MTV’s JERSEY GORE: Fist Pumping Zombie Guidos With Ripped Abs

Jersey Gore Pin
MTV’s Jersey Shore is about to jump the shark. The fourth season premieres tonight and it was all filmed in Italy. Oh, and Deena is now an official cast member which just means she’ll be stripping for any guy in Italy who pays attention to her. So, after spotting this JERSEY GORE pin at the last Monster Mania in Cherry Hill, I had an idea. This pin, which was for sale at the Bad Zombie/NJ Zombie Walk table, made me think of how much better the show would be if the cast all got turned into zombies.
The cast’s lame fights and corny, sappy romances would be elevated to a much more entertaining level if they were all part of the undead. I for one am frigging sick to death of all of Ronnie’s crying and whining about Sammie. F*ck that. If they were zombies I don’t think they’d really give a shit and I don’t think they’d do very much talking either so it’s a win-win. I’d love to see them all show up at a club down the shore with their jaws hanging open, eyeballs all white and glazed over, and their once artificially tanned bodies have decomposed into pale rotting flesh. No need for G.T.L anymore!
At the very least, I think it would be a great idea for the show to film a Halloween episode at the Asbury Park Zombie Walk since it’s a huge record setting deal. That would beat out an entire season’s worth of episodes from Italy. One question though, can walking corpses still maintain ridiculous abs?

Snooki Smurf a.k.a Jersey Smurf

Photobucket

Celebrity Smurfs We’d Like to See was a featured colum last year on Lopez Tonight‘s website. On the list we learned that the only orange Smurf is Jersey Smurf! Let’s hope the fake tanned Snooki/Smurf hybrid doesn’t go off into Smurf village and corrupt Smurfette by taking her out to all the Smurf juice bars. After a night beatin’ up the beat, I can only imagine what kind of a Situation it will be when a sloshed Smurfette smushes some gorilla juice head.

Ad Jerseum 12: More McDonald’s Billboards

Photobucket

Michelle Obama recently hailed McDonald’s efforts to make Happy Meals healthier. The Sexy Armpit has also hailed McD’s recently for it’s regional “Toast Your Town” marketing campaign. Although the last McDonald’s billboard I spotted was a bit convoluted (read this link), the two latest McDonald’s Toast Your Town billboards I found are pretty damn cool.

New Jersey’s coastline stretches for nearly 130 miles, but The Garden State is far from tropical. It’s safe to say that any palm tree you see is either of the cheesy fiber optic variety, a blow up pool decoration, or imported from a warmer state. Considering that we constantly get pummeled with blizzards in the winter, the idea of a drink that can make us feel more tropical or exotic here in NJ is welcome. All I have to do to feel tropical is buy a fruity drink from McDonalds? Will the Mango Pineapple Fruit Smoothie automatically transport me to an exotic island? Obviously a mere smoothie won’t whisk you away on a $10,000 dollar getaway to Hawaii, but perhaps Long Beach Island will be in your future? I bet they also recommend the tanning salon for the full effect.
I have to hand it to the McDonald’s marketing team for utilizing the localized ad concept. It’s an effective way to reach groups of people in specific regions. Most of the nationwide McDonalds ads are fairly generic and aren’t very impressive, so these are at least more entertaining. They must be, especially since I felt they were worth a follow up blog post.

Photobucket
The “pumping fists not gas” line has previously appeared on t-shirts and bumper stickers.

 A large iced coffee at McDonalds probably would make me want to pump my fists, but not because I want to be mistaken for a guido, more because I would be insanely hopped up on caffeine.

If you read the last installment of Ad Jerseum, you will probably agree that despite whatever controversy exists between New York and New Jersey, The Statue of Liberty is simply not a symbol of New Jersey. People associate Lady Liberty with New York and naturally, the entire United States. I would say more people think of guidos when they hear “New Jersey” mentioned. It’s unfortunate that thanks to MTV’s hard-on for guidos, New Jersey may never overcome that association. Regardless of it being a negative association or not, I’ll admit that the second I saw the words “fist pump” the ad had my attention. I can’t believe fist pumping is as part of New Jersey as plastic surgery is to California. Yay stereotypes!

Best Boardwalks In The U.S!

Best Boardwalks in U.S
To many of us in Jersey, the boardwalk is not only a big part of our summer, but we have so many memories walking them with our parents and friends. New Jersey is home to 2 of the best boardwalks in the United States according to the list published on National Geographic’s website. Seaside and Point Pleasant didn’t make the list, but Atlantic City nabbed the top spot, and surprisingly, Wildwood came in at number 10. Although I’m biased, it would be totally illogical not to have at least one of NJ’s boardwalks high on the list since we are pretty much known for them. Watch the tram car please! 

DISNEY’S Boardwalk Empire?

Photobucket


What’s most likely the furthest thing from your mind when visiting Disney World: New Jersaaayyyy. The idea of taking a trip to Disney World is usually to get away from all the hustle and bustle. But, as many times as I’ve been to the happiest place on earth, I never realized that one of Disney’s deluxe resorts is inspired by early 20th century Atlantic City and Ocean City NJ. So much for a magical getaway from The Garden State!

It seems the mouse house capitlized on their own “Boardwalk Empire” nearly 15 years before HBO aired their period drama. Opened in 1996 and located near Epcot and Disney Hollywood Studios, The Boardwalk Inn and its boardwalk have been compared to shore towns along the Northeastern coast of the U.S in the 20th century, but Disney specifically mentions Atlantic City in the description on their website.

The Boardwalk itself is an actual stretch of boardwalk on Crescent Lake built in the style of Coney Island and Atlantic City in their heyday. The Boardwalk features unique shops, restaurants, and the only microbrewery in Walt Disney World. Also, one of the restaurants is the ESPN Club, a modern sports bar. Got to give Disney points for accuracy. There’s a couple of things you’ll never have a problem finding in New Jersey: beer and sports bars.

Trip Advisor reviews for The Boardwalk resort are pretty high, but one complaint seems to come from people who stayed in rooms overlooking the actual boardwalk. Noise from Disney’s Boardwalk is common since occasionally there are bands playing. There’s also a boat that will transport you to the nearby parks and it blows a horn when it pulls in to the dock located on the boardwalk. If none of that bothers you then you might want to stay there on your next Disney adventure.

From the Disney World website:

“Disney’s BoardWalk Inn is a Disney Deluxe Resort that captures the charm, whimsy and elegance of 1940s Atlantic City. Sitting along a boardwalk packed with amusements, the Resort offers dynamic views of activity below and of the glittering waters of Crescent Lake.”

“Stroll along Disney’s BoardWalk during the day to explore the unusual shops and restaurants. When the sun cools down, the nightlife heats up with street performers, food vendors, midway games and lots of live entertainment.”

Pirates of The Caribbean: On Jersey Tides

Photobucket

Avast all these negative reviews! The critics are scallywags! Aye, if you’re a swashbuckler yourself then I’ll stake my last swig of rum that you won’t be disappointed in Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. Grab your wench and make way for the theater!

The fast paced, action packed opening scene includes Captain Jack Sparrow salivating over a pastry. Pirates eat pastries, and wash them down with rum it’s simple as that. They also get advice from Keith Richards, and yes, he’s back! Depp is also back in top form as Captain Jack Sparrow, a character I never get bored of watching. This time the journey involved the fountain of youth, and standing in the way is Blackbeard (Ian McShane). On Stranger Tides allows Sparrow to be funny, heroic, and yet still underhanded because after all, he’s a pirate! I even drew a comparison to Teen Wolf of all films. Sparrow balanced atop moving carriages through a town during the opening sequence just like Styles did on top of Howard’s Hardware van. Styles was a bit of a pirate wasn’t he?

In a twist that I found pretty damn cool, we find out that Captain Jack corrupted a young girl while she was in a convent years back and now she’s out for revenge. Penelope Crews plays the spunky Angelica, a fiery female pirate who was once spoiled by Sparrow. Depp and Crews chemistry was the highlight of the film and I’d like to see more of it in this series. With Depp pushing 50 and Crews pushing 40, both actors look like they went through a real life fountain of youth. Crews was a perfect casting choice to help extend this franchise and I do hope to see her in future installments. HINT: If you wait until after the credits role you’ll see a clip featuring Angelica and who she might set her eyes on in the next film.

As for the 3-D effect, it was not overdone. I forgot I even had the IMAX 3-D glasses on for the majority of the movie. I thought it would be a sword jabbing fest. Like in most 3-D movies that feature swords, they only jutted out toward the audience a few times. The half underwater scenes were superb. You know those scenes when only half the camera is submerged underwater? In this film that effect seemed so real that it made me feel like I was actually underwater. But beware, you will need your sea legs for one scene though. Captain Jack and Barbossa meet inside of Ponce de Leon’s ship which is stuck up on top of a mountain. As they attempt to duel they realize that the ship begins to sway back and forth as they move. This balancing act scene may indeed make you sea sick and they aren’t even in the ocean!

Entertainment Weekly reviewer Owen Gleiberman writes in his review that he had began to wish that “…Russell Brand had been handed the role of Jack Sparrow.” Wow, what a moronic comment. If you want a movie that’s a total mockery then you can get Brand. Swapping Brand for Depp is an insult. Depp is an infinitely skilled actor while Brand is a decent comedian who only half of the U.S can tolerate.

I don’t know what critics are expecting out of these movies. I got everything I expected and more out of the film. They’ll rant and rave about how amazing Toy Story 3 was, yet pan an adventurous and highly entertaining Pirate film with Johnny Depp. Doesn’t make sense. Will the Pirates franchise ever release another film as good as the first one? I doubt it, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be a close second, which is what On Stranger Tides is. And for those critics who complained that it was too much like the other films, I disagree. There were so many aspects of this installment that set it apart from the rest. First off, the mermaids were ridiculously awesome and their scenes will take you by surprise. These are not the Daryl Hannah type of mermaid you’re accustomed to. All the excitement is accented by the outstanding musical score. I didn’t think it was possible to improve upon the rousing musical score of these films, but they did. Hans Zimmer contributes another stellar soundtrack.

Read about Pirate activity in NJ:

Jersey Shore Gone Wilde

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mhk5Rjz7xk0?rel=0]

Even though you may have seen it already, I couldn’t resist posting this video mash up of Jersey Shore and Broadway’s The Importance of Being Earnest courtesy of The Roundabout Theatre Company. This is the first part of a multi part series created for Playbill by The Importance of Being Earnest stars Santino Fontana and David Furr.

Zombie Beach Party in Asbury Park!

Zombie Beach Party, Asbury Park

This isn’t your typical day at the beach. If you stay away from the Jersey Shore because parking it’s always packed with guidos, parking is a nightmare, and the sand always burns three layers of skin off of your feet, then you might try playing dead for a change. If you’re not a beach person and Frankie and Annette make you want to peel your skin off, you may make an exception for the retro themed Zombie Beach Party in Asbury Park, coming to you from the organizers of the NJ Zombie Walk (winners of the 2010 Guinness Record for Largest Gathering of Zombies in the World).

RSVP at their Facebook page
May 28th, 2011
12:00 PM – 5:00 PM
Asbury Park Boardwalk

Will MTV Shed Some SKINS?

Photobucket
Featured Sexy Armpit writer N.J Holden is back, and this time he’s offering his editorial expertise 
on MTV’s controversial show, SKINS. He also explores two of the cast members’ Jersey roots.

With television saturated by so-called “reality” shows, MTV cheerfully bathes in it from head to toe. At any given time on any given day, shows such as True Life, Teen Mom, The Real World, and (ugh) Jersey Shore can be seen and have, in a sense, become the network’s standard in terms of programming. But when it was announced that it was producing Skins, few could have anticipated such a myriad of hype and controversy about a hand-me down drama from England about teens up to their eyeballs in sex and drugs. Forget its other show The Hard Times of RJ Berger (whose geeky high school protagonist has the endowment of John Holmes); Skins seemed to have a bulls eye on it from the get-go. After its initial airing, major sponsors pulled their ads and the Parents Television Council (PTC) called for its cancellation, citing that the nudity amongst its cast was dangerously near child pornography (despite the brief nude scenes, it never becomes graphic or sexual in context) since most of its cast was under the age of 18. But if you look past all the cries of denouncement, one would find that MTV has finally put on a good show, but one that seems destined for a brief life.

Using a talented cast of unknowns (including New Jersey natives Sofia Black D’Elia and Daniel Flaherty), the show follows the lives of a small clique of teens with a penchant for anything bad. From scoring legal and illegal drugs to switching sexual partners on a dime, this is KIDS (that cult classic from 1995) for the new millennium, but with more sympathetic characters than their New York counterparts (hell, even more sympathy than those Jersey Shore clowns). Stanley (Flaherty) is the group’s warm heart and soul, an aloof kid with marijuana smoke for brains who is torn between his best friend’s girlfriend and his own girlfriend, all of whom carry their own sorts of baggage. Meanwhile, Tea (D’Elia) is an open lesbian who questions her sexuality after a forbidden tryst with her friend’s boyfriend Tony, the clique’s macho leader whose swagger is only matched by his appetite for destruction, sometimes at the cost of his own friends. Along with the group, the show features subplots as a student-teacher relationship, a disastrous class trip into the woods, homelessness, and ill-equipped parents either not ready to deal with their kids or are too busy being kids themselves. For one hour each week, all of these ingredients are stirred together to give people a reason to forget “reality” shows and see a grossly (but not too distorted) view of why teenagers are revered and abhorred in today’s society. Every teenager seems to have feelings of superiority and invincibility and combined with irresponsibility and a lack of remorse, nothing good can come of this which is what the show demonstrates.

With Jersey Shore as its lead-in, Skins seemed to be a guaranteed success, not to mention the heavy promotion the network put behind it. But with its numbers far below expectations and the viewers dwindling week by week, the fate of the show (at the time of this writing) was still up in the air. An online petition was formed in the hopes of keeping it alive at least for another season if not more. While MTV thrives on controversy, the backlash may have worked against it. Is the show racy? Yes, but it never crosses over into sleaze territory, and those who have cried foul over the show’s depiction of sex and drugs failed to realize that the show never glamorizes or promotes it. Whatever the outcome, Skins has introduced NJ’s own D’Elia and Flaherty into the mainstream; two actors who are sure to become stars sooner or later. Let’s hope sooner.

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 74: Take Sesame Street To The Jersey Shore

jersey shore sesame street 2

Mash-ups in pop culture are inevitable no matter how blasphemous. If you grew up watching Sesame Street and The Muppet Show, then there’s a damn good chance you are furious over the mere idea of the Sesame Street gang getting mixed up with the cast of Jersey Shore. It’s like the apostles banding together to create one righteously badass boy band, it’s just something that’s never supposed to happen. But when t-shirt sales are involved, all bets are off!

For some reason I can see Bert and Ernie going tanning and doing laundry, but I doubt I’d catch them at the gym since they seem pretty doughy. Maybe The Situation and Pauly D. have inspired them to tone up for beach season or bathtub season in their case? Oscar seems to fit right in. He’s chillin’ in a trash can that has an “I Heart Jersey” sign on it, and I’m sure he’ll be quite happy since we’ve got a helluva lot of trash here in Jersey. They really should’ve got the Muppets in on this and asked Miss Piggy if she wanted to be Snooki.

jersey shore sesame street 1

In the t-shirt pictured above, It looks like Cookie Monster turned red from too much tanning and had a sex change. I always thought Cookie Monster was male but seeing him as Snooki Monster has me worried. I hope Cookie Monster didn’t go and have any weird Muppet operation. I realize it’s only a play on words but who knows, right? Do you have a direct line into Cookie Monster’s personal affairs? Does he tell you his innermost feelings? Maybe he was never comfortable as himself and he engorges himself with COOOOOOKIES to help alleviate his misery. Until you truly know Cookie Monster then don’t make any assumptions! If he wants to have an operation to become a pudgy, tanned guidette who eats pickles instead of cookies, then so be it. We love you either way Cookie Monster.