Sludge Central

The Toxic Avenger Musical Review

Posted on October 13, 2008 by sexyarmpit

DANGER: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS HAZARDOUS CHEMICALS!

NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J – A musical version of Troma’s classic cult film The Toxic Avenger made it’s debut at the George Street Playhouse on Friday night October 10th 2008, and The Sexy Armpit crashed the premiere party. OK, so we didn’t crash, they actually let us come. I’ve never seen a play on the George Street stage, but as I crossed the street and saw flood lights and a huge Toxie billboard, I knew they were providing a fitting reception for Troma’s first son Toxie. My imagination was sparked before I even made my way into the building. Instead of a red carpet, a black carpet covered the ground and stairs leading up to the entrance. The carpet was splattered with bright green “sludge” and boot prints as if Toxie walked into the playhouse just before I did. It’s the cool little details that impress me.

After having a wacky conversation with creator and director of Troma films, Lloyd Kaufman, my colleague Big Sal (formerly of ECW) and I got our tickets ripped, sat our asses down, and then just let the anticipation and excitement fester until showtime. Apprehension came over me as I worried how a musical version of the cult classic The Toxic Avenger would turn out. Was there a need for a Toxic Avenger musical? Hell yes! Toxic Avenger is a well known character but mostly with fan boys and the cult film obsessed folks. Toxie is finally getting his due.

“This is disturbing…”
“This is disturbing…”
“This is disturbing…”

“This is disturbing,” an older woman sitting behind me whispered at least four times. She felt the need to announce her declaration to the people on her left and right. The play was only a few minutes underway and I felt like showing her what was disturbing! I suppose she had no clue what kind of images were in store for her as the tale of Toxie unfolded. Was she at all familiar with the first superhero from New Jersey? Would she be even more appalled when she realized that people would be maimed and beaten with their own limbs on stage? Would she be aghast at the blind jokes? Had she ever lived a moment of her stuffy life as an outcast? Could she related to Melvin Ferd the 3rd’s feelings of rejection? I would soon find out. Although, I can bet that this minuscule piece of glowing, radioactive pop culture has no place in her hoity-toity lifestyle. Toxie was made for us, not them!

The George Street Playhouse, thanks to it’s stadium style seating, enables everyone in the house to enjoy an unobstructed view of the stage. The set, designed by Beowulf Boritt, was adorned with vats of fuming toxic chemicals and an old beat up turnpike sign. The sign warned the audience they were no longer in New Brunswick, but Exit 13, Tromaville. The set atmosphere made me feel like I was in a comic book and it was the perfect combination of gross and eerie. Thankfully the show did not rely on over the top special effects, but there were plenty of sight gags, costume changes, and a revolving set piece in the middle of the stage that helped suspend our disbelief. My attention was fixed on the infinitely talented actors who dazzled the stage. The full band was ready to rock as the actors seized the spotlight.

A guy coughs from the awful fumes rising from the NJ turnpike while a nun prays “Who will save New Jersey?” From the looks of it, we actually do need a savior! The once beautiful Tromaville is being polluted by New York City and the corrupt mayor is to blame. Meanwhile the geeky Melvin Ferd the 3rd is in love with a cute blonde and blind librarian named Sara. Melvin stumbles upon the Mayor’s plans that could further ruin the environment and the Mayor’s career if they were released. The Mayor instructs her thugs to “get the geek,” but it backfires after they drop him into a vat of toxic chemicals. Melvin emerges deformed and oozing with toxic neon green sludge. Makes you want to think twice about moving to Jersey, huh? Hence, New Jersey’s first superhero is born, The Toxic Avenger! Toxie plans on dethroning the corrupt Mayor and eliminating pollution from the Garden State. Minor details of the original film were altered in order to modernize the story. Although, If you’re a hardcore Toxie fan, don’t worry you won’t be disappointed! Live theater is usually the perfect venue to see some stellar performances but on this night, there was an air of magic. It was obvious that the players were enthusiastic about there roles and there were no “I can’t believe I’m doing this” attitudes.

Deformed and doused in sludge, was Nick Cordero as he bravely took on the main role of the geeky Melvin Ferd the Third and the legendary superhuman Toxic Avenger. The Mayor of Tromaville proclaims him a terrorist, even though he’s trying to rid New Jersey of it’s toxic waste. Cordero’s performance as Toxie at times recalled the despondence of the Phantom in Phantom of the Opera as well as the zealous and fiery performance of Sebastian Bach several years ago in Broadway’s Jekyll & Hyde. The operatic rock songs flourished thanks to Cordero’s rousing, dynamic voice. Toxie even made his way into the audience during “Everybody Dies.” I thought the lady behind me would have a coronary.

Nancy Opel’s (Urinetown) performance is truly dazzling as she takes on double duty playing Melvin’s mother as well as the Mayor of Tromaville. As Melvin’s mother she’s noticeably disgusted at how he can never get anything right. Even when her son becomes a toxic monster she wonders “Could you at least put your left eyeball where it’s supposed to be?” It was apparent that Opel sunk her teeth into this role especially during a fun and frantic scene where Toxie’s mom and the Mayor have a run in (It‘s impossible!). It’s a scene right out of a Three’s Company episode. There were plenty of winks at the audience like the moment where the Mayor’s searching for Melvin and claims “I’ll find him, I know his mother.” Watch out for Opel and Demond Green’s steamy performance of “Evil is Hot,” it was so freakin’ hot!

Certain actors are born performers while others hone their skills, and chip away in a never-ending attempt to be great. Audra Blaser (Bandidas) is a born performer. Her portrayal of the innocent, blind librarian Sara, love interest of Toxie, proved to be a highlight of the play. How can that snooty lady behind me get offended at blind jokes when such an adorable, and refreshing actress is the butt of them? I was surprised by Blaser’s knack for comedy which obviously didn’t pass by the casting director’s radar either. Not only is Sara funny but also compassionate as she wonders why Toxie isn‘t mauling her: “If you’re gay, we can still be best friends and watch American Idol together.” I’m glad the casting folks stayed true to the original characters. Blaser showed no signs of worry, although she had some pretty big shoes to fill since the role of Sara previously belonged to some of the quirkiest, and offbeat actresses including Andree Maranda, Phoebe Legere, and Heidi Sjursen. The dreamy Blase was joined by Demond Green and David Josefsberg during the song “My Big French Boyfriend” which was possibly the funniest moment in entire the show.

The sentence “As black dude and white dude, Demond Green and David Josefsberg are quite versatile actors” holds the record for BIGGEST understatement of all time. I don’t think I can count how many different characters these two guys appeared as. Whether they were guys, girls, thugs, Springsteen wannabes, or hairdressers, they were thoroughly entertaining and proved to be an immense force of comic relief.

Having two famous Jersey guys on the writing staff didn’t hurt a bit. Joe DiPietro (I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change) wrote the book and lyrics while David Bryan (keyboardist of Bon Jovi) wrote music and lyrics to this rocking musical. The ingenious songs proved to be the productions’ throbbing, slimy nucleus. You’ll only need to experience the show once and you’ll realize they’re just as memorable and catchy as songs from the soundtracks of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Little Shop of Horrors. I want the songs on my iPod already! I’ve probably been to almost 50 live theater performances in my life and the minority of them featured songs that I would actually think of listening to elsewhere. This exuberant soundtrack has joined the minority!

Toxic Avenger the Musical was directed by Tony Award winning director John Rando (Urinetown). Props (no pun intended) to another Jersey native John Dods for creating superb special effects and prosthetics. Dods has worked on some of my favorite films and TV shows including Monsters ‘88-‘91, Ghostbusters II, and Black Roses!

The spirit of Lloyd Kaufman’s film making style was ever present. Judging by this show, you don’t need a cast of hundreds to put on a successful and entertaining production. Perhaps other productions can take a lesson from The Toxic Avenger (or they should read Lloyd Kauffman’s book All I Need to Know About Filmmaking I Learned from the Toxic Avenger). In this case, improvising is the catalyst for some of the musical’s best moments. For the true Toxie fans, you’ll see nods to the original series like when Toxie slam dunks some thugs severed head. In another signature Toxie move, he pulls open his pants to check out how the size of his manhood mushroomed! I’m sure Sara will be pleased!

The Toxic Avenger musical completely squashed my apprehensions with it’s outlandish fun. In classic New Jersey fashion, the audience gave a raucous standing ovation while clapping and rocking out. Expect your cheeks to hurt from laughing and your eyes to be glued to the stage. At the end of the show, for the first time in my life I wanted to be doused in some of that hazardous neon green ooze emitting from the marshes of Exit 13. Oh, and if you’re at all like that woman sitting behind me, then stay home and watch Masterpiece Theater or I may toss your big old pretentious ass into a bubbling vat of toxic sludge!

CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION AND TO PURCHASE TICKETS

Photos displayed above from The Toxic Avenger Musical by David Saint and T.Charles Erickson.

Now here’s some photos from the Premiere Party!

Nick Cordero (Toxie!) and The Sexy Armpit.com

Nancy Opel (Mayor/Mom) and The Sexy Armpit.com

The Sexy Armpit.com and Audra Blaser (Sara)

Demond Green and The Sexy Armpit.com

David Bryan of Bon Jovi and Jay Amabile

Lloyd Kaufman, Sal, The Sexy Armpit.com

Rock and Roll All Nite and Scooby Every Doo!

Posted on October 12, 2008 by sexyarmpit

For me, one of the appealing nuances of Scooby Doo was how the show incorporated reality by featuring real life guest celebrities. The Scooby Doo movies captured that idea superbly featuring everyone from the Monkees’ Davy Jones to Sonny & Cher. More recently, the episode of What‘s New Scooby New, “A Scooby Doo Halloween” features KISS’ Paul Stanley lending his voice to an animated version of himself. The gang is on another adventure in the Mystery Machine when Shaggy explains how excited he can’t wait to be “Rockin’ with KISS.”

Here KISS is playing a masquerade ball in honor of Banning Junction’s 100th anniversary. The animated KISS performs “Shout It Out Loud” which naturally gets interrupted by a wacky ghost chase.

ACE: What should we do?
PAUL: What we always do, keep playin ’til the cops come!

Shaggy: Im going to ask Paul Stanley to sign my forehad!
Scooby: Me too!

The gang also has a run in with some rabid robotic pumpkin headed scarecrows who shoot flames from their eyeholes and wield sickles!

Scooby certainly has other quasi-KISS ties. While “the phantom” in the episode of The Scooby Doo Show entitled “The Diabolical Disc Demon” isn’t referred to as Gene Simmons, his appearance is blatantly similar. Think of him as Gene Simmons with flaming hair and an Evel Knievel costume.

The gang goes to watch their friend Jimmy Lewis record in the studio at Decade records. They find out that songwriter Tony Signs has disappeared. He mysteriously left a song behind that he wrote.

FRED: What’s this about a phantom Jimmy?
JIMMY: It’s just a legend Fred. Something about a ghostly musician who wanders these
corridors seeking vengeance against those who ruined his career.

Even though he’s simply referred to as “The Phantom,” I can’t help but think about how KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM OF THE PARK was also produced by Hanna Barbera. Did they have a hard on for KISS or what? How much ass would a Hanna Barbera KISS cartoon kick? I know I sure as hell wouldn’t mind watching one right now.

Here “The Phantom” looks like he’s doing the Ickey Shuffle until he’s found out to be washed up glam rocker Ace Decade. As for Scooby, a paper airplane made from sheet music saved his ass this time.

Double Whammy

Posted on October 11, 2008 by sexyarmpit

I’m sick and my computer is sick. I’m rarely sick but I have a horrible sore throat and a few other symptoms, but more importantly, my pc has been hijacked by a file that my virusscan and Ad aware can’t get rid of. I have several awesome updates coming your way so I’m going to have call upon the God of Thunder, Gene Simmons himself to annihilate these unwanted programs.

Off to review another haunted house in NYC tonite…

Man on a Marshmallow Mission: Pumpkins and Pals Beware!

Posted on October 9, 2008 by sexyarmpit

When you hear the term “Man on a Mission,” I’m 99.9% sure that the former WWF trio of Mabel, Oscar, and Mo doesn’t spring immediately to your mind. A man on a mission is ME when I’m in the grocery store, or any store for that matter.

“I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda”
Shannon Hamilton (Ben Affleck) “The Asshole from Fashionable Male” – Mallrats

I’d hate to fall into the category of a person who is respected by Shannon from Mallrats, but, yes I usually have a shopping agenda. I don’t quite live in a bustling city like Manhattan, but the traffic and headaches here are sometimes just as easy to come by. Going to some of the grocery stores and superstores like Target and Wal-Mart drives me nuts. It’s rarely a pleasant experience even though I’d like it to be. On one occasion, I drove to Wal-Mart for a poster frame and then realized there’s no good parking spots, carts are banging into cars, and when I finally got a spot, someone tried starting shit with me saying it was their spot. This isn’t even the holidays!

Once in the store, I become the Terminator and set my infrared sights to pinpoint exactly what I came to get. Oh, who am I kidding? I get sidetracked so easily. Seeing Batman Underoos stops me in my tracks. I think if I had the money I’d just buy anything with my favorite characters on it. After spending an hour and probably somewhere in the range of $100, I realize I need to get the fuck out or suffer more monetary and mental damage. I’m sure I also had some irreparable damage to my ear drums considering it’s so damn loud in these stores with all of the screaming, crying, whiny kids. I love kids, truthfully, but they go ballistic if you don’t tell them you’ll buy them every thing in the store.

Even when I’m at a higher level store like Wegmans, difficulties still hinder me from shopping with ease. When the hell are grocery stores going to hire a traffic cop and build shopping cart highways? So many people have no idea how to handle a shopping cart. Some folks are actual adults and senior citizens believe it or not! You’d think they’d be experts at handling themselves in a store after shopping for 40 some odd years. People don’t move when they see others trying to get through, and certain people think that NO ONE IS EVER BEHIND THEM! Go a little bit faster people! You don’t have to run the New York City Marathon or anything, but damn, not everyone is retired and taking leisurely strolls through stores “just to see what pops out at them.” Remember, get out of my way…I’m on a mission!

When I actually made my way through all the congestion and literally cursed my way through the fresh baked bread line, I finally attempted check out. This part is the biggest joke ever. Not only have I actually seen a person almost get kicked out of the store because they went to the 10 items or less line with well over 10 items, but a middle aged angry woman cut in front of me in line and then yelled at me saying “I was next…you can’t cut in front of me!” Just get me out of this hellish place! These people are out of their minds. I just need to buy my Marshmallow Monsters, and a couple of friggin’ chocolate pumpkins and get my ass out of here!

A few days ago I finally decided to try Hershey’s milk chocolate covered marshmallow pumpkin. I think I had a brainfart because when I got home I realized I thought I bought the Reese’s pumpkins, but I was happy I didn’t…at least my health was. These Hershey’s pumpkins aren’t that bad for you so you won’t feel too guilty indulging. Even us “adults” need to relish in some Halloween candy once in a while. I haven’t trick or treated in about 16 years so this will have to suffice. Making it through the store excursions alive was scary enough.

I tore open the package to see a hunk of chocolate that did not resemble a pumpkin, more like a half a fig covered in chocolate. It didn’t matter though, because once my teeth ripped into the soft marshmallow center I was sold. The pumpkin was tasty, I must say. The marshmallow filling was actually quite smooth and more on the creamy side. It wasn’t that styrofoamy type of marshmallow you get in a Moon Pie or Scooter Pie, this had substance. The texture and taste was pretty close to that of Fluff.

If you are the type of person who watches what they eat, then I highly recommend the Hershey’s marshmallow pumpkin as treat for Halloween. I didn’t see a dark chocolate version in the store, which I would’ve rather had but with 3.5 grams of fat and NO cholesterol, you won’t feel too guilty.

Hand made Marshmallow Pals are my new best friends! I don’t remember seeing a package of “hand made” candy in a long time. I picked these up at a $5 Below store, who always seem to have tons of candy. As it turns out, there was several different varieties of “hand made” candy in the store but the Marshmallow Pals really caught my eye. They had that special something. At first glance I knew these were going to be mine. Inside the individually wrapped packages were Frankenstein, Dracula, The Witch, and we’ll call him Mr. Pumpkin. They were all happy to finally get a breath of fresh air after spending so much time wrapped in their cellophane.

They looked so appetizing, especially Dracula and Frankenstein for some reason. I was impressed by the details like the semi-hard icing that made up the hair on the witch and Drac, Frankie’s bolts, and the pumpkin’s vine. Admiring those details didn’t last very long since I beheaded all of them! The Marshmallow Pals basically tasted like Peeps but these seemed a bit sweeter, possibly from the aforementioned hard icing.

Sorry I ate you my little mavericky Marshmallow Pals! And now that I can’t hear, I have no money, and my eyes are crossing thanks to all the bright lights and cool shit…it’s finally time to go home and enjoy the rest of my booty.

OK So, The Invisible Man, Frankenstein, and Dracula walk into a Diner…

Posted on October 8, 2008 by sexyarmpit

Aren’t you sick of hearing that old joke “I read Playboy for the articles?” I’m sure as hell sick of it! If you’ve ever looked at Playboy, then you know it’s fine journalism is actually what sets it apart from any other “adult” magazine. As far as I’m concerned, if you’re a journalist, writing for Playboy is the pinnacle of success. In the world of adult periodicals, in Playboy you’ll not only find classy women sans clothes, excellent movie and product reviews, but also some of the most playful, smart, and vibrant illustrations. Here’s to adopting the new cliche “Playboy: I look at it for the illustrations!”

The October 2006 issue of Playboy featured a parody of Edward Hopper’s 1942 painting Nighthawks. This version replaces the folks in the diner with Universal Monsters. Nighthawks is a widely parodied painting and it’s concept was used for another iconic pop culture piece of wall art, “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” by Gottfried Helnwein, which depicted Humphrey Bogart, Marilyn Monroe, James Dean, and Elvis Presley sitting in the diner. Savor this illustration because there aren’t many times you’ll be able to scope out a rare moment like this where The Invisible Man, Frankenstein, and Dracula are enjoying a cup o’ Joe together! What do you think they’re discussing?

There’s alot more to come here at The Sexy Armpit’s Halloween Hangout! Within the coming weeks we’ll have a couple of horror film reviews, another haunted house visit, a big contest, and my mission continues to put more Nocturna on the Internet!

At the kickoff of the Halloween Countdown, John Rozum and Wonderful Wonderblog printed “THE” list of blogs participating in this years Halloween festivities. I’m truly mesmerized by the photos, videos, and stories that these bloggers are sharing with all of us! It’s challenging to keep up with all the amazing stuff people are putting up but it’s worth your time to check these sites out. I don’t think there’s another time of the year that this kind of hard work and effort is put into blogging. Halloween really incites our imaginations and conjures up candy sacks full of nostalgia. Art by Bubba Shelby has the complete list on his sidebar and while you’re over there enter his “Face the Question” contest where you’ll be responsible for drawing a new face for The Question! I can’t even draw and I’m thinking of entering, so if any of you have artistic abilities you should enter as well!

Here’s the list:

All Eyes and Ears
Armagideon Time
The Armchair Chef
Art by Bubba Shelby
Azathoth’s Abode on the Plateau of Leng:The Dungeon
Branded in the 80s
Comic Coverage
Cool-Mo-Dee
Creepy Los Angeles
Dave Lowe Design!
Distinctly Jamaican Sounds
Diversions of the Groovy Kind
Dr. K’s 100-Page Super Spectacular
Dr. Squid’s Smorgasbord of Terror!
Drunken Severed Head
Frankensteinia
Franklin Mint
Geek Orthodox
Geektarded
Gothtober
Halloween Addict
Halloween in the Time of Cholera
The Hallowe’en Tree
Harvey’s Midnight Hour
The Holiday Queen
Horror Host Graveyard
The Horrors of it All
House of Wax
Mark Harvey’s World
Mike Segretto
Monsterama
Monster Crazy
Monster Memories
Monster Rally
Monsters and More
Moongem Comics
Mostly Ghostly
Music from the Monster Movies 1950-1969
Musty TV
Music You (Possibly) Won’t Hear Anywhere Else
Neato Coolville
Negative Pleasure
Nostalgia Factory
A Nostalgic Halloween
Oh the Horror
Orange and Black
Para Abnormal
Plaid Stallions
Plastic Pumpkins
Pumpkin Hollow
Pumpkinrot
Random Acts of Geekery
Sailormoms
The Sexy Armpit
Skull a Day
Sweet Skulls
Tales to Astonish
13 Visions
Tikiranch
Trixie’s Treats
Universal Horror Sounds
Valhella
Vinnie Ratolle’s Records
Weird Hollow
Wonderful Wonderblog
X Entertainment

My First Nocturna Mission!

Posted on October 7, 2008 by sexyarmpit

There’s not enough Nocturna on the Internet! I’ve expressed my passion for Nocturna and my desire to see her appear in the next Batman film on this site before, even though my efforts will no doubt be futile.

Now that Autumn is here, the sun has started to go down earlier each day. What better way to greet the night than with the sensual and gothic Batman villain and sexpot, Nocturna, Mistress of the Night? While she’s not the comedic sort like Elvira, they definitely evoke similar qualities in appearance. I’d imagine Nocturna is lighter on her feet than Elvira because she doesn’t have big hair. They’re both ultra pale. Elvira just likes to cake on the makeup, but Nocturna has a legitimate lack of skin pigment. I can’t really say if Nocturna ever wears nipple tassels that she spins around when flailing her boobs during dance numbers, but she does carry herself with quite a Dark Shadows type flair.

Noctura’s sexier than Poison Ivy, especially if you don’t like when Pam makes vines grow up your legs and then tries to hold you captive in her room full of killer cactus and Venus flytraps. (Not that she’s tried that kind of kinky thing on me or anything…) Now, goth chicks on the other hand are a lot of fun and unlike Poison Ivy, they don’t need to shoot you with darts full of love serum to turn you on. All it takes is some pale cleavage and jet black hair, and they’ve got you hooked…much like Bruce Wayne was when in the presence of Nocturna!

Today The Sexy Armpit will take a look at the covers and some panels from Detective Comics #530 and Batman #363. Please, all of you creatures of the night, join me in my Nocturna Mission! We’ll have more Nocturna to follow within the Halloween Countdown!

Why Sammi Curr is Rock’s Chosen Warrior!

Posted on October 5, 2008 by sexyarmpit

Boy did I despise high school and everything about it. I wasn’t quite the outcast that Eddie Weinbauer was (played by Marc Price so brilliantly in Trick or Treat) but in my mind that’s exactly who I would’ve rather been than one of the popular kids or the overachievers. Outcasts aren’t usually the ones who are at the bottom of the food chain in high school, it’s the ones in the middle who don’t understand why everyone needs to be categorized. Throughout my teenage years I walked around with an air of angst. It’s not the most encouraging revelation that you need to adjust to the system and comply to the social norms when you just want to do it your own way. All this really means is that if you want to put on makeup, ripped leather pants, and rock out without anyone telling you that you don’t belong than there’s only one man who can be your saviour:

Reasons why Sammi Curr is Rock’s Chosen Warrior

He WILL rule the Apocalypse. I always had big aspirations in life, but I have zero confidence that Rock will ever choose me as it’s warrior. Instead, I’m probably a shoe in to be one of rock’s great listeners. It actually seems redundant since there’s no one else in the entire universe, except for maybe Darkseid, who could rule the Apocalypse besides Sammi Curr.

One of his biggest fans will always be known to millions as Skippy Handleman, not Ragman. Marc Price will always be known as Skippy, the Keaton’s neighbor, even though his best role was playing outcast Eddie Weinbauer in Trick or Treat. The cool, popular guys are always playing tricks on him and making fun of him so he vows to “nail them.” He’s a Walkman listening, jean jacket wearing, metal kid who’s got a crush on a cute girl named Leslie. She doesn’t even know he exists until he gets locked out of the locker room naked and she feels bad for him. She winds up saving him from drowning at a pool party. Recently, Eddie is back on the market and ready to take on the ladies! Eddie likes to write letters to Sammi Curr, listen to the latest metal, and spends most of his time brooding underneath the stairwell of Lakeridge High School.

Sammi’s not afraid to go on a tirade and “stand up” to the government. The government has labelled rock music “rock pornography” and an investigation is underway. Sammi defends himself to the Senate: “What I am saying here is you cannot legislate morality or music or people’s minds or we’ll bring you down man…WE WILL BRING YOU DOWN!” Dee Snider would be proud!

Curr was banned from playing a concert at his old high school due to his onstage antics being deemed too obscene. You don’t see Jon Bon Jovi getting banned from his old high school. He could probably fuck a goat on stage while he’s singing This Ain’t a Love Song and he’d get a standing ov. I think public forgiveness is based on attractiveness. The public will forgive you if you are good looking. You can go murder your impregnated wife and women will still say “What a shame that he’s such a murdering bastard because he’s a good looking guy.” Yeah, so Scott Peterson was apparently a hunk but we totally outcast and ban Sammi Curr from going back to his high school for french kissing a snake, biting it in two, then drinking its blood on stage. I wouldn’t even deem that indecent, to me that’s endearing! Who doesn’t love themselves some sacrificial snake juice once in a while? C’mon, let’s be honest it’s nothing these overdeveloped high school kids haven’t seen before! F-YOU LAKERIDGE HIGH!

As Billy Joel said, “Only the Good Die Young.” As reported on Eyewitness News, Curr died at the young age of 38 years old in a hotel fire. The amount of hotels he probably trashed and girls he fucked probably eclipses that of any emo band or homosexual brother trio in existence combined…ever.

He will not think twice about holding one of his insane satanic yoga festivals right in your bedroom. Let me tell you, Sammi brings the f’n party! While he’s doing his deep breathing exercises he’ll make you do calisthenics all over the place. You’ll be so hot from the workout that you’ll feel like you’re on fire! The Sammi Curr Satanic Yoga Experience workout DVD is available at finer store’s everywhere such as A&S, Alexander’s, and Bradlees.

He looked badass on the cover of Hit Parader – Even though Hit Parader was derided by various members of the rock and metal community, it was still one of the higher profile metal mags on the shelves. At the time, I always preferred Metal Edge since it was an easier read, informative, and in touch with its audience.

He comes up with witty, lighthearted album names. Arguably the best album in Curr’s discography is playfully titled “Tortures Too Kind.”

Records secret backmasked messages on his records. Many bands have been accused of including backmasked subliminal messages in their recordings such as The Beatles, Zeppelin, Judas Priest, and Slayer, so Curr’s joined an exclusive club.

Scares mothers all over the country. I never minded my father listening to KISS with me, but my mother generally disliked hard rock music. Sammi Curr seems like Satan incarnate when you’re on a strict diet of Rod Stewart, Barbara Streisand, and Dion Demucci.

And he even enrages OZZY! Ozzy gets fired up as his paradoxical evangelist Rev. Aaron Gilstrom. Here’s some of his wisdom about weeding out heavy metal music: “This could kick you off into becoming an absolute pervert!” “What happened to the good old simple love song? ‘I love you’ that’s a good word to use…” “It’s just absolutely sick and bizarre and I’m going to do my utmost best to try and stop it now!”

He can murder people through the TV! Curr even eradicates the “prince of f’n darkness” Ozzy Osbourne with the flick of his wrist! This power is not limited to reaching into the TV, but he can pull them out as well. His superhuman strength allows him to hoist his victims high into the air.

Curr records cassettes that make girls get naked, masturbate, and get killed by a huge slimy demon. That must be some tape! Can I get a copy of that tape? Except for the last part of course! Forget about The Ring, audio casettes were committing murder years before VHS. The victim here was some Lori Loughlin wannabe.

Shoots lightning bolts from his guitar. The next day, Ace Frehley sued for trademark infringement. Naturally, Curr can also harness electricity and shoots it from his fingers as well. He’s in good company with fellow harnessers such as Emperor Palpatine and even Doc Brown who managed to figure out a method of harnessing 1.21 jig watts of electricity. An amazing feat. Oh, and just a warning…you may need to make a trip to Best Buy because he WILL ruin your stereo!

He’s the Jerry Rice of hard rock and heavy metal. Not only can Sammi rock out and shred a solo on his guitar, but he’s also the best wide receiver ever…of guitars that is! Curr can catch a hail Mary guitar pass without even looking!

His onstage spins and jumps rival David Lee Roth’s. Sammi can even do a freakin’ cartwheel while holding his microphone. I bet his prowess can be credited to the late Tony Fields who was a well known choreographer and Solid Gold dancer. I wonder if Sammi Curr is at peace with the fact that he once starred in A Chorus Line?

Legend has it that Sammi beat the shit out of Blackie Lawless to secure the role that was rightfully his, that of Sammi Curr. No one could play Sammi better than Sammi, except possibly Tony Fields!

In a development that rocked Eddie Weinbauer’s world, several months after his death it was revealed that Curr did not record any of the songs he is known for. Unfortunately, just like Milli Vanilli, he lypsynched all of his concerts. Curr’s persuasive manner (read: will shoot you with electricity) convinced Fastway to record songs that he would claim as his own without any monetary retribution. I can’t comment on the accusation that there were any kickbacks to NUKE, the radio DJ from WZLP, but if Gene $immon$ had anything to do with it, I’m sure he was generously compensated.

Sammi kills fuzzy, innocent bears! Douche!

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.9: Sammi Curr’s Waste City Records

Posted on October 4, 2008 by sexyarmpit

Back in the days when “fan mail” actually existed, more specifically, when people actually wrote letters, one Eddie Weinbauer incessantly wrote letters to his idol and rock saviour Sammi Curr. If you’ve never heard of Sammi Curr you need to watch Trick or Treat, an ’80s classic of the horror rock genre. Sammi is an icon of metal and don’t let people tell you he’s a fictional character because Sammi lives within all of your household appliances, especially your stereos. But for some reason, the best way to reach him is through his record label.

If you’re interested in sending fan mail to Sammi, first you’ll need to try and come up with something thought provoking and interesting enough to say to him in order to stand out from the millions of other notes, letters, and boxes of used lingerie that Sammi receives on a daily basis. Let your own personality shine through! When you’re done licking the envelope seductively, spray a spritz of your favorite cologne on the flap, Sammi may enjoy that. Then say a prayer that he actually gets it. Now you’ll have to fill out the front of the envelope.

Oh yes, you wanted the address of Sammi Curr at his record label:

Sammi Curr
C/O Waste City Records
Hoboken, N.J 07030

It’s no wonder that a record label named “Waste City” makes its residence in New Jersey of all places.

Next, you may want to skip and whistle or walk nervously fast to your nearest mailbox. For Eddie, he can expect the letter to take at least a few days to reach it’s destination. All signs point to Eddie living in a suburb of North Carolina, considering the credits stated that the movie was filmed there and the license plate in the movie told me so. I guess the really cool stuff happens everywhere other than where I live because I’ve never had a heavy metal icon come back from the dead, burned face and all, and torment me with subliminal messages before. Perhaps if I send him a letter asking him to come to MY town, that may do the trick. Or treat?

Notice the price of the stamp on the letter is $0.22 cents in 1986! Presently the price of a U.S postage stamp is $0.42 cents!

Want a Savior But Don’t Need a Fake? Elect Alice Cooper!

Posted on October 2, 2008 by sexyarmpit

This just in from the Sexy Armpit News Desk:

The U.S Treasury is presently in discussions to officially remove George Washington from the dollar bill and replace him with the macabre rocker Alice Cooper. The country nervoulsy anticipates the outcome of such a monumental decision. When contacted for a comment Cooper just started yelling “I want to be elected.” Coming to you live from Washington D.C, I’m Jay Amabile for The Sexy Armpit.com

Here you can sign the petition that will hopefully get Alice Cooper elected president which will hopefully lead to him getting his face on the one dollar bill. Let’s take a look at his resume and see why he’s more qualified than both of our candidates in this presidential election:

As it turns out, much like Wayne and Garth, we’re not worthy! Not only has Alice partied with the Muppets, Jason Voorhees, and Slash but he’s also got himself a mean golf swing. I’m sure he’s trying to forget his moment accompanying Jake “The Snake” Roberts to the ring at Wrestlemania 3 so we won’t make him re-live that one.

Before we get to the videos, I actually caught this Alice Cooper One Dollar Bill at his Brutal Planet concert 9 years ago today. Alice kicked off Fright Fest at Six Flags Great Adventure on October 1st 1999. It wasn’t the only time I saw Alice but seeing his show on a cool, eerie October night in the middle of an amusement park didn’t get much better! I caught the dollar bill and Ryan Roxie’s guitar pick; could the night get any more memorable? Just after that thought ran through my head I saw Alice come over to us (we were in the front) pointing his cane at my then girlfriend as he sang to her “…You’re Poison runnin’ through my veins!” I chuckled to myself as if he knew my pain! Thanks for relating Alice! Now onto the videos!

Blood Manor New York City’s Premier Haunted Attraction

Posted on October 1, 2008October 26, 2020 by sexyarmpit

Zombie Girl: Come see me later and I’ll give you a Brazilian on your head.
Jay: No, I’m gonna give you a Brazilian!
Zombie Girl: Too late!

This was an exchange I had with just one of the many wickedly costumed dwellers of Blood Manor whom I encountered as they lurked about at Home the swank club/lounge underneath the haunted attraction. I’ve heard of New York City’s Blood Manor before but I never experienced it. While at the Monster Mania Con I noticed a bunch of postcards ads for it on a vendor table. The Sexy Armpit was lucky enough to enjoy the special press preview of Blood Manor. The building is closer to Penn Station than I realized and it only took about 10-15 minutes to walk there from MSG. (542 W. 27th Street) I have to hand it to the organizers of this attraction since they truly built up my anticipation and curiosity as to what kind of terror I’d find within the walls of Blood Manor. If you’re saying to yourself “But Jay, it’s a haunted house, if you’ve been in one, you’ve been in them all.” Then you simply have not experienced the better ones. Blood Manor is one of the best I’ve been through.

For a Thursday night this was a formidable graveyard smash. Filing in were the super cool hip and trendy group of TV, radio, and print folks with their ultra fashionable messenger bags. (I packed light a cell phone and ice breakers) We all assembled in the sleek Home lounge while enjoying drinks from the bar and watching scenes from horror films on the large drop down screen. It was like a Disney character breakfast except for it being evil, twisted, in the evening, lacking breakfast food, and no shortage of Vodka. That’s smart, give your visitors a bunch of cocktails and then let them loose in a haunted house where they’ll no doubt be so scared and disoriented that they’ll piss themselves. I love it when a plan comes together! The bartender thought he was Ashton Kutcher and he even had one of those plastic hair bands holding his long hair back. You need to remember, this is New York we’re talking about…everyone wishes they lived in L.A but they’re all really from Jersey.

My friend Steve and I were about to sit down on a leather bench until the moment we realized we wouldn’t be doing much relaxing. All of a sudden a freaky fellow welcomed the crew to Blood Manor and began rapping “The Blood Manor Theme Song” which was actually an awesome song with a hip hop vibe to it. It definitely begs to be a part of the Halloween playlist on my iPod. Just as the song started blaring, Freddy Krueger, Michael Myers, Leatherface, Samara, and a host of other characters made their presence known by greeting each and every person in the lounge by scaring the bejesus out of them. Freddy Krueger kept clinking the blades of his gloves together by my ears and telling me in that slithery voice of his that I was an easy target, which was a correct assumption since he successfully startled me numerous times throughout the night. Later, a little gothic girl who reminded me of one of those living dead dolls came over and stared at us with her huge innocent eyes as if she was confused as to why we just murdered her entire family. We actually didn’t murder her fam but she sure as hell made it seem like we did! The actors did not break character once and their costumes and makeup were exceptional. The oddities continued haunting us until the first group was let into the elevator and finally brought into Blood Manor.

Going into too much detail about the specific rooms inside of Blood Manor would spoil your experience. But I’m feeling generous so I’ll give you a few teasers: The Electrocution is sickeningly realistic, you also may want to reconsider your appointment for that makeover at the beauty parlor, you’ll feel like you’re in another world in the 3-D room with surreal blacklight murals all over the walls, then there’s the Saw room, and of course the boiler room. There are some genuinely unsettling parts of the walk through. The actors do a helluva job of freaking you out without touching you or doing anything crazy. If you’re like me, you’ll probably be more taken aback by some of the unexpected scares rather than the blatant ones. Some of the most fun moments come when you’re unsure of where you’re going in complete darkness. I must say that the finale is the best part. If you make it that far…

Once you’re out of Blood Manor alive, it feels like it didn’t take very long to get through. This might be the “I had so much fun effect” where you’re having such a good time that you had no concept of time or it’s just over too quickly (insert sex joke here). Infusing some good old fashioned carnival simplicity might do the trick. One way the attraction could improve is by possibly adding in a few different transitional areas without actors in between the main rooms. Doing that would make the ride longer as well as calm your senses a bit before you get the shit scared out of you by some of the actors again. These rooms could be just for viewing only and they don’t need to be elaborate. Another aspect that Blood Manor and other haunted houses lack is the presence of ghosts. With all the concentration on such iconic and recognizable horror movie characters, a simple eerie light show projecting some apparitions might work perfectly. Not everything has to be so “in your face.” Ghosts are spooky, just think back to the first time you saw one sitting in your cart the first time you went on the Haunted Mansion ride in Disney.

Blood Manor capped off an amusing night filled with scares, adult beverages, and me almost breaking my nose. In addition to it’s proximity to Penn Station, Blood Manor will not take a big chunk out of your night. Go ahead, plan a night out in New York but if I were you, I’d make Blood Manor you’re first destination rather than you’re last mwahahahaha!!!