Foreign Objects Protruding From New Jersey!

Now that I’m apparently splitting my time between New Jersey and Las Vegas, I figured you wouldn’t miss me too much if I went to Vegas again. In anticipation of my next trip out there this weekend, I post for your investigation 2 photos that I snapped that I can’t seem to figure out.

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Hanging from the ceiling of the restaurant America, in New York, New York in Las Vegas (who coincidentally had an awesome veggie burger with fresh avocado strips on it) was a model of the entire United States. Each state had a miniature trademark, for instance, Pennsylvania featured the Liberty Bell, New York City had skyscrapers, and upstate New York had apples.
What perplexed me for the entire trip was the enigmatic objects that were jammed into New Jersey. 

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Dammit, Jersey gets so much flack all the time and now I discover THIS! Why is everyone always shitting all over New Jersey? 

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What in the hell is that shit on NJ? Obviously anyone in their right mind can see that there’s a slot machine there to signify Atlantic City, but what about the other crap?  Up north there’s some sort of Leaning Tower of Pisa. I haven’t the slightest clue what it’s supposed to be. Down in south Jersey, what I can see with the best of my ability is some weird looking roasted red pepper. There’s no chance that’s what it is, but I’ll be damned if someone tries to convince me it’s The Jersey Devil or something. If that’s what it’s supposed to be it’s the shittiest likeness of The Jersey Devil in the history of ceiling hung models of the U.S. Where the fuck is the Franklin Mint when you need them? Damn their veggie burgers are kickass but their version of New Jersey is all out of whack. Sure New York, New York gets it’s own state right but they f–k New Jersey up royally. Why don’t they give up this stupid grudge already?
I couldn’t resist adding this picture I took of the exterior of some cheesy stores on the Vegas strip. Notice the airbrushed t-shirts on the left. 

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The first shirt is classic: I Love to Fart a.k.a I Heart to Fart! Oh man, this is the best valentine’s day gift for a person who loves to fart. I’m pretty sure there’s others in the high fashion line such as “I love to take toxic dumps” and I Love “I Heart” Shirts. Watch out because Mark Ecko and Ed Hardy will be releasing their own versions of these pretty soon. Get these originals while you can since the designer brands will be $150 a pop.
If it’s possible, the shirts grow more tasteless from left to right, but let’s be honest…Vegas isn’t the classiest place in the country. 
This next shirt features a stick figure going down on another stick figure. It reads: Warning: Choking Hazard! Package contains large parts Keep out of reach of small women.
Last and finally not least, the Warner Brother’s logo has been paid the ultimate tribute. If you see ‘da police Warn a Brother!

Ashley Tisdale is January’s Garden State Playmate!

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No these ladies haven’t been featured in Playboy, but if they are a) hot, and b) from New Jersey, live in the state, or have lived in the state at one time, then they’ll be featured in this new column here at The Armpit called “Garden State Playmates.” GSP spotlights well known female personalities including actresses, musicians, models, porn stars, and whoever else I deem deserving of this exalted honor. 

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Congratulations to the first ever GSP, Ashley Tisdale! Considering the fact that many of my readers have children who like Ashley Tisdale, let’s not make this weird O.K? Here’s some facts about Ashley thanks to the assist from Wikipedia:
– Ashley was born in Monmouth County, NJ and grew up in a ritzy part of Ocean Township.
– Her Grandfather created Ginsu knives and she’s also related to “Set it, and forget it!” Ron Popeil. That’s most likely where they had the money to live in Ocean Township.
– She appeared in over 100 commercials as a child. Can you say “showbiz mom” ???

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– In the High School Musical series, the name of Tisdale’s character is Sharpay Evans. I don’t know about you but that name makes me want to puke.
– Had a small role in Richard Kelly’s awesome film, Donnie Darko.
– She is the face of Degree Girl deodorant, and hopefully she uses it liberally. She’s got to keep those armpits sexy if she wants to keep her title of GSP.
– Has her own “Ashley Doll” made by Huckleberry Toys:

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– Claimed that her nose job was a necessary health precaution due to a deviated septum that was interfering with her breathing. Ashley told People magazine that she wanted to be honest with her fans. If she really was being honest she could’ve said that she hated her nose and she would be more successful if she had her nose fixed.
– In ’08, Tisdale ranked #6 on Forbes list of the “10 Top Paid Tweens” with $5.5 million earned. She also ranked #17 on Forbes list of “Highest Earners under 30” which is a list that, shockingly, I was left off of.
– As far as I know, Tisdale has not followed in the footsteps of her High School Musical co-star Vanessa Hudgens, who snapped naked photos of herself in a cheap stunt to boost her career. Perhaps a strategic career move like that would benefit her? What do you think? Would dirty pics of Ashley Tisdale sink Vanessa Hudgens battleship? Does anyone even care about Vanessa Hudgens?

Classic WWF/WWE Event Cards from New Jersey #3

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In past installments of Classic WWF event cards I’ve mentioned my disappointment with attending frequent wrestling shows that lacked A-list wrestlers. Today’s post features an event card that would make any wrestling fan at the time pop big time. In the early to mid ’90s, WWF provided family entertainment but never chinced on the good stuff that the true fans wanted to see.

Let’s take a look at the WWF’s event card which took place at the Meadowlands Arena on May 22nd, 1993. The second I heard that the Hulkster was going to be appearing at a house show in New Jersey, I seriously hulked up. I panicked, and even though the tickets weren’t on sale yet, I felt so nervous that I would miss out. I got great seats and I counted down the seconds until I heard “Real American” blast through the arena. Thanks to Hulk Hogan teaming up with his “bionic brother” Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake (they are good friends, not relatives) the Tag Team Championship would be on the line in the MAIN EVENT! It’s rare to see the tag titles up for grabs as the main event of the night but Hogan was the WWF Champ after beating Yokozuna at Wrestlemania 9. The Mega Maniacs would be taking on the formidable and experienced champs Money Inc, which comprised IRS (Mike Rotunda) and The Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase. To ensure order in the match and to lessen the chances of IRS’ mysterious briefcase getting bashed into someone’s skull, Sgt. Slaughter was appointed special guest referee.

Back then, Giant Gonzalez was our massive equivalent to The Great Khali. He was a stone faced gargantuan guy who wore a furry Slim Goodbody unitard. For some strange reason, he would feud with Randy Savage at house shows all over the country.

A good friend of Randy Savage, the late Crush, had an interesting feud with Doink the Clown. You might think for a minute that Crush was in wrestling purgatory for having to participate in such a lampoon of a program against a clown, but that’s not the case. At the time, Doink the Clown wasn’t the silly, corny circus act that we know now. Doink was an evil, twisted clown and his character was actually pretty interesting. Crush was a great babyface and powerful in the ring, yet Doink’s pranks and stunts were effecting the Kona Crush. Surprisingly, this matchup kept the capacity crowd’s attention and was one of the most entertaining matchups on the card.
Click Here to read my tribute to CRUSH!

For days and weeks after the house show, the most surprising moment of the show came when Tatanka beat Razor Ramon. At the lunch table in school the next day my friends asked how the show was and all that burst out of my mouth was “TATANKA BEAT RAZOR RAMON!” Regardless of heels and faces, I had favorites on both sides of the fence. In this instance, Razor Ramon was a heel and Tatanka was a face and new to the WWF. I was fans of both of them but I didn’t think Tatanka would be able to subdue Scott Hall who was one of the best in the business at the time.

The Steiner Brothers vs. The Headshrinkers feud went on for a while and it always brought out some fantastic old school tag team wrestling. The Steiners were made up of sheer power and technical skills while The Headshinkers were uncivilized yet methodical. The Steiners went by the book while the Shrinkers were reminiscent of their Samoan wrestling relatives.

After clucking around as the Red Rooster, Terry Taylor went over to WCW and eventually made his way back to the WWF. Upon his return, he lost the silly gimmick and wrestled as himself. “Terrific” Terry Taylor faced The Rocket Owen Hart who was beginning his solo career sans Koko B. Ware his High Energy teammate.

Considering all the years of punishment and repression Virgil’s character had to go through, I’d love to see a HUGE return by Virgil to squash Randy Orton’s minion Ted DiBiase Jr.

Also, notice the ICO-PRO ad at the bottom? Perhaps Vince should bring this shit back so his wrestlers would stop getting persecuted about taking Steroids: “OUR WRESTLERS TAKE ICO-PRO…SO SHUUUUUT UUUUUPPPPP”

Christmas Gifts: Better Late Than Never

Back in November, I made a Christmas list just like I’ve made every year since I was a little kid. I did NOT make a “Bucket List.” I wanted to make that clear from jump street. I do regret not having the chance to share with you some of the cool stuff I got for Christmas, so let’s hop in the DeLorean, (which I’ve adorned with a festive wreath) blast the modified Huey Lewis song “Three Weeks Back in Time,” and kick it up to 88 mph.
Many of the bloggers I read have offered detailed posts about their haul of gifts they received for Christmas. For me, this year was pretty light as far as quantity goes, but heavy on the quality. The PS3 was the most prestigious gift and one I know I’ll be getting many hours of enjoyment from. I can’t wait for the games DCU OnlineLegends of Wrestlemania, and Ghostbusters to be released for the system. I was also pumped that I got The Dark Knight and Step Brothers on Blu Ray. A few requisite pieces of clothing and several other perennial Christmas gift favorites came my way, and I was happy with everything. I’m not the type of person to not appreciate a gift. I’m happy to be receiving A gift let alone several of them. 
First, let me tell about a couple of books that I unwrapped:
I’m a huge fan of Disneyana so The Walt Disney World Trivia Book by Louis A. Mongello was right up my alley. The first page I opened to gave me a little piece of rock and roll info: Did you know that Steve Tyler and Joe Perry rode the Aerosmith Rockin’ Roller Coaster 12 times when they came to Disney’s Hollywood Studios (MGM) for a preview? These are the kind of tidbits I like to dish out when other people are in a serious conversation about global warming. Seriously, you know the next time you go on that ride you’re going to tell whoever you’re with, or whoever’s in range of hearing your voice. There’s plenty of other obscure facts in the book that’ll definitely make you sound like a Disney expert!

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The next book was a monster called 1,000 Recordings to Hear Before You Die: A Listener’s Life List by Tom Moon.  I love books like this because they often refer me to new songs or artists that I can add to my repertoire. It’s kind of like the feeling a girl gets when she goes into a shoe store, or a place that sells pocket books like the “Pocket Book Emporium.” Take it easy ladies, I just made that up.
I’m not supporting the term that’s presently being shoved down our throats by these brilliant journalists, (even before the movie came out) “bucket lists.” How many more books and magazine article titles can we read that say “…blah blah…BEFORE YOU DIE.” The most beautiful places in the world you MUST SEE BEFORE YOU DIE.”  I feel like I’m in some sort of warped death countdown. Please, we are all already aware that we are going to die someday, but I for one am trying to pretend that that day is still very far away. 
I don’t appreciate that I’m being pressured into thinking that I have to cram in traveling the world, donning my cap in the old Yankee Stadium, and having a 69 with Marisa Tomei while skydiving all before I die. None of those things are going to happen, nor do I even care about experiencing the first two, or even the third for that matter. You see, the 69 would have to take place on the plane before we put on all our gear because it would be too much of a bitch to unzip and tear it all off taking terminal velocity into consideration. When we land, I’m hoping I don’t die before I can parachute right into the parking lot of the local T.G.I Fridays, detach our chutes, and walk in and declaring “hey, we aren’t weird or anything.” After being greeted by the hostess and getting a few strange looks after asking to be seated (as long as we are making our last will and testament, I’ll opt to make the “I just flew in and boy my arms are tired” joke. Marisa bowls over in laughter commenting on how cute and funny I am. She then says something to the effect “Oh my God Jay, the feeling of winning an Oscar is nothing compared to how you make me feel when I’m with you.” Then a group of ’80s looking peeps come over to our booth (I requested the booth cause I’m near death and I feel I deserve special treatment because having a booth is on my bucket list.) Well lookie who we have here! It’s Katrina and the Waves singing Walking on Sunshine, which is a song that miraculously just plays whenever we are enjoying ourselves in any context. Sometimes it just plays when we are in a park, or as a matter of fact, anywhere where there are no speakers or stereo equipment. It’s hard to not continue laughing and purposely do more stuff that’s goofy when the song is playing. We bring all the shenanigans to a gradual close with a poignant kiss, and then we order the fish tacos and share a giant strawberry lemonade.
I’m now hereby referring to it as a “FUCK IT LIST.” You see, it rhymes with bucket! This is the list of times where you say “Ah FUCK IT, I’m going to die anyway right?” If I had a Prune Face Power of the Force collectible coin for every time I’ve heard someone say that I’d have amassed the galaxy’s largest collection of Prune Face Power of the Force collectible coins. Now that’s sure to get this country’s economy right back on track. Just knowing that all of the Prune Face coins are all concentrated in one spot will allow the federal reserve to rest easy rather than to worry that the coins are scattered all over the globe in old basements, toy chests, buried in backyards, or laying at the bottom of a sewer drain.
What was my point with that whole tangent? That bucket lists are moronic, nay…the idea of making a list for personal motivation is fine but why do we constantly have to buy into people’s lame trendy, phrases? What’s on my bucket list? To find the EXACT PERSON WHO CAME UP WITH THIS STUPID FUCKING MADE UP NAME AND KICK THEIR ASS UNTIL THEY OFFICIALLY RELINQUISH THE NAME AND WRITE A NOTARIZED LETTER TO PRESIDENT-ELECT BARACK OBAMA WARNING JOURNALISTS AND COLUMNISTS NEVER, EEEEVVVVER, TO USE THIS TERM AGAAAAAIIINNN!
“…Where’s the Tylenol?” 
Welcome back folks! 

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Perhaps the gift most worthy of mentioning here on The Armpit, just for its sheer appropriateness, was one I gave rather than received. My father and uncle were both recipients of The Sopranos Chianti. If you’re Italian and from Jersey, you are almost certainly a Sopranos fan. Actually, if you are a living, breathing, human with a modicum of

appreciation for good television, then at the very least you should respect the show. You don’t want to see what happens when you disrespect it! 
Even though The Sopranos is gone, it’s spirit can live on in your wine glass during Sunday’s macaroni dinner. It’s pretty much just your basic Chianti, but it’s got an awesome Sopranos sticker on it which makes it fully connected to the show. If the makers of the Sopranos Chianti really wanted to make it something special they would’ve taken a cue from KISS in 1977 when they poured vials of their own blood into the red ink for their first Marvel comic book. All of the actors should’ve donated blood and then we could truly “drink in” the show. I’m messing with you, I obviously don’t have any interest in drinking blood! Well, I guess only if I was allowed to perform a bass solo, spit the blood out all over the place and wag my tongue. That’s 2 KISS mentions in one paragraph! Gene you now owe me $0.03 cents fucker!
My dad went all out this year and found a classic Christmas gift for me. He got me this really sharp Armitron Batman watch:

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This watch is a perfect gift for me since I’m a huge bat-fan. Some other Batman watches I’ve seen don’t possess the same quality or look as badass as this one. The watch is reasonably priced on Amazon.
As always, I had a highly enjoyable Christmas and I was treated tremendously. I know I’m getting old when I start saying stuff like “Christmas isn’t about the gifts,” and “I’m just happy to be together with the family.” No, in all seriousness, Fah who-for-aze and all that kind of stuff! I can’t wait ’til next year!

Classic WWF/WWE Event Cards from New Jersey #2

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For the 2nd installment of Classic WWF Cards we go back to July 7th, 1988. I didn’t expect much this time since the event took place at a local high school. For those of you not from around here, Perth Amboy isn’t necessarily the ritziest town, but then again it’s not that much better than the swamp the Meadowlands is built on.

Nearly one year later from our last installment of Classic WWF cards, Dangerous Danny Davis is still feuding with George “The Animal” Steele. It goes to show how long feuds used to last and how the WWF would squeeze every drop of excitement out of them that they could. I believe George Steele consumed 433 lbs. of turnbuckle padding during this feud.

Our local son Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Haku is one of those matches that doesn’t sound spectacular at first, but turned out to be one of the more exciting on the card. Those two wrestlers always managed to exceed expectations. When Haku went out on his own I thought, “O h g r e a t h e’ll t a k e t h e w r e stling w o r l d b y st o rm for s u r e.” in my most dry, sarcastic inner tone. I didn’t care much about Haku unless he was tag-teaming with Tama in The Islanders. On the other hand, the late Bam Bam always intrigued me since he carried a lot of weight, but was super quick and agile. Seeing him come down to the ring, menacing, with flames on his outfit and his bald head all tattooed up was quite a sight. His cartwheels and diving headbutts made for an entertaining attraction, although he remained underrated throughout his career.

I never caught one of Leaping Lanny Poffo’s frisbees, and as gay as it sounds, I always wanted to. I don’t know if it was because I just wanted to catch something thrown from a wrestler in the ring, or if it was really because I thought it was a cool concept. Printing a poem he wrote on a frisbee and throwing it out to the crowd: cool or uncool? Nowadays it seems like an insanely silly idea, but at the time it was fun for the kids. Poffo’s later turn as The Genius seemed to have been more successful, but nowhere near the caliber of success that his brother “Macho Man” Randy Savage attained.

The card is finalized with a statement that throws salt in the wound: All NON-Title Matches! Regardless of the lack of headlining WWF superstars, I fondly recall my dad taking me to this event and having an awesome time. We sat only a few rows from the ring with a seat near the entrance, so I got to slap some of the wrestler’s hands. Be quiet…it’s thrilling for a young wrestling fan.

How I Discovered Music Not By Clicking a Mouse

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Mining through my parents vinyl LP collection was something I did often as a kid. On a summer weekday morning when my parents were working and my sister was yapping on the phone in her room, I’d be gazing in wonderment as I opened a colorful gatefold record sleeve.

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A few of my favorite albums to look at were The Beatles’ Greatest Hits The Red Album 1962-1966, The Blue Album 1967-1970, and the Bee Gee’s Saturday Night Fever Soundtrack, simply because I thought they looked ridiculous (this coming from a kid who at the time thought Brutus Beefcake and Jesse “The Body” Ventura were the epitome of cool.) I was also mesmerized by every other album in their vast collection ranging from Benny Goodman and Artie Shaw to Sinatra and Streisand. I’d also feel remiss if I left out the free Christmas albums they got from the gas stations.

Discovering music in this paleontological way was risky. What if I scratched one of their records? I’d feel terrible and they’d immediately know it was me since I was the only “hi-fi curious” one in the household. In subsequent visits to my parents record collection, which resided in a shelf under the stereo components, I made sure I was extra careful. Once I got the courage to actually put a record on the turntable, I placed the needle ever so gingerly onto the groove of the record. I may have had my first heart attack at that tender young age when I heard the record playing on the wrong speed. After my ears nearly bled, and I almost soiled myself, I was convinced that I ruined their pristine records. Seconds later, I figured out what the problem was.

Once I got the hang of it, playing records became a favorite hobby of mine as a kid, especially when no one was around. Eventually, I inherited my sister’s portable turntable which I would set up on an open area of the floor, plug it in, and lay out my very own collection of 45’s. I used to play Bobby Freeman’s “Betty Lou’s Got a New Pair of Shoes,” and spin around like a maniacal dreidel. Some of these mini records were mine and others were ones that my sister scratched or my father was bored with. I had a nice little collection going even though I padded out the bunch with some book and record sets like my absolute favorites, “Batman: Stacked Cards,” and Masters of the Universe The Power of Point Dread and The Danger at Castle Grayskull.

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I was about 5 or 6 years old when I started to have a major crush on a girl, Stephanie, and that record player really came through for me. My dad had given me a 45 of Ricky Nelson’s version of “The Very Thought of You” from Decca Records that he had since 1964. It’s definitely a testament to Teaneck NJ native Ricky Nelson that a little kid in the early ’80s used to lay on the floor spinning one of Nelson’s singles daydreaming about a girl he had a mind altering crush on. None of my friends at that time would have even known who Ricky Nelson was. I’m sure I would’ve gotten shit for listening to that and being in love with the little girl with dirty blonde hair who paid no attention to me.

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Around the same time, my neighbor Darren always granted me permission to admire his KISS record collection. Was he just being nice or did my incessant requests drive him nuts? The gatefolds of KISS Alive and KISS Alive II both made my senses go into overload. In fact, I remember literally asking the poor guy if I could look at his albums every time I was at his house. He must’ve thought I was out of my mind. In actuality, I was merely admiring the way the album sleeve opened up and featured these outrageously scary and bizarre photos of a larger than life band. Perhaps more enticing to me than those gatefold Alive albums were their albums Kiss, Dressed to Kill, Dynasty, and Creatures of the Night. These are album covers that focus on the band members’ faces which helped acquaint me with each of their “characters.” (The Beatles started this trend with their album “Meet The Beatles.”) I wasn’t old enough to know what multiplication was, but I sure as hell could tell you that Gene Simmons was the “scary one who spits blood.”

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The records I’ve mentioned had much influence in shaping my musical taste. I’ve always had an affinity for bands who have band members with their own distinct appearance. As basic and cliche as it is, it helps greatly in a band’s chance at success. C’mon…everyone had a favorite Spice Girl! One of the most classic cases of this is another gatefold album cover that I used to stare at while listening to their music: Time Peace: The Rascal’s Greatest Hits.
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The album was released in 1968…so what? I was a little kid and the music sounded fresh and rocking to me. All their big ones were on here, including “Good Lovin’,” “How Can I Be Sure,” “It’s Wonderful,” “Groovin’,” “I’ve Been Lonley Too Long,” “Mustang Sally,” and “You Better Run.” What made listening to the album a complete sensory experience was that I could hold the album and stare at the comic strip style cover art that featured each member of the band. I remember wondering to myself “which one of them is singing?” during each song I listened to. It was almost 20 years later and The Rascal’s music sounded upbeat and made me feel like jumping around. What made them even cooler was that I remembered that my mother told me how a couple of members of The Rascals went to her high school and hung out in town before they were famous. (Eddie Brigati and Dino Danelli are both from Jersey.) In Bruce Eder’s All Music.com review of Time Peace, he writes “Arguably the greatest greatest hits album of the ’60s. A White-Soul classic.”

As I write this, it’s the first day of 2009. Vinyl records have since came and went and came back again just for shits (and collectors). I’ve lived through vinyl, cassette tapes, and CD’s…hey does anyone actually BUY CD’s anymore? I know I do. How else am I going to get to know each of the band members and get caught up in their aura? If CD’s are put to death, are actual living breathing bands still going to exist? Will music be made my nameless, invisible spirits? 1-click will bring us the sound. No more setting up a record player or carefully placing the needle down. I’ll never again have to fast forward a cassette tape to my favorite song for what felt like ages. I guess I’ll have to adjust to looking at slow-loading spammed up Myspace band profiles or promotional sites full of annoying bells and whistles. My eyes are straining already. My head is spinning. It’s not delivering me to another world. I’m not mesmerized. I’m definitely not in awe. I don’t really have anything to be curious about.
It’s sad to see the extinction of the process of a young kid discovering music in his own little way. In the next several years will kids discover books through the use of an Amazon Kindle? It just doesn’t sound as adventurous as walking up to the Turnpike bridge and then digging through old books in the air conditioned library on a hot summer day. I still want to discover music in my own way. Maybe I even want to daydream a little and not stare into a computer screen. I don’t look forward to the moment when time brings the official end of CD’s and downloading becomes the only avenue of procuring music. I still want to hold the artwork because it pulled me into another world. I want to open up a gatefold and see what’s inside. There was curiosity. Possibilities. Details. It wasn’t intangible, it wasn’t merely sound. I want to lay on the carpet with my chin in my hands, get hypnotized by the spinning black Decca 45, and imagine what it would be like if she was mine.

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.15: Lex Luthor Aims Missile at Hackensack, NJ!

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In 1978, Hackensack, New Jersey increased it’s status to legendary as moviegoers heard the city’s name uttered from the lips of Lex Luthor in Superman. In a diabolical real estate plan, (one he possibly stole from that infomercial transgender, Dean Grazioso) Lex’s missiles were directed to hit the San Andreas fault in California and Hackensack, N.J. Let’s join the action after Lex puts a kryptonite chain around Superman’s neck:
Superman: You don’t even care where the other missile’s headed do you?
Lex Luthor: Certainly I do…I know exactly where it’s headed. Hackensack, N.J.
(Superman gets tossed into Lex’s subterranean pool)
Lex Luthor: I have to leave you now, no hard feelings. We all have our little faults…mine’s in California.
Eve: Lex…my mother lives in Hackensack.
In the single moment that explains why Hackman personified the character of Lex Luthor, Lex nonchalantly checks his watch and nods his head as if to say “not anymore she doesn’t!”

Classic WWF/WWE Event Cards from New Jersey #1

Welcome to ringside folks! It’s a slobberknocker here at The Sexy Armpit where we’re taking a look at the FIRST in a series of Classic WWF/WWE Event cards. An event card is the rundown of all the matches that take place at a house show, Live TV taping, or a Pay Per View. These cards are from events that I actually attended, and as we get into later posts in this series you’ll notice the quality of the cards diminish greatly. Nowadays you don’t see these match listings as much, since so many storylines change at the last minute, and occasionally a wrestler slated to appear gets replaced due to injury. But for now, let’s enjoy the classic days of the WWF as we take you down to Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse “The Body” Ventura!

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It’s Monday June 8th, 1987 and the WWF Superstars have come to the arena formerly known as The Brendan Byrne, what is now known as The Izod Center. In possibly the shittiest main event in WWF history, former referee “Dangerous” Danny Davis took on George “The Animal” Steele as their feud continued. Could you imagine if it went the full hour time limit? George would have devoured all 4 turnbuckles by that time! Looking back, I have difficulty categorizing this as even a mid-card bout. It didn’t bother me because the excitement of being able to go to a live WWF event was overwhelming. When I was a kid I’d be happy watching two jobbers wrestle in the main event just as long as I was at an actual WWF show. I don’t think I realized I was getting ripped off, but I was still upset that I wasn’t able to see some of my favorites like Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage. Not all the matches were specifically detailed but there was sure to be “other all star bouts” happening that night. It’s possible even they didn’t know what else was going to happen. “Who’s around? Do we have Hacksaw Jim Duggan? Throw him out there against Barry Horowitz STAT!”

New Jersey’s Not Wearing Foot Pads!

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Finally someone has spoken out about how absurd those silly “seen on TV” Kinoki foot pads are. The pads supposedly remove toxins from the body when applied to the bottom of the foot overnight. If you couldn’t immediately tell that these things are bullshit then you seriously need to have your brain functionality checked out. NJ consumer affairs officials have filed a lawsuit for violating NJ’s consumer fraud act. THANK YOU for waking up all the people that buy into this crap. If you get these in your stocking for Christmas this year, I’m giving you the silent treatment.

Here’s some excerpts from Michael Diamonds’ Asbury Park Press story about it:

“The foot pads were advertised on infomercials and the company’s Web site as a prescription to remove heavy metals, metabolic wastes, parasites and cellulite. They were billed as “perfect for diabetes, arthritis, fatigue, high blood pressure, insomnia and weight loss.”

“The lawsuit, filed in state Superior Court in Ocean County, said the companies last fall began an extensive advertising campaign, touting a pad that customers could place on the bottom of their feet, removing harmful toxins and boosting their energy.”

The Day the Earth Stood Still on the NJ Turnpike

In his review in the N.Y Times of the remake of The Day the Earth Still starring Keanu Reeves, A.O Scott fills in on the New Jersey aspect of the film:

“A metastasizing swarm of metal bugs — the best special effects in a movie
that often looks cheap and bedraggled — is dispatched to eat us and everything
we’ve made, or at least everything on the New Jersey Turnpike.

he goes on to say:

“Its scenario and many of its scenes feel ripped off rather than freshly
imagined — why do aliens always seem to end up in New Jersey?…”

Normally I don’t heed the majority of movie critic’s warnings but in this case I will. I can’t imagine this being mind blowing in any capacity. Even though Tom Cruise’s War of the World’s was filmed in NJ, I would personally still like to see some more alien action here. We’ve already seen Los Angeles and New York City have prominent roles in sci-fi and action films, so let NJ have a go at it for a while!