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Wonder if Wonder Woman Spits or Swallows? Wonder No More…

Posted on December 17, 2008March 9, 2021 by sexyarmpit

Sitting comically on a shelf at the nearest Five Below, Wonder Woman takes the form of some sort of bath foam. For that extra shot of perversity, Wonder Woman squirts, spurts, and regurgitates “crazy foam” in a completely blatant display of nerdcore porn. This isn’t the first time we’ve seen foamy soaps done superhero style, but in this case, we can place Wonder Woman “Crazy Foam” at the top of the peak of all children’s bath foam canisters. In a glaring contrast, I’m pulling for the KISS camp to license a Gene Simmons can that spews red shave gel. It may actually make me look forward to shaving and unlike this Wonder Woman can, it would be highly appropriate.

Don’t you wonder who over at DC Comics was responsible for the Wonder Woman Crazy Foam Canister getting a huge green AUTHORIZED stamp? While drunk at the DC licensing party, I wonder if some of the hornier employees approved the proposal for a Fleshlight-style “Wonder Woman’s Mouth” special edition. Some lonely guys out there would probably kill for one.

DC Infinite Heroes Crisis 3-Pack: Superman, Supergirl, & Wonder Girl!

Posted on December 15, 2008 by sexyarmpit

The recent climate in the world of toys is all about capitalizing on the older, harder to please collector. Toy companies such as Mattel and Hasbro blatantly pander to hardcore collectors. I do appreciate the recent innovations, but I don’t believe that toy aisles should be filled with such expensive, delicately crafted action figures that belong in the Smithsonian rather than a milk crate in my ’80s den. I stick to the basics and would be more apt to buy something that looks fun to own rather than a dust collector. I am interested in collectible statues and busts, but they have no place in toy aisles.

One of the prime culprits is DC Comics whose action figures really stepped up their game and their prices. Not to sound like an old fogey, but I recall days as a kid when I could literally buy 6 action figures on clearance for $2 or $3 bucks. Nowadays ONE Star Wars Clone Wars /Legacy action figure costs OVER $6 bucks! Regardless of inflation, is this tiny piece of plastic worth that kind of money? I say HELL NO, It’s a toy for fuck’s sake! If I was a kid right now and had some money saved from birthdays or allowance cash, I’d break the bank if I had to pay $7 bucks for ONE action figure. This is a shitty time for toys if you ask me. Sure us geeky dudes get all wet in the pants when we see a really cool rare character get a highly detailed treatment, but what do we actually do with it? The minority of us are actually using them to act out a storyline, and if you are, I commend you because at least you’re getting your money’s worth.

Even with my efforts of keeping up with the latest toy and collectible news, these new DCU Infinite Heroes Crisis 3- packs somehow zoomed passed my radar. I’m glad I got a hold of this set at Target this weekend. Here’s the 3-pack which includes Powergirl, Superman, and Supergirl:

It’s pretty sickening that I spent $16 bucks this set. That price breaks down to about $5 bucks per figure, which is far from a bargain especially in the dismal economic climate. What caught my eye about this set is the figure’s smaller size. Too many figures today are being made too big. My first action figure memories come from Star Wars and Super Powers figures, both small in size, and both made by Kenner. My taste in toys has been influenced by those two toy lines in a major way. This set brought me back to those days. Even though they’re small in size, they’re detailed, colorful, and seem more collectible than a 6 inch figure. In addition, buying smaller figures in 3-packs is more exciting than just buying them seperately.

My only gripe with this series is that this is the only 3-pack that I NEED to have among the ones available because Superman looks awesome and Powergirl and Supergirl look super sexy fine. In the other sets, Black Canary, Starfire, and Raven could stand to look way hotter. This is the problem with dating action figures, they don’t slut it up enough.

Even though I’m not an anal toy collector, I do keep up on the latest action figures and toy trends by reading these sites (among others) so check them out when you get a chance:

Toyriffic

Eclectorama

Poe Ghostal

Nocturna Mission #3

Posted on October 22, 2008 by sexyarmpit

It’s nearly impossible to keep track of the sizzling love affair between Batman and the Mistress of the Night, Nocturna. Seriously people! In our last post they were just fighting over a Robin costume at a Halloween store! And now these two crazy kids are passionately sucking face on the cover of Detective Comics #556 from way back in November of 1985!

All I know is, if DC Comics ever released one of those Fabio type romance novels, then the cover would be exactly the same as the one on this issue! The cover art is truly fantastic with a very detailed version of the quintiessential ’80s Batman sticking his tongue down this goth bitch Nocturna’s throat. Makes me want to do it too. Good for him. Every guy has a fetish. At the time Batman was into thieving, underhanded goth chicks.

The skies are pouring with red rain and Nocturna’s babbling on about the night being “raped.” What the hell is going on? I’m convinced that this has to be the Anne Rice version of Batman. Then Jason Todd is having his little Oedipus complex with Nocturna. Heck, I probably would too, look at her cleavage! You know she’s sitting like that on purpose! And keep in mind BLOOD droplets are falling onto her ghostly white skin! It probably looked like a bomb pop when the red part started melting and dripping onto the white middle part. Yummy! Lick it up. It’s only right now!

Look at the way her legs are wrapped around that rope! Makes me feel kinda funny. Hey Papparazzi…where are you when we need some Nocturna upskirts? Who gives a shit about Lindsay Lohan? Where are those damn photographers when we have some real business to take care of? We have a certified klepto-goth hybrid chick with a hot bod climbing a friggin’ rope with her dress flailing all over the place and no photographers to be found. Useless creeps!

Whoa, wait a minute…was this Detective Comics or an episode of Passions? How does Batman even put up with her absurd rhetoric? Nocturna’s clearly only good for one thing: making out!

Oh man, I could feel the melodrama sticking all over me like it was marshmallow filling in a chocolate pumpkin.

Nocturna Mission #2

Posted on October 17, 2008 by sexyarmpit

Tonight, The Sexy Armpit will take a look at Detective Comics #543 which features “The Battle of the Century! Nocturna vs. Batman…and the prize is ROBIN!” The cover of this issue is colorful and awesome. Nocturna’s ghostly skin and blueish/black hair really stands out. The Batman logo underneath the Detective Comics header has always been my favorite. To be real for a second, it looks like Batman and Nocturna are about to go at it for the LAST Robin costume at a local Gotham Halloween store before closing time on October 30th! Maybe there’s a kids in their extended families who really wanted to dress up as Robin this year?

NOCTURNA: “That’s my Robin costume Batman! Get your gloves off!”
BATMAN: “Nocturna, you’re unwillingness to let this Robin costume go will only get you further
into trouble. Stealing is a crime! You’ll spend the rest of your life in the Gotham State Penitentiary!
NOCTURNA: Your cowl has apparently stopped the oxygen flow to your brain because ain’t NO WAY IN HELL you’re getting this vintage Jason Todd era Robin costume. I’m calling Halloween store security.
BATMAN: Don’t bother, you won’t know which one is the real security guard or the store employee modeling their security guard costume, which is new this year. I’ve taken the liberty of ensuring that both of them were walking around at precisely this moment because I knew you and I might’ve had a run in. I’ve also taken the precaution of ingesting a special super strong bat-antidote pill just for the heck of it.
NOCTURNA: Do you know why we don’t have sex anymore? Cause you’re truly a bore, do you know that? Now give me this damn costume!
BATMAN: Possession is 9/10ths of the law Nocturna! Don’t make me call Chief O’Hara!
NOCTURNA: I will have anything I want, even if I have to steal it!
…the real store security comes running over to the scuffle…
SECURITY: Unhand that costume Nocturna! It belongs to Batman! You’re under arrest
for stealing store merchandise!
NOCTURNA: WHAT?
BATMAN: You see Nocturna, I obviously didn’t need another Robin costume, especially since I have about 75 extra ones in the Batcave that Alfred made up. This is just a little thing I like to call entrapment.
NOCTURNA: YOU SCOUNDREL!
BATMAN: Now maybe if you would’ve opened up those long cadaverous legs of yours for some bat-action once in a while then this wouldn’t have happened, you bloodless bitch!

Hey, check out that Fun House…it reminds me of the one from Dark Ride!

Interview with Iron-Cow Productions’ Matt Cauley

Posted on July 16, 2008 by sexyarmpit

I cannot believe you actually have something this cool in your house!

– Mouth from The Goonies

I was fortunate enough to snag this amazing customized Batcave last year from the Iron-Cow Productions store on eBay. The Batcave playset utilizes a custom version of the ’89 Batcave playset from Toy Biz and also features a custom Joker card and giant penny from Batman’s Trophy Room. Naturally, this custom Batcave is one of the highlights of my Batman collection. And YES, it takes center stage in my bedroom! You could imagine how many “40-Year Old Virgin” jokes I get even though I’ve got a while to go before I reach 40!

The man behind Iron-Cow Productions is Matt Cauley, who has grabbed the attention of the industry by showcasing his amazing custom action figures, and illustrations. Matt is a featured contributer to ToyFare Magazine, and he also designed various DC Direct, Battlestar Galactica, and Marvel Comics Minimate action figures. In honor of the Dark Knight countdown Matt “Iron-Cow” Cauley granted me an interview to talk a little bit about what’s going on with his company and how he feels about the premiere of The Dark Knight.

The Batcave playset pictured here was created by Iron-Cow Productions, after all the different properties from Marvel, DC and other companies you’ve customized for do you have a favorite universe or character to work on?

Well, I’ve been a Batman fan all my life, so I’m naturally drawn to him. He’s what got me into comic books and since I drew him so many times as a kid, he’s the character on whom I really developed my art skills. In fact, the earliest surviving piece of Matt-art is a picture of Batman. Batman is easily the character that I’ve customized the most. Black, blue, animated, artist-specific, stylized… no version of the character seems too obscure for me to purchase for my collection, or for me to customize one of my own. You’d think I might get tired of customizing Batman over and over again, but I really have a blast with the character and love all the various interpretations.At least by staying primarily with one character, it gives me a lot of focus. This might explain why all my Doctor Who projects never get finished. With that line there are simply SO many characters I want to make, I’ll start on a new one before finishing up any already started project.

Whether it be illustrations or customizations, do you have any dream projects you’d like to work on?

It’s funny you say that. With the DC Minimates line, I was able to combine both my love of toys and illustrating. The S.T.R.I.P.E. Minimate was based off not only my control art, but if you remove the chest piece, you can see my illustration as well, in the form of his inner cockpit. That was definitely a fun project, creatively speaking. And, since I’m *such* a Batman fan, getting to help design a DC line really was a dream come true! Hopefully the Doctor Who Minimates will see the light of day. Ever since I was a kid, Batman and Doctor Who were my two biggest passions, and to have the opportunity to design toys for both lines? Seriously, that is my dream come true.

Are you looking forward to The Dark Knight?

That opens soon, right? I might catch it at some point. In reality, my wife and I are checking it out Friday night. Can’t wait! Obviously, I don’t know more than anyone else out there, but I have such ridiculous high hopes for this movie. I seem to remember the website TheOneRing.net having a countdown clock for when “Fellowship of the Ring” was to be released. I found myself obsessively checking that, and then unintentionally counting down the days in my head. 12 months, 6 months… 25 days, etc. The website Batman-on-Film.com has a similar countdown clock, and it feels like I’ve been counting down the days to Dark Knight for as long as I can remember. After this Saturday, though, it’ll be interesting to see what is next in line to obsess over. Sure, there’s Iron Man 2 and the Avengers, but for me I need to know when Batman 3 is in the works!

What are some projects Iron-Cow is working on right now?

Most of what I’m doing these days isn’t toy-related at all. I’ve been contributing art to the GREENDOG and EPIC THREADS fashion line that’s exclusive to Macy’s. That’s definitely been an interesting project, as they allow me so much creative freedom. Walking into a store and seeing my art hanging there on the rack gets me grinning from ear to ear. I’ve also been putting together a huge series of portrait paintings for an art show later this year. One of these should be appearing in the upcoming ‘Eye Candy for Strangers’ coffee table book, so look for a sneak peek this summer!

If someone was insulting New Jersey would you go along with them and come up with zingers of your own or would you defend the honor of Jersey and explain all the reasons why it’s great? Either way we won’t hold it against you!

Now WHY would anyone insult Jersey? Now, Texas, on the other hand… you do NOT mess with!

Thank you Matt! I appreciate it!

Wow, Matt is even designing art for clothing lines! And he’s comical too. He was obviously being funny when I asked about The Dark Knight and he replied “That’s opens soon right?” Haha! You can check out Matt’s work at http://www.ironcowprod.com/! He’s got a great Michael Keaton/Batman customization posted there among a TON of other great stuff. Be sure to look out for his customized figures, illustrations, and free downloads to help with your own customizations!

A Memoir by The Green Hornet

Posted on June 18, 2008 by sexyarmpit

To whom it may concern:

I never asked for much. I never wanted to be number one, I never asked them for anything. I didn’t have any “wonderful toys”, or crazy bionic-geo-thermal-night-gear-infrared suits. It was a hat and an overcoat, and I even got a little mask to cover part of my face. I got a neat car, no, not the Hornet-mobile, the Black Beauty. Yes, the name sounds like a horse, and it’s considered a “clunker” by today’s standards. It didn’t even talk, or cocoon itself.

Sure my sidekick Kato just happened to be Asian. I have nothing against Asians, but just because of his nationality he thought he was some martial arts “expert”. He was always trying to show off, making me look like a total incompetent tool. You might know Kato from “The Kato Show” oh no, wait…that’s what my show “The Green Hornet” was called in Hong Kong. Villains? Rogues Gallery? No such thing. It was about as exciting as a bank tellers banquet. No one with face paint, split personalities, serum injecting psychos, and especially no crazy reptiles. No, there was no Hornet-signal to light up the night sky, but I owned a newspaper, The Daily Sentinel. Excitement personified.

My great grand uncle was the Lone Ranger. Do you know how hard it was living in his shadow? The man carried silver bullets! He was a legend and they made him hang out with an angry Native American. Wow, aren’t we a stereotypical bunch! Tonto must’ve been some prick though, always poking fun at L.R calling him “Kimosabe”. I’da belted him one. That wasn’t too long before Wayne Enterprises bought the Daily Sentinel and re-named it the Gotham Globe. Publishers revolted: “Britt Reid’s not cool enough to own a newspaper.” (direct quote)

Apparently I wasn’t cool enough for DC comics, who wouldn’t even touch me with one of Penguin’s umbrellas. Marvel said let’s tell Stan about him and see what he could do with him. The next month SPIDER MAN debuted in the comics, that’s how effed up Stan is. I finally signed with now-defunct NOW comics, the publishers of the ever popular Ralph Snart, Married with Children, and Robocop titles. (among other quality books)

What about show biz? Hollywood you ask? Well, when my glory days of radio were over, my TV show wasn’t fun and exciting enough so they teamed us up with Batman and Robin. Those caped clowns were gayer-than-gay in their leotards. I was so much more of a bad-ass. You’ll notice in that episode I was such a hardcore outcast compared to the others. I got no respect. They were in talks to make a movie starring GREG KINNEAR playing myself, but it never got off the ground. Not enough “Flash and Balls” they said. I said, Eff ’em. I don’t need them. But the franchise and merchandising rights alone would’ve made me rich beyond my wildest dreams.

God knows I haven’t been in a film since they re-created a scene from the TV show for “Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story”. As of now the Green Hornet film is in limbo and the licenses and options belong to Miramax. Last I heard Seth Rogen was writing a script about me. I’ll remember him in my will since by the time he finishes the damn thing I’ll be dead. Chances are if Seth Rogen writes the script, the movie will be about how some old time pothead radio announcer, who couldn’t pronounce his “R” sound, began calling me Bwitt Weed instead of Britt Reid. One of my tag lines that shows up in the teaser trailer will probably be “They don’t call me the GREEN Hornet for nothing” as I exhale a cloud of green smoke which also doubles as a sleeping gas that I use to fight criminals. Maybe I should just write the damn thing? (sswswswswsw whispers…..WAIT WHAT? They want Seth Rogen to play ME?”) What a joke. Why don’t they just kill me on the spot and cast Jonah Hill? Whatever, f-ck it. They won’t listen to any of MY thoughts on who should play me! After all…who knows me better than me??? TED “JEFFERSON” MCGINLEY BITCHES! If we’re going to make this funny then we may as well go for the gold here.

Oh and for those who’ve been pretending to care about what I’ve been doing lately then here it goes: For the last six months I’ve been living with Big Aunt Bertha. The sad part is she’s not even my aunt. I’m not even related to her. She’s a prostitute. I couldn’t pay her, so she’s forced me to stay here with her. She’s smelly and enormous. I hate rubbing her feet. I’ve learned to try and enjoy giving her oral pleasure, and some of the other God awful things she makes me do. It wouldn’t be that bad if she didn’t have a DING-DONG down there. I do get a meal every two weeks. It’s not anything exquisite, but then again, I’m living in a rat infested shack with an enormous prostitute. I cannot keep writing, because Bertha is behind me.

But I’ll leave you with this: I wasn’t a flying squirrel, not even a cool bird or serpent, I was a bug, just a fly on the wall. But I wasn’t just a fly, I was a HORNET! A Hornet who couldn’t fly. A Hornet who’s writing this wearing the old Hornet mask and green lingerie, bent over getting “Bertha-fied”, with a gun in his mouth.

BERTHA: “Ohh my Britt…You are onnee horrrnny Hornet!”

I’ll try…to…keep one shred of …de…decency… if I could just reach my Hornet sting…

………………..Kato!!!

Ahh, Thank goodness you’re here, get this Fat Piece of Shit off my ass!

Mullets in Comic Books

Posted on May 21, 2008 by sexyarmpit

If you haven’t checked it out yet, here’s the Top 10 Mullets in Marvel History! I only wish someone compiled a list for the WORST HAIRCUTS in the DC Universe, naturally, Magpie would be at the TOP of the list! I’m pretty sure she used a flowbee to get that one of a kind look.