A Septic Spiel of Spooky Scares, Super Heroes, and Strange Stories from Miles Beneath the Crud of New Jersey!
Here’s quite possibly the most fun site that will make your work day go faster:
Thanks to MelodicRock.com for the heads up!
Let me tell you, there’s nothing like Diamond Dave serenading your office with customized replies to pertinent business oriented questions!
Yesterday, an envelope in my mailbox contained a letter from Dr. Pepper. It informed me that Dr. Pepper has kept their promise about issuing FREE Dr. Pepper for everyone if Guns N Roses released Chinese Democracy by the end of the year. After almost 15 years, Axl finally mustered up the courage to release his “meh” album last month. Instead of being gloriously serenaded by a masterful musical achievement, I’ve been inadvertantly bestowed a free delicious soft drink. Instead of suing Dr. Pepper, GNR should thank the Doc for smoothing over such an overhyped, letdown of a record. If you were one of the lucky folks who registered for the coupon at Dr. Pepper’s website in the short alloted timeframe, then you’re probably guzzling some DP right now! The letter is below and you’ll see a VOID watermark appeared upon scanning it:
This comment was posted after an interview with Axl Rose on BLABBERMOUTH:
COMMENT posted by : DeadSkin Mask12/12/2008 8:10:25 AM
CHINESE MEDIOCRITY STARTS NOW!!!!!Chinese Democracy is the musical equivalent of Waterworld & Godfather III.
Twisted Sister decked the halls of the Nokia Theater in Times Square REALLY HARD on December 5th, 2008 for their Christmas show and The Sexy Armpit was in attendance! If you’d like a visual aid, check out the video montage I edited up for you at the bottom of this post!
I was impressed with opening acts ZO2 and The Dirty Pearls, both from Brooklyn. I’ve seen ZO2 live before, and their afroed frontman Paulie Z has a dynamic voice and a likeable personality. Bassist David Z and Drummer Joey Cassata are abundantly talented and make the tunes sound rockin’, even though they’ve got a run of the mill ’70s retro rock vibe. Regardless, I found myself wanting to come home and download “Isolate” and “Ain’t it Beautiful.” Their TV show Z-Rock airs on the Independent Film Channel, and it’s also available on iTunes.
I’ve heard songs from The Dirty Pearls before but last night was the first time I saw them live. They’ve got plenty of hard rock swagger and sleaze but thankfully they don’t chince out on the great chorus’ and hooks. What’s with all the afros in rock music? Both of the aforementioned openers have bandmembers with afros. Didn’t we get the memo? The afro thing was over a few years ago!
Silly me for trying to resist getting into the Christmas spirit so soon. Thanks to my brand spankin’ new copy of We Wish You A Metal Xmas and a Headbanging New Year, the Christmas spirit was just jammed through my ear canals with devil horns.
Could it be possible? Does history really repeat itself? I never thought it could happen, but after the rollicking good time I had at ROCK OF AGES on Sunday October 26th at The New World Stages in New York City, I really think it does.
When I was a little kid, tearing through issues of Metal Edge and plastering my walls with posters of GNR, Skid Row, and Poison; I dreamed of the sinful aura of debauchery, sleaze, and mayhem that the L.A sunset strip rock scene evoked. Meanwhile, my sister, in her teens at that time, sang along to all the songs that old worn out VHS tape of Grease cranked out incessantly.
Even as a kid I knew better than to believe life actually resembled how it was depicted in Grease. Anyone who’s gone to high school knows, that compared to the film Grease, high school could be a nightmarish, bleak, and horrible place. To my surprise, I graduated high school without engaging in one group hand jive, without ever having been stranded at the drive in, and my old 4-cylinder ‘87 Chrysler LeBaron didn’t, by any means, drive like “Greased lightning.” Life’s never as “peachy keen” as it is in the movies or on stage for that matter. I never thought for a second that the explicit, raunchy rock scene that was my obsession would ever be “Grease-ified.” Grease was originally a stage musical and just as it pulled from late ‘50s high school nostalgia, Rock of Ages embodies the excess and broken dreams on the ‘80s Sunset Strip. I was petrified that the attempt of glamorizing my beloved hairband era would be catastrophic. Would the play condescend and poke fun at the age of lipstick, plastic, and paint? Could Grease’s cigarettes, cheerleaders, and black leather biker jackets be interchangeable with the ‘80s themes of drug abuse, aquanet, spandex? I would soon find out!
After I took my seat, I immediately basked in the authentic set design by Beowulf Boritt, who also worked on The Toxic Avenger Musical. The stage was created to look like the interior of the fictitious Bourbon Room, which is reminiscent of the Whiskey or the Rainbow in L.A. The walls of the theater were plastered with concert posters while billboards hung from high above. A Jack Daniels advertisement asks “I did what with my sister?” and another one points out, in case you haven’t heard, Arsenal’s new CD “I Want Your Cans” is in stores now.
Pink lights drenched the inside of the Bourbon room. Rock memorabilia adorned the walls. There was a Pink flying V, collages of rock stars, and framed pinups of Motley Crue, Guns and Roses, and Poison among others. The main focal point of the Bourbon Room was it’s small stage where a lot of bands began their rock dreams. (Stone Pony anyone?) Onstage there was a dingy bathroom that served as the butt of a few jokes, and center stage featured a revolving room that provided background for various scenes. Oh yeah, I know you’ll like this part…there was a stripper poll on each end of the stage. I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is YES! Did they get used? What kind of a question is that? A good question actually, because now’s a good time for me to mention that when I’m reincarnated in my next life, I’ve signed a definitive, definitely happening, contractually binding, legal document that professionally and law abidingly states that I will come back as one of the two brass stripper polls on the Rock of Ages stage. Triple Stamped. For the honor of Grayskull. And that’s the bottom line cause I just said so!
Right about now a message over the P.A system states there should be NO flash photography unless you’re willing to show your boobs! YEAH BABY! I won’t spoil too much for you, since the Rock of Ages marketing team utilized the “less is more” idea and it worked. All online and print ads tout the play’s great tunes. It seemed as if name dropping the bands was enough since the house was PACKED! The vague propaganda turned out to make the play an unexpected blast.
At the crux of the play there’s a love story between Drew (Constantine Maroulis) and Sherrie (Kelli Barrett). It’s the typical story of a couple of ‘80s L.A dream chasers who fall for each other. Boy works at a bar and hopes to make it big as a rock star. When boy gets noticed by a talent manager, he suggests that boy change his whole look and go on a “mall tour.” Girl dreams of being an actress but plans fizzle out and works as a waitress, then climbs ranks to become a stripper. Even though the story is simple and reminiscent of others you may have heard before, I dig the message of the play. Even if you don’t get exactly what you want on your quest, it doesn’t mean your dreams are necessarily broken, you may just find that you have better dreams.
When we’re off cloud 9 with the two lovebirds, the city government is attempting to clean up the Sunset Strip and make it more family friendly. One of the establishments that would be effected is the Bourbon Room, so it’s manager Dennis, (the skilled Adam Dannheisser) does his best to stop this insanity. Like the good natured hippie he is, he doesn’t want his bar to close or his staff to be out of jobs. Dennis comes up with the idea to call in a favor from Stacee Jaxx, a Steel Pantheresque lead singer of a wildly popular band called Arsenal. (CD just dropped) I laughed deliriously at Will Swenson’s flashy performance which reminds us of how pompous, arrogant, and egotistical many of the great ’80s hair band frontmen were. Other superior performances include the refreshing Kelli Barrett as Sherrie, the over the top hysterical Mitchell Jarvis as Lonny the narrator, and Wesley Taylor as the gay German (ok so he’s not gay just German.)
The ensemble cast featured some hot dancers who weren’t afraid to show some butt cheeks and rock skimpy lingerie. Don’t be a prude, that’s how it was in the ‘80s! The ‘80s hair band era was instrumental in providing me with a template of the ideal woman. White leather jacket, short skirt, crimped hair, high heel boots, and stockings, don’t you remember? Duh. Rock of Ages featured an immensely talented actress, dancer, and singer Angel Reed. I definitely had a crush on her like a little kid watching Dial MTV during the hair band days and seeing that girl with the white leather jacket on. Or maybe it was Club MTV, it escapes me. Either way, she was hot, and she has her own exotic dance DVD that all you women should pick up and let her teach you how to dance for your man. While you’re at it check out all of Angel’s other projects like her music and modeling gallery! You really need to experience Rock of Ages just to watch some of Angel’s moves with the aforementioned poll that I will become in my next life. Yay! I never thought I’d say it, but I can’t wait to die!
I didn’t go into the play with too many expectations since I managed to avoid reading reviews of the show. Although I could imagine what’s being said, since for the past several years it seems like shitting on ‘80s bands is the trendy thing to do. But now is the time that the up and coming bands are citing bands like Guns, Motley, and Poison as major influences. (rightfully so!) It’s time that this era got some credit! If it becomes known for anything, Rock of Ages, pays tribute to the ‘80s rock era in a monumental way. The classic songs that help the play rumble on become even more transcendent. (u shut up now)
Bo Bice sucks and Constantine should’ve been runner up on Idol in ’05. Some of the notes he hit in Rock of Ages almost exploded the Bourbon Room, which would’ve sucked cause he was trying to help save it! His mastery of this style of rock truly wins the audience’s approval as his character Drew shows off his rock chops.
In Rock of Ages some of the songs you hear are taken right from the hair band era, while others are simply pop rock, but all of them work into the show’s plot. Songs from the following artists are featured in the play: Asia, Bon Jovi, David Lee Roth, Poison, Extreme, Mr. Big, Night Ranger, Quiet Riot, Twisted Sister, Warrant, Whitesnake, Foreigner, Journey, REO Speedwagon, Styx, Steve Perry, Pat Benatar, Quarterflash, and even Survivor!
Even though the music gives the show its gusto, it’s actually responsible for my only complaint. The musical is made up of storm trooping assembly of songs that only a late night CD box set infomercial with Bret Michaels could envy. The massive list of songs are finely weaved into the plot like the hairs on Bret Michaels head. Some of my favorite rock classics are featured in the show, so what’s the problem here, Jay? Some of the songs seem to be overused. I heard enough of Warrant’s “Heaven” when I sang along with it daily back in ’89. (By the way people get with the program! Jani Lane is OUT of Warrant again! That news didn’t interrupt your local affiliates broadcast of the last presidential debate? That’s weird because on my TV Riki Rachtman broke in just before McCain said “Joe the Plumber” for the 68th time and broke the news) Twisted Sister’s “I Wanna Rock,” and a few others seemed to be utilized several times at points when an original riff would feel more natural. Rock of Ages might benefit from sprinkling in a few original tunes in between the massively popular ones. How about an original Arsenel song? Arsenal, for those who don’t know, are the ‘80s rock band that is asked (blackmailed) to play at the Bourbon room to save the bar. (CD in stores now)
I’m a sucker for a T-Shirt, especially those emblazoned with a logo for a fictitious band. If the band happened to be from Jersey then I might just spontaneously combust. Whenever I go to a show or concert I look for that specific T-shirt that jumps out at me literally, and seduces me with a one liner like: “I wanna be on you…” After the show I strolled by the schwag station and almost yelped like a fat girl who can’t keep a secret and got a hand over her mouth. I then blacked out for a moment and came to. In my hands was a sparkling, magical, authentic ARSENAL concert T-shirt. Of course, the logo rips off Anthrax and Metallica but c’mon, what do you expect from a fictitious band! It was brought to my attention that if I looked at the back of the shirt, all the stops listed for their Cocked and Loaded tour are in New Jersey towns!
How RAD is that? And I don’t mean that in the Rock Against Drugs type of way. (That line I just ripped off was courtesy of Drew, Constantine’s character) Is Arsenal supposed to be from New Jersey? Perhaps that’s why Stacee Jaxx, while adorned in white spandex, unleashes a perverted, priceless rendition of Bon Jovi’s “Wanted Dead or Alive”? I’ll take it!
After you check out Rock of Ages, you’ll be thanking me. You too will come to appreciate the many facets of “Rusty Trombonering,” Warrant’s “Heaven,” and the atmospheric appeal of the Fogmaster 5000. Your arms will be super strong after holding up that keychain flashlight in place of a lighter during ballads. Oh, and you’ll also be thanking me because you scored points with your girlfriend. Theater tickets are a better gift idea than the run of the mill stuff, so buy her a pair of tickets for the holidays! For you ladies out there, your boyfriend will be elated that he can bring beers and adult beverages into the theater. That satisfies the alcohol lovers and those yearning for a true ‘80s sunset strip vibe.
Writer Chris D’Arienzo, Director Kristin Hanggi, and Choreogrpaher Kelly Devine are responsible for making Rock of Ages a play that feels like the kind of movie you watch a million times and remember all the dialouge. Keep in mind that you can only own a DVD for several generations, Rock of Ages the musical is off-Broadway NOW, so don’t miss out! Oh and some advice from Lonny the narrator: before you head to the show, if you’d like to make your experience more authentic you may want to set yourself up with an eight ball of crystal meth and get a sixer of Diet Shasta. Dude, it’s amazing.
I’m always amused when I see people’s reaction the first time they hear a KISS song. Throughout my entire life of being a KISS fan, everyone has always said “Oh I can’t listen to KISS, that’s like death metal.” Many people who have only seen KISS think their sound is more in line with their look. Aside from their typical “Rock and Roll all Nite” fare, take a listen to songs like “Hard Luck Woman,” “I Still Love You,” and “See You In You Dreams,” and you’ll hear that Kiss is the furthest thing from death metal. On the other hand, while they’re not death metal in the least, unlike Kiss, The Misfits sound is more in line with their image.
In 1977, The Misfits came together in Lodi, New Jersey. Named after a Marilyn Monroe film, their ghoulish, macabre makeup was attention grabbing and even more sinister than that of KISS and Alice Cooper. At first listen, their music sounds like simple guttural punk, yet it somehow perfectly evokes the nostalgic and eerie feeling of old horror movies. 30 years after the bands inception, The Misfits are credited as being the innovators of “Horror punk.”
A slew of bands cite The Misfits as one of their influences such as Metallica, and My Chemical Romance. Their skull logo can be seen everywhere, even if the kids wearing it don’t know what it stands for. It’s the MISFITS muthatruckas! Even with the departure of Glenn Danzig and various lineup changes, The Misfits are still terrorizing the country. Check out their tour dates to see when they’ll be in your neighborhood.
Now check out a few Misfit facts:
– Bassist, vocalist, and former WCW wrestler extraordinaire Jerry Only is known for inventing the “devilock” hairstyle seen here (2nd in from the left):
– The Misfits named their legion of fans “Fiends.” Their fiend club is their equivalent of the Kiss Army.
– This bit of interesting info comes courtesy of The Misfits website (www.misfits.com):
“The Misfits and their “Fiend Club” also became instrumental in petitioning for the release of the U.S. Classic Movie Monster Stamp series which, among other of their heroes, featured Bela Lugosi Sr., as Dracula, Ben Chapman as the Creature from the Black Lagoon, and of course, Boris Karloff as Frankenstein.”
– Here’s probably the most interesting thing I found about the Misfits:
The Misfits operate out of North Jersey where they own a machine shop and a knife factory. Not only do they make their own instruments but also their amps, studded straps and spiked leather jackets! The Misfits also fashion their very own stage sets and props!
– George Romero directed this Misfits video for “Scream” in exchange for letting Romero use 2 of their songs in his film Bruiser.
Video for “American Psycho” with an awesome intro:
Here you can see the craziness of a 1981 Misfits show as they perform one of their signature songs “Halloween”:
Here’s a really cool homemade video for their song “Vampira”:
Boy did I despise high school and everything about it. I wasn’t quite the outcast that Eddie Weinbauer was (played by Marc Price so brilliantly in Trick or Treat) but in my mind that’s exactly who I would’ve rather been than one of the popular kids or the overachievers. Outcasts aren’t usually the ones who are at the bottom of the food chain in high school, it’s the ones in the middle who don’t understand why everyone needs to be categorized. Throughout my teenage years I walked around with an air of angst. It’s not the most encouraging revelation that you need to adjust to the system and comply to the social norms when you just want to do it your own way. All this really means is that if you want to put on makeup, ripped leather pants, and rock out without anyone telling you that you don’t belong than there’s only one man who can be your saviour:
Reasons why Sammi Curr is Rock’s Chosen Warrior
He WILL rule the Apocalypse. I always had big aspirations in life, but I have zero confidence that Rock will ever choose me as it’s warrior. Instead, I’m probably a shoe in to be one of rock’s great listeners. It actually seems redundant since there’s no one else in the entire universe, except for maybe Darkseid, who could rule the Apocalypse besides Sammi Curr.
One of his biggest fans will always be known to millions as Skippy Handleman, not Ragman. Marc Price will always be known as Skippy, the Keaton’s neighbor, even though his best role was playing outcast Eddie Weinbauer in Trick or Treat. The cool, popular guys are always playing tricks on him and making fun of him so he vows to “nail them.” He’s a Walkman listening, jean jacket wearing, metal kid who’s got a crush on a cute girl named Leslie. She doesn’t even know he exists until he gets locked out of the locker room naked and she feels bad for him. She winds up saving him from drowning at a pool party. Recently, Eddie is back on the market and ready to take on the ladies! Eddie likes to write letters to Sammi Curr, listen to the latest metal, and spends most of his time brooding underneath the stairwell of Lakeridge High School.
Sammi’s not afraid to go on a tirade and “stand up” to the government. The government has labelled rock music “rock pornography” and an investigation is underway. Sammi defends himself to the Senate: “What I am saying here is you cannot legislate morality or music or people’s minds or we’ll bring you down man…WE WILL BRING YOU DOWN!” Dee Snider would be proud!
Curr was banned from playing a concert at his old high school due to his onstage antics being deemed too obscene. You don’t see Jon Bon Jovi getting banned from his old high school. He could probably fuck a goat on stage while he’s singing This Ain’t a Love Song and he’d get a standing ov. I think public forgiveness is based on attractiveness. The public will forgive you if you are good looking. You can go murder your impregnated wife and women will still say “What a shame that he’s such a murdering bastard because he’s a good looking guy.” Yeah, so Scott Peterson was apparently a hunk but we totally outcast and ban Sammi Curr from going back to his high school for french kissing a snake, biting it in two, then drinking its blood on stage. I wouldn’t even deem that indecent, to me that’s endearing! Who doesn’t love themselves some sacrificial snake juice once in a while? C’mon, let’s be honest it’s nothing these overdeveloped high school kids haven’t seen before! F-YOU LAKERIDGE HIGH!
As Billy Joel said, “Only the Good Die Young.” As reported on Eyewitness News, Curr died at the young age of 38 years old in a hotel fire. The amount of hotels he probably trashed and girls he fucked probably eclipses that of any emo band or homosexual brother trio in existence combined…ever.
He will not think twice about holding one of his insane satanic yoga festivals right in your bedroom. Let me tell you, Sammi brings the f’n party! While he’s doing his deep breathing exercises he’ll make you do calisthenics all over the place. You’ll be so hot from the workout that you’ll feel like you’re on fire! The Sammi Curr Satanic Yoga Experience workout DVD is available at finer store’s everywhere such as A&S, Alexander’s, and Bradlees.
He looked badass on the cover of Hit Parader – Even though Hit Parader was derided by various members of the rock and metal community, it was still one of the higher profile metal mags on the shelves. At the time, I always preferred Metal Edge since it was an easier read, informative, and in touch with its audience.
He comes up with witty, lighthearted album names. Arguably the best album in Curr’s discography is playfully titled “Tortures Too Kind.”
Records secret backmasked messages on his records. Many bands have been accused of including backmasked subliminal messages in their recordings such as The Beatles, Zeppelin, Judas Priest, and Slayer, so Curr’s joined an exclusive club.
Scares mothers all over the country. I never minded my father listening to KISS with me, but my mother generally disliked hard rock music. Sammi Curr seems like Satan incarnate when you’re on a strict diet of Rod Stewart, Barbara Streisand, and Dion Demucci.
And he even enrages OZZY! Ozzy gets fired up as his paradoxical evangelist Rev. Aaron Gilstrom. Here’s some of his wisdom about weeding out heavy metal music: “This could kick you off into becoming an absolute pervert!” “What happened to the good old simple love song? ‘I love you’ that’s a good word to use…” “It’s just absolutely sick and bizarre and I’m going to do my utmost best to try and stop it now!”
He can murder people through the TV! Curr even eradicates the “prince of f’n darkness” Ozzy Osbourne with the flick of his wrist! This power is not limited to reaching into the TV, but he can pull them out as well. His superhuman strength allows him to hoist his victims high into the air.
Curr records cassettes that make girls get naked, masturbate, and get killed by a huge slimy demon. That must be some tape! Can I get a copy of that tape? Except for the last part of course! Forget about The Ring, audio casettes were committing murder years before VHS. The victim here was some Lori Loughlin wannabe.
Shoots lightning bolts from his guitar. The next day, Ace Frehley sued for trademark infringement. Naturally, Curr can also harness electricity and shoots it from his fingers as well. He’s in good company with fellow harnessers such as Emperor Palpatine and even Doc Brown who managed to figure out a method of harnessing 1.21 jig watts of electricity. An amazing feat. Oh, and just a warning…you may need to make a trip to Best Buy because he WILL ruin your stereo!
He’s the Jerry Rice of hard rock and heavy metal. Not only can Sammi rock out and shred a solo on his guitar, but he’s also the best wide receiver ever…of guitars that is! Curr can catch a hail Mary guitar pass without even looking!
His onstage spins and jumps rival David Lee Roth’s. Sammi can even do a freakin’ cartwheel while holding his microphone. I bet his prowess can be credited to the late Tony Fields who was a well known choreographer and Solid Gold dancer. I wonder if Sammi Curr is at peace with the fact that he once starred in A Chorus Line?
Legend has it that Sammi beat the shit out of Blackie Lawless to secure the role that was rightfully his, that of Sammi Curr. No one could play Sammi better than Sammi, except possibly Tony Fields!
In a development that rocked Eddie Weinbauer’s world, several months after his death it was revealed that Curr did not record any of the songs he is known for. Unfortunately, just like Milli Vanilli, he lypsynched all of his concerts. Curr’s persuasive manner (read: will shoot you with electricity) convinced Fastway to record songs that he would claim as his own without any monetary retribution. I can’t comment on the accusation that there were any kickbacks to NUKE, the radio DJ from WZLP, but if Gene $immon$ had anything to do with it, I’m sure he was generously compensated.
Sammi kills fuzzy, innocent bears! Douche!
This just in from the Sexy Armpit News Desk:
The U.S Treasury is presently in discussions to officially remove George Washington from the dollar bill and replace him with the macabre rocker Alice Cooper. The country nervoulsy anticipates the outcome of such a monumental decision. When contacted for a comment Cooper just started yelling “I want to be elected.” Coming to you live from Washington D.C, I’m Jay Amabile for The Sexy Armpit.com
Here you can sign the petition that will hopefully get Alice Cooper elected president which will hopefully lead to him getting his face on the one dollar bill. Let’s take a look at his resume and see why he’s more qualified than both of our candidates in this presidential election:
As it turns out, much like Wayne and Garth, we’re not worthy! Not only has Alice partied with the Muppets, Jason Voorhees, and Slash but he’s also got himself a mean golf swing. I’m sure he’s trying to forget his moment accompanying Jake “The Snake” Roberts to the ring at Wrestlemania 3 so we won’t make him re-live that one.
Before we get to the videos, I actually caught this Alice Cooper One Dollar Bill at his Brutal Planet concert 9 years ago today. Alice kicked off Fright Fest at Six Flags Great Adventure on October 1st 1999. It wasn’t the only time I saw Alice but seeing his show on a cool, eerie October night in the middle of an amusement park didn’t get much better! I caught the dollar bill and Ryan Roxie’s guitar pick; could the night get any more memorable? Just after that thought ran through my head I saw Alice come over to us (we were in the front) pointing his cane at my then girlfriend as he sang to her “…You’re Poison runnin’ through my veins!” I chuckled to myself as if he knew my pain! Thanks for relating Alice! Now onto the videos!
One of the stereotypes about New Jersey is that most of the guys walk around looking and talking like one of the Sopranos. It’s taken my entire life living here to finally admit that it’s not all that far fetched. Fortunately, I’m not at all reinforcing that stigma but for some reason many of the guys at last night’s Motley Crue concert WERE. Cruefest, a rock festival tour, is the creation of Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue. It made it’s stop at the PNC Bank Arts Center in Holmdel, NJ last night. This is where I finally closed my case.
If you aren’t familiar with Guidos then you can click here and here for an explanation. They are guys who overtan, over spray on their cologne, and oversweat. They also work out (take steroids), sport ridiculous blown out hair cuts, and have lame tattoos. Oh and as you can see here, they usually they dance like idiots. These guys were piss drunk and launching themselves over the rows of chairs. They kept hugging each other and checking their cell phones. It was a living breathing stereotype right before my eyes. Every time they looked at me or my girl it felt like they were raping us with their eyes. I was completely creeped out. It wasn’t just them. They seemed to be in all the rows surrounding us. If zombies ever take over Jersey or New York, they’ll most likely be Guido Zombies.
One of the problems with this shitty venue, PNC Arts Center, is that they have VIP sections that are permanently bought by certain rich folks and companies. The companies might get a string of ten seats and give the tickets away to business partners and employees etc. The real true fans who want to get a hold of these seats can’t because Joey Stugots from Staten Island has a cousin who is doing a construction job for the company who has the VIP seats. The construction guys are more apt to give a better price if they’re schmoozed with some Motley Crue tickets. That’s just a for instance. You could imagine how many different scenarios there are. But that’s how it is living in Jersey. You could even make deals with teachers, cops, and Dunkin’ Donuts employees. Everyone’s corrupt here. So what made me realize that guidos don’t belong at fucking Motley Crue concert is this:
This blazing idiot was doing the tomahawk chop, you know the one fans do at a Braves or Chiefs game? Every time there was a thumping Tommy Lee beat banging or Vince said “I Wanna see those fists” this guy breaks out his tomahawk chop. THE ENTIRE CONCERT! Talk about inappropriate. While we’re all fist pounding this guy is shaking his hips back and forth while chopping the air. Give me devil horns, give me the middle finger, or even spirit fingers…not the friggin’ tomahawk chop!?!?! You’re at a MOTLEY CRUE SHOW not at a RAVE party asshole. What a fool. Go do that dance down the shore, at the capital of guidoville. Believe it or not, we’re not all like this but it really is a shame that all the stereotypes are true. And apparently Tommy Lee was digging us as he commended that “We’re all gangstas.” He sat on the edge of the stage and had a heart to heart with us. He was shocked by the fact that the parking lot was filled with cars and trucks with their trunk opened as everyone tailgated and got bombed. I always thought all people got wasted before a concert, not just in Jersey and especially a 5-five band festival.
OK, believe it or not, now I’ll actually review the concert:
The openers, Trapt, still known for their 2002 hit “Headstrong,” released 2 albums since then and haven’t been able to replicate that success. In comparison to the bands that followed, it looks like Trapt need to find themselves more personality and a more diverse repertoire of music. I won’t discredit them because they are talented and Chris Brown is a likeable front man. They just really come off as completely generic. It’s no wonder though, since they hit the rock scene at a time when new rock bands were pretty generic. They were opening Cruefest for a reason and let’s leave it at that.
Nikki Sixx’s side band Sixx A.M are immensely talented. It’s almost as if they belong at “A Very Special Concert with the Trans Siberian Orchestra” or something. Lead Singer, Michael James is not only a fantastic, engaging, and cool looking front man, but he’s also a well known writer, producer, and musician. Nikki really lucked out when he started working with him and guitarist DJ Ashba (formerly of Beautiful Creatures.) The Sixx AM team is actually responsible for writing and producing Motley Crue’s latest album Saints of Los Angeles. Wouldn’t you think Tommy, Vince, and Mick would want to write some of the songs too? It makes me gain that much more respect for Sixx AM. The songs they performed from the Heroin Diaries are more serious, and introspective than that of the ballistic, sleazy rock Motley Crue is known for. That’s most likely due to the subject matter. The songs are based on chapters from Nikki Sixx’s book The Heroin Diaries. “Pray For Me”(video posted below) and “Life Is Beautiful” were standouts.
Papa Roach won me over. I wasn’t on the bandwagon with much of the rock scene in the late ‘90s and early 2000’s. It seemed as if rap and rock would be forever married and I grew frustrated. I wanted to like “Last Resort” and it was good song, but deep down I still yearned for at least a touch of bombastic hair metal. I wrote off Papa Roach with a lot of other rap-rock and nu-metal bands like Linkin Park. Everyone was so angry and brooding. It was like grunge but without the ripped jeans. What were they still pissed about? Papa Roach has mentioned in interviews that they don’t rap in songs anymore. According to a Wikipedia article that credit’s an interview with the Dallas Music Guide, lead singer Jacoby Shaddix says “I just want to be a rocker.” That’s all I need to hear. It was actually 2004 when I began to appreciate Papa Roach’s music with their single “Getting Away with Murder.” Since then, WWE Raw, a show that I’ve watched since its inception in 1993, named “…To Be Loved” their theme song last year. So that’s a double whammy for me. Jacoby ventured out into the audience for “Time is Running Out” and they finished up with “Last Resort.”
Some girl in the front row tossed Jacoby a pair of little black panties, so he did what a guys usual reflex is when that happens. He put them on his head and covered his mouth and nose with the “good part.” Mid-song he stops, inhales, and proclaims “Hey…these smell good!” If you’re a guy there’s a 99% chance that you’ve done that before and enjoyed it too. He’s entertaining and crazy to say the least.
Buckcherry or “Buckberry” as the PNC Bank Arts Center program refers to them as were up next. We don’t know how to rock out, and apparently we can’t spell either.
You were probably disappointed if you’re a fan from the start like me, material from Buckcherry’s first two albums have gone almost completely abandoned. Most of their performance consisted of songs from their last album 15. Even though they picked up a few new members, they’re still the raw and sexual band they established themselves as. Some highlights were their new track “Too Drunk” from their forthcoming Black Butterfly, “Next to You,” and “Crazy Bitch.” You can check out footage of their performance at our You Tube channel: www.youtube.com/thesexyarmpit.
During Tommy’s amusing Titty Cam segment, to encourage boobs to come out of hiding, he said “C’mon, this ain’t a Bon Jovi concert.” Unlike other bands such as Bon Jovi and Poison who emerged in the ’80s, Motley goes into a concert with a different mindset. They definitely want the audience to have a good time but they do what they’ve always done and that’s fuck shit up with no regard. When you see Poison they show a parental advisory warning on the screens but there’s actually no adult content. At Motley, there’s no warning but tons of explicit content! There’s naked girls on the screens and plenty of sexual situations. Instead of turning the place into a party, they want to destroy the place with their hard rock anarchy. There’s something about their music that remains edgy and dangerous til this day. It’s much like Guns N Roses Appetite for Destruction. There’s music on that album that will always sound like these guys must be wrongdoers. Parents hated Motley. Bon Jovi and Poison on the other hand were less threatening and thus more mom-friendly. Motley seemed like they’d bash through your front door wearing all their demonic gear with smoke pouring in, they’d try to bang your mom, steal all your liquor, beat the shit out of your dad, and then break anything expensive in your house. That’s Motley. If Poison and Bon Jovi came over we’d all probably gather around a bonfire in the yard and sing Kumbaya. That’s not to say that I don’t love them, cause I do! There’s just always been a different vibe running through Motley’s show and they come off as ballsier, and more focused.
Motley was on point, and LOUD! The only minor flaw lies within Vince Neil’s performance. I think Vince sounds better than he did say, 4 years ago, but obviously not as good as he did 20 years ago. There’s many instances where the audience is singing for him and other times he’ll only sing the last few words of each line. Overall though, not much has changed with Motley. Motley blasted through their signature songs with reckless abandon. They played all their classics like Kickstart my heart, Wildside, Shout at the Devil, and Dr. Feelgood. After Mick’s guitar solo, Tommy hopped in with some beats and played a few seconds of Voodoo Chile. During the band’s encore Home Sweet Home, the screens showed a montage of all vintage Crue clips.
Whenever the lights went out I squinted to see the outline of Nikki up there and I felt like it was the ‘80s all over again. He still looks basically the same even with all he’s been through. But this was no nostalgia show because The Crue was out there to prove that their new album rocks. Hearing the tracks from Saints of Los Angeles live sound just as brash and defiant as their classics. Their performances of Motherfucker of the Year and the title track SOLA blew the people (and guidos) in the packed amphitheater right onto the parkway and then gave them the finger.
