George Carlin: What am I Doing in New Jersey?

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On March 25th & 26th, 1988, at the Park Theater in Union City NJ, the eternal KING of comedy George Carlin recorded a special for HBO called What am I Doing in New Jersey? Though it’s not considered his best work, Carlin fearlessly attacked controversial topics head on using his legendary wit and sarcasm. Sure, it’s a 20 year old comedy special, but the ideas Carlin explores and rips on are still fresh and relevant today.

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Carlin fiercely kicks the show off with his gripes of Reagan’s government. The Reagan White House vowed to the American people that they’d get government off their backs, but still ’till this day decide what you can read, and what broadcasters can say on the radio. Carlin tore right into the idea of the FCC and how they pointlessly horn in on our 1st amendment right. The bits on Ronald Reagan are obviously dated but if you really wanted to, it’s entirely possible to substitute George W. Bush and it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch. From there, he blew “right to lifers” out of the water, and did a hysterical bit on Civil War reanactors: “…they should use live ammunition!”

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Carlin is at his best as he details ironic and sometimes bizarre aspects of American culture:

This is a place where gun store owners are given a list of stolen credit cards, but not a list of criminals and maniacs! And now they’re thinking about banning toy guns, and they’re gonna KEEP the fuckin’ REAL ones!

Later on in the show, Carlin deals with some of the most appropriate topics for a show in NJ, such as traffic and driving:

“…New Jersey deserves the title “Toll Booth Capitol” of the United States of America.”

“…you can’t back out of your driveway in New Jersey without some schmuck in a hat wants 50 cents! And i don’t mind payin’ tolls, but every 27 feet? Bullshit!

“…so I say let ’em be honest, let ’em put it right on the license plates, New Jersey: The Tollbooth State. What does it say now? The Garden State, haha, sure, if you’re growing smokestacks…YES.”

I like New Jersey…I even have one of those t-shirts you guys sell, “Kiss Her Where It Smells Take Her to New Jersey”…so I like the place…”

Carlin also offers some helpful tips and hints on improving your life:

how to get rid of counterfeit money: put it in the collection plate at church. See how often the simple solution will elude us?

“…someone asks you what time it is, say, well it’s either 6:15 or Mickey has a hard on.”

Keeping with the driving and traffic topic, signs and stickers on cars get Carlin fired up. He also offers a few suggestions on how to deal with a cop when you get pulled over.

In his review of the comedy album, JT Griffith of AllMusic.com had this to say: “The main weakness of What Am I Doing in New Jersey is that it doesn’t have any choice takes on the “Garden State” at all. What a missed opportunity. Overall, a light and entertaining comedy album, but not a groundbreaking or challenging one. ” I concur with JT. I would’ve liked to hear more of Carlin roasting New Jersey, but at the time, in ’88, making fun of NJ guido’s wasn’t as popular of a trend as it is now. Perhaps riffing on Joe Piscopo or Pork Roll sandwiches didn’t entice Carlin very much either and I think this HBO special was better off for it. Regardless of it’s shortcomings, What am I Doing in New Jersey is another quite entertaining entry in Carlin’s extensive discography. It’s available on CD and DVD.

** Built in 1931, The Park Theater Performing Arts Center features the the longest running passion play in the United States which details Christ’s last days. It’s now in it’s 94th season. Judging by their website, it looks like there aren’t many big names performing there anymore.

Why You Need Kevin Smith’s Zack and Miri Make a Porno on DVD & Blu-ray

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Kevin Smith’s Zack and Miri Make a Porno is available today on DVD and Blu-Ray. I fought the treacherously slippery roads and 3-4 inches of snow and headed to Best Buy to pick up my copy. It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard about this film, if you read The Sexy Armpit, and even somewhat enjoy it, then I’m positive you’ll like this film. If for some insane reason you haven’t seen it and still need to be convinced, see it for these reasons:
5) Katie Morgan is nude. Very nude. Oh and Traci Lords is C3PO! (see above)
4) Craig Robinson is hysterical. “Han Solo ain’t never had no sex with Princess Leia in the Star War!”
3) Elizabeth Banks is hot. If you don’t believe me…watch Wet Hot American Summer.
2) See what happens when Brandon Routh (Superman) and Justin Long drink one too many cosmos. Together they provide one of the most classic pieces of banter out of all of Kevin Smith’s films. That’s quite a remark considering such classic quotable competition from the likes of Clerks, Mallrats, and Chasing Amy.
1) The moment depicted in the screen shot above. They plan on making a Star Wars PORN! If you’re sick and tired of the ridiculously delayed homage to Star Wars, Fanboys, then these Star Wars porn scenes will more than tide you over.

Film Review: The Spirit

“…I guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet…but your kids are gonna love it!” – Marty McFly, Back to the Future (1985)

It looks like the public just wasn’t ready for an over the top spectacle like The Spirit. Screw The Dark Knight for ruining chances of another comic book themed film achieving any sort of success! I am fresh off seeing The Spirit and my first reaction is that it traveled right over people’s heads. The storytelling in the film isn’t typical, and it’s appearance isn’t easy to adjust to, but I found these aspects enhanced what might’ve otherwise been a generic film based on a lesser known comic book character. 
Gabriel Macht was a perfect choice for The Spirit, and pretty much seems like he could play ANY super hero for that matter and knock the role out of the ball park. The role was campier than I expected, but also serious, and thankfully not too serious. For guys at least, the eye candy is tremendous. We get to see Eva Mendes and Scarlett Johansson (among others) glam it up in old school style as they fog up the screen seductively. If you’re not convinced yet, The Spirit contains one HOT fleeting Eva Mendes ass-shot which I found to be highly agreeable. But if for some reason you’re not into hot ass shots and Scarlett Johansson’s voluptuous…uh…lips, then by all means, go and enjoy the fine work of Samuel L. Jackson as The Octopus! Even though Samuel L. will be Samuel L. whether he’s playing Jules Winnfield or Mace Windu, it really doesn’t matter because he’s just a lot of fun to watch because he enjoys his job so much. 
Don’t go into it expecting Superman, or Iron Man, because this is a very different film. The Spirit is highly stylized and at first you aren’t sure if you’re supposed to laugh or cringe. When in doubt, laugh! This is a movie based off a comic book dammit! I’ve read critics’ reviews that have bashed this film for every detail including “I didn’t like the fact that The Spirit had to punch Octopus so many times.” Are you kidding me? If you can’t handle how a comic book would look on the big screen, then don’t waste your time. This is a comic book movie etched in retro style that isn’t brooding and marinated in realism, so if that appeals to you, I suggest you see The Spirit before it disappears from theaters. Well, I’m not pressuring you to go to the theater of course, especially since the DVD will probably get released in a few weeks. Still, I plunked down the cash to see it and I’ll definitely be shelling out more when it hits on Blu-Ray.

Would YOU Let Santa Claus Drive Your Corvette?

I’m surprised and excited to see how many houses have been decorated for Christmas this year. On my way home from work every day, I pass through so many towns and as Paul Stanley says “They’re lit up like a damn Christmas Tree!” It seems like there’s more Christmas spirit in New Jersey this year than ever before. Whatever the reason is, it’s an excellent feeling! People’s displays have grown more elaborate and creative. In fact, while riding through Fair Haven, NJ last weekend we saw this Corvette parked on someone’s lawn:

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Take a closer look and you’ll see Santa behind the wheel about to take the ‘vette out for a spin:
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That’s a pretty awesome lawn decoration if you ask me. I don’t think you’ll be able to pick that one up at Wal-Mart! 
For all the good that Santa’s done throughout time, I still don’t think that’s enough to make me let him borrow my Corvette to deliver presents. We have no idea what kind of driving record he has. They could drive like assholes up in the North Pole. If the elves get licenses then I’ll give a definitive “NO” on that one. Besides, isn’t St. Nick all tanked up on spiked Egg Nogg he drinks at houses all over the world? Isn’t that what makes him so jolly in the first place? We wouldn’t want him getting a DWI, so let’s have him stick to flying around in his sleigh. 

JAY: You’re not getting my keys, Santa! 
SANTA CLAUS: Ho, Ho, Ho, we’ll see about that! How bad do you want that PS3 for Christmas?!?! Ho, Ho, Ho!
JAY: I’ll forget about the PS3 for now, just as long as you don’t crash my beautiful Corvette and turn it into a red and white yuletide mess. Oh, and toll prices just went up so it’ll be cheaper if you hop in you’re sleigh.
SANTA CLAUS: Ho, Ho, Ho! Jay, I’m going through a mid-life crisis times 3. Can’t I just take the ‘vette for a few minutes? Mrs. Claus never lets me have ANY fun. She took away my copy of Transformers on DVD because she said I was staring a hole in Megan Fox. I’m not even allowed to go to Hooters up in the North Pole. And if you haven’t noticed, all of Santa’s helpers are all gay males. I lead a sad, boring life. C’mon, help a brutha out.
JAY: OK, OK, but you’re going to owe me BIG time if you crash it!
SANTA CLAUS: Yeah right, after I got you everything you asked for every Christmas? Batman, He-Man, WWF, Star Wars, Thundercats, I gave it all to you! You weren’t that good this year anyway! So I owe you nothing bub! 
JAY: You know what Santa, you can f—ing walk!
Friends don’t let Santa Claus drive drunk.
A Public Service Announcement from the Ad Council and Mrs. Claus.

Did Elisabeth Shue Bankrupt New Jersey?

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It’s been almost 25 years since Elisabeth Shue played Ali “give me back my radio” Mills, Danny Larusso’s love interest in The Karate Kid, so it’s about damn time she made some headlines again. This time, instead of playing the girlfriend of an Italian Jersey boy who learned how to wax on and off, she was actually instrumental in New Jersey losing a bunch of cash. For NJ to lose more money than it already has seems impossible.

Gracie, a film about a Jersey girl who wanted to play competitive soccer, did not make enough revenue to turn a profit. Almost 4 years ago, NJ’s Economic Development Authority wrote off a $2 million dollar loan to the film’s producers to pay the tab for Jerseyites Andrew Shue (a co-writer on the film) and his sister Elisabeth to star in Gracie. The loan was granted by state lawmakers in hopes of boosting movie production in New Jersey. The filmmakers also have to pay back the film’s lead financial backers Goldman Sachs, who shelled out $7 million dollars to make the film.

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NJ.com’s story about the $2 million dollar loss, garnered numerous comments that ranged from infuriated people who criticized the state’s lack of fiscal responsibility to others who had the idea of re-shooting the film with gratuitous frontal nudity and sex scenes and then re-releasing it. Oh you wacky Jersey folks! There may be a lack of moolah here, but there’s never a shortage of PORN!

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Regardless of NJ being “in the hole,” Elisabeth Shue could probably afford to send me a kickback from her residual check because I keep her entire filmography in rotation. Just the other day I checked my brain at my front door and popped Hollow Man into the antique “DVD player.” Let’s talk about that one scene where Josh Brolin is about to get his bang on with her. We would’ve had a nice fleeting ass cheek shot, but her granny thong is in the way. That was the most ginormous whale tale in the history of the existence of the term “whale tale.”

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Even though Shue is no spring chicken, she’s still a hot and seasoned actress who has starred in a bunch of other films close to my heart. You are all beasts for condemning her turn as Jennifer Parker in Back To The Future II and III. Leave her alone, she was in a catch 22 situation! She had to fill the “shues” of Claudia Wells who had a sexy appealing sex appeal. And no…that wasn’t a typo. Wells was not only sexy, but supportive as her character Jennifer rooted Marty on: “You’re good Marty, you’re really good!” I love that kind of encouragement, especially when she’s being “encouraging” in the back of my black Toyota 4×4 down at the lake.

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For all her years of service to horny men out there, The Sexy Armpit gives Elisabeth a bye this time. Perhaps we could all demand that her brother Andrew refund the money to the state via his windfall that came through after Melrose Place made it to DVD?

BetaMaxmas brings you Holiday Specials Retro Style!

My friend Steve alerted me to this awesome site called Betamaxmas. As you can see from the screenshot, it’s a late ’70s or early ’80s living room fully equipped with a Christmas tree decorated with BIG BULBS, a TV set with rabbit ears and a remote control, and a Betamax player. On the TV set you can watch all different vintage holiday specials. If they come in a little fuzzy…just click the rabbit ears to adjust the reception! It’s amazing how fast technology has been “museumified.” A bonus is the classic TV guide listing on the top right.

Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead!

Nudity, Lesbians, Chicken, and Zombies! My review is over, that was easy!

Get Poultrygeist on DVD!

Some folks are simple and don’t require elaborate explanations “cocked” with flowery, persuasive language. For those who DO require more, read on!
Troma Films’ Lloyd Kaufman not only directs, but also makes a cameo appearance in his latest and greatest film Poultrygeist. If you’re the type of lame-o who doesn’t appreciate Troma films then you’re probably the one sitting like a bump on a log at parties also. If you’re going to watch Poultrygeist, first you’ll need to lighten up a bit. Did Gary and Wyatt from Weird Science have any fun wearing their jeans into the shower with Lisa? Hell no! Just like Lloyd Kaufman whipped up his wondrous special recipe when making Poultrygeist, The Sexy Armpit has it’s own special technique on how to enjoy Poultrygeist at the most optimum level.

1) Pick up Lloyd Kaufman’s gory, sexually explicit, social commentary Poultrygeist (available NOW on DVD at finer stores everywhere)
2) Head to the nearest fast food joint and order some of their cheap, gut busting, hormone infused, secret sauce swimming fare…TO GO!
3) Get comfortable, take those jeans off if you have to! Boxers are optional of course.
4) Have plenty of napkins/and or paper towels in close proximity….(cause the food will make your hands greasy, douche! what were you thinking?)
5) Think long and hard about what you’re about to do. You may want to go to confession before watching Poultrygeist. You may also want to reconsider ingesting this food. Ah, f–k it.
6) Make sure your hands aren’t greasy and then insert the Poultrygeist DVD. Before insertion, make sure the disc is in correctly to avoid it coming out too quickly.
7) Push start on the DVD player. Proceed to laugh, vomit, and spray shit from your ass like it’s coming out of a whale’s blowhole.
I’m known for my occassional overuse of the “C” word. There are even times I call my mom the “C” word. I know how it is to get angry and scream “Mama Weer All CRAZEE Now” as in the Slade/Quiet Riot song. Although, when I’m not using the word “Crazee” I use the acronym C.L.A.M, which stands for Collegiate Lesbians Against Megaconglomerates. C.L.A.M is a group of “left wing lipstick lesbos” protesting the fast food joint The American Chicken Bunker. This particular Bunker franchise in Tromaville is accused of cruelty to animals, and to make matters worse, it’s also built on an ancient Indian burial ground. Lloyd Kaufman is the only director in the world who could fry up a masterpiece with that kind of plot.
After some cemetery sex with her, Arbie, our main man, learns that his girlfriend Wendy has turned lesbian. She’s now hooking up with Micki (named for McDonald’s perhaps?) who’s the A #1 C.L.A.M. In retaliation, Arbie decides to take a job as a lowly employee at the American Chicken Bunker in order to win Wendy back from the clutches of C.L.A.M. In the meantime, there’s ooey-gooey zombie chicken eggs hatching out of people’s asses! Zombie chickens are hatching and attempting to maul anything in their path. They begin to terrorize Tromaville, and more specifically, the Chicken Bunker that resides on the ancient Tromahawk cemetery.
Poultrygeist includes more fast food references than you can shake a BK chicken fry at. In addition to Arbie and Wendy, the other employees at the American Chicken Bunker are named after fast food joints also. There’s Denny, Paco Bell, and Carl Jr, who basically shoves his dong into an uncooked chicken carcass and makes sweet love to the filthy beast. While the scene lacks the Eugene Levy-whimsy of the kitchen masturbation scene in American Pie, Carl Jr would easily rip Jason Biggs testicles right off if he knew he was banging warm apple pies instead of indulging his little piece into the wild, untamed world of cold, uncooked, chicken coitus.
I couldn’t believe I was watching the first ever musical, fast food, horror-romance unfold before my eyes. Poultrygeist is a disturbing but delicious marriage of movies like Fast Food Nation and Night of the Living Dead. SEE IT, for the sole reason that it will leave you with an indelible, unrepairable, artery clogging, strange sensation…and it may also make you want to puke. For the best in Zombie chicken orgies, over the top humor, gore, blood spurting decapitation, and disembowelment, see Poultrygeist! You’ll never look at a guy in a chicken costume in the same way again.

NAME THE SEXY ARMPIT GIRL CONTEST!!!

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The Sexy Armpit’s MONSTROUS HALLOWEEN PRIZE PACK is now up for grabs!!!

This is all you have to do:
1) Help me come up with a NAME for the hot chick on the top left of this screen, you know, the one wearing The Sexy Armpit T-Shirt, the one leaning up against a Turnpike sign covered in sludge, YES that one! I need to come with a name for her. It could be anything from Anastasia to Suzie, or from Margath to Mercedes. If you’re the winner, I can’t say that I will definitely wind up using the name you submit, but it will definitely help narrow my choices! The sexier and skankier, the better!! Remember, this is the type of girl you want to receive a lapdance from. That is…after she cleans off all that Jersey gunk. Or she can keep it on if that’s your bag. I don’t want to read any names like Mary, Kate, or Ashley. Try to give me some that even my outlandish mind wouldn’t think of! If you feel like throwing in some that will make me chuckle, feel free! Have some fun with it! REMEMBER, she’s a Jersey Girl!
2) E-mail your choice/choices to sexyarmpit@comcast.net
3) One winner will be selected and they’ll take home THE SEXY ARMPIT’S MONSTROUS HALLOWEEN PRIZE PACK!!! 
The prize pack consists of:
A Very Limited Edition Sexy Armpit T-Shirt!!! Very few were printed up since I literally had to take out a second mortgage just to pay for them.
TWO (count ’em 2!) FREE PASSES to MONSTER MINI GOLF! The folks at Monster Golf were nice enough to send over some giveaways after they saw my review and You Tube montage that I made! Monster Mini Golf is an indoor glow in the dark 18-hole mini golf course with locations all over the country. The passes are good at all locations.
Jack O’Lantern DVD – The worst movie of all time. Perfect watch with your friends while you’re drinking. DVD is brand new, bought specifically for this contest so some unsuspecting soul could be dragged into the depths of MOVIE HELL just like I was when I watched this piece of crap.

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.10: What NOT to Watch This Halloween: Dark Ride

I should’ve known that any movie the Sci-Fi Channel airs that’s not an established classic usually sucks ass. I wish I would’ve watched their presentation of After Dark Films 8 Films to Die For: Dark Ride (2006) before I unwittingly purchased the DVD.
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I admit I was enticed by hearing that there was finally a horror movie about a Dark Ride. Who doesn’t love Dark Rides? If it was up to me, when you walk into my condo you’re automatically invited onto a boat and take a dark ride through the place. The only catch is that the only way to get around the condo is to take the dark ride. I’d wake up in the morning with my pajamas on and my eyes half shut and take the boat over to the bathroom. I’d do my thing, wash my face, and then hop on again over to the kitchen for breakfast as I narrowly escape some robotic monsters trying to kill me. What? It’s time to go to work? This boat is damn slow and we aren’t even passed the walking corpses and the Pinhead animatronic display! I hope I make it to the front door in time! I know, I know…keep my feet and hands in the ride at all times. Forget that, we can do it cartoon style and I wouldn’t even have to take a real shower anymore. I’d hop on the boat and have water jets and soap spray me down after I go through the Dr. Satan exhibit. Shit, I may as well make the upstairs into a fountain of youth ride. Anything’s possible in dark rides, except for making a good movie about them.

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Now that’s acting!


Jamie Lynn Sigler was the real grabber for me in this one. I think her performance would’ve resonated more if she video conferenced all her scenes in from her bedroom at home. Her work on The Sopranos is masterful and glorious compared to the hack job she turned in on this film. What a mess! I’m usually a fan of really bad movies like this one, especially of the horror genre, but so much of this movie let me down. It seems like the casting folks on this film tried to get Sigler because of her eternal connection to her starring role as the daughter of a mob boss from New Jersey.

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Now that’s acting!

Being a lifelong native of New Jersey, I was excited to see that the movie was based in Asbury Park. The dark ride itself was in a haunted house on the boardwalk. One dark and spooky night a bunch of “meddling kids” broke into the attraction to pull a prank on Jamie Lynn Sigler’s cheating boyfriend. But as it turns out, there’s a killer on the loose that lives inside the Dark Ride! How much more dull can we be here? The male stars are actually the better actors in the film and that isn’t saying much.

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Now that’s acting!

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Now that’s acting!

Oh, and if you thought I was too harsh on Sigler’s performance, you have no clue what you’re in for with David Clayton Rogers performance. Here’s another idiot that thinks he’ll get further in his career if he has 2 first names. This kid redefines that old addage “don’t quit your day job.” Before he decided to become an actor I heard he would sneak into public ladies rooms and steal the money out of tampon machines. What a dick! That money benefits autistic children, doesn’t he know that? Despitef his previous career as a complete loser, someone actually let him be an actor. The fact that Hollywood is still letting him practice this craft is completely beyond me. I hope and pray to the Gods of Film that I never have to witness an atrocity such as David Clayton Rogers ever again. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t wish anything bad to happen to him, I just wish that he would realize he sucks and try his luck at another career. Isn’t there a Jack in the Box or a Carl’s Jr. you can work at?

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OK, I feel like I’m being too harsh. Dark Ride does have some redeemable qualities but what stunk most about this film is that it could’ve been so much more. Being from Jersey, I was blessed with some of the best haunted houses and dark rides ever. Take Castle Dracula in Wildwood or the haunted castle at Six Flags Great Adventure for instance would make great stories. Because of lame producers, filmmakers are constantly dumbing things down. This movie is not one that a fanboy, or an X-E fan would enjoy.

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After feeling guilty that they didn’t film in Jersey,
they flew their film crew to quickly take some footage of Asbury Park and The Stone Pony
Why didn’t the producers hire Weird NJ to hop on as consultants? Let’s talk urban legends, local myths, etc. Any film about the Jersey Devil has sucked and now they’re sucking any coolness out of dark rides from Jersey as well! C’mon…The Jersey Shore used to be famous for it’s haunted houses! It’s interesting to note that the majority of this movie wasn’t even filmed in New Jersey, but in Los Angeles and at the Santa Monica Pier. That’s most likely because it’s so damn expensive to film in Jersey.

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Horror Freak from Oregon on IMDB claims that he didn’t see the twist at the end coming at all. I think he may just be completely out of his mind. This was the most predictable movie, possibly as predictable as a Full House episode. I hate this movie so much, if I keep writing about it, I don’t think I’m ever going to want to blog again. So in an attempt to save my hobby from the clutches of the evil movie Dark Ride, my little boat ride stops here.

Jersey Boy Makes Good…Porn!

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And now…get lubed up for The Sexy Armpit’s “long” and amusing Interview with Mike Zute!

ARMPIT: You’ve heard of the old cliché “Jack of all trades” right? Well meet the “Jackhammer of all trades” Mike Zute. (www.MikeZute.com) He’s a music writer, producer, and performer who also somehow has time to make adult films and run a XXX site. So Mike, you head up a successful N.J band, you write songs, you photograph women, and produce your own porn films for sale at (www.NaughtyZuteGirls.com). How the hell do you juggle all those jugs…uhh..I mean jobs?

ZUTE: Jugs, Grapefruits, Melons, Knockers… I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing half the time! Seriously, It’s a true test of organization. And my theory of “If I want to do something then I will do it”… Instead of sitting around wondering what it would be like to have a rock band and a porn site; I spend every spare minute planning and executing my next actions in those said endeavors… Working a day job adds some stress, but the added income eases the stress in the finances needed for these ZUTE projects.

ARMPIT: Mike, are you a lifelong New Jersey native? Some visitors to this site think that my blog is called The Sexy Armpit because I’m into some wacky fetish, but that’s not the case. It’s all about defending the Garden State from all it’s detractors. Quick… off the top of your head…(not that head!) tell us 3 things you love about Jersey. OK, I know it’s hard since there’s so much negative crap so I’ll cut you slack. Give me 2 and then if you can think of 3 I’ll give you an extra website plug lol.

ZUTE: Yes, I was born, raised, and dropped on my head a few times in Jersey! 3 things: #1- The Jersey Shore. I go there a few times every summer. I love to body surf the waves, check out the hot chicks on the beach, and try not to get sunburn. #2- The New York Giants, who play in E. Rutherford, NJ. #3- Great Italian Restaurants and Pizzerias, even though I can’t eat too much cheese because it’s bad for my singing voice!

ARMPIT: Ding Ding Ding…We have a WINNER! www.naughtyzutegirls.com. An erotic convention was supposed to take place in Secaucus NJ recently but the town voted to keep it out of the Meadowlands convention center. Now, it’s slated to take place in Edison NJ. Can you elaborate to the readers of The Sexy Armpit about how ridiculous this is especially because 25 miles away over in Manhattan it wouldn’t be a problem.

ZUTE: An unfortunate failure with Jersey is that a lot of our state’s people are socially retarded and behind the times. Some people still think criminals and child molesters run the porn industry. It’s so the opposite. I basically self taught myself the legalese in this biz, and it was like I put myself through a Law School class. The adult biz is so regulated now, that if you are not an honest, intelligent producer with organized records, the Feds will close down your site / business in no time. Back to the question, The expo can’t offend anyone because it is closed to the general public. You have to pay an admission and “want to be offended” in order to enter. The City of Secaucus loses out on the income they would have made.

ARMPIT: You recently were hanging with Ron Jeremy at an “adult film” convention. Do you feel like you really made it after experiencing that?

ZUTE: I don’t feel as if I’ve “made it” big in the Porn world. I’m just glad I’m good enough (at producing, acting, editing, and promoting) to still be involved in it. A similar feeling drives me to keep it up with my rock band. Ha ha ha, I said “keep it up”!

ARMPIT: Did you always want to get into making porn films or is this something that you just stumbled onto?

ZUTE: Wow, I could go on forever w/ this one. Somewhere around the middle 90’s I started considering it. After the Tommy Lee / Pam Anderson film came out in the later 90’s, I became seriously interested. Seeing how a popular musician and actress boosted their publicity (& income) with a simple amateur sex tape was very inspiring. By the time I had enough funds saved, learned the legal biz factors, and researched potential models, it was 2003. I started making films that year. This was before I even knew how to edit films or how to design a website… (I do have an engineering degree from NJIT, so when I kick myself in the ass, I can really learn and accomplish things.) Anyhow, I also was busy preparing the first lineup of the ZUTE band to play out, so I was stressed to the max. My guitarist at the time kept asking me to let him see some of my porn films… I planned to eventually release this stuff, and I unfortunately trusted him with a copy. He quit the band soon afterward in Summer 2004. He owned the band website domain, so he wanted me to pay him $3000 for the domain name… When I said no way, he published a clip of me getting a blow job (from Isabel) on that site, and he posted all these ridiculous defamatory lies on the screen. Word gets around quick that I’m in an adult film. When I threatened to get the Feds after him for U.S.C. 2257 violations he took the site down. Seeing the hits the site got, I was more upset that I got no income from this! Instead of suing him, I put all my efforts into getting my ZuteGirl Models plan in action. (With the web design help of my new guitarist, Cory) I posted the semi nude Strip down pics of the ZuteGirls on the new band website (MikeZute.com) in early 2005. The goal was to keep the semi nude pics on the ZUTE band site and then put a link to the adult site once I finished designing it. But, too many female fans of the band complained about semi nude pics of chicks on the band’s website. I even put comical semi nude pics of myself on there to draw more attention. The focus was taken away from the music, so I agreed w/ my band members to remove the semi nude pictures, and just keep the “nice” (clothed) Zute Girl pictures on the Band website. I immediately posted some of the semi nude chicks on myspace.com/mikezute… Finally, a few months later in 2005 www.NaughtyZuteGirls.com went live. I put a link to it from the “Nice” ZuteGirls pics page on the band website, which also has its own domain http://www.zutegirls.com/. Simple answer, eh?

ARMPIT: I’ve seen some of your work and I appreciate the unorthodox way you direct your films. You put the girls in little sketches and talk to them in a laid back interview atmosphere. I dig it. Have all the girls said “your command is my wish” or has there been instances where they gave you a hard time about not wanting to do something you asked?

ZUTE: Good Questions. A lot of girls were surprised by the respectful laid back interview. More than once a girl has said to me: “Ok, is this an interview where I’m supposed to say I’m 18, I’ve never been filmed before, I’m a whore and all I ever want to do is suck cock?” Once I tell a girl “No, it’s a real interview and you can say whatever the hell you want,” then she is usually more into the rest of the session because I treated her like a human being. She is now at ease. Once we get to the sex, she is more comfortable with me and performs much more naturally… In terms of the skits, some girls have added input on changing their lines… I am open minded, so if I like her idea, then I let her roll with it…. As far as sex, I’ve had complete cooperation thus far. I haven’t made any girls do any painful positions. So, I’m not sure how they’d react if I was very adamant about an uncomfortable position…

ARMPIT: Before her death last year you featured Haley Paige in one of your films, can you tell us a little about your experience working with her, and how did you feel after hearing of her death?

ZUTE: The stories about her personality are no lie. She really was a sweetheart. She actually showed up late to the session for “Lost Cell Phones Ep #5,” but was very apologetic. She was very easy to work with, and didn’t give me any attitude problems whatsoever. She was calm and collective with a positive attitude throughout the shoot. She liked working the camera on Harmony & I, and she looked forward to directing films in the future. I was very shocked upon hearing about her death. Mostly because she seemed like a girl who was in control of her life. She did not show signs of someone with a drug problem…. How did she end up with that loser who ultimately ended up killing her? (Or if he didn’t directly kill her, he influenced her to get involved with the junk… Wang Dang Dong or whatever the fuck his name is?) I don’t understand…

ARMPIT: You feature some really hot chicks on your site www.NaughtyZuteGirls.com. My favorite happens to be Pamela. Have you ever caught feelings for any of the actresses your working with?

ZUTE: Yeah, Madison Bijou James stands out a lot… She was just so down to earth and took great interest in my original concept, which was to combine modeling and porn in a fun atmosphere… She even sent me a “Thank you for the fuck film” card a few days after that shoot in 11/2004. She has since stopped doing porn and recently had her 2nd kid. She lives in Colorado. Naudia Rio, was really sweet also. Most girls were really cool. Pamela was a little stuck up, because she knew her popularity was growing. There was a different Canadian Chick named Ocean who was a real bitch… Other than her, all the ZuteGirls are really cool.

ARMPIT: Are all your friends and bandmates jealous of you that you get to be with all these hot chicks?

ZUTE: Well first off, I will say that the ex guitarist (who hijacked the first Zute Band website) thought he would destroy both my music and porn careers by posting slanderous crap. He probably did that out of jealousy: The ZUTE band was doing much better without him, and he is way too unattractive to do porn. My success is the best form of revenge against him and other various detractors. Otherwise, my current band mates and male friends have been very cool about my Zute Girl endeavors. If anything, they just joke around about it. I try not to talk about my porn experiences, unless someone specifically asks… On another tangent of this question, I am dating a girl who is very jealous of the ZuteGirl models and wants me to stop doing porn. (Even though she knew I did this before we got sexually involved.)… So, I don’t know what else to say!

ARMPIT: JAY + LACIE HEART = Can you make it happen? Christmas is coming up you know!

ZUTE: If it were only that easy! And she is smokin’ hot! Seriously, I’m only making about 4 films / year, so I’m not consistently working with any one model or modeling agent… Only the huge porn companies have that kind of wealth and power… I’m still the “little guy”, right now. When I get aroused it becomes a slightly bigger little guy…

ARMPIT: If one decides against purchasing the Video On Demand through the site and opts for an old school DVD, Are there Easter eggs on the DVDs? Any cool mysterious hidden crap on there?

ZUTE: I put Original ZUTE band demos in the first few I sold… But then it became tedious and time consuming with the whole process… But now I’ve seen less of DVD sales and much more VOD / (pay per minute) sales… That is definitely the future of the industry.

ARMPIT: Have you developed a trademark sex move or saying? Any crazy upside down shit or anything (i.e. the zute shuffle or the zutinator?)

ZUTE: No trademark move yet, but you’ve got the ideas flowing! In terms of sayings, I’ve been over using the word “indeed” for years… Also, I think at some point in the sex scene of every film I end up saying “You’re such a Naughty Zute Girl.” It seems cliché, but it does fit at the time…. (Of course in my upper head, during sex, I’m often calculating batting averages, trying to remember song lyrics, and mentally reciting the Greek alphabet. Those are my favorite ways to prevent cumming too early!)

ARMPIT: I’ll have to keep those in mind. Or I’ll think of Man-At-Arms banging Oprah Winfrey. The following definitions are taken directly from Urban Dictionary. com. Just as they ask visitors to give a thumbs up and thumbs down to rate the accuracy of each definition can you provide your expert opinion as to the accuracy of these?

1) Another name for a marijuana joint. When its contents are purely cannabis (without any tobacco to pad it out)
ZUTE: maybe

2) marijuana which is grinded so it is thinner so it is easier to smoke. orr half or that zute mate! ZUTE: maybe

3) To be beyond retarded while intoxicated or high
ZUTE: the closest indeed!

ZUTE: I always felt the slang definition of “Zuted” was to be high in good style. Number 3 is a bit extreme on the definition, but hey, if it works for the general public, then fine. Also, I’ve heard that a marijuana joint laced w/ PCP in the 1970’s was referred to as a “Zootie.” Actually, there are other factors that go into why I use the name ZUTE. It sounds a little bit like my last name… Also, in Monty Python, there was a funny scene with the “bad Zute girl.”

ARMPIT: And finally, can you give us any insight to what’s in store for the future of your films? Any spoilers you could give us?

ZUTE: The first anal penetration I’ve performed on film was on Trina Michaels in a threesome film along with Mindy Main. That will be released by late this year or early next year. Also, I’ve produced films of girls doing solo masturbation w/ dildo. I might eventually add another person to work the camera, aside from the girls, the tripod, and me… As far as plots, I already have a different story line from “Lost Cell Phones”, but I won’t count out new Episodes of that series from “popping up” once in while.
Thanks for talking to The Sexy Armpit, Mike! Go check out Mike’s various endeavors, they’re Zutarific! Be sure to visit the adult site at: http://www.naughtyzutegirls.com/ . See Zute the Band playing gigs all over New Jersey! Head over to http://www.mikezute.com/ and
www.Myspace.com/mikezute for more info!