The Subpar Seaport Aquarium in Wildwood, NJ

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Seaport Aquarium, Wildwood NJ

Last time I visited the Wildwood Boardwalk I had no interest in going inside the Seaport Aquarium, but I did feel compelled to snap some photos of the Shark hanging out underneath their sign. Various reviews from around the net claim that the Seaport Aquarium on the Wildwood Boardwalk is the biggest scam going.

Lori D. from Blackwood, NJ reported that they have a Piranha tank where you could purchase a goldfish for $3.99 and watch it get eaten by the little spiky toothed punk. She went on to say that there are 2 nurse sharks that you can touch, but they are too big for their small tanks. Other reviews claimed that the aquarium looked more like a pet store, their reptiles were sick, and there was a lack of animal supervision on the part of the staff. Next time you take the gang to the boardwalk you may want to say no to your kid who is pulling your arm out of your socket in hopes of going in there. Click here to read the other reviews at Insider Pages and this one from Yelp.

I think Aquarium W. from Manchester Township NJ sums it up real nice for us all: “Holy Balls This Place Sucked.” Cool sign though…

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NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 59: Sharks Rugby

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Here’s a tee of the rugby team that was originally called The New Jersey Sharks, but is now known as the Bucks County Sharks. They moved to P.A and they made New Jersey short one rugby team. “What’s one less rugby team?” I always say. But meanwhile, in another part of the Garden State, there was another rugby team also called The Sharks, but these were The Jersey Shore Sharks! These guys were around longer than the other Sharks, and no, they don’t replace the Gatorade with Ron Ron Juice. So, in the end, New Jersey remains successful in filling it’s quota of having at least ONE rugby team named after Sharks!
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If you read the history section of The Jersey Shore Sharks website, you’ll see that they are living up to the Jersey reputation. You’ll read more about drinking shots, starting fights, naked bodies, and wet t-shirt contests than you will about their games. That’s the way it should be, because I’m sure getting involved in rugby is all about the after parties and the travel games anyway.

Martha Stewart is July’s Garden State Playmate

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It was bound to happen. Many of you Sexy Armpit readers knew it was inevitable. It’s finally time to give Nutley, New Jersey’s Martha Stewart the nod. And I say, why the hell not? There’s always room for GILFS on the illustrious list of Garden State Playmates.

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Martha Stewart may have eclipsed Betty Crocker in popular culture. How often is someone you know cooking, or whipping something creative up in the kitchen and you comment “Wow, you’re a real Martha Stewart!” It’s pretty amazing when you realize she was born in Jersey City, NJ. and graduated Nutley High School.

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After a stint modeling and graduating with a double major in history and architectural history, it wasn’t until several years later that Stewart became the crafting, cooking, restoring, and media mogul who we love and/or hate today. Either way, I’m sure you’ll have no problems scarfing down that gourmet meal she makes for you after she shows you several thousand ways of playing hide the sausage.
OK, OK, you got me. Here’s the real reason why Martha Stewart whisked her way into becoming a GSP:

Martha Stewart
SHE MAKES SHARK CUPCAKES! 

Visit this link to Martha Stewart’s website to learn how she made these cool looking Shark and Beach Cupcakes! A perfect way to celebrate Shark Month!

Underwater Shark Tunnels: Will We Ever Learn?

It’s one thing to watch sharks swim around gracefully from afar in a tank, but it’s a totally different story to be almost completely surrounded by them as they fantasize about what’s for lunch. In the name of attracting more people, several aquariums around the country feature walk through shark tunnels. Have we not learned anything from that enthralling cinematic achievement, Jaws 3-D?

As if the 3-D revival craze in the early ’80s wasn’t horrifying enough, JAWS 3-D plainly warned us NEVER to go into any tunnel that looks like THIS:

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It may sound like fun when you’re sitting in front of a movie screen watching Jaws with 3-D glasses on, but when you are actually in the real thing, it’s a very different experience. For those of you who enjoy risking life and limb, The Shark Realm at The Adventure Aquarium in Camden, NJ has a 40 foot, 550,000 gallon shark tunnel that will have you literally handing over your body parts in exchange for the shark’s mercy on your soul.
Something tells me that, eventually, sharks will be the answer to the population problem in the U.S. Anytime one of those ferocious bastards wants to crash through the glass and dine on some dirty Jersey flesh, carnage and utter mayhem could be mere moments away. If you haven’t experienced Dennis Quaid’s tour de force in JAWS 3-D, you better log on to Netflix or order it on Amazon before you head out to your local Aquarium, and because you are missing out on a total shlockfest.

*Read more about Dennis Quaid’s Deep Dark Shark Secret

The Adventure Aquarium also has the option to Swim with the Sharks. You won’t catch The Sexy Armpit doing that anytime soon, but the dude from TLC’s CAKE BOSS had the guts:

Mallrats Wedding Proposal

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Mallrats (1995)

It’s not blasphemous that I like Mallrats more than Clerks. I draw a lot of heat for that amongst friends and Kevin Smith fans. Ever since I first saw Mallrats at the local theater I connected with it more than Clerks. Possibly because it’s a bigger, more comical film and it featured many elements that had already become Smith’s calling card. Most of all, it hits home because we have so many malls in New Jersey and when you’re young and a comic book reading movie geek who’s done reading that week’s comics and brought all his videos back, there’s not much to do besides go and walk around the mall. Personally, I grew up sandwiched in between 2 of the most notorious “monuments to consumerism” as Brodie (Jason Lee) refers to them.

In the scene pictured above, TS relays to his comic hoarding friend Brodie that if his trip to Florida with his girlfriend Brandi didn’t get squashed, he was planning on proposing to her.

TS: “I was gonna propose to her.”
BRODIE: “Where?”
TS: “On the Universal tour.”
BRODIE: “You’re kidding, what part?”
TS: “When Jaws pops out of the water”
BRODIE: “That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard”
TS: “Yeah, well too bad I’m not trying to marry you.”

I wonder how many people actually proposed on the Jaws ride in honor of that quote? I wouldn’t be surprised if tons of lightbulbs simultaneously went off in many hardcore Kevin Smith fans’ heads when they heard that one, as they turned and gazed diabolically at their significant others. To take it to the next level, I bet there are even fans out there who got engaged as they visited the Easter Bunny at the Menlo Park Mall, ya know, cause the US1 Flea Market closed ages ago.

Anyone have a good proposal story inspired by a Kevin Smith film? Ha! Hey, it doesn’t hurt to ask!

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 58: South Jersey Shark Tournament

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South Jersey Shark Tournament Tee available at The South Jersey Marina Web Store

Each year, one of the biggest shark fishing tournaments takes place in the waters near Cape May NJ. In the past few years, winners of the tournament took home prize money in the $300,000 dollar range! Enter next year if you dare, but you have to have a boat, oh…and $525 bucks in registration fees. Instead, why not skip all of the nonsense and frustration of fishing for sharks and just wear the t-shirt commemorating the event like the guy in the picture probably did.

I would have never known there was a shark fishing tournament down in Cape May if I didn’t see this dude walking around a store in Menlo Park Mall. I should have known though, since 2010 marked their 30th tournament! The t-shirt has a badass pirate vibe with two sharks replacing crossbones to form a Jolly Roger, as well as the quote at the bottom: “Ya Gotta Earn Your Bones.” Their official website is www.southjerseytournaments.com.

12 Days of Terror (2004)

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12 Days of Terror can never share the same ocean water as Jaws, but let’s face it, no other films in the genre really can. Directed by Jack Sholder (responsible for some of my horror favorites like Nightmare on Elm Street 2 and Wishmaster 2), 12 Days of Terror, was adapted from a book by Richard Fernicola and chronicles the string of shark attacks that occurred along the Jersey Shore in the summer of 1916. It has been said that these attacks inspired author Peter Benchley to write Jaws. Although they share a similar story, 12 Days of Terror is on a lower scale (“docudrama” on Discovery Channel) and isn’t as thrilling as Jaws, but still provides an entertaining and realistic account of the Jersey shark attacks.

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Rather than center the film around the chief of police, 12 days of Terror focuses on Alex (Colin Egglesfield), a lifeguard at the Jersey Shore. The upcoming summer was to be one of the hottest yet and tons of people were already flocking to the beach and the team of lifeguards had their work cut out for them. After Alex witnesses the first kill and helps pull the victim out of the water, his instincts told him that it was obviously a shark attack. Much like Brody in Jaws, Alex encounters opposition from town officials because they do not want to close the beach. Naturally, they pass it off as an “air torpedo” from the war, or some “freak occurence” and continue with business as usual as not to lose revenue. There were actually some precautions taken, such as having steel fences installed in the ocean in Asbury Park and other shore towns as well as an investigation into shark behavior by The Museum of Natural History in New York City, which was ordered by the U.S government and the State of N.J.

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Claiming 4 lives and badly injuring a young boy, The Jersey Shore attacks were indeed horrible, but they did provide the world with invaluable information on sharks. Up until that point, the nature of the attacks didn’t jive with the existing information available on sharks. It was always thought that a killer shark would never swim near the shore, nor would a shark attack a swimmer. With that school of thought, the beach seemed like the safest place in the world.

Obviously 1916 was a very different time, and the U.S was involved in World War 1. For people who lived close to the Jersey Shore, bathing in the cool ocean was a revitalizing escape from the stress of life, much like a day at the spa is to us now. The film captures the feeling of the novelty in enjoying a day at the beach that will never be replicated. It was the ultimate refreshing getaway. Now that we are bombarded by commercials for online travel agents, and families take numerous exotic vacations per year, to those who live in Jersey, a day at the Shore is totally commonplace. The film brings us back to that simplicity, only to set the stage for the horrific attacks.

12 Days wastes no time, there’s a kill early on in the film. The gore is not excessive but what is shown is very realistic looking, especially when the first victim’s face turns blueish gray from losing so much blood. Later, we see the shark chow down on a lifeguard’s legs, yet there’s still nothing quite as vivid as the scene where Quint gets eaten by Jaws, but the film does offer some thrilling imagery, just in a more subtle way.

The effects in the film weren’t fantastic, but I’m sure the filmmakers did the best they could with the budget they were working with. Close up shots of the shark looked realistic and way superior than those in shark films you might see on say SyFy Channel. If you are the type that always nitpicks films frame by frame, it’s easy to set aside 12 Days’ faults since the shark attacks do not bolster the film the way you might think. The film shows how these attacks effected the landscape at the time and how it made the world rethink it’s previous assumptions about sharks.

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“Are you aware of the fact they’ve had shark attacks here?”

12 Days isn’t all carnage, it also weaves in some dramatic moments as well. There’s a subplot involving Alex’s brother Stanley and his relationship with Alice, the girl who Alex has a thing for too. The Captain (John Rhys Davies) is a ruff, weathered fisherman, in the vein of Quint, who takes Alex on his boat, The Jersey Rose, to seek out the killer shark.

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For a fairly accurate account of the Jersey Shore attacks, 12 Days of Terror is the best film available. There are some documentaries that have been released, but this is an easy watch. I can’t say that it’s exploding with personality or incredibly memorable, but that is mostly because shark films that came after Jaws in 1975 have suffered. And as unfair as it may seem that the blockbuster Jaws was inspired by a summer at the Jersey Shore, it’s true, so when you watch 12 Days of Terror, no matter how hard it is, try your best to momentarily forget that you ever saw Jaws.

*On the DVD bonus features there is a summary of the theory that a Bull Shark, not a Great White, was actually the culprit of at least one or two of the attacks in 1916, because of their ability to live in fresh water.

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Get Tanked This Weekend…SHARK Tanked!

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Selected from the Drink Menu
If you’re in Atlantic City and you are looking for a place to eat but you aren’t interested in paying $50 dollars a plate, head over to The Reflections Cafe at Harrah’s. It’s a pretty swank moderately priced restaurant that also features a noodle bar that serves all kinds of Asian dishes. The decor amused me, especially the cool and furry cow skin chairs and booths tucked into coves with slate walls . Whoever decorated the place needs to come and redo my condo. Out of the several times I have eaten there, the food has been delicious. They also managed to supply me with an entry for Shark Month. The drink menu has the Shark Bite which you can try mixing up at home when you’re getting hammered this weekend. The drink provides a cool visual effect of “blood in the water” when you drop in the final ingredient.
Shark Bite
Captain Morgan 
Bacardi Rum
Blue Curacao
Sweet and Sour Mix
Small Splash of Grenadine