Would YOU Let Santa Claus Drive Your Corvette?

I’m surprised and excited to see how many houses have been decorated for Christmas this year. On my way home from work every day, I pass through so many towns and as Paul Stanley says “They’re lit up like a damn Christmas Tree!” It seems like there’s more Christmas spirit in New Jersey this year than ever before. Whatever the reason is, it’s an excellent feeling! People’s displays have grown more elaborate and creative. In fact, while riding through Fair Haven, NJ last weekend we saw this Corvette parked on someone’s lawn:

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Take a closer look and you’ll see Santa behind the wheel about to take the ‘vette out for a spin:
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That’s a pretty awesome lawn decoration if you ask me. I don’t think you’ll be able to pick that one up at Wal-Mart! 
For all the good that Santa’s done throughout time, I still don’t think that’s enough to make me let him borrow my Corvette to deliver presents. We have no idea what kind of driving record he has. They could drive like assholes up in the North Pole. If the elves get licenses then I’ll give a definitive “NO” on that one. Besides, isn’t St. Nick all tanked up on spiked Egg Nogg he drinks at houses all over the world? Isn’t that what makes him so jolly in the first place? We wouldn’t want him getting a DWI, so let’s have him stick to flying around in his sleigh. 

JAY: You’re not getting my keys, Santa! 
SANTA CLAUS: Ho, Ho, Ho, we’ll see about that! How bad do you want that PS3 for Christmas?!?! Ho, Ho, Ho!
JAY: I’ll forget about the PS3 for now, just as long as you don’t crash my beautiful Corvette and turn it into a red and white yuletide mess. Oh, and toll prices just went up so it’ll be cheaper if you hop in you’re sleigh.
SANTA CLAUS: Ho, Ho, Ho! Jay, I’m going through a mid-life crisis times 3. Can’t I just take the ‘vette for a few minutes? Mrs. Claus never lets me have ANY fun. She took away my copy of Transformers on DVD because she said I was staring a hole in Megan Fox. I’m not even allowed to go to Hooters up in the North Pole. And if you haven’t noticed, all of Santa’s helpers are all gay males. I lead a sad, boring life. C’mon, help a brutha out.
JAY: OK, OK, but you’re going to owe me BIG time if you crash it!
SANTA CLAUS: Yeah right, after I got you everything you asked for every Christmas? Batman, He-Man, WWF, Star Wars, Thundercats, I gave it all to you! You weren’t that good this year anyway! So I owe you nothing bub! 
JAY: You know what Santa, you can f—ing walk!
Friends don’t let Santa Claus drive drunk.
A Public Service Announcement from the Ad Council and Mrs. Claus.

BetaMaxmas brings you Holiday Specials Retro Style!

My friend Steve alerted me to this awesome site called Betamaxmas. As you can see from the screenshot, it’s a late ’70s or early ’80s living room fully equipped with a Christmas tree decorated with BIG BULBS, a TV set with rabbit ears and a remote control, and a Betamax player. On the TV set you can watch all different vintage holiday specials. If they come in a little fuzzy…just click the rabbit ears to adjust the reception! It’s amazing how fast technology has been “museumified.” A bonus is the classic TV guide listing on the top right.

We Wish You a Metal Xmas and a Headbanging New Year CD

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Silly me for trying to resist getting into the Christmas spirit so soon. Thanks to my brand spankin’ new copy of We Wish You A Metal Xmas and a Headbanging New Year, the Christmas spirit was just jammed through my ear canals with devil horns. 

Twisted Sister’s Christmas album kicks ass, but this one brings the meaning of Metal Christmas to a whole new level! I’m listening to Lemmy, Billy Gibbons, and Dave Grohl on “Run Run Rudolph”!!?? Am I really hearing this? I’m in sheer amazement at this instantly classic CD. I would wager to say that most fans of metal will certainly cringe and/or vomit when listening to these songs, but not me! This CD was made for me because I thrive on this kind of crap. I don’t have the words to describe my feeling of utter elation upon my first listen to Stephen Pearcy singing “Grandma Got Ran Over By a Reindeer.” Also featured on the track are Tracii Guns and Billy Sheehan. Moments of such musical bliss haven’t occured since the days of Mozart, Bach, Handel, and hell…even Wham’s “Careless Whisper.” Joe Lynn Turner seriously does a bang up job singing “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree,” which sonically may be the best on the album. The track also features the brothers Kulick, Rudy Sarzo, and Simon Wright. 
It takes a little suspension of disbelief to realize that Dio IS actually belting out “God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman.” Perhaps the most unimaginable track belongs to Alice Cooper. He takes a break from singing about spiders and Frankenstein to croon “Santa Claws is Coming To Town.” There’s no doubt about it, these songs will definitely NOT show up on Phil Spector’s Christmas Gift to You Part 2, but they are still AWESOME. If you’re a Christmas music geek like me, then We Wish You a Metal Xmas should be a required part of your holiday iPod playlist! Nothing like a little METAL to inject you with holiday spirit! Check out my Christmas playlists from ’05, and ’07:

Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree is from New Jersey!

This year’s 8-ton Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree is from Hamilton, New Jersey! Jeez,the tree is going up already? Seriously? I’m still reeling from Halloween! How The Grinch Stole Christmas and The Wizard of Oz aired on TBS last night. I’m not prepared. I guess it’s time to kick my Christmas spirit into gear.

Batman Pez Dispensers

Everyone I know seems to be candy crazy. I was never obsessed with sweets and I rarely go on sugar frenzies. Although I must say I do enjoy Reese’s cups, Snickers, 3 Musketeers, and peppermint patties every now and then. I definitely opt for a chocolate bar over a sugary candy like sweet tarts or airheads. I also have a disdain for anything too chewy or with a “gummy” prefix although the gummy raspberries and blackberries with the crunchies on the outside are highly enjoyable.

Throughout my life, Pez weren’t the most accessible candy out there. I couldn’t go to the nearest convenience store and pick up Pez. In my area of N.J they were readily available at toy stores and rarely anywhere else unless it was a holiday. Christmas and Valentine’s day brings Pez out to many stores in full force.

Pez were always a candy that I discovered every few months as a kid. I remember that I would keep my pez dispensers in a mini drawer in my closet. Whenever I broke out all my toys I’d open up my mini drawer and get my Pez paraphenalia ready to rock. In there I had stockpiled unwrapped pez candy that were waiting to be loaded into one of my many dispensers.

You can imagine how odd Pez tasted after a year or two even if they were still wrapped in their original package. I don’t think I realized that they probably went bad after a while. Regardless, I’d load the Pez candy into the Hulk head or the Snoopy head and then start popping them into my mouth like mad. I then realized how stale they were. They were fairly hard, I’m lying…they were break your teeth hard. They were also a bit hollow for some reason. But they still tasted like classic Pez pellets and aside from their stale state, they still had their unmistakable classic Pez flavor. It’s been a long time since I’ve had the actual candy but I still have many of my original dispensers.

Here are the Batman dispensers I’ve gathered throughout the years. They go in order of when I got them. The oldest on the left I got when I was about 8 years old! You can see the changes to the mold and the color modifications. The blue color changes slightly from the 1st dispenser to the 2nd and it’s not just old age, they actually have slightly different blue tones. The first one is probably my favorite because it’s classic but if the last two were combined! Holy Nightmare! The last one’s head sculpt is reminiscent of the comic book Batman. Switching the last dispenser’s navy blue for black would make one heck of a perfect Bat-Pez dispenser!

**After scanning Bat-Blog, I noticed there’s a new set of Batman Pez dispensers that have been released that include Joker, Riddler, Two-Face, and a Batman with a gray body and the same head as the last dispenser pictured here. These are such nice sculpts and are a Bat-fans wet dream!

UPS is WET and HORNY all the time!!!


OK so, sometimes I’m not really paying attention to what I’m doing. We’ve all been there. Occasionally I’ll look in my sock drawer and pick out what I thought were black socks, but I actually wasn’t looking and picked out white socks! Of course, it’s 5:30 in the morning and I’m damn tired so there’s an excuse. In other situations I’ll mess numbers up…especially phone numbers. Have you ever misdialed and been totally baffled at who answered? Sometimes it’s someone you sooo did not expect!

During the Christmas season I usually buy a lot of gifts online. This always makes things easier so I won’t have to fight traffic. There is a downside though. I live in a condo and if UPS is making a delivery and I’m not home, they won’t leave the package at the door. Most times that I expect a delivery I’ll come home to an annoying yellow notice stuck to my door. Seeing that notice on my door pretty much defeats the purpose of getting the package mailed to me. This actually makes things more difficult because then I have to haul myself over to the local UPS hub. It’s not that it’s so far, it’s just that there’s a mongoloid that works there. I try not to go there if I can avoid it. But sure enough, every time I need to pick up a package the fat, bald, beady eyed, mongoloid is behind the counter being creepy.

Before you can even pick the package up you have to call UPS and let them know that you want to schedule a pick up rather than have them attempt another delivery. I usually don’t mind calling because their help line is automated and it’s not as bad as some other companies. A computerized female answers and asks how she can help and tells you to punch in or say your Infonotice number. Surprisingly, when you answer it typically understands what you’re saying so the amount of times you have to repeat yourself isn’t too great. The lady’s voice, we’ll call her Joan, is fairly inviting which is why calling to schedule a pickup isn’t that big of a deal to me. I’ve grown pretty used to calling although I’ve haven’t done it while driving in pouring rain. There’s always a first time though. ** WARNING RANDOM ALLITERATION**Keep in mind that dialing a cell phone while driving may deem detrimental to your day.

I steered with one hand and grabbed my blackberry with the other and dialed what I thought was the right number. Instead of dialing 1-800-833-9943, I wound up dialing 1-800-833-9433. I was anticipating reciting my tracking number and scheduling the pickup. Instead of hearing Joan ask me for my infonotice number I hear “Oh baby I‘m so glad you called, i’m so wet and horny all the time and my husband just can’t satisfy me. I’m a sex starved cheating young wife and I need a stud like you NOW!”

I was taken off guard since wet, horny housewives are probably the furthest thing from my mind when calling the United Parcel Service…maybe FedEx because at least there’s that ironic FedSex T-shirt. I hung up not because I was being a prude but because I thought I was going to have to pay for the call! Then I thought, shit… I was on the company phone instead of my cell! What if they look at the bill and it says JAY CALLED PHONE SEX at 6:44 AM…he’s one sick and perverse guy!! In conclusion, UPS does provide a service that’s for sure, but it’s more about arousing the package rather than shipping it.

Gross Observations #2: Holiday Edition ’07

Why is it that only kids from 1 to 92 get the simple phrase ? What about the rest of them? Do they get a more complex phrase?

What’s all this talk of lighting up trees?

I’m awarding the late, great Karen Carpenter with a Golden Armpit Award for coining the word “Christmasing” in The Carpenter’s Merry Christmas Darling. Heck, even if she didn’t coin it, she still won for best use of the word.

Why is it that Christmas cards are so important? They could make you or break you! If you don’t buy a certain person in your family a nice enough card they’ll totally trash you.

The best part of the cold weather is going outside and getting that first whiff of neighbors using their fireplace. It’s such a great smell.

I wonder how the gay community feels this time of year about the fact that we’re donning all their apparel?

In North Carolina, do they let Heaven and Nature Boy sing? Whoooo!

For some reason I have a fear that one of these days some “genius” Hollywood producer is going to greenlight a remake of Home Alone. Not a sequel…a remake. This will be an abominable mistake. The original is a classic and I still get a kick out of it ’til this day. Much like A Christmas Story it conjures up all those excellent feelings you got during the holidays when you’re a kid.

Why do we write “Xmas” with an X? Wouldn’t that be Crossmas? Maybe even “Multiplied By-mas” It has nothing to do with the number 10 and it’s definitely not “Mark the Spotmas” Who came up with that one?

Wasn’t Last Christmas a much different song when you heard it for the first time AFTER you found out that George Michael was gay? And who is the moron who let Ashley Tisdale murder that song? Holy Crap! William Hung would’ve done a better job!

Forgive me if it sounds perverse but 8 maids a milking actually sounds kinda hot. How that gift was not opened earlier than the 8th day is beyond me. I’m hoping that on the 9th day I get a digi-cam to record that shit. You Tube here I come!

One year I saw mommy kissing Tiny Tim. It wasn’t the ill Cratchit boy though, it was actually Tiny Tim the ’60s ukelele sensation. I’ll never forget that Christmas.

How come no one has harped on the fact that there’s a song that exists called “Back Door Santa“??

I realized the other day as I was completing a holiday purchase at a department store that I left the counter and said Merry Christmas! I don’t give a fuck. Christmas seems to have become a non denominational holiday. So all of that PC crap we’ve been hearing about the past few years, like how you can’t say Merry Christmas – that’s all gone to shit. You can say it to anyone now. That’s the rule…I just made it! Merry F–king Christmas!

Jay’s Christmas Playlist 2007

In 2005, I decided to print a list of random songs I loved from my iTunes Christmas playlist. Though for some reason, last Christmas I didn’t publish one. This year, I vow to go further into my vast iPod Christmas playlist. I realize that a ton of blogs actually feature their playlists with downloadable songs. Unfortunately, I won’t do that for 2 reasons: 1) I’d rather not get my ass sued 2) I’m not that technically savvy. Christmas music brings me back in time and I love adding new tunes all year long. I love when I tell a person about a Christmas song that they didn’t even know existed. So here’s just another peek into what I’m listening to this holiday season. The 2005 Playlist is linked HERE. If there’s any you’d like to add, feel free to leave a comment!

Christmastime is Here – Stone Temple Pilots

Oh Come All Ye Faithful – Twisted Sister

Happy Holidays – Andy Williams

Jingle Bell Rock .38 Special

Jingle Bell Rock – Tuff

Jingle Bell Rock – Nelson

Best Part of Christmas – American Angel

The Christmas Song – Johnny Mathis

12 Days of Christmas – Relient K

Christmas is the Time to say I love you – SR-71

Little Drummer Boy – Joan Jett and the Blackhearts

If it Doesn’t Snow For Christmas – Joe Pesci

Santa Claus is Coming to Town – Handsome Devil

Santa Claus is Coming to Town – Dokken!

Merry Frickin’ Christmas – Frickin’ A

White Christmas – The Drifters

I’ll Be Stone For Christmas – Bob Rivers

Merry Christmas Baby – Pepe, from the Muppets

My Girlfriend (Forgot Me This Christmas) – The Click Five

We Need a Little Christmas – The New Christy Minstrels

Do You Hear What I Hear? – Carrie Underwood

Merry Christmas Darling – The Carpenters

Last Christmas- Butch Walker

Please Come Home For Christmas – Bon Jovi

Christmas Celebration – Weezer

Ave Maria – Chris Cornell

Click HERE to read Jay’s 2005’s Christmas Playlist

Questionable Best Buy Ad

I’ve been meaning to get to this one but I’ve been so behind since the holidays rolled around. This picture was on the back cover of a Best Buy catalog a month or two before Christmas. When I first thumbed through the catalog and looked at the back, I had to squint and take a closer look. At first glance, it’s a picture of a family playing the new Playstation 3 on their flat screen TV. The father is all frustrated because of his apparent humiliating loss to his pre-historic son who just happens to be good at video games. It looked to me as if the people in the picture are actually wax statues ripped out of a museum display. What’s with the kid? It looks like he was created by Sid and Marty Krofft! Where the hell is Cha-Ka? What kid has hair like that? Who was his stylist Captain Caveman? Considering he’s from the Stone Age, how the heck did he get so damn good at video games? AND why is he wearing the boys winter wardrobe from K-Mart circa 1976? I haven’t seen a haircut like this since the Paleolithic era. The mother looks like she should be weaving a basket or gathering corn. The father looks like he just got knocked upside the head by a dinosaur fossil.
Some strange things are happening in this picture. Take a look at the kid’s right hand, he clearly cannot make a full fist. This is the direct opposite of his mother who seems to be hailing a taxi that’s passing across the living room. It’s gotta be chilly in the room as well because she’s got a scarf on. You have to wonder what’s on the kid’s mind now that the father has been rendered unconscious from the nasty blow to his head from that huge brontosaurus fossil. You can’t tell if he wants to chomp down on his mother or totally try to bang her. Maybe the kid is bowing to her and she’s the almighty ruler of the Gelflings.
I urge you to ask yourselves, is this the type of picture that makes you want to run right out and buy a Playstation 3? Personally I feel my thoughts are distracted far away from the what was supposed to be the PS3 phenom. I find myself being more concerned with knowing if the kid is related to Teen Wolf in any way. Is this ad the reason why PS3 failed to hit as big as it was supposed to? To quote SNL “Who are the Ad Wizards that came up with this one?” I think the true burning question that arises from viewing this picture is: IS THIS THE MODERN STONE AGE FAMILY?

Jay’s Top 5 Christmas Gifts of 2006

Merry Christmas To All!
This Christmas has come to an end but while I still have a couple of hours left let me give you the rundown of the top 5 gifts that I received this Christmas. Money and gift certificates were plentiful this year but allow me to tell you about the gifts that were a bit more interesting. There’s no doubt that I got a ton of awesome gifts, but these are just the most worthy of writing about.
Harvey Walden Exercise Video – What better way to get motivated to lose weight than from the guy who kicks people’s ass in Celebrity Fit club?
20 Questions Pop/Rock game – This is a handheld electronic game that tries to guess the artist, song, or album that you are thinking of by asking 20 questions. I beat it on the first try because I was thinking of Butch Walker. Apparently they forgot to add in the lead singer of “Freak of the Week.” Who are the programmers of this thing? Their answer was Jeff Tweedy, and to that we exclaimed “WHO THE HELL IS JEFF TWEEDY???!!!” I don’t know but I guess someone thinks he’s more popular than Butch. Fuck them!
Kiss Trivia Game – It comes in a cool Kiss collector tin. You know with a collector tin you can’t go wrong because even if the game sucks I can get rid of the game and keep shit in the tin.
DX window cling – Now my car can be adorned with the same DX logo that HBK and Triple H sprayed onto Titan Tower.
Captain Lou Albano Shirt – Yeah, I said it…a Captain Lou Albano Shirt. The original was impossible to find unless you want to spend over $100 on eBay. My girlfriend got her artistic sister to draw the sketch of the shirt and then had a t-shirt made of it. It was definitely the best, most creative gift I got this year. Who in all of Whoville got a Captain Lou Albano shirt for Christmas this year? That’s right – no one, and I’m sure it would’ve been easier for my gf to get me a box of rubber bands to tape to my cheek, but she had to go and get all creative!

Honorable mention goes to Raw Vs. Smack down ‘07 and Marvel Ultimate Alliance, this would be a tie because I’m equally as pumped for both. I competed against my girlfriend in Raw vs. Smackdown earlier this evening. I havent played any wrestling games for play station since about 2001and let me say that they’ve come a long way! The game play is easier and the graphics are amazing. (I wound up losing the match because I couldn’t figure out how to get back in the ring!)

I also wanted to take the opportunity to mention James Brown. I don’t know anyone who wasn’t a fan of the Godfather of Soul. He was performing all the way to the end. I got to see him last year when he was invited out to perform with the Black Eyed Peas at Madison Square Garden. The Garden went wild for him, and he turned in a kick-ass cameo. To say he will be missed by all is an understatement, R.I.P James Brown.