Atomic Food Containers – Perfect for Leftover Eaters in New Jersey

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You know those catalogs that come in the mail that feature every variation of the leg lamp from A Christmas Story? It turns out that the What On Earth catalog is one of them. They also feature a whole lot of other junk you’ll probably never use, but sure looks damn cool while you’re thumbing through the catalog. Doesn’t everyone need a silky Rocky Balboa robe just like the one he walked to the ring in? You can recreate his bout against Clubber Lang only in a much crappier way. Your bed can be the ring and your pillow can be Clubber Lang. (Not that I’ve ever had any experiences similar to that or anything, I’m just saying) I don’t think “boxing buddies” ever existed to compete with “wrestling buddies,” but if they did I would buy up an army of Clubber Lang’s. I like my pillow replicas of boxers to be pretty badass what can I say? He pillows the fool.
After that arduous exhibition bout against Clubber Lang, you’re sure to work up a fierce appetite. Time to make a masculine, easy to prepare, yet satisfying meal such as chili. What should you do with the huge 20 gallon vat of chili sitting on the stove that you don’t want to throw away? Well, if you happen to live in New Jersey then these Atomic Food Containers are perfect to store your leftovers while managing to be tongue in cheek at the same time. How many Tupperware do you own at this second that you can say have a sense of humor? I know for a fact that none of my containers have any personality whatsoever. If you really want to let your wife know that her cooking sucks more than Peg Bundy’s, then these may just be the way to go. Although you might want to present her with them BEFORE the holidays that way you don’t have to experience her “raisin liverwurst surprise upside down cake.”
What On Earth doesn’t sponsor this site, but I thought these were bizarre and appropriate enough to mention regardless. The set of 3 containers feature these labels: Nuclear Waste – Eat and Glow. Biodangerous – Yesterday’s Leftovers. Experimental Meal – Consume at Own Risk.

Man on a Marshmallow Mission: Pumpkins and Pals Beware!

When you hear the term “Man on a Mission,” I’m 99.9% sure that the former WWF trio of Mabel, Oscar, and Mo doesn’t spring immediately to your mind. A man on a mission is ME when I’m in the grocery store, or any store for that matter.

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“I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda”
Shannon Hamilton (Ben Affleck) “The Asshole from Fashionable Male” – Mallrats

I’d hate to fall into the category of a person who is respected by Shannon from Mallrats, but, yes I usually have a shopping agenda. I don’t quite live in a bustling city like Manhattan, but the traffic and headaches here are sometimes just as easy to come by. Going to some of the grocery stores and superstores like Target and Wal-Mart drives me nuts. It’s rarely a pleasant experience even though I’d like it to be. On one occasion, I drove to Wal-Mart for a poster frame and then realized there’s no good parking spots, carts are banging into cars, and when I finally got a spot, someone tried starting shit with me saying it was their spot. This isn’t even the holidays!

Once in the store, I become the Terminator and set my infrared sights to pinpoint exactly what I came to get. Oh, who am I kidding? I get sidetracked so easily. Seeing Batman Underoos stops me in my tracks. I think if I had the money I’d just buy anything with my favorite characters on it. After spending an hour and probably somewhere in the range of $100, I realize I need to get the fuck out or suffer more monetary and mental damage. I’m sure I also had some irreparable damage to my ear drums considering it’s so damn loud in these stores with all of the screaming, crying, whiny kids. I love kids, truthfully, but they go ballistic if you don’t tell them you’ll buy them every thing in the store.

Even when I’m at a higher level store like Wegmans, difficulties still hinder me from shopping with ease. When the hell are grocery stores going to hire a traffic cop and build shopping cart highways? So many people have no idea how to handle a shopping cart. Some folks are actual adults and senior citizens believe it or not! You’d think they’d be experts at handling themselves in a store after shopping for 40 some odd years. People don’t move when they see others trying to get through, and certain people think that NO ONE IS EVER BEHIND THEM! Go a little bit faster people! You don’t have to run the New York City Marathon or anything, but damn, not everyone is retired and taking leisurely strolls through stores “just to see what pops out at them.” Remember, get out of my way…I’m on a mission!

When I actually made my way through all the congestion and literally cursed my way through the fresh baked bread line, I finally attempted check out. This part is the biggest joke ever. Not only have I actually seen a person almost get kicked out of the store because they went to the 10 items or less line with well over 10 items, but a middle aged angry woman cut in front of me in line and then yelled at me saying “I was next…you can’t cut in front of me!” Just get me out of this hellish place! These people are out of their minds. I just need to buy my Marshmallow Monsters, and a couple of friggin’ chocolate pumpkins and get my ass out of here!

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A few days ago I finally decided to try Hershey’s milk chocolate covered marshmallow pumpkin. I think I had a brainfart because when I got home I realized I thought I bought the Reese’s pumpkins, but I was happy I didn’t…at least my health was. These Hershey’s pumpkins aren’t that bad for you so you won’t feel too guilty indulging. Even us “adults” need to relish in some Halloween candy once in a while. I haven’t trick or treated in about 16 years so this will have to suffice. Making it through the store excursions alive was scary enough.

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I tore open the package to see a hunk of chocolate that did not resemble a pumpkin, more like a half a fig covered in chocolate. It didn’t matter though, because once my teeth ripped into the soft marshmallow center I was sold. The pumpkin was tasty, I must say. The marshmallow filling was actually quite smooth and more on the creamy side. It wasn’t that styrofoamy type of marshmallow you get in a Moon Pie or Scooter Pie, this had substance. The texture and taste was pretty close to that of Fluff.

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If you are the type of person who watches what they eat, then I highly recommend the Hershey’s marshmallow pumpkin as treat for Halloween. I didn’t see a dark chocolate version in the store, which I would’ve rather had but with 3.5 grams of fat and NO cholesterol, you won’t feel too guilty.

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Hand made Marshmallow Pals are my new best friends! I don’t remember seeing a package of “hand made” candy in a long time. I picked these up at a $5 Below store, who always seem to have tons of candy. As it turns out, there was several different varieties of “hand made” candy in the store but the Marshmallow Pals really caught my eye. They had that special something. At first glance I knew these were going to be mine. Inside the individually wrapped packages were Frankenstein, Dracula, The Witch, and we’ll call him Mr. Pumpkin. They were all happy to finally get a breath of fresh air after spending so much time wrapped in their cellophane.

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They looked so appetizing, especially Dracula and Frankenstein for some reason. I was impressed by the details like the semi-hard icing that made up the hair on the witch and Drac, Frankie’s bolts, and the pumpkin’s vine. Admiring those details didn’t last very long since I beheaded all of them! The Marshmallow Pals basically tasted like Peeps but these seemed a bit sweeter, possibly from the aforementioned hard icing.

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Sorry I ate you my little mavericky Marshmallow Pals! And now that I can’t hear, I have no money, and my eyes are crossing thanks to all the bright lights and cool shit…it’s finally time to go home and enjoy the rest of my booty.

Want a Savior But Don’t Need a Fake? Elect Alice Cooper!

This just in from the Sexy Armpit News Desk:

The U.S Treasury is presently in discussions to officially remove George Washington from the dollar bill and replace him with the macabre rocker Alice Cooper. The country nervoulsy anticipates the outcome of such a monumental decision. When contacted for a comment Cooper just started yelling “I want to be elected.” Coming to you live from Washington D.C, I’m Jay Amabile for The Sexy Armpit.com

Here you can sign the petition that will hopefully get Alice Cooper elected president which will hopefully lead to him getting his face on the one dollar bill. Let’s take a look at his resume and see why he’s more qualified than both of our candidates in this presidential election:

As it turns out, much like Wayne and Garth, we’re not worthy! Not only has Alice partied with the Muppets, Jason Voorhees, and Slash but he’s also got himself a mean golf swing. I’m sure he’s trying to forget his moment accompanying Jake “The Snake” Roberts to the ring at Wrestlemania 3 so we won’t make him re-live that one.

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Before we get to the videos, I actually caught this Alice Cooper One Dollar Bill at his Brutal Planet concert 9 years ago today. Alice kicked off Fright Fest at Six Flags Great Adventure on October 1st 1999. It wasn’t the only time I saw Alice but seeing his show on a cool, eerie October night in the middle of an amusement park didn’t get much better! I caught the dollar bill and Ryan Roxie’s guitar pick; could the night get any more memorable? Just after that thought ran through my head I saw Alice come over to us (we were in the front) pointing his cane at my then girlfriend as he sang to her “…You’re Poison runnin’ through my veins!” I chuckled to myself as if he knew my pain! Thanks for relating Alice! Now onto the videos!

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 4: WWF’s Land of a Thousand Dances

Sometimes I sit and wonder why I feel like I haven’t reached my full potential in life. Moments later it occurs to me that I could recite all the banter from “The Wrestling Album.”

Back when WWE was called The World Wrestling Federation, 1985 to be exact, not only was I pretending to dodge bullets from the Libyans’ van, but I was also playing the shit out of this album cut by all the WWF wrestlers. In between songs, Vince McMahon, Mean Gene, and Jesse “The Body” Ventura provided color commentary which made the album quite original. I used to pose in the mirror to “Real American” ( Hulkster’s theme but originally for the U.S Express’ Mike Rotundo and Barry Windham) dance around like a maniac to JYD’s “Grab Them Cakes,” and pretend I knew how to line dance when “Don’t Go Messin’ with a Country Boy” by Hillbilly Jim kicked in. And sure, I’ll admit that I used to listen to Jimmy Hart’s “Eat Your Heart Out Rick Springfield,” and Rowdy Roddy Piper’s catchy tune “For Everybody” incessantly.

So what, maybe I have a few of these songs on my iPod. I’m sure you have some incriminating shit on yours too. Some TMNT “Pizza Power” anyone? I’ll forgive that because at least mutated super hero turtles were involved. But Ini Kamoze’s Hotstepper and Right Said Fred? C’mon, it looks like you need some higher quality embarrassment so you better start downloading The Wrestling Album. You see, I don’t really care if someone’s in my car and my iPod starts to play the WWF wrestler’s version of Land of a Thousand Dances. You’d be surprised at what a blast it is. I used to stare at the album cover and pick out who was singing each line.

You’ll never see anything like this again. All the wrestlers were together, singing and clapping in tandem. It was like the WWF version of We Are the World only not for charity and the opposite of touching. So how does this tie in to New Jersey? Well, Piper goes off on The Goonies, The Iron Shiek spits, Bundy threatens to squash us with his Avalanche, and perhaps the greatest manager of all time Bobby “The Brain” Heenan brilliantly warns: “I’m gonna stretch ya from here to New Jersay!” (3:18) Look out for cameos by Meatloaf and Mona Flambe aka Cyndi Lauper! As Jesse “The Body” Ventura said: “I’m gonna crush ya and ill see you lata!”

The Sexy Armpit Has Joined The WWE Fan Nation!

Sunday was the 20th edition of WWE’s Summerslam Pay Per View. I can’t believe that the first ever Summerslam event is already 20 years old! Damn, I may as well check myself into an old age home! Summerslam ’88 was an awesome event packed with classic WWE moments. Most notably, when Miss Elizabeth ripped away her skirt to leave Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase, and everyone else in the arena stunned. This made way for the Mega Powers to score the victory at Madison Square Garden in New York City. The Mega Powers, the greatest force known to man, paired “The Madness with The Mania.” When Hulk Hogan and Macho Man Randy Savage were together on-screen sparks always flew. They always put on great matches together and cut even better promos. ‘Til this day, no WWE superstar has come close to exuding the outrageous amount of charisma that these two superstars did.

20 years later, after watching Summerslam ’08, I can’t say that the WWE talent quality is at the exact same level but the WWE is still putting on top notch entertainment. The enthralling and dramatic montages WWE creates grab you right off of your couch and suck you right into the story lines. Today’s WWE climate is different, it’s less of a traveling carnival and more of an actual late night soap for guys AND girls, but mostly for kids. The themes WWE hits on are bold, topical, and often times…actually groundbreaking. For example, Chris Jericho is really gonna get his ass beat after accidentally popping Shawn Michaels’ pretty wife right in the mouth. But Shawn didn’t retaliate!?!?!? Now we’re dealing with psyche and morals, not just piledrivers and atomic drops. You might go through your days thinking “Damn, I forgot to pay the electric bill!” while I go through my day thinking “I can’t wait to see Shawn lose his shit and go ballistic on Jericho!” I’m pretty sure that means they’re doing a great job.

You won’t hear many TV critics or pop culture gurus giving any props to Vince McMahon and the WWE. It’ll probably continue like that until Vince McMahon kicks the bucket, and I mean for real this time! Not like the time he got into his limo and it exploded. They struck that from the record, so you should too! Just go with it, don’t ask too many questions. Let yourself be entertained. Stop being so pretentious. We’re all very similar in our makeup and WWE puts on a show that everyone can enjoy. Well, maybe not through the entire RAW broadcast, but at least when Santino Marella is out there. And Cody Rhodes! And if you can’t enjoy the hot looking WWE Divas, you’re out of your mind.

WWE has had some exciting developments. Recently they welcomed actor Freddie Prinze Jr. to their writing staff and they also unveiled their new social networking site called THE WWE FAN NATION. For a few months I’ve been hearing about this site during RAW and SMACKDOWN. Like all new Internet gimmicks my first instinct was to ignore it, but like the thought of Miss Elizabeth tearing away her skirt for my 8 year old eyes to see, it enticed me. If you’re a WWE fan, F–K Twitter, why not join the WWE Fan Nation? It’s basically WWE’s answer to MySpace. Click here to check out The Sexy Armpit’s slice of it.

Don’t feel like joining the Fan Nation? Well then, here’s a choose your own Sexy Armpit Adventure:

My “coverage” of last year’s Summerslam blogging from my cell phone live from the Continental Airlines Arena (now the Izod Center) in East Rutherford, New Jersey.

Here’s the Main Event from Summerslam ’88 which I found on You Tube. For all of you impatient, horny Miss Elizabeth fans out there, fast forward to 6:42!

Birthday Cakes and Batman

Birthday cakes have always been a bit of a sore subject for me. Every year since I could remember I wanted Cookie Puss for my birthday. It took about 8 years or so but I finally got him and he was the most enjoyable puss I ever had. For some reason, I never got big birthday shindigs or elaborate specialty birthday cakes. I guess it wasn’t in the cards for me. Dionne Warwick told me that when I called her up as a kid. She said almost exactly that: “Jay you’ll never have a great big party or a personalized character cake for your birthday.” I used to ask my mother why I didn’t (“How come ma?”) and it seemed there was no reason. “How come ma?”

Birthdays, especially in March, (like mine) seem to just creep up on people and then disappear like they never happened. In like a lion, out like a lamb as they say. Even though that doesn’t really pertain to this scenario, it sounded good. So I never really had a kickass cake until cookie Puss and that only happened once. About a year later my mother pulled a few slick moves and got Batman put on my cake. My father and I have birthdays that fall within 2 days of each other so both of our names were on the cake. I didn’t mind that at all since I was reasonable. I’ll share the sugary icing of a spotlight with my dad as long as Bats is on my cake. That definitely surprised me because it showed that someone was finally listening! A small part of me really wanted some little Batman and Robin figurines running on the icing backdrop of Gotham City, bat-signal and all, but I would take what I could get at that point! More than 10 years later, my girlfriend at the time created an amazing Batman cake for my 20th birthday. Cutting it up and eating it was the hardest part. Who would want to cut up Batman? Besides, The Joker!

I think birthdays in general should be fun and different than any other day. If your own birthday isn’t somewhat different from the norm that would suck. I’m not the type to ask for people to make a fuss over me but it’s sure nice when they do it on their own! I know if I was a kid right now, I’d be begging to have Batman parties, Pirates of the Caribbean parties, Hulk parties etc. When I was a kid I had everything from Super Friends plates (pictured) to WWF napkins but ne’er a Hulkster cake.
I think Birthday cakes should be personalized, although I understand the painstaking work that goes into them. A couple of years ago I took a crack at it and made my girl a Marvin the Martian birthday cake. For a guy who’s the opposite of Julia Childs I think I did a pretty damn good job. For a look at another cool cake related post check out Geektarded who has a really cool look at a MOTU birthday he had when he was a kid. How many bat-cakes have you guys had? Did you have any other cool cakes we should know about?

CRUSH! A Tribute

CRUSH!
When you used to turn my head into mush
When you used to make all the girls blush
CRUSH!
When you were the third member of Demolition
When you kicked more ass than Men on a Mission
CRUSH!
When you lacerated Savage’s tongue
When he put you in a rope and you hung
CRUSH!
When it was falls count anywhere
When you felt sexy cause you used Nair
CRUSH!
When you fought the Repo Man
When the business was so bad it made a new FCC ban
CRUSH!
When Mr. Fuji turned you heel
When we weren’t friends anymore, what was the deal?
CRUSH!
When you led the DOA
When I said to you, GOOD DAY!
When she said me and you should hit the hay.
When the event was over it was $50 bucks that I still had to pay?
What else do I have to say?
CRUSH!
When you were Savage’s bodyguard
When you were in charge like Commadant Lassard
When, hold on, I have to fard
When no one said I was the Bard
CRUSH!
When you hailed from Kona
When I refused to let you use my phona
When your printer ran out of tona
When you banged that red haired cougar named Mona
CRUSH!