Taryn Thomas is January’s Garden State Playmate!

taryn thomas,porn star,new jersey

Porn mirrors pop culture. Porn doesn’t just provide a diversion for legions of horny people, and dictates what home video format we’ll be purchasing for the next 10 years, but also grabs its influences from what’s hot on TV and in the movies. Joining the ranks of porn parodies like Casabangca, Edward Penishands, and Muffy the Vampire Layer, is Jersey Shore XXX starring Jersey born adult film actress Taryn Thomas.

Photobucket

Taryn Thomas, the dirtiest girl in porn, will be playing Snooki in the upcoming adult version of MTV’s New Jersey based reality show. Even though it may be a departure from her role in Evil Angels Vault of Whores and The Cream Team 2, Taryn’s bountiful skills will easily make any guy she’s in a scene with rise to the occasion.

Photobucket

Seeking to have more creative control over her projects, Taryn grabbed the shaft by the balls and started her own production company called Taryn It Up Entertainment. I admire her gusto and of course…her busto. Rimshot! In addition to her extensive work in the adult film industry, Taryn has studied cosmetology, has a pharmacy technician license, and even went to real estate school! That is what I call versatile. After she bangs you six ways from Sunday she’ll do your guyliner, prescribe you some allergy meds, and then bring you to a snazzy open house. What a girl!

taryn thomas,porn star,new jersey
After discussing her Jersey roots at the eXXXotica convention in Edison, NJ

If you’re like Paul Rudd’s character, David, in 40 Year Old Virgin, and you have a compilation like Boner Jamz ’03, adding Jersey Shore XXX to Boner Jamz 2010 is a must! Check out the trailer:

Photobucket

Ad Jerseum 1: Geico Gecko Inside Loews Jersey Theatre

Welcome to our new column, 
Ad Jerseum: So much Jersey advertising it’ll make you vomit!

A marketing company would be hard pressed to find a more lush and ornate theater to film a commercial in than the Landmark Loews Jersey Theatre. Opened in 1929, and noted for being “the most lavish temple of entertainment in New Jersey,” The Loews Theater in Journal Square, Jersey City has hosted classic movie premieres, marathons, live music, and has also added commercials to its repertoire.

Geico recognized the beauty of this legendary theater and filmed a couple of commercials at the Loews Jersey. The company’s knack for creating memorable and effective TV ads is well defined. Their bank account must be on par with Scrooge McDuck’s because according to Wikipedia, Geico spent around $750 million dollars on advertising in 2007. Part of Geico’s clever catalogue are two commercials, one featuring Charlie Daniels, and the other featuring our favorite British gecko, Martin.

Charlie Daniels should have performed “The Devil Goes Down to Jersey!”
Martin the Geico Gecko gives the hard sell in the lobby of the Loews Jersey Theatre:

There are so many awesome events coming to The Loews Jersey, especially on March 19th-21st, 2010, when the Saturday Nightmares Horror Convention will take place! Please visit the official Loews Jersey website for their full schedule of events and ticket info.

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 37: Cake Boss

Carlo's Bake Shop T-Shirt
Carlo’s Bake Shop T-Shirts available at www.carlosbakery.com

Are we so starved for entertainment in this country? I could see how we are lacking in good quality entertainment, especially on television, but I know damn well that we’re already filled up on cake and desserts. Of course, I don’t expect the majority of the country to be able to do 1,000 push ups in 23 minutes like Jack LaLane once did, but we really need to restrain the food reality show habit and shows like CAKE BOSS ain’t helpin’ one bit!

Photobucket

Filmed in Hoboken, NJ, TLC’s Cake Boss spotlights Buddy Valastro, the owner of Carlo’s Bake Shop who is obsessive about his work and eccentric enough to make people interested in watching him do it. It’s quite apparent that his crew of gourmet dessert chefs, many of which are his family members, are immensely gifted at what they do, and we get to see their final creations that prove it. My question is, do we really need another show about baking cakes? I thought the Ace of Cakes filled the quota. People love sugary, frosted goodness, yeah I get it. But what bugs me is that network and cable TV pay for shows like this rather than opt to create new original programming that isn’t reality based.

If I wanted to see reality I could hop on the NJ Turnpike a few exits and actually go to Carlo’s bakery, the shop where the show is filmed. I know the rest of the country doesn’t have that luxury, but is there that much of a demand for a show about making exquisite cakes? I’m not taking anything away from their prowess because it’s impressive to watch them create these ornate confections. I just can’t stop thinking that we will never stop seeing shows come along about ice sculptors, rubber band ball makers, food additive geniuses, and popsicle stick house architects. Is this niche type of programming here to stay, or is it a passing trend? I miss sitcoms that were imaginative and silly, I miss creepy shows like Unsolved Mysteries, I miss shlocky action shows, and I especially miss tawdry comedies about 2 girls living with a guy who pretends to be gay in front of his landlord. OK, so Jack Tripper happened to be a chef. That was the closest connection to a cooking show that my shows ever got. Well, unless you want to count the time Alf blew up the kitchen.

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 33: 500 Days of Summer

500 Days of Summer
You have your moments. Not many of them, but you do have them.” 
– Princess Leia, Empire Strikes Back (1980)

When watching a love story on DVD with your woman for the first time, you might compare it to other films you have seen, or she may compare it to a classic romance novel you read not too long ago. Although, if you are like me and you have nothing to compare it to, it’s easy to arrive at the closest thing in my brain. STAR WARS! After watching 500 Days of Summer, the first thing that popped into my head was Leia’s grudging compliment to Han after he blended the Falcon into hunks of space garbage in Empire Strikes Back. The aforementioned famous quote perfectly describes 500 Days of Summer. It won’t blow your mind, and despite the buzz, it will not win an Oscar. It does have a handful of amusing moments though, not 500 of them, but it does have them.

“This is a story of Boy Meets Girl…The boy, Tom Hanson of Margate, New Jersey, grew up believing that he’d never truly be happy until the day he met the one

500 Days of Summer
SUMMER: Well you’re a perfectly adequate greeting card writer.
TOM: Thank you, that was actually my nickname in college, they called me “perfectly adequate” Hansen.
SUMMER: They used to call me anal girl.
TOM: (spits out drink)
SUMMER: I was very neat…and organized…
500 Days of Summer

SUMMER: “I wanted to sing ‘Born to Run’ but they didn’t have it.
TOM: I love “Born to Run.”
SUMMER: Me too.
McKENZIE: Tom’s from New Jersey.
SUMMER: Really?
TOM: Yeah I grew up there, I lived there ’til I was 12.
SUMMER: I named my cat after Springsteen.
TOM: OK, what was his name?
SUMMER: “…Bruce…”
TOM: That makes sense.

500 Days of Summer

After they do the horizontal hustle, we hear Hall and Oates’ “You Make My Dreams Come True” kick in. It’s a beautiful sunny day and, Tom, still glowing from his prior accomplishment, checks his hair in a nearby car window. Who appears in his reflection on the glass? Well, it just happened to be the coolest scoundrel ever to come from Corellia, Han Solo himself! I guess when you finally spend the night with the girl you’re in love with, you’re riding so high that you kinda feel like Han Solo is winking back at you. What follows is pretty badass, if you can see how a grandiose, cheesy, ’80s advertisement style dance sequence, replete with random people joining in, hands flailing in the air, a visit from an animated bluerbird, and a marching band would be considered cool. This was the high point of the film for me.

500 Days of Summer

My only issue with 500 Days of Summer lies with the likeability of the characters. It’s not that we have a hard time liking them, it’s quite the opposite. Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays Tom Hansen, a charismatic underdog who becomes smitten with Summer Finn (Zooey Deschanel), a sort of enchanting, intangible brunette who ensnares Tom with her natural beauty. Until that point Tom must not have felt the chill of dating such a secluded girl who keeps her personal life and thoughts a mystery. Once you mess with a girl like that you don’t want any part of it again. Watching the emotional ups and downs of our main character falling for this distant girl who isn’t ready to fall in love is frustrating to watch at times. The story is more about how our past relationships shape who we become rather than formulating a typical saccharine Hollywood vehicle. The main theme of the movie is that certain relationships may not survive, but what we take away from them sometimes helps eventually lead us to that sappy kind of true love. Tom just had to pound out some duds before he got to his prize.

By the end of 500 Days, you may find your mind too crammed with frustration to even remember the warning. If you haven’t seen the film, I urge you to heed the tip given before the opening credits: “You should know up front, that this is NOT a love story.” The film does have plenty of scenes gleaming with gratification, but for those of you seeking a fun romcom with wacky hijinks, this shouldn’t be your first choice. 500 Days provides a more realistic look at unrequited love thanks to shining performances from its two talented stars.

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 32: The Secret of the Ooze

new jersey,bayonne

If you’re looking for toxic sludge in order to transform a wolf and a turtle into two monstrous mutants, then look no further than Bayonne, NJ! There’s plenty of ooze here thanks to the work of Techno Global Research Industries, or TGRI, a company who, for 15 years, has been dumping their noxious waste in Jersey no less. I guess they figured, “Why not dump it in Jersey? Oh sure, the state is filled with garbage anyway, so bury it over there!”

Photobucket
“…Reporting live from Bayonne, New Jersey, this is April O’Neil, Channel 3 News, back to you…”

This wasn’t just any ordinary waste, it was chemical ooze that could mutate anything into a jumbo version of itself. Unlike all the spam e-mails you get, this stuff could actually work miracles for a certain male appendage or even females with negative A cups. The only drawback is that after you lather up in it, you’d probably have to live the rest of your life ridiculously ripped and grow to 10 or 11 feet tall. If you’re cool with that and you have some sort of Guiness Book of World Records freak fetish, then by all means, go to Bayonne and find yourself some ooze! Just a warning though, you may have to dig through some of the alien carcasses that appeared in 2005’s War of the Worlds.

Photobucket

In an attempt to improve the company’s public image, TGRI tries to clean up much of the waste they have buried through the years of ecological incompetence. This ruise is not much different than some campaigns rolled out by many high profile companies in the last several years to “go green.” It’s common for companies to exploit the angle that they are being conscious of the environment to cover up a lot of their other shady operations. Just think, without this ooze, yeah maybe we wouldn’t have the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but more importantly, we wouldn’t have Tokka and Rahzar!

At one point, as he’s being in interviewed by April O’Neil, Professor Jordan Perry (David Warner) even claims the sludge was non toxic! Oh yeah…of course. It was as non toxic as Crayola crayons! I don’t think so! Can you ever trust the man known as the voice of Ra’s al Ghul? I think not Detective…

Photobucket
Mutated giant dandelions, now do you understand why we’re called The Garden State?
Photobucket

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 36: Bugs Bunny in Atlantic City

Bugs Bunny Atlantic City
WB Bugs Bunny Atlantic City T-Shirt courtesy of eBay member imasin1978
“Ehhh…what’s up slots? That’s probably what our favorite wabbit Bugs Bunny says when he’s gearing up to play in A.C. I wonder if he rubs his own foot before he hits the tables? On the front of today’s t-shirt, Bugs is all duked out in a tuxedo, but when he hightails it down the Garden State Parkway for a weekend filled with booze, hookers, and baccarat, I’m almost positive Bugs dresses like a total schlub as not to attract attention to himself. Remember, not only live action celebrities strive to conceal their identity in public, but you can bet your ass that anthropomorphic cartoon characters do as well.

You might think that Bugs would get mobbed when visiting a casino in Atlantic City, but actually it’s only the tourists that bother him. You see, Bugs is a Jersey boy. I know what you’re thinking right now. “Oh my Lord! Here he goes again, bragging about how everyone is connected to New Jersey!!!” It is true though, aside from the Easter Bunny, the hometown of the most famous bunny of pop culture is Perth Amboy, NJ! If you don’t believe me, start Googling!

Considering he’s a Jersey Bunny, Bugs is no stranger to the ins and outs of Atlantic City. Keeping with the anonymity thing, Bugs rolls down to A.C in his piece of shit 1996 Ford Aspire which he bought new when he received his huge windfall from signing on to star in Space Jam. It turned out to be quite a good investment since no one really ever thinks to look over at a Ford Aspire on the highway to see if an animated rabbit is driving it. The only downside is that it doesn’t drive too fast. While the Aspire plods down the GSP, adjacent in the EZ Pass Express lane, Road Runner meep meeps right passed him leaving Bugs in a cloud of dust digging for change to pay the toll.

Welcome to Atlantic City! Maybe the initials on this shirt should stand for “We’re Broke,” because that’s what many people are saying when they leave, much like this couple:

DAN: “Umm…honey?’
DAN’S WIFE: “Yes Dear?”
DAN: “I’m not sure how to tell you this, but I gambled away all of little Emma’s college money…but I bought this really cute Bugs Bunny shirt with my comp dollars! It’s a little big, but you can wear it to bed!”
DAN’S WIFE: “WHAT?!?! Are you f-cking kidding me?!?! Do I have to call Rocky and Mugsy to fix this? And what in the name of Speedy Gonzales made you think I’d want a freaking Bugs Bunny t-shirt? You know my favorite is Hippety Hopper you broke bastard!”

*If you did any Googling to see if there is any truth to Bugs hailing from Perth Amboy, I commend you. If you didn’t and you simply don’t believe me, then believe this: Bugs Bunny Land resided at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, NJ from 1988 to 2004. Presently, Six Flags Great Adventure features Bugs Bunny National Park in addition to a couple of rides in the Looney Tunes Seaport. So how do ya like them carrots?

Classic WWF/WWE Event Cards from New Jersey #5

WWF Summer Sizzler Tour

Have you ever seen an interrogation scene? You know that sort of scene where the hard edged, no nonsense detective won’t let up and shines that excessively bright dangling light down at the suspects face? Well, that would be the serious method of finding out whodunit. The other way to find the culprit would be to hire Leslie Nielsen, no, not Frank Drebin, but the actor who starred in Police Squad, and Naked Gun and about 200 other movies and TV shows. What kind of missing person would warrant a Vince McMahon making a phone call to Leslie Nielsen? The Undertaker, of course! (BTW, Nielsen is also available for finding lost astromech droids)

Back in 1994, one the WWF writers thought it would be cute to have various fans and celebrities claim that they spotted The Undertaker. Taker had been out since the Royal Rumble earlier that year when Yokozuna beat him at his own game, a casket match. After getting sealed into a double wide, double deep casket meant for the the 640 lb. Yokozuna, Taker soared up through the rafters to WWF heaven, or, vacation time as it’s commonly known to the nation’s work force. The Undertaker wound up facing The Undertaker at Summerslam 1994, and it wasn’t as bad as it sounds, and it’s nothing compared the shit the WWE regurgitates nowadays.

The Summer Sizzler Tour made a stop at the Meadowlands Arena on August 27, 1994, a couple of days before the biggest Pay Per View of the summer. Considering the climate in the wrestling world right now, it’s definitely interesting to look back on this card.

Bret “Hitman” Hart, who recently made a return to the WWE, tagged up with Razor Ramon, a.k.a Scott Hall, who is in TNA now, and in desperate need of some of that ICOPRO that they were always promoting back then, even on this list of matches! They took on the late Owen Hart and Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart, Bret’s former partner whose daughter Natalya presently manages the Hart Dynasty in WWE. You getting all this so far? This match was set to amp up the interest in the Bret/Owen feud and get the audience to buy the PPV. One of half of the main event at Summerslam 1994 was Bret facing his brother Owen in a steel cage. Hitman won the match and afterward he got beat up by Owen and Anvil.

I missed Two Dudes with Attitudes (Diesel (Kevin Nash) and Shawn Michaels) win the tag titles by one night. The night after this NJ house show they won the tag belts from The Headshrinkers and went into Summerslam with the gold.

Not much has changed in the WWF’s women’s division. It wasn’t as exciting as the Wendi Richter days after they brought it back in 1993. Around this time, WWF pushed the hell out of Alundra Blayze and they threw every female that was willing to compete at her. The freaky and formidable Japanese wrestler Bull Nakano challenged Blayze here. Apparently Nakano is a professional golfer now. It was just a natural progression I suppose.

There’s no question that the WWF pulls some atrocious crap out of their asses and this house show was no exception. Mabel aka Viscera teamed with Doink the Clown to take on Jeff Jarrett and the late great Jersey icon Bam Bam Bigelow. Talk about burying talent! Did they really have to embarrass Jarrett and Bigelow like this? I’ve been trying to erase the memory of Mabel’s purple and gold jumpsuit every since Men on a Mission first debuted in WWF.

As for the other garbage on this card, Bob Holly took on one half of the Quebecers, Pierre, who also wrestled as a pirate named Jean Pierre LaFitte. The only thing that could be said about this match is that The Bushwackers vs. The Heavenly Bodies was more entertaining. The opening match featured Adam Bomb vs. Kwang, the green mist spitting masked ninja or otherwise known as Savio Vega. I’ve said it plenty of times here on The Sexy Armpit, and that is that Adam Bomb was cool. I don’t care. He hailed from Three Mile Island!!! If only I had one of those little bomb squad football missiles he used to throw out to his Bomb Squad Members. That would’ve made The Summer Sizzler Tour a worthwhile outing.                      

Sprung Through Cages Out On Highway 9

Photobucket

Bruce Springsteen didn’t just pull a random New Jersey road out of the back pocket of his jeans to name drop in “Born to Run.” Much like the escalator in Kevin Smith’s Mallrats, Route 9 should be feared and respected. Not only is the road filled with potholes in many stretches of it’s Garden State sprawl, but it’s also known for it’s fast, furious, and f-cked up drivers. If you have the choice, you’re better off staying away and re-routing your GPS. And whatever you do, don’t walk on the side of the highway, or as Dr. Evazan said in the cantina scene in Star Wars… “You’ll be DEAD!” Or to one up myself…as Admiral Bruce Ackbarsteen said “It’s a DEATH TRAP!”

This article from Jackson NJ Online News featured a report on New Jersey’s Most Dangerous Roads for Pedestrians. If you live in Jersey, reading this information is vital to your survival! Route 9 comes in at number 2 on the list, but then again, Bruce Springsteen didn’t mention US-130 in one of his immortal songs now did he?