Pumpkin Orgasm, I’m Not Faking It!

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Eating this Russell Stover milk chocolate orange marshmallow pumpkin was a strange moment in my life.

A close friend of mine codename: Ace Johnson recently posted a comment on my MySpace page that said “Jay loves pumpkin orgasms in his mouth.” I can’t deny it. I’m in a marshmallow pumpkin state of mind. This marshmallow happens to have used spray on tan. So what?

Occasionally a certain food or drink does something in your mouth that’s unexpected. Unless you try new food and beverages every day, it’s nearly impossible to be surprised by foods or feel like your presence has been altered by them in some way. A cheeseburger tastes like a cheesburger every time you enjoy one. Each time you eat a burger you know what to expect unless it’s on a different type of roll, has fruit roll-ups on it instead of lettuce, or it’s slathered in some special sauce that you have never tasted. The experience is usually pretty similar to the previous.

If you can say that your mouth has engaged in a sexual experience with a marshmallow pumpkin on more than one occasion, then that’s definitely something you’d want to Twitter.

I’m sure you hear about a lot of new products hitting the shelves. There’s new sodas that have lime infusions, or vanilla flavoring. There’s even new potato chips that taste like baby back ribs, while others have guacamole flavoring. In my time on earth I don’t recall ever hearing about a chocolate covered pumpkin that featured orange flavored marshmallow filling. Someone on LSD must’ve thought this combo up. It makes sense though…a pumpkin is orange, hence the marshmallow inside the choclate pumpkin should taste…ORANGEY! I found my previous interaction with a chocolate marshmallow pumpkin to be quite enjoyable regardless of the fact that the actual pumpkin looked more like a shit dumpling than a pumpkin. Rest assured, Russell Stover has presented a more accurate choco-pumpkin than the non-orange Hershey’s counterpart. They should be proud!

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I sliced into the well formed choco-pumpkin with a semi sharp knife, as not to bruise the dainty treat. BEHOLD! Inside lies the most ooey-gooey bright orange marshmallow filling EVER!

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It was time to do what I always do when I come in close contact with a chocolate pumpkin that has orange marshmallow filling, why that would be lick it up and down to make sure I can capture the flavor properly…of course!

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I can’t believe what you’re thinking right now, you sick fuck!
Doesn’t it just SCREAM: EAT ME, BITCH!

I follow that up with a circular motion and then I do some fancy moves that Gene Simmons taught me. The pumpkin was so into it. I said to my little orange pumpkin “I know you like that you’re a little nasty choco pumpkin aren’t you? Naturally, it was delighted and begged and pleaded for me to insert itself further into my mouth.

Sinking my teeth into the soft, wet, mushy, orange center was a delight. Having the chocolate crumble into and mash together with the fluffy orangeshmallow while it was being chomped about felt like a flavor mushroom cloud exploding right inside my mouth.

Chocolate…
Pumpkin…
Wet…

orangeshmallow…

Oooohhhhh….

BOOM!
Explosion…

It was a strange moment in my life.

And I didn’t fake it.

www.SexyArmpit.com

Jersey Boy Makes Good…Porn!

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And now…get lubed up for The Sexy Armpit’s “long” and amusing Interview with Mike Zute!

ARMPIT: You’ve heard of the old cliché “Jack of all trades” right? Well meet the “Jackhammer of all trades” Mike Zute. (www.MikeZute.com) He’s a music writer, producer, and performer who also somehow has time to make adult films and run a XXX site. So Mike, you head up a successful N.J band, you write songs, you photograph women, and produce your own porn films for sale at (www.NaughtyZuteGirls.com). How the hell do you juggle all those jugs…uhh..I mean jobs?

ZUTE: Jugs, Grapefruits, Melons, Knockers… I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing half the time! Seriously, It’s a true test of organization. And my theory of “If I want to do something then I will do it”… Instead of sitting around wondering what it would be like to have a rock band and a porn site; I spend every spare minute planning and executing my next actions in those said endeavors… Working a day job adds some stress, but the added income eases the stress in the finances needed for these ZUTE projects.

ARMPIT: Mike, are you a lifelong New Jersey native? Some visitors to this site think that my blog is called The Sexy Armpit because I’m into some wacky fetish, but that’s not the case. It’s all about defending the Garden State from all it’s detractors. Quick… off the top of your head…(not that head!) tell us 3 things you love about Jersey. OK, I know it’s hard since there’s so much negative crap so I’ll cut you slack. Give me 2 and then if you can think of 3 I’ll give you an extra website plug lol.

ZUTE: Yes, I was born, raised, and dropped on my head a few times in Jersey! 3 things: #1- The Jersey Shore. I go there a few times every summer. I love to body surf the waves, check out the hot chicks on the beach, and try not to get sunburn. #2- The New York Giants, who play in E. Rutherford, NJ. #3- Great Italian Restaurants and Pizzerias, even though I can’t eat too much cheese because it’s bad for my singing voice!

ARMPIT: Ding Ding Ding…We have a WINNER! www.naughtyzutegirls.com. An erotic convention was supposed to take place in Secaucus NJ recently but the town voted to keep it out of the Meadowlands convention center. Now, it’s slated to take place in Edison NJ. Can you elaborate to the readers of The Sexy Armpit about how ridiculous this is especially because 25 miles away over in Manhattan it wouldn’t be a problem.

ZUTE: An unfortunate failure with Jersey is that a lot of our state’s people are socially retarded and behind the times. Some people still think criminals and child molesters run the porn industry. It’s so the opposite. I basically self taught myself the legalese in this biz, and it was like I put myself through a Law School class. The adult biz is so regulated now, that if you are not an honest, intelligent producer with organized records, the Feds will close down your site / business in no time. Back to the question, The expo can’t offend anyone because it is closed to the general public. You have to pay an admission and “want to be offended” in order to enter. The City of Secaucus loses out on the income they would have made.

ARMPIT: You recently were hanging with Ron Jeremy at an “adult film” convention. Do you feel like you really made it after experiencing that?

ZUTE: I don’t feel as if I’ve “made it” big in the Porn world. I’m just glad I’m good enough (at producing, acting, editing, and promoting) to still be involved in it. A similar feeling drives me to keep it up with my rock band. Ha ha ha, I said “keep it up”!

ARMPIT: Did you always want to get into making porn films or is this something that you just stumbled onto?

ZUTE: Wow, I could go on forever w/ this one. Somewhere around the middle 90’s I started considering it. After the Tommy Lee / Pam Anderson film came out in the later 90’s, I became seriously interested. Seeing how a popular musician and actress boosted their publicity (& income) with a simple amateur sex tape was very inspiring. By the time I had enough funds saved, learned the legal biz factors, and researched potential models, it was 2003. I started making films that year. This was before I even knew how to edit films or how to design a website… (I do have an engineering degree from NJIT, so when I kick myself in the ass, I can really learn and accomplish things.) Anyhow, I also was busy preparing the first lineup of the ZUTE band to play out, so I was stressed to the max. My guitarist at the time kept asking me to let him see some of my porn films… I planned to eventually release this stuff, and I unfortunately trusted him with a copy. He quit the band soon afterward in Summer 2004. He owned the band website domain, so he wanted me to pay him $3000 for the domain name… When I said no way, he published a clip of me getting a blow job (from Isabel) on that site, and he posted all these ridiculous defamatory lies on the screen. Word gets around quick that I’m in an adult film. When I threatened to get the Feds after him for U.S.C. 2257 violations he took the site down. Seeing the hits the site got, I was more upset that I got no income from this! Instead of suing him, I put all my efforts into getting my ZuteGirl Models plan in action. (With the web design help of my new guitarist, Cory) I posted the semi nude Strip down pics of the ZuteGirls on the new band website (MikeZute.com) in early 2005. The goal was to keep the semi nude pics on the ZUTE band site and then put a link to the adult site once I finished designing it. But, too many female fans of the band complained about semi nude pics of chicks on the band’s website. I even put comical semi nude pics of myself on there to draw more attention. The focus was taken away from the music, so I agreed w/ my band members to remove the semi nude pictures, and just keep the “nice” (clothed) Zute Girl pictures on the Band website. I immediately posted some of the semi nude chicks on myspace.com/mikezute… Finally, a few months later in 2005 www.NaughtyZuteGirls.com went live. I put a link to it from the “Nice” ZuteGirls pics page on the band website, which also has its own domain http://www.zutegirls.com/. Simple answer, eh?

ARMPIT: I’ve seen some of your work and I appreciate the unorthodox way you direct your films. You put the girls in little sketches and talk to them in a laid back interview atmosphere. I dig it. Have all the girls said “your command is my wish” or has there been instances where they gave you a hard time about not wanting to do something you asked?

ZUTE: Good Questions. A lot of girls were surprised by the respectful laid back interview. More than once a girl has said to me: “Ok, is this an interview where I’m supposed to say I’m 18, I’ve never been filmed before, I’m a whore and all I ever want to do is suck cock?” Once I tell a girl “No, it’s a real interview and you can say whatever the hell you want,” then she is usually more into the rest of the session because I treated her like a human being. She is now at ease. Once we get to the sex, she is more comfortable with me and performs much more naturally… In terms of the skits, some girls have added input on changing their lines… I am open minded, so if I like her idea, then I let her roll with it…. As far as sex, I’ve had complete cooperation thus far. I haven’t made any girls do any painful positions. So, I’m not sure how they’d react if I was very adamant about an uncomfortable position…

ARMPIT: Before her death last year you featured Haley Paige in one of your films, can you tell us a little about your experience working with her, and how did you feel after hearing of her death?

ZUTE: The stories about her personality are no lie. She really was a sweetheart. She actually showed up late to the session for “Lost Cell Phones Ep #5,” but was very apologetic. She was very easy to work with, and didn’t give me any attitude problems whatsoever. She was calm and collective with a positive attitude throughout the shoot. She liked working the camera on Harmony & I, and she looked forward to directing films in the future. I was very shocked upon hearing about her death. Mostly because she seemed like a girl who was in control of her life. She did not show signs of someone with a drug problem…. How did she end up with that loser who ultimately ended up killing her? (Or if he didn’t directly kill her, he influenced her to get involved with the junk… Wang Dang Dong or whatever the fuck his name is?) I don’t understand…

ARMPIT: You feature some really hot chicks on your site www.NaughtyZuteGirls.com. My favorite happens to be Pamela. Have you ever caught feelings for any of the actresses your working with?

ZUTE: Yeah, Madison Bijou James stands out a lot… She was just so down to earth and took great interest in my original concept, which was to combine modeling and porn in a fun atmosphere… She even sent me a “Thank you for the fuck film” card a few days after that shoot in 11/2004. She has since stopped doing porn and recently had her 2nd kid. She lives in Colorado. Naudia Rio, was really sweet also. Most girls were really cool. Pamela was a little stuck up, because she knew her popularity was growing. There was a different Canadian Chick named Ocean who was a real bitch… Other than her, all the ZuteGirls are really cool.

ARMPIT: Are all your friends and bandmates jealous of you that you get to be with all these hot chicks?

ZUTE: Well first off, I will say that the ex guitarist (who hijacked the first Zute Band website) thought he would destroy both my music and porn careers by posting slanderous crap. He probably did that out of jealousy: The ZUTE band was doing much better without him, and he is way too unattractive to do porn. My success is the best form of revenge against him and other various detractors. Otherwise, my current band mates and male friends have been very cool about my Zute Girl endeavors. If anything, they just joke around about it. I try not to talk about my porn experiences, unless someone specifically asks… On another tangent of this question, I am dating a girl who is very jealous of the ZuteGirl models and wants me to stop doing porn. (Even though she knew I did this before we got sexually involved.)… So, I don’t know what else to say!

ARMPIT: JAY + LACIE HEART = Can you make it happen? Christmas is coming up you know!

ZUTE: If it were only that easy! And she is smokin’ hot! Seriously, I’m only making about 4 films / year, so I’m not consistently working with any one model or modeling agent… Only the huge porn companies have that kind of wealth and power… I’m still the “little guy”, right now. When I get aroused it becomes a slightly bigger little guy…

ARMPIT: If one decides against purchasing the Video On Demand through the site and opts for an old school DVD, Are there Easter eggs on the DVDs? Any cool mysterious hidden crap on there?

ZUTE: I put Original ZUTE band demos in the first few I sold… But then it became tedious and time consuming with the whole process… But now I’ve seen less of DVD sales and much more VOD / (pay per minute) sales… That is definitely the future of the industry.

ARMPIT: Have you developed a trademark sex move or saying? Any crazy upside down shit or anything (i.e. the zute shuffle or the zutinator?)

ZUTE: No trademark move yet, but you’ve got the ideas flowing! In terms of sayings, I’ve been over using the word “indeed” for years… Also, I think at some point in the sex scene of every film I end up saying “You’re such a Naughty Zute Girl.” It seems cliché, but it does fit at the time…. (Of course in my upper head, during sex, I’m often calculating batting averages, trying to remember song lyrics, and mentally reciting the Greek alphabet. Those are my favorite ways to prevent cumming too early!)

ARMPIT: I’ll have to keep those in mind. Or I’ll think of Man-At-Arms banging Oprah Winfrey. The following definitions are taken directly from Urban Dictionary. com. Just as they ask visitors to give a thumbs up and thumbs down to rate the accuracy of each definition can you provide your expert opinion as to the accuracy of these?

1) Another name for a marijuana joint. When its contents are purely cannabis (without any tobacco to pad it out)
ZUTE: maybe

2) marijuana which is grinded so it is thinner so it is easier to smoke. orr half or that zute mate! ZUTE: maybe

3) To be beyond retarded while intoxicated or high
ZUTE: the closest indeed!

ZUTE: I always felt the slang definition of “Zuted” was to be high in good style. Number 3 is a bit extreme on the definition, but hey, if it works for the general public, then fine. Also, I’ve heard that a marijuana joint laced w/ PCP in the 1970’s was referred to as a “Zootie.” Actually, there are other factors that go into why I use the name ZUTE. It sounds a little bit like my last name… Also, in Monty Python, there was a funny scene with the “bad Zute girl.”

ARMPIT: And finally, can you give us any insight to what’s in store for the future of your films? Any spoilers you could give us?

ZUTE: The first anal penetration I’ve performed on film was on Trina Michaels in a threesome film along with Mindy Main. That will be released by late this year or early next year. Also, I’ve produced films of girls doing solo masturbation w/ dildo. I might eventually add another person to work the camera, aside from the girls, the tripod, and me… As far as plots, I already have a different story line from “Lost Cell Phones”, but I won’t count out new Episodes of that series from “popping up” once in while.
Thanks for talking to The Sexy Armpit, Mike! Go check out Mike’s various endeavors, they’re Zutarific! Be sure to visit the adult site at: http://www.naughtyzutegirls.com/ . See Zute the Band playing gigs all over New Jersey! Head over to http://www.mikezute.com/ and
www.Myspace.com/mikezute for more info!
www.SexyArmpit.com

Harrah’s Phone Sex Customer Service Center

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I experienced another strange moment in Atlantic City recently. I was attempting to cancel a reservation I had at one of the hotels so I got my card, glanced at the phone number, and dialed.
What I was expecting to hear was “Thank you for calling Harrah’s Entertainment reservation services” in an overly exuberant female voice. This is basically the one stop phone call you need to make if you need some customer service regarding the various Harrah’s owned hotels. To prove that this isn’t made up, that number is 1(800)473-9273. Being the inebriated guy that I was was that night I lackadaisically punched in 1(800) 473-9277 into my phone instead.

“mmmm get it hot and wet with the naughtiest girls around…ooooh just sit back relax and whip it out baby!”

I had quite a few Amstel Lights at that point and I lacked the proper amount of brain capacity to realize that I dialed the wrong number. Naturally, my mind had wandered a little bit.

“mmm uhhh all calls $1.99 – $5.99 per minute!”

Are they freaking out of their minds? Once the sexy voice elaborated on the pricing options “$7.99 for all one on one and virtual chat sessions,” that is when I felt like I was hit in the head with one of the phone sex operator’s giant dildos. But I actually wasn’t hit with it. It was actually the realization that I needed to be on the phone with Harrah’s, not some overpriced phone sex line. Harrah’s didn’t mention anything in their F.A.Q to beware of similiar phone numbers. It’s kind of like the guy who buys similiar domain names to the popular ones and hordes all of the erroneous traffic.

Is this sex line trying to prey on drunken Atlantic City goers? Are they assuming that they’ll misdial and fall into the trap of the $5.99 per minute phone sex line? Well, I didn’t fall for it, I snapped out of the “Dream Weaver” sequence that was going on in the cloud to the left of my head and immediately hung up. It’s common practice for me to scratch my head and say “What the hell?” when stuff like this happens. Most times when you dial the wrong number you wind up just getting some unsuspecting common person. This obviously is not the case when dialing the wrong number to a gambling establishment! They’ll suck you right in. There’s a lot of shmucky guys that would totally buy into that. Personally, I don’t need a phone sex line to assist me in my quest, especially when their charging such astronomical amounts of money! Up to $5.99 per minute? WTF? Gas per gallon isn’t even that much!

I bet every combination (look they got me..I just said “I bet”) of wrong #s to that service center will lead to 1) get yourself out of debt schemes, 2) timeshare sales 3) and more phone sex lines. Take my advice, don’t be weak and get sucked in. Go get sucked for real. If you don’t, you might wind up on the line with the woman at the end of the Aerosmith video!!!

I’ll have you know, this is not the first time this happened either! Click here to read about the last time this happened to me!

www.SexyArmpit.com

Gross Observations 3: Perverted, Sex, Porn Edition

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Not since the dark times…not since the Empire have I done an installment of Gross Observations. It’s been a while so here’s a brand new one for you! If you didn’t get to read the the first 2 installments then by all means click on these links to be magically transported right to them! Gross Observations 1, Gross Observations 2: Holiday Edition ’07.

What I want to know is…who’s the guy who’s getting a girl off using veggies? It’s just not a turn on for me. Either way, is it HIS turn on or HERS? Like George Carlin used to say, “these are the kinds of things that kept me out of the really good schools.”

CREEP: “Hey sweetie, I’m going to do something extra special for you tonight!”

SKANK: “Oh yeah, well then you better mean that you’re taking me straight to the produce department.”
CREEP: Sure honey, cucumbers, zucchini, whatever you want! it’s your night!

If you wind up scoring with a girl who’s a whore wouldn’t that be considered “Scwhoring?”

Is it just me, or do you find it a little uncomfortable when another guy decides to strike up a conversation in the john? You know, the kind of conversation that doesn’t end with a one word answer! These assholes really want to get in-depth! Talk about an inopportune time.

I’m sick of hearing from other guys how abnormal it is that I don’t like girls who have overinflated basketballs for boobs. I’ll take the A cup over the D+ cup any day. I’m fairly sure that there’s a report card correlation there as well. I keed, I keed. All women with big boobs are smart, you know that!

I’m always eating poppy seed bagels and so many people comment to me that poppy seeds don’t have a taste, but I totally think they do so F off. In addition to their mellow taste, among other uses, the poppy was considered an aphrodisiac.

One time while on an image search for “The Hole,” a movie starring the girl who’s unaware she’s my fiance, Keira Knightley, I saw a picture of a girl sans pants and underwear with her legs up. This usually is par for the course in an image search but this pic was different. I looked closer and noticed that the chick had a black jagged circle design tattooed around her anus. What possesses these people to do such stupid crap? Aside from having a tattoo artist handle your rear entrance for an extended period of time, you would think that it might hurt…just a little?!?! Ya think?

Another time as I was navigating the interweb, not doing anything abnormal, I actually saw a headline on a video site that read “Young hottie forced to chop firewood naked.” What the hell? Is this a scenario that you look for in your online porn? Chopping is not an action that I think about when I’m fantasizing. CHOPPING WOOD? That isn’t the best choice of words when you’re trying to enjoy yourself. “Young hottie” is a good way to end that sentence. Chopping firewood naked? Way to set the stage. That doesn’t even make sense. Why would she have to do that anyway? I don’t find that arousing. It kinda makes me feel bad that this girl is going through all that work just because one guy, Walter, in Montana has a firewood chopping fetish. Or he’s out of firewood and after he banged his girlfriend she offered to go chop some wood for the fire. She forgot to put her clothes on. She better chop the shit out of that wood. She’s freezing her ass off and wants to get inside by the fire.

Ever notice how these sex sites refer to some skanky ass, gross, makeup smeared girl as alluring?? She looks like she just vomited up the Titanic. Not the DVD, the actual SHIP itself. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then think Courntey Love after she was mauled by pitbulls and had an aluminum bat shoved down her throat.

You know when you’ve got to pee really bad but for some reason you can’t undo your pants button or zipper? You begin to panic because you’re really preparing to piss yourself. Usually the zipper will finally work at the very last millisecond. How can a grown man have this problem? I really believe that our bladders have GPS and sense where toilets are and just release. When we’re all filled up I don’t think our brain has much say in the matter.

This is a question for any male SexyArmpit.com visitors. Who gets aroused looking at a woman trying to shove a bowling pin up her snatch? Really, who seeks this kind of thing out? It would make sense if it was a guy who was bowling obsessed but otherwise I don’t know who the hell would want to look at that crap. In the immortal words of Al Bundy: “Steeee-Rike!”

www.SexyArmpit.com

The Sexy Armpit’s “We Can Make a Difference” Campaign: Phase II

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The “We Can Make a Difference Campaign” will also keep TV free of crap. In addition to making sure the analog to digital transition finishes up without a hitch there’s a few more issues we’ll need to to take care of. First, the President will have a strict orders to keep the CW’s Reaper on the air. Then we’ll banish Oprah Winfrey from all airwaves. And please while we’re at it, we may as well as well erase 99% of all other daytime programming as well. With the exit of Oprah Winfrey and her media empire, leaving along with her will be Dancing with the Stars, sorry folks! Unless it was Dancing with the strippers it has no chance of being saved.

One problem with politicians is that they never do anything cool, we’ll fix that. I want a president I can sort of look up to. Someone who can have an edge…badass in a way. It’s not sexist but I always picture the president to be a guy (no offense Hilary…after 43 male presidents don’t you get the point?) Bruce Willis or that Matthew Mickhawnaguy should be president. Don’t you want a leader who you can be proud of? Who does cool shit? Who brings the party? If you’re a girl don’t you want a HOT president who you can think of to vibrate to? He doesn’t play saxophone on Arsenio and he especially doesn’t mutilate the English language after he supposedly graduated Yale. He goes on tour to visit all the 50 states and has huge parties with bands at various national parks, and mall and stadium parking lots. He’s the guy that everyone wants to be and all the girls want to be with. He’s a Star. As for the Vice President, I doubt I have to even say it cause it’s a no brainer… Of course it’s f’n HULK HOGAN!
The President and VP will have ultimate veto power on who gets chosen to be inducted to the aforementioned Secretaries of State. The President and VP are single guys and they’re encouraged “to enjoy their life, and play the field” just like our forefathers told them. It’s an unwritten rule similiar to the “Pink Lady code” that the President and VP date one or many of the Secretaries of State.
One of the reasons why actors or celebrities make great political icons is because they are already pros at speaking and expressing themselves. They wouldn’t be constantly made fun of for flubs or screwing up speeches. The President will also have a sense of humor to a degree being that they frequently have to bring to light horrible situations. When a candidate is dry and boring they don’t have the ability to lighten our soul in anyway.
The ideal candidate is obligated to be trained to cultivate their psychic ability Think about it, if Nostradamus were president he would’ve saved us alot of heartache. We need someone with the ability to prevent attacks and foresee future economic disasters. Their newly tapped psychic ability will aid them in constructing a new plan in the war on terrorism.
Let’s have a contingency plan for the Statue of Liberty. Lady Liberty isn’t really holding all that many people except a few tourists so terrorists wouldn’t get as much bang for their buck if they planned an attack on it. Hypothetically we’ll need an American symbol if the monster from cloverfield or terrorists decide to target her…or hell, if the Ghostbusters need to use her to fend off some Carpathian who lost its kitten. You never know what’s going to happen to her so all I’m saying is, we’ll need another statue that will defend the countries honor in case the statue of liberty is out of commission. Without question this should be the Rocky Balboa statue that resides in Philadelphia. The pure emotion that the rocky movies give off conjure up so many good feelings that it’s the perfect statue for the job.
I bet you thought since I’m talking all sensational that I’d forget to explain my plans for the Military. Out of the box, the only draft our candidate will be talking about is the kind of beer.
Voltron will be the actual commander in chief heroically leading the military. The president and a few heads of military will join together to form the mega robot. The theme music can be heard all over the country when the Big V is forming. With Voltron we sort of kill two birds with one stone but we’ll be sure not to kill any eagles though. Cast your Vote-ron for Voltron! (joke donated by my friend Steve) All the Joe’s from G.I Joe and all the Transformers will make up the rest of our military so you never have to worry about us losing a war unless the ruthless Cobra, Megatron, or Tom Cruise comes into power. There will be no need for thousands of military employees with such powerful forces who could wipe out anything in their path.
There are also many new government agenices that will be started. Nicholson and Pacino will be enlisted to head a new government agency called “The You Can’t Handle The Truth Commision” specializing in the search for Bigfoot, The Jersey Devil, and any other unexplained or supernatural phenomena. Sorry girls, Jensen Ackles and Jared Padelecki are now waiting patiently at the unemployment agency. Johnny Depp will head up a new agency called “Bring Me The Rich Stuff” where he’ll captain the Black Pearl and a film crew to raise various shipwrecks and recover the gold and treasure back in order to liquidate some of the country’s underwater assets. Soon those of you with disposable income will be able to buy Captain Kidd’s treasure on eBay! Depp will be pulling double duty because the 21 Jumpstreet Crew will be reunited and back on the job keeping high school scumbags off the street. And YES people, don’t you worry your little heads…haven’t forgotten, BOOKER IS BACK so you can relax.
After watching National Treasure made me think. Don’t we have the right to finally know the country’s best kept secrets? The FBI and the CIA need to release information on Area 51, the Kennedy assassination, etc. We deserve to know, especially after 40 or more years of secrets. Who better than to shake down these agencies for this info than our man Nic Cage?
On the education front, instead of concentrating on stuff that isn’t going to help kids amount to a hill of beans, let’s start teaching kids about subjects that are important and can actually impact their lives. They need to learn more about how to be practical, how to improvise, have street smarts, safe sex, not to take drugs, and how to balance a check book. How far did algebra and geometry get me? Rather than shoving stuff down their throats that they aren’t good at at all, why don’t we give them more choice? Maybe students will enjoy going to school if they aren’t bogged down with homework from subjects that they absolutely despise and dread.
Let’s all feel bad for the teachers because they feel they can’t get through to these kids! Guess what? That’s you f’n job. How many teachers did you have while growing up that pretty much phoned it all in? Some teachers gave up on their job 10 years before you even got to their class. Some of them had a calendar counting down their days to retirement. From a kids perspective, it’s easy to get exasperated when you just can’t figure out how to apply that theorem or you don’t want to read that 400 page book your English teacher assigned. Chances are those same kids aren’t going to get into a career that utilizes stuff they aren’t good at. Let students have more of a say in their schedule at least sophomore through junior year. Freshman year could be completely required classes. From then on, school should be more about personal discovery. What kind of learning is more important that learning about yourself? Many kids graduate high school and have no idea what they’ll do. It doesn’t mean they aren’t focused it just means that they’re living in a scary, pressure filled world with so many different options. Let’s help these students understand themselves and their own potential. How about a class specifically devoted to taking aptitude tests and personality tests. The results can be shared and discussed and just maybe it will spark something in a few of the kids and it will help them figure out what they like and what they should do with their life.
As for our land, rather than be concerned with open spaces and saving the trees and forests, why not concentrate on regulating what is actually being built on that land. There should be places in each town where kids, and even adults can go and hang out and just have a place to go. There’s places like community centers and YMCA’s but they are usually only open until around 8 pm. There’s nowhere for kids and teenagers to go. For adults the only places to go are bars. The mall is only open until 9:30. The fact is, in our area, a 10 o’clock curfew doesn’t hold any water. How about facilities for youth and adults where they can go and NOT get into trouble. So many kids who wind up committing crimes or doing drugs get into because they have nothing else. Let’s build facilities where people can go and hang out, dance or listen to music, play games, watch movies etc. I’m sure sponsors will leech onto that kind of thing which would defer the cost.
Another modification we’ll make is finding a new name for the white house. The white house…? I don’t know…it jus sounds a little racist to me. Perhaps we could call it the multicolored house? Nah, then straight people will get offended because it sounds like we’re favoring gay people. I’ve got it! How about building a real bonafide Castle Grayskull and make that where the president lives? I got news for you…no one in their right mind fucks with Castle Grayskull. Yeah I know Skeletor has but who said he’s in his right mind? You can see the dynamic with them: Skeletor was Bill Clinton and Evil Lyn was Hilary. It’s clear as day. If we combine Castle Grayskull and The White House, guess what? We’ve got White Castle!

Finally, we’ll rename New Jersey to “The Sexy Armpit” and everything will change accordingly. “The Sexy Armpit Turnpike.” “The Sexy Armpit Department of Motor Vehicles.” Think about it. It’s much more appealing. The tag line for the campaign can be “Come visit the NEW New Jersey, it’s now called something WAAY snazzier…THE SEXY ARMPIT…now screw off.” From then on, Jersey will definitely step out of the shadow of New York’s skyline.

BAROCK out with your cock out!
www.SexyArmpit.com

The Sexy Armpit’s “We Can Make a Difference” Campaign Phase 1

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You know something…F–K politics! Aren’t you fed up with this country’s total lack of focus on what’s really important? This is why I’ve decided to lay out my plan which is a complete overhaul of this country. My plan will put this country on a spin cycle, and I can assure you I WILL NOT FORGET THE FABRIC SOFTENER!

Are you at all surprised by McGreevy’s 3-ways, rest stop romps, or “Friday night specials”??? Think about it, Spitzer’s so desperate he needs to hire a prostitute to get a BJ? Wait, desperate isn’t even the proper word, he spent over $4,000 to get some action! Not to mention that the action was from a Jersey girl, talk about a waste of funds! That’s a fortune to some people and he spent it on something the majority of us halfway decent looking guys with average brain power could get after spending the night in any dive bar around the country (especially in Jersey!) His successor Patterson is such a scared pansy that he spilled all so they don’t catch him in a lie. What more can come out in the media each day? Each story released spurs further dirt on candidates and politicians that truly have nothing to do with the war in Iraq, health care, or the apparent recession. All these smutty stories do is divert our attention from examining the true problems this country has.

I’m so fed up with the direction this country is going. I’m angry that our media decides to focus on everything BUT the important issues at hand. Why do we care if Bill Clinton had a side piece? Are we that gullible to believe he was the first politician to do that? How come the guys only get called out on it? Talk about a sexist world! It would really make my day if Spitzer announced he was divorcing his wife for being a dried up old hag with no sexual interest in favor of running off with his 22 year old, 105 lb prostitute…that little hot bitch. All men want is to have a woman who brings some lust and excitement to the bedroom department. For some reason, the guys that go into politics aren’t typically Ambercrombie models. Most of these guys grew up with a chip on their shoulders because they couldn’t get laid, and now that they have some notoriety they use it to their advantage whether gay or straight.

This country is in denial! It needs to sit down on a couch with a therapist just like Tony Soprano did. If the rough, tough, and macho mob boss Tony Soprano could sit down with a therapist then why the hell can’t the United States? America has lost it’s focus, it’s ignoring the real issues, and frankly it’s got a real addiction to Hollywood gossip. That’s gotta stop!

As for my grassroots campaign, my candidate will use Jem and the Holograms “We Can Make a Difference” as his campaign song. My candidate will fight every battle with fierce patriotism and the values the country was founded on. Where the hell did our pride go? Remember all that Red, White, and Blue that was splattered all over your town about 6 or 7 years ago? That 9/11 rallying seemed to disappear not too long afterward. Jem will assure the country that our new candidate can and WILL make a difference!

Let me go over a few of the Policies of the the ideal candidate. The first policy my candidate ratifies will be replacing the House of Representatives with “The Secretaries of State.” The Secretaries of State will comprise of women, celebrities or well known female personalities who will serve as the spokesperson for each state. For instance, Eva Longoria will be the representative for Texas since she is from Texas. Each secretary would obviously have no responsibilities since they would merely be figureheads associated with tourism and sports teams. People will automatically think of the representative of the state when they think of that specific state. Most likely you’ll see them on T-shirts in airport gift shops. As an example, the Texas shirt features Eva Longoria all sweaty and dirty in a camouflage bikini, a machine gun and a bandanna. The shirt reads “Don’t Mess With Texas.” That’ll definitely be a top seller.

My new Secretarial program will also integrate political commentary into shows like Extra and Access Hollywood. It will in turn give us all a reason to watch those boring ass political shows on Sunday morning. Featured each week as guest hosts will be different Secretaries of state wowing us with their comprehensive, educated, answers and lightning fast responses to hard pressing, hot button issues. How will that miracle of modern science be accomplished? Easy! A small microchip implanted in their ears will send them transmissions from Washington D.C feeding them exactly what to say! Only Jack Bauer is in on the secret. This measure will prevent stuff like THIS from happening:

“I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help
the US, uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian
countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us.”

There will be hott calendars featuring the secretaries on sale in gift shops and Spencer’s everywhere. Half the proceeds of all “Secretaries” merch will go to the government, in order to offset the ass rape of taxes we receive all year long. I won’t rule out action figures, playsets, and thongs either. Think of how easy for us guys to remember…oh ok, “Angelina Jolie” represents California! “What’s the capital of California? Who gives a fuck! I know who the secretary is, and I can name all the films she appeared nude in! Isn’t that enough dammit! That’s enough politics for one day!” Even young students will find it advantageous to memorize each states representative. Many young boys will have their first wet dream thanks to California. “Mommy, I can’t seem to remember the representative of California, can we discuss her more thoroughly and purchasing her complete filmography on iTunes might jog my memory”
The sexy Secretaries would meet in the House of Representatives when they have their bi-annual (its not called “bi” for nothing (wink, nudge) lingerie pillow fight. Lots of important issues will be voted on afterward like who looked the hottest, who can get the most applause, and who should take their top off. There’s also the much anticipated annual Chili competition. No, it’s not what you think! The girls don’t put on chefs hats and cook up their own spicy, beany, meat stew. They all get put in a room in hot string bikinis where air jets are blasting ice cold frosty air. Whoever can stay in the room the longest without grabbing for stuff to keep them warm like a fur coat or thigh highs, will win the competition. Whoever has the most meat on her bones will have the edge. Just think…Hard Nipples for EVERYONE! Even though I’m not a necrophiliac, I’ve always thought blue lips were superhot.
Please join us tomorrow for the outline of Phase II of The Sexy Armpit’s “We Can Make a Difference” campaign 2008!

www.SexyArmpit.com

Most Romantic Moments Heard on my iPod

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For Valentines day I bring to you the most romantic moments heard on my iPod. These lyrics may as well be written on little candy hearts. Feel free to use these loving sentiments on your significant other. Love and hearts and stuff…

Turn around bitch I got a use for you
Besides you ain’t got nothin’ better to do
And I’m bored
Guns N Roses – It’s So Easy

I wont tell your mama if you dont tell your dad
I know he’ll be disgusted when he sees your pussy busted
Wont your mama be so mad if she knew I got that ass?
2 live crew – Me So Horny

I’m only seventeen, but I’ll show you love like you’ve never seen
She’s only seventeen, daddy says she’s too young, but she’s old enough for me
Winger – Seventeen

I’ve got two tickets to Iron Maiden baby
Come with me Friday – don’t say maybe
I’m just a teenage dirtbag baby like you
Wheatus – Teenage Dirtbag

Even Izzy, Slash and Axl Rose…When I call, you put ’em all on hold
Weezer – Suzanne

So I mixed up the batter, And she licked the beater
Warrant – Cherry Pie

I don’t really care about your sister
Fuck the little bitch ’cause I already kissed her
One thing that I did to your lady
I put her on the bed and she didn’t say maybe
Ugly Kid Joe – I Hate Everything About You

A couple of sips of this love potion and she’ll be on your lap
so I gave some to my dog, when he began to beg
and then he licked his bowl and he looked at me
and did the wild thing on my leg
Tone loc – Funky Cold Medina

I love ya baby but all I can think about is Kielbasa sausage,
your butt cheeks is warm, I check my dipstick, you need lubrication honey,
My kielbasa sausage has just got to perform.Now get it on!
Tenacious D – Kielbasa

So what if the sex was great, Just a temporary escape
Anorther thing I grew to hate, But now that’s over
SR71 – Right Now

I said, “You can’t have me, I’m too young for you bitch!”
She said, “No you’re not,” then she starts cryin
I says I’m nineteen, she says, “Stop lyin!”I says, “I am, go ask my mother
And with your wrinkled pussy, I can’t be your lover”
Slick Rick & Doug E. Fresh – La Di Da Di

The good book says we must suppress
The good book says we must confess
But who cares what the good book says
Cause now shes taking off her dress
Red Hot Chili Peppers – Catholic school girls rule

Shes a killer queen
Gunpowder, gelatine
Dynamite with a laser beam
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Anytime
Queen – Killer queen

I knew a girl named Nikki I guess u could say she was a sex fiend
I met her in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine
She said howd u like 2 waste some time
And I could not resist when I saw little Nikki grind
Prince – Darling Nikki

I think it’s special… what’s behind your back
So turn around and and I’ll pick up the slack
Justin Timberlake – SexyBack

I hate every bone in your body but mine
I can’t wait till I can hate you tonight
Poison – I Hate Every Bone in Your Body but Mine

Like gasoline you wanna pump me
And leave me when you get your fill
Poison – Unskinny Bop

I don’t have no problem with you fucking me
But I have a little problem wit you not fucking me
ODB – Got Your Money

www.SexyArmpit.com

UPS is WET and HORNY all the time!!!

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OK so, sometimes I’m not really paying attention to what I’m doing. We’ve all been there. Occasionally I’ll look in my sock drawer and pick out what I thought were black socks, but I actually wasn’t looking and picked out white socks! Of course, it’s 5:30 in the morning and I’m damn tired so there’s an excuse. In other situations I’ll mess numbers up…especially phone numbers. Have you ever misdialed and been totally baffled at who answered? Sometimes it’s someone you sooo did not expect!

During the Christmas season I usually buy a lot of gifts online. This always makes things easier so I won’t have to fight traffic. There is a downside though. I live in a condo and if UPS is making a delivery and I’m not home, they won’t leave the package at the door. Most times that I expect a delivery I’ll come home to an annoying yellow notice stuck to my door. Seeing that notice on my door pretty much defeats the purpose of getting the package mailed to me. This actually makes things more difficult because then I have to haul myself over to the local UPS hub. It’s not that it’s so far, it’s just that there’s a mongoloid that works there. I try not to go there if I can avoid it. But sure enough, every time I need to pick up a package the fat, bald, beady eyed, mongoloid is behind the counter being creepy.

Before you can even pick the package up you have to call UPS and let them know that you want to schedule a pick up rather than have them attempt another delivery. I usually don’t mind calling because their help line is automated and it’s not as bad as some other companies. A computerized female answers and asks how she can help and tells you to punch in or say your Infonotice number. Surprisingly, when you answer it typically understands what you’re saying so the amount of times you have to repeat yourself isn’t too great. The lady’s voice, we’ll call her Joan, is fairly inviting which is why calling to schedule a pickup isn’t that big of a deal to me. I’ve grown pretty used to calling although I’ve haven’t done it while driving in pouring rain. There’s always a first time though. ** WARNING RANDOM ALLITERATION**Keep in mind that dialing a cell phone while driving may deem detrimental to your day.

I steered with one hand and grabbed my blackberry with the other and dialed what I thought was the right number. Instead of dialing 1-800-833-9943, I wound up dialing 1-800-833-9433. I was anticipating reciting my tracking number and scheduling the pickup. Instead of hearing Joan ask me for my infonotice number I hear “Oh baby I‘m so glad you called, i’m so wet and horny all the time and my husband just can’t satisfy me. I’m a sex starved cheating young wife and I need a stud like you NOW!”

I was taken off guard since wet, horny housewives are probably the furthest thing from my mind when calling the United Parcel Service…maybe FedEx because at least there’s that ironic FedSex T-shirt. I hung up not because I was being a prude but because I thought I was going to have to pay for the call! Then I thought, shit… I was on the company phone instead of my cell! What if they look at the bill and it says JAY CALLED PHONE SEX at 6:44 AM…he’s one sick and perverse guy!! In conclusion, UPS does provide a service that’s for sure, but it’s more about arousing the package rather than shipping it.

www.SexyArmpit.com

The Case of the Perplexing G-String

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This one is “just a quickie” (no pun intended) Yeah right, that is impossible. As I sit in front of the computer I have a tissue stuck up my nose and I’m smoking my fake cigarette. This has been perplexing me for a while now so I needed to get in the mood. Since I started school this past semester in September of ’05 and ended a couple of weeks ago, I realized something about the girls at Kean. There seem to be many girls on that campus who wear G-Strings. I would sit in class and certain girls would waltz in and sit down in the rows in front of me and as they sat down I couldn’t help but see their backside where their G-strings would rise out of their pants and way up to their lower back. These weren’t normal G-Strings either. These had rhinestones, some had frilly doily patterns. Where the hell have I been? Personally, I’ve never been with a girl sexually who ever wore a G-string in my prescence.

I find this contradictory to what I had previously believed. I was under the impression that the majority of girls especially those in college wore THONGS. Am I living in the past? Are the days of Sisquo gone? To be honest – HBO comes to mind…”G-String Divas.” Is this show still on? Do they still make new episodes? I have never even seen it, I just know that they always used to show commercials for it relentlessly. Do you think that this show has anything to do with the upsurge in G-String wearing? Obviously our TV habits have an effect on our lifestyle. But I’m not sure in this case.

TO THE FEMALES READING THIS:

DO YOU OWN A G-STRING?

WOULD YOU WEAR IT ON A NORMAL DAY TO CLASS?

Would you wear it on an everyday basis? Like going to the bank? Is this a little odd? This may be a small percentage of girls. Perhaps I’m losing touch with the youth. After all, girls are having sex waay early at like…age 8 now. Personally, I just think a thong or regular underwear is fine young or old. I think jumping to the G-String definitely means SEX. Once you have that on you are hiking it up a few octaves. I just don’t think its necessary especially when a few of the G-Strings in question were seen popping up from girls jeans. Why do you need to wear one with jeans? I can see if it was a tight skirt, dress, spandex pants…whatever. I can see if you are on a beach in Brazil and everyone has one on. I can see you wearing one if you are Paul Stanley. I can see you wearing one if your butt crack needs a good flossing.

I just don’t know that if I was a girl if I would wear one to a school or work environment unless there was a reason. I can see if you are trying to turn on a co-worker or boss. I can see it if you slept at a boyfriends house and you dressed really sexy for him and then you realized you were late for class and had no time to put regular underwear on or even a thong then you just hightailed it to Kean for your Global History of Skankiness 101 class that you never study for cause you’ve aced all the tests. Maybe it’s extra points for the G-String. I sometimes sat there believing that these girls had a pole in their house and they would wake up twirl around it a few times in their G-String and slide down it and then once they hit the botttom floor their clothes would miraculously appear on them like Batman in the 60’s TV series. They slid down as Bruce and Dick (that sounded so dirty) and then appeared in the Batcave at the end of their poles (dirty again) as Batman and Robin. Frankly that was amazing. Who gives a fuck about G-Strings. I want a fucking Batpole so I don’t have to actually get changed in the morning. And what the hell does the G stand for in G-String? Am I missing something? Gyno? Gash?

www.SexyArmpit.com