MTV’s JERSEY GORE: Fist Pumping Zombie Guidos With Ripped Abs

Jersey Gore Pin
MTV’s Jersey Shore is about to jump the shark. The fourth season premieres tonight and it was all filmed in Italy. Oh, and Deena is now an official cast member which just means she’ll be stripping for any guy in Italy who pays attention to her. So, after spotting this JERSEY GORE pin at the last Monster Mania in Cherry Hill, I had an idea. This pin, which was for sale at the Bad Zombie/NJ Zombie Walk table, made me think of how much better the show would be if the cast all got turned into zombies.
The cast’s lame fights and corny, sappy romances would be elevated to a much more entertaining level if they were all part of the undead. I for one am frigging sick to death of all of Ronnie’s crying and whining about Sammie. F*ck that. If they were zombies I don’t think they’d really give a shit and I don’t think they’d do very much talking either so it’s a win-win. I’d love to see them all show up at a club down the shore with their jaws hanging open, eyeballs all white and glazed over, and their once artificially tanned bodies have decomposed into pale rotting flesh. No need for G.T.L anymore!
At the very least, I think it would be a great idea for the show to film a Halloween episode at the Asbury Park Zombie Walk since it’s a huge record setting deal. That would beat out an entire season’s worth of episodes from Italy. One question though, can walking corpses still maintain ridiculous abs?

Ad Jerseum 12: More McDonald’s Billboards

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Michelle Obama recently hailed McDonald’s efforts to make Happy Meals healthier. The Sexy Armpit has also hailed McD’s recently for it’s regional “Toast Your Town” marketing campaign. Although the last McDonald’s billboard I spotted was a bit convoluted (read this link), the two latest McDonald’s Toast Your Town billboards I found are pretty damn cool.

New Jersey’s coastline stretches for nearly 130 miles, but The Garden State is far from tropical. It’s safe to say that any palm tree you see is either of the cheesy fiber optic variety, a blow up pool decoration, or imported from a warmer state. Considering that we constantly get pummeled with blizzards in the winter, the idea of a drink that can make us feel more tropical or exotic here in NJ is welcome. All I have to do to feel tropical is buy a fruity drink from McDonalds? Will the Mango Pineapple Fruit Smoothie automatically transport me to an exotic island? Obviously a mere smoothie won’t whisk you away on a $10,000 dollar getaway to Hawaii, but perhaps Long Beach Island will be in your future? I bet they also recommend the tanning salon for the full effect.
I have to hand it to the McDonald’s marketing team for utilizing the localized ad concept. It’s an effective way to reach groups of people in specific regions. Most of the nationwide McDonalds ads are fairly generic and aren’t very impressive, so these are at least more entertaining. They must be, especially since I felt they were worth a follow up blog post.

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The “pumping fists not gas” line has previously appeared on t-shirts and bumper stickers.

 A large iced coffee at McDonalds probably would make me want to pump my fists, but not because I want to be mistaken for a guido, more because I would be insanely hopped up on caffeine.

If you read the last installment of Ad Jerseum, you will probably agree that despite whatever controversy exists between New York and New Jersey, The Statue of Liberty is simply not a symbol of New Jersey. People associate Lady Liberty with New York and naturally, the entire United States. I would say more people think of guidos when they hear “New Jersey” mentioned. It’s unfortunate that thanks to MTV’s hard-on for guidos, New Jersey may never overcome that association. Regardless of it being a negative association or not, I’ll admit that the second I saw the words “fist pump” the ad had my attention. I can’t believe fist pumping is as part of New Jersey as plastic surgery is to California. Yay stereotypes!

Simon Cowell’s X-Factor at the Prudential Center in Newark

The X-Factor in Newark New Jersey



Reality shows bothered me since the first ever Real World on MTV aired in 1992. I’ll admit that I was into the first few seasons of American Idol, but then I dropped off like an Acme anvil over a cartoon cliff. Reality shows killed sitcoms and that is why I will forever hate them. “Give me Webster, or give me Death!” – Me.

My built in hatred of reality shows had me disgusted as soon as I heard that Simon Cowell was bringing The X-Factor to the U.S. There’s no need for another televised singing competition. Think about it, when did you watch Star Search? I remember flicking channels and seeing it when nothing else was on and I was bored out of my skull. Usually it aired at some weird time, like 1:00 PM on a Sunday. Nope, not X-Factor. I’m sure it will be front and center in Fox’s fall lineup.

The Sexy Armpit attended The X-Factor auditions held last night at the Prudential Center in Newark, NJ. After waiting outside for an hour in 95 degree heat on a line nearly as long as one for a Justin Bieber kissing booth, we were finally let into the building. From there we were told to choose our own seats, a task that could’ve turned into mass chaos, but went surprisingly smooth.

The M.C, who happened to be a Jersey guy, went through his shtick and told us NOT to BOO the singers. WHAT? Isn’t that what we all do at home when watching these lame shows? If we don’t like someone we should be able to communicate that. I hear the Idol audience booing all the time. Aw, how sweet, The X-Factor is being all tender and compassionate. Simon Cowell is running the damn show! Simon, you better not have instituted this stupid no Booing policy.

The judges, Simon, Paula, Nicole Scherzinger, and L.A Reid, all walked out to their table in a swirl of lights and maniacal applause to Guns N Roses “Live and Let Die.” Simon wasn’t nearly as entertaining as he was on Idol, hopefully it’s because it was merely the audition phase. Paula’s responses were still all over the place, but more constructive. Nicole sounded like she was stoned out of her mind on crystal meth. Everything she said sounded like she was on a higher plane of existence. Maybe she was nervous since it was her first time judging on the show. L.A Reid was actually the best part because he cut to the chase. He’s an icon of the music business and someone who can provide an expert perspective to the singers.

Did they find any talent in Newark, NJ? Hell yeah they did! Some of the singers actually thrilled the audience to the point of standing ovations. One Brooklyn woman resurrected Billy Vera’s “At This Moment,” and blew the roof off the Pru Center. Needless to say, she made it through as did many other superb singers, many of whom hailed from The Garden State. But don’t you worry, there were enough laughable performances to drop into those promos that will suck you into watching the show.

Jersey Shore Gone Wilde

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Even though you may have seen it already, I couldn’t resist posting this video mash up of Jersey Shore and Broadway’s The Importance of Being Earnest courtesy of The Roundabout Theatre Company. This is the first part of a multi part series created for Playbill by The Importance of Being Earnest stars Santino Fontana and David Furr.

Will MTV Shed Some SKINS?

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Featured Sexy Armpit writer N.J Holden is back, and this time he’s offering his editorial expertise 
on MTV’s controversial show, SKINS. He also explores two of the cast members’ Jersey roots.

With television saturated by so-called “reality” shows, MTV cheerfully bathes in it from head to toe. At any given time on any given day, shows such as True Life, Teen Mom, The Real World, and (ugh) Jersey Shore can be seen and have, in a sense, become the network’s standard in terms of programming. But when it was announced that it was producing Skins, few could have anticipated such a myriad of hype and controversy about a hand-me down drama from England about teens up to their eyeballs in sex and drugs. Forget its other show The Hard Times of RJ Berger (whose geeky high school protagonist has the endowment of John Holmes); Skins seemed to have a bulls eye on it from the get-go. After its initial airing, major sponsors pulled their ads and the Parents Television Council (PTC) called for its cancellation, citing that the nudity amongst its cast was dangerously near child pornography (despite the brief nude scenes, it never becomes graphic or sexual in context) since most of its cast was under the age of 18. But if you look past all the cries of denouncement, one would find that MTV has finally put on a good show, but one that seems destined for a brief life.

Using a talented cast of unknowns (including New Jersey natives Sofia Black D’Elia and Daniel Flaherty), the show follows the lives of a small clique of teens with a penchant for anything bad. From scoring legal and illegal drugs to switching sexual partners on a dime, this is KIDS (that cult classic from 1995) for the new millennium, but with more sympathetic characters than their New York counterparts (hell, even more sympathy than those Jersey Shore clowns). Stanley (Flaherty) is the group’s warm heart and soul, an aloof kid with marijuana smoke for brains who is torn between his best friend’s girlfriend and his own girlfriend, all of whom carry their own sorts of baggage. Meanwhile, Tea (D’Elia) is an open lesbian who questions her sexuality after a forbidden tryst with her friend’s boyfriend Tony, the clique’s macho leader whose swagger is only matched by his appetite for destruction, sometimes at the cost of his own friends. Along with the group, the show features subplots as a student-teacher relationship, a disastrous class trip into the woods, homelessness, and ill-equipped parents either not ready to deal with their kids or are too busy being kids themselves. For one hour each week, all of these ingredients are stirred together to give people a reason to forget “reality” shows and see a grossly (but not too distorted) view of why teenagers are revered and abhorred in today’s society. Every teenager seems to have feelings of superiority and invincibility and combined with irresponsibility and a lack of remorse, nothing good can come of this which is what the show demonstrates.

With Jersey Shore as its lead-in, Skins seemed to be a guaranteed success, not to mention the heavy promotion the network put behind it. But with its numbers far below expectations and the viewers dwindling week by week, the fate of the show (at the time of this writing) was still up in the air. An online petition was formed in the hopes of keeping it alive at least for another season if not more. While MTV thrives on controversy, the backlash may have worked against it. Is the show racy? Yes, but it never crosses over into sleaze territory, and those who have cried foul over the show’s depiction of sex and drugs failed to realize that the show never glamorizes or promotes it. Whatever the outcome, Skins has introduced NJ’s own D’Elia and Flaherty into the mainstream; two actors who are sure to become stars sooner or later. Let’s hope sooner.

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 74: Take Sesame Street To The Jersey Shore

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Mash-ups in pop culture are inevitable no matter how blasphemous. If you grew up watching Sesame Street and The Muppet Show, then there’s a damn good chance you are furious over the mere idea of the Sesame Street gang getting mixed up with the cast of Jersey Shore. It’s like the apostles banding together to create one righteously badass boy band, it’s just something that’s never supposed to happen. But when t-shirt sales are involved, all bets are off!

For some reason I can see Bert and Ernie going tanning and doing laundry, but I doubt I’d catch them at the gym since they seem pretty doughy. Maybe The Situation and Pauly D. have inspired them to tone up for beach season or bathtub season in their case? Oscar seems to fit right in. He’s chillin’ in a trash can that has an “I Heart Jersey” sign on it, and I’m sure he’ll be quite happy since we’ve got a helluva lot of trash here in Jersey. They really should’ve got the Muppets in on this and asked Miss Piggy if she wanted to be Snooki.

jersey shore sesame street 1

In the t-shirt pictured above, It looks like Cookie Monster turned red from too much tanning and had a sex change. I always thought Cookie Monster was male but seeing him as Snooki Monster has me worried. I hope Cookie Monster didn’t go and have any weird Muppet operation. I realize it’s only a play on words but who knows, right? Do you have a direct line into Cookie Monster’s personal affairs? Does he tell you his innermost feelings? Maybe he was never comfortable as himself and he engorges himself with COOOOOOKIES to help alleviate his misery. Until you truly know Cookie Monster then don’t make any assumptions! If he wants to have an operation to become a pudgy, tanned guidette who eats pickles instead of cookies, then so be it. We love you either way Cookie Monster.

Lipstick and Cigarettes at The Crossroads in Garwood NJ

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On Saturday night February 18th, The Sexy Armpit along with our featured writer Nick “NJ” Holden inhaled some delicious pop rock that was coated in a sweet new wave glaze and dusted with crunchy grooves. Sound good? Well, I’m lying. Dessert wasn’t a priority for us at The Crossroads in Garwood that night, it was actually Lipstick and Cigarettes, the new wave inspired pop rock band.

Surprisingly, out of all the music venues I’ve been to throughout NJ, this was my first time at The Crossroads. I discovered that they serve a TALL, ice cold, Red Bull and vodka. If you’re like me and get tired when you stay up passed 10pm, that’s the drink for you. “It’s 10 pm, do you know where your children are?” MY MOM: “Why yes I do, my son The Sexy Armpit is at The Crossroads in Garwood passed out at a table but not from alcohol, it’s just because he gets sleepy.” Once the band hit the stage at around 10:45, I no longer needed the liquid crack because tunes like “White Tie Affair,”and “Automatic” energized the heck out of me and so did their shout out to The Sexy Armpit! Thanks guys!

This was the band’s last show of the winter and I’m glad I got to check them out once again. Clad in an outfit straight out of GQ, frontman Chris Orsi’s lively mood was contagious. Erik’s drum beats kept me well stimulated. Also elevating the crowd was bassist Sara who was having a blast on stage and could not stop smiling in between songs. Maybe it’s because of the rumors I’ve heard about a keytar being incorporated into their repertoire very soon? Hopefully one day we’ll see Lipstick and Cigarettes “play the keytar on the MTV!”

@LipsNCigs on Twitter or Like them on Facebook
Also check out iTunes to download Lipstick and Cigarettes brand new EP!

Lock Up Your Daughters, Fairfield Is Here!

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When a band’s lead singer looks like Zac Efron with more testosterone, it’s only a matter of time before your daughter and/or wife falls in love them. And while having a lead singer who looks like an alum from High School Musical isn’t necessarily the key to success in the music world, not looking like McLovin does help enormously. Last weekend at The Starland Ballroom in Sayreville, NJ, The Sexy Armpit checked out Jersey Shows Battle of the Bands finals. I made it there just in time to catch Jersey pop-rockers Fairfield take the stage.

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The band started out with a short cover of “Lose Yourself,” which was cool even though I’m not an Eminem fan. After introducing themselves, Fairfield launched into a fun, fast paced set of tunes, some of which sound like they are step away from being heard on a preview for the next tween blockbuster or an MTV show. Singer Anthony Tortorello’s undeniable charisma on stage made it seem like he’s been wooing audiences his entire life. It was as if we were in a video game and little red 8-bit hearts of all the girls in the crowd simultaneously floated out of their chests and over to Anthony. For an up and coming band, a solid lead singer is only half the battle. Without the band backing him up, Anthony would need to incorporate some magic tricks or some really lewd jokes into the set.

Fairfield isn’t just about their frontman. This new alternative pop rock band comprises a bunch of best friends who hail from central New Jersey. On their Myspace page they cite Armor For Sleep, Taking Back Sunday, Cartel, and Paramore as their influences. On guitar there’s Francisco Ortiz Gomez and Kyle Gordon, Kevin Yanes on Bass, and Mickey Ladines on drums. I had the chance to meet Kevin and Francisco after the show and they were equally as enthusiastic to meet The Sexy Armpit. Their EP is available at their merch table after the show. Until then you can listen to their tunes at Myspace or LIKE them on Facebook!

How The Grinch Stole New Jersey

The Christmas season has officially kicked off and The Sexy Armpit’s iPod has been cranking out the holiday tunes, but there’s one song that I forgot to put on there! “Mr. Grinch,” a 1995 alt-rock cover version by The Whirling Dervishes who hailed from Westfield, NJ.

The Whirling Dervishes got some airplay on MTV and they were were pretty big in the local Jersey rock scene in the ’80s and ’90s. Members of the band went on to form Everlounge, who frequently plays original rocking lounge music in bars and clubs around The Garden State. Whether you’re a New Jersey native or not, their version of “Mr. Grinch” is a must add to your Holiday playlist.

Everlounge will be playing at:
The Stage House
Scotch Plains, NJ
on 1/7/11

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Top 10 Other Meanings of G.T.L: NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 70

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The Situation isn’t the only one who can coin original acronyms. Anyone can do it! Acronyms make it easier to remember names, companies, lists, and other stuff, but when the acronym has more than one meaning, that’s when remembering them all becomes a task. Since we are already familiar with Gym, Tanning, and Laundry, I have gathered together many of the alternate words that the letters G.T.L also stand for. Even TNA Wrestler Robbie E. formulated his own credo of G.T.W (Gym, Tanning and Wrestling.) Feel free to create your own! Here’s some from The Sexy Armpit:

Goobers. Trannies. Lint
Ghouls. Trix. Lauper
Gremlins. Tomes and TalismansLabyrinth 
Guidos. Wasabi. Licky Boom Boom Down
Gwildor. Torture. Labias
GaGa. Teeth. Lingerie
Grendel. Titties. Lube
Ghoulash. Tacos. Lime-aid
Go-Bots. Transformers. Lion-O
Tokka. Grover. Lurch