Imaginext: Jersey Devil?

Imaginext Fuzzy Dragon

While strolling through the toy aisles at the local Wal-Mart, I came across this Imaginext toy which bared a striking resemblance to a certain cryptid from NJ. I couldn’t decide whether Imaginext’s Fuzzy Dragon was inspired by The Jersey Devil or a reject puppet from Eureeka’s Castle.

Imaginext Fuzzy Dragon

The Fisher-Price brand, Imaginext, has done a superb job with their toy line. If I was a kid right now, I’d have their DC Super Heroes, Pirates, and Space toys all on my Christmas wish list. After a full examination of Fuzzy, I snapped some pics with the iPhone and then headed home to continue my investigation. My research lead me to the official Imaginext website where I discovered there was yet another dragon that resembled The Jersey Devil! In fact, they offer an entire line of Dragons!

Here’s the Six-legged Dragon:

6 legged Dragon

Sure, Fuzzy and Six-legs can be construed as run of the mill dragons, but with a minor stretch of the imagination, these two dragons can easily qualify as Jersey Devils. Clearly, Fisher-Price did not want to tarnish their awesome toy line with an association to New Jersey.

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 31: Apparently, We Go Hard

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I cannot tell a lie. I stole this pic off a friends Facebook page. This is a total violation of privacy and a downright shitty thing to do. In fact, I don’t even know how I could possibly face this person after I pulled such an irreverent stunt like this. But, when Tuesday rolls around and there’s t-shirts that need posting, then drastic measures have to be taken. How much of a jerkoff am I? T H I S M U C H! I don’t care though, because according to the tee in the pic above, here in Jersey, we go hard. Dammit, that is such a lame saying, but I guess it’s better than going soft!  (face was sludged to protect the innocent)

Schlatter Claus is Comin’ to Town!

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Can you hear the bells jingling? I sure can. I also hear The Boss singing those iconic lyrics “You’d better watch out, you’d better not cry, you’d better not pout I’m tellin’ you why…Schlatter Claus is Comin’ to Town…Schlatter Claus is Comin’ to Town…Schlatter Claus is Comiiin’ toooo town.”

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During the Christmas season there’s plenty of jaded kids all around the world who are questioning the existence of Schlatter Claus. After the short lived Ferris Bueller TV series left a bad taste in people’s mouths, Schlatter Claus went into hiding. I really don’t know why he was so ashamed of himself, I thought the show was pretty damn good. I remember watching it and that’s where I first saw Jennifer Aniston. When Friends became mega popular I used to say, “Hey isn’t that Jeannie Bueller?” But, I wouldn’t go so far as to say that Jennifer Aniston is more popular than Charlie Schlatter because that would be completely untrue. OK, so Jennifer Aniston makes it onto the front cover of People magazine, big deal. Literally billions of kids around the world write letters and fan mail to Schlatter Claus every year, so I’d say Schlatter Claus wins that one hands down. I also had a huge crush on Ami Dolenz at the time, but I should stay focused or I’ll go on a tangent about how funny it would be to have a Monkee for a dad. Alas, I’m here to tell you that Schlatter Claus is 100% f-cking real, and he actually IS coming to town! Well, only if you have a DVD player or Netflix that is.

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My man Schlatter Claus was born in Fairlawn, NJ (Englewood, NJ in IMDB), but he’s not just stopping in Jersey to drop off gifts, he’s making sure he visits all of your homes this Christmas. You don’t even have to rely on him coming only ONE day a year because he’s starred in a enough memorable ’80s TV shows and movies to entertain you, not only during Christmas time, but all year long. His film credits include Bright Lights, Big City, 18 Again (step aside Zack Efron!), Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, The Delinquents, and even Miss Cast Away featuring a cameo by Michael Jackson. Schlatter went on to concentrate on doing voice work in animated shows such as playing The Flash in The Batman and Superman:The Animated Series as well as various other characters in cartoons such as Sonic the Hedgehog, Captain Planet & the Planeteers, Kim Possible, Bratz, Butt Ugly Martians, and Loonatics Unleashed. Schlatter Claus also voiced characters in a slew of video games like Spiderman 3, Metal Gear Solid 3, Everquest 2, and Punisher. Remember kids, Schlatter Claus will only come to visit your house if you’ve been good girls and boys, so you better be good for goodness sake, and that means NOT insulting the Ferris Bueller TV show!

Someone Will Get This Tonight…

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Is this classy, or what? This is how we do it in Jersey.

I’m basically a hermit, so asking me to go to your gift swapping party is almost like asking me to venture into the massive crowd in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. I wouldn’t say I have a case of social anxiety, but I’m definitely the polar opposite of Randal Graves in Clerks, who hates people but loves gatherings.
What you see above is The Sexy Armpit’s “Beat The Meat” gift basket, and one unsuspecting guest will tear open a ghetto looking package wrapped in A Christmas Story paper, only to see that this is their gift. I’m seriously hoping some random middle aged woman with a reindeer sweater winds up being the recipient of this, the ultimate gift basket.
The BTM gift basket’s versatility proves to be the mark of just how amazing this gift really is. If a dude is lucky enough to pick the number and rip into this one, he’ll most likely be ecstatic. If a chick opens this, she’ll most likely say “Oh my gawd…I’ve been meaning to buy a meat tenduhryza!” (That’s apparently how we talk here in Jersey) and be genuinely excited to have another kitchen utensil to add to their collection. But then there’s other girls who will nonchalantly mumble a raunchy comment about how they could take the entire summer sausage with no problems, and then, naturally, saying “I’m just kidding!…” but they aren’t. If an older woman gets the basket, they’ll most likely be fairly disgusted at how smutty of an idea this was and whoever came up with it should burn in hell, even in this time of joy and peace. Ahh well, they’ll make the sign of the cross and then it’ll be done with, all the while remembering fondly their college days when they were able to take 2 of those summer sausages with ease. If an older guy gets the BTM gift basket, without hesitation, he’ll be making his way to the DVD player as soon as the other people start concentrating on the next person opening their gift. After that, he’s in the bathroom doing himself dirty. Finally, I just hope there’s no kids opening presents tonight, but their parents have probably been meaning to give them “the talk,” and they’ll be seeing it sooner or later anyway.
So, if you go to any gift swapping parties this year, remember to give the gift of meat and breasts this holiday season with The Sexy Armpit’s “Beat The Meat” gift basket.

Randy “The Ram” Robinson, Caricature by Kirsten Ulve

“Fresh as monkey’s breath, brother!” – Randy “The Ram” Robinson

If you have watched HBO in the past few weeks, you probably witnessed about 962 airings of The Wrestler. I’m not complaining at all since the 2008 drama is one of my favorite films ever. Not only is it a Jersey film, but it’s also one of Mickey Rourke’s grandest achievements as an actor.

Posted above is artist Kirsten Ulve’s caricature of Randy “The Ram” Robinson in his ring attire which was printed in the November 8th ’08 issue of Entertainment Weekly. If you would like to check out some awe inspiring art, make a stop at Kirsten Ulve’s website. There you’ll find galleries of her illustrations and caricatures, all of which define the term eye candy. www.kirstenulve.com

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 27: Anger Management

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Jack Nicholson should never retire from acting. In the case that he does feel like hanging up that devilish, 10 mile wide smile of his and quit the acting biz, then I’d absolutely love for him to begin offering anger management therapy for all of us enraged, pent up, people from Jersey. I could deal without stopping my car in the middle of a bridge and singing “I Feel Pretty” from West Side Story, but perhaps since Jack’s a fellow Jersey guy, he’d be able to offer me some insight. The deep breath and count to 10 thing just ain’t cuttin’ it. I’ll settle for just watching the DVD of Anger Management, which proves to be an amusing distraction, albeit, one that can only momentarily remedy my agitation.

Premiering to mixed reviews, I feel that Anger Management succeeds thanks to its fine cast including Sandler, Nicholson, the ever sexy Marisa Tomei, Woody Harrelson, Kevin Nealon, John Turturro, Luis Guzman and a host of awesome cameos. To top it off, they even managed to throw in a reference to New Jersey! In this scene, Andrew (Allen Covert), a well endowed douchebag who’s crazy about Marisa Tomei, is enjoying a drink with her as Dave (Sandler) walks into the bar:
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DAVE: “…Not that crowded here tonight, you would think it would be packed.”
ANDREW: “Actually, I rented the place out. I just figured it would be more fun if it was just us Brown alumni. Where did you go to college again, Dave?”
DAVE:Trenton Community College.”
While there are several colleges in Trenton, such as Mercer County Community College and Thomas Edison State College, there is no actual school named Trenton Community College. Before changing its name to The College of New Jersey and moving to Ewing, NJ, it was named Trenton State College.
I identified with this film, because all Dave (Sandler) needed to do to avoid getting wrapped up in anger therapy was know how to keep his mouth shut. To the surprise of no one, that is something that Jersey people have an insanely hard time doing. Growing up, all I heard from teachers, and on TV was that we need to “express ourselves,” and “speak our minds,” because after all, “you are entitled to your opinion!” Then the minute we open our mouths to do that we’re automatically accused of being rabble-rousers. Who am I kidding? I wouldn’t take an anger management class if Jack Nicholson was teaching it in full Joker makeup and costume. Well, that’s a blatant lie and a total exaggeration. But not having some sort of edge or chip on your shoulder sort of seems like you might as well be spayed or neutered.
Nicholson grew up in Neptune City, NJ and attended Manasquan High School so it would be a fine way to give back to the community. I could see Jack now in his slyest demeanor…
JACK: “Does anyone have any questions about today’s lesson?”
STUDENT: “Yeah I do…what about that time you were on a murderous bloodthirsty rampage holding an axe and trying to kill the innocent Shelly Duvall? You seemed really fucking incensed! What was that all about?”
JACK: “Acting my good man…merely some fine acting. NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 29: Richie Sambora – You Can Go Home

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Jon Bon Jovi is a philanthropy snob. Obviously, there are worse things one can be, like perhaps the lead singer of a New Jersey rock band who now sounds like he’s a cowboy from Tennessee. How do you think the laid back, good time guitarist Richie Sambora feels every time Jon Bon Jovi donates $385 bazillion dollars to charity? It seems insurmountable to live up to that lofty standard, but Richie’s latest endeavor is quite praiseworthy.
Recently, Richie Sambora created You Can Go Home, a fundraising campaign for Kelly Mahon, a Woodbridge High School student in New Jersey who is afflicted with a brain tumor. Richie is one of the only celebrities ever to graduate from Woodbridge High School (besides me of course) and he felt compelled to give back to his hometown. According to the official You Can Go Home website, the original campaign raised over $75,000 for Kelly’s family which helped offset the tremendous medical bills.
For nearly two years, Kelly has been confined to the hospital for the majority of the time, but is now cleared to go home for overnight visits. In preparation for Kelly’s visits back home, The Mahon Family needed to renovate their entire house for wheelchair accessibility. Sambora personally financed all the renovations so Kelly could be reunited with her family in their home for the first time since she was admitted to the hospital in 2007.
Richie Sambora is offering a line of merch and the profits from which will provide further funding to aid Kelly in her recovery. Even if you’re not a Bon Jovi fan, this is for a good cause so head over to the website and make a purchase!

We’re Rated #1 in CRIME baby!

Can’t seem to think of something you are thankful for? Here’s an obvious one: YOU PROBABLY DON’T LIVE IN CAMDEN! Yesterday, in the ritzy “City Crime Rankings,” cqpress.com reported that Camden, NJ, has the highest crime rate in the country.

It’s a huge win for Camden since last year they were ranked #2! This year, Camden worked diligently and battled back to snag the #1 spot. At this point, New Jersey has so many feathers to put in their cap that I’m pretty sure that cap is going to fall off pretty soon. We have the most toxic waste, insane traffic, expensive tolls, unquestionably the most obnoxious people, the worst basketball team, and now we’re officially home to the most dangerous city in the U.S. You can grab the widget on the left at cqpress.com.

Jersey’s Own Soda

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I read about Jersey’s Own Soda‘s in a magazine almost a year ago. Since then, my purpose in life has been to taste every flavor. Almost a year has passed and I totally forgot about trying to get a hold of a few bottles. They are only available in a short list of stores in Jersey, so not seeing them in a local 7-11, and not being bombarded with advertisements caused me to easily forget them.
Recently, I remembered to visit the company’s website so I placed an order. Of course, I had to order every flavor they had available. The flavor offering doesn’t consist of the typical fare like Cola, or Orange, nope, all the names are Jersey related. It’s a cool gimmick for myself, and the 16 other people who read this blog, dig obscure beverages, and actually revere this state for some reason. Unfortunately, I was disappointed because these are just bottles of soda with the Jersey’s Own sticker slapped onto them.
After ordering a complete set of flavors, I waited close to 2 months to receive the shipment. The owner explained that there was a glitch in their system or something along those lines. Whatever, it didn’t matter since I was really excited to sample some new sodas. I was under the impression that they might be something special or different than other brands on the shelves. I was definitely wrong, except for one of the flavors, which I’ll get to shortly.
My main gripe with Jersey’s Own Soda is that they are plain old run of the mill sodas. The latest trend in soft drinks is that healthier is in. Many of the companies are touting their use of cane sugar and other natural ingredients in their drinks because of how satanic high fructose corn syrup is. I hear it actually causes you to piss out of your nipples and poop out your nose. What are they thinking using high fructose corn syrup? Shit, they might as well be a frigging store brand like Dr. Thunder or Mountain Lightning.


Here’s a breakdown of the flavors, all imported from New Jersey, and infused with all natural toxins:
Passaic River Punch – the only flavor that impressed me. At first glance, you’ll notice why the name is humorous. Passaic River Punch is a murky green color, almost as if you were gulping down handfuls of water from the polluted river, which is home to many a mutated fish. I was surprised at how much I enjoyed this punch, because aside from the random trip to Taco Bell for a cool Baja Blast, I rarely drink soda. And that’s the nearest comparison I have for you. From what I gather, Baja Blast is made up of pineapple and lime flavors and that’s the only guess I have as to what this bold and refreshing mystery flavor consists of.
Route 46 Root Beer – One of the better tasting entries in the collection. This brew was bordering on being too sweet and had subtle hints of Vanilla, just like many of the great Root Beers out there, but I wanted it to be creamier.
Jersey Devil-Berry – The 2nd original flavor of the bunch pays tribute to the Jersey cryptid. I don’t understand why it’s blue though. I would have preferred a blood red soda to rep J.D, wouldn’t you think? Maybe it was cheaper to buy the banned blue food coloring? They should have just used a knock off of Mountain Dew Code Red or even a generic Fruit Punch Soda. Better yet, an angry, devilish soda that tastes like the Fireball candies. But nooooo, that would have been too perfect, right? If you’re thinking this tasted like Pepsi Blue, don’t, because it doesn’t taste anywhere near as good as that crap. Consider this a teeth rotting melange of Blueberry Windex and Raspberry Ajax.
Bada-Bing Black Cherry – A fun fact: In the Sopranos, none of the dancers at Bada Bing were cherries. Regardless, Bada-Bing Black Cherry works ridiculously better as a fun play on words or as the answer to a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune than it does a soda. Unlike hanging out for a night at Satin Dolls, this soda was just medicore.
South Orange – It seems like the soda namers at Jersey’s Own Beverages gave up on the naming process by this point. The home of Seton Hall University also serves as an appropriate name for Orange soda, except this one is the runt of the litter. Not sure if they were trying to go for a tangerine vibe or even a tangelo, I have no clue. The orange flavor was weak and so inaccurate. You are better off grabbing a can of Shop-Rite brand Orange soda.
Jersey’s Own Soda has the cliche phrase that is synonomous with Jersey, “How You Doin’,” printed on the label. I think it’s cool that we’re such a marketable state that we’ve got our very own soda, but for a higher quality soft drink experience, I recommend Boylan’s. They have the popular vote for being Jersey’s best soda, hands down. They’ve been doing it since 1891! Check them out at www.boylanbottling.com. Do yourself a favor and get your hands on a bottle of their renowned Creamy Red Birch Beer, it’s glorious.