NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 20: Wildwood Part 2

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No, it’s not 1990…it’s just Wildwood. What was that I was saying about Wildwood t-shirts being hideously ugly? The last time I discussed Wildwood T-Shirts I made it abundantly clear that you won’t be finding any runway couture on the Wildwood boardwalk.

From the top left:

1) The shirts you’ll see on the boardwalk are so terrible that they have to leetch off of another tourist attractions tag line. “What Happens in Wildwood Stays in Wildwood???” Are they serious? That’s the lamest thing I’ve ever seen, and to make matters worse it’s splattered with neon green, pink, and blue paint because we love that shit.

2) I’m not opposed to Zebra print in any shape or form, but when it’s ruined with Funfetti it just reminds me of a Little Debbie creation.
3) As we move to the top right I’m taking a vivid trip back into the ’80s. It could seriously pass for a title screen on an early ’80s Wildwood travel video.
4) This one should be called DRIPPING NEON KISSES FROM WILDWOOD! Was Paul Stanley the lip model for this shirt? Because I’m pretty sure he was doing a lot of lip modeling during the KISS Asylum days in ’85.
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5) Finally a generic Wildwood shirt made for tweens. Unfortunately they had to infuse the entire pastel color spectrum into this one.
6) As ridiculous as this last one is, it’s actually the only one that’s remotely wearable. Dig those Palm trees, huh? You are reading this correctly: palm trees on the beach in Wildwood.
Until next time folks, this has been NJ T-Shirt Tuesday, where things keep getting more neony.
www.SexyArmpit.com

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 19: Paranormal Books in Asbury Park

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“Back from the Dead” a vampiric Tillie T-Shirt found just in time for Halloween at
Paranormal Books in reanimated Asbury Park, NJ

Remember Ray Stantz’s book store Ray’s Occult in Ghostbusters 2? Ever since that movie came out I wished a store like that actually existed in my area, and now THERE IS ONE! Last year Kathy Kelly opened Paranormal Books & Curiosities on Cookman Ave. in Asbury Park. The store sign even gives off a creepy vibe as you walk passed it on the sidewalk.

Books detailing ghostly encounters, urban legends, ESP, and paranormal investigations fill the shelves of this awesome shop. Paranormal Books also carries an extensive array of books on ghosts in the Garden State as well as tomes on The Jersey Devil. Coming Soon at the shop is an exhibit on The Jersey Devil which I was able to get some dirt from proprietor Kathy Kelly herself. From hearing her teasers, this is sure to be a truly chilling, must-see exhibit!

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Zombie Tillie, Asburied Park, NJ

Paranormal Books is on its way to becoming New Jersey’s spectral hotbed. Books aren’t the only thing Kathy offers up, in addition to T-SHIRTS, action figures, and other oddities, they also host events including paranormal lectures, classes, psychic readings, book signings, ghost walks and exhibits.

If you’re an Armpit reader who has never been to Asbury Park, then start planning a day trip! Now is the best time to visit Asbury Park thanks to the city’s resurgence. Asbury Park is a perfect example of how eclectic New Jersey is. We need more places like this in NJ that evoke personality and benefit from having owner who is as inspired and passionate about what they love as Kathy Kelly. (*cough*…*cough*…comic book store?)

Click here to visit the Paranomal Books & Curiosities website and online store

www.SexyArmpit.com

“Jay Spanking a Jersey Girl” by Bubba Shelby

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Bubba Shelby made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. He proposed a trade, I accepted. He got a few action figures, and I got THIS:

Jay Spanking The Jersey Girl

For those who enjoy critiquing art, this brilliant piece depicts me spanking a cute little Jersey girl (and we know that thanks to her panties) with a New Jersey shaped paddle. Having a custom piece of art created for me is infinitely cooler than owning a few action figures that would probably have collected dust otherwise. Eric Stettmeier aka Bubba Shelby used the idea that I had and completely took it to the next level of hilarity. If I had a mantle I would hang it above it and look at it fondly. Since I am unfortunately sans mantle, it’ll find its way into a frame and onto one of my walls where it will be appreciated by all who pass. Take a look at more of Bubba Shelby’s art here at his website, and don’t hesitate to contact him if you need to commission a piece like this for YOUR site!

For those of you who are unaware, Eric also runs one of the most awesome toy blogs: Toyriffic. It’s been a daily click for me for a couple of years now, so head over there for posts about action figures, Hot Wheels, Legos, and more.

www.SexyArmpit.com

The Legend of The Headless Ahsoka Tano

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This gives a whole new meaning to her nickname “Snips”
You may find it hard to believe that I DIDN’T find this headless Ahsoka Tano action figure in the Sleepy Hollow Wal-Mart, or even the one on the planet Shili. What other place besides New Jersey would offer up a sight as savage as a plastic statue of Anakin Skywalker’s decapitated little padawan to impressionable young children wandering wide-eyed through the toy aisles with their parents? How does a parent explain this one?
Well, if you were me, and there’s an enormous chance that you’re not, the majority of you with children will NOT reply in this manner, but those with quick wit and a bit of Star Wars swerve will be prepared to shoot back with a killer automatic response: “Well, if you knew anything about Star Wars you little prick, then perhaps you would know that Darth Sidious slashed her head right off her kneck with one swing of his lightsaber.” Then since you’re still in the Star Wars aisle, just for effect, you could pretend you’re Sidious, grab a toy saber, and proceed to swing at your kids neck, in a playful fashion of course. At the end of this dramatization of such a horrific epitaph, you could cap it all off with, “That’s why you need to do your homework.”
“So if I don’t do my homework Darth Sidious is going to chop my head off with a lightsaber, daddy?” “Yes kiddo, that’s exactly what will happen, or he may have Anakin do it for him depending on how his arthritis is that day.” Once you start convincing them that their grandfather is actually Darth Sidious, I think they’ll get the picture.
With merely a few minutes of consultation with the Bat-Computer, and perhaps some fiddling with the Bat-Hyperspectrographic Analyzer, I was able to deduce that this figure was tampered with. On the lower left corner of the card you’ll see a few marks that indicate the bubble was cut. It looked like a bonafide error while I was in the store, but after walking around the entire store with the figure in my shopping cart, I finally realized that this was no error, this action figure’s head was amputated by a father who was out to set a creative example for his kids. Remember to always use The Legend of The Headless Ahsoka Tano story on your kids folks, it always works.
www.SexyArmpit.com

New Jersey License Plate Purse is High Fashion

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I rarely delete e-mails so I wind up with a traffic jam when I log in to my account. I’m subscribed to so much crap in fear that I’ll miss some awesome deal or coupon code, but that is rarely the case. Wouldn’t want to miss that free shipping promotion or ticket pre-sale, so I never unsubscribe from them. Frequently though, I do receive some helpful e-mails. Occasionally a press release will come my way or an opportunity to get in on a huge monetary transaction courtesy of one Mr. Benson Williams formerly of the Kuwait embassy, a gent who was nice enough to send the e-mail at the ATTN: Dearest One of God. Isn’t he sweet?

Other times I’ll be swarmed with notices that I’m now being followed on Twitter by actual account names like “Ass Fucker.”

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The frustrating side effect about not keeping an organized inbox is that it’s easy to lose track of the important, useful e-mails. Several months back an online friend, Bella Bliss, tipped me off to these funky women’s handbags based on license plates. Naturally, other states beside NJ are available, but why the hell would I want to write about those?

You can order all 3 versions of the NJ license plate purse Ebags.com:


www.SexyArmpit.com

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 18: Wildwood Part 1

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Planet Spaceball ran out of air, but it doesn’t seem likely that I’ll ever run out of tacky, Jersey related t-shirts to discuss here on NJ T-Shirt Tuesday. I was literally bombarded by a barrage of terrible new tees during my recent trip to Wildwood. Much like the upcoming Autumn harvest promises to yield plentiful crops, this trip has provided me with copious fodder which I know you’ll enjoy, or at the very least snicker at.
You’ll notice a theme running through the next few T-Shirt Tuesday posts and its NEON! Yes folks, apparently everything you’ve heard about the Jersey Shore is 100% TRUE. It’s still the early ’90s there. I can tell you first hand that shops on the Wildwood boardwalk have not evolved passed 1993. It’s hard to miss the bright colors splashed all over every sweatshirt, hoodie, tank, wife beater, and t-shirt you see hanging on the racks as you stroll down the boardwalk. Without a doubt this is pretty strange, but my purpose in life is to bring you this pressing information. If you’re in Alaska reading this (which apparently there are quite a few of you), you may be wondering to yourself “I’ll never get to the Jersey Shore, but I’d love to know just how gaudy it really is.” See folks, I am actually providing a service. Read on for more insight on these terrible t-shirts.
My woman noticed the “GIRLS GONE WILD WOOD” tee, which is quintessential NJ T-Shirt Tuesday material. Aside from it’s riff on the Girls Gone Wild DVD series, its obvious they couldn’t resist making the fonts as bright as possible. Honestly though, I feel that this T-Shirt really speaks to me. It says “I’M LOOKING AT ASHLEY DUPRE’S TITS WHILE EATING FRUIT LOOPS AND LISTENING TO KID ‘N PLAY.”
If you’re not blinded by the bright splotchy colors you’ll notice that the second shirt is clearly inspired by expressionist painter Jackson Pollock. When you’re creating shirts to be sold on the boardwalk at the Jersey Shore, it’s a no brainer to let yourself be inspired by great abstract artists of our time. When the fat guy with ragged cut off jeans, greasy hair, cigarette hanging out of his mouth, and a big gulp mug full of beer walks by that store, he’s definitely going to pick up on the Pollock homage immediately. I can see him now holding it up in all of its glory, cigarette tucked between two fingers as he points at the shirt and his other hand holds the hangar, “‘Dat wood look grate on my old lady…dont’cha tink?” The Jersey Girl shirt gets people every time. When the late ’40s overly tan mommy from Staten Island passes by with her two obnoxious kids, she nearly has a heart attack at the sight of the shirt, “…OH…MOI…GAWD…look sweety! Don’t yew LOVE dis, awwww yew would look soooo cute in dis t-shut!!!” The language mutilation is no exaggeration. FAW REAL!
This tank top is a party unto itself. And what a steal it is. At only $3.99 this amazing “Jersey Girl: Wildwood” tank top includes every color in the spectrum and it will send you straight into convulsions if you stare at it too long. **WARNING** Please don’t try this at home because then some asshole will sue me. Ah, who cares if they do…they’d only make enough to buy 3 tank tops at the Wildwood Boardwalk!
www.SexyArmpit.com

The Avaricious Elephant & The Splendorous Sonic Drive-In

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Lucy Elephant Sonic Drive In
I spent the weekend in Atlantic City and Wildwood or “The Wildwoods” as they’re apparently also known as, and I felt the need to report back to you with an account of my experiences.

She’s an icon and she always has people going inside her. No, I’m not talking about Tera Patrick, it’s Lucy the Elephant! For years, I’ve meant to visit this local oddity, but I suppose visiting an inanimate 65-foot elephant doesn’t take precedence over seeing Motley Crue or watching old episodes of Super Powers Team: Galactic Guardians (A man needs to have priorities). While heading home on the Garden State Parkway, I thought “Why not stop in Margate and see Lucy the Elephant?” Not the greatest idea of mine, believe it or not.
After taking the Margate exit, I awoke the voice of William Daniels by firing up my Knight Rider GPS, and he informed us that there would be a toll road in our future. Confused, I wondered why there would be ANOTHER toll since we already exited the Parkway? We began to see signs for a toll coming up as we drove through a swampy dock area. After rolling over a short bridge we officially entered Margate City and we were greeted by a toll exchange that only had room for 3 or 4 cars to go through at a time. I couldn’t believe we were getting soaked for ANOTHER toll! Usually on the Garden State Parkway the toll fees range from $0.50 to $1.00, but this toll was $1.50! Forget appalled, I was downrightsupermuthaf-cking PISSED!!!
Once we arrived at Lucy’s chill zone, the sight of her was exactly what I expected. If you’ve seen pictures of Lucy then that’s all you’ll ever really need. A tour of Lucy’s innards is available, but I assure you it’s nothing like Body Wars. Go ahead and have your girl take silly pictures of you standing under Lucy’s bunghole, it’s all fun and games until 2 1/2 minutes later when you realize you’ve exhausted all activities with the wood and tin behemoth. When it’s time to go, make sure you scrounge up as much change from your pockets as you can, because you’ll have to cough up that $1.50 toll when LEAVING Margate also! The balls on these people! The country is in a terrible economic crisis and they’re charging $3.00 to enter and leave a town to see a f-cking elephant?!?! It’s not like we’re going to get to interact with an animatronic Snuffleupagus!
That $3.00 could have gone to much better use at Sonic.
Rio Grande, NJ’s Sonic Drive-In was the absolute best fast food experience I ever had the pleasure of enjoying. You might think that’s an embellishment because my Sonic cherry has been popped so recently, but it’s every bit as good as their commercials make it seem. For years, Sonic has advertised in the Tri-State area via TV commercials, magazine ads, and billboards, but there’s only one or two locations in New Jersey, and they are not around the corner. We noticed a Sonic billboard while driving into Wildwood and vowed to finally eat there on the way home.
At first, we didn’t realize that Sonic was exclusively a drive in. I figured it was just part of the gimmick and that there must be an option to sit inside and eat, but that’s not the case. When I noticed the patio furniture we opted to sit outside since it was sunny and cool. Did I mention that it was only 10:00 AM? This meal had to serve as my breakfast, lunch, and keep me fueled for the entire monotonous drive home. I ordered a cheeseburger, fries, and a Watermelon Creamslush. All were superb and exceeded my expectations in the taste and quality department.
I shouldn’t have, but my curiosity forced me to check out the nutritional information that’s published on the Sonic website. How could they do this to me? I might as well blow up right now like Violet Beauregarde in Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory. I’d really love to have a Sonic closer to where I live because I’d be there everyday trying a new Creamslush. I know it’s for the better, otherwise they would need a crane to remove me from my bedroom.
If you’re also a Sonic Drive-In virgin, then you might want to take a trip to their Howell, NJ or Hasbrouck Heights, NJ locations to experience it for yourself.
www.SexyArmpit.com

Haiku Assignment, Creative Writing, 10th Grade

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As The Joker said in 1989’s Batman, “Well I’m no Picasso, but do you like it?” Don’t you go making fun of my mini illustrated masterpieces! My creative writing teacher commented that my work was “Technically Correct – Subject matter is whacky!” I always spelled wacky without an H, but I guess it was just my teacher’s personal preference. I still picked up an A on this assignment since I demonstrated correct Haiku form.

www.SexyArmpit.com