In Maxim Magazine’s June 2008 issue, Nick Peterson from Akron, Ohio raised a rather amusing question in the Ask Maxim column. The answer made me feel completely validated as to why I’ve dedicated this website to the most contradictory state in the union. The “beautiful” Garden State, is also recognized by the EPA for having the MOST toxic sites in America! 115 in total! What I find hysterical is that I could eventually wind up looking like Melvin Ferd aka The Toxic Avenger pretty soon, considering I live in one of the counties mentioned in the article!
Tammy Lynn Sytch “Sunny” is March’s Garden State Playmate!
Boy, was I a horny little kid! Both sides of an 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper isn’t nearly enough space to list all the crushes I had on famous women back when my age was in the single digits. Let me see, there was Yvonne Craig aka Batgirl, She-Ra, Marcia Brady, Nicole Eggert, Alyssa Milano Stephanie Zinone (Michelle Pfeiffer in Grease 2), Victoria Principal, Madonna, The Sagal twins, Miss Elizabeth…the list would literally take up 5-7 extremely long blog posts.
Eventually Playboy models would replace the aforementioned bevy of women and fictional characters on my list. Having an affinity for a pre-boob job Pamela Anderson and a fresh faced Jenny McCarthy helped create a new, more mature me. I felt that it was time to graduate from She-Ra to women who were more tangible with a greater ability to “satisfy me” in a roundabout sort of way. During the time I discovered those fine ladies, most of my friends were unaware of the beautiful women that lived within the pages of Playboy Magazine. Even though it was only a short time that I was able to brag to my circle of friends about “discovering” these sexy women, I still felt distinguished. In my mind I was sleeking around in a smoking jacket toking on a pipe like Hef.
My cavalcade of hot crushes were in their own exclusive world. Never for a minute could I imagine they would converge into my own little far off planet of comic books, music, and pro-wrestling. To my supreme excitement, it actually happened when Pamela Anderson walked Big Daddy Cool Diesel down to the ring while Jenny McCarthy escorted The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels at Wrestlemania 11. It was a surreal moment considering it made me feel like my passion for these girls willed it to happen. It was that, or the fact that Vince McMahon has been wire tapping my phone since I was 6 years old. (The CIA refuses to entertain my suspicions despite my constant complaints.) Regardless of how it happened, these ladies weren’t marks for the business. I knew they were only appearing at Wrestlemania because of the big pay day. This large check gave them the option to enlarge or deflate their breasts at their every whim.
So…yeah…Playboy models are great but they’re so one dimensional, aren’t they? In 1995, a woman was about to enter my radar and totally obliterate all other sexy blips on it like she was the laser cannon in Space Invaders. The only difference? She wasn’t just made up of pixels, she was for real, she was from New Jersey, and she didn’t take anyone’s shit.
She is Tammy Lynn Sytch, aka Sunny: the first true WWE Diva. After working for Smoky Mountain Wrestling, Sunny entered the WWF as an on-air anchor promoting house shows. She eventually grabbed the attention of all the WWF fans as manager of the Bodydonnas. From then on, Vince and the WWF became bent on creating female superstars referring to them as “Divas.” Unfortunately for Divas past and present, none of them can or will ever hold a candle to Sunny.
Truly “making it” in pro wrestling takes guts, personality, and some severe delusions. Sunny had a perfect melange of all these ingredients. She was unabashed on the mic, a natural at generating heat with the crowd, and simply a born entertainer. Just like Sensational Sherri before her, Sunny wouldn’t think twice about interfering in a bout, distracting the ref, or getting caught up in a melee, as long as her men won the match. The fact that she was so good at being a “WWF Superstar” made her even more sexy in my eyes as well as in the minds of the millions of other wrestling fans who relentlessly downloaded her swimsuit pics on America Online. (Keep in mind, back then it took 5 minutes to download one low quality .jpg!)
To all the negative, idiotic, and obsessive freaks out there on the Internet who give wrestling fans a bad name: Sunny paved the way for all the Divas who came after her. You know the ones – the ones with non existent mic skills, the ones who can’t deliver their lines let alone remember them, the ones who look awkward in the ring, the ones who are in it not for the love of wrestling, but because they won a friggin’ contest. Sunny “brought it” all the time with that special factor that only few had. If Sable didn’t have gigantic fake boobs and never posed for Playboy, she would scarcely be remembered at this point. Unlike Sable, Sunny wasn’t just a pretty face, she knew the business. She can take her spot right next to the Bobby Heenans, Mr. Fujis, Jim Cornettes, and all the rest of them. There’s no doubt that Miss Elizabeth will always hold a special place in my heart, but she wasn’t much more than a valet and eye candy, while Sunny served both those purposes and more. Sunny owned her star quality which catapulted her to the forefront of storylines. She single handedly made the tag team scene in the WWF infinitely more interesting.
Sunny, was a sex symbol with actual talent for the business, a rare discovery. Sunny was the girl I didn’t think existed. A hot girl with a killer bod who was also into pro wrestling at a time when it had somehow become reserved exclusively for geeks. Was she for real, or did I create her in the garage with power tools? I began to move on from the Pams and Jennys as I realized that there would soon be an epic crossover as hot women surged into pro wrestling. Thank you Sunny for uniting these two worlds, and making us feel less geeky for being pro wrestling fans.
Tales of the Black Freighter on Blu-Ray & DVD 3/24!
Watchmen’s comic within a comic, Tales of the Black Freighter, has been lavishly produced for Blu Ray and DVD and hits stores, online retailers, and on-demand on March 24th. I am totally pumped to see this aspect of Watchmen get such a superb treatment. It’s sad to think that those people who have only experienced Watchmen in a movie theater or IMAX may be unaware of what Tales of the Black Freighter actually is. If you are one of the “enlightened ones,” then you have experienced this ghastly allegorical pirate tale. Even if you haven’t read Watchmen, Tales of the Black Freighter is a “must own” addition to your collection solely for it’s atmosphere and significance in the Watchmen universe.
Delving deeper into Watchmen lore is the short based on Hollis Mason’s book Under the Hood. Mason, the original Nite Owl, published a book detailing his exploits as a costumed hero. Excerpts of the book can be found throughout the pages of Watchmen and now we’re able to experience it in visually stunning high definition! Under the Hood mixes live action and CGI in it’s rousing retelling of Mason’s superhero career. I’m a fan of Nite Owl so naturally I’m excited for this!
Watchmen fans have only dreamed of seeing these unique elements of the mythology unfold visually. It took over 20 years but with these 2 new releases as well as the motion comics, and the new video game The End is Nigh, us Watchmen fans have finally got what we were waiting for!
For more on the Watchmen universe visit: http://theworldofwatchmen.com/
Buried Treasure? X Marks the Spot in New Jersey
“You sound just as corny as Dad does…”
– Brandon Walsh, The Goonies
I grew up watching my father’s favorite classic pirate movies with him, and in turn I would show him my favorite movie ever, The Goonies. Chunk only had old Hanukkah decorations in his attic. Mikey had a shitload of cool pirate stuff that was intended to make it’s way into an Astoria museum. My attic was filled with my sister’s old dolls and a bunch of other household junk that had been banished to the black hole by my mom. If it was up to my Dad, it would have all went straight into the trash. Even though we didn’t have historical stuff from the pirate days, my Dad did bestow upon me something that always made me think he dreamed of going on a Goonie adventure of his own someday. One weekend he brought me to his room and opened the doors of his chest of drawers, lifted up a stack of sweaters and shirts, and pulled out a folded, burnt up paper that was hidden underneath:
My Dad handed me the paper and told me it was “a real treasure map!” If I was any more excited my eyeballs would’ve fallen right out of their sockets like Ragetti’s in Pirates of the Caribbean. I unfolded the old map, careful not to tear the delicate artifact. The map was titled “Treasure Map,” (awesomely appropriate).
The map outlined possible sites where pirates may have buried their treasure, or their ships sunk along the east coast. Luckily for him, my dad didn’t try to convince me that Captain Kidd or Blackbeard sealed this map in one of the walls of our house because the copyright is 1965. I was a little kid, but damn was I perceptive.
My father and I were able to continue enjoying the pirate genre beginning in 2003 thanks to the release of the Pirates of the Caribbean. I saw POTC more than 5 times in the theater and it gave me the same feeling of wonder that opening this map did. It’s amazing that my father got this map as a souvenir on vacation nearly 40 years before we went to the theater to see POTC together. Perhaps he held onto it because it gave him that adventurous feeling that we all have when we’re young. He kept it to hand down to me, and I’ve had it ever since. In essence, I don’t have to go searching because the map is “good enough” treasure for me.
Is your life is in need of some adventure? Maybe this map will assist in your hunt. Here’s a closer look at possible sites where treasure is buried in New Jersey:
On your quest, try to avoid any run-ins with the Fratellis, and don’t tell mom you’re going because I have a date with Andy on Friday, limp lungs!
New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.18: Bubble Wrap Born in Hawthorne!
The creation of the first Bubble Wrap prototype took place in a Hawthorne, NJ garage in 1957. We can thank engineers Alfred W. Fielding (a native of Hackensack NJ) and Mark A. Chavannes for bestowing upon us the popping ritual we take part in every time we rip open a big box that was left at our front door. With their headquarters now in Elmwood Park, NJ, Sealed Air Corp. has been making manufacturing Bubble Wrap for almost 50 years.
NJ.com and New Jersey Monthly both printed Vicki Hyman’s informative article on Bubble Wrap called “How New Jersey Saved Civilization…Bubble Wrap.” It even includes the date of Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day (1/26): Click here to read it!
Now, without even having receive a box through UPS, you can waste precious seconds of your life popping bubble wrap right here on your computer by using these websites:
Jay, Jay, and Silent Bob!
You may remember that I recently mentioned freelance artist Mark Constantino in an earlier post. After reading it, Mark shot back at me with a caricature of ME with Jay and Silent Bob! He blew my mind with this piece since I don’t think he realizes how much I adore being made into a cartoon character! Mark did an awesome job with ultimate accuracy, right down to my earring, tongue wagging, and KISS Army T-Shirt. Thanks Mark! visit linelightarts.blogspot.com for more of his work! Look out for posts by “MarkJC.” How rad would it be if Kevin Smith actually rocked a Sexy Armpit shirt?
Six Flags Great Adventure Going Bankrupt?
Here’s the story courtesy of NJ.com.
Even Great Adventure isn’t immune to the woes of the failing economy. Sad, but true.
The 2nd comment to that post is from “xynamax”: “WHERE’S THEIR BAILOUT?”
Haha! I loved that comment. We need distractions just as much as we need cars. Escaping reality is one of the best ways to cope with stress in our hectic lives. Enjoying a “great adventure,” is one of life’s little joys. Although waiting on those long lines is NOT. I don’t think I’ll be able to live without going on Nitro a couple of hundred more times in my life. Somebody save Six Flags!
Mountain Dew Voltage Giveaway!
I tend to complicate my life unnecessarily. Instead of plain old original Mountain Dew being my favorite variety of Mountain Dew, I’ve always enjoyed Baja Blast which is exclusively available at Taco Bell restaurants.
I can’t just go to the grocery store and pick up a 2 liter of Baja Blast, it just doesn’t work that way. The Refreshment Gods have yet to vote on the ruling whether Baja Blast should be available in stores. Why couldn’t I just be obsessed with Mountain Dew Code Red, or Mountain Dew Live Wire? I can’t settle when it comes to my thirst for sparkling Dewy refreshment. I’d rather not be lifted out of my condo by a crane, so obviously I can’t eat at Taco Bell every day just to drink some delicious Baja Blast. Since I’ve come to this realization, I’ve spent most of my free time stumbling around in circles with my head down listening to “The Order of Death” by Public Image Limited. Needless to say, things haven’t been too good for me around here. That is…until I gulped down a few sips of Mountain Dew Voltage.
“Drinkin’ Voltage changed our whole perspective on shit!”
Zoolander, Hansel
Last year, the Mtn. Dew campaign Dewmocracy asked online voters to decide which new flavor would be released next. VOLTAGE reigned over it’s 2 flavor competitors and was released at the end of December ’08. The winning flavor combo is comprised of Raspberry, Citrus, and charged with ginseng. This gives you a nice kick in the pants without the jitters of an energy drink. I’ve been trying to slowly detach myself from energy drinks, and now I have found my savior in Mtn. Dew Voltage.
Head over to www.dewmocracyvoltage.com where they are blowing out giveaways like a snowboard and video game gear every day.
In honor of Voltage becoming a mainstay here at The Sexy Armpit, we’ve got Mountain Dew Voltage prize packs to give away! The Prize Pack includes an American Apparel Mtn. Dew Voltage T-Shirt, and a 20 oz. Mountain Dew Voltage for you to guzzle down.
Here’s what you have to do:
Write one sentence describing why you love MD Voltage using the words“Mountain Dew Voltage.” Sentences should be humorous, creative, or bizarre in tone like so:
1) I’ve completely replaced my body’s blood plasma with Mountain Dew Voltage.
2) I always prefer Mountain Dew over Prune Juice.
3) No Jawaharlal, drinking Mtn Dew Voltage will NOT make your penis blue like Dr. Manhattan’s, but I’ve spoke to him personally and he told me that “Dew Voltage tastes extremely gratifying in my tummy.”
4) To all the pansies who drink original Mtn Dew and worry about lowering their sperm count…stop your whining! Mountain Dew Voltage does NOT contain Yellow 5.
5) If I was a Nascar driver, Mountain Dew Voltage would be sponsoring the SHIT out of me
– Be part of the first 10 people to post their sentence in the comments section
– E-mail sexyarmpit@comcast.net your address/Subject VOLTAGE
– Win the prize pack!
– Winners can be from U.S and Canada only!
I look forward to reading your sentences!
No Doubt Will Kick Off Tour in New Jersey!
To the dismay of Anaheim, California, No Doubt will kick off their ’09 tour at the Borgata in Atlantic City NJ on 5/2! A day later, they’ll also be headlining the 2nd day of the Bamboozle music festival at the Meadowlands in East Rutherford NJ!
To celebrate No Doubt picking NJ to start their trek, The Sexy Armpit has grabbed screen shots from the bands animated appearance on King of the Hill! The episode “Kidney Boy and Hamster Girl: A Love Story,” aired on May 13th, 2001.
Gwen Stefani is hot even in animated form
The ‘toon version of No Doubt performed at Arlen High School’s prom. Throughout the episode, their songs “Ex-Girlfriend,” “Don’t Speak,” and “Bathwater,” can all be heard.
Tom, Tony, and Adrian
No Doubt will also be appearing at the PNC Bank Arts Center in Holmdel, NJ on 6/26!
Chicago’s the Last Vegas Steals the Show in Atlantic City!
Chad Cherry, lead singer of the Last Vegas
On Friday Night March 6th, at the Borgata in Atlantic City NJ, the Last Vegas from Chicago easily upstaged Theory of a Deadman and Hinder. I could’ve left after the Last Vegas, that’s how good their performance was. I felt so revved up and satisfied; it was exactly how one should feel after seeing a kickass rock band live. The headliners, Motley Crue, were still to come! Waiting through the next two bands wasn’t easy.
Tyler Connolly, lead singer from Theory of a Deadman
With only a few above average songs, Theory of a Deadman was passable. They seem to play by the book with no shenanigans. I always considered them a much cooler version of Nickleback. No offense to the legions of Nickleback fans, but perhaps you should make the switch? You went from Starbucks to Dunkin’ Donuts, Myspace to Facebook, so how about Nickleback to Theory of a Deadman?
The climate in rock music for the past few years seems to be fueled by ’80s rock, which makes sense. Considering the rock music that was immensely popular when these newer bands moving up the ranks were growing up, they most likely were listening to stuff like Warrant and Slaughter. **Rob Mason has hopefully saved Warrant from Jani Lane’s tarnished rep. I don’t care what you say, “Down Boys” is phenomenal.
When Austin Winkler asked the audience to yell “Up All Night” I was certain that a cover of Slaughter’s “Up All Night” was to follow. I’m sure there’s 50 other songs in existence with the same title, but when I hear it, I think of Slaughter’s. Unfortunately, Hinder’s song “Up All Night,” is completely unrelated to Slaughter’s and not a quarter as good.
Hinder’s heart is in the right place, but their attempt at capturing the party rock type atmosphere of the ’80s era ultimately fails, for me at least. For fraternities around the country, Hinder’s a huge WIN. To say that I don’t like their music wouldn’t be totally accurate, since they did perform one or two songs that I thoroughly enjoyed. But judging by their lax performance, they seem to show signs that they’ve already been bestowed a “best band award.” These guys scored a hit, had Emanuele Chriqui in their video, and now they’ve feel like they’ve “made it?” Give me a break! You’re still FNG’s as far as I’m concerned. Take some pointers from the Last Vegas and Buckcherry. If I ever have kids, will they reach their 30s and be going to see opening acts who were inspired by bands like Fall Out Boy and Tokio Hotel? Oh that’s so sad.
And now for an exlusive peek into the contents of my personal letter to Austin Winkler, lead singer of Hinder:
Dear Mr. Winkler,You’re clearly seeing the effects of the rock and roll lifestyle. Singing all those mindless songs about drinking, and getting stoned (i.e “Get Stoned”) will take it’s toll. Life imitates art as they say. Unless you’re in the gym constantly “working on your fitness,” then you’re going to get a nice big beer gut. Oh what do you know, you already have one! oops. I couldn’t stop thinking that if Peter Delouise played a washed up, drunken rock star, who sported a bob haircut in a real life biopic on the Lifetime channel, it might be about you. Put the beer down, step away from the Nascar race on your 70 inch LCD, and get your ass to the gym.You need to work hard to connect with the audience. Humble yourself. Remember, you are opening for MOTLEY CRUE. You are eons away from ever being as big as the legendary Motley Crue. Be mindful that many of the people in the audience have no idea who you are. Plenty of fans of ’80s rock swore off listening to new music when grunge rolled around. It’s your job to win them back! Stop writing generic, ’80s style music. Show us why you’re not just a bunch of guys who “thought it would be cool to be in a band.”
Lucky for us, there’s bands out there like the Last Vegas who really “get it.” They grabbed my attention forcefully and didn’t let go their entire set. The Last Vegas was rocking our buts off way before they won the Guitar Center On Stage contest. After seeing them live it’s obvious why they’ve captured the opening spot on Crue Fest this year. The band plays energized, dirty, old school rock and roll. They’ve got some ACDC thump, and a little GNR swagger.
Guitarist Adam Arling of the Last Vegas
Frontman Chad Cherry is the real deal. He exudes rock and roll and never for a moment looks like a wannabe as he struts and jumps all over the stage. Cherry’s strong voice is the center of attention. There were moments when his voice recalled Tom Kiefer’s of Cinderella.
check them out at TheLastVegas.com
Bassist Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue
Motley seemed to be having sound problems during their performance. Nikki and Vince kept looking over to the sound guys and giving the “UP” signs. It was basically the same set as their show at PNC Bank Arts Center in the summer. You can watch 2 videos I shot from that show on The Sexy Armpit Youtube page. Motley added “Jailhouse Rock” and “White Trash Circus” into their set.
Conspicuous by it’s absence was Tommy’s Titty Cam. Instead, he handed out his bottle of Jaeger, and told everyone to take a sip and pass it back. Nice of you to share Tommy, but who the hell wants to drink out of a bottle that 10 people have already taken swigs from? That’s nasty. I don’t even drink the wine in church! The bottle got confiscated by security anyway, probably so the guard could bring the bottle home and sell it on ebay…douchebag. At that point Tommy went into how thankful he was for some stuff, and how we should all be thankful and blah blah, and then stepped back over to his kit. Where did Motley go?
There’s always a bunch of young kids in the audience at recent Crue shows. Damn Guitar Hero and Rock Band for making raunchy rock and roll a family affair. Did the people at the Borgata warn the band ahead of time that they couldn’t do the Titty cam? Most likely, but that was the least of my worries. I was more amused by Vince Neil who thinks that Crue song lyrics are interchangeable and should be sang anywhere from 1-5 seconds later than they are supposed to be. Ahh, it was still Crue, and it still rocked, so the rest doesn’t really matter now does it?
Nikki Sixx was “Baracking out”
One band, Endeverafter, would’ve been perfect for this show. They’re definitely one of my favorite rock bands so check them out if you’ve never heard of them! Endeverafter.com