Just when you thought there was way too many, they decide to create more: Jughandles! They are the opposite of breasts, a natural resource that we can never have enough of. The world can always use more boobies, but when it comes to jughandles, New Jersey has way too many. It’s almost as if the highway designers just want to f*ck with us. It feels as if there’s another jughandle every 50 feet. You know what? I speak to many people who don’t even know what a jughandle is! Read Wikipedia’s entry on them here if you have no idea what they are. Usually people unfamiliar with jughandles are from out of state, and they aren’t completely bombarded by convoluted u-turns and asinine roadways. Today’s tee comes from Great To Be Here, an online store specializing in funny t-shirts for people who are “Passionate about Places.”
Bathroom Reader Flushes Out the Facts
As far as trips to the bathroom go, if you are the in and out type you probably don’t have time to do any extensive reading while on the can. And if that’s the case, you are definitely not aware of the cutthroat business of publishing Bathroom Readers. A bathroom reader is a book which is often made up of random facts and information that provides a temporary diversion to help you relax while you’re on the john. There’s many to choose from, but one of my great Christmas gifts this year was a bathroom reader printed in New Jersey: The Bathroom Trivia Digest: Fascinating Facts for People on the Go by Russ Edwards and Jack Kriesmer. If you’re unloading for less than a few minutes, let’s face it, that’s probably not enough time to memorize the periodic table of elements or the Magna Carta, but just like that little penny holder at the checkout counter, you can take a few nuggets while you leave a few nuggets.
While there may be plenty of other things one can do to help evacuate his or her bowels, such as push, moan, groan, meditate, or pray for a miracle, a bathroom reader is most effective for the type of person who would be easily amused by reading that “Every citizen of Kentucky is required by law to take a bath once a year.” That info may not seem too pertinent to you, but I’m sure it weighs heavily on the minds of people from Kentucky. And, in case you are ever take a DeLorean back to old timey days, “In New York it is illegal to shoot at a rabbit from a moving trolley car,” I hear the fines for that one are astronomical! While all these tidbits are titillating, no book printed in Saddle River, NJ and intended to be read while dumping is worth a damn unless it has at least a few mentions of our own beloved dump, The Garden State.
My Green Hornet Toys from Carl’s Jr.!
Green Hornet toys at a burger joint? What? Was I reading that correctly? I first heard the news of The Green Hornet toys at Carl’s Jr. via their Twitter account. I immediately tweeted back to them that there are no Carl’s Jr. restaurants in my vicinity for thousands of miles, (which isn’t an exaggeration) but I desperately wanted to get my hands on these toys. I’ve been a Green Hornet fan since my father introduced me to the classic radio shows on his old Philco radio when I was a kid, then by the time I saw the Batman TV series, I was already familiar with the character. Even though there have been a few toys associated with The Green Hornet, there’s just something memorable about collecting movie/fast food tie in toys.
Carl’s Jr. Green Hornet and Kato Action Figures
The Carl’s Jr. Twitter account told me to follow them and they would try to work something out. I waited a few days and heard nothing back, so I immediately wrote them off as a second rate fast food craphole that for some asinine reason only exists out west. Sorry if you swear by their food, but it must be the same type of feeling if you live in state that doesn’t have a White Castle…you poor thing! I feel for you because that truly sucks.
About to spring into action wearing Carl’s Jrs.’ Green Hornet Toy Mask
Scouring ebay for these toys at a ridiculous price would probably be my destiny, although I did have an alternate plan up my sleeve. I started to think of people I knew in states that had Carl’s Jr. restaurants to see if maybe they could hook a brother up. Meanwhile, my stealthy girlfriend, who can’t tell the difference between The Green Hornet and The Green Lantern, had a little covert operation of her own going on. She asked her cousin out in California to get me the toys and send them to Jersey. What a girl! So f*ck Carl’s Jr. for not getting back to me and not having a location in Jersey! BOO to them. And thank you to Miss Sexy Armpit and her cousin for confidentially procuring the Green Hornet toys for me!
Click HERE to read more of The Sexy Armpit’s Green Hornet related posts
The Creepy Karate Kid Coincidence
“Yeah, but 3 was awesome because it had the twist that Daniel was getting trained by Terry Silver in the Cobra Kai dojo,” said my friend Frank as he defended 1989’s 3rd installment of The Karate Kid saga. Yes, the actual Karate Kid, with Ralph Macchio, not Will Smith’s son and especially not Hilary Swank. “OK, but 2 had the typhoon which was intense,” boasted Dave who was more passionate about watching Danielsan’s trip to Okinawa than his adventurous attempts at uprooting an innocent bonsai tree. “In 3 I like how they tied in the detail that John Kreese was in the war, it worked nicely.” Meanwhile my mind was regurgitating all the awful, scarring memories of when Elisabeth Shue abandoned me. After all, I was one of her loyal prepubescent admirers and then as if she learned some secret ninja shit, she vanished and was nowhere to be found in the sequels.
As usual, I was the one who incited this debate. So, over a few beers, I decided to gauge some of my best friends’ opinions on the Karate Kid films. I was even nice enough to preface my upcoming topic to my cohorts with a very brief overview of how Empire Strikes Back is largely regarded amongst Star Wars fans and movie goers as the best of the Star Wars films. The same usually goes for The Godfather Part 2 and several other movies as well, it’s just that no one ever paid either of the Karate Kid sequels the respect they deserve by officially burying one of them.
“Since the original Karate Kid is the far superior film in the saga, which of sequels is the best?” I asked them. On this particular night I was in a very “3” mood and was basically in agreement with Frank if it weren’t for the fact that the venerable William Zabka did not appear in it. Other times, such as right after I saw Karate Kid Part 2 in the summer of 1986, (at the now defunct and dilapidated Amboy Multiplex Cinema in Sayreville) I was riding it’s excitement and naturally a huge proponent of The Karate Kid Part 2. But as Batman said in another less lauded film sequel, Batman Returns, “…Things change.”
As we continued to mull over the high and lows of the saga, we examined each film’s minute details which were otherwise ignored, traded barbs, and also inadvertently made jokes to the point where I couldn’t breathe because I was laughing so hard. That’s when something happened that halted The All Valley Giggle Fest 2011.
…DING!
At that very second, a loud bell broke the laughter. It was my iPhone notifying me of a new text message. I leaned over to the coffee table and I was momentarily stunned after I read it’s eerily timed message. I showed my friends, and as we stood there dumbfounded with our mouths hanging open, we all simultaneously turned into “Ted” Theodore Logan and gave a collective “WHOA!”
It’s not unlike Sexy Armpit writer Nick “N.J” Holden to text me famous movie quotes at random times, but this one made me feel like he should be Pete Venkman’s next guest on World of The Psychic! I wasn’t sure if it was just a one off movie line or whoever was possessing Nick wanted to continue going back and forth. For a few seconds I felt that if we came back with the wrong line some death machine like in a SAW movie would come out and torture us. Nah, it was just Nick…or was it? Is his cell phone equipped with GPS and ESP? We continued sending back the follow up lines as if we were defending our honor in a karate tournament.
The Sexy Armpit’s Top 10 Bands of 2010
One of The Sexy Armpit’s favorite things to do is to check out local bands since they are usually more interesting and put on a better show than the majority of bands who just sit on their mounds and mounds of cash and feel like they can go out and play the same show and same setlist that they’ve been doing for 10 years. People pay for tickets to concerts so they deserve a KICK-ASS show in return. The following bands were chosen by The Sexy Armpit under 2 conditions: 1) they hail from NJ or NY 2) their music is not boring 3) the band puts on an awesome show. This begins our annual NYE countdown of The Sexy Armpit’s Top 10 Bands of the Year!
10. Rapid Fire – F*cking METAL. That is all. They will permanently freeze your fingers into devil horns. Now for the kicker – these dudes are in high school. I was still playing with action figures in high school.
9. The Sexy Heroes – A fun pop-punk type band out of Saddle River, NJ who wears neon firefighter pants at all of their energetic shows. Almost a shoe-in to be the next band that you’re teen daughter will be obsessed with.
8. Natasha Komis – My iPod is chock full of chick rock and Natasha Komis is a nice addition to the playlist. This young Jersey girl has left her appearance on Paris Hilton’s My New BFF behind and is rocking like Joan Jett for the 2k generation. You can get her stuff on iTunes.
7. The Deafening – Raw hard rock out of New York City. Lead singer Coco Caine’s vocal range soars into the stratosphere while the band gives you a bad case of rock neck. Also on iTunes.
6. The Fletchers – Infectious indie rock out of Highland Park, NJ. Read our review HERE.
5. Those Mockingbirds – I saw them open for the now defunct God Loves a Challenge at Maxwell’s in Hoboken. I picked up their CD after the show and dug it. I see them gaining national attention in the future. This year, make sure you check out one of their lively shows around NJ and PA.
4. Lipstick and Cigarettes – Still considered new on the scene, L and C sounds like they’ve been around for a while…ohhh, say since 1983? This NJ rock band combines modern elements of bands like The Killers, with the classic new wave sounds of The Cars. After my first L and C show I knew most of the songs by heart and I was singing them for the rest of the night. Their album is available on iTunes.
3. Star Killer – Their hard, industrial brand of rock may not be for housewives or Tony Bennett fans, but Star Killer has landed and brought with them a very fresh and exciting sound that combines elements of Nine Inch Nails, Korn, Marilyn Manson, and P.O.D. Lead singer Jasin Cadic grew up in Edison, NJ and has also starred in The Perfect Age of Rock and Roll. Their EP is available for FREE for a limited time so get your ass to their website.
2. Scarlet Carson – It’s been a long time since our state has had it’s own rockers. I’m not talking about, Bruce, Bon Jovi, or Gaslight Anthem…I’m talking about the glory days of metal, hair bands, and excessive rock, i.e. Motley Crue. It was all about living the rock and roll lifestyle, drinking, and playing shows that made the audience want to fist pump – NOT Jersey Shore style, but because the music simply ROCKED. That’s what these guys are all about and they sum it up as “Dirty Jersey Rock and Roll.”
1. The Dirty Pearls – It’s already been several years since I first saw The Dirty Pearls live and I knew from that moment that they were the only band in recent times, perhaps since Buckcherry, to grasp what rock and roll is all about. If you’ve never heard of the reigning kings of New York City rock and roll, you will when they release their first official full length album, Whether You Like It Or Not in Spring 2011. All you silly-ass Nickelbacky bands and Daughtry soundalikes should go crawl into a hole because there’s about to be a gigantic, sleazy, sexy, hard rock explosion so get the f*ck out of the way!
What I Got For Christmas – 2010 Edition
I’m not going to sit here and pout about how old I feel or how Christmas doesn’t effect me anymore. OK, so, I admit I can’t watch How The Grinch Stole Christmas if it’s past 8 PM or I will fall asleep on the couch. Naturally, Christmas time has become more hectic as I’ve gotten older, but it’s still one of the most fun times of the year. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like getting presents (of course there’s always some jackass who says they hate getting gifts), but giving gifts is even more fun. Some of the gifts I gave this year included a custom sculpted Dean Martin statue, an iPod, and a Kitchen Aid mixer. Those items may not intrigue you, but they delighted their receipients. Now it’s time to show you some of the stuff that I got for Christmas. It was impossible to fit every gift into the picture so some of the items are not shown, but I’ll tell you all about them.
My girlfriend knows how I feel about snuggies. But she went out on a limb anyway and bought me the Superman snuggie as a goof thinking that I would get a kick out of it. I think it’s actually really cool. See how the super hero/fanboy aspect changes the perspective of everything? For example, my reaction if you gave me a package of napkins for Christmas: “Oh great…napkins,” but if they had the Bat symbol on them look at how quickly the reaction changes: “OH THESE ARE SOME F*CKING COOL NAPKINS! THANK YOU!!!” Something tells me that those napkins are never coming out of the cellophane! In the end, the Superman snuggie was a fun gift, but not because it’s a snuggie, there’s more to it than that. Donning this snuggie actually transforms you into a comfy, cozy Superman because it has Superman’s costume on the front of it! The only problem is, when I put it on, I don’t feel like saving the good citizens of Metropolis from a disaster, I really feel like zonking out on my couch. It’s a little couterproductive, but at least I’ll be Superman in my dreams.
It’s nearly impossible to buy me a DVD or Blu-ray disc that I don’t already have. There are so many movies that I enjoy but I don’t see myself ever watching again. For me to own a movie it has to have a high rewatchability factor. Such is the case of Scott Pilgrim on Blu-ray because it kicks ass and it’s visually exciting. This was one of the only things I really had on my imaginary wish list. The vintage record album drink coaster set was a really cool gift too. I do have several coasters at home, but these are unique and look exactly like their original vinyl counterpart. (If you have really keen eyesight, you noticed that the one visible in the picture is a RUN DMC album.) There was also STAR WARS Mad Libs! which are even more fun if you fill them in with fellow Star Wars fans. *Here’s an example of what my friends and I came up with: “The Force is an energy field created by all living FECES” (plural noun), and “A Jedi can also use the Force to move objects with his or her TONGUE” (part of the body).
A couple of weeks before reading about it on X-E, I saw the Christmas Smurf plush at Macy’s with my girlfriend and I wanted one to add to my Christmas condo decorations. I was always a big Smurfs fan as a kid, but I have yet to buy any of the new Smurf collectibles. Once the movie comes out there will be Smurfs everywhere, so this is just the Smurf of the iceberg. What makes this Christmas Smurf different from the other ones in the store was that he had a ticket for Lady Gaga at the Prudential Center in Newark attached to his scarf! I don’t care if you want to disown me now that you know that I am a Gaga fan. After seeing Lady Gaga live in concert at Boardwalk Hall in Atlantic City this past July, I rank her show just below a KISS concert. It’s a huge production that has a storyline, elaborate choreography, and music that she pours her heart and soul into.
As you can see, I was very fortunate and Santa Claus treated me well this year. I also received plenty of nice shirts, ties, a scarf, tea tree shampoo, money, and gift cards. Thank you to everyone for the AWESOME gifts! What were some of the gifts you received this year?
Christmas Train Display at Barron Arts Center
Here’s some footage I took of the Barron Arts Center’s annual Christmas Train Display. The display will continue until 12/28 so go check it out! Please enjoy it in HD! Merry Christmas!
Barron Arts Center
582 Rahway Avenue
Woodbridge, NJ 07095
6 Last Minute Gift Ideas from Paul Blart: Mall Cop
If you are a living, breathing homosapien and you saw 2009’s Paul Blart: Mall Cop, chances are you thought it was a piece of crap. Even though it made an assload of money at the box office, it was critically panned. As you might have suspected, I was one of the people who actually liked it. I have an affinity for “stupid funny” and Kevin James is a master of that art. His love interest in the film, Jayma Mays, was looking cute like a young Goldie Hawn. At least for me, Paul Blart was easier to swallow than the weirder mall security movie, Observe and Report, which was released a few months later. Paul Blart: Mall Cop was set in West Orange, New Jersey but was actually filmed in Massachusetts because the production company was denied a permit to film in Willowbrook Mall in Wayne, New Jersey.
Enough of the minutia, if you’re looking for some last minute gift ideas and you don’t feel like kidnapping your cousin-in-law’s boss, here’s a few ideas plucked straight from the DVD of Paul Blart: Mall Cop.
6) A PINK PUSH UP BRA FROM VICTORIA’S SECRET – Victoria’s Secret has risen to the level of Tiffany’s in that every girl loves to get something from either store. You could buy the sluttiest little lingerie ensemble, but when they see the tag that says Victoria’s Secret, they’ll be anxious to try it on for you.
5) A WIG – Jayma Mays looks great in all kinds of wigs and I’m sure your girl will too. Cosplay is more popular than ever so why not play dress up once in a while? A Pink wig works wonders, and hell…what about a Blue Katy Perry type wig? It’ll transform your lady into an enticing celebrity in no time.
4) A SEGWAY HUMAN TRANSPORTER – You’re already in debt so what’s another $6,000 to $11,000 bucks? You can ride girls around the mall on the ol’ seg and then their phone numbers will seamlessly find their way into your pocket in no time. It’ll be a piece of cake…or pie with peanut butter slathered on it!
3) CELL PHONE BLING – jewels for a cell phone are a cheap and easy stocking stuffer. Although extremely gaudy, many girls like these peel and stick rhinestone phone accessories.
2) A REALLY EXPENSIVE PEN – Even in this digital age, everyone still has to sign their name once in a while so why not shock the kid behind the counter with your pretentious taste in pens? More specifically the Summit 5280 Fountain Pen that the douchebag Stuart (Stephen Rannazzisi) is pushing. It makes you feel like you have a little piece of heaven between your fingers.
1) ROCK BAND – Whether it’s 1, 2, or 3, it really doesn’t matter. They are all awesome and fun, especially when playing and singing along to KISS’ “Detroit Rock City,” like Paul Blart does while all alone in the mall arcade.
SNL Gets Cookie Monster, Sexy Armpit Gets Johnny Fiama
Thanks to Muppet Wikia‘s vast amount of Muppet minutia, we now know that Johnny Fiama hails from Camden, New Jersey, a fact he revealed during his appearance on an episode of Family Feud. Now that we know he’s a Jersey guy, it’s not surprising that his last name is actually an anagram for Mafia!
In 2002’s It’s a Very Merry Muppets Christmas Movie, Johnny Fiama sings a hilarious “Jingle Bells” accompanied by Rowlf on piano. Soon he gets interrupted by his loyal monkey sidekick, Sal Minella, who has a Christmas gift for him.
“I sold my moped to buy you this solid gold record player!”
The Muppet character Johnny Fiama didn’t show up to the party until the short lived prime time TV show Muppets Tonight, but he’s been a welcome addition the gang ever since. Johnny seems to be stereotypically Italian, and inspired by the great crooners such as Tony Bennet, Dean Martin, and Frank Sinatra. He even hosted “The Johnny Fiama Show” on Muppets Tonight.
“It looks like somebody’s been drinking a little too much egg nog!”
The Perfect Holiday (2007) – A Jersey Christmas Movie
The grand interior of The Landmark Loew’s Jersey Theater in Jersey City
decked out for J-Jizzy’s Christmas Wonderland Party
So many people claim they are originally from Jersey, ergo that must mean when someone sings “I’ll Be Home For Christmas,” they really mean they’re going back to Jersey…to Jersey. Queen Latifah is one of those people. She’s a tough chick who was born in Newark, NJ and raised in East Orange, who went ahead and crowned herself the Queen of Hip-Hop. There’s never been any other female hip-hop artist that has been formidable enough to threaten her crown, but what’s funny is that I can only recall one of her songs, which is “U.N.I.T.Y” from 1994. Most of what I know about the former power forward of the Irvington High School girls basketball team, aka Dana Owens, is that she’s become more of a movie star, and unfortunately 2007’s The Perfect Holiday is not one of her better ones.
The kids go to see Santa at Jersey Gardens Outlet Mall in Elizabeth, NJ
The plot of The Perfect Holiday is trite Christmas fare, something you might see on ABC Family Channel or better yet…Hallmark Channel rather than in theaters. Gabrielle Union (the hot rival cheerleader in Bring It On), shows that she needs several more acting classes to become Julia Roberts or Sandra Bullock who she was attempting to channel in this movie. In her role as Nancy, she plays a mother of 3 who has just separated from her rapper husband. Benjamin (Morris Chestnut) is the guy that swoops in to steal her heart as he’s playing Santa Claus at Jersey Gardens Mall in Elizabeth, NJ. Nancy’s cuter-than-Olivia-Kendall daughter Emily (Khail Bryant) tips Benjamin off that her mom is in need of a compliment. Chestnut’s performance was only forgivable because it was so predictable and cheesy. Charlie Murphy is J-Jizzy, a way less likable P.Diddy sort of hip-hop artist who has left his 3 kids with the hurdle of adjusting to their mother’s new boyfriend (Chestnut). Forget all that, the heavy guy from Couples Retreat, Faizon Love, is the best and funniest part of this movie.
Faizon Love makes the front page of The Star Ledger!
The pace is fast, the editing is terrible, and they crammed pretty much every Christmas song you can think of into every second of the film. Even having the majestic Queen Latifah as one of the producers did not give this film the boost it needed. Latifah’s screen time as “Mrs. Christmas” is minimal, and the dude who wishes he was Don Cheadle, Terrence Howard, also appears as her extremely annoying cohort, Bah Humbug. The film was directed and co-written by Lance “Un” Rivera, the Unentertainment Records CEO and fomer Biggie Smalls collaborator. He also directed another film I’ll be writing about in the future, 2004’s The Cookout.
I can only recommend The Perfect Holiday to those of you who love the actors in the film, as well as to hardcore New Jersey buffs like myself. Our newspaper, The Star-Ledger makes an appearance, and so does tons of crappy looking computer generated snow. In case you decide to go out on a limb and Netflix this steaming lump of coal, you’ve been warned.
Garden Palace Lanes in Clifton, NJ – if you look closely you’ll see CGI snow
Filming Locations: Hoboken, Jersey City, Bergenfield, Rutherford, Westfield, Jersey Gardens Mall in Elizabeth and Garden Palace Lanes in Clifton.