The Most Embarrassing Songs on My iPod

Posted on by sexyarmpit

Everyone’s bound to experience one of those “uh-oh” moments if an embarrassing song starts playing on your iPod. Picture it, you’re rolling down the main street of your town, windows down, iPod on shuffle mode, and you have your friends in the car. Right after rocking out to “Welcome to the Jungle,” you hear the beginning chords of “Sexy Boy” the Shawn Michaels’ theme song or the Native American war chant that kicks off Tatanka’s theme song. Some of you may not even realize that they’re both WWE theme songs and in that case you may sidestep some shame. Although, you have to admit that at least a little part of you would squirm in your seat a bit.

How about when your iPod segues from Rob Zombie’s “Superbeast” right into “How Will I Know” by Whitney Houston? It’s totally cool to have Whitney on your iPod, especially if its one of her big hits, but when you’re in the car with a bunch of guy friends, and at the very least trying to act cool, your attempts are murdered by the sweet sound of synthesizers. You can win people over with goofy favorites like Wham’s “Wake Me Up Before you Go-Go,” but if their song “Freedom” comes on then your stock descends faster than the Delorean running low on plutonium. (pre-Mr. Fusion of course)

Having your friends ask you to unlock their car doors so they could tumble out while you’re still driving is a possibility if they hear you have the Baywatch theme song on your iPod. Whereas “Break the Ice” by John Farnham from the Rad soundtrack will actually give you street cred with those “in the know.” It’s possible to save yourself when a song comes on that the person doesn’t know but you’ll have to have a good enough story and reason for giving it the push to your almighty iPod. Here’s some examples: You can be forgiven for having Winger’s “Seventeen,” since it’s fun and nostalgic, but once you start digging into their catalog and “Out for the Count” from Karate Kid 3 comes on, then there’s not much that can save you at that point. Don’t let me forget “California” by Phantom Planet. It’s not really the song’s fault as much as it’s what I do when I’m listening to it. I reminisce about scenes from the O.C in a blurry, dramatic, tear-laden montage in my mind. I’ll dig deeper for you as I present a compendium of some of the most embarrassing songs on my iPod:

The Oompa Loopa Song from Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory
WWE Songs – The Boogeyman theme “Im the Boogeyman and I’m coming to get you!” and
Land of a Thousand Dances
Play That Funky Music by Vanilla Ice – Shit, how is it that you’re the life of the party if you play “Ninja Rap,” but you may as well crawl into a kitchen cabinet if “Roll ‘em Up” comes on.
Skeet Surfin’ by Nick Rivers/Val Kilmer – Top Secret Soundtrack
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Theme Song – Even though they’re the world’s most fearsome fighting team, you’re friend’s cut you no slack. Just hearing this theme emerge from a segue will always illicit some sort of heckle, so you’re lucky if you’re in the car with a fellow fan boy. That date of yours sure won’t be impressed that you’d rather listen to theme songs of old cartoons rather than Ne-Yo or Rhianna.
Other TV Theme Songs – Muppet Show, Charles in Charge, Mr. Belvedere, Perfect Strangers, Pee wee’s Playhouse Theme by Ellen Shaw (Cyndi Lauper). An interesting fact is that the Saved by the Bell theme song is always an overwhelming cross gender favorite.
King Tut – Steve Martin It’s a very funny song, but trying to hustle it to someone who’s never heard it proves challenging.
I’m Breathless songs inspired by the film Dick Tracy by Madonna Depending on your company in the car this album was obviously more embarrassing than Swept Away and Shangai Surprise combined.
Video Game Theme Songs – The magical songs from Alex Kidd in Miracle World make you come off like a real geek but you can get away with songs from Out Run because they sound like some underground new wave revival band from NYC. You can’t go wrong with the Super Mario brothers theme.
I Wanna Have Some Fun – Samantha Fox
Da Ya Think I’m Sexy? by Rod Stewart – I don’t care, I still love it.
Hot Rod Hearts – Robbie Dupree
Give it To Me Baby – Rick James
Party All the Time by Eddie Murphy and Rick James
Bruce by Rick Springfield here Rick talks about how he gets mistaken for “The Boss.”
Dancing In Heaven (Orbital Be-bop) by Q-Feel, Girls Just Want to Have Fun soundtrack
Sexyback – Poison rips off Justin Timberlake
Get this Party Started by Pink This is on the list just for being too girly.
Glory of Love – Peter Cetera from the Karate Kid part 2 soundtrack
Christmas songs up the wazoo – Merry Christmas Baby by my fav. Pepe the Prawn and R2D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas! with vocals by Jon Bon Jovi! Girls definitely take heed when they are informed that Jon Bon Jovi appears on the song.
Paula Abdul Songs – Straight up, Cold Hearted Snake. Remember the video for Cold Hearted Snake that was freakin’ hot at the time
Stars are Blind by Paris Hilton
Physical by Olivia Newton John (It fulfills my ’80s aerobic girl fetish)
Step by Step by New Kids on the Block
Call Me Back by Mike Flowers Pops
Notorious by Loverboy
Take It Higher by Larry Greene, Over the Top Soundtrack
Playing with the Boys by Kenny Loggins, Top Gun Soundtrack. Apparently the scene that it plays in is called “homoerotic.” Strange…I didn’t realize a bunch of sweaty, shirtless guys in cut off jean shorts playing volleyball was at all gay.
Ewok Celebration/Finale by John Williams Affectionately known as the “Yub, Yub Song.” You’re pretty much slayed like a Rancor Monster if you get caught with this one playing.
We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off by Jermaine Stewart
Flashdance…what a Feeling by Irene Cara
Howard the Duck performed by Lea Thompson and Holly Robinson Peete
Songs from The Grease 2 Soundtrack – Score Tonight, Who’s that Guy? among others.
Rock and Roll Part 2 by Gary Glitter. A top contender for most embarrassing track on my iPod since Glitter is a convicted pedophile. I hope I’m not denied entry into the plane to Vegas because I have this!
Anything by Franz Ferdinand
Who’s Johnny – El Debarge
Kookie by Ed Byrnes
The Last Dragon by Dwight David, The Last Dragon Soundtrack
Smooth Up in Ya – Bulletboys
Porno Star by Buckcherry Ok this one is literally embarrassing. Imagine if your parents are in the car and the lyrics “don’t you know we fuck for money, I’m a big dick motherfucking porno star” blast through the speakers?
About Us by Brooke Hogan
I’ve Had the Time of My Life by Bill Medley/Jennifer Warnes, Dirty Dancing Soundtrack
Copa Cabana by Barry Manilow
Solid as Rock by Ashford and Simpson
Soldier of Love by Donny Osmond

I want to know…what are some of the most embarrassing tracks on your iPod?

www.SexyArmpit.com

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 4: WWF’s Land of a Thousand Dances

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Sometimes I sit and wonder why I feel like I haven’t reached my full potential in life. Moments later it occurs to me that I could recite all the banter from “The Wrestling Album.”

Back when WWE was called The World Wrestling Federation, 1985 to be exact, not only was I pretending to dodge bullets from the Libyans’ van, but I was also playing the shit out of this album cut by all the WWF wrestlers. In between songs, Vince McMahon, Mean Gene, and Jesse “The Body” Ventura provided color commentary which made the album quite original. I used to pose in the mirror to “Real American” ( Hulkster’s theme but originally for the U.S Express’ Mike Rotundo and Barry Windham) dance around like a maniac to JYD’s “Grab Them Cakes,” and pretend I knew how to line dance when “Don’t Go Messin’ with a Country Boy” by Hillbilly Jim kicked in. And sure, I’ll admit that I used to listen to Jimmy Hart’s “Eat Your Heart Out Rick Springfield,” and Rowdy Roddy Piper’s catchy tune “For Everybody” incessantly.

So what, maybe I have a few of these songs on my iPod. I’m sure you have some incriminating shit on yours too. Some TMNT “Pizza Power” anyone? I’ll forgive that because at least mutated super hero turtles were involved. But Ini Kamoze’s Hotstepper and Right Said Fred? C’mon, it looks like you need some higher quality embarrassment so you better start downloading The Wrestling Album. You see, I don’t really care if someone’s in my car and my iPod starts to play the WWF wrestler’s version of Land of a Thousand Dances. You’d be surprised at what a blast it is. I used to stare at the album cover and pick out who was singing each line.

You’ll never see anything like this again. All the wrestlers were together, singing and clapping in tandem. It was like the WWF version of We Are the World only not for charity and the opposite of touching. So how does this tie in to New Jersey? Well, Piper goes off on The Goonies, The Iron Shiek spits, Bundy threatens to squash us with his Avalanche, and perhaps the greatest manager of all time Bobby “The Brain” Heenan brilliantly warns: “I’m gonna stretch ya from here to New Jersay!” (3:18) Look out for cameos by Meatloaf and Mona Flambe aka Cyndi Lauper! As Jesse “The Body” Ventura said: “I’m gonna crush ya and ill see you lata!”
www.SexyArmpit.com

Phucked Up iPhone Phlub

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I guess me and iPhone were not meant to be, at least for now.

On Friday I was feeling a little wacky, perhaps impulsive. I was overcome with an urge to get an iPhone. When the original iPhone came out I didn’t feel like being my usual pretentious “early adopter” self. I exhibited restraint, took a deep breath, and calmed my impatience. I told myself to wait it out, especially since the prices were extremely high. Another reason why I held off was because I had just taken advantage of my upgrade offer from AT&T and purchased the Samsung Blackjack. I wasn’t too fond of it, but to me it was the best of the worst. That Blackjack has since bit the dust and now resides in the great cell site in the sky. Actually, I jumped in the pool at Harrah’s Atlantic City, forgetting that I had it in my pocket! That really sucked. Considering I had to replace it for close to $300 bucks!
Traditionally, I hate all phones that are released from every company. Bitter is a nice way of describing my feelings toward all cell phones in existence so I was hoping that the iPhone would finally be the Christmas spirit to my Skeletor. I could list 500 reasons why all cell phones suck but that would get repetitive and just plain silly toward the end. The hope, the light at the end of the tunnel for me will be the iPhone. If not, I’ll be doomed to have shitty phones for the rest of my life and I’ll continue to hate on all cell phone manufacturers for distributing such crap.

Friday was going to be my day. I was pumped. I knew I wasn’t eligible for an upgrade until November 1st but after spending a lifetime on the phone with ATT customer service, I swindled an early upgrade. Once I got to the store they said “Sorry sir, your early upgrade doesn’t qualify for the iPhone.” Well gee I wish they would’ve freakin’ told me that while I was waiting on hold for an eternity to get a customer service rep to grant me an early upgrade. They basically cockblocked me. How does it make sense for AT&T NOT to sell me the iPhone? My upgrade date was modified so it was actually NOW and they wouldn’t sell me the iPhone!

Here’s how their stupidity breaks down: My plan right now is $39.99 and once all the taxes, and extra charges for text messaging factor in, my bill is about $60 – $65 dollars a month.
If I got the iPhone the plans for phone and text messaging and internet would run me at the very least $100 a month. That’s 40 extra dollars a month that I’d be giving to AT&T! $480 in a year is way more than I’d even spend on any phone. They were going to let me upgrade to a different phone which could’ve been as expensive as the iphone such as a Blackberry or another top of the line smartphone. Don’t you think that they should just sell me the iPhone at $200 instead of plain flat out letting me walk out of the store without shelling out any money?

They really wanted me to buy the iPhone at regular price which is still in my opinion too expensive. No, scratch that…the iPhone is probably worth spending all that money. But all the times I paid full price for shitty phones cancels out my desire for shelling out loads of cash for phones in the future. Let’s hope they don’t give me any shit in November when I’m “officially” eligible for an upgrade. If not, someone’s gonna get upgraded to a nice, sleek, punch in the face.
www.SexyArmpit.com

Most Romantic Moments Heard on my iPod

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For Valentines day I bring to you the most romantic moments heard on my iPod. These lyrics may as well be written on little candy hearts. Feel free to use these loving sentiments on your significant other. Love and hearts and stuff…

Turn around bitch I got a use for you
Besides you ain’t got nothin’ better to do
And I’m bored
Guns N Roses – It’s So Easy

I wont tell your mama if you dont tell your dad
I know he’ll be disgusted when he sees your pussy busted
Wont your mama be so mad if she knew I got that ass?
2 live crew – Me So Horny

I’m only seventeen, but I’ll show you love like you’ve never seen
She’s only seventeen, daddy says she’s too young, but she’s old enough for me
Winger – Seventeen

I’ve got two tickets to Iron Maiden baby
Come with me Friday – don’t say maybe
I’m just a teenage dirtbag baby like you
Wheatus – Teenage Dirtbag

Even Izzy, Slash and Axl Rose…When I call, you put ’em all on hold
Weezer – Suzanne

So I mixed up the batter, And she licked the beater
Warrant – Cherry Pie

I don’t really care about your sister
Fuck the little bitch ’cause I already kissed her
One thing that I did to your lady
I put her on the bed and she didn’t say maybe
Ugly Kid Joe – I Hate Everything About You

A couple of sips of this love potion and she’ll be on your lap
so I gave some to my dog, when he began to beg
and then he licked his bowl and he looked at me
and did the wild thing on my leg
Tone loc – Funky Cold Medina

I love ya baby but all I can think about is Kielbasa sausage,
your butt cheeks is warm, I check my dipstick, you need lubrication honey,
My kielbasa sausage has just got to perform.Now get it on!
Tenacious D – Kielbasa

So what if the sex was great, Just a temporary escape
Anorther thing I grew to hate, But now that’s over
SR71 – Right Now

I said, “You can’t have me, I’m too young for you bitch!”
She said, “No you’re not,” then she starts cryin
I says I’m nineteen, she says, “Stop lyin!”I says, “I am, go ask my mother
And with your wrinkled pussy, I can’t be your lover”
Slick Rick & Doug E. Fresh – La Di Da Di

The good book says we must suppress
The good book says we must confess
But who cares what the good book says
Cause now shes taking off her dress
Red Hot Chili Peppers – Catholic school girls rule

Shes a killer queen
Gunpowder, gelatine
Dynamite with a laser beam
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Anytime
Queen – Killer queen

I knew a girl named Nikki I guess u could say she was a sex fiend
I met her in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine
She said howd u like 2 waste some time
And I could not resist when I saw little Nikki grind
Prince – Darling Nikki

I think it’s special… what’s behind your back
So turn around and and I’ll pick up the slack
Justin Timberlake – SexyBack

I hate every bone in your body but mine
I can’t wait till I can hate you tonight
Poison – I Hate Every Bone in Your Body but Mine

Like gasoline you wanna pump me
And leave me when you get your fill
Poison – Unskinny Bop

I don’t have no problem with you fucking me
But I have a little problem wit you not fucking me
ODB – Got Your Money

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Jay’s Christmas Playlist 2007

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In 2005, I decided to print a list of random songs I loved from my iTunes Christmas playlist. Though for some reason, last Christmas I didn’t publish one. This year, I vow to go further into my vast iPod Christmas playlist. I realize that a ton of blogs actually feature their playlists with downloadable songs. Unfortunately, I won’t do that for 2 reasons: 1) I’d rather not get my ass sued 2) I’m not that technically savvy. Christmas music brings me back in time and I love adding new tunes all year long. I love when I tell a person about a Christmas song that they didn’t even know existed. So here’s just another peek into what I’m listening to this holiday season. The 2005 Playlist is linked HERE. If there’s any you’d like to add, feel free to leave a comment!

Christmastime is Here – Stone Temple Pilots

Oh Come All Ye Faithful – Twisted Sister

Happy Holidays – Andy Williams

Jingle Bell Rock .38 Special

Jingle Bell Rock – Tuff

Jingle Bell Rock – Nelson

Best Part of Christmas – American Angel

The Christmas Song – Johnny Mathis

12 Days of Christmas – Relient K

Christmas is the Time to say I love you – SR-71

Little Drummer Boy – Joan Jett and the Blackhearts

If it Doesn’t Snow For Christmas – Joe Pesci

Santa Claus is Coming to Town – Handsome Devil

Santa Claus is Coming to Town – Dokken!

Merry Frickin’ Christmas – Frickin’ A

White Christmas – The Drifters

I’ll Be Stone For Christmas – Bob Rivers

Merry Christmas Baby – Pepe, from the Muppets

My Girlfriend (Forgot Me This Christmas) – The Click Five

We Need a Little Christmas – The New Christy Minstrels

Do You Hear What I Hear? – Carrie Underwood

Merry Christmas Darling – The Carpenters

Last Christmas- Butch Walker

Please Come Home For Christmas – Bon Jovi

Christmas Celebration – Weezer

Ave Maria – Chris Cornell

Click HERE to read Jay’s 2005’s Christmas Playlist

www.SexyArmpit.com

Plans for ’07

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I don’t really have any mind blowing plans for ‘07. I’m not gonna be like all the trendy people and say “world domination” is on my list of things to do. I never aim that high.

I thought about writing some really off the wall stuff describing my plans for ’07 but in all honesty I never think of a new year as any different than a few days from now. Let’s be honest how much do things really change? We get older, more cranky. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna keep doing the same things I’ve been doing.

New Jersey will still be known as a shithole. I bet I’ll still watch lame Nicole Eggert movies, usually starring Corey Haim as well. Most likely Gwen Stefani will still be on my iPod. I’ll still be reading comics, eating eggplant parm., and being claustrophobic. WWE, 30 Rock, and Heroes will still be on the top of my list of shows to watch. The wait time for the next Batman movie will dwindle down to 1 year. As you can see, things won’t drastically change. I do wish for MTV to become as cool as they were when I was a kid, minus the reality crap.

Other than the previously stated items, I’ve been having quite a hard time pronouncing the word “brewery.” I don’t know that I have much of a necessity to say “brewery” all that often but I’ll need to get better at saying it anyway.

There’s also no doubt that I’ll keep berating all of you with my blog because I have such a good time doing it. Even if the new year doesn’t bring much change I’m still looking forward it. Happy New Year everyone!

www.SexyArmpit.com

A bird shit on my jalopy

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First- My word of the week: JALOPY

You know that some car company is gonna come out with one. Some sarcastic car company will
use it in their “too clever for words” advertising scheme. I could see a company using against another. Why go out and buy the ’06 Buick Jalopy when you can afford a trendy new Infinity XG88TK421 special edition model that starts only at around $147,000. Jalopy is a cool mf’n word.

What a resounding response frome the G-String Blog!
Not only were those responses plenty but great in substance. It makes a man proud! I’m realizing that many girls I’ve asked actually have them and wear them alot. I guess some of the girls that I have been in contact with just didn’t seem to wear them and many said they were uncomfortable/annoying. I still think it’s open to debate.

A week or two ago I was about to get my clothes on for work. I put my pants on and realized that the button above the zipper was gone. This is an instance where I was in a state of total disbelief. These few moments were full of worry, anger, and skepticism. It’s funny how for those few seconds my mind was saying “This can’t possibly happen.” I was focusing more on the fact that a button has never came off any pair of pants that I’ve owned EVER. So I figured the chances of this happening were slim. I was wrong. My mind was in shock as to why nature would do something this cruel to me as I was about to leave for work. I was unprepared for an event of such diabolical proportions. What if I didn’t have another pair of pants on hand? What if I had a pair and they weren’t cleaned? I’d be up the creek. I would need to go to the pants store. Honestly, how many times have you slipped into your old ratty jeans that you’ve had for a million years only to notice that the button was missing? That never happens. I have a better chance of being sprayed by a skunk while jogging in a lime green spandex jumpsuit and listening to “Escape (The Pina Colada Song)” by Rupert Holmes on my Ipod. That shit never comes up on shuffle mode.

—-I forgot to mention this. I figured I’d throw it in like a DVD special feature. Christmas morning I was getting gifts out of my car in my girlfriend’s driveway and after I pulled a bag out and a few packages I turned my head for a second and heard SPLAT! I looked back at my car and there was HUGE dumping of bird shit on my car window. I have never been so close to a bird shitting site ever. It always seems so distant. I was so close to being shit on by a bird. This bird must have been to China Buffet before he pinched that one out. My God. Thankfully it didn’t get on me or I would cry like a little girl and then throw myself in the creek and roll around until I drowned myself. That is another thing – how come almost everyone I know has been shit on by a bird? Guys and girls that I’ve spoken to claim that it’s happened to them. WTF? I’m not saying I want to join the bird shittees club or anything but I do feel that perhaps what they say is right. “IT’S GOOD LUCK.” How many times have I heard that? Is that just them rationalizing their horribly gross experience? Who knows. All I know is that I’m going to the bathroom to vomit right now. No no…I’ll hold it in and then when I see a bird outside I’ll blow my chunks all over it. How would they like it? Dumb birds.

www.SexyArmpit.com