Sludge Central

Ice Breakers Lemon Iced Tea Mints

Posted on June 10, 2008 by sexyarmpit

It’s been so blazingly hot here in New Jersey that my writing powers were slowly depleting until I found some inspiration from a package of mints. I found these Ice Breakers Sugar Free Lemon Iced Tea flavored mints while on line at the grocery store. Iced Tea has always been my favorite beverage…that is…whenever I run out of everclear.

As far as I know, Fresca, prune juice, and Kaopectate are NOT the official drinks of suburbia. I would say the reigning king of libations in suburbia especially in the’80s was Kool-Aid, but in my household it was most definitely Iced Tea. If anyone ranging from a friend to a washing machine repair man walked into my house, my mom offered them iced tea as if they were homeless and hadn’t had any liquid pass through their bodies in a decade. Of course the hospitality never ended there but as it pertains to this article, if we compared the scenario to a religious ceremony iced tea was the liquid of the Gods. To the shock and outrage of many people, I’m not a big fan of bread which renders me “staff of life deficient,” so I must compensate with plenty of Iced Tea.

As for gum, I don’t chew Ice Breakers that often because I don’t really need little mint crystals in my gum. I do enjoy mints and seeing this fine product hit the shelves only made me realize there’s a lack of beverage flavored mints. Although, when the revolution of drink based breath fresheners does commence, I pray mints all over the world model their flavors off of these. Then take cover because mouth explosions will take place everywhere.

These Lemon Iced Tea mints bear a surprisingly accurate taste to the real thing. Plus, any product that boasts “Ultimate Mouth Freshening” must be pretty damn effective. I think part of me really enjoyed these because they aren’t just a run of the mill mint with a typical flavor. I commend Ice Breakers for taking a chance on a cool new flavor while keeping them sugar free. It also doesn’t hurt that they remind me of the old style certs. Has anyone tried these yet?

If Things Never Got Cold

Posted on June 5, 2008 by sexyarmpit

The summer is approaching and the weather is heating up. Man, I can’t describe how much I take my central air for granted as I sit in an 83 degree condo. We already know what happens when it gets hot since we’ve heard it in a ton of songs. Gonna Make You Sweat, Hot in Herre, Hotter Than Hell, Feelin’ Hot, Hot, Hot. Even the poor misunderstood Paris said “That’s hot.” But what happens if things didn’t ever get cold? Those iconic songs and quotes will seem like a Nostradamus prophecy.

For Van Winkle’s sake we wouldn’t have Ice Ice Baby
And the nipples wouldn’t get hard on your lady
There would be no cubes to drop in her drink
After you slip those roofies to get to into her pink
How would hockey players skate in the rink?
Want to go see the rollerblade capades? It’s fun, I swear!
Kids wouldn’t get to savor snow days, it wouldn’t be fair!
Freeky Freezies would be well…um…just plain freaky
But I’d still have the hots for Emmanuelle Chriqui
Jack Torrance wouldn’t have been frozen in the maze
Too Cold, Too Cold…it’s the phrase that pays
and that badass will lose his ice cold gaze
Say hello to your new chief of staff Johnny Blaze
It’s a cream truck now since it lost it’s “Ice”
it’s the worst occurrence since Bo B… (oops! no “ice”)
You’ll never have to break the ice or pretend to be nice
You wouldn’t be “iced out” so there’d be no name for jewelry in hip hop
although shorts would still be acceptable on that hot cop
Think about it…Icee’s would turn into Meltees
and you’d have no use for cold eeze.
IMDB wouldn’t acknowledge Arnold’s turn as Mr. Freeze
Unfortunately not much would change with Ree-Yees
What would I do in suburbia without iced tea?
Could we still play We Ski for the Wii?
No icebergs, so the Titanic wouldn’t sink
it’s a scorcher out there, so have yourself a warm drink
Fughetabout Fla-vor-ice you freaks
And NO ICE in 9 1/2 weeks 🙁
Hey look what’s not freezing…the stream of piss as you’re taking a leak. Goodbye to that Hoth planet. Take more clothes off! Dammit Janet! Freeze tag reverts back to the plain old tag, and you’ll never need de-icer on the windshield of your brand new jag. David Blaine ain’t living in a block of ice in New York, and the Yeti has gone into hiding and feels like a total dork. Your pillow is never cold when you lay down your head and the toilet seat is never cold when you sit your ass on the head. To think i can’t even call Lacie Heart HOT anymore but at least we’ll still have our memories of the cold war. Cool ice sculptures would become no more than a spill on the floor.

In the middle of the 3rd period there was a big hit on center puddle and on the football field you won’t see the players breath in the huddle. If you’re desperately wishing for a blizzard, you’ll have to go see the wizard. He’ll also give you a melting klondike bar, figure out what you want to do with it. Maybe you’ll eat it with Iceman Tom Kazansky, you know he can chomp down on that shit. From Chily Willy to Frosty the Snowman and Cookie Puss to Fudgie the Whale it’s all over for them, hammer their coffin with a nail. Icy Hot is still in business no surprise. What the heck are Eskimo pies? Freezing over? What’s with all those lies?
Tourism to Hell is on the rise. Global Warming can suck my d–k, how about 2 nice big snow balls to lick?

We’d experience hot season never “cold season.” Your assets would never get frozen. You’re girl would never complain that it was too cold to take her clothes off. Not only during the holidays would our hearts be warm. Paula Abdul would be missing a hit “Cold Hearted Snake.” And kids wouldn’t fall through a half frozen lake. Never again would a Wendy’s frosty touch your lips, or a 7-11 Slurpee tingle your tongue.

The cliché a cold day in hell would become obsolete. The cryogenic chamber scene in Austin Powers would be edited out of the film. Erased from existence…much like Marty might have been. “What is it hot?“ no cold…damn cold. Not anymore. Leftovers such as Meatloaf would spoil, even if it’s in a deep freeze and riding a motorcycle. You’d now have more of a reason to cover up the fact that Snow Job was your favorite G.I Joe character. Al Snow..well…you can call him “Al”…you must. Skiing and snowboarding would be pretty asinine. The popular pastime of Snowballing…well that would still happen since temperature isn’t really involved. But I would imagine it’s fairly warm.

Tone Loc still can’t remember how her made his medina cold. Wanna kill someone? Damn sure it won’t be in cold blood. Everyone would want to perform in front of large crowds cause they’ll never get cold feet. The band Hot Hot Heat record an updated version of the national anthem. The people of Alaska and and the Arctic polar bears would have year long yub-yub type celebrations. This just in: Steve Austin brings back “Stunning” moniker. Bruce Springsteen will get hit with a 10th avenue melt out. Oh, and about that new horror film that came out this week…if it was a few years ago…critics would’ve hailed it as “Chilling.” You’d always be able to find shit that people have hidden on you. Guess where your birthday gift is? You’re warm…you’re geting hot…you’re burning up…you’re on frickin’ fire! Wow, this is easy! Maybe sitting in this 83 degree condo isn’t so bad after all.

Stone Temple Pilots at the PNC Bank Arts Center Review 5/31/08

Posted on June 1, 2008 by sexyarmpit

With all his Jagger-esque strutting, and hair streaked glowing pink, you would never have guessed that Scott Weiland was a high school football player. On the other hand, when you hear him slur incoherent song introductions it’s easy to guess that this man has had and possibly still has a drug problem. Fresh off his ousting as lead singer of Velvet Revolver, Scott Weiland joined his former band mates for a Stone Temple Pilots reunion tour. Tonight, their show stopped here in Holmdel N.J at the PNC Bank Arts Center, a dreaded venue for us locals. Parking is free, although you need to hop on a school bus that takes you all the way up the hill and through the woods to the venue. Want to take a leak? Good luck. Should’ve pissed in the woods while you were tailgating! There’s 2 sets of bathrooms and a couple of porto-johns, and each of the lines are a quarter of a mile long.

Managing to look past all the negatives about the amphitheater, it was sort of a homecoming for brothers Dean DeLeo (guitarist) and Robert DeLeo (bassist) who hail from N.J (Glen Ridge to be exact, which is still about an hour north of the PNC Bank Arts Center.) The crowd was getting anxious after the band took an hour and a half to come on stage and start their set. Trust me, you get a little stir crazy when the only entertainment you have is watching people’s inane text messages scroll across the screens. (“I brought my bong in and didn’t get caught,” “Does anyone have papers?” “Scream if you want Metallica to tour the United States,” “There is water at the bottom of the ocean,” it seemed that one person texted the entire Talking Heads Once in a Lifetime song, “Splitcase,” a band reviewed here at the Sexy Armpit and last but not least “The Sexy Armpit loves you” of course I have no idea who sent that one in…)

The concert seemed to build up steam the longer it went on. I can’t understand why they opened this show with “Big Empty.” It’s one of my favorite tracks, but it’s fairly mellow and not a good way to kick off a show. Maybe it was their plan to start off slow and ease into it. Come to think of it, that’s not a bad idea…I’ll keep that in mind. The band sounded great, albeit a little sluggish perhaps. Ever since their appearance on Jimmy Kimmel it seemed they were playing some of the tracks a bit slower. It’s possible they’re doing it to accommodate Weiland if his singing hasn’t been up to snuff.

Long time fans of STP would not be disappointed with their song choice. They performed all of their hits and a handful of lesser heard tracks. The set list is ever changing since their website is letting fans vote for songs they would like to hear at the specific show they’re attending. We got to hear it all from “Down,” to “Trippin’ on a Hole in a Paper Heart.” I would’ve liked to have heard some of my favorites like “Hollywood Bitch,” and “Silvergun Superman,” but no such luck. Highlights for me included their classic songs like “Vasoline” and “Creep.” Not just because it’s a huge song of theirs but I think “Plush” sounded the tightest and most crisp out of all the songs performed. It was played in the middle of the setlist so it really seemed like the pinnacle of the show. I enjoyed the DeLeo brothers cover of the O’Jays “For the Love of Money.” but only wished Scott would’ve jumped in and started singing. It’s the type of song you wouldn’t expect them to play and that’s exactly why I dug it. All the shows on the tour have been wrapping with “Dead and Bloated.” Another odd choice for their only encore and last song.

Weiland is a dynamic front man but I must say, he seemed way more amped up when he was onstage with Velvet Revolver. He seemed like he was having a blast with Slash and all the rock riffs. Maybe it was the drugs? Now during this STP reunion he’s in some kind of a funk. Aside from a few steps of his Jagger dancing he seemed like he was on ambien.

There’s no question that STP made a big impact on rock music. They’ll always own their chunk of rock history but the amplifications of their reunion haven’t reached the magnitude I thought they might have. There’s a lot of fans out there, myself included, who are still pissed off about Weiland leaving Velvet Revolver. I don’t have much doubt that VR will continue on successfully but will STP? They’re working on a new CD, but shouldn’t they have released a new single to coincide with their reunion tour?

Super Hero Dance Sequences

Posted on May 30, 2008 by sexyarmpit

OK, so this article is a bit BAT-HEAVY but these entries deserve to be on the list! Feel free to leave a comment with any ones I forgot! I know there’s many others, but here’s the most notable ones…

Spider Man 3 – Upon its release I remember there being quite an uproar that Sam Raimi decided to feature a dance sequence in a Super Hero movie. I’ll sling myself out on a web here and risk my reputation by saying that I actually enjoyed this part of the film. You have to remember that Peter was still in the black suit and it was doing weird primal stuff to his psyche. So naturally, the way that it manifested itself was by jazz dancing with a hot blonde. Who better to piss off your ex-girlfriend with than Gwen Stacy! While jazz dancing! C’mon, lighten up…it was fun.

Smallville actually seemed to have “bit” off Spider Man 3 or “taken the lead” from it so to speak. In season 7, Chloe, one of the best characters in the show, goes and hangs out at a club and heats things up with Jimmy Olsen on the dance floor.
Mystery Men – Perhaps it’s not a classic superhero movie but it was hard to resist. In yet another brilliant role, Geoffrey Rush plays criminal mastermind Casanova Frankenstein. We hear the Bee Gee’s Night Fever, and see the gigundo disco ball hanging from the ceiling while Casanova takes it all in: “Ah The old disco room, just as I left it…” His cohort Tony, played by Eddie Izzard, prances around disco dancing and doing the macarena. He later proclaims “Disco is NOT Dead!”
Plastic Man Cartoon – I don’t know if you’re on board but I had really fond memories of watching Plas as a kid. It was such a fun show! Plas was accompanied by his cute blonde girlfriend Penny, his Hawaiian best bud Hula Hula, and Baby Plas. Here‘s part of the intro of the show where Plas boogies down: “…he can spring…he can stretch..he can fly…he can bounce…he can change his shape…and he can even dance!” Plastic Man doesn’t get enough accolades. He’s one of the better comical super heroes and that combo usually doesn’t work well but it does for him! I always thought Jim Carrey would be an awesome choice to play Plastic Man in a movie.
Batman Returns – Michael Keaton and the super smoking hot Michelle Pfieffer slow dance to Siouxsie and the Banshees’ haunting Face to Face while having the type of conversation I’ve only dreamed of having with Catwoman. “Mistletoe could be deadly if you eat it…A kiss could be even deadlier.”

Batman 1996 TV episode Hi Diddle Riddle – Rules went out the window for Batman in the ’60s. Batman was not only getting a little wacky in the comic books but also on prime time TV. Adam West’s brilliantly dry portrayal of Batman gets alot of flack and it may mostly be due to the fact that he wasn’t afraid to dance the “Batusi.”

Return to the Batcave – Adam West and Julie Newmar get together for old time sake in this made for TV reunion to dance one last Batusi.

New Jersey has the Worst Drivers in the Country!

Posted on May 28, 2008 by sexyarmpit

At least we don’t have to wonder anymore if we were being needlessly persecuted. It’s for real. New Jersey has the WORST DRIVERS in the United States! According to a GMAC Insurance survey, which by the way was unscientific, New Jersey came in LAST PLACE with a mind boggling score of 69.9! With a score like that it’s no wonder what people are thinking of while driving of instead of the road. I feel like this epiphany has added to the solidification of New Jersey as possibly the most retarded state in the country. Thanks to all the morons on the roads in N.J, we all have to pay the highest car insurance rates in the country. A word to the mutants who took this incriminating survey: STOP taking these damn surveys because it’ll only show your stupidity and make NJ look worse! And for the honor of Grayskull please stop driving like an ass or take the f’n train! 69.9…leave it to N.J!

Doritos: The Quest for a Better Flavor!

Posted on May 28, 2008 by sexyarmpit

When I’m in the snack aisle, I never pass up a new flavor of Doritos. It’s a wonder how a shiny bag of tortilla chips can give me tunnel vision. I dread making trips to the grocery store so I welcome any glimpse of a product never before seen by my eyes. If it’s a new character that has it’s own fruit snack or a new kids cereal, either way I usually get all wrapped up in the moment.

After stockpiling boxes of Wheatables, my latest obsession, I was stopped in my tracks like I was in quicksand (or quickmud if you’ve seen Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull!) I scanned the shelves of chips and came to a mysterious black bag. This was a variety of Doritos that I’ve never seen before. The front of the bag read “The Quest: Guessing the Flavor is just the Beginning.” As soon as I got home I had to rip into the bag. I couldn’t help myself. Every time I buy something new at the store I feel like I wish I could just open up my stomach and put the stuff inside rather than having to go through all the work of chewing and swallowing. Sometimes all those steps waste valuable time.

After the official first sniff, I threw the first chip in my mouth. They had a fairly sweet, but semi-radioactive odor. When the chip first hit my mouth I thought they were trying to replicate the taste I get in my mouth when I drive on the N.J Turnpike, which is pretty much what raw sewage and toxic chemicals would taste like. I’m exaggerating a little bit of course, but they didn’t taste good at all. What did I do? Did I throw the entire bag away? Heck no, I did what we all do…I kept shoveling them down even though they sucked ass. I’m pretty sure they’re supposed to be a Spicy Lime chip, which in my mind is completely off the wall. I’m a huge fan of Lime Gatorade Rain but it stops there. Perhaps a lime in my Gin and Tonic but anything further than that is unnecessary. Bud Light Lime? C’mon! Nowadays it seems everything but my toothpaste is lime flavored. I can’t say I enjoy my Dorito chips with a dusting of Lime powder. Not a fan. I blame Corona for putting Limes over big time.

This whole gimmick reminded me of last year when Doritos came out with a mystery flavor that tasted like Cheeseburgers in a similar black bag. What the heck are they thinking? You’re supposed to wager a guess at their site Snack Strong Productions. Come to think of it, I don’t even know if they announced that the last flavor was actually Cheeseburger but it sure as hell tasted like it. (Ok..I just checked Wikipedia, and I WAS F’n RIGHT!) Why should we have to guess the shitty flavor their food flavoring geniuses came up with if they don’t even plan on giving us the answer. I wasted time logging onto their lame site to play the game but I couldn’t figure it out. Then again, contrary to popular belief, I have a life. Rather than sitting there trying to type in random flavor guesses I opted to write an entry about how crappy the mystery flavor was. Now that’s productive! Are they too scared to come up with a definitive flavor and put it out on shelves? Is it just me or were there better Dorito flavors in the ’80s? I’m sure these silly “guess the flavor” limited editions will last as long as the Salsa Rio flavor. RIP Salsa Rio! I Miss you!

Six Flags Dark Knight Coaster: A HUGE LETDOWN

Posted on May 26, 2008 by sexyarmpit

If you’re into the whole brevity thing and you simply can’t stand my never-ending tangents, then here’s the short version: I’ve had more exciting rides on a compact John Deere Gator. Better yet…I’ve taken my life in my hands on numerous occasions reaching speeds 30 to 40 times faster than the Dark Knight Coaster on my Mongoose BMX bike. And yes, you CAN ride on my pegs.

A new ride at a local amusement park is usually pretty damn exciting. It gives us even more motivation to flock to the park and shell out zillions on season passes, parking passes, hopper passes, etc. This season, Six Flags Great Adventure in N.J capitalized on the popularity of the Batman Begins sequel, The Dark Knight, and threw up a dark ride in it’s honor. Naturally, like any die hard insane Bat-Fan, I needed to ride it.

I got there before the park opened because I knew I wasn’t going to want to stay in line for an hour and a half to ride it. Even though it was the Dark Knight, I don’t have the patience that I used to. Waiting for Kingda Ka was the biggest letdown because we must’ve waited 2 hours for a ride that seemed to last 7 seconds. The anticipation was high judging by how fast everyone sprinted to the Dark Knight as soon as the security guards let down the rope to get into the rest of the park. Don’t you hate it when you’re in a holding pattern in an amusement park waiting for it to open and you realize people actually work there and it isn’t just a fantasy world? There’s guys filling cold cases with soda and iced tea, opening up the doors to the various memorabilia and candy stores, and others are sweeping up. I always thought that stuff was done by the amusement park fairies that live in the old Victorian house at the front gate.

For young park visitors, the Dark Knight is a fun attraction but for the majority of people expecting a thrill ride similar to the Aerosmith Rock n Roller Coaster, they’ll surely be disappointed. It’s the most boring, lame, and uneventful ride in the park. I didn’t have to wait on line, but if you do you’ll wait in what they are trying to make us believe is the Gotham City transit system. The lights are dim and the big screen is showing a press conference with Harvey Dent (actually played by Aaron Eckhart) answering questions about crime in Gotham. Then the lights get even dimmer and the Joker’s catchphrase WHY SO SERIOUS comes on the screen while random Jokeresque quotes scrawled on the walls illuminate. There was a short montage with jolts of James Cagney and melting celluloid that for some reason got me so pumped. We boarded the ride, and not soon after I was deflated. I realized that we rode the majority of the ride and I kept saying “I’m sure it hasn’t even kicked in yet.” Was I wrong! The ride was over and nothing happened.

The Dark Knight “coaster” as it’s called is far from a coaster. It felt like it went about 5 mph!! There’s nothing even going on inside while you’re in you’re little 4 person train. You see some blacklit/florescent markings on the walls to make you think Joker is around, and you hear someone who sounds like Heath Ledger trying to spook you out, but other than that there’s really nothing to the ride.

Leave it to Six Flags to make a shitty ride. They can work wonders with their roller coasters but when it comes to other rides and attractions they suck. They rarely show any creativity and it usually seems like they don’t want to offer a variety of attractions. If they wanted to create a throwback dark ride, why didn’t they make a haunted house? At one time Great Adventure had a haunted house but it burned down in ’84. Check out this great article at Dark in the Park about the old Six Flags haunted castle. I haven’t been to a good haunted house since Castle Dracula.

It seemed like they whipped up the Dark Knight coaster in 6 weeks so I’m sure Six Flags has the means to make the most kickass, scariest haunted house on the east coast. You’ll always hear them bragging on TV with their annoying ads about how much bigger Great Adventure is than Disneyland, and how they feature a safari. Who cares how much land they own? How about concentrating on making Great Adventure an awesome amusement park with awe inspiring rides? Isn’t that the point? Their coasters are kickass but they are seriously lacking when it comes to creating atmosphere. I want to escape when I go to a theme park. I want to be pulled into Metropolis when I wait for the Superman ride, I DON’T want to feel like I’m waiting an hour in the sweltering Jackson, N.J sun by the greasy haired kid dressed all in black, yellow converse, who’s blasting some metal song from his ruby red Razr phone.

With Six Flags association with the WB and DC characters, it’s a shame that they can’t get a grasp on the rides in their parks. How about a Marvin the Martian Space Mission? A Gossamer Funhouse? A Wonder Woman Invisible Jet ride? C’mon people…this is off the cuff here! Imagine what I could do if I really put my mind to it!

I love going on rides like Nitro (my favorite), El Toro, Superman, and The Scream Machine, but they don’t offer much personality. The rides themselves are awesome but what I value is the atmosphere. Six Flags chinces out and they don’t take the opportunity to sweep you into a different world as you’re waiting to go on the ride. That long wait is sometimes excruciating and could be made a lot more interesting. You know what I mean if you’ve been on any ride in Disney World and Universal like Spider Man, and Star Tours in MGM. I want to be transported and be so distracted that the greasy haired kid won’t even make it into my brain because I‘m seriously convincing myself into thinking that I‘m about to rocket into space. Maybe the people who run Great Adventure could go take a ride on Space Mountain, Tower of Terror, or even one of the awesome rides in Universal’s Islands of Adventure. They could learn a thing or two.

Have you gone on any terrible rides? If so, tell us about it!

Mullets in Comic Books

Posted on May 21, 2008 by sexyarmpit

If you haven’t checked it out yet, here’s the Top 10 Mullets in Marvel History! I only wish someone compiled a list for the WORST HAIRCUTS in the DC Universe, naturally, Magpie would be at the TOP of the list! I’m pretty sure she used a flowbee to get that one of a kind look.

The Dark Knight Roller Coaster at Six Flags

Posted on May 20, 2008 by sexyarmpit

Even though since my trip to Hollywood I’ve bashed the hell out of New Jersey, one cool thing we have that I’m looking forward to is the new indoor Dark Knight Roller Coaster at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, NJ. I get a season pass each summer and I’m usually disappointed at the new attractions they feature each year. Hopefully this time around I’ll be in awe of all it’s batty goodness. For all you haters of the first Batman coaster aptly named “Batman: The Ride,” I actually enjoy it. Of course it’s no Superman the Ride, and it can’t hold a candle to my favorite coaster ever, NITRO. I’ll give my thoughts on The Dark Knight Coaster after I ride it but in the meantime, GEEKS OF DOOM, a site I enjoy, has an excellent post on the ride with video.

Goin’ Hollywood

Posted on May 17, 2008October 26, 2020 by sexyarmpit

From the swamps, fumes, toxic sludge, and the congestion of New Jersey, The Sexy Armpit flew all the way across the country to Los Angeles, California. Like alot of other kids I knew, I grew up with a bit of an inflated idea of Hollywood. As a kid, I pictured famous people everywhere, hot girls galore, and bright sunny days. Regardless of my love for the state I was born and raised in, Hollywood sits on a gold encrusted throne high above any other city I’ve ever visited. There’s a slew of reasons why this town offers so much more than just the random celebrity sightings. (Mena Suvari, Ian Ziering, and Rebecca Gayheart just to name a few) If you’re trying to keep up with “the scene,” then you know that everything in Hollywood IS based on you’re look. It seems like the only people there who aren’t beautiful are some of the tourists, excluding myself of course…ahem. joke. I looked like a mutant compared to some of the natives. Those hot, hot, natives. Even the f’n mannequins are hotter there.

The most minuscule details of life in Hollywood seem to make everything about my life in New Jersey seem meaningless. I’ve always complained that “nothing cool ever happens in Jersey.” Of course that’s a generalization but it’s mostly true. It’s a disservice to say that the only thing cool about Hollywood is that there are celebrities all over the place. Actually, celebrity sightings just added to the amazing times I had there. In fact I don’t know if I can say I’ve ever had that much fun doing anything in New Jersey. If I stood on one leg eating a leftover bowl of macaroni in the middle of a street in Jersey and then did the same thing on the Sunset Strip…something tells me that it would be about 250,000 times more fun on the Strip. Maybe it’s because it’s called “The Strip?” It’s no coincidence that The Strip is home to the illustrious gentleman’s clubs that Motley Crue’s Vince Neil shouted out in “Girls, Girls, Girls” like the Seventh Veil, and The Body Shop. I couldn’t believe I was walking past places that are mentioned in a song that I’ve sang along to about 4,000 times! Screw you, that was exciting to me.

North Jersey guido’s or Jocks who are still re-living their high school football memories need not even visit Hollywood because they won’t fit in. The freaks, the flamboyant, and the filthy rich create the city’s aura and keep it’s blood pumping. New York was always said to be the city that never sleeps but Hollywood is way more of a constant party. There’s always an after party, and you’re never at a loss to find somewhere else to go. The people of the town are way more sociable than the angry, uptight NY/NJ people. Being a lifelong Jersey native and a person whose hung out in New York more times than you can imagine, it’s a fact that we’re a cold, aggressive bunch of folks. Even with smog blocking the sun on some days, Hollywood keeps it’s positive, go getting, adventurous atmosphere. That atmosphere may be what fuels people to go there to follow their dreams. Whether it was playing in a band, or acting, everyone seemed to have talent and ambition to “make it.” Believe it or not, just going out and showing your face consistently gives you your own “fun size” sample of star power.

Going to New York to follow your dreams may only land you a job on Wall Street or at a corner store selling fruit, energy drinks, and flowers. New York City in comparison to Hollywood is nothing but business. Not too much fun to be had there in Manhattan. You like Opera? Show tunes? Working your ass off? Traffic and honking? Getting lost? Then Manhattan is the place for you. Hollywood is all about a laid back, party atmosphere and it looks like not much has changed there in quite a long time. We even stayed in the Hyatt, West Hollywood because of it’s rich rock history. Click the link for a great rundown of facts about the hotel at Wikipedia.

In any local establishment in NJ all you hear over their sound system is Rhianna, Leona Lewis, John Mayer etc. All I had to do was travel 3,000 miles and in every establishment, EVEN MEXICAN RESTAURANTS, you can hear a whole slew of ’80s rock. Everywhere I was I heard Motley, Guns, Van Halen, Poison, and Bon Jovi. Even though it was only a few days, it gave me hope that at least some place in the world still likes to ROCK! Jersey sure as hell doesn’t remember that one of it’s own stereotypes was BIG HAIR!

The rock music scene is still alive and flourishing. While there seems to be no place for rock in New Jersey, Hollywood wears their rock rags proudly. Whether you wear eyeliner or high heel boots, everything rock is accepted. In fact, all kinds of music get their fair share of stage time on the strip. New York and New Jersey are famous for certain venues but I guess I missed their golden age. Music venues in Asbury Park, Atlantic City, and Hoboken have become historic because of the artists that would frequently play there. Heck, even the Izod Center in East Rutherford and The Starland Ballroom in Sayreville constantly has huge concerts with all the big names. The problem is, they aren’t the type of places you go to just hang out and coincidentally catch an awesome band who might hit it huge in a few years. Regardless of the fact that Manhattan is home to the most famous arena, Madison Square Garden, as well as places like Roseland, Hammerstein, and the defunct CBGB’s, the good stuff takes a while to travel over to the East Coast. Perhaps it’s the vastness of the metropolitan area that hinders it from being as great as Hollywood. You can’t walk down a street and choose between 3 concert venues all featuring several solid acts. I can’t imagine how far it would be to walk from Starland Ballroom in Sayreville all the way to the Izod Center in East Rutherford. (According to mapquest it’s about 36 miles and it would take about 50 minutes depending on traffic…bummer) In Hollywood I can walk from the Viper Room to the Key Club, to the Roxy all in a matter of a few minutes. Venues like the Whiskey-a-Go-Go and all the clubs on the strip are legendary for the great bands and artists that have played there. When you visit the Jersey Shore, you can hit up Jenkinson’s and check out a cover band, and then also check out Martell’s Tiki Bar and then…check out a cover band! Now don’t get me wrong I love cover bands but after you had the time in Hollywood that I did, Jersey pales in comparison.

In about 4 days here’s the rundown of all the bands I got to see, and it wasn’t even a festival! Check this out:
The Donnas 15th Anniversary show, a very intimate gathering for the Donnas hardcore fans, and family members. Wow, these girls have worked hard for 15 years already and they’re music and performances just keep getting stronger. Back in ’01 I got to interview Torry, (The Donnas drummer) for my radio show and finally got to meet her in person at this show. Their latest album Bitchin‘ is a kick ass rock party album and is in stores now.

Vains of Jenna – I first heard about these Swedish guys a few years ago on Stevie Rachelle’s Metal Sludge site and I picked up their CD (which was released on Bam Margera’s record label) as soon as it came out. I’ve always been a fan of Swedish rock bands (like Dogpound) because the folks in Sweden eat, sleep, and bathe in rock and roll. They are so obsessed with it that they study rock music that was popular in the ’70s and ’80s in the U.S. You might ask, for a bunch of guys so serious about their craft how can they be bad? Unfortunately I was actually disappointed in the recording quality of “Lit Up, Let Down,” and there wasn’t that many tracks that blew me away. It just seemed like a bunch of guys doing throwback sleaze rock from the ’80s. WAS I WRONG! Have you ever heard the old adage that you have to experience a band live to make an accurate opinion on them? Remember how the first few KISS albums weren’t big sellers but after people started seeing their explosive, loud, rocking live show the band started to blow up. This is exactly how Veins of Jenna is going to do it. They played one blistering set of tunes that sounded almost completely separate from the tracks on the album. Their CD does not do them justice. They also threw in a cover of Tom Petty’s Refugee which was heavy and friggin‘ amazing.

I also got to check out The Atomic Punks – The Tribute to Early Van Halen with lead singer Ralph Saenz, who coincidentally is also the lead singer of STEEL PANTHER. For those who have been under a rock for the last 8 years or so, Steel Panther (formerly Danger Kitty, Metal Shop and Metal Skool) are rock’s reigning kings of the sunset strip. Their original brand of Hair Band Parody sells out every Monday night. They play ’80s hair metal from Bon Jovi to Poison and always throw in one of their original comedy rock songs like “Death to All But Metal” or “Fat Girl.” Celebs are known to show up and sing with them from time to time like Kelly Clarkson, Jessica Simpson, and Pink. I was lucky to see Matt Sorum introduce the band, Scott Ian from Anthrax join them onstage, Corey Taylor of Slipknot, and Whitfield Crane formerly of Ugly Kid Joe/Another Animal.

Some of the other amazing bands I saw during my stay in Hollywood: Franki’s Broken Toys (Franki Doll=great frontwoman), Mack Winston and the Reflections,(original, pretty damn mesmerizing music) The Binges (BEST band I’ve heard in years) and the hard driving Bullets and Octane. And more! I don’t think a feat this cool could ever be accomplished in NY/NJ or for that matter, anywhere on the east coast. There’s always a band to discover there before it makes it’s way east. I originally intended the name of this site to embrace the good stuff Jersey offered but, man, I’m not far away from making it all about how it’s so not as cool as Hollywood. But really…not many places are.