sexyarmpit, Author at Sludge Central

Batman Playing Cards

Posted on July 3, 2008 by sexyarmpit

In my Christmas stocking for a few years I found sets of Batman playing cards. I used to think that since I wasn’t a big card player except for my big win in the “Go Fish Tournament of Champions” in ’86 that these cards were pretty useless to me. Considering almost every other thing in my room is Batman related these playing cards probably felt terribly neglected. You would think because these were such badass card sets that It would’ve made me want to play more cards, right? Well, that wasn’t the case. Recently I came to terms with these cards and realized that they are merely an addition to my Batman collection. If I were to play cards, let’s say, on my converting gaming bar that I never use, I highly doubt I’d whip these babies out for everyone to get their slimy hands on. Yeah right! Don’t underestimate my analness! I’m much more paranoid about my collectibles than that. Of course I have a regular set to play with that are NOT Batman, so relax!

For some reason it seems that every set of Batman playing cards was top quality. The cards were glossy and weren’t thin and flimsy like alot of card sets. The Animated Series set was by far the best because all of the cards featured almost the entire cast of characters in the show. The more recent “The Batman” card set runs a close second since every card has artwork from the show, but not enough of Batman’s rogue’s gallery! The Batman Returns set only featured photos on the face cards so that was a bummer. The Joker card in the Batman Returns set wasn’t even Joker since he wasn’t in the movie, so they slapped one of the skeletal members of the Red Circus Gang on the front of it. I don’t own the card sets for the other films but judging by these cards, I’m sure they were well done also. My dream playing card set would include Ace the Bat Hound on the ACE card, Matches Malone on the JACK card, King Tut on the KING card, and Marcia Queen of Diamonds on the Queen card. Who would you pick to be featured on your set?

Batman on Blu-Ray Giveaway!!!

Posted on July 2, 2008 by sexyarmpit

To celebrate the kickoff The Sexy Armpit’s DARK KNIGHT COUNTDOWN Fox Home Video has been gracious enough to supply us with a Blu-Ray disc of the original Batman The Movie (1966) Special Edition starring Adam West and Burt Ward to give away to a lucky reader. Batman was released today on Blu-Ray so THANKS Fox Home Video!

HOW TO WIN THE BATMAN BLU-RAY DISC: E-Mail sexyarmpit@comcast.net subject line: BATMAN. Just for fun, try to answer one of the 2 following questions: What was Catwoman’s Moscow Bugle Alias OR answer Riddler’s riddle What’s Yellow and Writes? One winner will be picked randomly and the deadline is 7/20.

I’ve always been obsessed with the ’60s Batman TV series. It’s so bad that I can tell you the episode name, what season it was in, who played each villain, etc. So basically it’s going to be difficult for me to give away the new Blu-Ray transfer and not try to hold onto it for dear life.

As any legit Bat-fan knows, the ’60s live action TV series brought us some cool bat crap but my favorite of all time comes from this film: SHARK REPELLENT BAT-SPRAY! When I was a kid my friend Frank and I made all kinds of accessories for our toy utility belts but the one thing that he never had that I DID was a mini can of Shark Repellent Bat Spray that my dad made for me. Alot of you remember the times that your dad taught you how to spiral a football, throw a slider, or change the oil in your first car. Well, I remember my dad fashioning me a kick-ass aerosol can that would repel sharks in case one decided to “pull my leg.”

In the film you’ll see all the classic villains masterfully portrayed as well as the entire cast of Batman regulars. There’s so many extras on this disc they couldn’t even fit on Commodore Schmidlapp’s yacht!

Features include: Commentary by Adam West and Burt Ward, Isolated musical Score in DTS, several featurettes including: Batman: A Dynamic Legacy, Caped Crusaders: A Heroes Tribute, Gotham’s City’s Most Wanted, The Batmobile Revealed, Batman on Location, original trailers, still galleries, trivia, and lots more! Take a look at one of the featurettes from the new Batman Blu-Ray disc:

Barbie: This is Why She’s Hot!

Posted on July 1, 2008 by sexyarmpit

Skipper was the younger, more experimental sister of Barbie. She was certainly trendy but not as mature as Barbie was in terms of her chest region. Skipper was just discovering the world right along with me. Her and I had alot of chemistry. We both loved the beach and doing other cool stuff like well…going to the beach. You see, when I was 4 years old, it was much more appealing to be involved with an energetic, fresh faced, blue-eyed blonde with spunk than a twenty-something skank who’s been around the block more times than an ice cream truck. She was right up my alley because she was young, petite, and had blonde hair. She was everything I looked for in a girl. Skipper’s appearance changed numerous times throughout the years but the cute, blonde skipper is the one I remember.

Skipper seemed filled with a lust for life that Barbie seemed to have lost. The thought of Skipper being closer to me in age really grabbed me. I felt like I had more of a chance with her. Barbie was off in her Dream House with Ken biting her pillow while the vulnerable, impressionable, and parentless Skipper didn’t have much to do. I felt like even though I was younger than her I could sort of rescue her from her older sisters neglect and out of control cocaine habit. Remember, it was the ‘80s.

She wasn’t a promiscuous teenager either. She liked the chase. It wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be with her. When Barbie was babysitting Skipper, I would come and hang out with both of the hotties. And naturally, my chances were a lot better with Skipper, although if Ken was at work who knew what types of debauchery could take place in the DREAM HOUSE! OK so, nothing really badass happened like that but I did get to “explore” quite a bit.

I remember being very distressed over the fact that Skipper shared the same name as a character on Gilligan’s Island, a show I watched relentlessly as a kid. Lets face it, Skipper wasn’t really nautical in any way but who said Barbie dolls made any sense? I can’t provide a good reason as to why Skipper had numerous other ludicrous nicknames. Let’s take a look at some: Hot Stuff Skipper, Horse Loving Skipper, (that‘s just wrong, why didn‘t they just name her Bestiality Skipper?) Super Teen Skipper, (what a coincidence, something just popped up on my computer screen that said Super Teen Stripper) And finally, talk about overlap, there was Sun Lovin’ Malibu Skipper and Sunsational Malibu Skipper!

While I was very young I was attracted to Skipper but as I started to get a little older I began to appreciate the finer things in life. As a few years past, Jem and the Holograms opened new doors for me. What could I say, I liked the rock chicks with big hair. Not only in cartoons but in real life I was digging rocker chicks also. From Lita Ford to Vixen they had the spotlight when I was a kid.

So, my taste in women matured when Barbie suddenly decided she wanted to be a rock star. It was 1985 and Barbie wouldn’t let Jem and the Holograms steal her thunder: “No way bitch I’ve been around for 25 years and I could rock out too.” Hence Barbie and the Rockers were born. What 7 year old boy wasn’t at least a little turned on by Barbie and Rockers? Okay probably NONE of you. But they did have their own stage and instruments!
Chicks with multicolored hair have always been a huge turn on for me. Chances are, if you have any type of neon color running through your hair I’ll think it’s cool. I’m easily sold. Perhaps this was a residual effect from the Jem period of my youth?

This article doesn’t mean I have some kind of weird doll fetish but DAMN people have fetishes for everything nowadays. There’s porn of cartoon characters which baffles me. How anyone can get off to that is beyond me. I seriously wouldn’t doubt there’s a niche for doll erotica. This article is merely about the shock that came over me when I realized, “Holy Shit, Barbie is f’n HOT!” Old school Barbie dolls were pretty generic looking dolls. They’ve gotten more glamorous and detailed over the years but they haven’t been closer to resembling an ACTUAL HOT CHICK than they do NOW! And Supergirl? Fughetabout it! Cosplay Barbies? Wowee. Who doesn’t love a girl dressed as Supergirl, Batgirl, or Wonder Woman? All of us geeky superhero obsessed dudes would take that any day. Ahem..If she wasn’t made of plastic that is.

What do you say after taking a look at some of these hot Barbie bitches? Keep in mind, I’ve taken these photos for research purposes only. Let’s be honest, what kind of creep stands around Toys ‘R Us and takes pictures of Barbie dolls with his phone? THIS CREEP! The following question is for guys, bisexual girls, and lesbians: Tell me if these dolls were real people you wouldn’t want to f–k them?

Seduced by Barbie

Posted on June 30, 2008 by sexyarmpit

Throughout my life there’s been many reasons why people have questioned my sexuality. Perhaps it was my pink bandanna phase. I swore that it was inspired by Jesse “the Body” Ventura but no one ever believed me. “Yeah right Jay, sure…Jesse the Body…that‘s it!” Even during backyard wrestling matches I’d come out dressed up like the androgynous Goldust, face paint and all freaking everyone out. My lifelong obsessions with Madonna and Prince didn’t help the cause either. Hell, I’ve even been on the receiving end of a massage and a pedicure! Go ahead, call me metro sexual. Luckily though, in my defense, there’s never been any concrete evidence against me on the subject of questioning my sexuality. Until now that is…

You see, as a child growing up with an older sister it was extremely difficult to get her to do “boy things” with me. Somehow when my sister finally caved in on those random occasions, I found myself unfulfilled when she would play as the Princess Leia action figure. Of course if it was He-Man time, she would be Teela. She wasn’t the worst action figure player but she wasn’t quite in tune with the “scene” if you catch my drift. She didn’t know Eternia from Ecuador. Ram Man could’ve been a mythological creature who was half ram and half man for all she knew. But alas she gave it her best effort. My sister’s finest skills weren’t in the creating of an original storyline to have the action figures take part in but they were in merely setting up the figures as if they were going to be in some sort of photo shoot. She would say things like “Let’s put all the good guys over here and the bad guys over here.” She was very organizational with these plastic heroes of mine. I guess I didn’t mind either because at least she was paying attention to me. There’d be times when she actually would play with her Barbie dolls and do their hair and make sure they all had the right outfits on and then set them up against the wall to show them off. To my sister it seemed like the details were more important than what adventures her dolls would be partaking in.

When my sister was in her Barbie doll playing mood, she’d be on one side of the room while I’d be on the other with my action figures. At first I detested these Barbies but then after I watched her through the open mouth of castle gray skull I realized she was having a fabulous time. (There’s another strike against me, I just used the word FABULOUS!) It wasn’t that my figures and playsets weren’t fulfilling me it was just that she seemed like she was accomplishing something with her Barbie Dolls while I sat with a bunch of hunks of plastic and Moss Man. There was a lot more pressure on me to create my own little stories to act out with the Universe of He-Man, GI Joe, WWF, etc. She could sit there and throw Skipper on a horse and have a super good time while Barbie and Ken made out on a park bench. It was that easy. Dammit, you could have anything happen in the ginormous Barbie Dream house she had. Fuck, it was called a DREAM HOUSE! Anything could happen in it! My sister even had the Barbie yacht that floated around in the pool! Talk about a cool invention! She had the Barbie corvette and everything you could possibly think of. This was the early ‘80s when Barbie was expanding her hobbies and accessories beyond your wildest dreams. Barbie’s family and group of friends suddenly grew extensively as if she just found out that she had another entire family in a parallel universe.

With her Barbie collection there was so much to be enticed by. Meanwhile I had already planned Skeletor to invade Grayskull and rule Eternia about a bazillion times. Buzz Off was getting a little boring and Duke, Shipwreck, and Zartan were already fed up with my unoriginal plots that I’d been casting them in. Let’s just say one day we all had a little falling out and I defected to the OTHER side of the room…my SISTERS side of the room.

If you’ve ever seen the episode of That ‘70s show where Kelso lets Jackie do his hair and makeup and then puts him in a dress, that’s the way I felt that day but I had fun. This move was voluntary and purely for investigative purposes. Naturally as a young healthy boy I would never think of playing with Barbie dolls, unless Cobra was plotting a terrorist attack on Barbie’s Dream house. Nah, I didn’t have anything elaborate like that planned but it just looked like fun. After my sister showed me how to primp these bitches then I set off hot-rodding in her corvette and chillin’ out in the DREAM HOUSE. It was that day that I fell in love with a hot little piece of plastic and her name was Skipper.

To be continued…

A Memoir by The Green Hornet

Posted on June 18, 2008 by sexyarmpit

To whom it may concern:

I never asked for much. I never wanted to be number one, I never asked them for anything. I didn’t have any “wonderful toys”, or crazy bionic-geo-thermal-night-gear-infrared suits. It was a hat and an overcoat, and I even got a little mask to cover part of my face. I got a neat car, no, not the Hornet-mobile, the Black Beauty. Yes, the name sounds like a horse, and it’s considered a “clunker” by today’s standards. It didn’t even talk, or cocoon itself.

Sure my sidekick Kato just happened to be Asian. I have nothing against Asians, but just because of his nationality he thought he was some martial arts “expert”. He was always trying to show off, making me look like a total incompetent tool. You might know Kato from “The Kato Show” oh no, wait…that’s what my show “The Green Hornet” was called in Hong Kong. Villains? Rogues Gallery? No such thing. It was about as exciting as a bank tellers banquet. No one with face paint, split personalities, serum injecting psychos, and especially no crazy reptiles. No, there was no Hornet-signal to light up the night sky, but I owned a newspaper, The Daily Sentinel. Excitement personified.

My great grand uncle was the Lone Ranger. Do you know how hard it was living in his shadow? The man carried silver bullets! He was a legend and they made him hang out with an angry Native American. Wow, aren’t we a stereotypical bunch! Tonto must’ve been some prick though, always poking fun at L.R calling him “Kimosabe”. I’da belted him one. That wasn’t too long before Wayne Enterprises bought the Daily Sentinel and re-named it the Gotham Globe. Publishers revolted: “Britt Reid’s not cool enough to own a newspaper.” (direct quote)

Apparently I wasn’t cool enough for DC comics, who wouldn’t even touch me with one of Penguin’s umbrellas. Marvel said let’s tell Stan about him and see what he could do with him. The next month SPIDER MAN debuted in the comics, that’s how effed up Stan is. I finally signed with now-defunct NOW comics, the publishers of the ever popular Ralph Snart, Married with Children, and Robocop titles. (among other quality books)

What about show biz? Hollywood you ask? Well, when my glory days of radio were over, my TV show wasn’t fun and exciting enough so they teamed us up with Batman and Robin. Those caped clowns were gayer-than-gay in their leotards. I was so much more of a bad-ass. You’ll notice in that episode I was such a hardcore outcast compared to the others. I got no respect. They were in talks to make a movie starring GREG KINNEAR playing myself, but it never got off the ground. Not enough “Flash and Balls” they said. I said, Eff ’em. I don’t need them. But the franchise and merchandising rights alone would’ve made me rich beyond my wildest dreams.

God knows I haven’t been in a film since they re-created a scene from the TV show for “Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story”. As of now the Green Hornet film is in limbo and the licenses and options belong to Miramax. Last I heard Seth Rogen was writing a script about me. I’ll remember him in my will since by the time he finishes the damn thing I’ll be dead. Chances are if Seth Rogen writes the script, the movie will be about how some old time pothead radio announcer, who couldn’t pronounce his “R” sound, began calling me Bwitt Weed instead of Britt Reid. One of my tag lines that shows up in the teaser trailer will probably be “They don’t call me the GREEN Hornet for nothing” as I exhale a cloud of green smoke which also doubles as a sleeping gas that I use to fight criminals. Maybe I should just write the damn thing? (sswswswswsw whispers…..WAIT WHAT? They want Seth Rogen to play ME?”) What a joke. Why don’t they just kill me on the spot and cast Jonah Hill? Whatever, f-ck it. They won’t listen to any of MY thoughts on who should play me! After all…who knows me better than me??? TED “JEFFERSON” MCGINLEY BITCHES! If we’re going to make this funny then we may as well go for the gold here.

Oh and for those who’ve been pretending to care about what I’ve been doing lately then here it goes: For the last six months I’ve been living with Big Aunt Bertha. The sad part is she’s not even my aunt. I’m not even related to her. She’s a prostitute. I couldn’t pay her, so she’s forced me to stay here with her. She’s smelly and enormous. I hate rubbing her feet. I’ve learned to try and enjoy giving her oral pleasure, and some of the other God awful things she makes me do. It wouldn’t be that bad if she didn’t have a DING-DONG down there. I do get a meal every two weeks. It’s not anything exquisite, but then again, I’m living in a rat infested shack with an enormous prostitute. I cannot keep writing, because Bertha is behind me.

But I’ll leave you with this: I wasn’t a flying squirrel, not even a cool bird or serpent, I was a bug, just a fly on the wall. But I wasn’t just a fly, I was a HORNET! A Hornet who couldn’t fly. A Hornet who’s writing this wearing the old Hornet mask and green lingerie, bent over getting “Bertha-fied”, with a gun in his mouth.

BERTHA: “Ohh my Britt…You are onnee horrrnny Hornet!”

I’ll try…to…keep one shred of …de…decency… if I could just reach my Hornet sting…

………………..Kato!!!

Ahh, Thank goodness you’re here, get this Fat Piece of Shit off my ass!

Review: The Incredible Hulk

Posted on June 13, 2008 by sexyarmpit

While many folks schedule their vacations to the Bahamas or Mexico this summer, I base my vacation time off release dates of super hero movies. It’s something I’ve always done, even as a kid. Well, let me correct myself, we weren’t lucky enough to be able to schedule our own vacation time when we were in school but I did it anyway. “Mom, Batman Returns comes out on Friday and I want to take off of school so can you take me?” Surprisingly, my mom was always supportive of that kind of thing. Even as I went through High School I never ditched class, I just had my mom call me in sick. Then my friends (who all pulled similar strings with their moms) and I went to the theater whenever a MUST SEE movie came out. Most of the time it was a Batman movie. You can just imagine how pumped I am for THE DARK KNIGHT! I’ve already scheduled my day off and booked a room in Atlantic City so I can see it in an IMAX theater. To a lot of you those plans might seem a little excessive just to see a movie. The sun, palm trees, a frozen cocktail…a Jedi crave not these things. Today my vacation day entailed a trip to the theater to see The Incredible Hulk. Here’s the recap:

Like so many other people, I was not impressed with Hulk’s last movie treatment in 2003. I was never an obsessive fan of the Hulk like I am with Batman, but I was a loyal fan of the TV show as a kid. That was the type of film I was hoping for when I saw Ang Lee’s version. The latest incarnation starring Ed Norton as David Banner reached such a level of satisfaction for me that I was entirely impressed. Ed Norton and the rest of the cast (Liv Tyler, William Hurt, and Tim Roth) seemed like they rocketed straight out of the comic books and onto the screen.

A couple of my favorite scenes featured the interaction between Norton and Tyler who had such a natural chemistry. One scene involves Betty Ross (Liv Tyler), attempting to nurture the Hulk with her soothing voice while Hulk is going balls out throwing boulders because he just saw some lightning and heard thunder. “It’s OK, it’s only the rain…” she says. In that scene, the relationship between Kong and Ann Darrow come to mind. In comparison, Ang Lee’s version seemed tragic while this rejuvenated Hulk evokes vitality. A Hulk film should not be dull and dreary and this film was the opposite and triumphed because of it. Thankfully, The Incredible Hulk maintainted the drama and action with occasional poignant moments.

Another scene that I adored, and actually laughed out loud, is a scene where David Banner and Betty Ross are taking a cab ride in New York City. The driver is completely reckless and driving like a maniac. Because they’re getting dangerously bounced around, Banner is about to go ape shit. They get out and the ever protective Ross gets irate on the taxi driver kicking his car and calling him an “Asshole.” I couldn’t tell if her character was just trying to protect Banner from hulking up or if the filmmakers were attempting a social commentary on the uptight aggressive nature of New York City? If any place in the world makes you turn into a super pissed off 9 foot tall green monster it will probably be the New York/New Jersey area. Represent.

Fans of the TV series and comic book will not be disappointed because it seemed very much an accurate mixture of the two. You’ll notice many references to the TV series such as Ferrigno as a pizza accepting security guard, Bill Bixby’s on the TV in The Courtship of Eddie’s Father, hints of the old theme song, and of course the Marvel staple Stan Lee is sipping a gaurana soda. Norton even begins to utter “You wouldn’t like me if I’m…” I’ll leave the rest to your imagination if you haven’t seen it yet. You may even hear a “HULK SMASH!!!” thrown in for good measure and a hint at Leader as the next villian.

The film had an excellent pace and didn’t drag, and the action scenes were skillfully created. And like the filmmakers promised, this Hulk film wasn’t bogged down with CGI. Even though Hulk and Abomination were CGI, they looked totally realistic and not like a video game. Hulk especially looked awesome.

If you’ve read articles on the Internet about the film or watched any TV spots, they couldn’t wait to spoil the Tony Stark cameo. I really wish it was a secret because seeing him at the end would’ve been more more of a surprise. But honestly, I was so wrapped up in the film that I totally slipped my mind that Robert Downey Jr. was about to drop in. How exciting will THE AVENGERS be? That one might necessitate a week long celebration, not just a day off!

So far this has been one helluva summer for movies. I’m traditionally let down by “summer blockbusters” but many such as Indy, and Hulk have blown me away. I can’t imagine what THE DARK KNIGHT is going to do to me. It might make me Hulk up and SMASH stuff! Have you seen The Incredible Hulk yet? Did you enjoy it? I’d like to hear YOUR thoughts!

Ice Breakers Lemon Iced Tea Mints

Posted on June 10, 2008 by sexyarmpit

It’s been so blazingly hot here in New Jersey that my writing powers were slowly depleting until I found some inspiration from a package of mints. I found these Ice Breakers Sugar Free Lemon Iced Tea flavored mints while on line at the grocery store. Iced Tea has always been my favorite beverage…that is…whenever I run out of everclear.

As far as I know, Fresca, prune juice, and Kaopectate are NOT the official drinks of suburbia. I would say the reigning king of libations in suburbia especially in the’80s was Kool-Aid, but in my household it was most definitely Iced Tea. If anyone ranging from a friend to a washing machine repair man walked into my house, my mom offered them iced tea as if they were homeless and hadn’t had any liquid pass through their bodies in a decade. Of course the hospitality never ended there but as it pertains to this article, if we compared the scenario to a religious ceremony iced tea was the liquid of the Gods. To the shock and outrage of many people, I’m not a big fan of bread which renders me “staff of life deficient,” so I must compensate with plenty of Iced Tea.

As for gum, I don’t chew Ice Breakers that often because I don’t really need little mint crystals in my gum. I do enjoy mints and seeing this fine product hit the shelves only made me realize there’s a lack of beverage flavored mints. Although, when the revolution of drink based breath fresheners does commence, I pray mints all over the world model their flavors off of these. Then take cover because mouth explosions will take place everywhere.

These Lemon Iced Tea mints bear a surprisingly accurate taste to the real thing. Plus, any product that boasts “Ultimate Mouth Freshening” must be pretty damn effective. I think part of me really enjoyed these because they aren’t just a run of the mill mint with a typical flavor. I commend Ice Breakers for taking a chance on a cool new flavor while keeping them sugar free. It also doesn’t hurt that they remind me of the old style certs. Has anyone tried these yet?

If Things Never Got Cold

Posted on June 5, 2008 by sexyarmpit

The summer is approaching and the weather is heating up. Man, I can’t describe how much I take my central air for granted as I sit in an 83 degree condo. We already know what happens when it gets hot since we’ve heard it in a ton of songs. Gonna Make You Sweat, Hot in Herre, Hotter Than Hell, Feelin’ Hot, Hot, Hot. Even the poor misunderstood Paris said “That’s hot.” But what happens if things didn’t ever get cold? Those iconic songs and quotes will seem like a Nostradamus prophecy.

For Van Winkle’s sake we wouldn’t have Ice Ice Baby
And the nipples wouldn’t get hard on your lady
There would be no cubes to drop in her drink
After you slip those roofies to get to into her pink
How would hockey players skate in the rink?
Want to go see the rollerblade capades? It’s fun, I swear!
Kids wouldn’t get to savor snow days, it wouldn’t be fair!
Freeky Freezies would be well…um…just plain freaky
But I’d still have the hots for Emmanuelle Chriqui
Jack Torrance wouldn’t have been frozen in the maze
Too Cold, Too Cold…it’s the phrase that pays
and that badass will lose his ice cold gaze
Say hello to your new chief of staff Johnny Blaze
It’s a cream truck now since it lost it’s “Ice”
it’s the worst occurrence since Bo B… (oops! no “ice”)
You’ll never have to break the ice or pretend to be nice
You wouldn’t be “iced out” so there’d be no name for jewelry in hip hop
although shorts would still be acceptable on that hot cop
Think about it…Icee’s would turn into Meltees
and you’d have no use for cold eeze.
IMDB wouldn’t acknowledge Arnold’s turn as Mr. Freeze
Unfortunately not much would change with Ree-Yees
What would I do in suburbia without iced tea?
Could we still play We Ski for the Wii?
No icebergs, so the Titanic wouldn’t sink
it’s a scorcher out there, so have yourself a warm drink
Fughetabout Fla-vor-ice you freaks
And NO ICE in 9 1/2 weeks 🙁
Hey look what’s not freezing…the stream of piss as you’re taking a leak. Goodbye to that Hoth planet. Take more clothes off! Dammit Janet! Freeze tag reverts back to the plain old tag, and you’ll never need de-icer on the windshield of your brand new jag. David Blaine ain’t living in a block of ice in New York, and the Yeti has gone into hiding and feels like a total dork. Your pillow is never cold when you lay down your head and the toilet seat is never cold when you sit your ass on the head. To think i can’t even call Lacie Heart HOT anymore but at least we’ll still have our memories of the cold war. Cool ice sculptures would become no more than a spill on the floor.

In the middle of the 3rd period there was a big hit on center puddle and on the football field you won’t see the players breath in the huddle. If you’re desperately wishing for a blizzard, you’ll have to go see the wizard. He’ll also give you a melting klondike bar, figure out what you want to do with it. Maybe you’ll eat it with Iceman Tom Kazansky, you know he can chomp down on that shit. From Chily Willy to Frosty the Snowman and Cookie Puss to Fudgie the Whale it’s all over for them, hammer their coffin with a nail. Icy Hot is still in business no surprise. What the heck are Eskimo pies? Freezing over? What’s with all those lies?
Tourism to Hell is on the rise. Global Warming can suck my d–k, how about 2 nice big snow balls to lick?

We’d experience hot season never “cold season.” Your assets would never get frozen. You’re girl would never complain that it was too cold to take her clothes off. Not only during the holidays would our hearts be warm. Paula Abdul would be missing a hit “Cold Hearted Snake.” And kids wouldn’t fall through a half frozen lake. Never again would a Wendy’s frosty touch your lips, or a 7-11 Slurpee tingle your tongue.

The cliché a cold day in hell would become obsolete. The cryogenic chamber scene in Austin Powers would be edited out of the film. Erased from existence…much like Marty might have been. “What is it hot?“ no cold…damn cold. Not anymore. Leftovers such as Meatloaf would spoil, even if it’s in a deep freeze and riding a motorcycle. You’d now have more of a reason to cover up the fact that Snow Job was your favorite G.I Joe character. Al Snow..well…you can call him “Al”…you must. Skiing and snowboarding would be pretty asinine. The popular pastime of Snowballing…well that would still happen since temperature isn’t really involved. But I would imagine it’s fairly warm.

Tone Loc still can’t remember how her made his medina cold. Wanna kill someone? Damn sure it won’t be in cold blood. Everyone would want to perform in front of large crowds cause they’ll never get cold feet. The band Hot Hot Heat record an updated version of the national anthem. The people of Alaska and and the Arctic polar bears would have year long yub-yub type celebrations. This just in: Steve Austin brings back “Stunning” moniker. Bruce Springsteen will get hit with a 10th avenue melt out. Oh, and about that new horror film that came out this week…if it was a few years ago…critics would’ve hailed it as “Chilling.” You’d always be able to find shit that people have hidden on you. Guess where your birthday gift is? You’re warm…you’re geting hot…you’re burning up…you’re on frickin’ fire! Wow, this is easy! Maybe sitting in this 83 degree condo isn’t so bad after all.

Stone Temple Pilots at the PNC Bank Arts Center Review 5/31/08

Posted on June 1, 2008 by sexyarmpit

With all his Jagger-esque strutting, and hair streaked glowing pink, you would never have guessed that Scott Weiland was a high school football player. On the other hand, when you hear him slur incoherent song introductions it’s easy to guess that this man has had and possibly still has a drug problem. Fresh off his ousting as lead singer of Velvet Revolver, Scott Weiland joined his former band mates for a Stone Temple Pilots reunion tour. Tonight, their show stopped here in Holmdel N.J at the PNC Bank Arts Center, a dreaded venue for us locals. Parking is free, although you need to hop on a school bus that takes you all the way up the hill and through the woods to the venue. Want to take a leak? Good luck. Should’ve pissed in the woods while you were tailgating! There’s 2 sets of bathrooms and a couple of porto-johns, and each of the lines are a quarter of a mile long.

Managing to look past all the negatives about the amphitheater, it was sort of a homecoming for brothers Dean DeLeo (guitarist) and Robert DeLeo (bassist) who hail from N.J (Glen Ridge to be exact, which is still about an hour north of the PNC Bank Arts Center.) The crowd was getting anxious after the band took an hour and a half to come on stage and start their set. Trust me, you get a little stir crazy when the only entertainment you have is watching people’s inane text messages scroll across the screens. (“I brought my bong in and didn’t get caught,” “Does anyone have papers?” “Scream if you want Metallica to tour the United States,” “There is water at the bottom of the ocean,” it seemed that one person texted the entire Talking Heads Once in a Lifetime song, “Splitcase,” a band reviewed here at the Sexy Armpit and last but not least “The Sexy Armpit loves you” of course I have no idea who sent that one in…)

The concert seemed to build up steam the longer it went on. I can’t understand why they opened this show with “Big Empty.” It’s one of my favorite tracks, but it’s fairly mellow and not a good way to kick off a show. Maybe it was their plan to start off slow and ease into it. Come to think of it, that’s not a bad idea…I’ll keep that in mind. The band sounded great, albeit a little sluggish perhaps. Ever since their appearance on Jimmy Kimmel it seemed they were playing some of the tracks a bit slower. It’s possible they’re doing it to accommodate Weiland if his singing hasn’t been up to snuff.

Long time fans of STP would not be disappointed with their song choice. They performed all of their hits and a handful of lesser heard tracks. The set list is ever changing since their website is letting fans vote for songs they would like to hear at the specific show they’re attending. We got to hear it all from “Down,” to “Trippin’ on a Hole in a Paper Heart.” I would’ve liked to have heard some of my favorites like “Hollywood Bitch,” and “Silvergun Superman,” but no such luck. Highlights for me included their classic songs like “Vasoline” and “Creep.” Not just because it’s a huge song of theirs but I think “Plush” sounded the tightest and most crisp out of all the songs performed. It was played in the middle of the setlist so it really seemed like the pinnacle of the show. I enjoyed the DeLeo brothers cover of the O’Jays “For the Love of Money.” but only wished Scott would’ve jumped in and started singing. It’s the type of song you wouldn’t expect them to play and that’s exactly why I dug it. All the shows on the tour have been wrapping with “Dead and Bloated.” Another odd choice for their only encore and last song.

Weiland is a dynamic front man but I must say, he seemed way more amped up when he was onstage with Velvet Revolver. He seemed like he was having a blast with Slash and all the rock riffs. Maybe it was the drugs? Now during this STP reunion he’s in some kind of a funk. Aside from a few steps of his Jagger dancing he seemed like he was on ambien.

There’s no question that STP made a big impact on rock music. They’ll always own their chunk of rock history but the amplifications of their reunion haven’t reached the magnitude I thought they might have. There’s a lot of fans out there, myself included, who are still pissed off about Weiland leaving Velvet Revolver. I don’t have much doubt that VR will continue on successfully but will STP? They’re working on a new CD, but shouldn’t they have released a new single to coincide with their reunion tour?

Super Hero Dance Sequences

Posted on May 30, 2008 by sexyarmpit

OK, so this article is a bit BAT-HEAVY but these entries deserve to be on the list! Feel free to leave a comment with any ones I forgot! I know there’s many others, but here’s the most notable ones…

Spider Man 3 – Upon its release I remember there being quite an uproar that Sam Raimi decided to feature a dance sequence in a Super Hero movie. I’ll sling myself out on a web here and risk my reputation by saying that I actually enjoyed this part of the film. You have to remember that Peter was still in the black suit and it was doing weird primal stuff to his psyche. So naturally, the way that it manifested itself was by jazz dancing with a hot blonde. Who better to piss off your ex-girlfriend with than Gwen Stacy! While jazz dancing! C’mon, lighten up…it was fun.

Smallville actually seemed to have “bit” off Spider Man 3 or “taken the lead” from it so to speak. In season 7, Chloe, one of the best characters in the show, goes and hangs out at a club and heats things up with Jimmy Olsen on the dance floor.
Mystery Men – Perhaps it’s not a classic superhero movie but it was hard to resist. In yet another brilliant role, Geoffrey Rush plays criminal mastermind Casanova Frankenstein. We hear the Bee Gee’s Night Fever, and see the gigundo disco ball hanging from the ceiling while Casanova takes it all in: “Ah The old disco room, just as I left it…” His cohort Tony, played by Eddie Izzard, prances around disco dancing and doing the macarena. He later proclaims “Disco is NOT Dead!”
Plastic Man Cartoon – I don’t know if you’re on board but I had really fond memories of watching Plas as a kid. It was such a fun show! Plas was accompanied by his cute blonde girlfriend Penny, his Hawaiian best bud Hula Hula, and Baby Plas. Here‘s part of the intro of the show where Plas boogies down: “…he can spring…he can stretch..he can fly…he can bounce…he can change his shape…and he can even dance!” Plastic Man doesn’t get enough accolades. He’s one of the better comical super heroes and that combo usually doesn’t work well but it does for him! I always thought Jim Carrey would be an awesome choice to play Plastic Man in a movie.
Batman Returns – Michael Keaton and the super smoking hot Michelle Pfieffer slow dance to Siouxsie and the Banshees’ haunting Face to Face while having the type of conversation I’ve only dreamed of having with Catwoman. “Mistletoe could be deadly if you eat it…A kiss could be even deadlier.”

Batman 1996 TV episode Hi Diddle Riddle – Rules went out the window for Batman in the ’60s. Batman was not only getting a little wacky in the comic books but also on prime time TV. Adam West’s brilliantly dry portrayal of Batman gets alot of flack and it may mostly be due to the fact that he wasn’t afraid to dance the “Batusi.”

Return to the Batcave – Adam West and Julie Newmar get together for old time sake in this made for TV reunion to dance one last Batusi.

Author: sexyarmpit