since then Murphy continued acting in addition to lending her voice to Happy Feet, King of the Hill, and Futurama.

If you happened to see Abby Elliot do an impression of her on Saturday Night Live about a week before she passed away, then you know that Murphy was one of a kind and quirky. In many of her roles, Murphy evoked an innocent, loveable quality similar to Drew Barrymore’s demeanor while still being undeniably sexy. What’s most disappointing about her death, is that she won’t be able to celebrate the premiere of The Expendables, one of the most anticipated films of 2010, starring a who’s who of action stars. If the film is a success, her stock in Hollywood may have went up.

Back in 2005, everyone I knew was buzzing about how Brittany Murphy came back to Edison for the tree lighting ceremony and was given the key to the town. The NJ.com article reporting her death also mentions this event.

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 29: The Polar Express Stops in Maplewood, NJ

Posted on December 25, 2009 by sexyarmpit

If you were on board The Polar Express, would you really want to stop in New Jersey? Can you believe that Santa Claus (aka Schlatter Claus) actually has to bring presents to the kids in the toxic waste dump known as New Jersey? Santa would risk the chance of becoming a fat, red, radioactive, hairy beast. As you can see in this clip from 2004’s The Polar Express, Santa’s elves almost shitcan the idea of stopping in Maplewood, NJ, but the “big man” ultimately pusses out because he’s the nicest guy in the world.

This little punk bitch Steven from Maplewood put gum in his sisters hair and then acted like the lying brat that he is and couldn’t even own up to it. Steven repeated “I didn’t do it” over and over again. Whether I should be pissed at the creators and editors of The Polar Express, or if I should direct my anger toward the little annoying kid is irrelevant. Either way, this kid royally pisses me off. Why, why, why did they have to show that clip of “I didn’t do it” 5 times?? Are they serious? 5 f-cking times? Completely uncessary! I got the point after the first one, thanks. “I didnt do it” oh but you DID do it. You annoyed the Mumm-Ra ever living shit out of me. I want to smack this kid in the mouth with a spatula. Please cue Kool and the Gang’s latest track that they recorded just for me “Interrogation Time,” because if Steven didn’t do then I need some f’n answers. Hey Steven, who put the f’n gum in your sisters hair if you two were the only ones in the room at the time? You are the biggest f-cking liar! Stop blatantly denying that shit!

What’s with the elves sounding like they are from New Joisey? Apparently, Santa Claus is their Godfather figure or Tony Soprano take your pick. If there’s any truth to this then that means all of the wishes of all of the children around the world get filtered through the Garden state and then sent up to the North pole. Whether you are naughty or nice, the elves either say yay or “nah, f-ck that kid.” Remember when you wanted the Castle Grayskull playset for Christmas back in ’83? Remember how disappointed you were when you realized that it wasn’t under the Christmas tree? You can blame that on one of those made elves who ratted you out to Santa Claus about how you stole that little jerkoffs grape fruit roll-up at lunch time. Don’t even get me started on my Millennium Falcon fiasco! Let’s just say I was never able to recreate any of Han and Chewie’s space adventures all because of an incident involving artificial fruit and a cute little blonde girl. I’ll say no more. So, if you don’t get what you want from Santa Claus this year, blame it on the elves who run organized rat outs of naughty kids in NJ under the guise of waste management.

**There’s a lot more to be said about Maplewood, NJ’s place pop culture so stay tuned for future Armpit posts featuring this town!

Spirits Are Bright in South Plainfield, NJ

Posted on December 24, 2009 by sexyarmpit

“…you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination.”

– Clark Griswold, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)

I wonder if the folks over on Ritter Ave in South Plainfield, NJ had some Clark Griswold type inspiration or if they have just accumulated so many lawn decorations over the years that they said “f-ck it”and set them all up on the lawn? Judging by how much work was put into this Christmas display, I’d say these people are pretty damn inspired. The rays of yuletide cheer emanate from this front yard and the snow makes it look even more festive. Take a look at a few pictures I snapped with my iPhone. Look out for the giant size Grinch and Santa Claus blow-ups, and on the doorstep stands animatronic Mr. and Mrs. Claus figures who sing, talk, and dance.

Recently, I came across one of the most amazing websites that has conjured up so many memories from my childhood. Blowmoldsrus.webs.com features a history of illuminated blow mold Christmas decorations as well as a ton of amazing photos. To say that “everyone had these figures” is an understatement, especially because people are still putting out the same lighted Santa Claus and Frosty the Snowman figures that that have been putting out for the last 20 – 30 years. Ride around your neighborhood and I bet you’ll find at least a couple of houses with lawn decorations that are pictured over at Blow Molds R Us. According to the sites disclaimer, these figures aren’t made anymore and it’s a shame because they are probably considered antiques at this point. Man, I feel old!

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday Vol.32: Fist and/or Gas Pumping

Posted on December 22, 2009 by sexyarmpit

“We Don’t Pump Our Gas, We Pump Our Fists” & “Jersey Girls Don’t Pump Gas”

available at www.BurnTees.com

The theme today on NJ T-Shirt Tuesday is Gas. Not the sort that flatulates out of your bowels, but the kind that seems to fluctuate in price all the time. Coincidentally, New Jersey and Oregon are the only states that prohibit pumping your own gas and I’m fine with that. I couldn’t imagine getting out of my car and having to pump my own gas when it’s 15 degrees below zero with the wind chill. Call me spoiled, but the only way I’d be OK with doing such a maniacal thing is if I lived in a warm state. Then when it reaches 96 degrees in the summer and I’m freshly showered ready to head off to some swank restaurant like T.G.I Friday’s, I don’t want to present myself to the hostess beading with sweat. No antiperspirant can contain The Sexy Armpit. So, what do you think? Are you jealous that we don’t even have to leave the confines of our car and attendants are required to pump our gas for us? Or do you feel that NJ and Oregon have a good thing going and all the states should adopt the law? How many people think all states should outlaw guido fist pumping?

NJ Necklace Makes You an Official Guido!

Posted on December 20, 2009March 9, 2021 by sexyarmpit

The people who write the item descriptions over at Catbird obviously aced their sarcasm exam. Thanks to the mighty Robeast Rollie from Beauty and the Robeast for finding this gold New Jersey charm necklace when doing some online shopping recently. Here’s the mildly humorous description from the Catbirdnyc.com website:

“New Jersey! Wear it with PRIDE! So tiny, and shiny – lends an unexpected refinement to what is not generally known as the home of refined ladies.”

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 28: Dennis Miller on WWE Raw

Posted on December 17, 2009 by sexyarmpit

WWE Monday Night Raw has taken a nose dive ever since they started with this special guest host garbage. Grabbing low tier celebs in attempts to surge ratings is a piss poor stunt. Whatever happened to improving storylines, actually training talent instead of just throwing them on TV, and instead of bragging about being the “longest running weekly episodic television show in history,” a factoid they announce ad nauseum, why not prove it on the show? Monday Night Raw used to have literally epic stuff happening. When WWF was ailing in the mid ’90s, before Stone Cold and The Rock brought a big boom back to the wrestling biz, WWF Monday Night Raw was revolutionary wrestling programming. The last few years Raw has plummeted and last Monday’s episode did not help to raise the bar.

You too can be guest host of Monday Night Raw, but only if you have something to promote. Dennis Miller was promoting USA Cares, the non profit group that provides financial assistance to military families, which he’s the spokesperson for. From a programming standpoint, there was no better time to feature Miller on the show since WWE’s Tribute to the Troops airs this week. Also, many viewers watching may be more apt to donate money during the holidays. While I’m on the subject of things unrelated to wrestling, Dennis Miller’s weak shtick was chock full of random, forced pop references. Name dropping Amy Winehouse, Courtney Love, and MTV’s Jersey Shore all in the same joke was kind of a stretch. Half of the fans in the arena in Corpus Christi, Texas that night weren’t even alive when Hole was popular. Now Jersey Shore on the other hand really grabs people.

Miller also made another reference to New Jersey as he sent a dig to Mr. McMahon. Miller said “Vince will be at The Chuckle House this Friday, Route 67 in Paramus New Jersey.” The best thing about New Jersey is that no matter whether it’s Saturday Night Live or WWE Raw, New Jersey almost always provides a winning punchline. I don’t care if we are the brunt of all the jokes because it provides me with more fodder.

If you Google “The Chuckle House Paramus New Jersey,” you won’t find any info on a comedy club in New Jersey. As much the NJ connoisseur that I am, I could not find any info on The Chuckle House. This may have been a comedy club back in the day, or it still operates with absolutely no web presence whatsoever, which is unheard of. Of course, there’s the other possibility that Miller just made this joint up out of thin air. Although, in case you were wondering, Route 67 is a real road in NJ.

Instead of being relevant to the wrestling industry, the guest hosts have been B-list celebs and people who aren’t even connected with the Raw audience. Wouldn’t logic dictate that they should feature WWE HOF wrestlers, managers, valets, and former commentators as guest hosts? I can understand if a celebrity plays into a storyline, but asking a guest host to be on the show just for the hell of it or to get onto more headlines on the Internet is a good ploy, but really f-cking stupid. Since Miller has veered toward politics rather than making people laugh, he seems like an odd choice for guest host. I’m happy they teased the upcoming appearance of Bret “The Hitman” Hart hosting Raw since he’s an icon in the business. That leaves me with only one question: Where the f-ck is Craig DeGeorge?!?!?! Now he’s my choice for guest host!